I'm so sorry came and ripped our little family of 2. I miss you dearly.  If it wasn't for cancer,  we'd be together still loving our best lives.  I love you Larayna! I miss you precious daughter!

I was driving and just thinking about Larayna. I had Spotify on where it plays new songs. I came out of my thoughts and realized it was playing to, I love you Larayna, over and over. Whenever it comes on, I sing loud to my baby. I love you Larayna! You can hear the ocean in the background as well. Our favorite spot was Pacific Grove. 

I wanted to write here that my aunt and Larayna's Godmother Jessie will be in care of all of our belongings. Including my van.  If there is something you need please speak to her.  Otherwise I hope you learn and Larayna and I through here. 

After Larayna passed away,  I went into a state of shock and couldn't really let myself feel. I kept telling myself,  you can't break down,  if you have to plan her funeral.  You can break down after.  Everything was surreal. I missed up so much. And it was so hard to make everything happen.  Afterwards I broke hard.  It really blurs. Over the last 2 years,  I've been going through everything in our house.  It's been hard.  And at time too much for me to handle so i had to stop. It made me so depressed and sometimes angry that you're not here with me. When cancer took you it took me. On the other hand,  I found so much of your stuff.  Stuff we carried around for years but everything was stored in boxes.  And I didn't like that especially finding so much stuff we didn't get to use because our future ended. But I found drawings from when you were little.  Notes you wrote me. Pictures of you so little.  I had already hung all the pictures that were printed big for you funeral.  I had pictures by where I slept.  Well I just started hanging more and more.  Your pictures are everywhere.  It's not enough but it helps to see your face everywhere. Everything helped trigger more memories. This will always be our house.  Where we lived and died.  Where we were happy. And bc of cancer,  it's also where we had our hardest moments.  But at least we were together then...

Looking through all our videos really took me back there.   I miss you.  I miss our life.  

I wrote this on our fb page last year. 

My daughter had an awesome sense of style. She could go from casual to classy daily.  She loved doing her hair.  I loved when she braided my hair.  I miss all those little things. I never really like shopping but I enjoyed our coastal shopping trips.  Looking through stuff and making puns. We definitely went dad joking . Lol
 You made life fun.  I miss laughing with you.  I miss our banter. Your Witt. My heart hurts, right now, it feels like I can't breathe.  I would given anything to go back to when we were together. 

Her Kelly Doll collection was started at a young age.  We would love to go shopping and see what new dolls were out. We had some double and she played with them.  But the majority was collected and displayed in her room.  She didn't pack up the collection until we left turlock.  We talked about it and she didn't want to open them. We decided to save them in case she had a little girl.  I will post a picture of them later. I really looked forward to being a grandma.  Looking at them now breaks my heart.  They were intended for a future that will never be.  

Some of Laraynas favorites. All shades of blue. Which is also her birth stone.  We both loved succulents. Seashells! I have them everywhere.  She had so many.  I gave a jar that was filled to the brim to her little sister.  And I still have so many, it makes me smile thinking about all our beach trips. I love finding them. I can be going through the house and find little seashells. Going through our house with all our stuff has been so hard emotionally and at the same time I needed it. It helped my mind sit in those memories. I would hold to them and tried to remember the details and the things you said,  your laugh.  It hurt too bc I know that's all we have left on earth,  memories.  It hurts that we can't make more.  I wish I could write everything about you and our lives.  It's so hard for me to write anything but I want to share.  I wish I could completely close everything and disappear but I can't bc I have you.  My amazing daughter and I wanted to leave these memorial page open to everyone,  so they can see your pictures and the life you shined on others who have met you. I shared some of myself on her as well. We existed bc of each other... 

I miss my daughter everyday all day.  It's been very hard for me to live without her. I'm grateful for the few years we had together. It's hurt to have loss our future we had planned together. I had hoped our little family would have grown down the line.  I still struggle to understand why this all happened.  I wish it didn't.  I wish I could have taken your cancer away. We did everything to give you a chance. When cancer took you,  it took me as well.  It broke me as a mother.  My view of this world has changed. I can no longer see its beauty. Larayna made this world beautiful for me.  She brightened and gave me purpose. I bettered myself,  educated myself for her. What could have been? I always wanted to own my own business.  Larayna and I spoke often about that.  I wanted to invest in her.  She would be the talent,  the face and I would be the backbone and keep the running smoothly.  Larayna had different options.  She was interested in photography or being a chef.  Those were her 2 top runners.  We had dreams. Cancer just came in and ripped everything apart.  You were here. We were together.  I woke up and went to sleep to your precious face.  I wake up to instant heartache. How has this much time gone by? I never ever thought our lives would end like this. I hate cancer!

Larayna and I were going so well.  Larayna had graduated high school and started college.  She was 18 and loving life.  She was practicing for her driver's test.  She had her bike.  She was making decisions for herself.  Guiding her own days.  She was so responsible.  She would get stuff done for school or the house. Then if she decided , she would take off too big lots and shop. She wasn't a big spender, I'd have to practically beg her to take money. She was going out with her friends.  
She was a smart young adult with her future ahead of her.  She also like to hang out at the pool.  I acknowledged that she was a young adult and that she had her own life too. This was clear especially when she told me about guys flirting with her at college. We talked about her future.  I had even started dating again.  I had stopped dating when she was young. I noticed her wanting my attention away from my ex. And I made the decision then , that I can resume dating when she was 18. She was at the age where she actually encouraged me to find a mate.  But I'm glad it didn't work out with him.  Bc I didn't realize how much my daughter would still need me.  1 month before she turned 19. She was diagnosed with the brain cancer.  Which also meant she didn't qualify for make a wish bc she was 18 at diagnosis. Even though she was an adult,  her cancer was pediatric. Any cancer you get under 21 is typically pediatric cancer.  In the beginning they tried to explain everything to her.  But she didn't want to hear it. They told her she's an adult and they need to inform her.  That's when she yelled tell my mom! So they wanted to tell me in front of her.  And that's when she screamed , go out of the room and tell her.  We all learned to respect that.  I think that was the hardest on me.  I felt my daughter should know stuff but she didn't want to.  So I didn't feel comfortable telling other ppl stuff,  if my own daughter didn't want to hear it.  She would let me ask her questions for the really important stuff.  But it was hard,  but I had to respect her wishes.  It was clear that she wanted to live and would do whatever she had to , to live.  But she didn't want to talk about it.  Her diagnosis from the beginning was never good.  They always told me she would only live a few months after treatment and that there is no cure.  We heard them but we didn't want to believe them.  I get that we had to push that out of our minds.  It was all too much.  The seizures were way too often.  I lived in fear of seizures.  She stopped breathing during seizures.  I had to call the ambulance often. The doctors. I had to time them while panicking.  I started to video and just left my phone done to time them.  In the beginning she wanted to know what happened. But very quickly she didn't want to talk about them.  I'm getting so upset just thinking about what she went through. 

Larayna's memorial block at Jessica's House in turlock. 

Larayna went to weaver preschool and then pioneer elementary until 3rd grade. Then we moved to turlock so I could complete my Bachelors degree in Sociology at csu Stanislaus. There she went to Julien elementary for 4th and 5th grade. After I graduated we came back to Merced and she went to hoover. Then she went to Merced high. She then transferred to Yosemite High to catch up on some credits. Instead of going back to Merced high, she wanted to stay at Yosemite High were she liked the teachers and classroom sizes were smaller. She enjoyed her classes, especially women's studies. She was able to finish high school a semester early. She started at Merced College with a major in Photography. It was in her second semester signs of brain cancer appeared. We just didn't know that it was brain cancer.