Sometimes I'll remember something about her that I had forgotten. Like the way she used to swish the coke around in her mouth before she swallowed it. Then I'll begin to cry because I had forgotten that already. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget her,to lose her completely in time. As time goes by, will she go with it?  Will I lose her? That is why I try to think of her and keep her in my thoughts and dream of her always. I don't want to lose her memory like I lost her physically.  I'll die if that happens.

I watched a movie once a long time ago, before Laurie died. It was about a woman whose daughter had died and she had left town. Then whenever she came back no one ever wanted to be around her because she talked about her daughter, about the things she used to say and do like she was still alive. All the neighbors could think was “she acts like she is still alive.” She knew that all of her old friends didn't want to be around her, (and I know that too. I guess they think maybe we'll bring them bad luck I don't know.)One day she could tell she was making everyone feel uncomfortable, so she broke down and cried and told one of them “I'm so afraid.  I'm going to forget her f I don't keep talking about her.” And that is my greatest fear. Her memories are alive now, but for how long. How long can I wait to be with her again?

Then I think about Jesus' promise that we'll be together again. But the time isn't coming soon enough. I had nightmares for years of seeing her lying in a casket. That's why I had a closed casket funeral. My two best friends viewed her and told me she looked beautiful. And now many years have come and gone but I'm still here. Where is my angel.