Today is a special strange day
March 19th my friend George birthday who died very young.
13 days after you Lindsey died
And tomorrow marks the death anniversary for my dad who died 4 years ago. And tomorrow is my aunt birthday 82years old? I miss you Lindsey… I always will . Ily I’ll see you soon.

March 5th at 11 pm... it was exactly 2 years ago at this EXACT time i heard you speak your last words. But i had no clue it would be the last time i heard you speak...  and they Echo in my mind. 
The answer is this. I wanted to be with you because I cannot picture my life without you AND i wanted to help you.  From that moment on i was able to do neither of those things... You may be gone physically here but i feel you in my daily life.  your sister is not well... your dad and mom are overwhelmed. and I do not know what i can possibly do. 
Avicii - Heaven (Tribute Video) (youtube.com)
Step out into the dawn
You pray 'til, you pray 'til the lights come on
And then you feel like you've just been born…

Yeah, you come to raise me up
When I'm beaten and broken up
And now I'm back in the arms I love
And I think I just died
I think I just died
Yeah, I think I just died
I think I just died
And went to Heaven

Beaten and bathed in blood
I'm hit by, I'm hit by your love and drug
And now you've c-come to raise me up

And I think I just died
I think I just died
Yeah, I think I just died
And went to Heaven
=
And went to Heaven

Woah-oh-oh, and went to Heaven
It's such a night, such a beautiful night
It's such a view, such a beautiful sight
I think I just, oh, I think I just died, oh-oh-oh
And went to Heaven

And went to Heaven

We're gonna be birds and fly
We're gonna set the world alight
We're gonna lose ourselves tonight
Woah-oh-oh
We're gonna be birds and fly
We're gonna set the world alight
We're gonna lose ourselves tonight
Oh-oh-oh, in Heaven (Heaven)

Dearest Lindsey… it’s been 2 years and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. It’s surreal even now that you are gone. I have to live my life without you and it’s stressful and strange. I was looking at this flannel shirt you wore that was mine but you wore it often. You loved me so much and I love you so much. It feels so strange that you are gone. My heart hurts thinking about it all. Your parents are such amazing people and I can’t wait to go visit them soon. Your sister hurt her hand recently and I probably should call her tomorrow. I’m dealing with allot of anxiety and problems at work. This week I need to make sure my mom gets home safely and the weather is extremely cold like 9 degrees outside. Please look after my mom and me. I miss you sweetheart so much and it’s only going to be another 1900 to 2000 weeks before I see you again. It will go by quickly.

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die as a happy man I'm sure
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
But if you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody
'Cause you brought out the best of me
A part of me I'd never seen
You took my soul wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens
But if you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody
Ooh, if you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody
Like you, ooh

I know you are dancing in the sky with Tanna- Sorry for your loss William. Sending you so much love and prayers. Until we meet them again on the other side.

https://youtu.be/cb61AVsxD34?si=Tlj6pcbdEGLG4laV

Traveling somewhere, could be anywhere
There's a coldness in the air, but I don't care
We drift deeper, life goes on
We drift deeper into the sound
Traveling somewhere, could be anywhere
There's a coldness in the air, but I don't care
We drift deeper into the sound, life goes on
We drift deeper into the sound, feeling strong
So bring it on
So bring it on
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Oh, embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
So bring it on
So bring it on
We drift deeper into the sound, life goes on
We drift deeper into the sound, feeling strong
So bring it on
So bring it on
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Oh, embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Oh, embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
Oh, embrace me, surround me as the rush comes
As the rush comes
As the rush comes
As the rush comes
As the rush comes

https://youtu.be/cb61AVsxD34?si=Tlj6pcbdEGLG4laV

Every time I see your face
There's a cloud hangin' over you
In such a beautiful way
There's a poetry to your solitude
Ooh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Ooh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
You won't ever have to try
To live by everybody else's rules
It'll be just you and I
Together in the altitude
Ooh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Ooh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
You should let me love ya, love ya

My biggest fear is that we were meant to be together forever.
We missed out on all the ways we were supposed to love each other
Our hearts should never have been separated as I felt they beat simultaneously . Not a day goes by not a minute not an hour of the day passes that I don't think about you and the void you left behind with your death my heart hurts daily but not for you. I feel you are in heaven and at peace or so I hope in my heart. Im doing my best here without you and i know you sent me Haley as an angel to keep me grounded and here on earth to help others teach the Bible to others who are GOOD people and who deserve to know the gospel of Jesus Christ . Thank you Lindsey for opening that book for me.

Mama told me when I was young
"Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it'll help you
Some sunny day"
Oh, yeah
Oh, take your time, don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
You'll find a woman, yeah, and you'll find love
And don't forget son there is someone up above
And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son, if you can?
Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh, baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied
And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son, if you can?
Oh, yes, I will
Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh, baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied
And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son, if you can?
Baby, be a simple, be a simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man

You always liked this song . I miss you and it doesn’t fade away. I love you and your presence in my life had a profound impact and effect on my life and my beliefs. I am going to try to read your Bible 5 days a week and teach others about it that are good people who deserve to Go to God in heaven. I’ll see you again soon ;) Derfla biscuits :) I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Baby, I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Well, there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember, when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath, we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above
But, all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you?
And it's not a cry, that you hear at night
It's not somebody, who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah

It’s July and I wish I could light fireworks with you, pick flowers for you and see your smile . Your eyes I miss . I have found happiness in your absence but it feels like shattered memories of us at times. I know you are behind me meeting Haley and i know you knew I was going to die and Join you . You pulled strings from the other side and I feel it in my bones . You set me free…. You and me made eachother happy and my love for you goes on after this world . The ear .. the ear fold was a nice touch to make me realize that you were behind this. I appreciate you . Life isn’t easy and You left me too soon. You didn’t realize what you did when you did it. I don’t think you truly understood the error you made until it was too late. I miss you so much it hits my heart every single day. Ily fuzzy

I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spider-Man's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list
But she said, where d'you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can kiss
I want something just like this

It’s your birthday soon . I went out to plant flowers for you. Planted a dogwood tree with your dad at the church. Pastor Jimmy seemed happy. It was nice to see your mom and grandma. I’m worried about your sister Claudia. Please look after her I’m doing my best but she seldom responds to my texts . I love you Lindsey and I miss you. I’ll see your dad for his birthday.

My dearest Little Lindsey my love I miss you dearly. I am currently laying in bed in your old bedroom. Your picture at my nightstand of you kissing me. Why did you have to leave me at age 29? Why did I have to loose you? Your parents miss you your dad is extremely sad. Your mom is very upset because now Claudia is also going down the path of alcoholism and it’s serious and it could kill her. I wrote you often Lindsey and I don’t know what to do to help Claudia. I tried to get her to come out for planting a tree at the church but she didn’t go. I tried to get her to spend time with me and your dad but she didn’t go. I tried to get her to not drink and it’s like she is fixated on being alone and drinking alcohol. Please help her ! I love you Lindsey !!!!

Dearest Little itty bitty fuzzy biscuit Lindsey not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. If you only knew just how much I miss you. I know you would have done things differently.  I can go on and I can attempt to find happiness without you but the pain that deeply hurt deeply affects and dwells in my soul make me a difficult person to love. To find a person who not only loves me for me and my weirdness but accepts me for the BROKEN person I am because of your death days before you got your wedding dress. I never thought this would be my story. When I finally got to be with you after 7 years of longing to kiss you and hug you and hope you would also love me back the same way. I never expected that you would be this pretty and this beautiful And as weird as you are! Perfect for me!!

You're the bee to my honeycomb…………The bubble of my gum! You're a Saturday morning! You're the anticipation …Before the fireworks Go off!! You're the quick contemplation….Between the flash and the pop!! You're the last song on the radio We were singing so loud! Bouncing all around my head And spilling out my mouth! You're the apple of my еye & The pumpkin to my pie! You're a warm pair of socks…Put on fresh out of the dryer   ••• You're a plump golden marshmallow…Kissed by the fire! You're my silver lining…On every storm cloud!! You're the smell of the springtime When the rain's coming down! You're the first little sizzle …When the egg hits the pan! You're the mint chocolate chip….Drippin' out my hand. You're the warm summer sun On my toes in the sand! You're the butterflies in my stomach Every time that I hold your hand

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife, it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry, but baby
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give 'em all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
(If I could turn back time)
My world was shattered, I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
When you walked out that door
I swore that I didn't care
But I lost every thing, darlin', then and there
Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and darlin'
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give 'em all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do, ohh
If I could turn back time
(If I could turn back time)
If I could turn back time
(If I could turn back time)
If I could turn back time, ohh baby
I didnt really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry
But ohh
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time
(Turn back time)
If I could find a way (Find a way)
Then maybe, maybe, maybe you'd stay
(Reach the stars)

This song came on at the gas station and my mind thinks of you in heaven looking down .
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=95OL4D1tpdc

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AMZdP8LqClY

Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I'm gonna give you my heart
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
'Cause you light up the path
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh-ooh, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I saw you
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I wanna die in your arms, oh, oh-oh
'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I'm gonna give you my heart, oh
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh-ooh, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I see you
I think I see you
'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
Such a heavenly view
You're such a heavenly view

Up on a hill across the blue lake
That's where I had my first heartbreak
I still remember how it all changed
My father said
Don't you worry, don't you worry, child
See heaven's got a plan for you
Don't you worry, don't you worry now!
There was a time
I met a girl of a different kind
We ruled the world
I thought I'd never lose her out of sight
We were so young
I think of her now and then
I still hear the songs reminding me of a friend
Up on a hill across the blue lake
That's where I had my first heartbreak
I still remember how it all changed
My father said
Don't you worry, don't you worry, child
See heaven's got a plan for you!

You did it again Lindsey I went across the street to royal farms to get fuel at 1 am and this song comes on the speaker and I’m all alone pumping fuel crying sobbing because not only do I miss you but in 3 days it will be March 6th the worst day of my life.  I had to look up these song lyrics as I know for certain now this is how you try to communicate with me specifically at this gas station specifically through song lyrics. This one song particular that played tonight while I got fuel broke me into a million pieces and I miss you and love you with every one of those million pieces . The song is called scar tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know-it-all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
Push me up against the wall
Young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra
Fallin' all over myself
To lick your heart and taste your health 'cause
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely view
Blood loss in a bathroom stall
A southern girl with a scarlet drawl
I wave goodbye to ma and pa
'Cause with the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
Soft spoken with a broken jaw
Step outside but not to brawl and
Autumn's sweet, we call it fall
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely view
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know-it-all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely viewin'
With the birds I'll share this lonely view

I miss you still so much it hurts my soul
This past year has Been more than difficult. 40 more years possibly till I see you again maybe less maybe much less

Happy Valentine’s Day beautiful I miss you Lindsey . Last year I bought you a rose plant I thought we would have it for many years. Last Valentine’s Day you made sure to stay with me and I didn’t understand why it was so important to you. I figured we could celebrate next year it’s just Valentine’s Day. I never thought it would be our last. Some people think that after you die you are forgotten about. You are not forgotten. I miss you daily. Life goes on without you but painfully. I’m fortunate to have people like my mom and your parents mom and dad and sister. We still talk often and I never forget about you. I hate the fact that you didn’t understand how important you are. Yeah Lindsey we all love you we all needed you and my chest still hurts daily when I think about you. I don’t care 1 year or 10 years or 30 years I’ll always love you I’ll always think about you and the children we would have had together. You would have been a good sweet loving caring mom. I miss you itty bitty Lindsey Happy Valentine’s Day beautiful I miss you Lindsey

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know

Somebody to have

Somebody to hold

It's easy to say

But it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds Into nightfall

And you're not here To get me through it all

I let my guard down And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to

This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you

Now, I need somebody to know

Somebody to heal

Somebody to have

Just to know how it feels

It's easy to say but it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes

I fall into your arms

I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around

Dear Lord Jesus please look after Lindsey
Please let me find her . It’s almost a year since I got that horrible phone call on Sunday morning. It’s a day I’ll never forget March 6th . The day I knew I would never see you again. It felt like someone took a fist and punched it through my chest through my heart and ripped it out of my body. I felt sadness like I had never felt before.  There is no word for that feeling. I remember the water pouring out of the building I remember the power outage that failed in both our main animal buildings and I felt you so strongly that day. I remember the heart shaped rock o found on the ground as I fell to my knees in agony . I was beyond grateful for you in my life Lindsey and loosing you has been HELL. I needed you and I loved you and I still love you. I know that this all happened for a reason. I know that you must’ve seen the soul of Stella or seen your little baby that never was born and that joy that love was enough for you to leave me and maybe that’s okay. Maybe you knew at that moment that in your dying it would give me the strength to to listen and live a life Jesus Christ would be proud of me and although I won’t see you again for another 29 -39-49 years? When I do it will be forever and forever and eternity and ill never be without you again . If I did not loose you on earth I may have let my heart fill with hate and hatred and anger and I would have lost you forever. I love you itty bitty little fuzzy so much my heart hurts daily and I am trying my best. I’ve been praying and I feel in a way God let me come into your life to be closer with your family your father your mother and grandmother and everyone who loves you . I lost my dad and you are up in heaven with my dad and I’m down here with your dad.  I know my dad would love you and I’m sure you are having a wonderful time in heaven. But dam Lindsey I miss you . :(

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game without you
Without you
I am lost, I am vain
I will never be the same without you
Without you
… I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by without you
Without you
Uh, I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I, without you
Without you
… Oh oh oh
You, you, you
Without you, you, you
Without you
… Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged without you
Without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night without you
Without you
I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed without you
Without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind without you
Without you
… Oh oh oh
You, you, you
Without you, you, you
Without you
… I am lost, I am vain
I will never be the same without you
Without you
Without you

Every so often I write here to leave a tribute to you Lindsey . I write to you here cause it seems like the only way I can still talk to you . Everybody has their own way of dealing with loneliness and depression but loosing you has been catastrophic for me. It’s New Year’s Eve and you should be here to give me a kiss , but instead all I have is a small amount of your ashes remains and pictures of you . I love you so much fuzzy Derfla biscuit and I’m sorry that I can’t join you just yet but I’ll see you soon enough. Your sister Claudia really misses you as much as I embrace your family I am doctor balloons not Derfla biscuits. I miss you so much it hurts my soul but I will try my best to be strong for you. Welcome to another year without you 2023 . Love always and Forever

Once upon a time i believed in true love. I believed in meeting my other half & my soulmate. Someone who I could talk to about anything and never feel uncomfortable. I found that place that place was your heart Lindsey . You didn’t judge me for anything. You loved me wholeheartedly and I just never thought you would die on me so young. I thought we would have children together and a family together and a life together. I met someone recently who was very similar to me. Good work ethic, good head on her shoulders, not wasteful with money, sweet kind and made me happy and took away the depression and sadness from loosing you. Evidently I’m not supposed to have feelings for a person so “fast” lol. That’s the first time I’ve ever been told I do something fast. I feel Like when you know you just know. You feel it in your heart and soul. I know it takes time to “love”! But Lindsey I knew you were the one for me 9 years ago. I knew it in 2016 the most 2017,2018,2019,2020,but it took till 2021 to kiss you . 6-+ years and I feel I’m patient when it comes to that. I also know that if I had got to you sooner you may still be alive. You were my other half and my best friend! I feel empty without you and for one day I felt better. I felt like in all the world I met the person that would be able to some how fill that void in my soul from loosing you. Even if she was just a friend and not a girlfriend. Of course I was wrong. I oftentimes think that I should just follow you. I miss the food you made. I miss the soup lol I miss your beautiful eyes! I miss your voice sweetheart I miss your weirdness! I miss your silliness! I thought to myself maybe just maybe I’m not going to be alone in this world anymore. Looks like the more I try to show my love the worse it gets. Only you understood me. Ily you left me alone you left me empty. I miss coffee with you. I miss sleeping into the afternoon together! I miss talking about lizard and frogs and insects with you! I miss how you were not like anyone else! Weird silly and cute! I miss your fuzzy little ear lobes . I miss how you liked it when i touched your ear lobes . I miss your phone calls and texts every day to say I love you! I miss buying you roses for Valentine’s Day ! I miss everything why did I ever think that anyone could love me the way you did? No matter how perfect or similar any other girl is. She’s going to leave me for the most minimal thing like having feelings for her. Some how people like Jack can punch girlfriend in the eye or Dam near beat the crap out of the person they “Love “ treat them like garbage and they stay together lol but if I do so much as express my feelings in my own way or message someone too much it’s overwhelming lol. You know what’s overwhelming? Having the perfect person you love above everything die on you at age 29 that’s overwhelming! I guess some people do not realize overwhelming. Love is a beautiful wonderful thing it’s rare and hard to find true real love . And I guess when someone shows true feelings these days people get overwhelming feelings that they don’t know how to react . It’s too much ! Lol Lindsey I remember telling you that you are too much lol now I understand you were not too much you were just absolutely in love with me. Life sucks without you. I love

We are getting older
I'm not who I used to be, mmm
Took some time to figure out
But now I start to see, mmm
I was not meant to stay here
It's so hard to say, need to go away
I will carry you with me wherever
I will never
Never forget you
Never forget you
If you miss me, close your eyes
And I'll be there
Look at the pictures
Of memories we shared, mmm
I was not meant to stay here
It's so hard to say, need to go away
I will carry you with me wherever
I will never
Never forget you
Never forget you
I will never
Never forget you

Every time I see your face
There's a cloud hangin' over you
In such a beautiful way
There's a poetry to your solitude
Oh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Oh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
You won't ever have to try
To live by everybody else's rules
It'll be just you and I
Together in the altitude
Oh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Oh, you should let me love you
Hold me now, forever more
Oh, I've been thinking of you
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
Tell me I'm forever yours
You should let me love ya, love ya

Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I'm gonna give you my heart
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
'Cause you light up the path
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh-ooh, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I saw you
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I wanna die in your arms, oh, oh-oh
'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I'm gonna give you my heart, oh
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh-ooh, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I see you
I think I see you
'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
Such a heavenly view
You're such a heavenly view

We were one and the same
2 people who shared the same soul
When you died I died too.
All my life I’ve been waiting for you!
Allllll my love Lindsey
You were the best .. all my live I’ve been hoping for you! You made my brain so happy it felt like a balloon floating! My feelings for you have always been true.
I just want to hear your voice right now ! I want you to show me what you are going to dress up as for Halloween. I can’t believe you left me when I needed you the most .
To say I love you is just not enough… you are my oxygen…. You are the electric impulse that drives my heart, you are the melody in my ear ! You are the serotonin dopamine and norepinephrine surging through the neurons of my mind. I am broken into a trillion pieces without you .

Faster than Light .

Tonight I got a message from your friend Jimmy from Kentucky ! He shared a picture he had of you on his phone before you left to come home.

If I could travel faster than light Lindsey I would go back to the moment you died and save you somehow or die holding you in my arms. Feeling the ache inside my heart. There is no fix for a broken heart. You were the song that beautiful melody that just completed me. You left me an empty shell .. I promised you forever.  You can’t be my last love ever , was I supposed to die with you? Or left behind to bear your loss forever? 
We were one of a kind .
Sunday march 6th left me broken
Never to go to church with you
Never to read the Bible with you
Never to have a garden with you or anything. All our dreams evaporated. From the time I was 16 I always have wanted someone just like you ! I finally found you!! And poof one day we all leave this world behind like a butterfly metamorphosis . But I can’t even look at the stars cause it makes me think of you !  You told me that you would always be there but your eyes told me you won’t be there for me. Now I have to carry my cross without you. I truly love you. My heart hurts, how I wish you were here! I feel stuck without you. I made myself a egg for dinner tonight in the copper pan you asked me to get for you. I put it on the plates we bought together. I poured myself a glass of juice into the mug I bought for you for your 30th birthday. I washed my dish and put it in the dishwasher and flipped the magnet you put on it with your handwriting that says dirty and clean. I made a smoothie and put the last spoon of collegen powder that you bought in it. I washed my socks and put the clean socks in the drawer that you labeled Willum bears many socks . I set my alarm on your phone to wake me up tomorrow. I look at your framed picture at my bedside and kissed your forehead . I put the shirt you wore on my pillow and lay my head down and try to imagine what your soul is doing tonight. Is is soar in the clouds or are you ok? What is heaven ? Do you feel like you were just born? Are you back in the arms of Love ?? What was it like the moment you died and went to heaven? Was Jesus Christ there to tell you that you were going to Heaven? Was it like falling asleep and waking up in another world ? Did you get to see us all weep over your loss ? When I first kissed you I thought I died and was in heaven! I had waited for you for years. Now I have to wait the rest of my life and never see you again. I wish I could tell you how long I was waiting for you ! There was no turning back once I held your hands and now I need to let go . I’m my life I never felt love like that before. Nothing hurts more than to know I’ll never see another sunrise with you . You made my soul complete! You made it easy to breathe! You made me laugh and cry and you made life wonderful! It feels like the moment I got that phone call from Claudia your sister that you were dead it felt like a disconnect from reality. Everything sits In the place you left it. Your clothes hang in the closet, your shoes sit right where you left them waiting for you to come home and put them on. I know I have to be strong but it feels like waves crashing down drowning me in the absence of your love… the absolute worst feeling in the world is the despair of having to bear a life without your presence. Our last Christmas our last Valentine’s Day together. The last time I held you in my arms the last time you lay in bed and your still dancing in my head. When I looked into your eyes I got a feeling I never had before, a powerful feeling! My heart felt on fire in a good way… I thought I could be the one to make you happy forever. I felt free in my soul thinking about life with you . I miss your face… I miss you… I’m here without you and I think about you every night. You are always in my dreams . I wish you were here right now. How many things I wanted to do with you and places to go with you. Am I supposed to be strong for your dad? Am I supposed to be strong for your mom ? For Claudia? What do you want me to do ? I’ve learned an important lesson from you. That lesson is that life without Lindsey is painful and that I am grateful for the time I spent with you. You taught me to embrace Jesus Christ. You taught me to see the darkness in the light! You saw me for me and you took my hand and didn’t let go ! I saw the Hope in your heart for a long happy future together! This Willum Bear is tired Lindsey fuzzy DerflA Biscut. I ask myself how was this Gods plan to rob me of our love ? The baby in heaven baby baby in heaven needed his mommy and for that reason and that reason only I accept loosing you. I know you wouldn’t have left me for any other reason but our child. I can almost picture you opening a door to see our son and reaching your arms out in joy to hold our baby not even realizing it was a 1 way door that you couldn’t return.  Lindsey I love you sweetheart. Take care of our baby till I get there to see him myself one day . Goodnight Biscut i love you. One day I’ll see you again! 

So today is like no other day. You’re still not here you’re not coming back I won’t see you again until I die and even then I’m not sure. Maybe I didn’t deserve you. I spoke with your mother today via text I text your father to speak with Claudia every now and then she still extremely sad without you and always will be. As for me I’m starting to reconcile. I’m ruined I never thought I’d ever say another person could ruin me but you ruined me I don’t know what to do I miss you more than words could ever express I was looking at that picture you drew for me that says love heals all wounds I wish you knew how special how talented how wonderful you are. I love you Lindsey I love you with all my heart. Here’s a song for you that you might like. It’s called a sky full of stars by Coldplay. I miss you

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FAsOx3O4tdk​

Dear lindsey love of my life,

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2rn-vMbFglI

To say I miss you is the biggest understatement. Yesterday I know you knocked on my door to wake me up so I was not late for work. No one else would’ve knocked on my bedroom door’!
I know you love music I hope some how you can read these messages and listen to this song it’s from the movie UP. I keep forgetting you are gone I want you to come home and I realize that I need to come to you. I must wait till my mom is gone. I must wait to help your dad and help your sister and mom. I must wait a little longer to hold you again. I wish I could go back to February 13th id never let you leave!

I love you ❤️ and I can’t believe you are gone. 
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=h_2szLAf4wQ#dialog

Don't underestimate the hole your absence would leave. Each of us, are remarkable creatures, and we have something to offer to the world. Lindsey you offered me so much and we had such wonderful memories. You truely were my other half.

Out the blue you came to me
And blew away life's misery
Out the blue life's energy
Out the blue you came to me

Everyday I thank the Lord and Lady
For the way that you came to me
Anyway it had to be two minds one destiny

Out the blue you came to me
And blew away life's misery
Out the blue life's energy
Out the blue you came to me

All my life's been a long slow knife
I was born just to get to you
Anyway I survived long enough to make you my wife

Out the blue you came to me
And blew away life's misery
Out the blue life's energy
Out the blue you came to me

Like a U.F.O. you came to me
And blew away life's misery
Out the blue life's energy
Out the blue you came to me

To My Wife Lindsey, I wish I could turn back the clock, I would find you sooner and love you longer. If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then, would you realize how special you are to me. I look back and realize just how precious you are and how you could not see just how perfect you are. I never thought i would loose you forever. I needed you in my life and you made me happy.

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me
Over the phone
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine
And never leave home
No amount of coffee
No amount of crying
No amount of whiskey
No amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you
I've gotta have you

Today I bear the burden of never holding you in my arms again. I feel like I won’t make it 2 more years without you. Life without you is not life. I’m just going through the motions of life. Smile when I’m supposed to smile , laugh when I’m supposed to laugh. Life is hollow now without you. I am like a tree on the outside I may look okay. I may seem like I still have leaves and bark and I’m alive. But at my core I’m hollow and dead without you my love.

My dearest love , today is the day we make Lindsey garden with your ginko trees and favorite flowers.Lindsey you were everything I had ever hoped for in a wife. So loving . I wish I could turn back time. Some say you are in a better place. That you are happy now. I want to be with you. If that means that I must let go of this world to be in your arms. I didn’t truely believe in soulmates until I met you. When I hold your remains close to my heart I feel at peace. You were whom I was supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I feel empty and sick without you. I miss the sound of your beautiful voice singing. I miss the way you felt in my arms. I miss your snuggles and cuteness. I love you Lindsey you are my other half and I’m scared to do this without you. I’m falling apart without you.