Lisa and I always talked about how we would move on if the other one went before us. Lisa pegged me on the head...she said I would get into a relationship too soon and then i would go a little wild, and then I would settle back into a "regular life". She was right. Part of me regrets getting into a relationship so soon. From the outside looking in it seems as if I was over the loss and ok and just moving on with my life. From the outside looking it one would have reason to doubt the depth of my love for Lisa. I can understand that. From the inside, however, it was a different story. My world was turned upside down and I was empty and lost. My mom was gone. My dad was gone. Blake was grown and living on his own. And then Lisa, my rock, my anchor, my everything, was gone. I didn't know how to llive. At one point I didn't want to live. So I filled the emptiness with the presence of someone else. Yes, I loved her. Yes, she helped me through a terrible time. But no, I wasn't IN LOVE with her. I couldn 't be. My heart still belonged to Lisa. It was wrong. It was too early. But it filled that hole that was in my life for that time. Of course it didn't last. Maybe 5 months or so. And then I moved on. Then I REALLY grieved. And I fell apart. I wasn't strong enough to handle all of that emptiness. And I slipped into the emptiness and almost lost myself and my life. After that, I slowly began to live. I grew stronger. I was able to grieve and joyfully remember the 20 years we shared at the same time. Neither emotion overshadowing the other. I lived. A little over a year after Lisa died I got into another relationship. This time I went slow. We talked for a while. We dated. Then we moved in together. It had great parts and not so great parts. It lasted a year then it was over too. For several more months we did this limbo thing. Not together. Not single. Another loss was hard for me to accept. But finally, I accepted it for what it was and let it go. I learned so much about myself through this process. I grew so much stronger. Now Ive been living alone for almost a year. That's the longest I've ever lived alone. Ive been single for a large part of that. And im ok with it. I hope someday I find another love that makes me feel like I did before. Not the same love, but the feeling of being loved and wanted and cherished. Maybe I will find it. Maybe I won't, Im not looking.  But if I never do, I know  ive experienced a true, deep love like some never get to.For that Im blessed. Now, after 3 long years, I'm still reflecting on Lisa's words before she went. It's funny how she knew me better than I knew myself. She knew exactly how I would react. And just like she predicted, now I'm finally ok and stable again. Im living not existing. Im strong not weak. Im the version of me that she always knew I would be, Every day I feel like im getting stronger and finding out more about myself. Everyday I'm blessed to get that opportunity. And everyday I miss that person that knew me so well. I miss her. I love her. And I always will regardless to what happens in my life. And I truly believe that somehow, she knows that. 

Lisa and I were apart for a short time..but thankfully we found our way back to each other. My mom called me one day when Lisa and I were separated and told me that there was someone who wanted to talk to me. It was Lisa on the line. She told me that she had found a house and was ready to buy it. She told me that it wasn't the big house we had talked about, but it was a place I could come home to. The very first time I walked into that little blue house it felt like home to me, although it was not my home at the time and we were both with other people. I walked through looking at the rooms, feeling them, and turned and told Lisa that someday I would be living there and that it was my home. She just laughed. We went through so many phases when we were apart. She was ready to get back together but I wasn't ready. Then I was ready and she was stubbornly saying never. Then we both wanted it but was too scared to try. Finally, at long last, we were both ready and sure..and the little blue house was the place I came home to. I have so many memories in that house with her. Thank you Lisa for giving me a place to come home to, for patiently waiting for me, and for never, ever giving up on us. I have always loved you and always will. 

First of all, I want to say that Lisa was my favorite cousin.  Even though we didn't visit each other a lot, we still knew that the other was there for us if needed. 

When Lisa and Manda came to me and asked me if I would perform their wedding ceremony, my first thought was that I couldn't speak in front of a bunch of people.  But, with their encouraging words and a little practice, I decided that I would do this for them no matter what.  When I read the ceremonial words that they put together, I cried.  I just couldn't believe that two people could love each other so much.  When they asked me to read over and proofread their vows, I could hardly read them without crying.  Part of the reason for this was that I was so envious of the love that they shared... that I have never been loved so completely and so deeply.  I only hope, some day, to find a love like they shared. 

I will miss Lisa so much.  She was always the most kind and caring person that I knew.  She would do anything for you if it was in her power to do so.  I love you Lisa, please give my Mom and Dad, Aunt Audie, and your Dad, my Uncle Brown all a big hug and tell them how much I love and miss you all.  I say a prayer every day that God will bring a little peace to Manda and Blake.  I know that they will reluctantly go on with their lives, but you will be sorely missed and always in our thoughts.