ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of my sweet baby boy, Lucas Alexander Redman, who was born still on the 18th of October, 2010.

Lucas, please know that I love you more than life, and I will always hold you in my heart, my sweet baby. Forever in my heart. We will be together again, God willing, and I will hold you in my arms forever.

October 18, 2012
October 18, 2012
Sara I am so very proud of you and I love you so much. Be at peace today as you cherish your memories and look to the future.
October 17, 2012
October 17, 2012
Dear Lucas, love you forever, remember you always.
September 18, 2012
September 18, 2012
Lucas, I'm remembering you and your mommy today. <3
September 5, 2012
September 5, 2012
Remembering you and loving you. Always.
August 22, 2012
August 22, 2012
Little Lucas, it has been a rough week or two...as your Angelversary approaches it is getting harder to cope with you being gone. Words are completely inadequate, and I can't begin to explain all the emotions that I feel. Predominately, sadness. I miss you so much, and I wish that you had been given the chance to live, and grow, and learn, and love. Thinking of you always, Little Man.
August 19, 2012
August 19, 2012
Thinking of you and your mommy. Let her feel your love and peace and take comfort in the knowledge that we will all meet again in the proper time.
June 1, 2012
June 1, 2012
Missing you, my precious Little Man...I wish I could trade places with you. You were the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me, and now you are gone. I am so angry, and so sad, and I feel so helpless. I love you, little one.
May 27, 2012
May 27, 2012
Thinking of You and remembering you sweet little Lucas. <3
May 11, 2012
May 11, 2012
Thinking of you, sweet Lucas, and your dear mommy on this Mothers Day eve.
May 6, 2012
May 6, 2012
Thinking of you today Lucas.  <3 Happy Babyloss Mothers Day Sara.
April 7, 2012
April 7, 2012
Happy Easter Lucas! Thinking of you and your mommy today.
April 7, 2012
April 7, 2012
Sweet Lucas, I am thinking of you this Easter, and every day. I miss you so very much! I would give anything to have you here with me.....I love you, Little Man.
Mommy
March 18, 2012
March 18, 2012
Dear Lucas, thinking of you today and every day.
February 14, 2012
February 14, 2012
Happy Valentines Day Lucas! <3 Thinking of you and your Mommy today.
February 14, 2012
February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day, Little Man. I love you and miss you so much, today and every day!
January 2, 2012
January 2, 2012
Thinking of you, Little Man. I miss you so very much.
December 24, 2011
December 24, 2011
Precious Baby Lucas, Merry Christmas in Heaven. Thinking of you and your Mommy today. <3
November 22, 2011
November 22, 2011
Thinking of you and your Mommy! Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven Angel Baby Lucas.
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Happy Birthday Lucas! Time has flown by. I know you and my Gabriel are romping around In Heaven keeping each other company!! One day the 4 of us can celebrate!!!
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Dear sweet Lucas, thinking of you today and always. I know you are watching over your mommy and sending her love and strength today and every day.
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Remembering you today. Happy 1st Angel Birthday Lucas!
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Thinking of you today and always,
Your Auntie Anne
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Sweet Little Man, I am sending all my love to you today, on your 1st Angelversary, and every day. I miss you so very much and my life will never be the same. Nothing and no-one will ever replace you, Lucas. Please know that I love you more than life.
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Sara, hello. I hope you're doing well today. You are in my thoughts, as is Lucas.
October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
Happy 1st Birthday Lucas! I've been thinking of you and your Mommy all day today! Please continue to give her strength in the days to come!
October 1, 2011
October 1, 2011
Thinking of you and your Mommy today.
September 18, 2011
September 18, 2011
Happy 11 Month Angel Birthday Lucas. We will Always Remember You!
September 18, 2011
September 18, 2011
Thinking of you Little Man, on your 11 month Angelversary.....
August 18, 2011
August 18, 2011
Lucas--sweet angel baby, you are being remembered today! Happy 10 month Angel Birthday!
August 18, 2011
August 18, 2011
Thinking of you and your Mommy today! I pray for strength and peace for her during this difficult time. Keep smiling little Buddy!
July 18, 2011
July 18, 2011
Happy 9 month Angel Birthday Lucas. Thinking of you and your Mom today.
July 18, 2011
July 18, 2011
You are 9 months old today in Mommy's heart, Little Man. Sending all my love to you. <3
June 19, 2011
June 19, 2011
Happy Angelversary Little Lucas. I love you!!! <3
June 14, 2011
June 14, 2011
Dear sweet Little Man, I am thinking of you tonight, as I always do, and missing you so very much. Life is so very confusing...and painful, and wonderful, and full of hope, and hurt. But the constant in my life, dear Little Lucas, is my love for you.
June 14, 2011
June 14, 2011
Sweet Baby Lucas,
Your mommy is a very strong person! I pray that you continue to give her strength until you meet again. Sweet dreams little buddy!
June 10, 2011
June 10, 2011
Love to you, sweet girl. You and your beautiful boy Lucas are always in my thoughts.
May 18, 2011
May 18, 2011
Happy 7 Month Angelversary, sweet Lucas baby. I miss you so very much. I am sending all my love to you, on this and every day.
~Mommy
April 24, 2011
April 24, 2011
Happy Easter Lucas. Thinking of you and your Mommy today.
April 19, 2011
April 19, 2011
I love you, my sweet Little Man. Thinking of you as I always do, and wondering where you are, and how soon I may see you again. <3
April 18, 2011
April 18, 2011
Dear nephew,
It's been six months, now. We miss you. I'm sure you are happy tonight on the other side, forever safe and protected from the vagaries of this life. We will all see you someday. Til then, we love you, Lucas.
March 29, 2011
March 29, 2011
Dear Lucas we will never forget you. Though your time on earth was brief, you have had a huge impact on all of us who loved you before you were born and love you still. You will always be my first grandbaby, sweet little boy.
March 10, 2011
March 10, 2011
Sweet Little Man, your Mommy is missing you so very much. You would have been five months old in a few days! I love you with all of my heart, Lucas, and I miss you more than I can ever say!
February 12, 2011
February 12, 2011
My dear Baby Lucas, I am so sorry I didn't get to know you. I can't find the words to express how sad I feel for your sweet mommy who, although I have not shown it enough, is very dear to me. I pray for her happiness....
February 8, 2011
February 8, 2011
Lucas,

Watch over your momma in this time of grieving. In you is where she finds strength and comfort. Somewhere up in Heaven, I know you and my own angel, Gabriel are rompusing around. Watch over your family!!! We were lucky to have you.
February 7, 2011
February 7, 2011
I DID NOT KNOW YOU BUT I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. THE PICTURES OF YOUR BABY LOOK LIKE YOU HAD A ROUGH DELIVERY.I LOST A CHILD YEARS AGO SO MY HEART ACHES FOR YOU. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND AGAIN SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
February 7, 2011
February 7, 2011
Sending all my love to you, Baby Lucas. I miss you so much! I desperately wish that you were here with me, sweet angel baby.
December 25, 2010
December 25, 2010
My sweet Little Man, your Mommy is missing you like crazy this Christmas. I cannot wait to be with you forever Lucas. Til then, I am sending all my love.
December 24, 2010
December 24, 2010
Beautiful boy, your Grammy is sending love to you this Christmas Eve.
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Recent Tributes
October 18, 2023
October 18, 2023
Thinking of you and your sweet Mama today Lucas! Happy 13th Birthday!
October 18, 2023
October 18, 2023
Happy Birthday in Heaven <3 Lucas <3
You are Loved, Missed, and Remembered <3
October 19, 2022
October 19, 2022
My sweet Little Man, I'm thinking of you, wondering what you'd be like at age 12. I hope that you are proud of your little brother, and watching over him. Wherever you are, baby, I hope that you feel my love and know that you are still desperately missed, as you always will be. A piece of my heart flies with you always Little Man.
Recent stories
November 29, 2013

This was the first Angel Birthday, Lucas' 3rd, that I was able to "celebrate" at all, without breaking down and crying all day long. A milestone for me. Glad that I could remember my Little Man with smiles, instead of constant sadness. 

"A Mother"

February 7, 2011

 

I am a Mother

I am an empty vessel

I am nothingness and fear

Pain is a dull knife slipping slowly in

  twisting; dragging; fiery-hot

Pain is a small cold body

  wrapped in an embroidered blanket

Hell is an empty womb

Tears like ice

  burning; scorching

  raining down unchecked

  onto my chest where you should lie

Questions with no answers

Darkness with no light

I am nothingness and fear

I am an empty vessel

But

I am still a Mother.

                                        ~Sara E. Redman, Dec. 21, 2010

My Story

November 16, 2010

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked. I was actively trying NOT to get pregnant; shock is a mild term for what I felt! Initially I was scared, apprehensive. What was I going to do with a tiny newborn baby?!?! I was in the middle of school, and I had so many questions. After a few weeks, I warmed up to the idea of being a mommy. A few weeks after that, I was thrilled and just wanted to see my son, and hold him for the first time! His due date couldn't arrive soon enough!

On Sunday morning, at about 1am, the 17th of October, I realized that I hadn't felt my baby move for a while. I didn't think much of it; he usually had his "special times" to go crazy in mommy's belly. I drank some ice water, ate a popsicle, and lay down to wait for the inevitable squirming and jabbing. After a half an hour, I had not felt any movement, and, becoming concerned, I called the hospital that I would be delivering at. The nurse I spoke to told me to come in "just to make sure" that everything was alright. Feeling a bit better (surely I was just being paranoid--I had had an appointment with my Doctor on the previous Tuesday, and my boy's heartbeat was strong, and everything was fine.), I headed for the door. On the way out, something made me grab my "hospital bag", in which I had already packed Lucas' outfit for his first picture, and his coming home outfit.

I checked in at the hospital and was taken to Labor & Delivery. Two nurses came in and tried to find Lucas' heartbeat with a Doppler. At this point, it was roughly 3am. Neither of the nurses could find the heartbeat, and at that point, I still hadn't really reconciled myself to the fact that my baby was gone. I was in denial.  I cradled my belly, saying, "Come on, Lucas baby, you are ok, come on baby", just rocking back and forth. At 4am my Doctor showed up, brought in an ultrasound machine, and confirmed my nightmare: my baby boy was gone. I will never forget his words to me after I frantically asked, "Where is his heartbeat?": "Sara, there isn't one, alright?" And my world collapsed.

I began crying uncontrollably, sobbing and wailing. I just couldn't believe that in a matter of minutes, my life was irrevocably changed. And so began the worst day that I will ever experience.

My Doctor said that I should deliver vaginally as opposed to having a C-section, to speed my healing time and reduce the risks to subsequent pregnancies. To me, this just seemed cruel, as though I was needlessly prolonging my pain, both emotionally and physically. Why should I go through something that should be an amazing and incredible experience, when I knew the outcome? I fought at first, but after an hour or so,  relented. I just wanted to be DOING SOMETHING, anything.....labor induction began at 5am. The following 22 hours were the longest, hardest, most horrifying of my life. I was given an epidural when the contractions became increasingly painful, which served only to completely numb my left leg, and make me itch uncontrollably.

After hours of physical pain and incredible emotional agony, I delivered my precious boy at 3:09am on the 18th of October. Perfectly formed, he was 19 inches long, and weighed 6.68 pounds. He had long fingers and big feet like his mommy. Wavy dark hair, also like mine.

After delivering Lucas, my Doctor told me that his umbilical cord was shorter than normal, and somehow it had become severely twisted on itself. There were no knots, false or otherwise...just tight twists. My baby's blood supply was cut off by the very lifeline that had supported him for nine months.

My biggest regret is not having the emotional strength to hold my baby after he was born. I simply could not bring myself to do it. The nurses brought him into my room in a bassinet, dressed in his "first picture" outfit, and wrapped in a blanket. All I could do was sit on the bed and cry. I wouldn't let anyone else hold him. I felt that if I couldn't, I didn't want anyone else to be holding MY baby, either. Amidst the emotions I was going through, that irrational thought seemed to me a reasonable request. I will forever regret not holding Lucas, kissing him, touching his little fingers, and telling him how much his mommy loved him.

No parent should have to endure saying hello and goodbye to their baby in the same breath. Losing a child is the most difficult thing that any parent will ever live through. For days I wished that I had not lived through it. Slowly, with the support of my loving family, I have moved through that stage of grief. Every new day is difficult; I expect it to be so for many years. I thank the Lord for my family and their strength. Without them, I truly cannot say where I would be today.

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