I'll never forget when I first seen Maddy when she was a baby. She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever laid eyes on. The precious memories I have of her will stay tucked in my heart forever. Like the time I let her sleep with my flag blanket when she was just a baby. Jackie warned me that she would probably throw up on it.. yeah, she did. Lol. As Maddy grew and started to develop her own personality she and I became best friends. She liked picking on me., and of course I played along. She was a joy that was given to me from God. She liked helping me do things outside. she loved talking to me as much as I loved talking to her. I really do believe she looked up to me and I looked up to her. She was the most sweetest, kind, loving little person I got to know. She had a Big Heart. She was loved and always will be for now and forever. Her smile and bright eyes will always be in my memory of her. Yes, the memories I have of her will be tucked in my heart until we meet again. 

It's hard to believe it's been a year. I look at her pictures and it hurts as much now as it did a year ago. I can't breathe, my heart hurts and I can't stop the need to hold her just one more time. Everyone that knew her loved her. She was the most extraordinary person I have ever or will ever know. To know Maddy was to have been a part of something so much bigger than yourself. When Jeremy told me he was going to be a dad, I was ecstatic because I knew in my heart that child was going to be the better part of my life, and she was. She always will be. 

I know one day it won't hurt as bad. But for now and probably for a while to come, I will miss her, my heart will hurt and I will find it hard to breathe. I know she is happy and in a beautiful place. One as beautiful as she is.  

I could write a story about how amazing Maddy was, but it would take me years. Madeline was my first baby. She was brought into this world at a time where her mother and I were inseperable and therefore, she became a part of me her first day on earth. 
What I really want to talk about is how loved this child was, even if her time on earth was far too brief. From the moment she found out she was pregnant, Sarah was a mother, and a damn good one at that. Not only did she buy all of the books and do all of the research to prepare for the baby that was coming, but she changed her life to provide an amazing one to her child.
Sarah taught me so much about how to be an amazing mother. I learned little things like how to clip nails (it would take both of us most of the time to do it with Madeline), how important breast feeding was and why, how to make a bottle, and the absolute joy of a baby falling asleep on your shoulder. More importantly, I learned that even though we may not have everything together, even though we can be emotional wrecks and have our own issues, it doesn't mean that we can't be a wonderful and exceptional parent.
Sarah has been my person since I was 16 and we have seen each other transform throughout the years. I was proud of the way she took on motherhood and did it so well. I am also proud of the way she has carried on since last May. The way that she admits how absolutely devestating this is, but keeps going every day. The way she is keeping the beautiful memory of her daughter's life going every single day. 
Maddy was special and I know a big reason for that is because Sarah, my bff, is special. 

Three years ago when I met Maddy and Jonah, Sarah was needing someone to help watch them in the summer since school had just let out. I had free time so I offerred. We would hang out in the morning watching cartoons or going to parks, then I would take them and pick them up from afternoon summer program at school. More than several times they begged me to just keep them home all day so we could do more stuff together; craft projects, playgrounds and parks, movies, libraries, etc. Everywhere we went, we drove in my great big old car and we jammed to loud music.......heavy metal music to be exact. They loved the big padded back seat as I taught them to head bang and throw devil horned fingers. They got to where they requested certain songs or wanted one played over and over. In particular, Maddy liked the song "Du hast" by Rammstein from The Matrix movie soundtrack. She asked me to look up the lyrics since they are in German and she quickly started siging in German. One rainy day, we were stuck at the apartment, so we played videos on the TV. She asked how the musicians with long hair get their hair to spin around like she saw. I told her it was called "helicoptoring" and she both got it and laughed. Her hair was pretty long, and in a short while she had mastered the technique, feeling very proud of herself. She asked me to play "Du hast"; she had learned all she needed and was ready to put it in action. The video started, and they were off; Jonah head banging furiously while throwing devil horns at everything in the room. Maddy started a regular dance, then sang in German, until it was time to spin her hair. She "helecoptored" her blonde hair in rythm to the song and spun until she got so dizzy she would fall to the floor, laughing so hard she could hardly breath. Then get up and do it all over, over and over, until she ended the song in a giggle fit. 
She just HAD to learn about the movie, the band, being German, industrial heavy metal music, mosh pits, head banging, throwing deveil horns, and finally helicoptoring long hair until she was ready to do it herself. They both had such a great time and at the end of the video, all I could hear was them both laughing uncontrolably.
I miss her insatiable interest in things, any things, but mostly I miss that laugh, that unmistakeable "I'm about to pee my pants" giggling of hers. 
Du                          You
Du hast                  You have
Du hast mich          You have me

I don't know what happens to us when we die. I wish I could feel assured she is in a beautiful, joyous, heavenly place, but that is something I can never truly know with any certainty. Maybe it's a gift to not know--a gift I don't understand, but I suppose it's a possibility. Because I don't know and will never know, in this life at least, I make the choice to believe she lives on in another world. I imagine her exploring this new world and all the wonderful things it has to offer. I see her meeting the other, more experienced people from this world--my grandmother Hilda whom she never got to meet, my aunt Margaret whom she only knew for a short time but adored all the same, my cousin Sheila, my uncle Charles, and many, many more. One of the happiest things I can think of is her meeting my aunt Anna Mae, who died tragically when she was only 3 years old. I love to think of Maddy playing with her and taking care of her. That's assuming we stay the same age in the afterlife of course. Again, I don't know, so all I have to use is my imagination. So I imagine whatever brings me comfort. Some days it's easier to think like this than others. I treasure the moments when I can. This song is what I like to listen to when I imagine my sweet Madeline playing in heaven, riding on flying unicorns and eating ice cream all day long. But more importantly, getting to do anything and everything she ever wanted to do when she was here in this world but was unable. This new world has no limits and no fears, only endless opportunity.

It was 3 am when the phone rang. Who could that be at this hour? I picked up my phone and saw it was Jeremy. Fear ran through me. Something is wrong. You can't image the number of things that ran through my mind as I jumped out of bed to answer it fearing it was going to be bad.

I slid the lock, put the phone to my ear and said hello. Jeremy says, "What are you doing?". My fear releaved I responded, "It's 3 am Jeremy. What do you think I was doing?". He didn't hold back. He responded, "Sarah's pregnant. You're going to be a grandma."

The excitement within me couldn't be held back. I knew God was giving me the little girl I always wanted. I had faith that someday he would give a granddaughter and it was finally happening.

I met Jeremy and Sarah at Denny's some time later and told Sarah she was having a girl. I knew it in my heart it was my granddaughter she was carrying.

It was the longest 9 months of my life as I awaiting the arrival of God's gift. My life would be full for the rest of my life from this point on. She was the greatest gift I could have received. Jeremy and Sarah were wonderful, loving parents and I couldn't have asked for more than that. They gave Maddy the best of them and she returned it 10 fold to all those who loved her. She was never denied sharing the gift of herself and shared is exactly what she did.

It has taken me what seems like a long time to post this memory and as I do I am doing through tears of love and longing for my beautiful and precious Maddy. I miss her more than words can say and I always will. This world lost a true angel. She will forever live in our hearts and may the love she shared encourage us all as much as it blessed us.

I love you Maddy! Now and forever!

I remember the first time I met maddy. I was at her house for a week, and she really threw me for a loop! I couldn't believe how wise to the world she was for her age or honestly how spit the heck on her sarcasm was. It felt like you got the joy of hanging with a little kid, mixed with the comfort of someone who gets life and can appreciate things differently. She also had strong motherly instincts for her age towards her little brother. She was an amazing sister and had so much patience. Honestly just one rare kid.

This was during a particularly difficult time in our lives. We were in between housing, staying with my mom in her one bedroom apartment for about a week before we moved into our own apartment at Foxfire. Maddy was such a comfort and support for me during that time. She showed strength and incredible insight, even wisdom despite being only 8 years old. Another time she so very much saved me.