Not so sure how to express the way i feel about all of this.Just as i think that i am grieving and ok with you being in heaven  i get very discouraged and feel even sadder.Where do i begin to understand my own feeling and emotions much less your brothers and sister , i get angry when there are questions that they ask me and i do not know the anser to. So have a come to a realization that all they need is a simple answer they are too young to understand the depth of the answers that i am trying to give them.Lil man i miss you so very my i still have your binkis and blankets that i still have not washed, i keep them in a baggy because they still smell like you!! I just wanted to talk to you for a little while i know you are looking down on me and i know we will be ok i love you baby. Till next time good night<3

Well son i know you would be very proud of your big brother !!! His high school years are coming to an end and then he goes off to colledge i know you were watching over him last night you were'nt the in in the out field but the angel on the court i know you and Courtney were with him . I know he would have loved for you both to have been there it was great he played his lil heart out it was a great game now they are going to state how great is that. son i miss you so much but i know you are in a better place im learning how to deal with day to day situations and and i have now started school.I will work very hard and make sure i dedicate everything i do to you. I know that they say that the pain goes away but in not so sure i can believe that right now. I pray everynight to beable to be strong and to live a normal and happy life everday and it is getting better as long asa i keep myself busy. And believe you me your brothers and sisters keep me busy i know you know how much they miss you as weell as your daddy does. It's early in the morning and now time to get the lil  ones up for school i will visit again today this completes this chapter for the day I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well here is the next chapter in my life as my grieving process has just begun. There are no words to express my feelings but loneliness sadness and lost.I try to keep my head up and know that my heavenly father has my son now and he is in a better place. Dear god i am no longer mad at you just wish i could understand you and understand why you wanted my son i know i am not supposed to question the things that you do but lord please hold my had and walk with me show me how to live life in the way that you were meant for us to live it. I know my son is very safe with you and that gives me comfot now it is time for me to move on and make things right with you please take good care of my baby and let him know how much he is loved god i will do my best to follow in your footsteps but please dont give up on me walk with me and show me your way when it is my time to go i want to come home to you and be with my family!! now my life  starts to begin the grieving process................... i will return later and give my new chapter i love you too daddy and grandma and great grandma and uncle andy please wathch over my baby i will not let him  or any of you down..now moving on.

Krystyna keeps asking me to drive her to heavin so she can see her baby brother hard to explain to a three year old that you cant just drive to heavin.Mya and jada talk about you all the time they always talk about helping mommy and daddy feed you and change your diaper.Although brandon is only to he remembers his baby brother and will not let your binkie out of his sight krystyna and mya and jada love your baby blankets .they miss you so much and i promise mommy and daddy will always talk about you to the you will never leave our hearts or souls and minds give grandma papa and courtney hugs and kisses for us.nana talk about you all the time and kisses your ashes everynight and prays with you papa and grandndma everynight