A note I'll jot to say I was here,
A flower I'll lay for a memory so dear...

A candle I'll light to show me the way,
A tear I will shed for you did not stay.

A love I carry in a heart still so shattered.
My soul long buried for it no longer mattered. 

Life without you is an endless journey.
Life without you means constant yearning.

Always and forever my Mathew. Always and forever...

No birthday wishes,
Or birthday kisses.
A cake with no candles,
Unable to handle.
Gifts are unopened,
Hearts still broken.
May the Angels sing for you Mathew.
In our thoughts today,
In our hearts forever

I wish I could talk to you. And beg you not to go,
I wish that I had asked what you were going through
but now I will never know.
i wish we had some warning of what you would do that night,
And that you would have given us a chance to save you,
To help you make things right.
I wish you could have soldiered on and worked through your pain,
If you had, I promise you, you would have been happy once again...
I wish the last time I saw you, you didn't rush away,
I wish that I had hugged you and told you how much you were loved.
I wish I could bring you back, to see you one more time,
To hug you close, to see you smile
And then the world once more would be fine;
Mathew, loved, missed, today, tomorrow, forever

...and here we are. Ten long years. No new stories. No new memories. No new experiences. No new pictures. The laughter, the joy, the accomplishments...all gone. I still think of you constantly. Every joke, every incident, every pizza. You are always on my mind, in my thoughts. I love you. Always. Forever. Still.

I cannot believe it's been 10 years. Ten long years without you. How did we survive this? One will never know. Nothing has ever been the same. Nothing.

Oh Mathew...you were so missed. Dad and I renewed our vows and Ahmed stood with him. But it should have been you...Bella slipped her leash and ran around. Your Aunt Leann was talking to someone and didn't notice the ceremony had begun. Jack and Mary, Scott and Sue...people from Minot who first met you when you were still in my belly. Such an amazing weekend. Except for you... And then I ended up in the hospital and missed your birthday. It almost killed me. Your dad and I still think of you everyday. Our love is this huge thing we carry because it has nowhere to go. We miss you. Three simple words that carry so much. I'm growing older and getting sicker. Life is no longer a lark. It is a sentence with a period on the end. But that's okay. Every day is one step closer to you. Every day now...

The sun shines, the birds sing,
Life goes on Mathew, but for you Mathew, the world stood still,
You pop into my head, and I think of your smile and the world stands still.
Will we ever forget you or stop loving you Mathew, No, not now, not ever
And even as we still mourn your death, we will celebrate your birth...
Loved, missed, today tomorrow, for ever,

Good morning Mathew...another Christmas without you. It was nice. Fun even. But not the same. Never the same. Always the pain. That sharp pain constantly there. Why did you leave? The always question never answered. It would have worked out. Why couldn't you see that? It would have. Now all that is left is this endless love with nowhere to go. We try to fill the endless emptiness but so far completely unable. Dad loves you. So do I. And so it goes...

Dear Mathew...I can't stop. This totally sucks. You should be here. 

When did it happen? When did the words run out? The days come... your birthday, the day you left. I sit and stare at the screen but no words come. The sadness grows heavier day by day. Some days it is almost impossible to take a step it is so heavy. The exhaustion... no relief. Not ever. You are with me always... The signs are everywhere. It should comfort but it only reminds... a world without you. We try to take solace in the dolphins... the river... the ocean. But there is no relief. The sadness surrounds us. It engulfs us. Soon, there will be nothing left. The holidays are here now. The seasons change, but the empty chairs remain. No children, no grandchildren. The void grows. The darkness consumes. The love remains. A small flickering flame in the darkness. It survives. It burns on. Yet so fragile.  Why did you leave? Why? The question that will never be answered. This is bigger than you. This isn't about you. That's what she said.  But how can it not be about me? I am your mother. How can this be bigger than me? I don't understand. I will never understand. I only know the pain left behind. It is relentless. It is consuming. I love you. Always did. Always will. I love you. With all that I am. With all that I will ever be. I love you. Forever. 

It’s another year Mathew, how time flies…
We all love and miss you, not just today but every day,
You are never far from my thoughts,
And you are locked in my heart for eternity…
loved and missed, today, tomorrow and always.
xxxx

I know you stay close. I see your signs everywhere. But some days...

I miss you. I love you. 

Wishing you were here today for even just a while,
So I could say Happy Birthday and see your loving smile,
The only gifts today will be your sweet memories left behind,
Of laughter, joy and happiness that echo on, in my mind.
I'll gaze upon pictures,
I'll think of you with love,
And hope you're doing fine
In Heaven up above.
May Angels hold you closely
and sing a happy song
And I'll be sending wishes
today and all year long...
Mathew, you are loved and missed every single day,
Wish you were here on this your Special Day. xxxx

NOT GUILTY! Thank you Mathew...all day you sent signs, over and over. You answered my prayers. I love you. I will always love you!!! 

So now you know. Zoe. You always said you were going to get a female. She's beautiful. But a mess. Those people did a real number on her and Bella. Bella is stronger I think. But Zoe is like you. She carries all the hurt deep inside. 

God I miss you. There are no words. Its just that constant ache. Always there. I know you want me to stop grieving. I know you want me to be happy but you under estimated how deep a mother's love is. It can't be done. It simply can't.

So I just keep going. One foot in front of the other. Perpetual sadness. 

I love you. Still. Always. Forever. 

Hello Mat... Well, what do I write? John is now with you. Why does this feel so full circle? How you loved him. All those memories...all those Thanksgivings, Christmases, everyday really. He played such a role in your life. Somehow it seems appropriate that he joined you now, this time of year. 

The sadness is back. The grief...but it is gentler now...just my constant companion. 

I love you...now and forever. Waiting till I can join you. 

It's that day again, it comes and goes every year,
At this precise time it's 7 years, 3 weeks 6 days, 14 hours and 30 minutes since you passed,
Depending on a day, a memory, a song, a smell, even a car will trigger you back to time passed
And your passing will seem as though it happened yesterday......
Wish I could agree and say time heals
Wish I could agree and say it gets easier
but MATHEW, you are still missed, still loved
today, tomorrow, forever.......

My Mathew... Eight long years yet it feels like yesterday. The sadness, ever present. The grief, always there. I miss you. All that will never be. All is gone...but the love remains. 

Isn't it funny how special people don't realIze they're special at all
They're thoughtful without even thinking about it
They're always right there when you call
They share, not expecting a thing in return
Yet always seem richer for giving
You're one of those special people Mathew
You hold a special place in my heart
You are loved and missed so much

My Mathew...the hour approaches of your birthday. You would have been 33. You and Tash would have been married. Maybe a baby...who knows. All I can do is speculate...and wonder. 

The pain is forever. But so is our gratitude. That you were a part of our lives. All the joy...the memories.

I think of Tash often. I hope she is in a good place. I hope she finds her way to peace and prosperity. 

And always, always, my great love for you. Never wavering...i love you. Happy birthday my amazing son. 

I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe
There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then
God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Miss you so much. Even now...

It is the 31st. Halloween. Used to be our favorite holiday. I wanted to post yesterday. But I couldn't. No words. Never any words anymore. The sheriffs came.  Three of them. They wanted to talk about you. They wanted to remember. They wanted to tell me that even now, this many years later, that they still remembered. It hurt. It hurt so much.

I'm selling the bar. I can't keep it anymore. It will kill me if I do. The mass in my abdomen is huge. The surgery will take what little strength I have left. If it were just me, I would not even do it. I would let it take me. But there is your dad. Always your dad. I have to stay for him. So there you have it. The bar is amazing. Always has been. People love it. I love it. But I was supposed to be a grandmother. Not a bar owner. Now the time has come to let go. So we will.

I love that you stay so close. I love the signs. But I hate them also. Constant reminder that you are gone. Not that I need one. 

I love you Mathew. Always and forever. I cannot help it. Life without you is unbearable. Dad and I go through the motions but there is no joy. No hope. No happiness. We are best when we are alone together with our animals. 

My Mathew... always my Mathew. Your mom. Never forgotten.

Always remembered with love. Your smile lit up the room. Your laugh made everyone laugh with you. Mat, you are in our hearts and our prayers. Always missed. 

I still remember as if it were yesterday talking to Mat. Time goes on but the memory never does. I hope paradise is treating you well Mat and I look forward to hanging out again one day <3

The time passes Mathew, but the pain remains
You are loved and missed today more than yesterday
But..... not as much as tomorrow...
xxxx

So not sure I understand your birthday this year. It was really nice having everyone share a margarita at midnight in your honor. But I really didn't understand the dolphin attack the next day. I still can't believe you weren't here sharing our world. It seems like yesterday and forever all at the same time. They put me back in therapy, but I guess you know that. When I hear myself say out loud everything your dad and I are going through it even blows my mind. I don't know how we've held up under so much for so long but it's like we always say, nobody gave us a choice. And it totally blows... I would give anything to go back in time and do those last hours over. Maybe this time I would have gotten it right. Maybe this time I would have saved you. That's what mothers are supposed to do. I totally failed and I'm so sorry. So sorry I let you down. Your dad and I love you Mathew. Always ...

We send a dove to heaven, with a parcel on his wings
Be careful when you open, it's full of beautiful things
Inside a million kisses, wrapped up in a million hugs
To say how much we miss you and sending all our love
We hold you close within our hearts, and there you will remain
To walk with us throughout our life
Until we meet again.
Loved and missed Mathew xxxx

Oh hey Mat. I forgot. One more thing if you can swing it. Your dad needs help. He's struggling so... If there's anything you can do, please.

Dear Mathew,
So things are bad huh? I share but I know you can see it. I don't know how to fix this. I'm so tired of worrying about everyone all the time. So much responsibility. I'm so tired. I love you. I always did.

Court today. If you can work magic, then do it today. I love you.

Hello Mathew... you've been busy lately. I see you everywhere. So does Dad.
I want to tell you I'm sorry. I say that a lot don't I? But I am. For so much. I have a laundry list of regrets. But I've wanted to tell you for long time that I'm sorry for ruining the one gift you left me.
You left me a friend. Someone who loved you as much as I love you. You knew she would take care of me didn't you? Knew she would stand by me. Knew she would set her own feelings aside and focus on mine. 
But I screwed it up. Like so many things, I screwed it up. But I will be forever grateful to her. To you. I stay away because I don't want to be the cause of more disappointment. I stay away so I don't remind. 
But not one day goes by that I don't miss her. Not one day. I think of her all the time. I hope that she is well. I hope that she is arriving.
I wish I could show her 87. See what I built. See how 87 is all you. Your presence everywhere. How people who are struggling find their way to 87's doors. How they stay because the vibe is so good and there is always someone who will be there listening. It's a good place Mathew. 
But then you know that.
I love you. Always ❤️

There is a special place within my heart
That is with me every day
A place where all my memories
Are softly tucked away.
And now that once again
Christmastime has
come around
It is where the sweetest memories
And thoughts of you are found....
Mathew you are so missed, each and every day......
Xxxxxxxx

Dear Mathew~ I sit here staring at the screen trying to decide what to write because words have become such a struggle. There aren't any left. The few that are all the same ones. Missing, missing, missing... wishing that everything was different. Wondering what would have, could have, should have been. Same old same old. I know you were with us on your day. The dolphins and kingfisher first thing in the morning. The signs all day. I'm sorry we kept crying. We just can't get past losing you. We shared a few stories, but not many. We don't anymore. We drank the whole bottle of Milagro like we always do. Those who remain close drank with us. I was a horrible crank when I wasn't crying. It was even harder this year now that Jack is gone. It seems like only your dad and I are left. Chris is no more. I think maybe one more year in the restaurant then we will let it go. Try to do something different. I don't know. We still flounder. Still try to figure things out. But there are no answers. Only the days that continue to come ... continue to be empty and hollow. Life goes on. The world goes on. We watch. We don't go with it. I still think about you every minute of every day. I don't think that will ever change. But then maybe I don't want it to. I don't know. My still go to answer. I don't know or I can't decide. The one thing that remains the same, remains eternal is how much I love you. Always...

October. Worst month of the year. If there can be such a thing. I miss you so much. So does Dad.

Dear Mathew ~ Feels like forever since I wrote you. But then I feel like you know everything and there is nothing to write. My whole world has become 87 Main. I don't know anything else anymore. I'm there so much. So is Dad. So are you. 
People love the place. They always talk about the vibe. They don't know the vibe is you. Always you. Very rarely will I tell them. For a variety of reasons which I'm not sure I even understand, I don't tell them. I simply let them enjoy being there; feeling the positive energy which is you.
I love you. Always.

In our thoughts Mathew on this your birthday.  Just happy memories of days gone by.... 
Your life was a blessing
Your memory
A treasure
You are loved beyond words
Missed beyond measure
xxxx

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Mathew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "don't you cry when you're down"
But Mat, there's a tear every time that I blink
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my Mat
When you fell down I'd be there holding you up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
I fluffed the pillows, made the bed, stacked the chairs up
Folded your clothes neatly in a case
Greg says… he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my Mat
When you fell down I'd be there holding you up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my Mat
I got to see the person that you had become
Spread your wing
And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home

Dear Mathew…
Tonight I was driving to the doctor, first time I have voluntarily found a doctor let alone follow through in years. But I did it and as I was rushing there, late as usual, the song “Perfect” started to play. I like that song. I like the words. But as he got to the part about “being between my arms” I got a crystal clear vision. It was you and Tash and you were at your wedding. This song was playing and it was your special dance. You were so handsome in your suit. But I hardly noticed that. All I could see was you smiling down at her with that open adoration in your eyes that you always had when you looked at her.

Tash was exquisite in a long sleeve, beautifully laced, white gown. Her hair had beautiful French braids down the side into a gorgeous chignon in the back. She was looking up at you and the love on her face was overwhelming. You spoke to her, she laughed and shook her head. You continued to dance.

As the vision played out the most overwhelming sadness hit me because I realized, again, that this was a vision of all that was lost. This beautiful moment that should have been, will never be. Never. And I think that was, is, will always be why I cannot ever be me again. Why the happiness that I always sought as a child, finally found with this family, cruelly left with you. 

And there you have it. I didn’t just bury you. I buried me too. I went with you. As much of me possibly could and as far as the universe would allow it, I went with you. Everything in me that was good, hopeful, driven, lovable… went with you.

There is only a shell left. A shell with memories of what was… what should have been… and what will now never be.

I think of Tash all the time. I hope she is okay. I hope that she has reclaimed her life. That she has found a way to push forward, to find her footing, to take back her joy. I hope she knows that I will always be here for her and that I would do anything if she ever needed it.

…and so it goes. I love you. Always…

I think of you every day, Mathew. I think of you every time I see a police officer too. You are missed by everyone that knew you and loved you. I keep your parents and you and your family in my prayers every day. There are no words. But there is love.

I'm forever sorry Mathew. You deserved more than I was ever capable of giving. You deserved so much and I fell so short. How can that be when I tried so hard? Yet it is what it is... I do not know what I'm doing anymore. Each day is more empty than the last... five long years.

Well he did it. Made it all the way to the academy. The path you began with him so long ago. I know this is what you wanted. Yesterday in your honor, your memory, we paid his expenses. Uniforms, books, everything he needed. He wanted to pay us back but we know you would have wanted us to do this. He thinks its a lot of money but it is nothing. Not to us. Your memory, knowing you were a huge part of this life, this dream, that is what matters, what counts. Not the money. If you were here, you would have done it. I wish you were here. Wish you were still with him. I know you will guide him as you always have. Watch over him Mathew. Keep him safe. I love you. Yesterday was hard. I missed you more than usual. The bar is still a screaming success. Not because of me. Because of you. It is your bar. Last night there were so many orbs in the bar. Flying with the music. You could see them. They were beautiful...I want to believe you were one of them.

Well I've tried everything. A slew of doctors for my health. Built a restaurant/bar for the empty void. Exchange students for the quiet in the house. Met more people than I can even remember. None of it works. I miss you. I will always miss you. It drives everything. There is no relief, no escape. I will love you forever so I will miss you forever and nothing will lift this fog. Almost five years and I realize this now. Nothing. It is so damn permanent. I wish you were here. That's all. Just you.

I think of you every day. Some of my favorite memories of you are about how much you loved your family's animals. You loved all your Scotties, the ferrets, the fish, the frogs (Bella and Herman!), Paco and Kane. Your mom and dad have so many stories of you and your funny and loving antics with the many pets over the years. Cherished memories. In honor of your 30th birthday in heaven, I wanted to do something to help animals, so it was done tonight. It took me a few days to look up information to make sure it would go to the right organization since I wanted to make sure that they would help animals in a way that you would want to help them. Hugs to you, Mat. You are missed and are forever in our hearts, thoughts and prayers.

Dear Mathew...look at the date. So late I am. But not really...I tried on the 30th, again on the 2nd. So much to say but no words come to mind. I want to believe you know. Know that every day I still fight...fight to get through, get by, get over...

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm fighting ...

I love you, always.

Took the kids to the zoo today. Saw the flamingos. I remember how much you liked those marching flamingos in Nassau. I would say it made me think of you but I never not think of you so that wouldn't be quite right. I know I shouldn't ask this of you, but could you send me one of your messages? It would really help. I love you. Always. Still.

Hey Sweetie... still MISSING you, forever and ever. I know you are with me, with us. We all see your numbers, hear the songs you send us. I think its neat the way the others see you and they never met you. They talk about you, share you... Still the sadness remains. I make your margarita, people love it. Makes me feel a little closer to you. But in spite of the success, I still remain sad. The feeling never leaves, always right there below the surface. Kane goes with me more and more now that he is designated a service dog. He loves the Main. I wonder if he knows it exists because of you? I wonder what he knows. He has been so lonely since Grant died. We both miss that little dog like crazy. Its amazing how much we loved him. Brought everything back, saying goodbye to him. I hope that Grant is with you, that you are taking care of him. I'm glad he is no longer in pain but selfishly, I wish he was still here. But I wish you were still here. More than you realize. Or maybe you do. Maybe you know everything from where you are. I still try to reach your brother but that goes nowhere. I don't know how he is, if he is still okay. But so it goes... I love you Mathew. Always. I miss you. Always, I hung your patch in the bar. I look at it over and over everyday and think of you. I think you would have liked this place. But it probably would not have existed if you were still here. I was meant to be a mother, a grandmother. I was never meant to own a bar. This is someone else's life, not mine. But I live it. Reluctantly, I live it. What else can I do? I love you...

Dear Mathew...another Christmas has come and gone without you. They get lonelier and lonelier each year. And always my thoughts are on you. I was wrapping presents this year when I remembered how you would wrap your dad's present. So much layer of tape and glue it was ridiculous. And then watching your dad get frustrated as he tried to open them and you would just laugh. That crazy laugh that always made me smile. The memories come gentle to me now, not like before when they were so painful. But they are so amazingly sad that carrying them has become so hard because it feels like I'm carrying a million pounds. I love you. And I remain so very sorry that you didn't get a better mother. You deserved a better mother. I hate this life.

Danksagung. Ein anderer ohne dich. Noch so leer. Die Welt ist leer. Vier Jahre und nichts hat sich geändert. Ich kann immer noch nicht atmen. Ich weine noch jeden Tag. Ich warte immer noch aufzuwachen. Das ist mein einziger Wunsch, aufzuwachen. Ich liebe dich. Kann nicht helfen, dass ein Teil. Aber ich tue.

Today I found your horn. The one from the game so long ago. You, Ben, the team, the metro. Stealing poster ads from the train walls. That guy who was so angry... we were right there, remember? We were always right there. We are right there now.

Four years ago at 6:18 pm the whole world stopped spinning. It has never started back up.

I am, and always will be, your mom. With all which this means.

Thinking of you today, Mat. I carry your memorial card in my wallet. I have another one on our frig along with the memorial cards for my brother and grandmother. The memorial cards are there as a tradition for those we love, but are not needed to remember good times shared together with our families. Those memories are etched in my heart. I think of you every day. You are missed. You are loved. God bless.