Mitra Junam,

Here we are a full year since you have left us-and I still can't believe it...

As I relive the last Tuesday that I spent with you I really think that you knew... Mimi Junam, I think I was just trying to protect myself from the biggest blow of my life- On Wednesday I was still in denial, I had not given up on you and I still thought that you would come back and recover just like all those other times. But soon my denial turned into total numbness with that everlasting image of your last breath in my arms. 

Mimi Jun, I want to replace all these images with the many good memories I have with you. Mimi, You were so radiant and so full of life, with such elegance, style, and grace. You were talented in so many ways. You were such a capable and successful businesswoman, and an exceptional homemaker. Oh, what a wonderful and loving wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, and sister. 

Mimi Jun, I want to hold on to the belief that you are in a " better place", wherever that place may be. As long as you are pain-free and at peace I will accept this void in my life, until we meet again. 

Mimi Junam, azizeh delam, khahareh azizam - So for now - and for all that was left unsaid; goodbye my love, goodbye.

I will always and forever "remember you".

Rhouhat shadd azizam.

"Your Body is away from me

But there is a window from my heart to yours.

From this window, like the moon

I keep sending news secretly."

Molana Rumi

You are always with me...

Mimi junam, Even-though I carry you with me at all times,for some stupid reason I feel that you may hear me better here,maybe because I feel that this site is all I have left of you...Mimi junam,I just can't seem to get past the pain you went through these past couple of years...I say these past couple of years, because for some reason the first time around -at least, gave you several good years and for some selfish reason made the pain you went through worthwhile.But, what I am struggling with is more of what you went through these past couple of years. I just can't get these images out of my stupid head and I can't seem to get past all that you went through and all that I witnessed...the memory of your eyes is killing me...what were you thinking ? What were you going through?Mimi jun,I need you to help me understand...Was it all worthwhile to you? Am I just being selfish for being happy for your freedom now?Please somehow let me know...I love and miss you so much!!!!

Mimi junam, As I was having breakfast with mamani and papa this morning,I was just thinking of the good old days and remembering how you used to just drop by at mamni and papa's house,(whether they needed you or not)you would attend to their needs in your own way.I remember if they had company you always showed up,even-though you had your own immediate family to take care of ,and you would just whip up in no time a meal fit for a king,set them up for their evening and then leave.Mimi junam, azizeh delam, these were the least important of your many talents...You were such a well-rounded individual,talented,capable,eloquent,
charming,loving, cheerful, positive,attentive,and to top it all- beautiful person inside and out.I wonder if you ever knew- How you illuminated a room just by your presence and charisma.I remember when mamani was in the hospital some years ago,I stayed with her during the night,and in the morning you came to visit her and I swear I still remember your beautiful face as if it were yesterday.You walked in all beautifully dressed,with the best beautiful cheerful smile and I swear I still remember how it just brightened up my day and I forgot the horrible night mamani and I had--just like that.But, then you never knew how much I depended on you...mimi junam, I wish I had told you so many things.......now--
I can only say-- WHAT A WASTE... WHAT A LOSS...........................................

Mimi junam, I was listening to deliah on the radio sunday night and this 22 year old girl called and was telling delilah about her mom and her illness and how she wanted to let her mom know how much she loves her, and that how much she just wants to be there for her...And then deliah played this song for them, "I'll stand by you" and won't let anybody hurt you...Mimi junam as much as I like to think that I stood by you,and as much as I was tormented and hurt by every cut, and tube ...I wasn't the one that was being violated and intruded upon.I just stood there as they tortured you..I will never forget the look on your face...your eyes...and can't ever imagine what you were going through physcially or mentally...mimi I want a second chance...No one should ever go through what you went through these past couple of years.I just don't understand why... I see people suffer everyday and my heart goes out to them. Why doesn't he just take them ,instead of just letting them suffer... But, you were my sister...Mimi junam please, please forgive me if I missed or overlooked anything that you may have needed from me...There are days that I just absolutely hate god(if there is one) and everyone and everything around me.I love you so much. If nothing else, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR FREEDOM... 

Mitra Joonam:
It is ironic that the sixth month remembrance of your passing coincides with the first day of "Norouz", the beginning of persian new year that you loved and enjoyed so much. The excitement that you generated was noticable by everyone. Images of your "haftseen" table that was so beautifully decorated and arranged, will be forever engraved in our memories. I am certain that everyone, especially Sara and Sonia Joon, will keep your legacy alive and will pass it on from one generation to another.

Mitra Joon, for the past couple of years, as my new year's resolution and out of desperation and helplessness, I wa asking for a "miracle" to have you around with us for at least several more years. Unfortunately, as you belived and repeated so many times, your "pre-determined destiny" did not allow this miracle to happen.

Mitra Joon, with you around every day was "Norouz" (new day). Without you, days, weeks and months come and go and I just have to live with our wonderful memories as long as I am alive.

As I have said it repeatedly, you are forever loved and missed by YOUR HOUSHANG.

Mimi junam, I have these images that I just can't get out of my head...I struggle with them, but at the end of the day,since I don't see you in agony anymore...since I really cannot accept all that has happened...I just think and feel you have just gone away for awhile. I feel guilty at times because I try so hard to push you away and not think of anything, just to hold on to my sanity.I just hope that you can feel,see and understand why.Mimi junam,I miss not being able to talk to you everyday and to see your beautiful face,your sweet smile ...But you are in my heart always and forever...I love and miss you so much!

Mitra Joonam,

Your birthday, our anniversary is still a celebration for me
These dates confirm that there was you & that we were we
But on valentine's day I grieve all alone
Not that I'm not getting flowers or cologne
I miss more that anything the things taken for granted
A love so sweet, it seemed almost enchanted
Memories of Valentine's Days past in my heart
Of times when we belived that we'd NEVER PART.
So, now as I sit all alone and reminisce I find that
I am so grateful for all that I miss
For few EVER have the kind of love that we shared
A love like ours cannot be compared
I cherish each moment, each memory we made
Memories of a love that will never fade
We had quite a life together you and me
We had [3] great kids a wonderful family
My heart remains full till we meet again
And I'll not dwell on what might have been
I'll pick up my chin and smile as I say
  I'll always love you [AZIZAM], Happy Valentine's Day  

                                                                      (by Clark)

"IF ROSES GROW IN HEAVEN,

LORD PLEASE PICK A BUNCH FOR ME

PLACE THEM IN MY SISTER'S ARMS

AND TELL HER THEY'RE FROM ME

TELL HER I LOVE HER AND MISS HER

AND WHEN SHE TURNS TO SMILE

PLACE A KISS UPON HER CHEEK

AND HOLD HER FOR A WHILE

BECAUSE REMEMBERING HER IS EASY,

I DO IT EVERYDAY

BUT THERE'S AN ACHE WITHIN MY HEART

BECAUSE I AM MISSING HER TODAY..."

Mitra junam, I wish I could hold you myself,kiss you and tell you how much I love  and miss you...I regret so much for not trying to wake you up that last day that I was with you, for maybe I would've seen your beautiful eyes and would've heard your say "ary joon" for the last time.I guess I just have to live with my regrets...Mitra junam, azizeh delam, you have touched so many lives and have made such a difference with your short existence on earth, that it would be an injustice to you not to celebrate your Birthday today with all the beautiful memories that you have left us. Mimi junam, wherever you are, I hope and pray you are at peace.You will for always be in my heart.   HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Mitra Joonam, we are approaching three month separation from each other. I don't even know why I am counting days, weeks and months. But, subconsciously, I am still hoping that this is just a long vacation, for the first time without me, and soon it will be over. Then I realize that this is just a false hope and wishful thinking on my part.

Mitra Joonam, together we went through lots of adversities in our mutual life. But, those days I had you to calm me down, and with your love and logical solutions, we resolved the difficulties we faced, no matter how complicated they were.

Mitra Joonam, I never forget, as long as I live, how you comforted me when I lost my father (Pedar) and told me that you loved and respected him just like OUR Papa joon.

I never forget the beautiful memorial service that you arranged for him, even though you had an operation less than a month prior to his passing.

I never forget that in one of your emails you said that it was your wish that one day we could visit Pedar's grave site together.

Mitra Joonam, I always felt indebted to you for organizing a beautiful engagement party for Fariba Joon and Kamran Joon while you were pregnant, carrying our Bobby.

There are countless and countless of memories like these that I would cherrish forever.

Now, by far, the most difficult period of my life, I do not have you by my side to justify this injustice for me. I can hear you telling me "Houshang joon, try to accept the things that you do not have any control over." You, as always, are correct. But your loss has been so devastating for me that hearing your kind and lovely words would not ease my pain.

Mitra Joon, now, all I am able to do is to try to celebrate your life and live with our unforgetable memories as long as I am alive.

YOU ARE FOREVER LOVED AND MISSED BY YOUR  HOUSHNAG.   

Mimi Joonam- I saw these four agreements of life  in the Rahe-E Zendegi ,seems so much about you and how you lived your life-   Be impeccable with your words.Speak with integrity.Say only what you mean.Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.Use the power of your word in the direction of the truth and love.Nothing others do is because of you.What others say or do is a projection of their own dream.When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.Don't make assumptions , Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life,Always do the best, Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.  Don Miguel Ruiz 

Mitra joonam, you and I have been separated from each other for two long months not by choice, but by unjustifiable force beyond our control. You called and accepted this injustice as your destiny. I always thought that your destiny became our destiny some 45 years ago when I fell inlove with your unquestionable beauty. But, I was wrong again. you are gone and I am still here with broken heart and unknown future. Mitra Joonam, a lot has been said and written about you in the past two months. But Nobody knew you as much as I did. I spent almost half a century of my life with you, and how wonderful and enjoyable it was. You, for me, were a perfect, perfect wife, partner and companion. You were a perfect mother and a great role model for our three children, Haleh, Avid and Bobby. We are all continuing our lives, unfortunately without you, on a sound foundation that you, alone, structured for all of us. Mitra joonam you were not only loved and adored by your family members, you were loved and respected by others. Here to prove my point, I post the emails that your Doctors, Nathan and Ahmad, wrote about you in response to Avid's and my email. I love you and miss you very much.

Avid's email:

 Dr. Nathan,   I have been trying to write this email since my mom's passing, but I haven't been able to do it. Words cannot adequately express my appreciation for all that you and your staff have done for my mom over the last 10+ years. When my mom was diagnosed with pulmonay fibrosis, my brother, sister and I had to face the fact that our time with our mom was limited. As we watched the disease progress, we started to resign ourselves to losing our mother sooner that we could have ever imagined possible.

The next thing we know you and your team are there offering the hope of a second chance, and although the prospect of a lung transplant terrified all of us including mom, we all knew it was the best and only option. Then in July of 2001 a true miracle happened, mom received her first lung transplant. She was back! She was active and better than we could have imagined. The transplant allowed her to dance at my wedding, and be the daycare provider for her first granddaughter, my daughter Sara.

Nine years later my mom was back were she was pre-transplant. Her second gransdaughter had just been born, and there was a real chance that she would never get to know her. Once again you and your team delivered a miracle. This second transplant allowed my second daughter Sonia to know who her "Mimi" was. It also allowed my mom the chance to see another one of her children, my sister Haleh, get married.

Dr. Nathan, I want you to know that my mom fought hard to make you and your team proud, and to make sure that you knew this gift was not wasted on her. She fought so hard every day to make sure that those around her did not feel that she was a burden. She fought hard to make you and your staff proud as well as my dad and my siblings. I know that as a doctor you are supposed to have a certain amount of distance from your patients. My mom never felt that distance from you. She knew that you and the team were beside her every step of the way. I will always be grateful for all the time and memories that you provided me and my family. Words will never convey the gratitude that I feel.

Thank you again for everything.      Avid Miller

Dr. Nathan's Response:

Hi Avid, thank you kindly for your note. Your Mom was one of my favorite patients. I know she tried very hard and bore her illness with such great dignity and pride that she endeared herself to everyone. I hope she knew that I was proud of her, although I am not sure I ever expressed this. The fact that she was able to enjoy her family and see her family grow, underscores the fact that her both her transplants were great successes. I truly appreciate your note, since sometimes we feel that we have failed our patients in that we couldn't do more. I hope you don't mine me sharing your kind words with the rest of our team. I know they will all appreciate it. My best wishes to you and your family, you were all such great support all the way through for your Mom.

With warm regards,    Steve Nathan

My email to Dr. Ahmad

Dear Dr. Ahmad,   I stopped by at the clinic couple of times, since Mitra's passing, to meet with you and personally thank you for all you did for Mitra. But, unfortunately I could not control my emotions to face you. Your professional care for Mitra, your support for me and my children and your kind words and optimistic attitudes gave us all hope during the first couple of months after Mitra's second transplant. I remember during the most difficult times you kept assuring us that "Mitra will be fine." All of us especially my older daughter, listened carefully to every word you said after visiting Mitra every morning. One time you said Mitra will be fine "Inshallah". My daughter interpreted that as you were losing hope. Then you and I had to explain to her what exactly that meant. this closeness to us was way beyond anybody's expectations. And, for this we all are, forever, thankful to you. Mitra respected you very much also. In the last few months of her life that she was not able to get around without a wheel chair, she always asked me to help her walk to the clinic because she said Dr. Ahmad does not want to see me on the wheel chair.

Dr. Ahmad we are all doing O.K. considering this huge loss. But as all of us believe Mitra must be in a much better place and not suffering anymore. It will take much longer for us to accept this loss because you know how close we were to Mitra.

Again my sincere gratitude to you for everything that you did for Mitra and us during the past several years.     Houshang Safaipour

Dr. Ahmad's response:

Dear Houshang,  Thank you for your kind words. I will remain grateful to Mitra and your entire family for always trusting us fully, in the most difficult circumstances. I rember her second transplant well, she critically ill with primary graft dysfunction, and we had to use surfactant - for the first time. I then had to leave for Umarah, but Mitra was in my thoughts and prayers the whole time. Health and recovery ultimately comes from God; physicians are just a means for it, and we find it very humbling when patients give their full confidence and trust.

We will always remember Mitra fondly, for many things and especially for utilizing and caring for this gift of life in the best possible manner.I pray that may God grant you and your family the patience and strength to bear this loss.

With sincere regards,    Shahzad Ahmad

MIMI JUNAM, I SPOKE WITH AUNTIE FAKHARI AND ZOHREH TODAY.IT REMINDED ME OF THE TIMES WE USED TO  CALL THEM WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER.MITRA JUNAM,YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS THOSE DAYS,HOW MUCH I MISS YOU AND MISS BEING WITH YOU...MIMI, WHEN ZARI HAD THAT TRAGIC ACCIDENT WHICH TOOK HER LIFE, I REMEMBER I USED TO THINK HOW EID WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME FOR THEM.I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WOULD EXPERIENCE THEIR PAIN FIRST HAND SO SOON...MITRA JUNAM,NOTHING, NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME FOR ME, WITHOUT YOU...NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW ,NOBODY CAN EVER EVEN IMAGINE, HOW BIG OF A LOSS YOUR PASSING HAS BEEN FOR ME, AND OUR FAMILY.I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO MAMANI TODAY, AND SOME OF HER EXPRESSIONS REMINDED ME SO MUCH OF YOU.I WANTED YOU TO BE HERE SO BAD IT HURTS...WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY,I SAY ALL THESE THINGS TO YOU AND FOR THE LIFE OF ME I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE MUCH LESS ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER WITH US... LOVE YOU

MITRA JUNAM, FOR SO MANY YEARS YOU PULLED US TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.JUST LIKE MAMANI DID FOR AS LONG AS SHE COULD,JUST LIKE FOROOZ TRIED FOR THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS.I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE WERE ALL GATHERED AS A FAMILY AT MAMANI'S.FOROOZ INVITED EVERYBODY FOR BREAKFAST THAT DAY.IT WAS WONDERFUL,YOU WALKED IN THAT DAY AND I FELT AS IF THEY HAD GIVEN ME THE WHOLE WORLD.YOU LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL DESPITE ALL OF WHAT YOU,AND YOUR POOR BODY HAD GONE THROUGH...MIMI JUNAM,YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND ANYMORE...YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD YOURSELF TOGETHER FOR US ANYMORE...YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE YOUR PAIN,AGONY AND DISCOMFORT FOR OUR BENEFIT ANYMORE...AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS ,I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.MIMI JUNAM, YOU ARE FINALLY "FREE".I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH.

MITRA JUNAM,KHAHAREH AZIZAM, THE PAST 10+ YEARS OF OUR BITTER/SWEET JOURNEY ENDED ON SEPTEMBER 21ST.A  PART OF ME DIED WITH YOU THAT NIGHT...   AFTER YOUR 1ST TRANSPLANT,YOUR PAIN,AGONY,COURAGE AND HARD-WORK PAID OFF.WE ALL WERE SO THANKFUL..THEN AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT ,YOU STARTED STRUGGLING AGAIN.BUT, YOU CONTINUED TO BE STRONG,COURAGEOUS AND POSITIVE.MITRA JUNAM YOUR SMILE,YOUR STRENGTH,YOUR POSITIVE ATTITUDE KEPT ME GOING.UNTIL, THAT RUDE AWAKENING, AFTER YOUR CLINIC DAY IN JULY.FREYDUN CALLED ME THAT DAY AND TOLD ME "ARY,YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR HOUSHANG AND THE KIDS".MY INITIAL RESPONSE WAS ,WHO WAS GOING TO BE STRONG FOR ME?    .THEN I FELT HIS PAIN  AND HOW HE WOULD GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH,AND WOULD LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED FOR YOU.I FELT FOROOZ'S PAIN AND HOW HARD SHE TRIED AND PUSHED YOU SO HARD.( AND, THEN WOULD FEEL SO GUILTY).I FELT MAMANI AND PAPA'S PAIN.I FELT HOUSHANG'S PAIN AND HOW HARD HE FOUGHT.I FELT HALEH,AVID AND BOBBY'S PAIN.I FELT VERY SELFISH THAT DAY.BUT,MIMI JUNAM,HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT... MITRA JUNAM FOR SOME REASON -YOU,FOROOZ AND FRED HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME. I FEEL VERY FORTUNATE AND AT THE SAME TIME CAN'T HELP THINKING HOW OUR LINK HAS BEEN BROKEN...ANYWAY,AZIZAM I WILL TRY VERY HARD TO BE THERE FOR EVERYBODY THAT YOU LOVED AND LEFT BEHIND,JUST LIKE YOU WOULD'VE FOR ME.I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH...

MITRA JUNAM, I REMEMBER SEVERAL MONTHS AGO I CALLED YOU IN DESPERATION TO FIND SOMEBODY FOR MAMANI AND PAPA.YOU CALLED ME BACK WITHIN 10 MINUTES AND YET AGAIN CAME THROUGH FOR ME.YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I DEPENDED ON YOU AND HOW MUCH I VALUED YOU. YOU ALWAYS HAD MY BACK...YOU KEPT ON MENTIONING HOW SORRY YOU WERE THAT YOU COULDN'T HELP ME WITH MAMANI AND PAPA AND I USED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU HAD DONE SO MUCH FOR THEM FOR SO LONG, THROUGHOUT YOUR LIFE AND, THAT IT WAS MY TURN TO DO SOMETHING.WHILE IN MY HEART, I KNEW THAT IF YOU COULD--HOW ELOQUENTLY AND EFFORTLESSLY YOU WOULD HAVE MANAGED THEIR LIFE AND HOW MUCH BETTER OFF THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN , IF YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF THEM INSTEAD OF ME. I HOPE YOU KNEW WHAT YOU MEANT TO ME AND HOW MUCH I ADORED YOU...