Mom, today Jordan is better. He is excited about a memory board he’s making that involves all those you’ve come to know and love through Jordan’s stories and my discussions with you about our friends. I will get around to thanking those as you’ve asked when I feel more emotionally stable. I miss you and it hurts to read your writings, poems, songs, cards and last wishes. I just need more time. I want to thank you for the support in my dreams. I feel you so close sometimes. I keep praising G-d no matter what because I know He has a plan. I don’t understand it and know I bring a lot of the uncertainty in my life by not listening to His instruction. Why I like taking those long walks in the desert is beyond my comprehension. I’m sorry I put you through my heartache. If I had acted when it was on my heart to do so we would have had time for more wonderful memories instead of my grieving and you grieving my grief. What a pair! I’ve learned valuable lessons through it all and even more by your passing than I could ever explain to the living. Your passing has affected me as a person, a Christian, a mother, friend and how I will react to pettiness or enemies I’m unaware of in my life. Time is too short and I’ve wasted so much. I refuse to give one more day to the enemy or waste one more day saying I’ll do that tomorrow or someday. Even in death you’ve taught me the most valuable lesson in life and I will live each day putting it into action to honor the memory of you and Cindy. I’ve read this lesson in the Bible but it had to happen in my life twice for it to finally sink in and move me to action. Mom, I love you, miss you, and adore you. My comfort is that you are well and with our Lord and Savior. Please stay close a little longer if you can. I know I’m not dreaming. I’m not going to wake up from this nightmare. I’m going to learn to live without you in my life and I know I’ll never get over it. I’ll just learn to process it differently. The psychological ramifications of your passing are profound. You know how deeply I love. I can’t get over or forget my animals that have passed. I remember you have to comforting me whenever their birthdays came around or I looked at pictures of them. How do I handle loosing you? Holding on to Jesus I suppose. Knowing that he knows the heartache I feel. I can’ t bring you back to life as He did Lazarus but I can bring your memory back to life daily. Life on this site I created for you. I hope with G-d’s guidance and support I can accomplish the things we talked about when Cindy passed so unexpectedly. You and I were just grieving her not to long ago and missing her. I wish she were here because I know she would be sitting with me grieving you as deep as I am. Then again, I don’t think her heart could have survived your passing. She was so emotionally delicate when it came to loving people and she LOVED her mommy. She was my Vincent Van Gogh. Remember “Starry Starry Night” was her ringtone on my phone? I’ll play her song for you on Thursday. I miss you both so much!

I don’t have the words to express the grief I feel at this moment. I have felt you near when I sing and cry. You came to me in a dream 2 days ago. We were sitting beside each other and I was crying to you about not being able to tell Cindy that you passed because she had already passed. In that moment, I realized you had passed away too. You just sat beside me as you often did by the couch. You didn’t speak but held both my hands tightly with both your hands while showing me great love and sympathy through your eyes. There was so much I wanted to say but didn’t because I was crying so hard. I suddenly woke and immediately regretted not talking to you instead of just crying. I do remember how nice your hands looked and noticed they didn’t seem to hurt you as we held onto each other. No more RA in them. They were strong and smooth. You seemed so peaceful, yet sad that I was hurting. I love you mom! You will always be my mommy no matter how old I am. I will do my best to honor your memory and bring G-d glory through this pain. I’m so proud to be “Bea’s daughter”. I pray for patience from above while my heart grieves. It’s broken in so many pieces, too many. I can’t even visualize healing at this moment in time. Mom, I know you’re with our Savior in a new body. I know you’re at peace. I’m just heartbroken to have lost you so suddenly and in this way. Unexpected and kept apart from each other when you needed me the most. I wasn’t allowed to be there or comfort you. I know you felt alone. You told me how lonely you were and it broke my heart because I was lonely without you too. Jordan’s pain by your absence was deep as well. You were my constant companion, my love. Mom, please intercede on my behalf and ask G-d to forgive ALL my sins. I’ve repented for all I can think of but just in case I’ve forgotten something, something buried deep. I want to see you again! I want to go to heaven one day and spend eternity with our Heavenly Father and you. I miss you so much! I love you so much! Please forgive me for not protecting you better. I got sloppy. I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have allowed any near you. The vaccine is being handed out now to those who are most vulnerable. That would have been you. I remember telling Trish about having Dr. Jamil talk to you about getting the vaccine in case you were concerned about the effects. I’m glad for those getting the vaccine now but it’s a constant reminder of my failure to protect you. Psychologically I know I’m going through the stages of grief. I understand I’ll have to process each step in order to be emotionally well again. I need to be a good mom for Jordan. I need to be a good disciple for Christ. I know that’s what this life is truly about but I’m human and far from perfect. I need time to be a basket case for a while, but I’ll try my best to be stay in the word as I grieve your passing and not make your glorious homecoming about my feelings/loss. I do know this, I will never be the same person from this day forward. Mom, I’ll do my best to make that a good thing.