As that particular summer’s evening drew to a close it was with sadness I bade farewell to the last remnants of the summer sun casting its shadow behind a cloud. My mind wandered back to other days. When I had stood in the same spot knowing my beloved was in the house waiting patiently for me to come inside and share the joy of being together one more time. Little did I know that it might be the last of the summer evenings shared as a couple looking forward to what lies ahead.
If I had known I wouldn’t change a look a kiss or the feeling of basking in the love I felt because I know in my heart that everything happens in God’s time. And his great life here on Earth would be over and I would be left to make the journey without him.
Knowing full well that our life together had been the best years of my life. He had been a gift to me when I was suffering with pain from a life lived in darkness. Without the light of the sun guiding me to enjoy the fullness of its glow. However this particular evening was one unlived and as I entered the house I felt a gentle calm come over me as I stepped over the threshold into another World as the fireplace crackled in the hearth.
The smell of scented flowers filled the air and the gentle beating of my heart seemed to resonate with the ticking of the clock. He was resting on the couch quietly engrossed as he turned his head to see me enter the room. He appeared to be in pain and asked me if I would pass him a pillow so that he could support his back that was throbbing and aching. He was unable to respond with his usual smile as the worry and fear of what was happening to him consumed his waking moments. I gently placed the pillow at an angle for him and whispered I love you I miss you and he calmly answered I miss myself love.
It was then I knew that his time was nearing even though I dared not bring it to my consciousness for fear of been consumed with grief. So I pretended that all was well. The next day he was standing by the couch saying he had a terrible night as his body was being ravaged by the cancer no longer under his control. He seemed brighter however and fully ready to begin a new day. Only to find that in the afternoon once more he was driven to rest tired of the fight but hanging onto the hope that he would overcome this horrible disease that had invaded our life.
Each day became the same with the ingesting of pills that were lined up on the kitchen table each promising some relief from this horrible ordeal. He showed a brave front and continued to play his guitar and practice his beloved music that was his life. I took some time for myself and spent a week away hoping it would give me a reprieve from the agony of watching someone you love pass before your very eyes. He seemed better I was told that week having gone out to say goodbye to some friends I was later to find out.
When I returned a week later he was so happy to see me and I too however he was once again in pain complaining of not being able to breathe. Taking him to emerge I was given the news he had a heart attack on top of everything else. He now was living with more pills. Could I not see that this was the beginning of the end. Nooo this couldn’t be happening so I pretended that all was well and he would survive. Our last week together was spent in quiet solitude sometimes I would get angry because I felt so helpless and didn’t know what to do. He retreated inside himself one more time. Well his last weekend was spent in the hospital gently cared for by loving nurses I wasn’t much help. I couldn’t stand it any longer but I persevered telling myself he would be okay and would be home with me so I could once again take care of him.
He fought to the very end always mindful not to burden me. When I returned the next day he was in the last stages of death ready to leave and waited for me to say my goodbyes then he was gone. As I stood that night on the porch I gave thanks that he was at peace.
