I love and miss you so much son! I wish you were here

Happy birthday Nicholas! I love and miss you so much! We will celebrate your birthday tonight!

Nicholas Andrew you were almost born on my birthday. Auntie misses you and loves you so much. I know you're better I know you felt troubled and desperate. I wish I could have been there to help in any way. I did try maybe with too much tough love. I know how much you loved me I was your auntie you always knew if you were in trouble you could come to me and I would hide you protect you and shield you and love you forever. I remember all the days I was in the hospital and you would call me everyday and read to me from the Bible. We were so so blessed to have you in our lives. This is my first post here because I didn't know about it but I write to you regularly on Facebook and I post your beautiful smiling face. I know you and Erin are together you're with Gaga and super gramp and Gunner.I wish you were still here and happy and successful. Sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for a season your season was the best of my life. You know you were like my own to say I love you doesn't cover it you are some of the best of what this world has to offer and you always will be.
Love always and forever auntie

My brother man life has been so rough lately i miss u like crazy. Id do anything to hear u  threw these dark times i know ur watching over us all feels like. Yesterday wont dont describe the bond we had i feel ur presence and energy all time keep looking over momma man i promise to do the same i love u chief  rest easy fam until we meet again

Hi Nickster. It goes without saying that I miss you so very much. It is hard to believe you have been gone 4 years. I am not sure how I made it through but here I am writing to you again. I know you found peace in being with the father so that does make me happy but the selfish me wants you here. Uncle T is having a hard time without you as well. At least you have Erin with you and I know that was important to you.
I will continue what is left of my life thinking of you and then I will be there to be with you so until then keep in your thoughts that I love you so much.

I love you son! Happy birthday in heaven! I know you are with me everyday! I miss you so much!

Oh man how I am just now seeing this page is crazy brings me to tears nick Man I love you cuz so much you have no idea I wish I could have one more day on earth with you I’d savor every single second I got just to see that smile and to hear you say I love you b I’ll be seeing you soon but even though I know that time won’t come soon I’ll look forward to the day I do get to see you again forever on my mind and in my heart missing you is something so real I cannot even put into words till I see you again my cousin my brother my bestfriend love you more then all the stars in the sky

Ya know Nick I come into this site all the time and wine about how sad and miserable I am but I forgot to tell you how much happiness you brought to my life. We did so much together like going to Florida so you could steal Lauren's binki and I had to yell at you to give it back. 

And the best time was when went to New Jersey and New York together. Kenny and Rachel wanted to strangle you. I have some great pictures of that trip. Every summer you came to California to spend the summer with me, we had sooooooooo much fun. I loved you the minute you were born and I will love you until we are together again. I would never have wanted to stay here as sad and unhappy as you were. I sure do look forward to seeing you and Erin. I love you.....

Nanny

Well here we are 2 years later, 2 years from my phone ringing hearing you are in heaven, 2 years I've wished I could change so many things and have not missed so much time with you BUT I can't and I just hope you know how much I'll always love and miss you, I have all the memories and they are truly a blessing to have because we had some awesome experiences and I'll never forget them, I hope you are always looking down smiling on everyone with your big smile. Hope you see how big your brother is getting and what a great boy he is, he's just like you in so many ways. When we see butterflies at the property I know they are you, flying down the track with us on the bikes and I know when all of the sudden I had a feeling I needed to go outside last night and sit on the porch to find one red cardinal sitting on my fence singing, it was you visiting just for a few minutes, continue to do Gods work up there and know down here, we all miss you! Love you brother

I love you so much my sweet boy! I miss you so much! I stay strong for YOU because I know what you would say! I always here you in my head when I need to make a tough call with your brother "mamma, be cool and let him do shit" I listen! I will
Love you and hear you forever! Your brother will be 14 this weekend, oh my! I know you will be with us as you always are! I LOVE you to the sky and back baby!

If you are watching me I'm sorry to let you down. I can not go on, I can not stop crying and I can not smile. Ya know people come and go in your life and you are supposed to learn and grow from the experience of knowing that person. Well the only thing I learned is how much loving and loosing someone hurts. I just don't know what to do at any given second, minute, day, week. I just want to be with you and Erin so very much. I can't live like this much longer and I know I am supposed to be STRONG but, guess what, I am just not strong enough. Being strong is not all it's cracked up to be. I love you

I wish with all my being you were here, healthy, happy and smiling so we could celebrate your birthday. I wish for things I can't have all the time so I know this is no different. Just know I love you very much and miss you even more. Life sure isn't fair but I do know we have to accept whatever comes our way. I sure hope you can feel the love.

I agree with Tyler. I miss you so much and I do think about you night and day every day. I know I have to move on but I can't. I just don't want you to be gone. I don't know what to do without you. You were my life for so many years. I love you so very much that I just want to be with you. I try so hard to not play wooo is me.

Hey brother it's to I miss u more than ever man I sit here and think about u all the time. There was no other friend like u u were my brother Forreal I feel lost with out u majority of the time and I look at my phone and see u and know u were with me. I keep in contact with momma make sure she is ok I love u brother a year with out doesn't feel real. Seems like yesterday we were bullshitting on the porch

Just talked to your Momma and she relayed what you told to Robin at her session, so happy that your not in pain and happy and I know Gunner is happy being with you, we all miss you and love you brother

I miss yuo so much honey. I can not believe you have been gone one year. I don't know how to go on without you. You were such a very big part of my life and sometimes I just know what to do. I am happy to hear you have completed your journey and are in the place you wanted to be. Life is just so empty without you. You keep smiling that fantastic smile and I will see you soon.

Happy 11 months in heaven brother, thanks for letting me find that card of yours on the property track last week, i needed that on that day, maybe you knew it. Love you bud

Hi Sweet boy. I was going through boxes today and found so many things of you and I. I still am not sure how to live without you. I feel so very lost and sad. I am, however, happy for you and Erin as I know you are at peace in the loving arms of GOD, right where you wanted to be for a long time. I miss you every day and I love you so very much. Now we have to worry about Robert. Please tell GOD not to take Rob right now as he has too much to do before he goes.

Talk to you soon honey, kisses and lots of hugs.

I love and miss you Nick, this is so hard, I wish more than anything I can see you one more time. I hope you are beyond happy and at peace and I know one day I'll see you again my brother. I hope you see everything we do in honor of you, we all love and miss you so much!

Hi honey. I was thinking about the promise we made to each other right before Chase was born. I still honor that promise and always will.

Your little brother is a wonderful little you. He rides his dirt bike on the property like you did. I looked at him one time and thought it was you. He loves you a lot and is always making you proud. I want you to know what a wonderful stand in Seth is for you. He is so close to Chase and they are always together doing something. . He loves Chase a lot as he loved you. You and Seth had so much fun at the property when you guys were there. GOOD MEMEMORIES... I want you to be at peace and if I am holding you back I am sorry. I really am trying to deal with you being gone but I am not doing a very good job. I will however keep trying so you don't have to worry. I'll be OK, never good but OK.

I love you honey.

Nanny .

Well honey, once again you are right. Electronics suck. Joe got me a new touch screen phone and I have no idea how it works. I can't answer texts or phone calls. I hate this phone but Joe wants me in the21st century. YUCK. I did get a text from your brother saying how much fun he was having on his dirt bike and because it came up while I was trying to figure it out I was actually able to answer him. Joe said if I can't figure it out I can have my flip phone back.


Although none of this is about anyone but you I am still having a really hard time. I just want to see your face one more time. I would do anything. I want to see you smile but I do know how unhappy and sad you are. I accept you had to leave but I hate it. I just really don't want to be here for another 15 years without you. Be at peace honey. I am happy for YOU.

All my love to you,

Nanny

You are 22 now and you are not here to hug and kiss. I was in Florida for a month to take care of Robbie and Savannah thinking life might be OK if I just tried to live. Everything in this world is NOT ok. I miss you so very much and I don't want to be here without you.. You would be so proud of your brother. He is an amazing person and I love him and he loves you. He wishes you were here to watch him grow and do things he knows you will be proud of. My heart hurts a lot but I want to thank you for all the wonderful memories BUT we had more to create. I have thought a lot about why you felt the need to leave.  I have thought a lot about ALL the things that hurts you and made you sad so I do understand and I know you did not want to hurt the ones that you really did love. I wish with all my heart I could have protected you from the pain but I just did not realize how bad it really was.

I love you honey and that will never change, not for the rest of my life. I look forward to seeing you again. I hope that is really real. Tell Erin I said Hi and I am sorry she left as well. All you have to do now is love and that is who you are, enjoy as GOD loves you tons. I will talk to you again soon.

Nanny

Happy Birthday Nicker Bocker ...Anthony, Austin and I miss you very much , God is very blessed to have you!!!  We love you always .... Love your god mother

Happy Birthday Nick, we all love and miss you every day, think about you constantly, hope you enjoy your birthday in heaven and help everyone through the day, I know you'll be there with us celebrating your birthday on Saturday at your favorite place, I love you brother!!!

Just wanted to tell you I love and miss you brother, hope you saw us today and we're proud of us, just got really sad right now and had to leave you some love, love you Nick

Ya know Nick you are one of the most incredible people I have ever known. You loved everyone so much and everyone loved you. I am so sad you were in so much pain and turmoil that you had to leave.I do understand but being the selfish bitch that I am I just don't want you gone. You complete my life and I still don't know what to do. I love you so much.

Nanny

Hi Nick  Yes it's me again. I found a letter from you that I had not seen before and it broke me. Everything you said is so true and I feel the same. My world is so off without you, I don't know how to fix it. I'm just not sure how to go on without you, I want to be with you and Erin. I know it has to be better than this HELL your Mom and I are living in. I am so happy you made it to where you want to be but you left us behind and I don't understand. I know it is not about me but I sure feels like it is. I keep breathing, I keep looking, I keep walking and I keep looking around for you. I love and miss you so very much honey. You still had so much to do and so much to feel and so many doors to open and I am so sorry that so many doors closed in your face. Your Mom and I tried to do everything we could for you but it just wasn't enough and for that I am so sorry. I wanted you to be president. You understood everything and just didn't know how to make it work.

I just don't know where to go or what to do but I do know I just want to hug you. Whenever my eyes are open they see your smile.

I talk to you every day. I hope you hear and feel me.

XXXOOO

I look around everywhere and I can't find you. I am happy you are at peace and don't have to feel depressed or scared or hungry but the pain of missing you is so hard for me. I love you so very much but I always have. I look so forward to being with you again. Enjoy your love for your Lord. Bye for now, see you on the other side.

Sitting here crying thinking of you buddy, watching you float away in the ocean, harder than I have ever thought something would be, wish I could change a million things, love and miss you Nick

Hi honey, Thanks for coming to see me today as I have really been missing you. I am the same, still can not figure out how to move on without you in this world. You took my heart and soul with you when you left. Uncle T and I talk about you every time we talk. Your Mom is not OK without you. See is lost in a sea of sadness and loss.

I just don't know what to do without you, I really don't. Please stop by more often as it really does help. XXOO

Thank you for today brother, I love you and will always miss you

Ya know Nick, life is just not the same without you. I don't know how to go on. I want to see that devious smile of yours, I want to tickle your back and rub Jones on it and watch you go to sleep. I want to hear you NAG me to take you here and take you there.

The frigging grass still grows and the wind still blows and I don't understand how that is possible because you aren't here. You made my world but my life stopped on 4.24 How do things just keep going on without YOU. I love you so much and I miss you. I really just don't know what to do. I guess I will keep going until it is time to come see you. Wait for me because I'll be there and you better smile that smile when they open the gates for me.

Read this today and helps to explain why you keep coming in dreams....."Ever have a dream of a loved one on the other side that feels so real that you wake up wondering if it really happened? The truth is that it most likely did. Spirits will communicate with us in our dream state because it is when we are most receptive and essentially won't freak out when we see them. If your loved one actually showed up in broad daylight it would probably freak you out more than you think. Ever notice when someone passes some people around you will have had a dream of that person the night before, or even dreamt of them sending a message a few weeks after they have passed? It is their way of letting you know that they are safe and are moving on." I love it so keep the messages coming

I will love you forever!

Sitting here crying, missing you! Everyone tells me you are in a better place, is it true? I hope you are happy, I hope it is what you thought it would be, I hope you are with me everyday! Love you one more than anything you you said, I always won with that one! MUAH! Love you forever!

I love you baby! I had you at 21! I tried to do everything to keep you safe! I took you to a counselor at 13 and they told me I had to give you a little freedom, I said WHAT! But I listened! You walked into the front of the mall and walked out the back! I should have NEVER listened! I love you so much and MISS you so much! muah!

Hey buddy, funny how you keep coming through and I'm so thankful that you are.. Monday my heart was so heavy was thinking a lot then I was mowing grass in christmas and the white butterfly that kept flying around me several different times I believe was you, went to Nannys and sat out front for a few just for some peace and comfort then last night I had a dream and I remember every detail to the point I woke up with tears in my eyes, the whole family was sitting on the front porch and you were leaving us to go do something and I walked down off the porch and asked you not to go, you walked over to me in a red hoodie gave me a huge hug and held on crying your eyes out, I started to cry and then I woke up crying. I don't know what the dream means or anything but stuff like this lets me know your with us still and that you'll always keep your memory living. Be there for everyone in your own way, we'll all know when it's you, love you brother man!

Thinking of you.a lot today.I had a patient i sat with for over an hour we talked about a lot and something about her just made me not wanna leave.but when I did the words she said to me were shocking and made basically freeze..."God is good.all the time."

Hey Nick did you see Bruce yet? For those of you who don't know who Bruce is, he was Nick's kitten. He was at a party and a cat had kittens. The mother cat was attacking one of the babies so Nick grabbed the kitten and brought him home. He was about 3 days old with his neck cut wide open. We went and bought a tiny bottle, special formula and a heating pad. Nick fed and wrapped him up and took very close care of him. We has a lady come over and look at him to see if there was anything additional we could do to help the baby. We all loved the kitten, even Kasee. With all the love and care after a week or so Bruce passed. Nick was heartbroken so I was hoping he found him again. I love you Nick and I am very proud of you for your kindred heart.. XXOO

Hey Nick its me Auntie......... Thank you for talking to me everyday since our Father God whispered your name if not for your word I could not survive this you have held me together Nick, I start to fall and I hear you say come on Auntie I'm ok I'm here for you please believe me. Nick I believe you. I promise you right now I will honor your life I will not cry for you I will smile for you and I'll dream your dreams for you I will not dwell on the anger of my loss but rather live in the memory of who you are and continue to be .... a beautiful soul. We have a truly amazing relationship I will feel blessed by that I will not be haunted by your trouble here I will be thankful for all the peoples life you touched in only a way you could. I will only grieve for those in this realm who never got to be touched by your boundless love and simply endless zest for life. I will not question your decisions I will let you rest in peace until I see your face again when my time here is over and I join you in the next journey and I know that journey will be one hell of a ride I expect no less.. I have all your secrets locked away and there they will stay. I could say so much but you know my heart Nick so I'll close with this I love you I'll talk to you soon and see you when I get there

Sitting here thinking about you and missing you SO much! I keep hearing you say " I love you momma" and I will always love you! I miss you so much sweet boy! I am not sure if I believe in God anymore but I know you did so, I know you and Erin are with him!! Muah!'

Well Nickster, I go outside to have a smoke and your chair across from me is empty? We would sit there and talk for a long time. There are 2 blue birds that stop by every day and I call them Nick and Erin so you are kinda here in different form.  I talk to both of you every day. Erin, please give Nick a big hug for me. I miss you more than I can explain so you better be flying high and free as a bird.

One of my favorite memories of nickster is when he was about 1 or 2 he was living on meadow lane, I went to visit his nanny and he comes waliking down the hallway with "just a cowboy hat on".. and of course his beautiful smile. I will miss talking to you when I would call your nanny and you would answer the phone. We would always make each other laugh.

Nick, in the last few years that I have known you, you had a wonderful ability to always put me at peace. No matter how upset I was just talking to you would always help me out and put me at ease. That's a gift that not everyone has. Now I hope your soul is at peace. And your memory will always live on to all the people who where lucky to have been blessed to have had the opportunity to have known such a great guy, like myself. Thank you for being a good friend to me. You will never be forgotten.

I miss you every second of everyday! I am so sad and heartbroken!!

i dreamt of u last night man i just wish this wasnt a reality cause man i would just to see u man  and give u a hug  me and grandma were talking bout u man u are truley missed  brings me to tears looking at these pictures  i love u brother fly high chiefy

"Our Family Chain"

We little knew that morning,
god was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone.
For parts of us went with you,
The day God clled you home.
You left us beatiful memories,
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.
Our family chaing is broken
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again...

I love you so much sweet boy. Muaahhhh!

Another day without you and I miss you so very much Nickster. I have so many GREAT memories such as when you were a year and a half old on Meadow Lane you crawled up on my bed and got into my suitcase so you could go with me. When you were two and a half you could hit the ball over the house with your bat. You never stopped amazing me. Travis told me last night that you were more versed on the bible than he was. He said you knew exactly what you were doing and you and Erin are in GOD's arms at peace. So rest honey and enjoy the peace. You will never leave my heart.

Nick is a very special, loving person and I will miss him forever. His smile will light up a room and make you smile even if you are not happy. GOD is lucky to have him. I love you Nickster.

Nanny

there isnt a day i dont think you  everything reminds me of u man u werent just my friend u were my brother and i can truley say no matter what u were always there for me i have some of the best memories of u from the time we were 10 tell now  me jay and allie gave u the name chiefy ever time i seen u bro u would give me the biggest hug while u were in cali i talked to u on a daily basis snap chat webcam for hours on the phone no matter what ud always say at the end of a phone call u love me and i know meant it i was so glad i got to spend the time i did with you before u went to paradise  and we sat on my front porch and talked tell the day started man and we were both glad our brotherhood of a bond came back because we went or separate ways for awhile but no matter what we were there for eachother and thats what family does and i wont ever forget running from the cops on Christmas going to get carmen milk lol we were gone! i think about u daily and talk to u before i close my eyes cause i know ur listening i love u brother i know u and you girl are in a better place rest easy brother ill tell you about everything when i see u again