How do I get through this Birthday without you? Last year was so wonderful! You made my breakfast and packed my snacks for work walked me to my car  and told me Happy Birthday ! Then a few hours later at work the most beautiful Flowers that can be bought at a florest arrived at work. Then the win pop will the Wardon  come to client support!  No one knew my secret name you had for me, thinking I could just go and get them without anyone knowing our secret then my name was called. Tammy you have a delivery . Everyone knew then I was your Wardon.  Then the surprise Birthday  party the first one sense I was 17 years old! The beautiful card that talked about how you always talked about US and WE a lot  but this day was all about Me. You made that day so very special from the moment I stepped out of bed until I returned,  I  think you knew on some level that it would be the vary last Birthday we would ever have. I miss you far more than I ever thought possible !  Most nights I wake myself up crying for you. I don't remember a life without you in it! It has been almost eight months and I am still so lost and in so much pain and grief I don't know what to do with myself!  I hope you are safe and happy . F.A.E. 

Can  you see the change in me?  It may not be so  obvious to you.

I  participate in family activities. I attend  family reunions. I help plan  holiday meals.

You  tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.

But  I do cry. When  everyone has gone, when it's safe, the tears fall.

I  cry in private so my family won't worry.

I  cry until I'm exhausted and can finally fall asleep.

You tell me you admire my strength and positive attitude. 

But  I am not strong. I feel that I have lost control,

and  panic when I think about tomorrow,  next week, next year.

I  go about the routine of the job. I complete  assigned tasks. I drink coffee  and smile.

You  tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death  of a loved one.

But  I'm not "over it". If I got  over it, I would be the same as before my loved one  died.

I  will never be the same.

At  times I think I am beginning to heal, but the  pain of losing someone I loved so much

has  left a permanent  scar on my heart.

I  visit my neighbors.   You tell me  you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.

But  I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world.

I  spend time with friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile  when appropriate.

You  tell me it's good to see me back to "my old self"

but  I will never be back to my old self.

Death  and grief have touched my life and I  am... Forever  Changed

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard his call,
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My Life's been full, I savoured much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch,

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

19 years ago this day we lost everything to a House fire. My husband and I had just come home that morning from our 25th Anniversary vacation where we had the best time of our lives as we never took a Honeymoon and for us that was it. We were gone for nine full days the longest we had ever been away from home. That night we had a short in the electric wires inside the walls of the home we had lived in for 12 full years raised our kids there and loved every moment we lived in ...that old home.  It hit me hard I could hardly breath I had everything I ever wanted in that old house then I had nothing at all my kids had no clothes for school and I could not think straight at all.  All I could do is cry for lost things my Cat who did not make it out she was my family. She did not know she was just a cat she was a part of my heart and all of us still talk about her to this day. I think as I look back that fire that so hurt me to the core was one of the best things in life that ever happen to my family, I know that sounds weird but Gods plan was to remove us form where we were it was not a good place any longer but we did not want to move it was our home but God had better plans for my family. We cant Question him only look back and say Thank you God for looking out for us as you see what we cant. . I do believe also that I will someday see the same blessing in the loss of my Husband. I do think inside my heart he was sick he was losing weight and hiding it from me. He was sick He needed more test run to find out what was wrong with him but refused until I took out more life insurance on him so we were at a standstill on this . I told him no just do the damn test and lets see what we are dealing with here.  That is the very last conversation I had with him was about life insurance, So it is a Blessing he passed so quickly Yes I think so. He never knew what hit him he did not suffer at all. He never woke up not once. Thank you God for all your Blessings you show me each and everyday and Please take care of the other half of my Heart. Yes I still grief his loss and the loss of my Cat 19 years ago today so ok I guess that makes me a little weird but that's me. Weird...

Part Two, His last day on earth he is still thinking of me... I wake up from my nap and walk into the living room the first thing I see is  beautiful hand made flowers and I know that that Man of mine had made them for me for Mothers day. I was blown away as they were so very beautiful. I walk into the dining room and there is number two  and I knew I would find a third as we have three Children and I open the back door to our back porch and there it is number three OMG...I was in tears. I took pictures of each and everyone. He had never in 40 years sense I had been the Mother to his children ever done that. Such detail Red and yellow roses, baby breath, ribbons, feathers, each one different he must have spent hours making them for me. I remember saying out loud who does this and as I cried I said my Man does wow Odell you out done your self this time Old man. Then on top on my laptop was a note that read Happy Mothers Day B---- I love U and the u was underlined three times. I laughed and laughed took the note and I put into my wallet I have never ever saved one like that like that in my life but that day I did. I felt weird I could not explain how funny my inside felt just not quite right. I remember looking at the clock and then finding another note that read gone walkabout.  I felt like I needed to go get me some grandbabies I did not want to be alone so I called my Granddaughter and went and picked her and her brother up as I knew my  Daughter was at work. We went to the store and got things for the kids to make their Mommy Mothers day cards I cooked them dinner and about 930pm their Mom took them home. I still had that uneasy feeling I could not put my finger on I was walking the floor holding both the home phone and my cell phone and looking at all the beautiful flowers as it is the night before Mothers Day and I am in awe of this Husband Making all these flowers and I just want to tell him how much he means to me and how beautiful they are. And that I have never felt so loved in out entire life as I did looking at them. Any Man can go out and buy his wife flowers but My Man took hours to make his wife handmade with so much love.  WOW I am Blessed beyond words...302 am I am sick to my stomach by this time and I know something is wrong by now. No just an uneasy feeling and whatever it is it is not good....The home phone rings its a lady from C M C Main I remember very little about that call I do remember her saying your Husband is on life support we  operated on his Brain he is not going to live. How fast can you get here and bring your Family anyone who wants to say goodbye . I also remember her saying her saying how very sorry she was. I remember it took me a few minutes to stop shaking I could not dial a number but I had to I knew I could not drive a car I would kill someone and I could not think I was numb.  I called someone My Son Bobby came he drove us to the Hospital. We walked into the trauma unit I looked at My husband on all those tubes all the things he made me promise him I would never ever do to him. He said many many time he would end up on life support and I would never be strong enough to turn off those machines and let him go. I asked the nurse in a calm voice that I did not even know was coming from me is that his blood pressure or is it medicated? she answered medicated. I then asked her is he breathing on his own at all or is the ventilator doing all his breathing for him?  Her answer he is breathing on his own only about two breaths an hour. Then  I asked her what comes next she said his heart would be the next to go and that they had a crash cart outside the door. I then asked her the Big Question I knew the answer even before I asked it but I need to here it out loud. Have you ever seen anyone ever in this condition ever leave a Hospital ? And then I said please be honest with me I have been with this Man my whole life. She said no Mrs. Fields your Husband will never leave this hospital. I thanked her.  I then asked her to please remove the crash cart from outside his room. I said I want a DNR on this Man I know him even better than I know myself he would not want any of this. He never ever wanted to be kept alive by means such as this . He has the Papers at home. Said not needed in the state of N.C. I do know we need them in S.C.  So on Mothers Day I gave my Husband permission to go...Now this is now before I spent 15 hours with him talking to him playing our songs. I knew he was not here, he was gone the second he hit the ground the night before when he was hit in the back of his head he never saw it coming, He never felt any pain. I have to hold on to that. he was waiting on a taxi cab to come home to me so we could celebrate Mothers Day 2014   Then myself My Daughter and My sister left the hospital together but our two Sons stayed with him each took a hand when the last machine was turned off he went home to meet our Father and His Daddy He was gone in Two Minutes and that's just what I told my Children I said you must trust your Mothers Heart on this one your Daddy is no longer here I must do what he as always asked me to do and let him go. I am so proud I was the wife he needed me to be when he need me the most. Now I was with my sister setting inside my car and at 8pm I felt him leave this earth I screamed OMG He is gone its over and my Sister asked how do you know I said I just felt him leave the earth he is now in Heaven. Just as when we first met that day in May way back in 1970 and I did not know his name it was love at first site I told him I would Marry him he tole me that would never ever happen to His last breath when I knew he left this earth we were soul mates...I miss you F.A.E.Odell and Tammy F.A.E.

As I have been looking back over this past year it has been a year I will never forget that is so very true. Now for the people that are my friends and have followed me here on facebook you know how very much I so was in love with that old Man. He got on my last nerve. We fought like cats and dogs most days and we loved each other to the moon and back. We raised three of the most amazing Children and we have eight Beautiful Grandbabies.   I do think as I have had time to look back he knew in some way this was our last year together. January was my 60th Birthday, He made that day the most special day he possibly could form the time I stepped out of bed until the end. Breakfast, cooked by him, Flowers at work and then a surprise Party( the first) in a restaurant ever in out 44 years together, then February came the big snow he wanted us to build the biggest snowman we could build and it took us over seven hours to build it. Now many would think nothing of this but this Man watched the electric bill like we did not have a penny to our name but this day he got a heater and brought it to the front porch so I could be warm and be right with him helping him finish the funniest looking snowman I had ever seen. The kids made fun of it I was so proud. March He was talking about our life together and making sure I had downloaded all the songs he said reminded him of our love and life together, He said we have had four decades together and we had to have a song for each one. April, did not go without its troubles he was losing weight I was so worried about him I could not sleep as he refused to go to a Dr. I ended up in a ambulance I had fainted. That forced him to take a long look at his life and what he was doing to me. He called my cell phone and left me the most beautiful voice mail telling me how much he loved me and how much he was worried about me. Asking me not to be worried about him and he ended that call with the three little letter that are engraved on a hart I ware everyday that he gave me for our 23 anniversary the same three letters that were on the first card he gave me at 16 and on every card for the last 44 years F.A.E. Forever and Ever..Now we come to May Our first Born Son turns 40 years His Dad looks at me and wants to take a road trip, His last week on this earth we took that trip. He said to me and I will quote, I want to play one more round of gulf with My Son. I want to go see My Sister..I want to go see your Brother John and meet his new Wife. We talked we held hands we played our songs we even danced to the song that had been our song for the past 44 years at our Sons house down in St Marys Ga.   He fixed my Sisters riding lawnmower and was so proud of himself for that. It took him about three minutes. He looked at it one day explained to her what he needed to fix it. Went back the next day and done...He loved helping others more than anything.  Now comes his last day Saturday May 10th His Sisters Birthday she turns 81. She Named him when he was born and six weeks later there Father was Killed driving a taxi cab, some Man killed him with a knife leaving behind a Wife and Eight Children My Husband the Baby of the Family never knew his own Father. I was getting ready for work as we did not get home from our trip until late Wednesday night. He asked me if I had to go to work and I was shocked he even asked me that because he never asked me to stay home with him not ever...So I did not go it was a Saturday, and no I wanted to get the four hours in and try to make some money but he was more important than money so I stayed home and spent the morning with him. We talked we had our morning Coffee we laughed and we had a argument he brought me insurance papers as he wanted me to take out more life insurance on him. He had gone and had test done and was being sent to see a specialist to have his stomach looked at but had refused to go. I told him no way we could not afford anymore insurance. And if we had it it would not pay off anyhow. What ever was wrong with him if anything bad the it was to late to take out insurance he was 65 years old. He was not giving up and I was not either we were like that both stubborn. I told him I was done with talking about stupid life insurance I was going to go lay down and take a nap. I did...I could here him just a fussing at me for not listing to him anymore about it and I remember smiling as I drifted off to sleep. I never saw him alive were I could talk to him again. I will finish the story another day. It is a beautiful story of a life a love and two hearts meant to be together until death do us Part..Our love will never die .

I just read what I wrote the spelling just sucks .I have tears running down my face and I lived it. I hope it will help in some small way. Help others to know that even through death there is love. Our love will never die and I will see him in the next life. We all have loved and lost and many far worse than me .We were not perfect, But we had a perfect Marriage because I do believe that a perfect Marriage is two  imperfect people who refused to give up on each other. For both of us our life together was everything we made many mistakes but we talked them out together, we hurt each other time and time again over the last 44 years but we worked it out together. Hard times yes and yes again but we were together side by side and we were proud of that, we both were so proud that we stood by each other just like we vowed to do on Oct 24th 1970. So no flowers this year, no I love you, no hugs from him but I have one thing that know one can ever take away and that's our memories of a life a love a Family Our love Our life Our Family And we had Music lots and lots of music. I was blessed beyond measure to be loved by him all of my life. I know I still have living to do I am in the last chapter and when this pain eases I will one day wake up and the grief will not be so strong that I can take a big breath and smile when I remember him without tears That's the day I am Praying for. It will happen but its to soon way to soon I have all the firsts to get through. But I am proud I have not spent one day in bed I have pulled myself out every single day. I have looked into eyes of my Grandchildren and explained that I understand when one of them tells me how much they miss their Paw Paw. I tell them its ok to just talk to him and I know he can here the things they say to him. I believe he does...When I read what people say about me that I am strong and so amazing I stop and wonder who are they talking about? I am a uneducated country Girl that came from a broken home. I have very few memories of my Daddy as he died 43 years ago But I do remember him telling me some very important things, 1, Love and always care for the little Children and never ever hurt a Child or an animal ,2. The color of a persons skin means nothing we all bleed RED,  And 3, you will not go to hell for saying the word but you will not get into Heaven if you don't treat your fellow Man the same way as you want to be treated. So with that being said I love each and every one Good Night all...Tammy     

My Daddy ,
 If not for this Man we would never have had our 44 years together. He fought hard to see to it that I got to Marry the Man I was so in love with on Oct 24th 1970 I will forever remember what he said as soon as the minister pronsonsed us Man and Wife he looked at me and asked are you happy now?  
When you died I made a special trip back home to Ohio I sat at his grave site just so I could Thank him for the years he alowed us to have together.   That was so important for me to do. I miss you F.A.E.  Tammy

I will never forget my 60th Birthday, I awoke early as I had to be at work at 8am. My dear sweet Husband Mr Fields was up hours before planing this special day for me . It was as if he knew without a doub this was his last year on earth and this birthday has to be the one I would  never forget.

 He cooked me breakfast eggs and toast with butter now the butter is important as he always said it was not good for me and I should not eat the stuff. He always made sure I ate what he thought was right. He always took the best care of me,  Now I never much care to much for that fact. Well I realy loved it but i did not let on to him that I did . I was a bit spoiled.

 I went on to work after him getting me ready for my day just like always and sometime that afternoon the whole office recived notice that someone named The wardon was to come to client support . Everyone knows that means you have Flower but no one in the office of 400 people knew who the Wardon was? Well that is where the Beautiful Flowers came from.
Later on that evening I also had a suprize Birthday party. Making my last Birthday with him the one I will never ever forget as long as I live. The Pictures on the Flowers will forever remind me.    F.A.E.  Forever and Ever      Tammy

When my husband was killed, it was all I could do to breathe.  When suffering a loss, every day is overwhelming.  Some days you are at the point of breaking.  Anyone with me?

Life continues and that is what you want to stop.  The world is passing you by and that is what you can’t comprehend.  Everything is going so fast and all you want to do is sit down and cry.

But life continues.  And tasks need to be done.  Some of those tasks remind you of your loss in an overwhelming kind of way.  You need to mow the lawn, but that is what he always did for you.  You need to wash the dishes, but that is what he always did.  You need a shoulder to cry on, but the friend you always called is no longer there.  You need to get something in their room, but as soon as you enter, you are reminded the room has no occupant.

And each task, each stress, each moment is like pouring one more ounce of water in an overflowing pitcher, or placing one more rock on top of a falling tower.

You break, and you think, “I can’t DO this!”

And no one understands.  They can’t.  They aren't you.  You can talk until you are blue in the face but your pain is your pain.  Even if the other person is traveling through the grieving process with you, they still can’t understand.  They don’t have your feelings, they don’t have your memories, and they don’t share your personality.  They can’t understand your pain because they don’t know it.

 The only person who will ever understand is not human. The only one that can help me knows me inside and out. Knows my heart. Knows my every thought. My very feeling. God hmself. God help me with this pain of missing the one person you sent me to spend my life with.   I miss him with every breath I take. Love hurts. Tammy