We all have thoughts of... if only Heaven had a phone ... how about a hug through the clouds.. how about that beautiful feeling holding those precious hands. You are in my heart and thoughts always longing to see how wonderful you are looking, talking, laughing and just to see that beautiful smile!! Well for the first time I dreamt seeing that beautiful face!! In my dream I was going to see someone in a hospital and as I approached that person, yep its you!! I remember yelling "Mom's back" "Moms back"! Hugging you, kissing you and saying to you how great you looked and if you were here to stay.. well needless to say.. that dream ended!! Seeing you was wonderful and therapeutic!!  Mom come and visit us anytime it may only be a dream, but it's comforting to see your beautiful face!!! Love and miss you sooooooo Mom!!

Well Mom in exactly 12 hours it'll be 2 years since The Lord called you home. The saddest day of my life. I'll never forget our last night together as I held your hand, rubbing your arm, kissing your forehead believing this was comforting you. Many times throughout that night I thought,  it was, time! Your breathing just was soooo hard to watch and I told you it was ok Mom we'll be fine, go be with Paulie and Grammy! You were stubborn! It's the Knouse in you as you said often!! The nurses keep coming in to look on you and would say, "she's ready but not leaving while your here"! So I give you a kiss and go out in the reception area for a couple of hours. I did fall asleep and woke up in a panic! Go back to your room and say well Mom gave you alone time, nurses were wrong! As I sit here remembering each hour, I often feel I wish I would have never left that morning, it's a guilt I will have to live with, but I know you weren't alone! I did your flower arrangement myself this year pretty sure you'll love it! I love you Mom!

So, Dawn Morris....you know my daughter?!! Yeah, so she decided she wanted to get a dog! Needless to say, I was told the same day the "new puppy" was arriving she purchased one! She asked her Titi Karen to drive to Buffalo, NY to pick this puppy up from the airport that she spent over $1000 for! Then she calls me and tells me she bought this puppy when Karen is on her way to my job to show me! Well, long story short, his name was Squeaky! Eventually Dawn moved out and left Squeaky who then became Mom's best friend! She adored Squeaky but when Mom's dementia got worse I had to put Squeaky up for adoption. Mom was feeding Squeaky the food she was supposed to be eating so as Mom started losing weight, Squeaky was blowing up getting so fat! I took Squeaky to Lollypop Farm and in about 3 weeks he ended up being on the news for the "Pet of the Week" and was adopted by a wonderful family the next day! Thankfully there was a happy ending! And yes, THAT is why I no longer own pets!

Nana,

God, mommy showed this site to me about a month ago n it’s taken me this long to write something bc I don’t know where to begin. As a little girl, Nana was hard on me, n I used to think “man she must hate me”, I was too young to understand that you were hard on me BECAUSE you love me. You were showing me the ways of a woman, how to cook, clean, do laundry, everything. Everything I know today, is bc of you. I can remember I Lost my first tooth bc I watched u move ur teeth n when I tried to do it, my tooth came right out, and when I told you about it, crying hysterically, you laughed so hard, you almost Peed your pants and you said “honey, my teeth are fake,yours aren’t supposed to move!” Haha! Emotionally, you made me feel safer than I had ever felt, or have since. I can remember when there would be a thunderstorm, Dawn and I would be petrified, and as soon as we heard thunder, we RAN to Nana’s room. When her door opened n she’d see us, all she had to do was pat the bed n that was our cue to jump in this twin size bed with our Nana, dawn in the front of her, me behind her. And she’d have one arm wrapped around Dawn, n the other hand she used to rub my leg n she’d comfort us until the storm passed or we fell out. She’d be squished in her little twin size bed with her, my big butt, n Dawn, n wouldn’t move a muscle for fear of waking us if we had fallen asleep n wouldn’t complain ever. Same if my parents would argue, we’d run in crying n she’d say “shh sh sh, it’s gunna be just fine, Nanas here” n that’s all it took. Because if my Nana said it’s gunna be ok, then I kno it’s gunna be alright. I’m 33 years old, n just want my Nana to tell me, it’s gunna be ok. About a year before Nana went to the nursing home, we were sitting at the table one morning, havin coffee, and she was telling me stories that I’d heard 10000 times before, but she told it like it just happened, n I listened like I’d never heard it before, so at the end I said “Nana, I wish I could record you telling your stories to play it back to you when you can’t remember anymore”, n she said “i know honey but you cant think about that now, I’m fine”. So I said, “well actually, you wanna record some videos with me for everyone? You can sing Happy Birthday to each family member n I’ll save them until the first year when ur gone n it’ll be nice for everyone to have that special happy birthday from u, bc that’ll be one thing I’m gunna miss. Nobody sings it the way u do nan” n she was so excited to do it. So we recorded her singing happy birthday n a personal message to each and every person she loved. We did about 45-50 videos. She made a video  for me to play for the family at the first Christmas after she passed, just basically saying that as a family we need to be there for each other during this time and to always stick together. Unfortunately, all of those videos are on an iCloud account that I am locked out of but still trying to get into.  I know she would tell me to stop stressing about it, but knowing that I have something so special to give to my grieving family, but can’t show them, is killing me. If there’s one thing I miss the most, it is her ability to make any problem, complicated or not, seem like it’s no big deal. I told myself that the day you left this planet, would be the day I relapsed. There was no way id be able to stay sober when you died. Looking back now, I was making your death an excuse to use, but at the time I just felt like I wasn’t gunna live thru your death, without numbing the pain. Then that horrible day came, you left me, my idol, my best friend, my teacher, was gone. Just like that. The solution to all of my problems, the shoulder I cried countless tears on, the foundation of which I built my world on, the matriarch of this family, was never coming back. I was completely shattered. What am I going to do without you? I had no idea, still don’t. I did know what I wasn’t gunna do, I wasn’t gunna get high. I was beyond devastated, but I knew that she would be so Incredibly disappointed if I used her death as an excuse to get high. So I didn’t. But I knew that I was never gonna be the same.  I don’t have regrets, because as much as you helped me as a kid, I tried tobe there for you as an adult. I saw you through both of your knee surgeries, the accidents, the falls, the sicknesses, and finally Alzheimer’s and dementia. I would gladly give my life, if it meant that my boys, and all our kids,could experience your love, or that this family could be whole again, but above it all, id give my life if it meant that my mother could have her best friend again. Nana, you will always be the brightest light that’s ever shined, n my world is a hell of a lot darker without you in it.

~I Love You to Infinity & Beyond ~

Love Always & Forever,

Nicol

I can't imagine how many times Mom read the Bible?! Several time I would assume. Had to share this story as you all know and can remember this yourself of all the chicken scratch Mom would write in her Bible! That was priceless.....had to share :)

We all know Mom's favorite color was purple! On Mom's 77th Birthday Karen took Mom out while we repainted her room lavender, hung lavender and white curtains, had some artificial lavender flowers in a vase...Mom's room just looked so springish! It was beautiful! She loved it! Here is a picture of her seeing her room for the first time! And yes, she's wearing her lavender coat!! 

Oh Nana, where do I even begin to express how much I miss you. Your laugh, your undying love for all of us, your compassion, your smell, your handwriting, your hands.... everything that made you nana. Your absence has left a never ending hole in all of our hearts, your memory helps to fill that hole although it will never come close to closing it.

There have been countless times in my life that no matter how big a problem seemed, you always said the exact words I needed to hear to feel better all while holding me close and rocking me - well into my adult years - I was never too old to be rocked by my nana. The last two years have been the longest two years of my life - not being able to go to you for the answer to everything in life and feeling safe in your arms. I've made decisions in my life over the last two years that I question and just wish you were here to tell me what the right decision is.

I think about getting married and having kids one day - its so painful to think of my wedding without you there, my kids never knowing how it felt to be loved by you. You were everything that's good in the world. I love you so much.

I've told this story to my girls several times so I'll share with everyone! It was Christmas Eve morning, 2014. This was the last Christmas Eve Mom was living at home. Mom woke up that morning and came out to the kitchen and I was making up cookie trays, frosting cookies, getting ready for our annual Christmas Eve. She was having a "great day"! She was in great spirit! It was just awesome because you didn't have many days like that anymore. So we just started talking about everything and anything! Let me tell you, hours went by! All of my trays were done and I heard such vivid stories from Mom about her family, my Father, many many stories I never heard before! That day was by far the best Christmas Eve I will ever have! We had so many laughs that day and I just loved to hear Mom's stories! It was just wonderful and I'll never forget it! And at the end, here's the pic of the finished product!

It was Saturday, February 15, 2014. Just another Saturday to Mom....little did she know her oldest Grandson Juni was flying in for a surprise visit! The surprise was taking place at Karen and Jr's and it took everything out of me to get Mom to go to Karen's house. It was cold, she said she didn't wanna go, she just was going to stay home. I said "No, you're not staying home, let's go and get out of the house!" She did end up going but wasn't too thrilled about it! We get there and she's standing near the kitchen and Juni came up behind her and surprised her! That scene I will NEVER forget! Mom was so happy to see Juni and the hug they shared was so emotional I think we all cried! We had a great visit having Juni here for a few days and made lots of memories! He sure is missed by all of us each and every day! We love you Juni, Megan, Ally and Gab! Miss you everyday!

When Mom was at Woodside they would have a "yard sale" every now and then where the residents could go into the dining room and buy clothes, jewelry, etc. So I'm in there looking around for some clothes for Mom and then I go looking for Mom and she's got this crazy hat on! I look at her and she says "You like my Hat?!" I'm dying laughing and said "Mom you want that hat?!!" She said "Why yes, what's wrong with it, you don't like it?" So I said "If you like the hat and wanna get it then you go ahead and get it". If anyone has ever shopped with Mom, you know how she'll have a cart full of stuff and by the time she gets in line she's put half of it back??? Yeah, she put the hat back! But I managed to take a picture of her! She had so much fun that day!

On June 26, 1993 I woke up around 7am, It was My Wedding Day! I was having an outside wedding at Lora and Armando's house and it was raining! You would think a "June Wedding" would be a beautiful, warm, sunny day? Nope not this day! It was raining out, we had decorations already outside getting wet, I just cried! Mom came in the bedroom and said "Now you can't cry your eyes are going to be puffy! This is a good sign....they say when it rains the morning of your wedding it means it's going to last a lifetime!" (Of course Mom would say that!) So needless to say, the rain went away, the sun came out and I am still married to my soulmate so once again, Mom was right! That's one thing I miss, whenever you're down just go to Mom, she'll always make it better. 

I stood so proud having my Mom walk me down the aisle on my Wedding Day! There is no other person I would want to walk me! So, Thanks Mom! For being YOU!

Thank you sissy.....for taking this picture. It was your last days Mom, I never wanted to let you go Mom but who was I to feel selfish and want you to live in such a lost world you were living in? Dementia is the most heart wrenching disease to see your loved one go through. Mom, I saw this strong-willed woman who no one could ever stop, nor would anyone want to try! turn into someone who wasn't happy, you were tired and weak and if anyone deserved to rest peacefully it was you Mom. I can remember one time we talked about this day, we just got home from spending hours in Rochester General Hospital because you fell walking out of the doctor's office and you hit your head....we were both sitting at the kitchen table and I was watching you eat your double cheeseburger from McDonalds (her favorite) and I said while crying tears "Mom, I don't know what I'm going to do when you're no longer here with me, I really don't", Mom said "You have your Family and you will be ok" I said "No Mom, I won't be okay, I can't even think of my life without you in it, I can't keep it together just thinking about it" Mom said "Honey, I'm tired.....I lived my life....it's time you live yours....I'm not afraid of dying....I have a lot of people to see in Heaven.......I'm ready". Those words stayed with me and always will. I know Mom meant everything she said, Mom never lied, always spoke the truth....So I think moments like that one as well as many others is what keeps me going day after day, Lord knows I think of you Mom everyday, I miss you everyday, But you're here with me every step of the way, this I know!
 

Hmm, not really sure where to start with this so here goes.....

I listen to this video many many times, here lately a lot with Tyler. This song has so many meanings, messages, memories tied to it, it's hard to explain what it means to me, there's too many reasons! I can remember listening to this when you were still here Mom, at that point, the person I was "looking to" was God, for his strength, his guidance, his help knowing I was losing you, and it helped. Now, I listen to it and it is now a message from You Mom, such a beautiful message you are telling me. You're telling me "YOU" were looking to God, for him to take you, because all of your strength was gone, you needed him to shine on you. It's such a beautiful song, only a song that would explain my Mommie. 

And then there are times, all of my strength is gone, I want to be far away from the battle, I need you to Shine on Me, I look to YOU. That's when this song is pretty much like Me singing it to you. 

And now Tyler is battling the loss of his Dad, Scottie. It's crazy, he came to the house one night and we were sitting there talking to each other about grief, death, how do you survive each day, how do you keep moving? Tyler then said he listens to this song and just loves this song and next thing you know he has youtube up and plays this video! CRAZY!!! Needless to say, from that day forward, we have listened to this so so many times, sometimes we'll listen to it 3, 4, 5 times at once and he'll tell me what that sentence means to him as I would too, we've smiled, we've cried, sobbed, we feel each others pain, each others loss, and it's comforting to have that with someone. 

Dealing with the loss of someone who will forever own a piece of your heart, in my case, Mom, in Tyler's case, his Dad is so hard, some days you just have to take 10 minutes, listen to this, and ball your eyes out....but it's OK!! Nothing wrong with that! As long as can get back up and keep going! So to my nephew......We got this! We'll always be here for each other, always!