SUNRISE AT RIVER

Approaching the entrance of Sunrise at River Assisted Living and Memory Care, I walk along a cement sidewalk that has an inviting curve to it, past freshly-planted spring flowers,  and greet two somewhat elderly women – probably about my age - seated on the veranda.  This bright, inviting, well-cared for presentation on the outside carries through on the inside with large impressionistic-style paintings on the walls of the high-ceiling entrance, a cozy-looking library with a gas-burning fire on one side of the foyer and, on the other, a snack bar, which has the nostalgic feel of earlier times.    I am not only expected by the smiling young woman at the reception desk, but am greeted with her engaging energy that seemed to say “Here you are!  - and Welcome!”  Glancing down at the day’s schedule on the desk, I read:  Elder Circle with Patricia, 10:30 to 11:30 - TV Lounge. 

Twyla, a beautiful African American young woman, escorts me upstairs and together we arrange the chairs in a circle, leaving spaces with enough room for wheelchairs and walkers.  I feel a sense of relief that the large TV in the front of the room is not on as I didn’t want to try to talk over the TV or turn it off to the imagined consternation of those who may have been watching.  I notice a game table in the back of the room with several framed images of playing cards, dice and poker chips on the wall behind; a photograph of a young Gene Autry hangs on the sidewall.   

Ellen, serious looking with an open, wan face, is the first to arrive.  I say hello and introduce myself and Ellen says, “I don’t want to be here”.  I say, “You mean you don’t want to be in the circle?”  No, she says, I don’t want to be here; I want to be in heaven.  Ellen says she used to doubt that she’d get into heaven, but no more.  She “knows” she’ll get there and wonders why the good lord hasn’t taken her.  Maybe there’s something else she’s supposed to do but she doesn’t know what it is.   Ellen tells me that she had been to Elder Circle once before and didn’t like it, but came today, because Twyla told her she should.   Later when we all shared our ages, we learned that Ellen would be 99 in two weeks.   I was the youngest at 81; the others ranged in age from 82 to 99 with four of the eight of us in their nineties as well.

Glen joins us, traversing the space from the doorway to the circle of chairs with short, shuffling steps, followed by three folks in wheelchairs and two more – in addition to Ellen – with walkers.   

There are three who say they’ve never been to an Elder Circle and others who don’t remember if they have or not, so I talk briefly about what it is and go over the guidelines - speak from your heart, be brief, no crosstalk, what’s said in the circle stays in the circle, how we’ll use the talking piece, etc. and begin check-in with the question:  If you’ve been coming to Elder Circle, what do you like most about it or, if this is your first time, what would you like to get from this experience today.   I start with my name, answer the question I’ve posed and pass the talking piece to the woman to my right who has been smiling since she arrived in the room… smiling so much that I hadn’t looked into her eyes and noticed the blankness that stared back at me.   “Oops!” I say, taking the talking piece back, “that is not a very good question” – and I start again:  Please say your name and  tell us where you grew up.   I say my name and tell them I grew up in Kingsport, Tennessee in the smoky mountains and pass the stone again to my right.   Carla, still smiling, says with glee, “Everything’s fine, whatever…” which seems to be her standard reply to any question.  I ask again and she understands and tells us that she grew up in Mexico.  A little more lightness seeps into the room and some are cocking an ear.  Ellen is from Idaho, Glen grew up on a farm in North Dakota, Jeanmarie and Gloria tell us not only the name of the place where they grew up, but a little about it.  

Alice says she can’t remember and after some gentle but unhelpful prodding, I say, “well you live in Tucson now, right?”… and she seems relieved.  An aide arrives to take her to the bathroom and I ask her to please bring Alice back for the last 20 minutes or so.   

 Gloria tells us that she can’t hear, so there’s no point in talking… although after making that announcement she is occasionally responding to other’s comments.   Janet, a small woman wrapped in a white woolly shawl, tells us that she’s still sleepy and that she’s 94 and her memory isn’t very good. Relieved of any expectations, Janet begins to tell us about her daughter who manages her money and about how her older sister took care of her.  

We’ve gotten through the check in.   I had planned to read Marilyn Hein’s essay about Goodbye Lessons… with discussion questions about our life lessons… what we’ve learned, what we’ve had to unlearn and how we could pass along what’s most important to us.   I share a little about myself in this regard.   As I’m finishing reading the first page of Marilyn’s essay, I feel the light and energy in the room dipping so I stop and ask, “ Would you like to hear more of this or just talk”?    “Just talk”, says Glen and one or two nod in agreement.   I decide to prime the pump with a Sharon Salzberg quote that I like:

Faith, whether connected to a deity or not, it’s essence is 

to trust ourselves to discover the deepest truths on which 

we can rely”. 

Glen takes the talking peace and recites a quote from Shakespeare: 

Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we 

oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”  

He tells us that this quote has supported him in overcoming doubt and accepting challenges.   Those in the room who understood have moist eyes and one asks him to say it again, only more slowly. 

Ellen doesn’t want to say anything because  “…there’s too much to say”. 

Jeanmarie tells us how hard change is – about her husband who’s now on the Third Floor for “memory care”, and about the pain of having to move three times in the past year.

Alice is back in the room and an aide has just given Gloria her medication. We are ready for check-out.     I ask them to say their name and tell us what they might do in the afternoon that gives them pleasure or enjoyment.  Carla smiles and says  exuberantly, “Everything’s fine – whatever”.   Ellen says she enjoys walking the grounds and seeing the new growth, although the grounds aren’t kept up the way she thinks they should be  - and there is always reading.  Gloria’s greatest pleasure is her weekly visits from her grandchildren.  Glen’s greatest enjoyment is walking around the building six times everyday and adds, with pride and satisfaction, that he’s already completed his walks for today.  Jeanmarie tells us in a soft, tender voice that the “bright spot of every day” is going up to the Third Floor to have dinner with her husband. 

It’s 11:30 and aides appear to whisk their charges away.  We say our thank yous and goodbyes.

Ellen hangs back . “What you did today was good”, she says, “ but that doesn’t mean I’m coming back.”    

I wanted to hug this brave, beautiful lady.    

Note from Deb Knox... Thank Goodness Patricia was there for them.. and didn't have to deal with anything like this.  How I miss her!! 

April, 2014

Patricia Palmer

'Beliefs about ageing influence our ageing'. 

Arriving at OR Tambo Airport Jan 1st I remembered the first time arriving there together with Patricia. She was in her 79th year and I a bit younger. After retrieving our bagage I started pushing the cart. Patricia stopped me, held my underarm while looking me straight into the eyes and said ' Would you please never do that again?

Later that evening we had a glass of wine and she shared her thoughts with me. About the importance of protecting our beliefs and how others act from their own beliefs, about themselves and about you. Since our beliefs (indirectly) create chemistry in the body - and this is true for all of our beliefs about ourselves - we do have influence on how we age. Knowing very well how our beliefs influence our health and well-being I nevertheless had never given any thought to creating healthy beliefs around ageing as such. Patricia did. And it showed. 

She practiced what she preached. As she did in each and every area of her life....