We are at the 3 year mark since Mom passed. I’m not sure with time passing if things have become easier. I do know there are many things surrounding Mom’s illness and death that continue to disturb me. I love my Mom very much and what I’m about to write doesn’t negate that. However, I’m also aware that many family members come to this site. I refuse to sit in silence any longer.
Mom was an incredibly independent woman. She was an incredible professional accomplishing many things. She was a great Mom but had her issues with personal things that happened in her life. Within this family exists a darkness that has caused pain for many people. This is not mutually exclusive to one person. The emotional stability of the entire family whether aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, in-laws, etc. contributed to many decisions I have made and Mom had made. There were times when Mom and/or I went into seclusion from the family because of the negativity and opinion about life’s direction. Their comments were frequently borderline abusive and certainly became abusive during Mom’s illness and death. Mental illness runs deep in this family and something that I am no longer afraid to admit nor afraid to face. However, that mental illness has caused serious and unnecessary hardship through Mom’s life and as her child, mine. I dealt with many of the things that happened during childhood. However, a person who was supposed to be a partner during Mom’s illness, did not. The person who did not deal with his/her childhood issues contributed to an incredible amount of disturbing conversations when Mom was ill. This person was/is also in psychiatry and his/her lack of understanding surrounding Mom’s mental illness is disturbing to say the least.
Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 brain and lung cancer. She had 23 lesions on her brain. At the time, I was working in another state and with an employer who refused to approve my FMLA until I resigned. My ex-fiance and I moved to be near Mom to care for her at the end of life. The move was done with nothing but love in intent. While caring for Mom, I began to have serious reactions from her chemotherapy including blistering rashes and bloody noses. I was told by a physician to stop caring for Mom because I had an active infection and because of the strain it was placing on my body. This was around the same time Mom had dismissed my partner who was helping me care for Mom. That dismissal was based on two people who both had mental health issues that solely came out in anger and words of destruction. I tried to tell Mom about the blistery rashes and bloody noses and she pretended like she didn’t hear. She became verbally abusive. I was grieving, very ill, living in poverty, dealing with a verbally abusive ex-fiance, and a cat that was about to die from having terminal cancer. I asked for help on the phone to one of the elders in the family. The response I received was, “If my sister wants to die, then so be it.” I got no help except, “I will come and take your Mom out to lunch.” Panic ensued. An attempt was made to get in-home health care for Mom which she angrily and forcefully denied. It was left up to me to care for Mom under my own physical health restraints and no help coming from anywhere I turned. I shut down. Completely and utterly shut down. I broke. The bloody noses became so bad I would have them in my sleep. This was around the same time keeping a roof over my head and food on the table became very difficult. Mom wanted me to do all of this without a job and a way to support myself. Homelessness was becoming a very real option.
I received a phone call from Mom’s neighbor who said that she was hallucinating in the front yard. This scared me and I called 911. My then fiancé had the car so I ran the two miles to see what I could do knowing that an ambulance and law enforcement were on their way. By the time this was over, Mom became so angered and verbally abusive and it was the last time I saw her.
I received multiple text messages from Mom. The last text message I received from Mom was, “Happy you kill your mother.”
I became aware of Mom’s passing because the funeral home called my sister letting her know that Mom had passed on April 13, 2014 and arrangements needed to be made. We found out later that arrangements had already been made. This was an angry and manipulative move on the family’s part and nearly terminal for me. I became suicidal. The family did not put me nor my sister in the obituary because they believed we treated her horribly but never asked either of us what had happened. They assumed and also believed a woman who had serious mental health issues along with 23 lesions in her brain.
I was never asked. The family never asked for the truth. They went directly into a force of hatred towards me. However, I realize now they also have the mental health problems that my Mom suffered from her entire life.
After my sister and I thought arrangements needed to be made, I knew there was a health insurance policy in Mom’s name to cover the expenses. We went to her house and the family, with the assistance of the neighbor, tried to have us arrested. Several weeks later, I was able to get my things from Mom’s house to only be ignored nearly the entire time. Most of my things taken except for clothes and few odds and ends. I stood as my uncle gave me his opinion about how things transpired. Again, he never asked what happened. Just assumed.
I have moved away since and the family door will forever remain closed.
This is the whole truth. Take it as you will.
Mental illness is not something to be ignored, played with, trampled on, judged, stigmatized or manipulated. Unfortunately, help never came to Mom so her end of life would be less frightening. This family has also judged those who are different. I have always been viewed as the misfit and judged highly for it. I have a cousin who was verbally tortured for being gay. And, people wonder why the end was not great.
I just hope for Mom that she is at peace. I hope that she didn’t stay to watch what happened after she passed. I love her and lean often on the times before her illness. I actually do believe that once the chemo and radiation started, Mom stopped comprehending reality. She had no idea what was happening. Therefore, what she gave was a result of 23 lesions. I have also done my research about brain cancer and lesions to understand fully the effects.
So, this is my newly written obituary for my Mother on the 3rd year anniversary of her death.
Patricia [Beatty] Harrigan – mother, daughter, animal lover, hard worker, fiercely independent – passed on April 13, 2014. She was deeply loved by her daughter, Michelle Harrigan (who knew nothing about personal agendas or hatred). Patricia lived her life the best she could and did an incredible job raising her children under severely difficult times. Her tenacity for survival and “get her done” attitude is a gift given to her children. Patricia loved easily but didn’t share that with many people. She had a growing respect in life for nature and the parts of life that weren’t easily understood. She loved manatees and would sit in silence for hours watching them; fascinated by their simplicity. Patricia never meant any harm to anyone although there may be some who disagree with that. She deserves to rest in peace by those who still live.
I love you Mom. It’s time for my life to soar again. I hope you watch over me and give me that ‘atta girl’ that you always gave me. I miss you with all my heart. I’m sorry that this could not have ended easier. However, it was not your fault. It was no one’s fault. No one is at fault. I love you and please….smile and go be with grandma.