When Russ and I saw the photos of you and Linda at Big Sur we promised ourselves we would return there, some of our first dates together were there.  We never made it back.  
But, in May this year, I returned with my niece and we sat in Big Sur River with Linda and remembered you.  You are still inspiring us

Today is the first Christmas that I have spent without you.  The week leading up to Christmas was difficult, I remember all of our trips at Christmas, all the laughs and all the love.  I wondered how to navigate the holidays without you.  You would be proud of Noelle, she has held my hand and guided me through this.  You were on our minds, I wore your sweatshirt today that made me feel a little better and connected to you.  I miss you, I keep you in my heart and I know that you are with me.
Merry Christmas Philly,
I remember and I carry you in my heart.

Phil always wanted me to see the color of the fall leaves in Colorado.  We had traveled the 70 across the Rockies once before but it was late and although we saw snow, he continued to tell me how he wanted to show me the yellow leaves.
My daughters and I just go back from a trip and we visited Colorado, we took moments each day to remember Phil.  This day we stopped on the Colorado River and just took in the color.
Happy Anniversary Phil, 23 years ago you began to give me happiness, joy and love.  I have the fondest memories of our "I do, I do wedding 15 years ago.  Today I'm left with the love and memories and I continue to love and miss you. The color of the foilage was breathtaking. 

Phil loved Bob Marley - His favorite tshirt had Bob Marley on it and he listened to him as often as possible.  Right after he was diagnosed with cancer he watched a biography on Bob, he wept as he listened to his story, it is a memory that will stick with me.
I read this quote today and it meant everything to me.
I miss him, I miss telling him what is in my heart, I miss his hugs and I miss his smile.  
He was my once in a life person......He loved me for who I am.....

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Not a day goes by that I don't have a memory of Phil.  Some days are harder than others right now.  The memories are carrying me through.  Phil loved chicken wings and the Jazz fest.  We were lucky enough one year to be able to camp at the Monterey Jazz Fest.  Because our van was small and most the other rigs were large, we lucked into being parked in the best spot right next to the big stage.  On the stage the first night was Herbie Hancock, it was simply a dream come true.  We laid in our van listening to the sounds of the jazz fest, falling asleep to the music of Herbie....just beautiful.  The whole weekend is like a dream.  We had fun, giggled, laughed, listened and watched as much jazz as we could take in.  One of my favorite photos of Phil is waiting in line to get his chicken wings, he must have eaten them every day of the 3 days that we were there.  I miss you Phil, I've been cooking wings, I must say I shed a tear each time I cook them.  I love you Phil.

Linda and I connected on Facebook through my niece a few years ago.  I admired her photos and her free spirit.  My husband Russ and I both started following Linda and then Phil, marveling at the car photos and the ocean scenes, but we never met in person. 
Fast forward to 2019, I’m finishing an out of town project in Gualala, a tiny coastal town in Northern California.  I decide to leave early and make the 2hour drive home.  Just as I pull onto Highway One, a car goes by.  I know that car, I’ve seen photos of it... I think - that’s Phil & Linda!  What are they doing here in this remote town?  I follow them into a parking lot and we finally meet in person.  
After much astonishment at such a chance encounter, we decide to stop at my friends house then go mushroom hunting.  Phil and Dibby bond instantly and we all just marvel at the serendipity of life.  We have had many happy visits since, with Phil and Russ supporting each other on their cancer journeys.  We will forever treasure the gift of love offered by Phil and Linda.  Rest In Peace dear Phil.

When we moved into our apartment, we knew that this would be our last home together.  Phil and I would talk about everything and we tried to make our living space cheerful and full of love.  I worked on a garden for privacy and peace.  It gave us both.  Phil and I grilled out back there, I loved gardening and the flowers brought us joy.  I would show my new buds or an insect I saw with him, he always humored me.  I wanted to show him the garden in the last few days, but he couldn't move from the bed.  I took this video, but his vision had gotten so bad he never got to see the video.  After he passed away the nurse sent our friends Candice and Michelle, Noelle and myself out to the garden to gather flowers.  We cut the most beautiful flowers and she placed them around him.  He had my Holly Hocks in his hand. He was just as handsome as ever and that sight gave me just a little tiny bit of peace at that moment.  I will miss you forever Phil.  I have many wonderful memories, they are carrying me through what we knew would be a hard transition for me.  I love you Philly.

Phil was the cook in our family.  He loved to cook, the kitchen was his and I stayed a bit fluffy around the waist due to this.  We loved to share our meals together.  Food was central in our house.  I rarely cooked and he preferred to be in the kitchen or at the grill.  This morning I'm looking at the kitchen and feeling an overwhelming sadness. Breakfast was our favorite meal and we made a point to spend time with each morning, just talking.  The last few months we got into a routine at 6:00 pm, to eat dinner and watch the Flintstones together, we loved that time together.  As Phil got closer to departing, he asked to watch the Flintstones all the time.  I think it reminded him of our dinner times.  We just stopped and spent time with each other. During the four years that he has been going through this, if he was feeling good, he was cooking.  I could see that his health was getting worse when he was not in the kitchen anymore.  We would laugh hard and loud over some of my attempts at cooking.  After he wasn't able to get out of bed anymore, he would coach me from bed in how to prepare meals.  My sister began getting us "Sun Basket" meals and they came with everything you needed to prepare meals. Phil loved these meals and looked forward to them coming.  I started to enjoy cooking, esp. because it gave him such pleasure.  Phil never forgot to say thank you, I'm proud of you or that was so good.  I think he was proud of me, he seemed to glow that I was trying so hard.  I am very sure he is with me each time I'm in the kitchen.  I miss you Phil.

This one is a quickie....I'm sure there will be more.....but one of my favorite memories is driving down highway 101 into the city after a day of fun. We are in our truck, 'Blue Adventure', with Linda and I in the backseat, and Kurt and Phil in the front. The sunroof is open, and this dense fog is just rolling down the hill. Suddenly, Prince's 'When Doves Cry' comes on the radio and Phil and Kurt know EVERY WORD, and start singing. Linda and I laugh like crazy from the back. 
GREAT memory!

07/13/2020

Well it wouldn't be like me if I didn't do a little razzing in my first post.  Big Papi I am going to miss razzing you! **Mucho Love**

So a long time ago when Mom, Phil and Noe were living in Eureka Springs, Ar we would go to the local watering holes and have quite the time.  There was always a story or fun memory to come out of these adventures.

But one of these fun nights led to some end of the night Chicken Dancing, ohhhhh you all know the song and dance, most commonly seen at wedding parties.

This one particular evening Phil imbibed on one too many adult beverages and while he did not actually join in for the chicken dance the next day when we were recounting the story of the previous evening for his foggy brain we added in that he got up and danced the chicken dance.  I think we had him convinced for a while, but he had some doubts, but even so we never relented to the fact that he did the chicken dance.  It was an ongoing joke/story for the years to follow. 

Well finally at the party of the century, Darin and I's wedding, we got Phil to actually do the chicken dance and Noelle as you can hear in the video was thrilled to capture it!

Love you Big Papi,
May you be happily chicken dancing in the sky....
-Nicole

(Sorry for the bad quality of video.  This was 2007 and Noelle still had an old school camera that when we digitized we lost some fluidity.)