I want to thank all of you for coming to this site to celebrate Bobby's life. He was a happy guy that wished for a celebration of his life and literally making life better for others above all else. I thought a lot about what to say about him because how do you sum up such a big person like Bobby. So I thought about what he would have said about himself and decided that he would actually say very little because he was always curious about learning about others and having them talk about themselves instead of talking bout himself. So I'll talk about the guy that I knew and lived with for nearly 14 years.
When I met him in Tahoe at Squaw, I had just bought a bunch of new Northface gear even though I didn't know how to ski. I wanted to look good and have all the right equipment. He was with his friend Matt Henderson wearing a crazy hat with purple hair on the top and lots of duct tape on his outfits. Later, of course, I learned the really really good skiers don't typically have brand new outfits. We sat next to each other in the bar (and why and how we ended up doing this funny because Bobby and I told some of the details a bit differently including who wanted to meet whom but we both wanted to meet the other). We talked about South Park, screensavers (I have no idea why), and agreed to meet for drinks after skiing. He loved skiing so much that even though I knew he wanted to get together and stay to talk, he wasn't willing to give up the day's powder for a girl. Back then, he worked for Bacardi and was known as Bacardi Bob. I think it was also because his entire wardrobe had Bacardi written on it when we met for dinner later that day. Well, we changed that soon after thanks to J Crew and Banana Republic at the time. Anyway, he asked me if I would like to 'make some turns' later and you could tell it was like his way of saying I want to see you later today and trying to be a gentleman but only after skiing the powder. Our dating life revolved around skiing and I almost got killed a few times. We went to Tahoe, Mammoth, Utah and every time we would be on a lift I kept asking him if the run was a "blue" and he was never sure but would always say "it's not really hard. You can get down." Well, he took me down moguls on our second date on the first run in Mammoth and I totally screwed up my ankle. He took me to the bar, the Yoddler, gave me a Advil and a pack of ice and then asked me if it was ok for him to get more runs in and come back in an hour. He later said that was a dating faux pas. That's when I knew he loved skiing A LOT! He used to make a snow potion from his days in Stowe, Vermont with his hilarious buddies. I'll spare you the details but it involved putting in a single pubic hair into the potion. He said winter of 2011 in Tahoe sucked because there was no snow potion made.
He was the same way with cycling. He said it gave him clarity of mind, got his "endorphins going" and that's where he got his happiness and energy. He literally needed exercise to be happy. He was always trying to balance the amount of riding and skiing with the time to spend with me and later in our life with Kiana. For a short period of time he didn't bike as much and I told him that I would like to have him keep his six pack abs and 'side abs' so he best make the time and get out on the bike. Once every few weeks i would get a call from him that would go something like "Honey, I need to buy a brake for one of my bikes and it's $800. Is that ok? Can we afford it?" That made me laugh every time because for one, he hardly spent any money on anything but coffee, biking, skiing, me, and Kiana. But also because if I had to call him every time I spent $800, well, we would be on the phone a lot. But that's how Bobby was: generous for others and more conservative for himself. He always said guys are simple: "We just want peace and quiet and happy spouses."
He loved reading, discussing his readings with his friends over wine, Scotch, and a cigar. I know many of you remember these deep conversations that showed his curiosity and desire to always learn. He thought all of our friends were extremely intelligent and amazing people. And he was and is right.
And Seinfeld. Oh Gosh, he loved Seinfeld. He felt life was a big episode of Seinfeld. We watched it and laughed as hard as the first time all the time. I think we have 30 episodes on our DVR right now. Right now, I think he's saying "Serenity now" and laughing that he has it. He almost had me convinced a few times to do festivus for the rest of us and invite friends to bring their grievances. Don't be surprised if I do that next year. I will be the queen of my castle for sure!
And Kiana. Love of his life. We kept a casual journal of things we did with her by our bed. His last entry in June of 2012 is about how he taught her to bike and took off the training wheels in one day's attempt. That was incredibly special. He was so so proud and wrote so. He also bought her first pair of skis, boots, and helmet and took her to ski before she turned 2. Day before his passing, we went to Squaw and practiced skiing with her. He would hold out his ski poles behind him and called himself the 'reindeer', Kiana would grab them, he would pull her up a small hill, she would ski down to me where I would catch her. It was a blast.
Every morning, he would set his alarm for sometime after 6, get up with Kiana, make his espresso in his white terry cloth robe (he taught Kiana how to make espresso with him), then they would play Ponies (or Barbies or a made-up game) for 20-40 minutes, then he would often get me coffee, and then it was my turn to take over. In the summer, he swam with her at Courtside all the time or went to the beach. He was so proud when she learned to swim last year. They really really had fun. I remember watching them attentively many times, taking pictures, videos and just being amazed at his energy. I always thought I needed to be more like him in that way. I have an incredible amount of videos and pictures of his goofyness including rapping the entire Sugar Hill Gang song "Rappers Delight" to Kiana when she was only a few months old. And yes, he was a white boy but he could dance with amazing rhythm.
His friends: He always talked about his friends from various times of his life. From childhood in various areas, University of Florida and his fraternity (oh so many stories, many inappropriate), Boston and Stowe crew, Manhattan Beach crew, work friends, biking buddies, skiing buddies, Tahoe, Kiana's school, our neighbors...somehow he always generally knew what everyone was up to. His way of communication was quality and not quantity. He enjoyed 1:1 talks and asked a lot of questions. He was an amazing listener. Truly was.
He was incredibly intelligent and good at many things but humble. You never heard him say he was an amazing skier, biker, generally amazing athlete, or knew so much about so many topics, or how much he gave to or helped others, or anything else about himself at all. In fact, I can't recall a single time when he talked about himself being really great at something and there was so much he was incredible at...He truly felt actions speak louder than words. He often said "I can't understand why people need to talk about so many things vs. just go do them." By the way, he would want you all to know that he could juggle 3 balls and ride a unicycle at the same time only because it's so silly. He did that at UF and somehow girls loved him. He would not want you to know that he had a six-pack and side abs but I want you to know that. I used to tell him weekly that he was handsome and hot and he would just laugh and in many instances he would point to himself and say "right now?" which was sometimes when he had just woken up, had his biking outfit on (which he felt no one looked good in)...but he was a beautiful person inside and out.
As with many things, Bobby always thought there is something to be learned about each and every experience. So I thought about what he would have wanted all his loved ones to learn from his life and here are a few practical things. I know he would want me to say these to you all and if he can help make something a little better in your life for you, then he'll smile in the heavens:
- Play. It keeps you young and a child at heart. If you have kids, play with them actively (Swim with them, jump with them, engage in their pretend play) and experience the joy of being a child. If you don't have kids, play with your friends whether it's hilarious or philosophical conversations, or enjoying an activity together where you are engaged with each other and learn about and from each other.
- Talk about the inevitable in life and wishes with your loved ones. What would you want of your spouse, significant other, family and friends when you pass? It's not a morbid conversation but one you will be glad you had when the time comes. Most of what I'm doing for Bobby's celebration of life are due to his wishes. He wanted to be cremated with his ashes scattered over the mountains in Tahoe. We agreed that I needed some of him to stay home with me so I can talk to him when needed and compromised on half and half. Do your living trust and have a lot of life insurance. The last thing you want your loved ones to worry about are finances and the rest of their living life.
- Help others: You don't need a lot of time or money to do it. Pick something that matters to you and do something about it. Doing something is often best especially if you have children so they can learn from you. Take them to serve food for the needy or create something for others to enjoy. Teach them to make the world a bit better than they found it. The charities chosen for Robert are the National Brain Tumor Society (because of a couple of friends of ours dealing with challenges), Turning Wheels for Kids Buidling Bikes for the underpriviledged kids year round (a local charity in Los Gatos), Sugar Pine foundation in Lake Tahoe.
- Know your neighbors: Where you live, your community, and how you live and contribute matter to you. Get to know your neighbors up and down the street and around the corner. It will enrich your life and theirs.
- Mend the strained or broken relationships because someday you or the other person will pass and you don't want regrets. I'm proud to say there was nothing of significance left unsaid, unresolved, or on my or Bobby's wish list that we should have said or not said to each other. That made me exhale in relief within a couple of hours of finding out about his passing. I am so glad I don't have to mourn that or wish for something that I can no longer do with him or say to him.
- Do that one thing you keep putting off: Play the guitar, take that trip, do that bike ride, etc. No time is perfect. Just do it.
- Most importantly don't sweat the small stuff. Life has challenges that come and go. No one will talk about how great you were at your job or how much money you had, or what you wore, what you drove, your hair or even shoes (I know, this one saddens me!) when you pass. But they will remember your small acts of kindness, your core and heart, your soul, your contributions to the world and that will live forever.
I look around the room and know that amazing people collect other amazing people. We lost one amazing guy but you guys live on and I am so blessed to have all of your in my and Kiana's life.
Bobby, we love you and always will. Kiana says my daddy lives in the stars and is magical. You were magical in life and will be after. I will be talking to you every night and promise to live my life to its fullest based on the very lessons I learned from you. If table were turned, I would want the same thing for you. You would not expect any less of me and vice versa. I'm a better person because of you. You promised me to visit me, guide me through life, and always be there. But remember you also told me when you visit you won't do anything freaky like move pictures on the wall. You will live through Kiana and me and all your friends and family in one way or another for eternity.
I love you. Asheghetam.
