ForeverMissed
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Lessons

January 3, 2016

I think about my dad often. I tell stories to people in my life now that never got the chance to know him. While I’ve had a difficult couple of years with the embarrassment of losing my job as a police officer, I know my dad would have supported me emotionally and told me that my job shouldn’t have defined me as a person. He would tell me to look back on the experience of a twenty year career with pride. He would tell me that they were all “a bunch of assholes” that I worked with. We often talked about our careers as cops, sharing stories of our battles. Our battles weren’t always with the “bad guys”; many times we shared our battles with our co-workers. I seemed to follow in my dad’s footsteps in many ways. People either love my dad or hated him, I fell into that same envelope. While we both had many who thought we were charming, smart, charismatic and humorous (and humble lol), there were plenty who thought we were smug and arrogant. We liked to say those were the ones that just didn’t “get” us. We often laughed over our detractors and figured we would always rise above and that they would remain miserable. And as usual, he was right. I allowed my job define who I was for far too many years. I allowed the job dictate who I allowed into my tight circle. I gave up too many days of fun with friends and family so that I could be available for callouts. And while I did not have the chance to come to that decision on my own, I am grateful for the lesson. I used to run through life in a hurry, always feeling like I needed to accomplish more and more professionally. I now realize that was a mistake. I needed a reason to slow down and let more people into my life.
I have discovered a new set of friends who share my love of music and concerts. I met the love of my life. A wonderful man, Tony, who stuck with me through the hardest time in my life. He braved the worst of me to get to the best of me. I’m in a good place right now.
I know that I am strong because of the lessons my dad taught me about life while I was growing up. I knew that it was natural and okay to be sad and that I was in charge of my own happiness. I knew that there would always be “assholes” to deal with in life, but to never to become one. I miss you every day dad. I know I am who I am because of your love and devotion to us, your children. We always felt special and loved.

Jazz Festival

May 17, 2011
04 'Tis Autumn

Bob invited me to stay at "Trail's End" (?) for the Jazz Festival in Port Townsend at Fort Worden. I brought my trumpet and got the invitation to "sit-in" with the great Bobby Shew, world renown jazz trumpet player. During the festival, while I was playing, Bob was approached by the woman in the photo , who happened to be on the board of the festival and wanted to know who I was. Well, Bob , being his charming self, Invited her and her friend to dinner at "Trail's End" where she could hear my CD, "Straight From the Heart."  As the photo reveals, she accepted the invitation. As it turns out, Bob only had some chicken in the fridge, for which they had a good recipe. They offered to prepare dinner, which was for the best. We enjoyed dinner with some of Bob's select wine , from Spain. The evening was a smash with my album playing, and some great conversation about jazz, Bob giving his famous tour of the premises. I remember making a toast at dinner, "to long lasting friendship", and sheading a tear. This photo is so appropriate to this occasion.

Ode to my Old Mate Bob!

January 23, 2010

Ode to my Ole Mate Bob

 

I have to admit it has been a challenge writing this- and have attempted it several times before. Now that I have traveled from Spain to be with Bob’s children- my deep and longstanding friends since 1976- and, having sat a his own desk with a glass of red wine next to me, it is easier for this Englishman to pay homage to this wonderful man.

 

I remember very clearly the day I was introduced to Bob by my best mate Scott- his son. Bob- always engaging and welcoming- set about me with diverse questions, testing- what I felt was- my mettle. This was to form the foundations of a longstanding friendship with this powerful, generous and challenging man- but would also take the backdrop to our relationship. For although in later years we found more and more things in common, and I was fortunate to spend more time with him, and to receive his counsel and guidance- that was always unflinchingly and generously given when asked for. Though we must also admit that we rivalled in some areas- as would naturally be so for a patriotic Englishman and an Irish blooded American- but our differences always lasted minutes only. Even though he had many things very clear in life, I think it is also fair to say that there were some things he could not accept. We shared in many areas, from ideals, politics, humour, wine, cigars, whisky, food, travel, cars…and views on the female side of society. Indeed he recommended all of us- his boys- read The Manipulated Man by Esther Vilar. Good grist for the mill in later years, even though we didn’t fully share his total enthusiasm for it’s contents.

 

Bob was a giant of a man in many ways- his handsome square features made him immediately attractive to most women and equally challenging to most men- his presence filled most rooms. Aided by a charming smile and easy tongue for conversation in whatever subject he fancied propelled him easily into most peoples high estimations. A tall six footer, he ambled with an easy gait that made him instantly recognizable. As we all know, though, not every weakling individuals warm to power, and he did have his detractors, as he knew too well, though he never seriously lamented this. Always sharp in intellect, he never lacked for conviction. Almost always argumentative and occasionally and apparently unfair, one soon realized that this was his tactic- as a stubborn Taurean, he would probe his opponents with phantom arguments- only to withdraw gracefully when  he knew he could push the point any further, with an easy laconic smile on his face. Some would find him infuriating and our conversations on Religion were a case in point- but there were many others- hell, he wouldn’t have all the answers, but he would damn well make out he had all the bases covered!

 

Whilst living in Seattle learning to fly helicopters, we spent quite a considerable time together enjoying the social life in the City and in South Bend where he had set up home. Later, we made fantastically memorable trips to Las Vegas and a five State trip in an open top white Mustang to discover these magical places that make the USA a fantastic place to visit. We marveled and argued, drank and eat, and felt alive in our travels. The memories of those wonderful times – and many others- are immortalized on my camcorder tapes. Visits to London, to my wedding, to my home in Spain, to parties in Spain with my friends, where he was always appreciated, admired- nay loved- contributed to his reputation for being jolly good fellow.

 

Years later, as his health began to fail, I made visits to him to see what he was up to and- of course- indulge in our intense and sometimes conflictive relationship. I remember with fondness taking him on a marvelous trip to see the coastal areas of Oregon and visiting the Evergreen Flight Museum- as I do the fun conversation we held a couple of days before his passing. We shared many enjoyable moments and visions together and I was glad to have spent some time with this wonderful man. And in my sadness I feel that the America I love is and respect is a little further away from me than before- I don’t know why. So I dedicate this poem to him:

I asked for strength….and God gave me difficulties to make me strong,

I asked for wisdom…and God gave me problems to solve, 

I asked for prosperity….and God gave me a brain and brawn to work,

I asked for courage….and God gave me danger to overcome,

I asked for love…and God gave me troubled people to help,

I asked for favours….and God gave me opportunities,

I got nothing I wanted…But I received everything I needed.

 

In his passing his family and friends are immeasurably poorer and will miss Bob tremendously- he was quite simply irreplaceable- one of a kind, a diamond of a man. Whilst we all suffer in our sadness, and miss him, we will ensure that his legacy lives on and shines bright- for my thoughts of him make me smile in my good fortune at having spent such good times with such a genuinely good man.

 

Thank the Lord for that- may Bob live forever in our memories and his lamented Soul rest in Peace!

 

Godspeed Bob…until we meet again.

 

The Ongoing Repairs and Polishing of his Porsche.

January 19, 2010

Bob will always be Mr. Cleary to me. Growing up on Corte Norte in Ignacio, Mr. Cleary was the "Cool" Dad. there were other fathers of friends in the neighborhood, but Bob was different. Mr Schnur and Mr. Harais would possibly put you to work if you happened to stop by while they were doing something.  Many times with nothing to do I would approach Bob as he was fiddling with the Silver Porsche and he would take the time to talk and show me what he was doing that day to his pride and joy. Being that he owned such an exotic car in a neighborhood surrounded by Fords, Chevy's and Chryslers, imagine the thrill when he said " go ahead and sit in it"! I can still remember the smell of the red leather  and grease from that toy of his. I still think of him to this day when my back goes out and I do the hunched over walk he used to do when his was acting up. Barbara, Robin, Scott and Tyler. A toast to the Coolest Dad on Corte Norte, Mr. Bob Cleary

Great and Fun Friend

January 11, 2010

Once Upon A Time....back in about 1968, Tom and Bob were transferred from their respective district police stations in SF to the Hall of Justice in the Dept. of Planning & Research.  They instantly hit it off with each other thus beginning a long standing, great and fun friendship.  They did their share of planning & researching, but also had some laughs and a lot of "party-time" together.  Barbara and I got introduced via a dinner at their house.....more "clicking" and we all became instant friends.  That first night as we drove to their house in Novato from our SF apt., we said: "Who would live this far away from The City?......certainly not us!"  Well, that proved wrong as Bob encouraged Tom to look at real estate in the area.  Long story, we did and have been here in the same house for 41 years.  Go Figure!  We have never regretted that decision.  Thanks for that, Bob.

I worked in SF as well, so often times Bob, Tom & I would commute together.  Mostly on Fridays...so, after work in order to avoid the heavy Fri-nite commute traffic home, we could go across the street from the Hall and kill time at one of the local PD bar hangouts:  "The Gavel" or "The In Justice"Embarassing as it is to admit, we were young and stupid cuz we'd drink and then drive home.....BAD!  Kind and sweet Barbara would always welcome us and have food prepared in order to feed and sober us up!  Barbara, I don't know how you put up with the three-Friday-night drunks!?!  One particular night as we drove up the Waldo Grade off the Golden Gate Bridge, Bob was in the back seat and said he was about to hurl.  Tom could not pull over, so I grabbed a handy kleenex box and he promptly used that!  Gross at the time, but funny later. To this day, I still supply my car with kleenex and think of him every time I make use of it......ah, only to blow my nose....no more d'n-&-d'n for us!!

At one point, Bob & Tom worked a 7pm - 3am detail in uniform.  Bob drove and left Tom off at our house.  He proceeded home via the back road.  Being it was the early-early morning and he saw no one around, he pulled a "Hollywood Stop" at the stop sign next to San Jose School...rolling slowly thru it instead of coimg to a complete stop.   Well, there was a Novato cop in waiting somwhere in the dark and ended up pulling Bob over w/red light & siren. Since he was dressed in his SFPD uniform and thinking he would be treated with professional courtesy, Bob got out of the car to greet the NPD officer and explained he'd just come from work, dropped a fellow officer off and was only a short ways from his home. However, the Novato cop proceeded to grill him as if he was a guy in a Halloween costume.  Hearing Bob relate the story was just too funny.  In the long run, he was let go....but with a warning!  Moral of the story:  No matter how early in the dark of morning, STOP!

Shortly after we bought our house, the retaining wall on one side gave way in a major rain storm.  Needless to say, the repair job was a huge one.  Bob was right there, despite his bad back, to help Tom dig & dig & dig to set up for the new wall.  See photo of the two rag heads posing with shovel and pick! 

Other snaps shots I found were of us at the Cleary house during two different Christmas holidays.  The ones dated 1970 show us all with shorter hair. One - Two years later, we had all joined the "long-hair revolution" (yes, even the cops!) and let our hair grow!  Looks like Barbara was still feeding us yummy food.....and, oh, yeah, I guess we were inbibing in liquid libations as well.

Scott, Tyler and Robin, not having our own kids, Tom and I very much enjoyed watching you all grow up and mature into your own distinct & charming personalities.  Both Bob and Barbara were always so proud of each of you. It was such a brave, wise and wonderful decision to have you all go away to Spain as a family.  What a priceless experience that I'm sure you will treasure always.  

Tom & I will always remember Bob fondly and with lots of love & laughter.

We hope your difficulites at this time are softened by the wonderful memories that linger in your hearts.

LOVE, Tom & Marilyn x0x0x0x0

 

 

 

 

Wonderful Father In Law/WFIL

January 9, 2010

I have so many stories about Bob it's hard to decide on just one.  Anyone who knew Bob knows how important his family was to him.  He loved his kids and grandkids more than anything else in the world. As his daughter-in-law, Bob also extended that kindness and generosity to me. 

I can't really say that I got Bob or understood him in the beginning.  While I instantly thought he was kind, charming, and witty, I also found him to be very stubborn and frustrating to deal with at times.  I would share my thoughts with Scott and he would always say "You just don't know Dad well enough yet.  I know that you are really going to like him." 

Sure enough Scott was right.  Over time, I finally realized that the reason I found Bob so frustrating was that he challenged me like no one else had ever challenged me before.  If he didn't agree with something I was saying, he would tell me so and wouldn't back down.  Over the years I had countless conversations with Bob about all aspects of life.  It was not uncommon for me to call him and "chat" for two hours.  We often chatted about the boys and the trials and tribulations of being a parent.  By challenging me and not automatically agreeing with everything I said, Bob helped me become a better parent and person in general.  I didn't always like what he had to say but I always respected what he said because I knew he had my best interest at heart. 

After Bob's first stroke, he was no longer able to talk on the phone for hours on end.  I missed our long conversations but still looked forward to a brief chat.  Bob always loved to hear stories about what the boys were up to.  I am certainly going to miss Bob's presence.  However, I know he will always be watching over us.  I am sure he will be smiling at the boys' shenanigans during their teen years.  I am also quite certain that he will be laughing at me as he watches me "cope" with the teenage years.  I am comforted by the fact that Bob's spirit lives on through Scott and our boys.

With love,

Donna/a.k.a. "Deena"

Lori Brockhage-Nethery

January 7, 2010

I am so sorry about the loss of your father..I remember him well and know right now he is have a glass(bottle) of very expensive  wine w/ my Mom (barbara #2) I know she loved him very much and shared many wonderful adventures w/ him. He was a class act as was my Mom...I wish you peace..I will always think of him w/ a big smile on my face..

The Water Spicket

January 6, 2010

I had the biggest crush on Tyler in 8th grade so occasionally, I would talk Denise Delacio into spying on him with me. Tyler and Scott shared a room at the front of their house so Denise and I would take turns standing on the water spicket so that we could look in their window.

Well one night, Tyler must have been doing something especially funny like practicing his muscle poses in the mirror (sorry, but you know you did Tyler - lol) and we started laughing so hard that Scott heard us and came outside. He caught us spying and standing on the water spicket and just started yelling about how we were going to break the spicket. (I think he may have been especially angry because he thought we may have seen more than we did because what high-school kid really cares about the water spicket attached to the house as long as it's not their fault that it breaks?)

Scott was causing such a commotion that Mr. Cleary heard him from inside the house and came outside, wondering what was going on. Scott proceeded to tell him about how we were spying and about how we were going to break the water spicket (thanks Scott - lol). We were kind of scared at that point because we all knew our parents got mad at us when we broke things (especially other people's things), but  Mr. Cleary just smiled and I could tell, even then, that he was trying not to laugh at the whole situation. Not only did he not care about the water spicket or us spying on his sons, he even offered to give us a ride home.

Mr. Cleary was such a kind, understanding, good father. I will always remember him and miss him.

Tiffany Young

"Mr. Cleary"

January 6, 2010

I have know "Mr. Cleary" since elementary school. I had the honor of knowing him well into my 40's....I could see that he was a special father/man when he still would get VOLUNTARY kisses goodbye from his sons well into middle school if not beyond.

Bob was a witty, charming and intelligent man with many stories to tell. I remember talking with him into the wee hours in the morning when he, Tyler and Scott visited me at the ranch in Montana. They were taking their annual father/son trip and I had the pleasure of witnessing part of it.

I'm joining the "Cleary Clan" in celebrating Bob's life. He raised amazing children, traveled and and lived an authentic life!

Tyler, Scott and Robin now have a guardian angel that is larger than life!

Cheers to you "Mr. Cleary".....You made a difference....

Love continues...

~Corinne Rutner Afanasieff

 

 

Dad

January 6, 2010

 

Thanks for all of your well wishes. I am at peace with dad’s passing. The last couple of years have been challenging for him physically. The strokes took their toll on his quality of life. He would say that he had a “great run” for 69 years before the original stroke. A representative from the Neptune Society called me on my drive home from Oregon to Washington. The representative had some questions for me and one was what dad’s occupation was. I responded, “Man of Leisure”. He laughed and asked me, “Really, what was his occupation?” I believe his “real” occupation was “Exceptional father”. I am so thankful to have had him show me how to be a devoted and supportive parent. He was always available for me when I needed his advice or just his ear. I am determined to measure my life’s work not in terms of title or money earned but on how my parenting compared to his. I want the kind of relationship with my sons that I have enjoyed with my dad. His legacy lives on in his kids and grandkids.

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