Rob made one of the most memorable entrances into my life. A lot of people show up in your life and it's hard to recall exactly what that first meeting was like, they just appear one day and your lives fold together. One clear bright early fall day my third grade teacher Mrs. Brown stood up to introduce a new student to the class. She mentioned that he had just moved here from Korea and we should warmly welcome him. In typical Rob fashion he strutted out with his little bowl haircut, white button down shirt and jeans confidently and grinned from ear to ear at all of us. He spoke perfect English with no accent and said a few words. As a special treat, his mom was in the back of the classroom and she was making fried wontons, as Mrs. Brown described them, later I found out they are called tuigin mandu in Korean. I sat patiently in my seat and awaited my turn. They were absolutely delicious. From that day forward Rob was my friend.
It's been hard to get myself to sit down and write about losing him. He passed away February 12, 2021 from COVID-19 after more than a month long stay in the hospital. The sadness around his passing is part of it, it's hard to face those feelings of loss, but also it's been hard to look at and examine a friendship that was so foundational. Having known each other since we were eight years old the fabric of our lives was woven in such a way that the patterns of who we became were created from those experiences of our early years. I know if I forgot some detail I could probably just ask Rob and he'd remember it. All that overlap of teachers, school, friends, teen years, community, activities, parties, play, beach trips, turtles, cardinal puffs, inside jokes, history that can only be understood by those who were there.
We went through elementary, junior high and high school together and remained friends ever since. On trips back home, the first people besides my family I talked to were always Will and Rob. In high school we shared a group of mostly guy friends, Rob, Will, Chris P., Chris G., and Pat. Mary (Rowe) Salm and I were the two girls in the group. When we'd all get together we'd spend hours talking about anything and everything, while drinking terrible cheap beer or wine coolers (yuck!). When I think back on it, I feel a lot of gratitude to this group of friends, we really listened to each other and everyone's opinion and perspective was equally valid, no one person dominated the conversation.
Every Friday after football games we'd all meet up and go get pizza or hang out at Chris G.'s house. Rob was always there connecting with everyone. He didn't know a stranger or an enemy, everyone was friends with Rob. Why wouldn't they be? He was funny, friendly, super smart and always fun to talk to. He had a diplomatic way about him and he was able to relate to people in different groups. There weren't a lot of other Asian kids at our schools but that didn't seem to be an issue for him. We got up to a lot of shenanigans some of them were memorable times and others I'll never be able to recall no matter how hard I try. Rob was there looking out for me when I needed him.
After high school our lives went in different directions as happens, but we still made an effort to stay in touch. I'd go visit from college or later San Francisco, and we'd catch up without missing a beat. There was a period of years where he seemed to disappear into some darkness, and I worried and hoped that he would find his way out. He surfaced a couple of times, during that and I just tried to be there for him as his friend. When he finally found his way out he returned true to form and even better. He dedicated himself to learning to be a nurse and every time I went home he told me about his progress.
The last time we saw each other in person, March 2019, he had just begun seeing a lovely woman. I had noticed the pictures on Facebook and mentioned it to him and told him that I was happy to see him so in love. He told me that when he connected with his new lady he told her that if they were going to be together she was going to have to love him all the way. She accepted that condition, and I could see how that with that agreement something new opened in him. He had so much to share and a really big heart. It gives me a lot of joy to know that Rob experienced love in that way. He was such a good person and seeing that was beautiful.
When I got the message that he was sick and in the hospital, I started reaching out to him. We exchanged messages and I knew he was in an uncertain position. In our last few messages I was able to tell him how important he was to me. I'm glad I had that chance. His lady Cynthia was there for him throughout that ordeal and we all tried to hold both of them in our hearts. She deserves much gratitude for how she was able to be there for him and to keep us all up-to-date on his condition. I know it wasn't easy and still isn't for her. It was very sad when the decision to no longer fight came, but I feel that he was able to go in peace knowing that he was loved by many and especially by one.
A couple of weeks after he died I had a dream about him. I was at a restaurant in the forest somewhere and he came in and said, "I'm so glad to see you." I said "Likewise" and we hugged a big long hug. Then he asked me if he got to come back and I shook my head and said, "I don't think so." He disappeared, and I woke up angry at myself for not finding a way to help him linger to have a little more time but I had to speak the truth.
See you on the dance floor, friend.
