June 6, 2021
June 6, 2021
Rodney my love, it’s only been 16 days since I lost you but it seems like an eternity since I looked into those beautiful blue eyes, or kissed those warm sweet lips. I feel like when you passed everything inside me died with you. I have always been a fairly positive person but now all I feel every second of every day is excruciating pain and a rage I cannot explain and know isn’t rational. I’m so enraged at everyone on earth. I look at everyone and all I can think is why are they alive and the love of my life isn’t. It angers me to a boiling point. It’s not fair, I’ve lost SO many loved ones, especially recently but none compares to you. The loss of you has crippled me to complete and utter devastation. I know now what true human suffering is. Everyone keeps telling me that I’m strong and will be alright but the truth is I was only strong because you made me strong. With you by my side I was untouchable unstoppable, I feared nothing. I truly do fear nothing now. I’ve already lost EVERYTHING, so I absolutely fear nothing. Not even death. Actually for once in my life I look forward to death, knowing it will release me from this painful hell of this God forsaken world, and I can rejoin you. Which is my Heaven. I go where u go, anywhere that may be at anytime I will always go where you go. I am truly nothing without you by my side. You made me who I am, I was always strong with you by my side. It’s not fair that all these people who goes around cheating on their spouses not caring one bit is still allowed to be together while you and I had a very special bond. You weren’t just my husband you were my better half, my very best friend and my entire heart and soul, my reason for living. The billions and billions of people in this world that God could’ve taken. The useless evil deceptive people on this planet and God takes the “1” that I love most, the one I needed the most. If he needed you fine, but he should’ve taken me too. I knew one day we would pass on but I thought it would be when we were old or we would go together. That’s how I wanted it to be. Remember just a couple weeks before your passing we talked about this very things. We agreed that when we were old we would hold hands with one hand and each have a pistol we would fire at the same time so we could go together. You were never supposed to go first and DEFINITELY not this soon!!! When your old and one dies, you know you don’t have many years left anyways, but for me I’ve probably got another 30-30 years here without you!! Just the thought of that makes me want to eat a bullet. There is NOTHING left here for me in this world, I didn’t get a choice in it either, I’m being forced to live in this Godforsaken world where I don’t want to be without you and a future of excruciating pain and anger. I’m done, the thought of a world without Rodney Hicks in it is NO world I want to be ANY part of!! I can’t do this baby!! I am so sorry to let you down but I’m just not that strong, this is the one thing I cannot overcome no matter how hard I try. Each day I wake up hoping it all had just been a bad dream, I reach for you in bed before I realize it wasn’t, then i cry for about 30 minutes before literally forcing myself to get up. Afterwards I struggle thru the day staring at walls n listening to the deafening sound of silence. At night I stare at the place you always set on the couch and talk to you, before crawling into our big empty bed and remembering how it use to be my favorite time of day. You would have your strong arm under my pillow and stick your hand out of the top so I could hold it. You would spoon me and have your other strong arm around me with my arm on your and hold your other hand too. How I would always let u put my top leg between your legs. We slept that way every night and when you rolled on your back, I would put my head on your chest and go to sleep listening to the sound of your heartbeat. You would have your arm around me and stroke my hair and play with my ear. I’d have my top leg over your legs and my free arm wrapped around your stomach or on your chest. God I miss you holding me SO much. EVERYTIME I get into the bed I think of it, I cry myself to sleep now holding your tee shirt. That’s my life for the next 20-30 years? No thank u, I JUST WANT TO BE WHERE YOU ARE!!! Is that too much to ask? I don’t so. Please baby ask God to make sure the kids are taking care of and to take me too... to where you are. I just wanted to be with you. There’s nothing left for me here. I love you baby with everything inside me, and hopefully I’ll be seeing you soon! Xoxo