Hey hun, God it seems like an eternity already & its only been 9 months. I desperately hope your whole, happy & healthy. I hope you've gained the wisdom to know how :ery much I loved you & best of intentions goes both ways. I cant sleep & u see why, I cannot be who others want , expect or need me to be. I am learning who I am alone, capable & almost independent. Your so missed hun, our eyes searching for you .. thank you for all the times you show up, we cling to them desperately praying it's you ...& your ok & are still w us
Ya know, all I ever wanted was for you to be the sober you, us. It kills me.
I love you hun. I always will. ♥️

I cannot do this tonight. the day has been to long & hard w out you.
i have nothing left except i love you.

6 months 180 nights without you. Well roj, tell me am I better off? Do i seem happy now? you never believed me how much I loved wanted & needed you. DO U SEE IT NOW?
I'm trying so hard & i have small victory's but so may more losses. I honestly get to the point of giving up at least once a day. I sometimes think this isnt what youd want me to be doing but then i think a) you know me enough to know this is exactly what id be doing & b) Its your fault i am where i am.
I wage war inside me every day. loving you hating you missing you, relief from worry..... my brain is scrambled & im struggle ing to get it straight. even at the end of all this all i can say is i still love you now if not more, im sorry, id give anything to have you back. anything

I wrote this for you on Thanksgiving... I love you.

None of its you

i cant get enough of anything, 
becuz none of its you.
I've tried everything,
from booze to pills but
theirs a hole in me
only your love could fill.
I smoke & drink
next days are rough
but it can be anything,
its never enough. 
I told u n told you, im not that tough.
I imagine you hold me till i fall asleep.
i never realized my love was so deep.
I pray you still want me as i look for signs
sent down from you
saying your mine.
that you still want me & our love was true,
that it was the demons &
the drugs that took you.
Or were you simply calling my name,
without ever knowing ill always feel blame.
I don't know why you made your choice that day,
why didn't you leave here?
why did you stay?
only to break my heart anyway...


missing you

hello my love i haven't been here recently , ive been texting you. just wanted to come show your page some love. we see you, your blue orb is always around.... holidays comin up.... idk how i will get thru w out you. i cant face it so im not going. i refuse to let everyone see me so broken. so pls visit them & then come to me. ill be here .. w out you. i miss you so much, the more i try n get up n be normal the more i feel your absence. I dont know how to do anything, when i talk to ppl i cant help saying your name. your all i kno. the silence after is deafening. then i feel embarrassed for making everyone uncomfortable. & its awkward. i feel bad but i cant stop myself from saying your name. I MISS YOU SO GODAMN MUCH . CANT SEEYHRU TEARS. I LOVE YOU ROGR

I knew Roger growing up but hadn’t seen him in 35 years. Kind of lost touch as kids do. I thought of him recently while telling my kids a story about his dog “Po”. Sorry to hear of his passing. He wasn’t dealt the greatest hand in life.

another night w out you. alone. imagining you holding me , kissing me, your mustache tickling my cheek. .. i can make it feel real most of the time but sometimes your fading.... i love you

hey hun, i just cant seem to believe this is really real. I'm sttin here watchin your team play 1st game of season & I keep waiting to hear you yell something, anything. But its just silence.
Things are so weird without you. I wish I could turn to you & just talk & look in your eyes or hug you & smell that manly I worked my ass off today . I don't know who to be without you. i feel awkward & unsure every step i take & each n every word i say or decision i have to make, without you. I dont know what to say or how to act. Apparently I haven't been being very nice.
I see it after, but in the moment i am so consumed by holding it together & not letting anyone see my all consuming agony & fear of judgements, if that were to happen, i try to say as few words as possible anymore. if You've been paying attention you know.
Why aren't you here?
just saw trailer for the new matrix...how can i watch w out you?
your a part of everything in my universe..!!
Did u remember our 10/12 ? remember we were at the willow & our teams were playin
well i looked at the schedule & yup on our 30th year anniversary our teams are playing ♡
While the willow is a bit far... I will be dedicating the ass whipping your teams going to get to you my love.
No seriously tho im betting I stay home for that one.
Im starting to feel the grief roll in... please help me.
i love you
forever

hey babe,me again. Thank u all for gettin off your a@es & helping rennie just in a nick of time. now watch over her & the baby thru recovery n delivery for that is what we do.
we rise
& so i will

hey
best of intentions, im listening. if the gift was from you thank you. babe, you gotta go help rennie & the baby! get mom & dennis n pj & all grams go help her.
im trying to see my way thru & im tryin but its not what id call livin my best life. Everything hurts. music tv silence day night alone or in a crowd. i ache for you. i feel like the walking wounded.... big gaping hole w just bones holding it up. I miss you so badly. but if your watching you know all this. is their such a thing where you are as regret? do you?
i wonder about it alot. i know they say your whole & happy but.... it rubs me the wrong way to imagine you HAPPY if your watching. yes i 100% hope you are at peace 100
but happy? hmmmm idk

hello baby,
can i tell you i bet you had zero clue how much your absence would leave a gaping hole in us did ya?
just like w pj its ripping us apart at the time we need to be together the most.
You thought i could handle this ? good one.
K well mad again n not giving a sh who thinks whatever. It was always us & thats how
in my mind we will always be
Don't mean i aint pissed, still your wife after all lol

hi hun , miss you so. trying to get thru , not easy or better. thank you for holding me the other night, i needed it so very badly, im sorry i fell asleep but as always felt so safe in your arms. i tried so hard to stay awake. so mad at myself.
i have to admit when i woke up i was so upset you were gone again but then i realized you were here! i felt your love and thats the sign i needed that what i believe is true.
i will love you forever.

missing you hard today babe. its sunday, our day, no phones no nothing. just you & me. God i wish you were here to hold me. so i could look into your eyes & see your love for me & tell you how very much i love you and always will. you cant spend over half your life w someone & not be changed. Adjusting for me is hard and its still so soon. 47 days without you is enough. too many.
i still cant grasp your really gone. the man , the plans, hopes & even still dreams.
its killing me today
i love you & miss you my love

Hi hun,
so alot is coming to light & im back on the roller coaster. However regardless of that & how i feel when i process it, I want to say to you now
Thank you for the beauty you saw in me & loving me your way so unselfishly for so long
Thank you for working hard & providing all the years we were raising the kids. Thank you for loving them & stepping up. They needed you.
Thank you for the years of sobriety. We had so many once in a lifetime dream moments but obviously our wedding on the beach at sunset in ST. THOMAS was so special. sober honest love. i will never forget it & will hold it until my last moment.
Thank you for loving Amber Logan & Rylee.
You were a GREAT PAPA to them & my heart breaks for you , them and all that will be missed.
Thank you for always remembering all my little princess items wherever we went. Making so many of my birtrhdays a national holiday or week ♡
Thank you for the camper years.
Thank u for supporting me thru school. i know i broke our deal & im sorry. Life happened. I did my best to contribute when we needed it.
Regardless of x,y,z THANK YOU for 3 years of sundays with peter . They got me thru, i think him too. And all the phone, commisary.. all of it. He loved you very much as I know you loved him.
Thank you for holding me all the nights & dreams after julie.
Even tho i did'nt know until too late, I thank you for coming here. I thank you for all the days you tried. ..
I hope I didnt forget anything important....
Thank you Roger.

hey... is this really real ?
i know it is, but how can this be?
Even settleling on the only logic that can give my heart peace, its still just not real.
I try & sleep in the days & then at night I put your pillows against my back & make believe your there sleeping, laying next to me.. your there.
As much as we kissed, touched, hugged... since ive been home & have not felt the daily comfort of human touch & i think its really makin me nuts. Titan is so sick if me hugging him! lol
Ive got 3 hugs since 6/28. Im just saying i really see the need for human touch & the drawbacks of not having it. i kno u know what i was thinking the other night .. u n pj prob laughing your asses off. dicks.
Babe, why havent u come? are you in the waiting place? Im waiting to see your face and hear your voice .. of course u know me i want more but jesus..please roger come soon. you can start w the weather idc just come.
Its funny how everyone always thought i made decisions. little do they know how much we would talk stuff over pros & cons & then youd be the hero or id be the B. It makes me laugh now bcuz i cant make a decision rn to save my life. I need you, you know everything, all the loopholes & back stories ....
things about the kids, the car, the yard, the house the dogs. I dont know where you put stuff or whats valuable. I dont know who to trust & you know why.
The people I thought & im sure you did, would be there are not. Im hoping your seeing this cuz the people who are coming forward are a sweet surprise.
i love u as u know ...♡

one month without you today.
Still hurt confused and oh so heartbroken.
i miss you all day every day. even when im
so pissed at you
Every day is a struggle & begins w tears.
I feel like im waiting, for what i do not know.
I dont know how to do this alone. I do not want to w out you. i swear if their is nothing on the other side & i dont get to see you & pj & julie .... its the only thought that gets me thru is i will hold you all again. I will feel your arms around me, jesus i need that now.
please come to me hun, i need u so badly.

morning baby, i cant belive its already been 4 weeks, altho this last week has been insane.
I think i found someone to do the roof. im hoping youll watch over the job ! what am i saying of course u will lol
i miss you babe. i miss our jokes & laughter. I still hold your pillow at night. i spray your colone on it. It helps somtimes. sometimes its worse. Ive pretty much decided what happend & even if im wrong, its what i need to believe. I know you didnt wanna leave me. I know you were confused & adjusting but i also know we talked of the future & all we would do. I know u thought u were in a no win situation but i never woulda left you over that babe, never had never would.
i wish i could hold you again & feel your love for me. but its in my heart... tommorrow came & yes, i know how much you loved me.
always,
your loving wife
xo

I just wanted to say good night & I love you Roger.
after all

Just thinking of you daddy. It's been to many days now we haven't heard from you. No text no funny gif or meme. I miss you so much. So much

baby, why arent u here waking me at midnight w a kiss & hug & happy birthday honey. jesus i cant do this... why did u abandon me or why r u so dumb??? we had so much love & life left.. these are the years that got us thru the chaos & they are finally here & you leave now?
none of this makes sense.
i cant wrap my head around it. i cant.
im so alone w out you.
please ...

Hi honey, theirs so much to say yet its all been said. I have 28 years worth of cards, notes, texts, pictures , vm
Today I say not good bye, my love but I will be with you soon.

Happy Father's day daddy!!! As I typed that I felt like I was going to get a response from you...this is so hard I miss you so much. you taught me so much about life and guided me through so many obstacles. . Thank you. Thank you a million times for all your sacrifices all you time all your love all you effort. Thank you. I love you. Happy Father's day .

Happy Fathers Day my love.
I hope your in a place now where you are at peace & realize pj WAS NOT your fault!
Our daughters & grandchildren ACTUALLY DO love you for you n not a replacement.and you made mistakes but you more then made up for that years ago & the only one who never forgave you was yourself. Thats the tragedy.
Holding amber & logan this morning & feeling them trying to contain their grief for my sake was fucking heartbreaking.
This isnt the post i wanted here first but waking up w out today , knowing the accolades your missing & the people who want to give them too you, well, tbh its pissing me off. Ill be back
I love you.

"A whole new world"- Aladdin n Jasmine. This was our song.. and it's now a whole new world for me. Losing you and your guidance you have always given me- im now lost. I love you so much and it hurts so bad that i will never see you again. Rylee already misses you so much papa. I'm so sad so sad your gone. But resting easy is my prayer for you. It's time to relax time to just see how your family LOVEs YOU. I love you so much daddy and your absence is going to make this life a different place. You were always there. Taking me to kindergarten, buying my 1st bike, making sure each birthday was special. You were a fucking all star father! You taught me some of the most important things in life. Don't worry i got it ill teach them to rylee and tell her what papa taught me when i was little. ..
This really hits home. I love you daddy rest easy.