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Three years

February 24, 2022
Three years ago today we had to say goodbye. A day that changed everything. It's sad that it takes a death to make you realize and appreciate what you have in life. It makes you reflect on all the little things and the importance of those experiences. There hasn't been a single day go by that I wished I could have done things differently or said I love you or appreciate you just a little more often. I've accepted that you are gone but you will never be forgotten. I also know that regardless of how much time passes, it doesn't get any easier. It still hurts just as much as it did the day you left. I still need you just as much of it more. You made things so much more easier and without you I feel so lost. I hope you know I will always keep your memory alive and never stop loving and missing you. I may not be perfect and do some stupid shit, but I know that you will always be there watching over me and the kids. I love you dad and hope you are resting in peace. 

One year of tears

February 21, 2020
Today marks the Friday when my dad took a turn for the worse and two days before we had to say goodbye.
All the firsts have come and gone and it still hurts as bad as it did the day he died. I can't tell you how many times I had begged God to let me have one more day with both my parents. I don't think there has been a day I  haven't cried.  
I know I am grown and at times I feel silly for missing him so much and crying so much but he was my dad and he was always there for me boys matter what and he was there for my boys for everything. He was such a big part of my life and losing him changed everything. It's not even so much how much it changed my life but the fact that it hurt so bad to see him suffer. He was so old fashioned and no matter how he felt he never let on how sick and in pain he was because he didn't want to miss out on being there for the boys. He didn't want to disappoint them. 
I wish that I could get through to kids and adults the importance of being thankful and more appreciative of their parents and not to get so annoyed or angry with them, to just let it go because regardless of what they may say or do, it doesn't matter because their your parents. They were the first to love you, to hold you when you were sick, cry with you, celebrate with you. The first to tell you how beautiful you are, to give you money and not expect anything in return, to teach you to walk and talk and so much more. All those things outweigh anything bad. I wish that I had only realized all that a lot sooner. It's easy to forget what they do for us and we get so consumed in ourselves that we forget that without them, we wouldn't be where we are. 
I remember how tired I got taking care of my dad because caring for an adult who cant care for themselves is so much more harder than caring for a child. Regardless of how hard it was, I did it and I'd do it again. That's what love is and that's what they did for me. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my dad to lay there and have to depend on his daughter for total care because his body no longer worked. My father was the provider; the one you depended on and yet now here's this man who went in the matter of hours from being a 70 year man to a man to who couldn't walk, talk, use the restroom alone or even know how to hold a cup. Thank God his mind didn't allow him to comprehend how he was to save him from the embarrassment.  
As hard as this first year has been for all of us it does bring me peace to know that he is free of cancer and I know that the love he had for us was so strong that he will always be with us watching over us and that when our time comes, that I will see him again. My only hope is that if you take away anything from this that it's to appreciate and love your parents even more. To work on your self to keep from getting so annoyed or upset because it's those little annoyances or nagging moments that we remember the most, not in a bad way because when you think back to those moments later on it usually brings a smile or chuckle with it. Theres nothing in life worth missing out on making memories or spending time with tyour loved ones because they won't always be here and regret is a horrible feeling to have hanging over your head for the rest if your life. 

Christmas 2019

December 23, 2019
Christmas is only a few days away. The one holiday dad wanted just one more of. 

I know the holiday traditions have to carry on but they just aren't quite the same. I find myself thinking about him constantly and mom too. My children haven't mentioned my parents for a while now and all of a sudden one is having dreams about him and the other talks in his sleep asking if he is going to grandpas house.

It breaks my heart that they feel this loss. I tell the boys its ok that they are having these dreams because it means that grandpa is thinking about them or that he is letting them know he will always be watching over them. I said that this was the only way grandpa could let them know since we can't see him.

Loss is painful to those left behind because it changes everything. If only people would learn sooner to cherish their loved one's, the grief wouldn't be so bad. We forget that our parents are the reason we made it this far in life, that they gave up so much for us so we didn't have to go without. They were the ones who took care of us when we couldn't care for ourselves.

We owe it to our parents to step up and take care of them as they get older. It doesn't matter if they are grumpy or whatever, they have earned that right. We don't know half of what they went through in life. We forget that as they are aging, diseases or disabilities take control of the minds and bodies and they can't help what it does to them.

Love your parents and honor them while you can. They didn't turn their backs on you when you were unruly as a teenager or even as a child. Parents are just that, parents. Not your friend or slave and they sure as hell don't owe a child anything in life.

My point to all of this is, life without my parents is hard. I never realized how much they did for me or how important they were to my children. Now I have to do everything without them and its tough. I wish I would have shown my appreciation for them more. 

The holidays bring about all this sadness and pain because those are times when family comes together. 

This will be the first without either of my parents. I don't know how to celebrate without them, but I have to figure it out and I will. I believe that my parents will be with us Christmas Day and I believe that we will feel their presence somehow. That's what gets me through the toughest times in my life. My faith and beliefs are what brings me comfort.

Merry Christmas everyone. 


Thanksgiving 11.2019

November 27, 2019
The holiday season is upon us but the holiday spirit is no where to be found.
I know in my mind that the right thing to do is to start new traditions for my children but my heart is too broken to do so. Everything I know no longer exists. Last year wasn't so bad because even though mom was gone, we still had dad. This year, they both are gone.
As much as I still grieve for my parents, I can't help but think that they are both together again and my heart tells me that even though their gone,  in spirit they are still celebrating with us and that some way somehow, they will give us a sign that they are there. 
Thanksgiving reminds us to be thankful for what we have, and when I say have I dont mean material things but for things that really matter such as our families, our health, our courage, second chances and most importantly for another day. Even during a time of darkness, I can still say that I am thankful for the experiences I've had these last few years because it taught me that I can get through anything, that I am strong and selfless. I am thankful that in my father's darkest hour he let me take care of him as he and mom did for me. I will always remember those three days forever and most of all I am thankful that before God took my dad home, he gave my father the strength to squeeze my hand one last time. I will never forget the way i felt in that moment. 
Happy Thanksgiving mom and dad! Enjoy your time together. I love and miss you both!!!!

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