"For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, then, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we aspire to please Him, whether we are here in this body or away from it.…"
~~~~2 Corinthians 5:7-9
There is just something about this life event that seems to have my mind and thoughts and emotions exerting themselves every single day and night, every minute....even though a lot of it is not something I could express in words, it’s still a sense of my inner being processing all of this....
Spiritually, emotionally, mentally....on all of those levels constantly, without ceasing....without any let up, without ever shutting off entirely....I think that’s why I feel mostly tired all the time, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten....
Something I just realized tonight, is that I am still processing how to live with this sense of empty space all around me....But I realized that it’s not just a sense of aloneness that I’m feeling...
I’ve been alone most of my life, having grown up without a father, having grown up in a more or less broken home type of life...Always feeling like an orphan orbiting the planet, hoping to one day land in a place that felt like home once and for all...but never truly finding that sense of home, until I met Roopa....
So, the sense of empty space and aloneness that I feel now is not the same thing I grew up feeling; it’s something different....I know that part of what I’m feeling is knowing that the sense of family I had, the sense of belonging that I had with Roopa, is temporarily but indefinitely interrupted, to a greater or lesser degree, because of her absence.....although there is so much for me to still celebrate....
Someone with my childhood history being able to grow up, marry such a wonderful woman, and have as wonderful a family life as we did, in spite of Roopa’s severe health challenges, we managed to overcome them and create what I feel is a very exceptional family life...
We have a daughter whom everyone speaks very highly of, she’s very motivated to achieve things in school as well as in her own personal life, and has always been able to maintain a very positive and motivated outlook on life, and she is very self-directed....
I guess one thing I am having to come to terms with, is having at long last been able to have that emotional and spiritual sense of anchoring as a family, and then to have the most precious part of that gone....
My wife was always my anchor in this world—no matter how crazy or insane the world seemed to be getting, Roopa always made me feel like there was one thing in my existence that would always make sense, that would always be a source of peace and comfort.....
So now, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I have to consciously shift gears and focus on the unseen realities that are a part of where Roopa is now—-and where I need to draw my strength from....
”We walk by faith, not by sight” is the scripture people really like to quote, but here is where the rubber meets the road....
I know for a certainty that the resurrection is the next chapter ahead for my precious wife, with the current reality being that she is absent from her body but is present with the Lord. That reality is every bit as concrete as is Roopa’s candle-illuminated urn remembrance corner that I have created for her in our room...In fact, it is even more of a reality....
Now, mentally I know this to be true, and I know it in my spirit—but I have to confess and be honest with myself, that it is a reality that needs to become much, Much more tangible to me; but because it is an unseen spiritual reality, that means I’ll need to be more focused on a spiritual level than I ever have been....
I am well aware that the entire basis of our Christian faith is constituted by spiritual realities that cannot be seen with the naked eye, but that are more real than anything that we can see, feel, or touch....So this is where I must truly apply myself more diligently than ever, in pressing into the Spirit—pressing into the unseen things of God, so that what is unseen becomes far more real to me than what is seen, and in this case, what may appear to be "lost"....
I am not even remotely considering referring to myself as “a widower”; my darling wife is not with me physically anymore, but she has not ceased to exist—she is just as real now as she was the night before she passed away; she is simply in a different location.
So I refuse to refer to myself as someone who has lost his wife; I have lost her physical presence, yes, but Roopa is just as real right now in the presence of the Lord—fully conscious, alert, and interacting with others who have gone on before us. I am refusing to allow the physical earthly plane to dictate what I feel or what I believe, as long as the word of God substantiates a far superior spiritual reality that, although unseen to the naked eye, is far more real.
I believe the grieving process, from where I stand now, is something far different than what most people interpret it to be.
For the believer, if that spouse that you lost was someone God ordained to be in your life, He also ordained that they play a part in developing you for eternity; he chose them to be an instrument in his hands to make you more fit, more equipped, more prepared for your life in eternity with him.
As heart wrenchingly painful and brutal as the grieving process is, it is also a chance, an opportunity, to revisit the book of your life that you and your spouse wrote together....a chance to go back and re-read all the chapters that you wrote together, and re-discover some of those things that you wrote....rediscover things that your spouse taught you about life....rediscover lessons that God used them to teach you, lessons that maybe got lost or buried under the sands of time....it’s a chance to go back and unbury those treasures and recover them, so they can be a part of your healing process and growth....(I'm preaching to myself, but if it helps someone else, Praise the Lord )
Because this life isn’t over yet, and eternity awaits....
The physical and emotional loss of someone so precious and so deeply and dearly loved is excruciating, but for the Christian believer, this is also an opportunity to grow spiritually on a deeper level than we ever have before....Because this grief and this sorrow goes so, so very deep, but God is also able to go just as deep within us, to bring healing and I believe a spiritual strengthening that we may have never known before, if we cooperate with his spirit slowly and patiently.....
Our innermost being is a part of us that Scripture refers to often, especially in the Psalms; and that is the place where who we really are exists, and God must be able to get to that deep part of us to really create true spiritual change.... anything less than that tends to be very temporary and short-lived....
Please consider me, if you will, your spiritual guinea pig, as I am walking through this process dialoguing with the Lord every day—and sometimes all night—as I navigate the loss of the presence of my precious wife, who went to be with Jesus just over 2 1/2 months ago, November 22.
I have actually been dictating these notes to myself, so that they are not just a swirl of emotional, mental, and spiritual thoughts constantly churning around on the inside of me; getting them down on paper where I can see them for what they are, and begin to understand how the Lord wants to use all of this....
Knowing that my precious wife is just on the other side of everything that we can see with the naked eye—with the Lord, healed and full of joy—has become an anchor to me....But I have begun to realize that this is for my learning and spiritual growth....
As a believer, my wife’s passing from this life into eternity does not mark the end of anything for me—and I say that very emphatically; Not to be dogmatic, but to simply call attention to the fact that as a believer, our loved one passing on is not just a closed door to us; it is a spiritual opportunity to grow more attached to and in tune with all that is unseen, where God dwells and where we will one day be when we leave these bodies....
For the believer, our precious loved one passing into eternity is a huge and loving wake up call from our Heavenly Father, to prepare ourselves for eternity, and to really do the hard work of digging down deep within our souls, to make sure that the unseen things of God are more treasured by us than the things which we see....
There are no do-over’s, as we know—there is no second chance to come back and do this work later; NOW is the only time we have left to us to prepare ourselves to be ready for all that God has for us in eternity, and for all that he will call us to do when we get there....
