Happy Heavenly Easter Ryan! I love you and miss you so much! 

When you passed away I made it a personal mission to not only see every artist you loved in concert, but to also tell every artist that inspired you about you.
I’ve met a few now, and they’re all honored to know they helped you find your way in music. I’ve shared experiences with your favorites knowing you were by my side and smiling the whole time.
Nothing,Nowhere. was your biggest influences mood, genre and aesthetic wise. The opportunity came that not only could I attend a concert of his, but also meet him.
I told him right off the bat about you, how you looked up to him, etc., etc. etc. I won’t forget that before our conversation ended he stood next to me, looked me in my eyes, and said “Tonight is a lot more special to me now knowing why you’re here.” And mentioned that the show was for you.

A few months later he announced he was leaving record labels and making his own music again which I KNEW you’d be so happy to hear! So when this album finally dropped, I promptly blared it until the very end.
The tears that filled my eyes and the heaviness in my chest came as soon as this song started.
I know Reaper Gang was made for you.
It sounds like you wrote it.
I’m so happy Joe gave me the opportunity to talk about you, and truly listened to every word I spoke.



*I’m posting here because it’s allowed me to again, and I feel Ryan’s family should be able to hear this song too, and hear how it sounds like Ryan wrote it himself.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp47Iht63NU&pp=ygUbcmVhcGVyIGdhbmcgbm90aGluZyBub3doZXJl

5 years ago we all said our final goodbyes to you. The building was packed with so many of your friends and family. I remember very little but I do remember looking up and realizing people were lined up out the door. None of this surprised me of course because you are Ryan! No other words needed to explain that. My brain is foggy today and my heart is sad. I miss you boys so much! Living from your signs son! I love you so much

Yesterday was a beautiful day spent remembering you. It went great and I know you felt the love from all over. And the signs were appreciated so much. It kept us going but what now dude? I'm stuck with this heartache and hollow stomach and these endless tears and I know I am not the only one. I am having a harder time today. I reread the letter you gave me for Christmas in 2018 and I just want to hug and hold you so tight. I would do anything to feel that hug again. Honestly, I would do anything to get rid of this horrible sinking feeling. I love you so much son. Please keep visiting us. 

Heartache, shattering, no motivation to do anything - but doing everything ‘cause that’s what you’d do. 5 years is too long. My soul aches to have one more conversation with you.

Five years ago, at this time (2:34pm) I asked if you were asleep.
I wish you would have been.
I miss you and I love you so big.
Keep the signs coming, hold your family really close today as these “milestones” are incredibly hard.
Crippling.

I will never forget your smile, your heart, your love, your energy, your extremely handsome yet beautiful face. I love you and miss you so much! Stay close today. A lot of people are feeling that pain! 

We have been getting all your signs! Thank you. All years are hard without you but this one hits different. The 13th is on Wednesday. Everything lines up with the day my heart was torn from my body. I’m trying to keep my head up Ryan. I’m trying to stay busy. Just keep working till it’s over. But my heart is so damn heavy. I miss your energy, that little bit of stubble on your chin, the way your lips were always chapped. How you had a separate joke for each person you saw in a visit. How you made me feel like the most important person in your life. I miss our talks. I miss your advice and your hugs. I miss your smell and the way your hair laid. That smile, god I miss that smile.

You were my best friend. You helped me through some of the scariest times of my life - at least that’s what I use to think we’re the scariest days. The memories flood my head, and how I’d give anything to just have one extra day to be with you. You were one of a kind, you are one a kind. I miss your random freestyles, the jokes. I miss you tons, love you always. 

Happy Valentine's Day to my first love. I miss you so much, Ryan. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I woke up at 3:13 am this morning. And the first song on my playlist was Blood on the Walls. I got all the signs yesterday from you and Chris. We made it through another holiday. I know you guys are proud of us. I love and miss you both so much

Happy Thanksgiving! I love you and miss you so

Mathew is making big moves Ryan and it tears my soul up that I can’t see the joy in your eyes that I know you would feel for him. You and Chris would be beaming with pride. I would do anything to have you guys here. 

I love you s

Man dude. I would do anything to see 30 year old Ryan. I sit and try to picture it a lot. Especially when I see Lucci since you guys are so close in age. I just miss every single thing about you. Even you being a pain in my ass. But I know you see me getting stronger every day. I never thought I could get through this but I’m doing it. We are doing it. This is the first time I worked on your birthday since you passed away. Baby steps but I’m making them. I love you son and thank you for all the amazing signs

Ryan 

You have been heavy on my mind

Especially these last few days

I have been under the weather so a lot of time on my hands equals thinking of your face

I can not believe that you would have been 30 flipping years old

I myself turned the big 40 and it is beginning to show

Dude, I wish you were here right now, not just in spirit

I know I always have a lot to say but there are just a few important things , I’m dying for you to hear em

You’ll never believe this, YOUR MOM and I, yes ME, we live together.

For the most part happily(jk)

In your lifetime, that was something you wouldn’t have seen

Turns out I saved her and she saved me

Also turned out that I am still a pretty cool Fuckin person even when I am clean

I can be reliable, I can be grown up

Hard to believe cuz for the longest you and ur bro were the only ones who thought I was enough

Regardless of my state of mind and let’s be honest, I was fucked up

What I want to say to you Ryan is I wish you knew me now

I wish I could look up at you coming around the corner of the house

Commenting on the yardwork, laughing about me working my ass off.

When I wrote in invisible ink, you always saw

I know you watch over your mom pretty much all the time

She is not completely healed, but I have to catch my breath when she smiles

I would give my last breath of air for her to be able to shine

You and I know she is a one of kind soul

You are definitely not the only one who looked up to her

I have since I was zero days old

For her to be the one who lost the most

To say it’s unfair is like not even close

Instead I try to remind her of the Fuckin amazing kids she raised

At times believe it or not, there is simply nothing I can say

We have come to terms that that is absolutely ok

For ur birthday this year, I hope you are with us as much as you can be

I wish you were here dude, until your face again I will see…

Today is a rough day. I know you see my growth and I know you are proud of me Ryan but days like today make me feel like I am back to the starting line. I know no matter how much time goes by I am always going to have bad days but I wish the bad days were not so debilitating. I do everything in my power to not cry anymore in fear of not being able to stop but my grief and sadness won today. I hope it doesn't win tomorrow. I miss you boys so much. I have a huge piece of my heart missing in every moment I experience. I miss you guys every single second of every day. I wonder what you would say to this or that. Who would you guys be dating? Would you have kids? Be married? Ryan the music I imagine you would have made by now.  Chris, I know you would have your collection complete and on to the next collection to build. Chris, I know you would been right behind with tools yesterday helping me and Devon. I can see it all so clearly. I can smell you in the air. Even see you walking up the path. 

Thank you for watching over Aunt Dede. She is not ready to be with you guys yet so please keep watching over her boys. I know you guys were helping and we all love you so much for keeping her here on earth. I love you and miss you boys s much!

Made her a blanket out of yours and Chris’s T-shirts. Also rocked out on an angel food cake. She hates her bday and I know the only thing she could possibly wish for I can’t give her! However, stop in. Show her some love. She’s super old now. 

Teah had a dream about you dude. She said she heard you say "Is Teah here" at a family gathering. And then she looked to find you but it wasn't you she saw. I know it was you saying you were with the 4th though. I know you and Chris watch over her and Mathew every day. I miss you boys so much. I'm doing my best to not let it bring me down. Trying to hold my head high and live this new life I have no choice but to live but some days are harder than others. I am trying to let go of the hurt caused by people who were never really true, to begin with. I am trying to accept things but today is a hard day.    

I know you read everything I wrote on Chris’s page. I know you are here but I haven’t heard your watch go off since we moved. Please make that happen for me Ryan. I had to downsize my memorial stuff and I know life is pushing me to do so but it’s hard. It’s hard to even say it’s hard anymore. I’m afraid to cry. This last 6 months have challenged as much as right after I lost you guys. Life has changed so drastically I’m just trying to keep up. I’m trying to survive. I’m exhausted but I know if I stop moving it will be the end of me. I have to keep switching lanes to keep myself here. To not get sunk in again. I’ve lost so much in the last 6 months and some was meant to happen even though it still hurts like hell. I just have to keep going dude. I can’t give up. 

I am sorry I don't write much anymore Ryan but you know why. I don't need a nosey ass audience. I just wanted to let you know how far and how strong I have become. We got all moved and out of that toxic house. Things are so much better without any of the drama in our lives. You were right when you said life just eliminates the ones not meant to be in your life. Still makes me sad that your name was spoken negatively though but Karma will take care of that. Just know your momma is doing good and slowly healing. Mathew and Teah are doing wonderful and ruling life. Mathew knew all along that none of them were worth even a tear. I should've listened to him for sure. I know you are watching over the ones who truly loved you. Not just pretended until it wasn't convenient any longer. I know you noticed that I am downsizing the shrine I had for you guys. Life is pushing me to do so. Please know that I think of you every second of the day and objects hanging does not change that. I know you see my growth and are with me every step of the way. After all, you have fewer people to watch out for these days. But let them believe you still do. If it helps them sleep at night to believe you actually give one single fuck about them then let them believe that. I know better. I know MY SON. 

Our house is awesome. Huge backyard and pool. My room had patio doors to walk right out onto the back deck. Great area and both dogs have adjusted very well. Although the very first day Xia fell down the basement stairs and couldn't get back up, Dom got her up for me. She swam in the smaller pool we had. I love watching them have fun so much. It makes my heart happy. Yesterday was Keelas got you day. 1 year since we got my little cuddler. I think you and Chris sent her to me. I miss you so much and wish i could just pick up the phone and call you. I love you so much Ryan! 

11 years without Granny. I miss her so much right now. I miss all of you guys so much. Give her my love plrss

My son, My heart, My soul. I have been through it son and made it out. First lesson.... Let Go and Let them be, Please just keep pushing and not letting those who wish to see me down win. Life will never be the same and I have always stated I would never lose another person here on earth but things happen beyond my control and I just have to accept them. I will never allow myself to feel this pain again. First Aingel now Alex. Tom stated that if he was in Josh's situation he would respect my wishes like Josh is the skid mark you used to date but I know that is not true. If I said Debbie couldn't see Josh no way he would allow that. Just as no way I would allow him to tell me Granny couldn't see you. No chance in hell. Like I said the last 4 years I have not been the best grandma since losing you and Chris but I love Alex will all my soul and I will love him from afar. I know how extremely sickened you are by all this. Trust me Ryan she fooled me too. That will never happen again. They will see how wrong they are one day. I will do me and love MY TRIBE!!!!!!!!! My tribe that no one but God can take from me. One day your brother or sister are going to make me a grandma. I will prosper son. For you and Chris. I know you are watching me and aunt Devon like damn momma you guys taking care of business. And we are! things are happening. All this will be a thought in the past soon enough. I love you endlessly 

I said then this was what I consider my diary to you.

Ryan I know you see all this happening and just can’t believe it. I have to completely cleanse myself of Tristen. I will not allow myself to be consumed by her ignorance. I can’t change her. She can’t change me. This page is for me to talk to you Ryan and it is literal reason I created it. She has all your pictures so literally no reason for her to even come to your site except to be nosey about what I’m saying to you. It makes no sense. I have the right to talk to you on a page I created and pay for every month. I have her blocked on absolutely everything I can think of now. I need her to forget I ever existed. Karma will show her. Please Ryan just help me get through this. I’ve made it this far and  I can’t let her put me down this path. If there is a god please cleanse me of this toxic person I beg you.

I just need one good day Ryan please. I need one please. Keep pushing cuz I’m so fucking tire

Me, your mom and Brooklyn spent Saturday night together! Can you believe that? Brooklyn is 18 dude. Wish u were here.

It’s me I need to ask you a favor.
I know you see how your moms doing, I’m doing my very best to try and save her.
So, if by chance you could work some type of heavenly magic.

Thank you for the penny. I’m lost boys. Just want to be with you guys.

I need you boys. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I just want to give up. It would be so much easier.

I started to write you last night but I had to stop to help Tyler. Anywho, yesterday was therapy for my soul. I cried tears I have needed to cry for a long time. I can never explain how important you were to me dude. U came into this world and from day one u made everything ok. I had purpose being your aunt. I had this little human who I was soooo proud of. You raised me. You challenged me.  You loved me. You made me feel important and really cool to say the least. I miss u so much Ryan Jeffrey.

Today was probably one of the best days I have had in a long time. I spent most of it with your mom. I felt close to you.

We are approaching 4 years. It is crazy how I used to be able to look at your pictures every day and although they made me sad I could still smile through the tears. It is so much harder now to look at them. I don't even understand how. 4 years Ryan and all I do is punish myself for what I wish I would've done. I wish I didn't feel like a failure in my most important job in the world. Protecting my kids. I wish I could feel like a good mom again. Of all things in my life, I always felt at least I was a good mom no matter how hard things got, Now I feel like a failure. I am so sorry I failed you boys. I am sorry for you and I am sorry for the rest of us, I don't know what I should've done differently but I would do it in a second if I could. 

I am not sure what to do with these emotions, Ryan. Hide them I guess. I seriously feel I just can't express them this time. I just want to hide forever. But fuck Ryan this life is just unfair. You were robbed of life and I would do anything to see what you and Chris would have been today. My feelings are so confusing but none the less they are real. 

I did it! We did it! Christmas was a success. But why do I feel like this. I’m so tired of being sad. So tired of not being able to talk to anyone about it. So tired of caring. So tired of feeling so alone. So tired of you guys not being here. So tired. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I want to go back to when you guys were younger and hang onto it forever. I haven’t felt this bad in awhile and it’s getting harder to hang on. Just wish I could give up. I don’t have anything left to give anymore.

I’m drowning son. I don’t know what to do to get through. 

This holiday is killing me. I would do anything to see what costume you created this year! Have another party and watch you dance. I miss you son. I don’t understand why you were taken.

Miss your humor so much kidd

I love you so much! 

Happy Heavenly Birthday Son. I love you and miss you so much. I just don't have the words today to explain how much I miss you. 

I feel like you and Chris are trying to tell me something. I know everyone would think I am crazy if I said that but I feel it and I am so scared it is something bad. Please watch over the family. I really need you guys to keep everyone safe. I can not handle anymore. When I say that I mean it.  I really can't. Maybe it is your birthday approaching that is messing with my mind. I pray that is what it is. Another birthday we cant celebrate with you. Another year that I will never know what could've become of you. I miss you with every ounce of my soul, I would do anything to have one of our conversations. I love you so much Ryan. 

Just a bad day today dude. I miss you so much

The ache I have lately is so indescribable. I just have this ache in my stomach that won't go away. Emptiness with Nausea of thoughts of never seeing you again. I dreamt of last week and I survived off that dream until now. Every day I feel my anxiety getting worse with the worry about everything. Every day waiting for the next thing to happen. Wondering what will happen next. The thought of you not being here for the rest of my damn life makes me feel so hopeless, I know I have to go on anyway and the harder I try the harder it gets. This empty feeling in the pit of my stomach just grows larger every day. I miss you so much and I always will but this is different, I feel doom. Being alone most of the time doesn't help but at the same time, I feel so depressed that socializing is difficult as well. Every time trying so hard to talk about something other than you and Chris but that is all I think of. Faking conversations becomes more difficult each day. 

3 years and 4 months feels like an eternity. Miss you dude 

I need you to keep watching over Teah. Let her know you guys are here and Inher corner. Times are rough and we all need you guys. I miss you so much Dude

Please give Grandpa my love today. I still remember like it was yesterday getting that call in the middle of the night when I had truly believed he was going to make it. I cant believe it has been 14 years, I love you all my angels,