Samantha:
The first time I saw you...
When I found out I was pregnant with you I have to be honest and say I was surprised and a bit unsure. I knew that I would love you with all my heart but I wondered if I could do it well. Did I have the capacity to parent another child who deserved the best of me? But what I discovered was that you made it easy, that you were truly a gift. You gave me an opportunity I had not expected to relax, to play, to enjoy life at a time when I really needed that.
When I had you I got the opportunity to work from home for about a year and be with you the first year of your life in a way I had not been able to with your brother and sisters. You were born in May and so we had the whole summer ahead of us. Your dad would go off to work and the other kids to school. I would work in the morning and then in the afternoon I would gather you up and take you to the swimming pool. That is where I discovered that you were a fish, a water baby. You loved the water and the sunshine and never seemed to tire of being there. At first I would just sit in the water and hold you or help you float on top of the water. As you got a bit older you would splash and play in the water and were so delighted by it all. Then you wanted to jump out of my arms and swim. You took to it so easily. Once you had gotten your fill, I would lay out a blanket on the grass and read a book while you slept nearby.
I loved it because I got a chance to relax, to enjoy the simple things, to renew my spirit and outlook on life. I reveled in you and your development. I got to see your first smile, hear your first giggle and spent a year full of love and cuddling, smiles and giggling as we swam and played and bonded.
You didn't like knowing that you were a surprise baby but I hope you eventually knew, that for me, saying that was expressing my gratitude for you. The long lasting effect of that first year together is that for the 20 years you were in my life I always looked forward to being with you, you kept me young at heart, you brought out the best in me. I never took you for granted because I realized very early on that you were my wonderful, amazing surprise.
The last time I saw you...
At your memorial, your cousin Dee shared part of a letter you had written to him on his mission. It was right before you were going off to college and you talked about how hard it was going to be to leave home because you and I had become so close over the last year. I was excited for you to go off to college and it wasn't until we had moved you in, said goodbye and I had come all the way back home that I felt what it was going to be like to miss you. I walked into your room at home, sat down on your bed and cried. I would miss you over and over again while you were away at college and that is why I so looked forward to your visits home.
We would arrange your ride on Amtrak or with Kaley and I always wanted to be the one to pick you up. I so looked forward to the first sight of you, the first hug, the "Hi Mom, I love you. Guess what?" I found ways to spend as much time with you as I could. Even the errands to replace makeup, worn clothes and such were heaven. That is when you would put on "Mom's playlist" and we would sing on our way somewhere together. It reminded me of our year together before you left for college.
Again, I always wanted to be there to send you back to Chico. I wanted your last memory, your last thought of home to be of me giving you a big hug and saying, "I love you" right before you got on the Amtrak train or went into Kaley's house.
The last time I saw you we were at the Amtrak station. I had given you my hug, said, "I love you" and gotten back in the car to watch you get on the train. I never left until I saw you get on the train. You walked up to the train door, waited for some people on front of you to get on and then were told this was the wrong car for you to get onto the train. So you began walking down the platform looking for an open door. Instinctively, I got out of the car, went over near the train so that I could watch you walk down the platform and make sure you got on. You walked and walked to the very front of the train and I remember having a momentary wish that you would miss your train and I would have more time with you.
I saw you talk to the train conductor and get on the train. I walked back to the car. Even though I saw you get on, I texted you and asked, "Did you make it on?" Your response - "Yup". "Cool, I said, safe travels all the way home. Love ya!"
If I had known then that this would be the last time I saw you, I would have held on tight and kept you close. But I didn't know that you needed so much more than to make it onto that train.
Samantha, I miss you! I will miss you every day for the rest of my life!
Mom