Sandee should have known that once you feed an animal, it tends to stick around.Erin lived with her parents in college, and when I’d come over, she would feed me.I think she assumed I’d be one of many guys Erin would bring home, but I really liked Erin and I really liked Sandee’s cooking, so I kept coming back.I think that’s what happened with my brother-in-law Dave as well.So Kate – if you’re listening, and Erin – in her own way, your mom did her part to make sure you both got married!
I could speak for hours about what kind of person Sandee was, but I really don’t need to.If you know Erin or Kate you get a good idea of how kind, how funny and how accepting she was of people.She accepted people on their own terms, for who they were.She was a worrier – especially when it came to her girls.
When Erin was 19 and she and I had been dating for about 6 months, she had her second open heart surgery.Sandee and I stayed together in the waiting room the whole time.I like to think I impressed her with my dedication to her daughter.But more likely she was a little annoyed with me for making balloons out of surgical gloves and trying to get her to bat them around with me.Which, by the way, she did.And although she probably denied it later, she was laughing.
More recently, a few years back, Erin had another health crisis.There was a hard decision that needed to be made, and I called Sandee to let her know what I was planning to do.She thanked me for including her in the decision, and let me know she supported me in whatever decision I made for Erin.I know how much she loved Erin, and how much trust it took for her to leave her care in my hands – and that meant so much.I also want to point out how impressed she was with my brother-in-law Dave for the way he supported Kate and their family.
In the last few months of her life she told me that it made her so happy that both of her girls found good guys to take care of them.This may sound a little self-congratulatory, but her girls were always Sandee’s highest priority, so her trust was an enormous honor.
While I was growing up my mother used to hold up both of my grandmothers as examples of good mother in laws who were supportive when needed, who knew when to give advice, and when to trust their kids to make their own decisions.I am sure I did plenty of things over the years that made Sandee nervous.But she always treated the choices we made, the decisions we made with respect and good nature.For example, Sandee was never religious – but when Erin decided to pursue Judaism more as she and I formed our own family, Sandee was always a smiling and proud presence of all of our lifecycle celebrations.
And when she’d come for a visit, she would joke about “the mother-in-law coming to town.”But I really enjoyed her visits.In addition to enjoying her, spending time with her…. She cooked for me. And I really liked that.
Right now our family: Erin and our kids, Ken, Kate, Dave and their children, and all of Sandee’s “adopted” kids around the world – are in a lot of pain.But I also know that there is between us all a world of love, caring and strength.And like Sandee did, we will support each other with our humor, our caring and a healthy dose of worry.
Thank you Sandee for letting me be part of your family.