ForeverMissed

Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, his wife Gauri and two of their daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 24, 2020
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream last couple of nights. First time you were far away and I told myself that it were you. Next time I left a room where you would be living in. You said that you slept on the sofa and I knew why - I forgot to make the bed before leaving. And I thought you should have said something. But you were very quiet.

At one time you were sad that I didn't talk to you about my life and any issues I may have had. Now I wish you were there to listen. Wish I could talk to you about some of the things. Now I just imagine how it would have been like if you were around - we could do this and that - go to all those place...

I miss you...
Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 18, 2020
Dear Mummy

I was just looking and saw that it has been 2,443 days since you and I sat together!!! How can so many days have passed and everything seems like just yesterday? I miss you so much - miss the comfort of knowing I could reach you any time I wanted to. 

We should have had many more years together. You were only 75... The doctors robbed you - robbed us - of so much!

I haven't seen you in my dream in a long time. I just miss our family so much. Now everyone is gone. I guess you were right to worry about me. What would have become of me without Chris? I am sure that Babaji sent him for me. There could be no one else but him...

But I still miss you very much. Every time I put on your top or sweater or the dress I made out of your Saris, I think of you - not that those are needed as reminders of you. You are always on my mind and in my heart.

I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope you are all together now.
I am glad you were mine...

Love you always.
Your daughter


Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 10, 2020
Dear Mummy

Wish I could call and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Hope you can see what's in my heart.

Today, on this 7th Mother's Day without you, I need you to give me a gift - a gift of your strength. Help me be as strong as you; help me be like you...

I miss you more today if it is possible.
With all my love
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 9, 2020
Dear Mummy

I had a dream last night and I had a feeling that you were there. It was bee or something that sort of looked like a butterfly. I was, for some reason, trying to touch it and you were telling me not to that as it would sting. I don't think I actually saw you.. just felt your presence...

Sometimes I have this strong feeling that I want to sit down with you and talk and tell you all about my thoughts. But I can only talk to you through these letters... Hope you know how much I miss you -- miss you all. 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Hope you know that I am thinking of you and wishing that you were here. We lost so much time. Wish I tried harder and kept you from moving to Wisconsin. 

Love you always.
Your daughter

Posted by Sandhia McLeod on April 19, 2020
Dear Mummy

Wish you were here...

It will soon be 40 years without Babaji. I feel blessed that I can still picture him just the way he was and feel his presence... 

Wish you were all here...

Love you and miss you very much.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on March 29, 2020
Dear Mummy

I was thinking of our last evening together sitting on the bench and suddenly the memory made me smile for a moment. When I said "Jab taakat aa jayaigi to wahan tak chalaigai", at first you didn't respond (because you knew different) but then you said "achcha, chal thodi dair gaadi mein chalain". That was so like you... you wanted to get out of the house every single day, even if for just a few minutes. You had been cooped up in the house for two days... 

I don't know why but thinking of this made me smile because it was so characteristic of you...

We had our last drive and it used up all your energy...

It all seems like yesterday and Papa's absence doesn't seem real even now. May be I miss his presence the most since he was the last of the four pillars in my life and one who still made me feel rooted. I think I depended on him much more than he did on me - after you were gone. I clung to him and made him miserable because I was willing him to do what he did not want to do. He did miss you much more than you would have known in life. After you, he too lost everything.

I feel pain in my heart but it is one I don't want ever to go away. It connects me to you all. I know you want me to be happy and I can hear your annoyed voice "hamein baandh kai rakh legi kya?"... I tried...


Love you so much
Miss you more every day.
Your daughter

Posted by Sandhia McLeod on March 6, 2020
Dear Mummy

If you were here, you would fuss over me and I would probably get mad at you. But as it now I wish you could call me just once! No matter how old one is, they never lose the need for their mother. And I need you so very much.

Are you somewhere safe and happy? I hope so. I am hoping to be reunited with you some day... hoping that you all will come for me when it is my time.

Just wish I could hear from you one more time... May be tonight in my dream...

Love you and Miss you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on February 23, 2020
Dear Papa Mummy

I saw you in my dream last night. We were travelling somewhere and stopped at a restaurant. The samosa was cold :-) So we went some place else. Even though I feel like, Papa, that you had had a stroke but you were walking very fast!

I was just looking at a picture of the three of us in Adelphi apartment - sitting on a sofa. You have left me all alone... Still I am content to see you in my dreams - until we meet again...

Love you and miss you very much. Miss our walks together. Miss drinking cappuccino together.

Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on February 17, 2020
Dear Mummy

I had very bad dreams a night before last. I kept waking up and then another came. In first one you were lying in bed, sick and sad. I looked at you and thought that may be I should let you go to India - then at least you would be happy even if you don't live long. I woke up and dozed off again to see that you, Papa, Shailu and I were in a house together. The house had large high windows and you were saying that you wanted curtains for those. But both you and Papa were not well. And then the third dream was something like where we were walking in snow or something and while Papa could stand but he was not well; neither were you. Usually I forget my dreams but these were so vivid and I remember them so well...

Am I not letting you be at peace by missing you so much? I want you to be smiling wherever you are. You never did like me fussing over you and worrying. I will try my best but sometimes when I think of you all, I just can't help that my eyes fill up with tears.

You went so soon... I just think about what if you hadn't been so ill; what if the Dr. Kurashi had done her job and diagnosed your cancer in time. How our lives would have turned out differently...

Oh, I do miss you. I know you are around when I am missing you too much. Like the other day in the bus... I had such a strong feeling of your khushboo as you just quickly passed by... I woke up so suddenly as I had dozed off...

I do hope that I will see you all again. I want to see you well in my dreams.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter.


Posted by Sandhia McLeod on February 13, 2020
Dear Mummy

When I close my eyes and think of you, I can see you sitting with me... smiling and little annoyed "hamai baandh ker rakh legi kiya?" - you used to say when I fussed over you and Papa. 

I tried...

Missing you always and Love you very much
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on February 2, 2020
Dear Mummy

I was just thinking of the last car ride you and I took - just around the house. I am glad that I was there with you at the end. Wasn't there for Papa and that hurts me the most - just like I wasn't there at the time of Babaji and Ammaji. 

That night was so hard and yet my heart didn't know it.

I miss you so very much. 

Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on January 12, 2020
Dear Mummy

2nd of January this month I dozed off in the bus. Suddenly I awoke with a very strong feeling as if you just passed by; as if there was a wif and I could smell you... It was very strong and stayed with me for long.

It was the same kind of sense as I did one night when I awoke from a dream of you crying and just as I was about you give you a hug, I woke up. But I had a strong sense that we touched...

I know you are with me always - in my heart.
I know Babaji Ammaji and Papa are too but I don't see them in my dreams much. Wonder why... I think of them and you almost all the time.

Miss our vacations together; miss sitting around on the deck sipping Papa's cappucino; miss listening to 'behno ka program' on radio with you and Ammaji; miss Babaji teaching me how to count...

I had so much... and that's why loss of it all hurts so much. But I am happy that I had so much love in my life. And now Chris is here. I am sure Babaji sent him to me because he certainly looks out for me and loves me to make me believe that.

Love you and miss you always.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on January 1, 2020
Chal thodi dair Gadi mein chalain - this was the last thing you ever asked me to do. I am so glad that I was there in the end, Mummy. Wasn't there for Papa. 

You went too soon.. Wasn't your time yet. You should have been around longer. I should have listened more and better and talked less. Should have hugged you more. May be some day...

Happy New Year Mummy.
Love you - Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on January 1, 2020
Dear Mummy

Another year without you has passed...
But I know wherever you are you are looking out for me. I feel your presence and feel your hand in some of the things that happen.

Your love carries me forward and makes me very thankful to have been part of your life. I wish so much I could call you and talk to you about things but I just try to follow what you used to say and what I think you may say...

Missing you very much.
Love you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on December 28, 2019
Dear Mummy

Yesterday on my way home I was thinking that we would have gone to a restaurant to celebrate... We always celebrated every little win we had in life. But you didn't leave a way to reach out to you. I haven't even seen you in my dreams in so long!

This is the day - tonight - when you came for Papa and took him away by the hand. You were always so protective of him - even when you were unhappy with him - so this was just very characteristic of you. I can just picture it - he would have smiled at you when he saw you finally. He did look very peaceful in the end.

Oh but I miss you all so very much! You knew how hard it would be for me and I know you wouldn't have left me if you could choose. I want you to be at peace now. Even though I miss you very much, I am glad that you are all together at last and hope that some day I will see you again.

Loving you and Missing you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on December 25, 2019
Happy 61st Marriage Anniversary - Papa Mummy -- wherever you are.

Thinking of you today and always.

Love you very much and miss you even more.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on December 24, 2019
Dear Mummy Papa

61 years ago today you were both preparing for your big day tomorrow at this time. So much of your life ahead of you. You were both so young. Looking back now life seems so short. But your story is not over - not until I am gone. Even then you will be remembered by those who will benefit from your legacy - I have made sure of that.

Yesterday morning I woke up and had such a strong wish to call you. But I don't know how. Can you see me and hear my voice when I talk to you? Will you come for me when it is my time?

Tomorrow is your day and I will make pakori. Both of you liked it. I miss those days when in the middle of the night we would feel hungry and you would make pakori. Those were happy times.

I miss you always. But will miss you more tomorrow. Our last time together on your anniversary was in 2012 when I came to Madison. We made pizza!
Miss those days... miss the cappuccino... miss so many things.

Love you very much
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on November 27, 2019
Missing you today very much...


Love
Gudia
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on November 6, 2019
Dear Mummy

I feel like I saw you in my dream last night but couldn't quite remember. I hope you are not fading from my dreams too - I need you still... Few weeks ago I saw that you and I got on the bus together. That was so lovely. You had such a broad smile on your face! 

I miss your smile... miss your face... miss your voice... And miss arguing with you!

Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on October 24, 2019
Dear Mummy

That last evening sitting with you on the bench, with both you and Papa slowly slipping away, my heart refused to accept what the brain knew - and what you knew. That's why you hesitated before saying 'achcha' when I said 'jab thodi taakat aa jayaigi taw wahan tak chalaingai' and pointed to the curb around the house. 

I miss you so much Mummy. Often think about what life would have been like if you had stayed healthy or even if that stupid / negligent doctor had done her job. I wish so much to find her one more time so that I can ask her the question that has been on my mind forever - 'Why???'.

But I don't know how to find her.

I thought about that little doll house we all made together before trouble came to our family. Whatever happened to it? When you all left that house in Temple Hills, did it get thrown away? We built it with so much care and love! Wonder why I didn't think about it all these years. And so much of my stuff that was in that house - obviously got thrown away!

Another Diwali without you and Papa - without Babaji Ammaji and without a family gathering. I will try to do something that day - want to at least make some effort to carry out the traditions - no matter in however small way. May be you all will see and smile...

Wish you could see all the beautiful colors the trees leaves are turning into. You would have loved it. I can just picture your smile. I wonder some times and try to picture if Ammaji (and even Babaji) could have come here and what fun it would have been to show them around! 

I need you so much!
Missing you and love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on October 16, 2019
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream few nights ago. You were sleeping and I touched your hair and it felt so soft. Your hair, when it grew back, was so baby soft. I can still feel the softness on my finger and it made me so happy. Papa was there too somewhere - I had the feeling he was around...

Wish I could touch you one more time and give you a BIG hug!

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on October 9, 2019
Happy Dasharah Mummy...

May be one day I will be with you again and we will celebrate these days. I found the old book we used to write Dasharah and news of the year! And last one that Papa wrote in 2016 when he was by himself at Artisan. That broke my heart. I had not expected him to be alone on that day. Who can I blame but myself? I hope that all those sorrows and heartaches are now long forgotten - now that you are all together once again. I won't ever ask for forgiveness because I don't deserve it. Papa depended on me much - he knew he could ask me for anything but I let him down.

Well, on this day I think of the old days when we were together in Meerut and feel lucky to have been part of that life - and to have been part of yours.

Love you very much.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on October 2, 2019
Dear Mummy

25 years ago today we lost Ammaji. You and Papa we there and may be she was just waiting for you. I am glad that you both got to be there - specially Papa. It is very important to be able to say goodbye to special people in one's life. Not being able to be there for Papa when his time comes will haunt me forever. I am also glad that she went while in her bed at home. It still scares me when I think that she may have been in a car...

I love and miss you all very much. But specially today I have been thinking of Ammaji and Babaji all day. Where is that life gone?

Missing you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 26, 2019
Celebrating 121st and 113th Happy Birthday of Babaji and Ammaji today and thinking of all of you being together on this day. I hope you are happy wherever you are. 

Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 25, 2019
Dear Mummy

You and I got our first and last hair-do together this day 14 years ago!
I wonder what life would have been and what places we would have traveled together if certain doctors didn't steal your life away...

So much we have missed together...

Missing you very much today.
With Love.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 14, 2019
Dear Mum

I hope you liked your bouquet.  I hope you heard my voice saying "Happy Birthday, Mum". The weather cleared up just so we could make the boat trip to your resting place.

Wish you were here and we could have gone to have lunch at a Mexican place. We have found so many Mexican places since you have been gone and I always think of you and Papa when we are there.

Love you.
Happy Birthday.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 14, 2019
Happy Birthday Mum

I will bring you flowers today...

Missing you very much on your day - as always.
Love you.
Your daughter
Posted by Navneet Bansal on September 10, 2019
Deeply remembered on your 6th Anniversary when you left for heavenly abode on 8th September 2013. presently we have lost almost all our elder generation and left with no umbrellas. Pray god for your noble soul to rest in peace. Be happy where ever you are.
Posted by Jan & Dick Lenes on September 9, 2019
We were thinking of you today. We feel so blessed that we could have a part of your life even for a short time. We can't help but smile when we talk about you, you always made us feel so special. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family today.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 8, 2019
Dear Mummy

No dream of you last night...
You were on your way to Gunderson - your very first and last travel all by yourself. You never liked going anywhere by yourself. We followed you in a car. 

Papa and I were with you in your last moments. You waited until lights were turned off to leave quietly. You never did like making fuss and suffered everything without letting anyone know much of what was going on. And so you left us without making a sound.

I meant to be at Sea today where we buried you and Papa but Hurricane stopped us. So I will be there next week on your birthday. 

I can no longer see you with my eyes...
I can no longer touch you with my fingers...
But you will be in my heart forever.

Every morning I try to picture all four of you smiling at me and it helps me to go on knowing that you are all together now... happy...

Missing you on this day just as I do every day... but a little bit more.
Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 7, 2019
Dear Mummy

6 years ago at this time (12:57pm), I was with you and you not well at all. You must have been scared but talked very little. You talked very little for long time but... I know you were scared - probably mostly of ending up in nursing home. You were so strong though! Mentally, you were very strong and kept your dignity until the end. In the afternoon Papa and I went out to get somethings for you that you could easily wear. I still wear one of those gowns. But you never got to wear them. After you showered, I gave you the sweater I brought for your birthday. You put it on but you were very sad. All that time, my brain never let me realize what was happening - that you were fading quickly. 

Wish I could have held you tight and never let you go. Wish... and wish some more... 

May be you will come in my dream and give me a hug tonight. May be I will see all of you...

It hurts so much. Once in a while the memory of something - you and me going shopping; you and me taking a walk; you sitting with me talking at night... -- it all is so vivid! How can it be that I can't see you anymore?

Once you came in my dream and as I tried to hug you, I woke up but I had such a strong feeling of touching you - of you being there in the room with me! Perhaps you were...

Life without you! Live with all four of you... I was never prepared for this.

Thinking of you - Loving you and Missing you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on September 5, 2019
Dear Mummy

42 years ago you and Papa brought us here. It was so long ago but feels like just yesterday. I remember how you and I used to cry while reading Babaji and Ammaji's letters which arrived almost daily. When Papa would come home for lunch from office, we would ask him every day if there were any letters from India. It was such a bittersweet time. We missed them so much but we had a new life, new people and new places to see. Babaji Ammaji lost everything once we left them. I can't even imagine when I try to think of the pain they must have felt. How would they have gone to sleep that night and it is just so hard! You and Papa worked so hard to give us the life we live today - in comfort and relatively happy. But what did you two get? That is a million dollar question and the answer to which leaves me feeling inadequate and ashamed.

Missing you very much - especially this month as this is the month we all came to the States and a new life begun for us.

Love you and missing you very much
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on August 27, 2019
Dear Mummy

I hope you can see the scholarship in Babaji Ammaji's name that your inheritance has helped to set up! We wanted to do this for so long.


https://homeopathy.org/product/gupta-fund-donation/

Wish you were here now. 
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Wish you were here now. 
Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on August 22, 2019
Dear Mummy

For some reason it came to me earlier this morning how on that fateful day in June of 2013 you returned from the hospital and were having dinner when I called. Apparently the hospital called and wanted you to come back. You told me "mujhai to achcha he lug reha hai; per sub kehai rahain hein tow chali jaoongi". You went on your own two feet feeling good enough but came back with a death sentence. I never liked to leave you alone in the hospital but you were alone that day. Who knows what caused it but your sugar level went very low and your heart stopped before they brought you back. But it didn't function much after that. I felt so sad then and this morning when I thought of it, now it is sticking to me and I keep thinking that it was such a huge mistake for Papa and everyone there to make you go back to hospital. It was probably not so much Papa who wanted you to go back. 

I wish I was there. I wouldn't have let you go back - or at least I would have been there to protect you.

I failed you in so many ways Mummy. How to keep on living with so much regret? I should have taken care of both of you here in Maryland. It is too late for everything now.


I miss you so much - all the time you are on my mind.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on August 18, 2019
Dear Mummy

Hope you can see that the other half of the money you left has been put to good use and a scholarship three of us always wanted to start in Babaji Ammaji's name has been established. First recipient has already been selected. Wish you were here to see this but I am sure that wherever you are you can see this and are smiling. 

Love you always.
Missing you forever.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on August 8, 2019
Dear Mummy

It is hard to believe that it is one month short of 6 years since you have been gone. It doesn't feel that long. Feels as though you just walked away. Sometimes when I am standing in the kitchen and look down at the sofa where you used to sit, I can so clear picture your head. I miss coming home sometimes and not seeing you there. I miss your smile. Miss fighting with you... Miss walking with you. Miss going to store and buying clothes with you. I don't think I have done that since you have been gone. Last store you and walked through was Target... Miss everything about you. Miss your voice. Miss talking with you every day. We used to talk at least once a day. Miss knowing that you are somewhere where I can come and see you anytime I want. Miss your cooking... Kheer and samosas. No kheer since you left in October 2012. I can see you so clearly as you looked back at me as you went through the security gate. Miss coming to pick you up at the airport. Miss you and Papa picking me up from airport. Miss going on vacations with you - three of us traveled a lot, didn't we? 

Babaji and Ammaji are disappointed in me. I let them down. But I miss them so very much. If you are with them, ask them for me to come and visit me in my dreams. I can be happy if I could see the four of you in my dream from time to time. 

I am scared about what the end will be like for me. I wish I could talk to you about it. I know what you will say - "jo hoga wo hoga, hasti raho". Wish I was as brave as you. Will you come for me when my time comes? I hope all four of you will come and take me with you when it is time.

Love you so much. And miss you. 
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on July 11, 2019
Wish I had your strength and dignity, Mummy.
Wish I could see you all once again - even if just for a day...

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on June 30, 2019
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream last night - it was a long dream and continued even after I woke up and went back to sleep again. I saw you and heard your voice as clearly as I did on April 19th, 2015!  You looked and talked in your characteristic manner. I love you so much. Thank you for this gift!

Love you very much and miss you always.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on June 26, 2019
Dear Mummy

Were you all trying to show me that you are still with me and sent couple of Monarchs to me near your bench at the garden? It cannot be a coincidence that Kevin has decided to create a Monarch Way Station right there at your bench! I know the four of you can see me and are with me always - looking out for me.

It made me feel very happy to see the first butterflies of the season several caterpillars. Kevin thinks that it shows that I have a strong connection with you. I think so too. And just around the same time the Homeopathy Scholarship is set up with the money that you two left. I hope you are all as happy as I am. Most of things that I wanted to complete in life are almost all done. I won't be sad to leave it. Just want Chris to bury me and not be left out. I know you will come for me when it is time.

Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on June 25, 2019
Dear Mummy

Wish you were there on the 17th at the UW hospital. I missed you so - sitting in the atrium near where we used to drink Cappuccino. Last time when you, Papa and I passed by after seeing Dr. Rahko, you asked if we wanted Cappuccino and we said no because we were in a hurry. Didn't know it then that was the last time we would pass through that route!

I had lunch with Dr. Rahko, Kim and Pete that Monday morning. We received much from them and eventually you will be able to do something for them through me - I will see to it. 

I missed you that day as I read Papa's text messages while waiting for them.

Miss you now.
Love you forever.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 12, 2019
Dear Mummy

"Hello"...
"Happy Mother's Day"...
"Thank You!"...
Missed having this conversation with you this morning for the 6th year now. Missed you even more. Last night I dozed off while watching TV and had a dream that Papa, Shailu and I were somewhere. Didn't see Shailu but he was in the house. Papa and I were sitting somewhere. Then it was time for bed; so I went with Papa in a room that looked like you bedroom and suddenly had this overwhelming sense of missing you. And I said to you - 'Aaj tumhari bahut yaad aa rehi hai, Mummy'... And Papa stood there too looking as lost as I. I haven't seen Papa in my dream in a long time. And so I believe he came to help me this Mother's day as he knew it would be hard for me. Makes me believe even more that the four of you are still looking out for me from somewhere and that some day I will see you again. That was such a "real" kind of dream!

I was just thinking yesterday that if we missed out on so many conversations between you and me because you were ill for so long. Your illness robbed us of so much!! For last so many years most of our talks were centered toward your eating, your doctor's visits and your vitals. I worried about you so much. I know you wanted us to talk about other things but most important thing for me was to get you well again... just as it was for Papa. And in that process, I lost too much time that I cannot get back now. May be in dreams?

Some times I want so much for those days to come back when we were back in India and everything was good and we were happy and content. I don't ever remember feeling deprived even though we didn't have much money. I had so much love in my life and you were all there. There is so much empty space now. 

Please come for me before it is Chris's time to go. I could not bear it if he were gone before me. I know you know this and I believe you will come for me.

In last few years without you I have learnt so much about people that you were trying to teach me and you were right. I guess I had to find out for myself and finding it out hurts. I am sorry that I didn't try to understand because I thought I knew better.

Wish I could call you... Wish I could take you out to lunch and talk and talk and listen and listen to you forever...

Miss you and Love you.
Happy Mother's Day.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 6, 2019
Dear Mummy

I had a very bad dream last night. I had to try to walk me out of the dream almost... I don't remember it very well but it seemed like there was something in some house somewhere that you were supposed to go and get something from. There were many houses and I didn't know which one you would be in. I was supposed to go and pick you up in 10-15 minutes but somehow I forgot. It was few hours or so later when I remembered and I got in the car and was very upset at what I had done. I called you to find out where to pick you up but you wouldn't tell me. You were crying and sounded like you thought I wasn't coming and now you wouldn't let me pick you up. I told you that I would count to three and then may be hit my car against a tree or something if you didn't tell me. But you would not tell me. Then I woke up very scared and upset.

I think this dream was telling me what I so regret - abandoning you and not forcing you two to move back to Maryland and not taking care of you the way I should have. Now its too late.

What can I do now Mummy? Too late for everything. I just have to believe that you understand and that you still love me from wherever you are. And that some day you will come for me just like you did for Papa.

Missing you and love you always.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 5, 2019
Dear Mummy

I thought of you as we sat in front of the water fountain at the Sculpture Garden yesterday. You liked it very much when we took you there, probably in 2012. It was a lot of walking you did that day! I missed you. 

Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on April 30, 2019
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream on 25th, 6 days ago. You cooked a lot of veggies. There seem to be lots of guests at the house. I suggested that we buy naan or something from store so you don't have to make so many of them at home. Surprisingly, you agreed! You looked happy. It was a nice dream. Wish I had one every night...

I miss you Mummy. But you know that already. So many things remind me of you. A lot of times now I wish I could call you to talk. I have so many things to talk about. I hope you can hear me when I am talking to you...

I love you Mummy.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on April 19, 2019
Dear Mummy

It will be exactly 4 years tonight since last time you came in my dream and we had a nice walk. I have such vivid memory of this particular dream! So real it was. We started walking - you and me - and everything was black and white. The trees on the sides of the streets looked bleak. But as we continued on our walk, they started becoming colorful and looked happy. You looked happy and healthy! It is such a beautiful memory of mine - I will never forget it. Just like the one on that late June morning when you woke up at the hospital room after spending 12 days in ICU and you were so hungry! Those two are two of my best memories. Thank you for the gift you gave me.

May be we will walk again tonight - together - may be even will give a hug like the other night. I felt your touch when I woke up!

I miss you so much... miss all of you. Don't leave me; stay with me in my dreams. I need that Mummy.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on April 15, 2019
Dear Mummy

You wrote me once "tum humsai bhi apne dil kee baat nehi karogi tow kaisai chalaiga?" I wish you were somewhere where I could call you now and tell you all that troubles me. Wish I could get your advise. If you had been well all those years instead of all that happened, we would have talked more 'about me'. There was just no time in last so many years - almost one-third of your life when I could not worry about you. I worried so much. You asked with annoyance "Humai bandh kai rakh legi kya?" and I replied "haan, rakh loongi.". Per kehan rakh paayee. Haath chuda ker chali gayee. Papa nai to kuch keha bhi nehi - chupchaap akailai chalai gayai. Tum aayee thi kiya papa ko lainai? 

I need you so much; have so much to tell you; so much to talk to you about; so many places to go with you. Your illness took so much out of all our lives; and then Papa's took whatever was left. All that time lost! and it cannot be made up for. Come back, Mummy. I miss you all so much - as much as you thought I would. Somehow I never thought about a life without you. I couldn't picture it. You knew it would be very hard for me, didn't you? It is.

Come back, even if just in my dreams...

Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on March 14, 2019
Dear Mummy

I read this some times as this was your last email. You only wrote 4 between
Friday, April 27, 2012 4:42:40 PM and May 3, 2012 11:50:34AM. But I have your letters. I wish...

Love you and Miss you always...
Your daughter
==============================================================
From: "Saroj Bansal"
To: "Sandhia McLeod"
Sent: Thursday, May 3, 2012 11:50:34 AM
Subject: RE: For Mummy
I will not give up
love
mummy
Date: Thu, 3 May 2012 10:19:41 +0000
From: sandhia@comcast.net
To: saroj37@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: For Mummy
We all need to be strong some time. Some people can be and some just give up.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on March 3, 2019
Dear Mummy

I had a very bad dream yesterday - a night before. Seemed like Papa had to go to doctors' by himself. First they said it would be hour and a half before they could see him. Then when I called you to tell you, you told me that doctors told him he had to wait for four hours! You sounded very sad. I asked you if you had eaten - we were worried about how Papa was going to eat and make it through the day. You started crying. Then I woke up.

Mummy, are you two okay where you are? I don't like to see you cry. I haven't seen you cry much - you were such a strong person. I am so sad since this dream. Will you come for me today in my dream? Come and give me a hug like the one you gave me last time. I woke up with a feeling that you touched me and I felt your hug. I need that now again.

What to do without you all? Show me a way that I can live the rest of my life doing that is important to you. It is hard without you. 

Wish I could call you again. Wish I picked up the phone and you were at the other end. Wish I could hear you singing 'Happy... happy...' once again.

Love you so much.
And miss you even more.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on March 1, 2019
Dear Mummy

"Like a butterfly in Flight,
     You drifted off to Paradise."

Miss you more every day. Will I see you again? Why does it still seem impossible that you will never walk with me again in life? I did not imagine that I would miss you this much Mummy. Now that Papa has also left me, I think about all four of you almost all the time. You are always on my mind. 

Wish you could come back and we could go to Disney again and take the "It's a small...small... World". Come and walk with me in my dream. It's been a long time and I miss our walks so much. Often when I am coming home, I drive by that path we walked the last time on October 7th 2012 and I always look at that spot you stepped down from to come down to the street from sidewalk and I thought you were a little unbalanced and it worried me. You never let us know the extent to which you were ill and didn't feel well. Now I understand it. That was the last time we walked in Maryland. After that life changed in just four months. When I left you at the end of 2012 after your 54th anniversary, I wasn't to know that next time I see you, both of your lives would have been altered so much for the worse. You lost so much after working so hard to give us a good life and then after Papa's stroke, all was lost for you. Mummy had I known that I would lose you so soon, I would have spent more time with you. Now I have time but you are no longer here. Chris used to tell me to go visit you every other month but I worried about taking time off and money. Wish I listened to him. 

I read your old letters and feel such sadness in them now that I don't think I recognized then. I will take them with me as well as Babaji Ammaji's letters. They will forever be with me.
 
Did I tell you I miss you very much?

Love you so very much.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on February 14, 2019
Dear Mummy

When I think of sitting with you on that bench for the last time in the evening on September 7th, I can really go back in time and sit there and feel your presence. It is very comforting to me. I hope you are somewhere happy and are looking down at me.

Today, 6 years ago, at this time Papa was free for the last time - to move about - to do whatever he wanted to do. The last night he would sleep well and wake up ready for the day. This is the last night before the beginning of a nightmare that would affect all our lives - but most of all - his and yours. You too lost everything when he lost the life he knew. I know how much it hurt you to even lose the room you were familiar with for so many years and to lose the protection you had with him being well enough to take care of you. I only try to imagine but probably cannot comprehend fully the extent of your loss. But you never complained and became so quiet. I think it is because you became even more scared of living and gave up. 

Mummy, how I wish I had been around more for you - took you out a bit more and listened to you more. Wish I had some more time with you. I miss you all so very much!

I used to send you flowers for Valentine's day. Where can I send those now? Do you know and can you see how much I am thinking of you?

Happy Valentine's day to all of you who made up my World...

Love you
Your daughter
Page 1 of 7

Leave a Tribute

 
Recent Tributes
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 24, 2020
Dear Mummy

I saw you in my dream last couple of nights. First time you were far away and I told myself that it were you. Next time I left a room where you would be living in. You said that you slept on the sofa and I knew why - I forgot to make the bed before leaving. And I thought you should have said something. But you were very quiet.

At one time you were sad that I didn't talk to you about my life and any issues I may have had. Now I wish you were there to listen. Wish I could talk to you about some of the things. Now I just imagine how it would have been like if you were around - we could do this and that - go to all those place...

I miss you...
Love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 18, 2020
Dear Mummy

I was just looking and saw that it has been 2,443 days since you and I sat together!!! How can so many days have passed and everything seems like just yesterday? I miss you so much - miss the comfort of knowing I could reach you any time I wanted to. 

We should have had many more years together. You were only 75... The doctors robbed you - robbed us - of so much!

I haven't seen you in my dream in a long time. I just miss our family so much. Now everyone is gone. I guess you were right to worry about me. What would have become of me without Chris? I am sure that Babaji sent him for me. There could be no one else but him...

But I still miss you very much. Every time I put on your top or sweater or the dress I made out of your Saris, I think of you - not that those are needed as reminders of you. You are always on my mind and in my heart.

I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope you are all together now.
I am glad you were mine...

Love you always.
Your daughter


Posted by Sandhia McLeod on May 10, 2020
Dear Mummy

Wish I could call and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Hope you can see what's in my heart.

Today, on this 7th Mother's Day without you, I need you to give me a gift - a gift of your strength. Help me be as strong as you; help me be like you...

I miss you more today if it is possible.
With all my love
Your daughter
Recent stories

Happy 80th Birthday

Shared by Sandhia McLeod on September 20, 2017

We celebrated the birthday at Fitchburg Senior Center where both Mummy and Papa used to go for exercises, Bridge, Craft etc.  Mummy made several quilts and knitted things for the Senior Center.

Papa could not go to celebrate it with Jill, Sarah and Laura to Swan Creek Park where Mummy's Memorial Bench is this year.  He was in Hospital, waiting to be released.  He always takes a balloon and rose to the Bench.  I was in Maryland but I sent the cake to the Sr. Center so that people there could enjoy it.  Mummy liked to have lots of people around.  Laura brought a rose to the Bench for her and placed it on her bench.

The Center posted the following on their Facebook page --
"
A big thank you to the Bansal family for the amazing cake they offered today in remembrance of Saroj's birthday. We miss Saroj's sweetness at the Senior Center, and are honored to remember her on this special day.
"

Playing in snow

Shared by Sandhia McLeod on February 19, 2017

1977, Our First Snow in United States.

Mummy, then barely 40 years old, playing in snow in Parking Lot of our Apartments.

Your 79th Birthday!

Shared by Sandhia McLeod on September 14, 2016

Papa celebrated your Birthday at your Bench at the swan creek park along with Jill and Laura.

Sounds like your spirit came through a butterfly who flew in as soon as they arrived and hung around the entire time!  Jill said it must be you and Tim agrees.  Papa and I believe it too.  I know you are looking out for us. 

Chris and I had dinner at Olive Garden - your favorite place.  You always used to tell me to go out to eat to celebrate your days. 

This was a good day.  Papa was feeling better after a few bad days - he would have been disappointed if he couldn't make it to the bench.  I had planned to be there but I was needed there earlier this month.  But you are in my heart and so you are wherever I am.  I feel really happy about the butterfly.  I feel happy that papa was able to go there and I am happy for having a husband who helped me celebrate your day and for friends who took time out of their busy schedule to send off the balloon to you.  Most of all, I am happy that you came. 

Will you come and take a walk with me one more time?