"Forget I ever had Heartache; Remember I had lots of fun.."
"I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end"

Missing you - 5 Years, 5 months and 6 days (1985 days)
  • 75 years old
  • Born on September 14, 1937 in Mawana, Dist. Meerut, India.
  • Passed away on September 8, 2013 in Fitchburg, Wisconsin, United States.

Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, his wife Gauri and two of their daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 14th February 2019
Dear Mummy
When I think of sitting with you on that bench for the last time in the evening on September 7th, I can really go back in time and sit there and feel your presence. It is very comforting to me. I hope you are somewhere happy and are looking down at me.
Today, 6 years ago, at this time Papa was free for the last time - to move about - to do whatever he wanted to do. The last night he would sleep well and wake up ready for the day. This is the last night before the beginning of a nightmare that would affect all our lives - but most of all - his and yours. You too lost everything when he lost the life he knew. I know how much it hurt you to even lose the room you were familiar with for so many years and to lose the protection you had with him being well enough to take care of you. I only try to imagine but probably cannot comprehend fully the extent of your loss. But you never complained and became so quiet. I think it is because you became even more scared of living and gave up.
Mummy, how I wish I had been around more for you - took you out a bit more and listened to you more. Wish I had some more time with you. I miss you all so very much!
I used to send you flowers for Valentine's day. Where can I send those now? Do you know and can you see how much I am thinking of you?
Happy Valentine's day to all of you who made up my World...
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th January 2019
Dear Mummy
I went to Shoppers on Saturday and remembered that day long ago when I happened to stop by that store and found you and Papa near the veggies. Not sure why I was there at that time of day and more than that not sure why you were there so far away from home. I haven't been there probably since that day.
So I thought of that day and almost expected to see you two there. But I couldn't find you there. Miss those days! Still I don't know how it is possible that you all are gone.
I wrote a letter to Dr. Perry today letting her know about Papa. Also sending her a copy of your calendar. I will probably never see her again. But will always remember her because she brought smile to your face. I remember how she enveloped you when she gave you a hug - you being so small and she being big! It was nice to see that. Did you know that she came to your tehravi? She had tears in her eyes as she sat there and remembered you. I will never forget that.
Because of you and Papa I met so many wonderful people. That was another gift you left for me.
Missing you as always. your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 18th January 2019
Dear Mummy
It's been 1959 days today since we last talked!
Miss you every day. With Love, Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th January 2019
Dear Mummy
Today Chris reminded me of a day long ago - even before we were married and you and Papa were there in Greenbelt house. Papa and I had gone out for something. You were alone in the house. You apparently called Chris at work (he was surprised that you had his number). He remembered the whole thing so well. He said that you told him "I don't feel well. You come here" :-) (It does sound like something you would say). He came over and you talked for a minute at the door and then sat down on sofa. He said he had his arm around you and you put your head on his shoulder and cried. He asked you if you wanted him to call an ambulance but you said no and that you were feeling better.
He was a little emotional as he was telling me the story. I had forgotten it. I reminded him of the last time he and I came to Madison - August 31st, 2013. When he came in the room, you sat up and he sat down next to you with his arm around you. I remember how you cried on his shoulder that day. Somehow you felt close to him and it gives me some relief. You rarely ever cried - I don't think I remember you crying except of that one time when I called you at night at home (Papa was in hospital). I was upset about you not taking your diabetes medication correctly. Gauri yelled at you and you cried on the phone. My heart breaks when I think of it. Why didn't I get on the next flight and come over? I don't have the answers to my own questions now Mummy. Just feel like I wasted so much time that I could have spent with you - talking and mostly listening. I loved you so much; and always will. But I have so many regrets. I should not have left you there in Madison because I knew of all the issues. I was selfish - there is no other answer to this and I will always regret this.
Missing you so much today.
Love you always... Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 1st January 2019
Happy New Year, Mummy - wherever you are...
I called to wish you this last time on January 1st 2013. We had just spent your anniversary together in Madison. Who knew everything will change so drastically and suddenly in a month and 14 days. You lost everything with Papa's stroke - didn't you? The little sense of security; the privacy; your room - everything. Wish I was there more for you... I miss you so very much.
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th December 2018
Dear Mummy
I feel very alone today. Even Papa has gone away now... I miss you two very much. Are you two together and happy? Come and tell me sometime...
I finished sorting Babaji Ammaji's letters - remember, how we used to cry as we read them? There must be a thousand letters! I am going to try to make a book just to preserve them. But I noticed that after 1980, there are not many at all - may be just a very few. I wonder what happened to them. I know Ammaji must have written lots more. But I will never find them now. Wish I looked for them when you were still around...
I wish we could go for a walk one more time. One more vacation... One more...
Miss you so very much. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 26th December 2018
Dear Mummy Papa
I thought of you all day yesterday. Wished I could call and wish you 60th Wedding Anniversary... I am happy that I was there with you at the last one you celebrated together - December 2012. We made pizza at home, remember?
Nothing is the same without you. Wish I started making annual calendars before you were gone Mummy. I think you would have liked these. And Papa, I don't know how to send you the new calendar. You didn't leave a forwarding address. Hope you can see it from wherever you are. I remember you wrote to me last time in December 2017 that you liked the new calendar with its new photos. I thought of that often when I made the one for 2019. You never got to use the one for 2018. The year has gone by so quickly. I am sick this year at Christmas just as I was at last and I wondered at this coincidence whether you were back at Belmont again!
I didn't send off a balloon as I had promised - could not go out last couple of days. And I didn't make samosas as I was planning to. As soon as I am better, I will do both. I am sure you can see me and know that I thought of you every minute yesterday and missed you so very much.
Well, happy 60th Wedding Anniversary and Merry Christmas. Love and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 14th December 2018
Dear Mummy
I had a dream last night. You, Papa and I were somewhere in a huge house and we were celebrating something like holi in the middle court yard. For some reason we were thinking it was nice that others couldn't see us there.
You looked happy.
I miss your smile and you telling me not to brood. How did you keep or at least keep looking happy enough until it became just impossible? Where did that strength come from and why didn't you pass some of it on to me? You will just have to stay with me until I can be with you again.
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th December 2018
Dear Mummy
You used to ask me to write you a letter - so I thought I write you one today.
I was just thinking that I am so happy that you knew until the end - especially at the end - that I loved you very much. Only I hope that it was enough - enough for you to be at peace at that time. I hope my love was enough to make up for what you felt you did not have.
It had been a long journey - a very long one! 25 years is a very long time out of 75 years - one-third of your life - you spent with one thing after the other. I often wonder how our lives would have been - as a family - if you hadn't had cancer and didn't go through so many medical issues. May be we would have had more normal lives because you would have been strong - physically. I know you were always - until the very end - emotionally very strong. Surprisingly so was Papa. I am very proud of him, you know, now especially when I look back that he was able to and wanted to do so much even under such awful conditions. But I am sorry to say that I have not inherited the 'strong' gene from you two or from Babaji Ammaji. I am not strong. I see you sometimes in my dream - probably because you know that I am not strong and that I need you so very much.
Mummy show me the way so I can live my life missing you; loving you; but being thankful for what I still have. You were able to do this. Don't leave me now because your hand is still on me - I feel it - and it does give me strength.
Something I read, I would have wanted to say to you. Hope you will know it somehow now -- "When I am very quiet, I can hear you whisper; when it is very dark, I can see your light; When I am kind, I can feel your love.".
I try to remember this when I am being unkind - I always want to feel your love. How could I live without it? All four of you have given me so much - it is enough for more than one lifetime and I am very grateful for it.
I love you very much. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2018
Dear Mummy
First one without all four of you.
Please give me strength to get through the day and live rest of my life in a way that you would approve. Give me the wisdom to cherish your memories and at the same time cherish what I still have.
You left me in Chris's hands and he looks out for me more than can ever be expected and loves me the way I don't deserve. You were so strong; so very strong. I need you to help me gain some of that so that I can live on making myself deserving of him and at the same time keeping you in my heart and memory.
Missed your call this morning.
Missing you very much today. Your's Gudiya
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 21st November 2018
Dear Mummy
Missed you much on the cruise. It was September 2012 when we cruised to Bahamas for your birthday. I have few pictures of you and me sitting on a tram and you were talking to someone sitting next to you, smiling. How would I have known then that it would be your last birthday with us?
While sitting in the balcony, I thought of how it would have been if you, Papa, Babaji and Ammaji were there also... how you would sit and say...
Wish I could have those days back again... When I think of you, which is often, you are there just as you ever were. I can see your face as clearly as back then. Mummy, wish I could talk to you now like you used to wish we did then. I need you; need your wisdom and your strength...
I tried to do something for Diwali this time. Its been ages since we celebrated it - it was before you two moved to Wisconsin. Just wanted to carry on the traditions and felt like it would make me feel closer to you - closer to my roots.
Hugs. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 20th October 2018
Oh Mummy -- I miss you so much...
Though I can go and sit with you and feel you whenever I want - just as if it was yesterday. I am grateful for that.
3-4 nights ago when I was feeling very distressed, both you and Papa came in my dream. I feel always close to you and that is a blessing. Yesterday was Dasshara and I thought of all of you often. I remembered that Ammaji and I used to make rangoli on the wall and it was such fun! Papa was all alone last few years on this day. But this year you were all together and that brings me some peace.
Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 15th October 2018
Dear Mummy
When I pressed Chris today what he would have done if he was in my shoe, he said that I should have tried to keep you with me or at least helped you get out in your own place. Mummy, I was selfish and did not take care of you. I will have to live with that. I loved you so very much and my heart ached for you all the time but I just couldn't and didn't do the right thing.
Tell me that you still love me and know how much regret I have but now I can't make it better and may be this is my punishment.
Love you and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th October 2018
Dear Mummy
Last night I watched a DVD of your Cruise of December 2010 to the Caribbeans. I wish I could give you a hug... you badly needed it then and I badly need it now. There was a song in it from Mera Saya - 'Kabhi mujk ko yaad ker kai jo bahaingai terai aansoo... Tou wahi pai rok laingai unhai aa kai merai aansoo..... Kabhi mein bichud bhi jaaoon tou bhi mera gum no kerna... Mera pyaar yaad ker kai kabhi aankh num na kerna.....' I felt like you were saying this to me. I know how much you were worried about how I would live without you. I miss you so much, Mummy. I just wish I gave you more hugs and talked less and listened more.
Yesterday I did your 'Shradh' and celebrated Papa's birthday on the same day. I hope you are at peace. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 6th October 2018
Dear Mummy
You have Papa with you today on his day. We used to have dahi with cheeni in the good old days and I remember it now very fondly and can almost taste it. We may not have had much in terms of 'things' but we had lots and lots of love.
I feel very lucky that I had the best.
Will be seeing you some day.
Love and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th September 2018
Dear Mummy
Missed your call today. Missed a card from you both. Last card you sent me was in 2012 that both of you signed! It is still sitting where I can see it ever day. I told Chris earlier that 13 years ago today both our parents were around and other than Babaji and Ammaji not being with us, life was pretty complete. Babaji Ammaji would have been so happy to have been here that day. I wonder often now why Ammaji never came to be with us - what prevented her coming. From her letters it sounds like she was very willing to come. I often wonder about things like these. I miss you all so very much.
No one remembers our day anymore. You would have called and said "Go out to dinner or lunch today". No one cares anymore. Miss your voice but I can still here it on audio - still not the same as 'real' thing.
Did you know I would miss you so much? You knew I would but did you know that I would miss you this much?
I did get a present from you and Papa today!! I know you are somewhere watching out for me. Got new Endowment portfolio and your pictures that Joann found from your volunteer time at St. Mary's. Dina sent those to me and I happened to have got them today. You have a BIG smile on your face and Papa is looking happy to be there at the gift shop to start the day. What a present! Thank you both.
Love you Mummy - wherever you are.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd September 2018
Dear Mummy
Here's Papa exactly three years since your time in the same place. How quickly the time went by. At your time, he was there and I felt so empty this time... and alone...
I could not take him on a cruise as he wanted so badly to go - but this was a short boat ride to the Sea and I held on to him as tightly as I could until we reached the place where we left you.
I know you found one another.
Until we meet again. Your daughter
Posted by Navneet Bansal on 15th September 2018
An Unforgettable personality very very away from any show off. Happy Birthday Chachi ji. where ever you are rest in peace
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 14th September 2018
Happy 81st Birthday, Mummy - wherever you are. I thought about how I used to call you on your special days and how you would answer it. Usually you were at breakfast when I called. I know you heard my call today.
Wish I could...
I will listen to your messages later when I get home
Left a candle lit for you today. I will have your favorite Veggie Calzone today for dinner and celebrate your day
Loving and Missing you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 14th September 2018
Dear Mummy
Tomorrow is your 81st birthday! You went away too soon! My heart is breaking because you are not within a phone call reach; I can't touch you or walk with you. Can't fight with you... I try to tell myself that some day I will see you again and so I should try to live the way you wanted me to - 'happy... happy...'. I know how sad it must make you to see me sad. But I miss you so much.
Well, Happy Birthday Mummy. Last year Papa wrote a card for you on your birthday - 'September for Happy Birthday... September for missing you forever...' I did not know that Papa was a poet! This card is now on your bench at Swan Creek. You have a nice little garden at your bench. You loved to grow things - now you have your very own little garden.
I love you, Mummy. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 10th September 2018
Dear Mummy
Last time we went to Clearwater/Tampa was in 1992. We drove through Florida - Orlando, Miami, Tampa, Treasure Island, Clearwater, and probably a few more places. After we returned, I even tried to find job in Clearwater. Did not know it then that it would be the place where you and Papa will finally come to rest.
The loss is now complete.
Missing you very much but you are always close.
Your daughter
Posted by Navneet Bansal on 9th September 2018
A lot of good and swt memories are left for our elder generation. We are feeling like to walk in Sun without an umbrella. You will always remain in our memories.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th September 2018
Dear Mummy
Three years to the day... Papa is coming to the Sea. I know both of you would want this to happen and so I will bring him. It broke my heart when I took you there and it breaks again now but... some day I will see you again... some day you will come for me when you know time is right.
Love you and miss you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd September 2018
Mummy -- Aaj 41 saal ho gayai... 41 saal pehlai aaj hum yehaan aayai thai. Tum thi, Papa thai. Babaji Ammaji bhi thai - door thai per thai tow... Sab kuch badal gaya hai ab. Beetai dino ki yadain aur afsos kitni he baaton ka. Is maheenai, tum is duniya mein aayee bhi aur gayee bhi. Papa nai pichlai saal (September 2017) mein jab Belmont mein thai, tumharai liyai likha tha --
"September for Happy Birthday... September for Missing you Forever..."
I sent that card with him. Did he give it to you? He missed you. Aaj tumhari dairy padh ker mujhai bahut dukh hua ki mainai tumhara dhyaan nehi rakha.
Per ab tow bahut dair ho chuki hai.
Jab mein miloongi tow khoob ladoongi... Come in my dream and tell me how to celebrate your birthday...
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd September 2018
Dear Mummy
Aaj mein tumhari doosri diary padh rethi thi. Tumnai kabhi mujh sai baat bhi nehi kari. Itnai saalon mein itna sub kuch saha - chupchaap... Kabhi mujh sai to baat kar leti... Aab mein kya karoon? Itna sub jaan ker ab mein majboor hoon. Kuch ker nehi sakti... Mainai tumhara dhyaan nehi rakha... Aab mein kya karoon Mummy? Mujhai bula lo ab... Bula lo... Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 30th August 2018
Dear Mummy
I am watching 'I Love Lucy' today. I know you loved that show. I think I had a dream about you. I was waiting somewhere for you, Papa and Chris - at a restaurant with Ice Cream. I didn't know how long you all would be.
I also had a vague feeling thinking that Papa wasn't able to walk much anymore - it is all kind of unclear now.
I miss our walks now. Last time you and I walked together was July 2013 and you had that portable IV on your shoulder.
We went to see 'Bollywood Blvd' last Sunday and I thought of you and Papa often during the show. I could see your smiling face and hear your voice 'acchcha tha program' - you would smile and say. Miss your smile.
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th August 2018
Dear Mummy
Papa wrote this for you to present at your memorial --
================================================= The light has gone. The Lady who enlightened major portion of my life has gone. She was Saroj Bansal, my wife. She was with me for 54 years, 10 months and 14 days. She was the pillar at the difficult time of my life and shared with me the good and bad of life. During the past 20 years, I did not remember a day when we were not together. At this difficult time, she will continue to enlighten my life through her memories. She will always remain in my Heart. I pray God that wherever she may be, she may rest in peace. She would be 76 years on September 14th and I wish her Best Wishes from my Heart. At this time, I take the opportunity to convey my thanks to all of you who came here and shared with me the sorrow at this difficult time. I am very grateful for your presence here. I am thankful to Doctors who attended her. Especially I am thankful to Dr. Rahko and Kim who gave her a gift of life for at least three years. Thank you =================================================
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th August 2018
Dear Mummy
With you all comfortable things are gone; and with Papa - all familiar. I thought he would be around another year or two. Wish you were here so I could talk to you about somethings I want to talk about. You used to complain that I never talked about myself and never shared what was happening with me with you much. But then I was so busy trying to make it better for you. Now I have all the time - enough to have things that I want to tell you.
May be we will talk in my dream?
Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 6th August 2018
Dear Mummy
I saw you and Papa in my dream together Saturday night! We were shopping and you liked something but as usual you were concerned about what it cost! And I was telling you 'who are you saving for?' :) You looked good. And Papa was sitting in a bed and someone said that he should be moved to another room. I was concerned about that because I thought he was more comfortable in bed in this room than the other one where he would be sitting in chair!
Just a simple little thing but it was so good to see you together. It made me smile whenever I thought of it.
Missing you...
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd August 2018
Dear Mummy
Even when I think of you - almost 5 years since I last saw you in person - such a warm feeling comes over me and I almost feel comforted. I know you are somewhere always seeing me and feeling my love.
Missing you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 24th July 2018
Dear Mummy
You always knew me - my heart - just like Babaji did. So you know everything. Come for me...
I Love you very much and miss you more every day. Your daughter.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 22nd July 2018
Dear Mummy
I had a dream about you this morning. You and I were walking into a house we lived in. You looked healthy. Seems like Papa was gone and you were saying - "I used to be little annoyed with Papa" :) Yes, I said, that was true. I had some trouble locking the car and we went it the house. Wish I could do that again... walk into a house with you.
I hope you and Papa are happy now - wherever you are - not annoyed :) . I hope you will come for me just like you did for Papa.
I talked with Ginger on Thursday during my latest trip to Madison. It sounded like Papa just went in his sleep peacefully. I have this picture of you coming down and taking him by the hand "Come with me... It is enough..." - you may have said. Hope you will come for me just like that when you think time is right. I am not afraid of dying now because I believe I will see all four of you again and we will be together.
I saw the bricks that Papa and I dedicated to you at St. Mary's Hospital garden. It is a very peaceful place! Just as peaceful is where your bench is in Swan Creek Park. It is a nice little personal garden around the bench - it looks like. Really pretty. There is also a place for Monarc butterflies to rest - you liked butterflies!
Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 16th July 2018
Dear Mummy
You are always on my mind... but so much more when I come to Madison and come down the lobby at the airport. You used to call me then and tell me that you were at the cell phone lot and that I should let you know when I was ready. You both used to pick me up... then only Papa and now nobody... It feels really strange - almost as if it was all a dream. Oh how I miss you mummy. I miss sleeping in your room in sleeping bag... I miss you waking up in the morning and exercise - I used to watch you and was so proud of you that you were doing all you could to keep your body moving. I miss you making breakfast; miss your kheer; miss Papa's Cappuccino... But you were my Mummy and you loved me as I loved you. I will always love you. I can find you near whenever I think of you and can go back in my mind and take a walk with you anytime I want. I miss talking to you Mummy. I know at the time I didn't much because I worried about you so. You wanted to know about me but I didn't have time for that. But now I have somethings to talk about - something to get your advise for; I so long to call you and hope that you would call me or write to me once again that "agar hamsey bhi apne man ki baat nehin karogi tau kaisai chalaiga?". I wish now I could tell you all that is in my head. You were able to solve things so easily and I need that. If you were here, we could go out to dinner or lunch and I could feel safe again and as if I was home. I have to now settle for feeling you in my heart and feeling your touch when I think of it. But I am glad for it. Chris says that he can also feel his Mom's touch when he thinks of it. So I know what I feel is real too. Missing you so much today as I sit in my hotel room. I went and closed the box today and brought all your jewelry and Diwali coins and all. I will keep them safe and make sure that they are safe even after I am gone - I promise. I will make sure that your letters and everything you wrote that I have stays safe forever. I love you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 30th June 2018
Dear Mummy
You used to say you see 'tirmirai'-sai in front of your eyes - and something like stars and I thought this was just in your head! I know now that it was real. I think about lots of things now I did not before. I worry about things that will get lost. I will try to find a way to preserve at least some of these. Some day I will see you again - that is my hope. And we will walk together once again...
Miss you and love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 10th June 2018
Dear Mummy
I saw you in my dream last night and a night before. The night before I saw that Chris and I were somewhere where it was flooding and water level was rising slowly. There didn't seem to be a place to go. Then somehow we were with you and you were at a higher place which was still dry. I was being protective you and thought not to tell you about the upcoming flood which was going to take us all - I didn't want you to worry until you had to. I seem to think that you were looking very well - kind of even had a reddish tint! Then we went down to the original place and saw that the water was subsiding after all! And last night I saw that you, me and two other people whom I don't know were at a restaurant. You put somethings in a bowl and then I realized that we were at your favorite Mangolian Grill! It was nice to see you well. I often remember our last visit to Mangolian Grill. You were standing there with your bowl to take to the grill and your hands were slightly shaking. I know you loved that place. Wish we could go there again. I miss you so much that it hurts but I think you are watching over me. And I know that it hurts you to see me hurt. You used to cry so much wondering what would happen to me when you were both gone... Chris gave you a peace of mind and you left me in his hands - with just a little bit of peace of mind... I think about you always... I think about you often... -- by ?? Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th June 2018
Dear Mummy
Yesterday when I went for a short walk with Mae, she told me that the best thing she remembered about you and Papa was the times when you were out for a walk and you saw her working in her garden, you would stop and always tell her how beautiful her flowers were! She thinks you were very nice. She said 'your mom was cute :-)' - that you were... Its nice when someone mentions you - it feels really good to be able to talk about you and Papa - and Babaji, Ammaji. When?... Missing you and Loving you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th May 2018
Dear Mummy
Now all four sets of parents one can have are all beyond our reach. I wonder at it how we got here... Where the time has gone? You used to wonder about that some times too; but now I truly feel the loss of something very precious. I am happy to have had you all be the ones to whom I belonged - to whom I will always belong. Happy to have experienced the kind of love that I have received from all of you - as unworthy of it as I have been. Thank you for all your loving care. I know you are still looking out for me. But I miss seeing you so much. Miss not being able to come for a visit; not being able to have you over for a visit. In my mind I play out alternate scenarios where three of us could have stayed together and may be things would have turned out different... But it is all too late now. And I feel so helpless with this feeling that I can never go back and may be try to do better... try to be more worthy of your love. Thank you for being my Mummy. I still have your email in which you said "I won't give up". You didn't. Love you and miss you very much Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th May 2018
Dear Mummy
This morning in my dream you, Papa and I were at a restaurant somewhere and we ordered what looked like fried potatoes (may be tikki?)? -- your favorite.
I miss you so much; miss kheer; miss your cooking...
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2018
Happy Mother's Day, Mummy! I missed calling you this morning... Missed hearing your voice. Missed going out to lunch with you. But I did do what you always used to ask me to do on this day - go out for lunch - mexican chips. I thought of you all the while. Sometimes I remember that day in Nainital when we were up on China Peak and suddenly the clouds came down and surrounded us. We couldn't even see each other! But I knew you were there. Just like that day, I know you are with me always and thinking that makes me smile a little. Happy.. happy.... Remember? Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th May 2018
Dear Mummy Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I used to call you in the morning... Will you be able to look in my heart and know that I am missing you very much... Will you come and give me a hug in my dream? Will Ammaji? Where can I send the flowers now? " Now I know why you wanted me to be strong... Because you knew that some day I will have to bear your loss. " - someone said this but so true for us! Lots of love and memories. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 4th May 2018
Dear Mummy Wish we could take that trip to Niagara once again! We didn't have much money but we did travel a lot, didn't we? I have so many wonderful memories of our trips together both in India and here! Wish I could go back in time and have your cancer diagnosed in time. How our lives would have gone a different way, if only... But I will always have my memories of you... and you in my heart. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 26th April 2018
Dear Mummy Today its been 38 years since Babaji left us - may be 'left us' is not the right term because he will always live on in my heart as long as I live. Remember, you and I used to cry and cry a lot of tears when we first came to this country and read the letters that Babaji and Ammaji sent? How we missed them! But then there was hope to see them again. Will I see you all again? Missing all four of you who made a home for me and gave me all you had. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th April 2018
Dear Mummy I wonder some times what it would have been like if you didn't have cancer or if we followed a different path without Chemo and it kept you in remission. How different our lives would have been if you were healthy. I look at other women with older Mothers than you and almost feel a tinge of envy - why couldn't mine have been able to live this long? Is it wrong? I know I am very flawed but that's how I feel. I am happy for them - just that I want that for me too. May be in a parallel universe somewhere you are happy.. At least I hope so... Missing you very much. Love Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th April 2018
Oh Mummy -- A yesterday with you is all I want... Missing you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 1st April 2018
Dear Mummy You held my hand so tight that night when you were going into diabetic coma. I can still feel the pressure on my hand. I wonder if I held your hand so tight on that last night you said Goodbye, would you have stayed? Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 31st March 2018
Dear Mummy I had a strangest thought the other day when I was looking at your picture. I thought - "when I am gone I won't be able to see your photos!"!! Crazy, eh? I can see you looking at funny at this thought - like you used to do. You knew my heart just like Babaji did. I miss you as much as you thought I would. Stay in my heart forever. I don't want to forget one single minute we spent together. Your letters are a gift to me now. Reading them I know all over again how much you loved me. In last so many years of your illness while trying to make sure all was done to keep you safe I forgot that you were the mother and I the daughter and that you loved me and worried about more than I could ever do for you. Like Chris said some time ago - 'You thought you were taking care of your Mom when she was looking out for you'! Today is first day of outdoor biking for us - even though we are running a bit late. I used to call you from rest stop, I remember, on Sundays to make sure you were going to Community Center. If you were going that meant you were feeling better and it made me feel better. Hope to see you again some day. Papa missed you too much at the end. That card he wrote for you - 'September is for Happy Birthday; September if for missing you forever' - I found it after you took him with you. It showed how deeply he missed you. He was lonely. I tried Mummy, you know I did - but he would not open up to me. You know how he was. I hope now you and he are happy along with Babaji and Ammaji. I miss you all so very much! Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd March 2018
Read This When You Miss Your Mom By JustJennaRose, March 3, 2017 “Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.” ― Mitch Albom, For One More Day Losing a mother is one of the most devastating things in the world. It happens and we somehow find the strength to go on. The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and before we know it here we are years later, wondering how we have made it this far without them physically in our lives. I’d like to think that when someone we love dies their body goes but their love remains. They live on through us. Through the things they left behind and the memories they have made. You’ll always miss your mom but there are moments in life when you just miss her a little more than usual. You’ll miss her when you’re simply in the store shopping and you see other women shopping with their mothers. You’ll miss her when you can’t remember that recipe she begged you to learn. You’ll miss her when someone else loses their mom. You’ll miss her when something great happens and she is the first person you want to call but you know if you tried, it wouldn’t be her voice on the other end. You’ll miss her on Mother’s Day when everyone else is celebrating their mothers and you feel all alone. You’ll miss her when you’ve had a bad day and you know that her embrace is the only one that can save you. You’ll miss her when you meet someone who reminds you or her, or has the same laugh as her, or was just as kind as her. You’ll miss her when you’re all alone in bed crying yourself to sleep because the thought of her being gone still comes as a shock to you. You’ll miss her when you need her advice. You’ll miss her when you no longer get to talk to her five times a day. You’ll miss her when you hear her favorite song. You’ll miss her when you see older women who were lucky enough to live their life that long and you’ll wonder why you mom wasn’t able to. You’ll miss her on the holidays and you’ll miss her on her birthday when you realize that another year has passed. You’ll miss her when you wonder what she would look like years later. You’ll miss her when you go through a horrible break up and know her words are the only ones that could ever help. You’ll miss her when you’re staring at the beautiful summer sky wondering where she is but when you miss you mom remember how much she loved you, remember that she never wanted to leave you and there is nothing in this world that she wouldn’t have done to be able to see you live out your life. When you miss your mom, go that extra step to make her proud, live the life she wanted you to live, be the person she wanted you to be. When you miss your mom do something to honor her, something that can bring you joy. When you miss your mom remember the way it felt to be around her, the way she hugged you, and the way she would have done anything in the world for you.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 16th March 2018
Dear Mummy Whenever I am standing in the cold waiting for bus wearing that very light and extremely warm jacket, I always think of you and wish I found this jacket back when you were around. You would have loved it because it is so light. I know the heavy jackets were difficult for you to wear. So many things I do with you in my imagination now. Wish I didn't let you two go to Wisconsin all those years ago. We lost so much time! And now all I have are your memories. But good thing about these memories are that they will always be with me - just like you will - always in my heart and my blood; always with me - when I am sad or when I am happy - I can still share all I feel with you. I know you are with me - always. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 4th March 2018
Dear Mummy I was reading some of your letters yesterday as I happened to come across them while cleaning up. Oh, how I wish I could bring the time back and see you again. Just one more hug... one more touch. How sad you sounded in one of those written after Papa's first seizure. So alone you were... I tried to get you to come and stay in Maryland for a short vacation and time off from every day things but you wouldn't leave Papa. That would have been nice time for two of us and it would have given you a break. I am pretty sure you were in my dream last night - sort of a feeling that you were there - may be because reading your letters made me sad and I miss you a little bit more today. I know you will come for me when it is time just as you did for Papa when it became unbearable for him. Come for me... Miss you a lot today. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th February 2018
Dear Mummy I woke up yesterday with the same worry in the pit of my stomach that I used to when you were at home and Papa at hospital after the stroke. Only this time I was wondering whether you got to eat breakfast when you woke up alone without Papa. I wondered what you did and thought of when you got up. What a terrible time that must have been for you. Those were the only days when I saw/heard you crying. You were such a strong person but those months broke your spirit. I should have been there for you. Should have spent more time with you as you needed me more than Papa did. I should have taken you out just for a drive or something instead of spending all the time at hospital - so that you had a break and a chance to talk. Should have... All I have now left is "should have's". What do I do? How can I fix the un-fixable? Even that time when I left in July, angry with you because you didn't accept help easily, you understood me. You were able to see past my anger and frustration and know that it was because I was awfully worried about being left without you. That's why you picked up the phone and had that last conversation with Chris. You loved me more than I ever understood then. You worried so much about me. Stay with me until it's my time. I need your strength. Love you and miss you Your daughter

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