"Forget I ever had Heartache; Remember I had lots of fun.."
"I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end"

Missing you - 4 Years, 11 months and 12 days (1807 days)
  • 75 years old
  • Born on September 14, 1937 in Mawana, Dist. Meerut, India.
  • Passed away on September 8, 2013 in Fitchburg, Wisconsin, United States.

Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, his wife Gauri and two of their daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th August 2018
Dear Mummy
Papa wrote this for you to present at your memorial --
================================================= The light has gone. The Lady who enlightened major portion of my life has gone. She was Saroj Bansal, my wife. She was with me for 54 years, 10 months and 14 days. She was the pillar at the difficult time of my life and shared with me the good and bad of life. During the past 20 years, I did not remember a day when we were not together. At this difficult time, she will continue to enlighten my life through her memories. She will always remain in my Heart. I pray God that wherever she may be, she may rest in peace. She would be 76 years on September 14th and I wish her Best Wishes from my Heart. At this time, I take the opportunity to convey my thanks to all of you who came here and shared with me the sorrow at this difficult time. I am very grateful for your presence here. I am thankful to Doctors who attended her. Especially I am thankful to Dr. Rahko and Kim who gave her a gift of life for at least three years. Thank you =================================================
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th August 2018
Dear Mummy
With you all comfortable things are gone; and with Papa - all familiar. I thought he would be around another year or two. Wish you were here so I could talk to you about somethings I want to talk about. You used to complain that I never talked about myself and never shared what was happening with me with you much. But then I was so busy trying to make it better for you. Now I have all the time - enough to have things that I want to tell you.
May be we will talk in my dream?
Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 6th August 2018
Dear Mummy
I saw you and Papa in my dream together Saturday night! We were shopping and you liked something but as usual you were concerned about what it cost! And I was telling you 'who are you saving for?' :) You looked good. And Papa was sitting in a bed and someone said that he should be moved to another room. I was concerned about that because I thought he was more comfortable in bed in this room than the other one where he would be sitting in chair!
Just a simple little thing but it was so good to see you together. It made me smile whenever I thought of it.
Missing you...
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd August 2018
Dear Mummy
Even when I think of you - almost 5 years since I last saw you in person - such a warm feeling comes over me and I almost feel comforted. I know you are somewhere always seeing me and feeling my love.
Missing you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 24th July 2018
Dear Mummy
You always knew me - my heart - just like Babaji did. So you know everything. Come for me...
I Love you very much and miss you more every day. Your daughter.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 22nd July 2018
Dear Mummy
I had a dream about you this morning. You and I were walking into a house we lived in. You looked healthy. Seems like Papa was gone and you were saying - "I used to be little annoyed with Papa" :) Yes, I said, that was true. I had some trouble locking the car and we went it the house. Wish I could do that again... walk into a house with you.
I hope you and Papa are happy now - wherever you are - not annoyed :) . I hope you will come for me just like you did for Papa.
I talked with Ginger on Thursday during my latest trip to Madison. It sounded like Papa just went in his sleep peacefully. I have this picture of you coming down and taking him by the hand "Come with me... It is enough..." - you may have said. Hope you will come for me just like that when you think time is right. I am not afraid of dying now because I believe I will see all four of you again and we will be together.
I saw the bricks that Papa and I dedicated to you at St. Mary's Hospital garden. It is a very peaceful place! Just as peaceful is where your bench is in Swan Creek Park. It is a nice little personal garden around the bench - it looks like. Really pretty. There is also a place for Monarc butterflies to rest - you liked butterflies!
Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 16th July 2018
Dear Mummy
You are always on my mind... but so much more when I come to Madison and come down the lobby at the airport. You used to call me then and tell me that you were at the cell phone lot and that I should let you know when I was ready. You both used to pick me up... then only Papa and now nobody... It feels really strange - almost as if it was all a dream. Oh how I miss you mummy. I miss sleeping in your room in sleeping bag... I miss you waking up in the morning and exercise - I used to watch you and was so proud of you that you were doing all you could to keep your body moving. I miss you making breakfast; miss your kheer; miss Papa's Cappuccino... But you were my Mummy and you loved me as I loved you. I will always love you. I can find you near whenever I think of you and can go back in my mind and take a walk with you anytime I want. I miss talking to you Mummy. I know at the time I didn't much because I worried about you so. You wanted to know about me but I didn't have time for that. But now I have somethings to talk about - something to get your advise for; I so long to call you and hope that you would call me or write to me once again that "agar hamsey bhi apne man ki baat nehin karogi tau kaisai chalaiga?". I wish now I could tell you all that is in my head. You were able to solve things so easily and I need that. If you were here, we could go out to dinner or lunch and I could feel safe again and as if I was home. I have to now settle for feeling you in my heart and feeling your touch when I think of it. But I am glad for it. Chris says that he can also feel his Mom's touch when he thinks of it. So I know what I feel is real too. Missing you so much today as I sit in my hotel room. I went and closed the box today and brought all your jewelry and Diwali coins and all. I will keep them safe and make sure that they are safe even after I am gone - I promise. I will make sure that your letters and everything you wrote that I have stays safe forever. I love you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 30th June 2018
Dear Mummy
You used to say you see 'tirmirai'-sai in front of your eyes - and something like stars and I thought this was just in your head! I know now that it was real. I think about lots of things now I did not before. I worry about things that will get lost. I will try to find a way to preserve at least some of these. Some day I will see you again - that is my hope. And we will walk together once again...
Miss you and love you
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 10th June 2018
Dear Mummy
I saw you in my dream last night and a night before. The night before I saw that Chris and I were somewhere where it was flooding and water level was rising slowly. There didn't seem to be a place to go. Then somehow we were with you and you were at a higher place which was still dry. I was being protective you and thought not to tell you about the upcoming flood which was going to take us all - I didn't want you to worry until you had to. I seem to think that you were looking very well - kind of even had a reddish tint! Then we went down to the original place and saw that the water was subsiding after all! And last night I saw that you, me and two other people whom I don't know were at a restaurant. You put somethings in a bowl and then I realized that we were at your favorite Mangolian Grill! It was nice to see you well. I often remember our last visit to Mangolian Grill. You were standing there with your bowl to take to the grill and your hands were slightly shaking. I know you loved that place. Wish we could go there again. I miss you so much that it hurts but I think you are watching over me. And I know that it hurts you to see me hurt. You used to cry so much wondering what would happen to me when you were both gone... Chris gave you a peace of mind and you left me in his hands - with just a little bit of peace of mind... I think about you always... I think about you often... -- by ?? Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th June 2018
Dear Mummy
Yesterday when I went for a short walk with Mae, she told me that the best thing she remembered about you and Papa was the times when you were out for a walk and you saw her working in her garden, you would stop and always tell her how beautiful her flowers were! She thinks you were very nice. She said 'your mom was cute :-)' - that you were... Its nice when someone mentions you - it feels really good to be able to talk about you and Papa - and Babaji, Ammaji. When?... Missing you and Loving you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th May 2018
Dear Mummy
Now all four sets of parents one can have are all beyond our reach. I wonder at it how we got here... Where the time has gone? You used to wonder about that some times too; but now I truly feel the loss of something very precious. I am happy to have had you all be the ones to whom I belonged - to whom I will always belong. Happy to have experienced the kind of love that I have received from all of you - as unworthy of it as I have been. Thank you for all your loving care. I know you are still looking out for me. But I miss seeing you so much. Miss not being able to come for a visit; not being able to have you over for a visit. In my mind I play out alternate scenarios where three of us could have stayed together and may be things would have turned out different... But it is all too late now. And I feel so helpless with this feeling that I can never go back and may be try to do better... try to be more worthy of your love. Thank you for being my Mummy. I still have your email in which you said "I won't give up". You didn't. Love you and miss you very much Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th May 2018
Dear Mummy
This morning in my dream you, Papa and I were at a restaurant somewhere and we ordered what looked like fried potatoes (may be tikki?)? -- your favorite.
I miss you so much; miss kheer; miss your cooking...
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2018
Happy Mother's Day, Mummy! I missed calling you this morning... Missed hearing your voice. Missed going out to lunch with you. But I did do what you always used to ask me to do on this day - go out for lunch - mexican chips. I thought of you all the while. Sometimes I remember that day in Nainital when we were up on China Peak and suddenly the clouds came down and surrounded us. We couldn't even see each other! But I knew you were there. Just like that day, I know you are with me always and thinking that makes me smile a little. Happy.. happy.... Remember? Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th May 2018
Dear Mummy Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I used to call you in the morning... Will you be able to look in my heart and know that I am missing you very much... Will you come and give me a hug in my dream? Will Ammaji? Where can I send the flowers now? " Now I know why you wanted me to be strong... Because you knew that some day I will have to bear your loss. " - someone said this but so true for us! Lots of love and memories. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 4th May 2018
Dear Mummy Wish we could take that trip to Niagara once again! We didn't have much money but we did travel a lot, didn't we? I have so many wonderful memories of our trips together both in India and here! Wish I could go back in time and have your cancer diagnosed in time. How our lives would have gone a different way, if only... But I will always have my memories of you... and you in my heart. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 26th April 2018
Dear Mummy Today its been 38 years since Babaji left us - may be 'left us' is not the right term because he will always live on in my heart as long as I live. Remember, you and I used to cry and cry a lot of tears when we first came to this country and read the letters that Babaji and Ammaji sent? How we missed them! But then there was hope to see them again. Will I see you all again? Missing all four of you who made a home for me and gave me all you had. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th April 2018
Dear Mummy I wonder some times what it would have been like if you didn't have cancer or if we followed a different path without Chemo and it kept you in remission. How different our lives would have been if you were healthy. I look at other women with older Mothers than you and almost feel a tinge of envy - why couldn't mine have been able to live this long? Is it wrong? I know I am very flawed but that's how I feel. I am happy for them - just that I want that for me too. May be in a parallel universe somewhere you are happy.. At least I hope so... Missing you very much. Love Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th April 2018
Oh Mummy -- A yesterday with you is all I want... Missing you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 1st April 2018
Dear Mummy You held my hand so tight that night when you were going into diabetic coma. I can still feel the pressure on my hand. I wonder if I held your hand so tight on that last night you said Goodbye, would you have stayed? Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 31st March 2018
Dear Mummy I had a strangest thought the other day when I was looking at your picture. I thought - "when I am gone I won't be able to see your photos!"!! Crazy, eh? I can see you looking at funny at this thought - like you used to do. You knew my heart just like Babaji did. I miss you as much as you thought I would. Stay in my heart forever. I don't want to forget one single minute we spent together. Your letters are a gift to me now. Reading them I know all over again how much you loved me. In last so many years of your illness while trying to make sure all was done to keep you safe I forgot that you were the mother and I the daughter and that you loved me and worried about more than I could ever do for you. Like Chris said some time ago - 'You thought you were taking care of your Mom when she was looking out for you'! Today is first day of outdoor biking for us - even though we are running a bit late. I used to call you from rest stop, I remember, on Sundays to make sure you were going to Community Center. If you were going that meant you were feeling better and it made me feel better. Hope to see you again some day. Papa missed you too much at the end. That card he wrote for you - 'September is for Happy Birthday; September if for missing you forever' - I found it after you took him with you. It showed how deeply he missed you. He was lonely. I tried Mummy, you know I did - but he would not open up to me. You know how he was. I hope now you and he are happy along with Babaji and Ammaji. I miss you all so very much! Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd March 2018
Read This When You Miss Your Mom By JustJennaRose, March 3, 2017 “Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.” ― Mitch Albom, For One More Day Losing a mother is one of the most devastating things in the world. It happens and we somehow find the strength to go on. The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and before we know it here we are years later, wondering how we have made it this far without them physically in our lives. I’d like to think that when someone we love dies their body goes but their love remains. They live on through us. Through the things they left behind and the memories they have made. You’ll always miss your mom but there are moments in life when you just miss her a little more than usual. You’ll miss her when you’re simply in the store shopping and you see other women shopping with their mothers. You’ll miss her when you can’t remember that recipe she begged you to learn. You’ll miss her when someone else loses their mom. You’ll miss her when something great happens and she is the first person you want to call but you know if you tried, it wouldn’t be her voice on the other end. You’ll miss her on Mother’s Day when everyone else is celebrating their mothers and you feel all alone. You’ll miss her when you’ve had a bad day and you know that her embrace is the only one that can save you. You’ll miss her when you meet someone who reminds you or her, or has the same laugh as her, or was just as kind as her. You’ll miss her when you’re all alone in bed crying yourself to sleep because the thought of her being gone still comes as a shock to you. You’ll miss her when you need her advice. You’ll miss her when you no longer get to talk to her five times a day. You’ll miss her when you hear her favorite song. You’ll miss her when you see older women who were lucky enough to live their life that long and you’ll wonder why you mom wasn’t able to. You’ll miss her on the holidays and you’ll miss her on her birthday when you realize that another year has passed. You’ll miss her when you wonder what she would look like years later. You’ll miss her when you go through a horrible break up and know her words are the only ones that could ever help. You’ll miss her when you’re staring at the beautiful summer sky wondering where she is but when you miss you mom remember how much she loved you, remember that she never wanted to leave you and there is nothing in this world that she wouldn’t have done to be able to see you live out your life. When you miss your mom, go that extra step to make her proud, live the life she wanted you to live, be the person she wanted you to be. When you miss your mom do something to honor her, something that can bring you joy. When you miss your mom remember the way it felt to be around her, the way she hugged you, and the way she would have done anything in the world for you.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 16th March 2018
Dear Mummy Whenever I am standing in the cold waiting for bus wearing that very light and extremely warm jacket, I always think of you and wish I found this jacket back when you were around. You would have loved it because it is so light. I know the heavy jackets were difficult for you to wear. So many things I do with you in my imagination now. Wish I didn't let you two go to Wisconsin all those years ago. We lost so much time! And now all I have are your memories. But good thing about these memories are that they will always be with me - just like you will - always in my heart and my blood; always with me - when I am sad or when I am happy - I can still share all I feel with you. I know you are with me - always. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 4th March 2018
Dear Mummy I was reading some of your letters yesterday as I happened to come across them while cleaning up. Oh, how I wish I could bring the time back and see you again. Just one more hug... one more touch. How sad you sounded in one of those written after Papa's first seizure. So alone you were... I tried to get you to come and stay in Maryland for a short vacation and time off from every day things but you wouldn't leave Papa. That would have been nice time for two of us and it would have given you a break. I am pretty sure you were in my dream last night - sort of a feeling that you were there - may be because reading your letters made me sad and I miss you a little bit more today. I know you will come for me when it is time just as you did for Papa when it became unbearable for him. Come for me... Miss you a lot today. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th February 2018
Dear Mummy I woke up yesterday with the same worry in the pit of my stomach that I used to when you were at home and Papa at hospital after the stroke. Only this time I was wondering whether you got to eat breakfast when you woke up alone without Papa. I wondered what you did and thought of when you got up. What a terrible time that must have been for you. Those were the only days when I saw/heard you crying. You were such a strong person but those months broke your spirit. I should have been there for you. Should have spent more time with you as you needed me more than Papa did. I should have taken you out just for a drive or something instead of spending all the time at hospital - so that you had a break and a chance to talk. Should have... All I have now left is "should have's". What do I do? How can I fix the un-fixable? Even that time when I left in July, angry with you because you didn't accept help easily, you understood me. You were able to see past my anger and frustration and know that it was because I was awfully worried about being left without you. That's why you picked up the phone and had that last conversation with Chris. You loved me more than I ever understood then. You worried so much about me. Stay with me until it's my time. I need your strength. Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 16th February 2018
Dear Mummy Sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe. I think of you - the last day; the times we were together - laughed, fought, argued, had fun and made plans together. Seems like a dream. But I can always go back to the time when you were with me and can feel your touch, see your smile. I often think of the day when you actually wanted food and that was one of the best day for me. It still makes me smile and makes me feel happy that I was there and could share that moment - it was priceless! This time in Madison, nobody was there to pick me up, to fuss over me, to make cappuccino for me! Missed you both very much. There are so many there who still talk of you and smile at some of the things you did and admire the strength that you had! I love you so much and miss you even more. Now you are all gone and it still doesn't really feel real - may be because you are all still with me in spirit. Thank you for... Love, Your daughter.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th January 2018
Tum thi to... Missing you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th January 2018
Dear Mummy -- Papa said this on your Memorial Service on September 8, 2014 -- " The light has gone. The Lady who enlightened major portion of my life has gone. She was Saroj Bansal, my wife. She was with me for 54 years, 10 months and 14 days. She was the pillar at the difficult time of my life and shared with me the good and bad of life. During the past 20 years, I did not remember a day when we were not together. At this difficult time, she will continue to enlighten my life through her memories. She will always remain in my Heart. I pray God that wherever she may be, she may rest in peace. She would be 76 years on September 14th and I wish her Best Wishes from my Heart. At this time, I take the opportunity to convey my thanks to all of you who came here and shared with me the sorrow at this difficult time. I am very grateful for your presence here. I am thankful to Doctors who attended her. Especially I am thankful to Dr. Rahko and Kim who gave her a gift of life for at least three years. Thank you "
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th January 2018
Dear Mummy January 28th... A month ago this was the last day I could see Papa; could talk to him... He had a reasonably good day. Went to all his therapies; went to activities. Went to bed and fell asleep with his cell phone in his hand. Did he not know how much I needed him? Did you come and held his hand and took him with you? Did you give me a sign that day in December? I believe that you did - that was the only petal that fell that day and nothing before or since. Mummy, now both of you are gone and life is so different. Sometimes I don't know what I am supposed to do. There was so much to do when Papa was here. Now all of a sudden he went away without a call... This will be the first time I will go to Madison alone when Papa is not there in any form. I will visit the places you and he were at; see people who were important to you two. But how will I bear it? So many people still think of you and remember you - at the Sr. Center; at St. Mary's. Even Tim said that he met you once when you went to his class with Papa to see the place! You live on in so many people's memories. You will be remembered as long as I live and may be even beyond... Missing you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th January 2018
Dear Mummy Now what? All four of you are gone and I have to carry on... Remember the letter that Papa must have given you... Some day you will come for me - I know it. But there is so much left unsaid and undone between us. So many things we would have liked to do. I am sorry that I said 'no' to one thing you asked of me - cruise to Alaska. I will regret that for rest of my life. You and Papa never said 'no' to me. Come and give me a hug again. Missing you and Love you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th January 2018
Dear Mummy I sort of picture you coming down quietly that early morning of December 29th, holding Papa's hand and telling him 'Ab aa jao; bahut ho gaya'. I can picture him smiling and beaming up because he was pining for you and missing you very much. Did you get the card he made for you? I sent it with him. He wrote a poem and 'September for Happy Birthday... September for Missing You Forever...'. It made me so sad when I found it because he never talked to us about what was in his heart. He hadn't visited your memorial site since 2016 and even though I tried, he would not open up. Same as ever - always trying to work on a new project... I wish he talked to me. I miss him so very much; and you... Mummy, I know you are somewhere near, always... That evening.. I know you were there... You saw my pain and frustration and grief and you knew I didn't know what to do and how to make things better for Papa and for us... And you came and held his hand and guided him to come with you. I know you two are happy. I know Babaji Ammaji are happy to have all four of their sons with them. But what about me? I miss you all so much. Give me another sign that you are all with me and that I will see you again. After so many years of so much work, worry, few triumphs, many defeats, now suddenly there is nothing. Nobody calls me on that phone that Papa gave me. It is very quiet now. Deafeningly so. You worried about me thinking about how I will go on when you are all gone. Chris looks out for me and he has been so very supportive all these years. He remembers his talk with you when you called him. He honors that. He loves me. He is so very patient. Give me the strength to go on and at least now give him what is his due; help me to be present for him; help me to miss you but be able to smile again. Let me know that you will always be with me. Love you. Tell Papa that I love him very much and that I needed him very much. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 17th January 2018
Dear Mummy 4 years, 4 months and 10 days today... So long since I saw you last and took that last car ride! I can still hear your faint voice 'left', 'right' when I asked you to give me directions where to go. I can still feel you close. You are close in my heart and you are somewhere close helping me. But I need you here with me so we could go for a walk... fight again... so you can make kheer for me; I need Papa so I still have a place to go; so I still have a parent. I don't know how to do this - don't know what 'normal' is. Where is that 'happy, happy...' song you would sing out even in those last difficult weeks? I can still hear it when I pay attention. I know you wouldn't want me to brood and miss you this much. But I do - you know how I am... I still have your email where you said "I won't give up". Love you and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 15th January 2018
Dear Mummy Show me the way... show me the way to go on and not destroy you sacrificed so much to give me. I miss you so much; and papa; and babaji ammaji - all of you are now gone. Stay with me and guide me. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 10th January 2018
Dear Mummy Aaj Papa ki Tehravi hai! Is it all a nightmare or have I really lost all three of you? You know I tried so hard to keep you two a little healthier so we could be together for a while longer. I am kind of numb and can't even cry because I don't feel like it. Even Belmont's room is now gone. That was the last 'home' like place when Papa was there. I saw him last on October 21st as I said GoodBye and left him sitting in the Belmont lounge. He looked so sad... I hated to leave him but what could I do? Now he is gone; you have been gone for 4 years, 4 months and 3 days. In my dream last night I saw you. You didn't want to come and stay with us because you thought Chris didn't talk to you! Don't know why I had this dream. He cared and cares about you. He told me only last Saturday about a visit he made with you and Papa sometime in late 90s after we met for the second time. He said that he visited with you and Papa in my absence at the Greenbelt house because he wanted to make sure that you were okay with him being with your daughter - him not being Indian... Neither you nor Papa ever mentioned this to me - probably because he did come to talk to you specifically when I was at work. He tried his best to stop you from going on that cruise in 2010 when you were not well enough for it. And I know that you cared about him. Why else would you call him in July of 2013, just before...., and ask him to take care of me when you were gone. You were so worried about me when you were the one who was so ill. You and I... we will always be together. I always carry both of you and Babaji Ammaji with me. Always in my heart... Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th January 2018
Dear Mummy You left me in Chris's hands and he takes good care of me. Don't worry. I still need you - all four of you. Somehow never thought I would be all alone. Miss Papa... He didn't even call me - just went away... Now I can't even be angry with him. He wanted to be with you. Take care of each other and talk as much as you want. Don't allow him to get on computer :-) I will see you some day... Did Papa give you your birthday card? My letter to you and Babaji-Ammaji? Tell Papa that I still needed him and do need him. Need you. Miss you. What should I do now? I couldn't keep you here and I tried... Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 6th January 2018
Dear Mummy I haven't talked to you in 8 days. Still trying to make sense of this and how Papa left without even calling me or texting me... of how to go on without you and him. First time, since we have been in the States, both you and Papa are gone and not coming back. You live in my heart, yes, but I so want to see you, touch you, talk to you... So want you to tell me "hamein baandh kai rakh legi kya?" - I tried... I tried my best. But all four of you are gone. But I know you are looking out for me... I think you called Papa to you seeing how much he missed you and suffered; I know you are still trying to protect me. Always stay with me as long as I live. I miss you so very much. Miss Papa so very much. I wish I came this Christmas to spend your anniversary with him. But I didn't... I hope Papa is not upset with me... I hope he doesn't think that I didn't need him. I did... Will you tell him that for me? Visit me with him one day in my dream. I will wait... Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 1st January 2018
Dear Mummy Once again a New Year has begun without you. I am afraid it is not a Happy New Year for me. It begins without Papa; without any older person from my childhood. Papa is with you now and I miss him very much. Miss you very much. Miss Babaji and Ammajii very much. I need to see you in my dream tonight. Help me... Help me live without you all... Help me to learn to appreciate what I still have enough to not miss all that I have lost so much. Help me learn to smile again; to laugh again without reservation. How did you do it? You lost Naniji so early in your life. How did you make a life for yourself; for all or us and never let us see the pain you had in your heart? Teach me to go on. I feel so lost today - not sure what to really do now... Don't have to do any more research; don't have to call doctors; don't have to yell at Papa. May be I will see you one day? Couple of days before Christmas this year when I was just not sure how to deal with situation with Papa, you sent me something... That was one of the worst days for me and I found comfort in knowing you are somewhere looking out for me. Papa was so sad for not being able to send you a balloon on your Wedding Anniversary and I couldn't help him and it made me very angry - I took that anger out on him and I feel so sad now; So very sad... I hope he knew how much I loved him - just like you knew. I wish he would give me a sign. Oh, it is hard! Much harder than I thought it would be! Missing you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th December 2017
Dear Papa I will always need you. You told Mummy that only one thing keeps you here and when you thought it won't need you, you would go to her. I hope you didn't imagine that I didn't need you. I miss you very much. More than I thought I would; more than you probably thought I would. It hurt me to see you in Nursing Home. It hurt me to see you suffer so much and not be able to help you. You were very stubborn - just like Mummy. I failed you because I wasn't able to get you back on your feet again and I was very angry with myself; with you. It is still not real that I am writing to you here - on Mummys' Memorial Site but I know you would want to share it. You were hanging around yesterday in your room at this time. Geri told me at 6 that you were okay; your test results were good; you were able to keep food down and that you napped. So, it was a shock and still is. It feels very unreal to not have any of the four who brought me into the World, made a home for me; made me feel safe and oh how frustrated me! I need you. Come back. I was planning to come in March when it was a bit warmer and both of us had had a little break. I miss you. Are you with Mummy? Babaji, Ammaji? One day I will see you all again. But first I have to get used to the idea that you are not there in Wisconsin. It isn't real yet. Love you. Love your paintings. Yours Gudia
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th December 2017
Dear Mummy Take care of Papa. Love you both Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th December 2017
Dear Mummy Missing you on this day - your 59th Wedding Anniversary. Miss the sound of your voice. Miss everything that is now gone. Thanks for the Rose Petal - I needed it and it made it a little bit easier to know that you are looking out for me. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th December 2017
Like a butterfly in flight, You drifted off to Paradise. - By Unknown Author Four years and Three months today... Missing you every day... I can always feel you near me and feel the way your hands felt... and your feet... whenever I think of you. That is how I know you are always near me. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2017
Dear Mummy It is our day and I miss your voice calling me or just waking me up to wish me the day... I miss you so much. Come and hug me in my dream tonight. Some day I will see you... Love you always and miss you until then. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2017
Dear Mummy It is our day and I miss your voice calling me or just waking me up to wish me the day... I miss you so much. Come and hug me in my dream tonight. Some day I will see you... Love you always and miss you until then. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th November 2017
Dear Mummy Four years and 5 months today since we sat together. I didn't think I could live one day without you! And without Babaji and Ammaji... Still I can see all your faces as fresh as yesterday and that is a blessing. I can still feel the touch of your hands... your feet... Chris says he can feel his Mom's. Today is Mom's birthday... Hope you are all together somewhere. I want not to be sad because you won't want me to be. You were not a brooding kind... But I miss you so very much - more than I can say. But I know that you know - just like Babaji knew my heart. I love you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th September 2017
Dear Mummy I miss the fuss you used to make - even though I used to be annoyed then... -- You know what I mean. Miss you so much. Every morning I think of that last day we sat together and I can feel you so close... so close... Love you Your daughter.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 14th September 2017
Dear Mummy You are 80 today! Five years ago we were at Bahamas for your 75... That was a difficult cruise for you, wasn't it? I am glad that I was there for your last birthday before... Missing you more today than ever. Love Always. Sandhia
Posted by Radha Sijapati on 8th September 2017
Thinking of you and treasuring your love and warmth today and always! With much love, Krishna and Radha Sijapati
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 8th September 2017
Dear Mummy Forever in our Hearts... Missing you always... Four years and 50 minutes... Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th September 2017
Dear Mummy Four years! And yet I can feel you sitting next to me whenever I think of you. I feel your presence and so I know you are with me. Wish we had few more years together; wish I could have taken away your troubles; wish you and I went on vacation together... May be in another lifetime... Missing you so much. Love, your daughter.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 6th September 2017
Dear Mummy It was the Friday today... You always worried how I would go on without you. You were looking out for me when I thought I was doing that for you. You gave me one of the best gift even in your darkest hour. I will treasure it always... Love you and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 15th August 2017
Dear Mummy You looked so well in my dream last night. You were happy and were talking with friends - Laura and someone else - I don't remember who. You also touched my mala, the one with your fingerprint and put it in the pocket of a suitcase. So, I feel like now I have your real print on it. I am so happy for the dream and hope you are somewhere looking over me. Love you and miss you Your daughter

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