ForeverMissed
Dear Friends and Family, this memorial website was created in memory of my dear Mummy, Saroj Bansal. She was born on September 14, 1937 and passed away on September 8, 2013 from complications arising from Congestive Heart Failure. She will live on in our Hearts forever.

Please take a moment to visit with her and share some of your thoughts and memories.

She was born in Mawana, in U.P. State of India to Maaneshwari Devi and Ved Prakash Kaushik. She was the 6th of 8 siblings (3 brothers and 5 sisters). Her mother suffered from High Blood Pressure and became paralyzed because of a stroke. My Mom was only 18. She took care of Naniji for almost 2 years when she passed away. So she knew the meaning of hardship from a very early age. She was married to my father, Sushil on December 25th, 1958 - an arranged marriage. We lived in Meerut with my paternal grand-parents for most of their married life before moving to the United States.

We came to the United States on September 3rd, 1977. My father worked as an Accountant for the Embassy of India. Both of my parents worked very hard to make a place for us here. Without them and their efforts, we would not be enjoying the good life that we have. She mostly managed a Gift shop in Virginia until she was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer in 1993. Cancer would recur twice again, both times in her lungs. The treatments put cancer in remission but left her with diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure and Type II Diabetes.

She was last hospitalized in June of 2013 for complications related to her Heart. She spent 12 days in ICU before being sent home with Milrinone to be administered via a Portable IV to keep her heart pumping. It made her heart work so well and she felt good and healthy in a very long time. For the first time in years, she smiled and asked for food and sang! She wrote a long message for the ICU nurses and insisted we go to UW and deliver it. Those few days were the best in ages! She was so proud of the fact that she walked out of hospital on her own two feet rather than in a wheelchair. For me these were a gift. It was such a happy thing to have her ask for more food that the Hospital Staff thought they were allowed to give!

She was very independent minded and did not accept help easily or happily.

But this reprieve was not to last very long. She came home on July 2nd and the medicine slowly stopped working as well within 2-3 weeks.

She knew it was time and she made a call to someone she trusted – to make sure I didn’t fall apart without her. Chris told me later - 'You thought you were taking care of her; she was looking out for you!'

On September 7th she said she wanted to go for a drive with me, came home and later during the morning hours between 4:30 and 5:00am on September 8th, slipped away just when we turned the lights off to let her sleep. My father was next to her on bed and I was at her feet; her son and daughter-in-law close. This is the way she wanted to go, with her family around and in her own bed.

She was a very strong and smart lady. Even her close friends did not know how ill she was until the end. She never talked about it. Whenever I or anyone else talked on phone with her, she always sounded cheerful and well. She was very determined. The only thing that terrified her was the thought that she may end up in a Nursing Home. Even when she was getting Chemo, she would go to her craft class next day and they only realized her problem when they saw the loss of hair. She loved to knit and sew. She used to make all my clothes when I was a child; embroidered her saris and shawls. I remember watching her do that in fascination. She continued that almost until the end. She used to do quilting for the Senior Center. She was very active - never wanting to sit in one place, always on a move. Cooking was her passion. She was a wonderful cook and loved to make all kinds of dishes.

She is survived by her husband, Sushil; her daughter and son-in-law, Sandhia and Christopher; her son Ashish, and two of his daughters, Priya and Pramita; two brothers, Narendra and Upendra; and one sister, Vimla.

New
February 6
February 6
Dear Mummy
I had a very distressing dream of you last night. I hope you are smiling wherever you are. The dream woke me up and it took a while for me to realize where I was. 
I could use a hug like the one you gave me few years back...

Wish you were here so I could tell you things. 
Wish you were here so I could ask you about so many things you never talked about. You never talked about, until that one time toward the end, about Naniji. I don't know much about her. Wish I wasn't such a worrier because then we would have talked about many more things than just about your health and food - because none of those talks did any good and probably only harmed.

This morning I sat in the room looking at your pictures and watched the sunlight travel through your face. One of the pictures is the one of you with Priya when she was 3 or 4. You had such a beautiful smile on your face as you looked at her. You had such a beautiful smile until someone stole it. I hope the ones who stole your smile and tore your heart in two will suffer in the end. But in my experience so far I see mostly bad people live a good happy life and people who wouldn't hurt a fly suffer. Why else would 7 out of 10 of you would have suffered so much in the end? All of you were the best of people that I know of. Is there a God? If so, why all this? Both you and Ammaji wondered about why God would do such things and play such games. Ammaji had faith that God would not punish them and allow Babaji to get better enough so that we could all once again live together. But that faith wasn't rewarded... And same with the rest of you who went through such emotional and physical pains and why? -- I ask. But there isn't an answer, is there?

I miss you so much and wish I could take the pain away that cannot possibly be taken away now that it is all too late.

I can only love you until my last breath and I will always.
Love you
Your daughter
January 26
January 26
Dear Mummy

I dreamt that I was with Indira mami, mamaji and Guddi jeeji. The weather was bad and so they asked me to stay with them until next day. So I started to write you a letter to let you know. The last thing I remember writing (and then I woke up) was "I miss you so much, Mummy!"

I hope you got that letter...

And I do miss you... very much.
Love
Your daughter

January 25
January 25
Dear Mummy

I was reading a book yesterday and it occurred to me that I should say something to you...
   Thank you for giving me your trust...


Missing you very much, but then you know that.
With all my love
Your daughter
January 3
January 3
Dear Chachi , hope you remember today is 22nd punyantithi for papa.
You all rest in peace where ever you all are
January 1
January 1
From my beginning until your end
You were by my side, my first best friend...
               - Author unknown

Dear Mummy
I have missed you in my dreams...
Come and let me see you smile again.

Another new year without you...

With all my love
your daughter
December 26, 2022
December 26, 2022
Dear Mummy

64 years ago today when you were 21 and full of hope and probably quite nervous in your new home. 

We used to go for lunch to celebrate your day.
But the memories will have to do for now.

Love you for being my Mum
Your Gudia
December 20, 2022
December 20, 2022

To the Family I miss every day --

Michael is here. Chris and he are talking. Doing things together. I think of you us and how we used to sit together, talk, make plans for the day or for tomorrow, and of course, fight too. But it was all good. We were together, comfortable with each other, and everything was alright. Long ago when we lived together, I guess at the time that was just a normal day or normal week or normal whatever. But now whenever I think of that time whether it is Meerut or here, it all feels so cozy. A warmth, a closeness, a feeling that all is right in the World. 

Never again will I have that feeling. You, none of you whom I loved and who loved me more than life, are here anymore. I tell myself that I will see you again. Will I? Just because I would like to believe it, will that make it true? Are the little incidents that seem like a sign that you are somewhere waiting for me, are they real? Or just something that I need to be true? I don't know. I hope I will see you again someday.

I sit in the window, reading "Aapka Bunti", thinking of the time when Ammaji and I used to read it together when it published in Dharmyug. Was it so long ago? Or just yesterday? How comfortable you would have been here! I started to cry but then I remembered that it would make you sad to see tears in my eyes. So, I thought I write you this letter while I am feeling whatever I am feeling.

I think I will send this letter to all of you as it is what I would say to all of you. 

I miss the voices that called me "Gudia". I miss talking in Hindi. But more than anything I miss the comfortable and warm feeling of what only people who brought me up could bring.

May my voice and love reach all of you.

With all my love
Your Gudia

December 17, 2022
December 17, 2022
Chachi informing you that yesterday chitta chahi went in disturbed mind। She called bhaiya and Rekha bhabhi at her own from dehradun itself and Asking from them that where is Amma babajI , Lucknow Wale bhai sahab and bhabhi, rajendra Tau ji and Bala bhabhi , sushil bhai sahab and you?
Though it was Temporary and happened for the first time she was saying that she is in Meerut (while she was in Ddn) but unable to locate any one

As Sangeet reported to us in night whe was all right land normal ater on।
Chachi your blessing to her will go long way । Where ever you just pray for her ।
She is the only alive member of Bansal family originating from baba ji and dadi ji amongst of their generation
December 15, 2022
December 15, 2022
Dear Mummy

I remember listening to Babaji Ammaji's tapes from papa's visit in 1980 and you and I sitting together crying. I managed to get both tapes processed fully. Listening to these by myself is too painful. Their pain crosses the time span and enters my heart in a way that I cannot describe. They were the best of anyone I know. So if there is a God then why did he make them suffer so much? Or maybe there is a God and they suffered through us because if we had stayed together in India, their pain would have surely been less and Ammaji would have been home. If we had stayed in India, even you would have been better off because I am convinced that the treatment of your cancer would have been done way before it spread all over and caused unbearable pain and suffering to you. But who was to know that Babaji would not be able to make it for the next three years, given that he had never really been sick in his life!

There are so many 'should have', 'would have' and 'could have's.. Sometimes I can't sleep thinking about all this. I remember being very disturbed one night because for some reason I was thinking about Babaji's let pain that he suffered a great deal from after we left. That was the night of February 14th, 2013 when Papa had his stroke! And now when I listened to this tape in its entirety, it saddened me a great deal. 

But there is also a bit of comfort in that during the worst time of their lives, they were still able to tell one another how important the other was to them and how their life was made full of love and joy because of the way they lived their lives. Even in that most painful state of his health, Babaji was worried about Ammaji and Ammaji told him how much love he gave to her. It was nice to hear that from the generation of our grandparents and it gave me a bit of peace thinking that they both knew at that juncture of their lives that they were loved. 

Wish that is how it was for you. You knew that I loved you but you needed to hear that from others. Someone forever stole your smile. When I look at older pictures, prior to 1993 and even few in later years closer to it, you have a beautiful smile. I was reading a letter you wrote to me and you said that you could not remember how we lived 15 years ago when things were better both physically and emotionally. You sound so resigned in those letters and it makes me sad as well as wonder why... You are the strongest woman I know, so why did you choose to stay in the situation? I should have pressed more and helped more - I know that. And if you all suffered so much in the end when none of you had done one thing to hurt anyone in all your lives then I wonder what my ending will be like... I won't ask for forgiveness or for God to be kinder to me because I don't deserve it. But yet even now I have everything I could ask for -- other than all of you still be here with me in person. I don't know if there is justice in this World.

I have a treasure of your letters as well. What should I do with them? A logical part of me tells me that I ought to shred them and have them recycled because after me they will probably end up worse. But it would be like stabbing myself in the heart. Something will need to be done but not sure how. We met a neighbor of ours and the couple was telling us the same thing that I worry about. They don't have any children either and were worried about what to do with thousands of old photographs and things belonging to their parents and grandparents that no one wants now. It was at least comforting to know that someone else felt the way I do. I will have to talk to them ore about this and see if we can't figure out what to do. Wish you were here to tell me what to do...

At least I can talk to you through this media...

Miss you much and love you always
Your daughter
November 28, 2022
November 28, 2022
Dear Mummy

Papa left me a birthday song and a few phone messages that I listen to when I need to hear his voice. I love your "Om hai" song and Papa's "choti choti gayaiyan"... At least I have your voices I can still listen to.
Ate too many chips today and had a terrible stomachache. You and I used to get filled up on chips and salsa whenever we went to a Mexican place :) I miss those days. Papa and I found a much better Mexican restaurant in Madison and wished that we knew of it and took you to it that last time... I miss those coffee breaks we used to take at the UW hospital. Last time I was there, someone else was sitting in our seats.

This has been a good year and I know it is because of you all who are still looking out for me. But I missed you this morning even more.... I found my birth certificate the other day!! I am surprised that it is still around - not sure whether I have had it all along or it came from among papa's papers. But my name is listed as "baby Saroj" :)

Thought about how you, Babaji and Ammaji would have held me. I am sure Papa didn't because I think I remember you telling me that he was too shy to :) 
There are so many things I want to know and ask you about - but it is too late. The thought keeps coming back -- "if she hadn't been so ill, there would have been time to talk about so much"... Chris was asking the other day why you two refused to move to a place near us - it would have been only until we found something bigger. I didn't have an answer.

I am so happy to have found that card I talked about yesterday... It is like someone said "You will find signs and it is up to you to decide where you believe they are coming from". I choose to believe they come from you all.

I have been trying to find a book that you used to read every day but can't quite tell which it was. I would like to do the same in your memory. 

Missing you very much today and always.
With all my love
Your daughter
November 20, 2022
November 20, 2022
Dear Mummy

Its been a few days...
Talked with Dina recently; and Joanne. Joanne remembers you and Papa and always talks about you. Dina, even though she never met you; just Papa - but she can relate as she also lost her Mum two years ago to Covid. It feels good to talk to these people who knew you two and had a lot of respect and appreciation for your volunteer work at the St. Marys. I am so glad to have been able to set up the endowment in both your memory. Initially when we first set up the fund in your memory, Papa used to love going there and looking at your name on the board. It was nice to do this with him.

He has been with you now for almost five years! It feels like a long time but at the same time everything seems to be just as if it happened yesterday. Wish you could sit in the warm sunshine with us, papa and babaji ammaji. What fun it would have been. This place is so quiet just like a park. You all would have loved it.

I am still looking to find a place and/or a deserving person to pass your legacy on to. While I want to do this in my lifetime, at the same time I have separation anxiety whenever I think of parting from all those. But it will be best to have it taken care of while I am still around - just to make sure that it is done. I need to spend more time to try to do this as soon as possible. It is difficult because things are the way you said they were - not the way I saw with my child's eyes. But I am honored to be a guardian for your legacy and I promise to do a good job and make sure that it is appropriately used.

I love you Mummy... You are never far from my thoughts.
I have been wearing your coat for the first time now. It feels warm and as if you are enveloping me in your arms... and then I see you smile... and it makes it all better.

Love you always
Your daughter

November 4, 2022
November 4, 2022
Sunshine reminds me of you, Mummy. 
It feels warm like your hug and beautiful as your smile.
It feels good.

Always in my heart.
Your daughter
November 2, 2022
November 2, 2022
Dear Mummy

All these walking trails wait for you, Papa and me to walk through. First year you were gone, on Mother's Day, Chris and I took your urn for a walk on the path that we used to walk on. I suppose you are still with me on these walks but it isn't the same. 

Now I look back at those days when you were not able to walk a long distance and Papa and I used to turn right for his regular walk and you would take the left turn for your short one. I used to turn around, look at you and say to myself that you were slowly fading. Now when I think of it, we shouldn't have left you to go on your own. I should have come with you instead of with papa. Never occurred to me then...

I miss those walks.
It is almost five years since Papa has been gone. And almost time for your 64th anniversary too.
It only occurred to me yesterday that he told us that story of you two fighting for the box to take wedding photos in to Mawana on the third day after marriage. So that third day when you had your first disagreement would have been the 28th of December. Is that why you picked that day to come and take him with you? Funny how I never thought of it before. Coincidence or not, he was probably thinking about that on that day. He was tired and likely just wanted to rest... and so he did. I like to think that you came for him and took him by the hand to a warm and comfortable place with all the family. This thought gives me some peace.

Love you always.
Your next calendar is ready. Wish you could see these.  I know you would have loved them. This is my way to send you messages and hope you see them from wherever you are and smile.

Miss you.
Your daughter
October 27, 2022
October 27, 2022
Dear Mummy

There was something you said once - I feel the same way today.
Wish I could talk to you and hug you.
You used to say that I never share anything. Now that I am ready, you are not around - not in the way that I could hold hand with you and just talk.

Maybe some day when we meet again?

Love you
Missing you very much
Your daughter
October 24, 2022
October 24, 2022
Happy Diwali Mummy

You are here in my heart and in my soul always. So on this Diwali I will hold our memories together and be very grateful for having had a wonderful childhood and for all the happy, and even not-so-happy times that we had together. Even in not-so-happy times we knew that we loved each other. It gives me some peace that you knew how much I loved you as you closed your eyes for the last time. 

I hold you close in my heart --- always.
Love you and miss you
Your daughter
October 20, 2022
October 20, 2022
Dear Mummy

Last night when I was in need of one, I found your blue gown - most unexpectedly - as if a blessing from you. It brought such happy memories of you because I remembered you wearing it in the good old days when we were one big (or small) happy family. I could see you looking comfy and smiling as you prepared for bed - with your innocent and simple way of talking... It made me really happy and brought a smile to my face. 

Thank you for that... and for everything.
Your love keeps me going. Lately I have seen all four of you in my dreams - mostly looking healthy and happy and I know that you are with me in spirit. It will have to suffice for now and I am grateful for this knowledge that you are all watching over me.

Love you and miss you
Thank you for all the memories - all -- happy and not-so-happy - all of them were with you and I am glad to have been yours - the best mum of all. I know I never said it and even complained about you to you but - I think - that was mostly for being angry with myself for failing you - for not taking care of you the way I should have. Thank you for taking care of me and for loving me and understanding my pain watching you suffer - even when I was not at my best.

Last night I imagined you were stroking my hair as I laid there with you and you comforting me and it felt good.

I keep your memories as my best treasure.
Your daughter

September 30, 2022
September 30, 2022
Dear Mummy

You got to see Ammaji for one last time 28 years ago today. I feel like she was just waiting for you and Papa. I am so glad that at least in the end you were with her- even though 14 years too late. She would have still missed Babaji as they were together for over 60 years but if only she could have been with us. As Babaji wrote in that one of the last letters to Papa that she would be most comfortable with us since we have all lived together always.

At least she saw you two in the end.
I miss her very much today. Hope you are all together now and all the bad things we have all lived through have been forgotten.

Love you and miss you very much
Your daughter
September 26, 2022
September 26, 2022
Dear Mummy

I was just listening to Babaji Ammaji's voices that Papa left for me here. I wish you were here and we could listen to them together. We used to read their letters together and cry... remember? Everything ends at "your illness robbed us of everything" and it is true.

I miss those days when we were all together in Meerut...

Just wanted to say this.
Love you
Your daughter
September 26, 2022
September 26, 2022
Dear Mummy

I saw both you and Papa in my dreams around the time of our day. You were waiting for me and I thought I should have called you so you wouldn't worry.
You came for our day - I know you are somewhere keeping an eye on us.

Sometimes you don't seem very happy in my dreams and it saddens me. Maybe even now you worry about me. I try to not be sad when missing you - but is that even possible? We would have enjoyed our walks in this place. When I look outside and it is a nice day, I can hear your voice - 'ghoomnai chalagi?'. Chris is not much fond of walks - though we have taken many walks during this pandemic and he seems to enjoy them. 

I hope you saw the red/yellow roses we left at Mom and Dad's grave site. Red was for them - yellow for you. 

Today is Babaji and Ammaji's birthday - I hope you are together and are happy. Hope the sweet smell of my suji halwa will reach you to celebrate their birthdays.

Chris was talking about you yesterday - he was telling me of the time when you called him at the office and asked him to come over because you weren't feeling well. He said that he came and you sat with your head on his shoulder. He said that he felt so good that you were comfortable enough with him. He gets very emotional whenever he thinks of that day.

Missing you very much these days - even more than usual, if it is possible.
Love you
Your daughter

September 14, 2022
September 14, 2022
You may be in heaven, but you’re not far enough away for me and my memories to forget that it’s your birthday. Deep remembrance and Birthday wishes to my dearly missed chachi. A lady with Strongest will power I ever met.
Kokil also have word of praise for you always . She always remembers ki chachi ne aakar hee humare sir se palla dhakna hatwaya tha.
September 14, 2022
September 14, 2022
Dear Mummy

As I signed onto your memorial, Papa's photo came up sitting at the senior center celebratingyour birthday with a cake :)

Happy 85th Birthday, Mummy. You used to say that you wish you could see what people will say about you when you were gone. I know you can see it from your warm and happy place and are smiling a happy smile. 

Love you
Missing you on your day and always.
Your daughter
September 11, 2022
September 11, 2022
Dear Mummy

The Queen passed away on your day and I got a bit distracted.
She was loved by many.
Your World was much smaller. You were loved by me and are still thought of and missed by few others as it appears. I hope it is enough to keep a smile on your face and that my heart is big enough home for you until I see you again.

Love you always
Your daughter
September 8, 2022
September 8, 2022
Cherishing some fond memories! Holding your warm hands, visiting and sharing our love , smiles and laughters to one another, sharing prasadams and treasuring your blessings! We miss you!
September 8, 2022
September 8, 2022
Dear Mummy

I woke up thinking of that morning when you woke up in the hospital in June after they connected you with an IV that helped your heart function. That was one of the best days of my life! Your heart was working and providing oxygen to all parts of your body, making you feel good in a very very long time! You were soooo hungry and wanted cafeteria to send all sorts of food for breakfast - egg, toast, juice, tea, pancake...; they refused because you were a heart patient - until Dr. Swietzer called them and told them to give you whatever you wanted.

The thought made me smile. I am so glad that I was there to witness this - otherwise it would have been akin to missing your baby's first step! I remember exactly where I was sitting.

The IV made you feel good - initially - perhaps for a couple of weeks. You had so much energy during that time and you wanted to do so many things. I remember going to the hospital with you - this time just to give a thank you card to Ryan. You and I walked all the way from the parking lot to Cardiology and up. I remember running into Dr. Rahko and you telling him so proudly that you had walked all the way from Parking lot. He was surprised to see you so well.

Doctors gave us 6 months to a year but it only worked for couple of weeks and you were gone within about 2 months.  But what a difference that drug made and I am so happy that you were able to experience good health and happiness that comes with it - even if just for a short time. 

I will hang on to this feeling today...

Thank you, Mummy for all you have given me. As someone put it --
"Today I honour you for all you have given...
 All that you have done and for all that you have been...
 Gone but not forgotten...
 Loved and missed today and every day"

Love
Gudia
September 8, 2022
September 8, 2022
Chachi ko sadar naman evam pranam
Even today I do not have example of any women who had or have stronger will power than yours
September 7, 2022
September 7, 2022
Dear Mummy

This was the worst morning of your whole life nine years ago, I know - and the last when you woke up. "If tomorrow comes without me and I am not there to see... If the Sun should shine and find your eyes filled with tears for me... I wish so much you wouldn't cry..."

I brought you some hash browns from McDonald because you liked them so much but there wasn't anything you could keep anymore and anyway you just had the worst night of your life. 

One never knows as one lives their life caring for people and imagining that others love them. But does anyone love enough? I remember what you said to me on Thursday - just less than 72 hours before you were no longer there for me to hold on to - and it breaks my heart to remember your words. How your heart must have been breaking... How could any medicine work when so much was on play all the time. The way we used to be before everything fell apart - it all seems like a dream now. You were always there for me - both you and Papa. I read your letters now and realize how much I had forgotten as we went through years of your illness and all the other troubles! You worried about me so much. I was reading letters you wrote from India - both you and Papa - during your trip to India in 1989. You were worrying about me even when you were having such medical issues. I wish you had your surgery in India then and I think all would have been ok. But it was not to be. Our relationship as mother-daughter was very much affected by your illness and same occurred with Papa later during his last four years. With so much going on with you, I kept trying to act like mother and thinking of you as daughter who wasn't listening. If only your cancer hadn't spread so much and had been treated in time... our lives would have been so different.

And now even Papa is not here to go and sit on your bench with - to talk about you with... And I have a big hole in my heart. Its aching badly today. Papa and I were the only two people left after you who knew you so well and missed you so very much. He may have counted on me but I depended on him more to be there and feel like I had a home and roots to go back to. Now he is with you. I know it makes you sad to see me sad so I will try to not be so much. Instead I will try to think about your birthday next week and plan to do something while thinking of happy times we had.

Will I see you again?  I always like to picture you coming down for Papa and taking him by the hand with you and telling him that it was time he came to you and Babaji Ammaji. I hope that he was at peace. I hope he thought of me just for a moment and knew how much I loved him.

Now that all is quiet, there is so much to say to you - so much to talk about and so much to do together. How I long to see your smiling face and if all of us could be together - to see the wonder and happiness in everyone's eyes.

Hope I will dream of you tonight.

With all my love
Your daughter


September 5, 2022
September 5, 2022
Dear Mummy

45 years ago this was our first day away from all that we had ever known - here in Fairfax hotel, Washington DC. For the first time ocenas away from Babaji Ammaji and all others who loved us and who were important to us. I have a memory of that suite. Just the other day on our way to the Kennedy center, we unexpectedly passed the hotel and it was a bittersweet sighting. I remember we used to go for a walk at night and wonder at the wide sidewalks.

We were here together - four of us and it was hard to be separated for everyone. But it must have been hardest on Babaji and Ammaji. They were the ones left alone - at this stage in their lives when they really needed us. Sometimes I wonder if you and Papa thought about that. They never blamed us and never complained but perhaps it was not the best step to have taken. I don't know and while it doesn't help but I can't help wondering what ifs. Even for you, it may have been better to have stayed in India because it was in 1989 when Mamiji diagnosed the cancer - though she didn't say it. But if we were there, you would have had the operation sooner rather than waiting until 1993 when it had spread outside of main area You and papa - along with Babaji Ammaji would have been much better off if we never came here. I wonder if there is a parallel universe where things went better for us...

I can only hope - and do almost believe - that you are all somewhere together looking down at me and wondering why I live in the past so much. I know you were not the kind to be looking backward too much - though you were forced to think 'what if' at later stage.

I have also come to realize, too late to make a difference, that when you were trying to tell me - on those rare occasions - about what was troubling you, I should have just listened and held you. Instead I tried to tell you how things were not as bad, in turn invalidating your feelings - that was not what you needed. All you needed was for me to listen and just listen. I wanted you to not feel so sad and wanted to instantly take the pain away - but I know now that it was not the right thing to do because that was not what you needed.
Wish you could come back just one more time and give me a chance to do it better...


Missing you so much today...Wonder how we spent our first day here so many years ago. Everything has changed in almost half a century! But my love for you will never change and never die. That thought is the only one that gives me some peace - that you knew in the end how much I loved you.

Love you still... always.
Your daughter


August 28, 2022
August 28, 2022
Dear Mummy

I miss you even more these days. I imagine the smile on your face and try to think of what you would say and do. I find myself imagining that you are sitting next to me and we are having our talk that we never did. You have been gone almost 9 years now!!! As hard as it was to imagine a life without you, here I am... life just keeps going on and time keeps flying by in one way and stands still in other. It is hard to believe almost 9 years have passed without talking to you; and at the same time I can picture you, your smile and your tears just as if it was yesterday.

You knew me and knew how it will be for me when you were gone. Some of the dreams I have had of you are so vivid that I strongly believe you are somewhere... in a good place with just the right amount of sunshine smiling down on you. Papa had hoped that he would find you in your next life. But I hope that there is no more rebirth and no more finding each other; I hope that (and believe) that you are somewhere all together with all of our family and are happy. I hope you are with naniji whom you lost at such a young age. I hope I don't make you too sad by missing you so much. But I can't help it, Mummy. You know how I am. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I miss you not being there; miss not being able to hold your hand once again. 

At least I have your recorded voice and the prayer that Papa recorded and some of the messages you left for me. Papa made all those videos that I would not otherwise have. So that has been a gift from him to me. Sometimes I listen to Babaji Ammaji's voices that Papa left for me. I will try to see if I can convert the tape to CD so that I have the full recording. That, along with your memories, is all I have left from those happy days.

I love you Mummy.
Your daughter


August 11, 2022
August 11, 2022
Dear Mummy

I know I say it often but I miss you so much. Especially these days... Wish you were all here. Sometimes I just try to picture it how it would have been. I miss the comfort of having you around and miss feeling that light heartedness that came when you sounded happy and well.

You used to complain that I don't talk about myself much. But in those days my mind was full of thinking about the two of you. Now I wish I could sit with you or at least call you so we could just talk and talk... I want to tell you so many things... I wish you were here in person to share in all that is my life. I know you are always in my heart but... I don't know - I just miss those days and regret that I took them for granted and didn't savor each moment. I would if I could now but second chances are hard to come by.

Wish we never left Babaji Ammaji on their own in Meerut. Wish I kept you with me... I guess when you have something, it is easy to become selfish and forget that that something won't last forever.

Now I think of many things we didn't get to talk about. I suppose in those days there were many things to keep me occupied but you went too soon! I wonder now how you dealt with Naniji's illness so long ago when you were barely 18! So often I think about what fun it would be to ask you how your college life was, how it was to grow up in Mawana. How it was when you came to Meerut after getting married. Just so many things... 

I miss kheer... Miss your cooking... Miss fighting with you...
More than anything I miss you and the sound of your voice.

I love you so much.
Your daughter


July 29, 2022
July 29, 2022
Dear Mummy

Wish you were here - in person; not just in my heart. I can see your big smile when I close my eyes. Sometimes so many memories come flooding in - you and me going to Mawana in a bus, me counting trees :) , babaji's phoolgharis that never ended, you making pakori, you singing in Bareilly home, you and I taking walks, and yes of course, you and I fighting and arguing... All that was part of the package that we once were...

Missing you very much today.
Someone you didn't get to know but I know you would have loved sent me something that you would have sent. It brought tears to my eyes. It has to be you and Papa and Babaji Ammaji and few others who are looking after me. It has to be true.

Love you always.
Your daughter
July 12, 2022
July 12, 2022
Dear Mummy

What should I say to you and Papa today? What can I say? 
This is my biggest regret in life but all this is fruitless now that it is too late for everything. I just wish that you were here. If I could only go back in time...

You gave me everything and never questioned or complained about any of my decisions. Just like Babaji and Ammaji who never ever blamed us for leaving them on their own at that late stage in their lives. My other big regret at the same level is for Ammaji. She deserved so much and after having a wonderful life with Babaji in Meerut, who could have imagined and how could she have imagined that last 15 years of her life will be the way they were. I can barely read her letters because I can feel, well almost feel, her pain. When we used to get their letters when we came to the US, how you and I used to read them together and cry and miss them. Now I don't have to read them with and no one else can possibly know what it feels like to have been loved so much and then be so far apart. Now I wish I could call you or sit with you and tell you all that is in my heart and in my life - but you are too far away. I only hope that you can read my thougts and listen. Its been a while since I have seen you in my dream...

It is a very important day and I wish you were here; that Papa was here; and Ammaji Babaji; and others who have loved me and loved you.

With all my love and memories
Your daughter
July 7, 2022
July 7, 2022
Dear Mummy

There is so much to say... so much to talk to you about. You would have been so happy and it would have been such fun to have you and Papa with us. All these milestones without you leave such sadness in my heart.

You were always so brave and forward looking. I look back a lot. I had so much. Come to think of it, so did you. You were loved so very much by so many. I recently found a letter written by Taiji to you. She missed you very much as you two were very close. Found a letter from Tauji to Papa as well that he wrote a day after we left India in 77. He told him not to shout at me for being sad :) We had a good happy family. 

I sometimes just picture you two and Babaji Ammaji sitting with me in the car or even in the house and imagine how it would have been. Guess I will never know now.

You would have loved the little garden! I still remember all those cherry tomatoes you grew at the Temple Hills house. And that nice little veggie garden you had in Bareilly! You used to be happy there and used to sing all the time, I remember. Someone stole your smile - some day they will know how you felt - I just know it. But I just want to think about your smiling face and the happy times we used to have.

I miss you so very much - just as you knew I would.
With all my love
Your daughter
May 22, 2022
May 22, 2022
Dear Mummy

So many occasions come and go... without you. I like to think that you are always watching from above and are always with me... to be happy with me whenever happy things happen. I can see your smile so clearly and hear your voice. I want to think of you smiling always but then I remember so many of other times that were so difficult... I try driving those thoughts away because I know you would not like me to be sad. You didn't dwell on things... on the past. I don't know where I inherit this from but I wish I could be more like you in that I could just keep moving forward. The only time I have seen you sad was at the hospital while waiting for Papa as you mentioned something about Nanaji and naniji... I didn't want to make you sad further and so didn't ask for details. Maybe I should have... now in hindsight, I should have. There are so many things I want to know and want to talk about, but it is too late for all that, isn't it?

I haven't seen you in my dreams for a while. I wish I would.

You will be with me wherever I go... that much I know.

Love you
Your daughter
May 8, 2022
May 8, 2022
Dear Mummy

I was just listening to your "Om hai jeewan hamara" in your voice and it all seems like yesterday. How can I have lived almost 9 months now without you? I can feel your touch, I can hear your voice and picture one of our walks together - all as if it was just yesterday. I also listened to Babaji Ammaji's tape that Papa brought. I am so glad that Papa added it to your memorial otherwise I don't think that the tapes are very good. Although I don't think that he was able to post the whole audio as it is missing "Om jai jagdish hari" in ammaji's voice. It breaks my heart to listen to Babaji and the pain that he went through.

I made some of your favorite dishes and some of ammaji's without onion. But I made a mistake and used the same oil that was used for onion dish - so I feel very badly. Next time I will be more careful. 

Mummy I am missing you very much today.
I love you.
Your daughter
May 8, 2022
May 8, 2022
Dear Mummy

Happy Mother's Day. I can't send you flowers but I can send you my love and it is yours forever.

Yesterday again something happened that strengthened my belief that you are watching over me from somewhere. Just the other day I was thinking that I envied you one thing that you got in abundance - at least until really bad moment came - that I will never have. But then something very unexpected happened and it could not have been anything else other than your aashirwad. I know you are somewhere - you all are. I know you want me to be happy and smile and I do when I think of all the happy times we had. Sure they were mixed up with everyday things that happen in every family but we were happy together and I miss those days. Today is just another reminder of the loss but you are always in my heart. I know how much you used to worry about me and worried about how I would be able to bear your loss. It is hard, very hard sometimes. 

I think of that Mangolian place we used to go for lunch and how much you loved that food and then I remember how your hands were shaking the last time we went with Jan and Dick... and it makes my heart ache. You would have only been 84 at this time... you went too soon...

I don't know how to call you and wish you a happy mother's day. I remember when you were here, we used to go out for lunch. Papa's favorite place for dosa is now long gone. I will make some of your favorite food today and hope that it will make you smile. You would be surprised at how much I cook these days :)

Happy Mother's Day, Mummy
With all my love
Your daughter
April 26, 2022
April 26, 2022
Dear Mummy

Wish you were here and could enjoy all these new and wonderful things. Sometimes it hurts so much and I wonder why have all the things that we can't share with you and Papa and Babaji Ammaji. Can you see me? Can you see all the changes and are you smiling? I hope you are...

Every new step that we take brings excitement but also a sadness because you are not here... How excited you would have been... what you would have said... I can imagine the wonder on Ammaji's face.. But all we can do is imagine... and hope...

Always stay with me... near me Mummy. I could not 'banndh ker rukh saki' but I hope that you are watching us from somewhere and are now at peace and smiling down on us.

Missing you very much today and always. Today is Babaji's 42nd anniversary since he said goodbue to the World - but it is never a goodbye to us as he will always be in our hearts. You will all always live on in us... in our hearts.

Love you always.
Your daughter
February 14, 2022
February 14, 2022
Happy Valentines Day, Mummy

I used to send you flowers but you didn't leave an address for me and I don't know how to. I hope you can feel my love as you live in my heart now.

I didn't know I would miss you as much as I do. Sometimes I can feel physical pain. Wish you were here now that we have so much time and so many things to talk to you about. Wish we could sit together in the Sun and talk... Wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug. 

I send my hug to you in Heaven or wherever you are. 
Miss you... miss sending you roses. Miss seeing the beautiful smile on your face.

Love
Your daughter
February 13, 2022
February 13, 2022
Dear Mummy

Just thinking about you - on this night - 9 years ago your life became even worse! I try to picture that time and how helpess and confused and terrified you must have been. The only protection you had suddenly sort of faded away and there was no support - no one to offer you their shoulder to cry on and no one that you could express your fears to.

You went quiet that day and from then on said so little.

I only saw a happy smile when Jan and Dick gave you ride and you came home looking so much relaxed - at least for the first few minutes. I remember that well. I am so grateful to them for that time. 

I remember you mentioning naniji once to me when we were sitting in the hospital waiting for papa to come out of a test.

But mostly I remember you being so quiet and just taking everything without so much as making a sound. I remember you asking for a sleeping pill on your last night - and I know why you asked for it. I am just happy that you were spared the hardship that Papa went through. I am happy that you went with your dignity intact - just as you would have wanted to. You went with as much dignity and strength as you lived with. I hope that when it is my time, I can do the same. I hope you will help me from wherever you are.

Love you and miss you always.
Your daughter
January 27, 2022
January 27, 2022
Dear Mummy

I hope that you saw today that the muffler you made for Chris kept him warm today on our walk. He was telling me again about the call you made to him in July ... just before... and he was really sad. Mummy, I miss you so much and look back so much on times that I cannot change. You were not like that - until you were broken. It was such a tough time and no one -- especially no one like you and Papa should ever have to go through it. I had most part on it as I selfishly let you go.

These days especially -- I think of you often and just picture you and me sitting around and talking about things to come.. think about our drives and walks together... I can picture your face and hands and feet as clearly as if I just saw them. When I am in the kitchen and look over the sofa, I can clearly see the back of your head... And I am so lucky that I can.  I feel lucky to be able to remember you vividly, remember your voice and everything about you. Not everyone is blessed with this and this is how I know that you are looking over me from wherever you are.

I feel you close but still since I can't touch you and see you physically, it hurts and it helps to talk about you with Chris.

Love you - as you know already.
Your daughter


January 18, 2022
January 18, 2022
Dear Mummy

I wish you were here today with me... You know why...
I can only try to imagine how it would have been.

Afraid to ask for too much because as you know Babaji Ammaji gave me that one moment I wanted in our house in Vijaynagar - in my room. I will never forget it.  I had promised that I won't ask for anything more. But it is probably okay to wish that you all were here now.

Missed you very much today.
With all my love
Your daughter
January 4, 2022
January 4, 2022
Dear Mummy

There is much to tell you now and time to visit but you are nowhere I can reach. But you know all now, don't you? Still what I wouldn't give to be able to call you and sit with you and just listen to you - all you had to say and tell you - all you want to know.

We never realize and appreciate fully what we have when we have it. I couldn't imagine a life without you - so never really took advantage of the time we had together. Now you are gone and I have so much to talk about.

Milestones come and go - when you were here we celebrated every little thing- at least until things started to take downward turn. I miss doing those things with you - miss going shopping with you; and for the walks and just enjoying the foods you cooked. Can you believe how much cooking I do now? You would be proud of me.... 

Missing you today very much as it is a special day. Wonder what you would have said!! 
Love always
Your daughter
December 28, 2021
December 28, 2021
Dear Mummy

Come and take a walk with me one more time...
I remember that dream I had of you, a while ago now... where you and I were walking down and everything was black-and-white. And then suddenly we came into sunshine and all became so colorful. I felt like you were now better and healthy and happy - wherever you are. It was such a beautiful dream and made me so happy. 

Wish I could have that again. Every time I turn the corner near the house, I always look at that stone you stepped down from and think of you and that time.

Today Papa joined you and I just like to picture it that you came down and took him by the hand. I am sure you did. You were so protective of him and it was time - he had suffered so much.

Missing you today and always
With all my love
Your daughter
December 25, 2021
December 25, 2021
Dear Mummy Pappa

Wishing you a very Happy 63rd Anniversary wherever you are. At this time we would have been going out to lunch somewhere to celebrate your day.

It is a gray kind of day. Wish it was nice and sunny because you liked sunny days. 

You know, what I miss most - or one of the things I miss the most are our trips that we took together. It was so much fun getting in the car, you bringing picnic basket and samosas and bananas and all sorts of things. We didn't have much money but we did travel quite a bit. The fights Papa and I had because even when he wasn't sure of directions, he would say "it should be this way" and point in a direction he could not possibly be sure of being the right way to go in. But at this point all I remember are the good times - us being able to go anywhere we wanted.

And I miss our walks together; shopping together. I rarely go shopping anymore. Miss your smile. And just plain miss you. Whenever I close my eyes and think of you, such a warmth comes over me - a familiar safe and comforting feeling that only parents and grandparents can provide.

Missing you on your day and always.
With all my love
Your daughter
December 24, 2021
December 24, 2021
Dear Mummy

63 years ago today you were preparing for your new life with Papa. You were so beautiful! I woke up thinking about it and wondered what you were doing just at that moment all those years ago.

Now you are all together again - I like to think so.

We would have gone out to lunch tomorrow to celebrate your day. I will make your favorite kofta curry - the way you used to. Just marking the day with something you would have liked.

Thinking of you.
Love
Your daughter
December 23, 2021
December 23, 2021
Dear Mummy

It is another anniversary coming up - another year without you.
Eight years have gone by and four even without Papa. 
Feels so strange to think of it.
And there is so much to talk about now. I am hoping you know it already.

Walk with me once again in my dreams...

Missing you as always.
With all my love
Your daughter
December 10, 2021
December 10, 2021
Dear Mummy

I had a bad dream last night - saw you and you were not well. You were lying in the shade, got up and sat on a chair in sunshine. You looked at me as I was inside talking to Chris and I indicated to you that I will be out in a minute. I remember your face so clearly from the dream - you were in pain. I remember thinking I would call hospice and see if they can come to help you.

I know it is just a dream but I like it when you are smiling and seem happy. I know you are now in a happier place with all your family around. 

I miss you so much. Your legacy, your funds that you left are now beginning to come to fruition and help people who will come after you. Hopefully new innovations in medical science will make the suffering of others a little less.

I wish you could have been here to see the calendars, the new changes in our lives... we could sit and talk and take walks again. But may be you do walk with me as I carry you in my heart always.

Love you so much and miss you always.
Your daughter
November 27, 2021
November 27, 2021
Dear Mummy

You were there when I was born and I was there when you left this World. I keep thinking that you were exactly my age when you went through your Chemo and life just went downhill since then. I can't help wondering what it may have been like if I didn't insist you get Chemo and let you take some less harmful treatment. Would you have been gone much sooner then? But even so, what about the quality of life?

I regret my part in the suffering you went through because of your health. I will never know...

But today I woke up hearing your voice in my head "happy birthday"...
Chris made it a very nice day for me today - you asked him to take good care of me and he does. I think it is because of the love of all four of you that I have what I do now. You took care of me even as you were fading. Chris is right when he says to me "you thought you were taking care of her... but she was looking out for you.". 

I miss the times we had together... I feel sad for the time we never got to have because of so many problems. You two were too simple and unassuming and trusting. I wish I took better care of you.

Missing you so much today. I have your sweater on - just to feel close to you. I love you so much.

With all the memories and love
Your daughter
November 24, 2021
November 24, 2021
Dear Mummy

It is 3000 days today since you and I last sat together...
I have so many things to tell you. I know you know them already since you are always with me. But I wish I could sit with you once again and talk - the way you always wanted to.

Chris loves Pakori very much and every time I make them now I think of you and those midnights when you would make them for us... Those were such happy times. I wish I didn't resist you cooking so much because you would have been so happy to watch Chris consume those Pakori the way he does :)
But in my defense, I just wanted us to sit together and talk rather than you spend all that time in the kitchen... 

I just miss all those times so much. Miss you so very much.

Wonder if I will dream of you tonight or hear you call my name once again - just like a year ago now on November 1st.

Love you
Your daughter
November 5, 2021
November 5, 2021
Dear Mummy

Wishing you a very Happy Diwali wherever you are.
Last few years since you moved to Wisconsin things were so bad in so many ways - mostly your health - that Diwali and Dasharah and so many other occasions we used to celebrate and had such fun and good food - kind of went unnoticed. Now when I look back, I wish I hadn't been so focused on your day-to-day health and tried my best to distract you in other ways that made you happy. Now that I know so many more things than I did before. 

Even things like instead of staying in hotels if we rented an apartment for a week or whatever, that would have been so much more comfortable and nice for you. I remember once when we stayed in one, you said as we were leaving - 'Yeh ghar jaisa laga hai'. It always brings such ache to my heart whenever I think of it. I wish I never let you go to Wisconsin... wish I was not so selfish and didn't take you on your word when you always said - 'sub theek chal raha hai'. I wish... I wish....

Yesterday you and Usha mausi gave me an unexpected gift. I hope Usha mausi knows how much she is missed - by me, of course but by her children. She was an unfinished story - even more than you. I hope you are together with her and that she is happy.. happy because her children have done well.

So much is happening now; many changes and happy ones - I wish I could talk to you all about those. I wish I could get you to come and help me with all the things that need to be done. But I know you will be there - and always are - with me - in spirit - in my heart. That one early morning of Nov 1st last year, you called out my name and I can still so clearly hear it! It woke me up from my sleep and I knew you were just letting me know I am not without my Mummy.


Love always.
Your daughter
October 1, 2021
October 1, 2021
Dear Mummy

27 years ago on this day you and Papa said goodbye to Ammaji. I am happy that you two got to be with her and she got to see you before she went to be with Babaji. I know the pain of not being there at the end. I wish I was there. But you were the only one I got to be with when the time came.

Ammaji - I remember her telling Babaji when he was worrying about her "Aap chinta kyon kertai hain? Merai chaar betai hai, woh sub dekh laigai". Babaji wanted us to look after her because we were always together before coming here. It didn't work out that way, did it? 

I am missing you all so much today - though I miss you every day. How can someone lose the pain, or even want to, of losing people they loved so much? I would never want to lose it. I smile sometimes when I think of our time together but tears also come.

If you are with Ammaji - and I hope that you are - please give her a BIG hug for me. I have been very fortunate to have had all of you in my life and to have been part of your family.

With love and memories always.
Your daughter
Page 1 of 9

Leave a Tribute

Light a Candle
Lay a Flower
Leave a Note
 
Recent Tributes
New
February 6
February 6
Dear Mummy
I had a very distressing dream of you last night. I hope you are smiling wherever you are. The dream woke me up and it took a while for me to realize where I was. 
I could use a hug like the one you gave me few years back...

Wish you were here so I could tell you things. 
Wish you were here so I could ask you about so many things you never talked about. You never talked about, until that one time toward the end, about Naniji. I don't know much about her. Wish I wasn't such a worrier because then we would have talked about many more things than just about your health and food - because none of those talks did any good and probably only harmed.

This morning I sat in the room looking at your pictures and watched the sunlight travel through your face. One of the pictures is the one of you with Priya when she was 3 or 4. You had such a beautiful smile on your face as you looked at her. You had such a beautiful smile until someone stole it. I hope the ones who stole your smile and tore your heart in two will suffer in the end. But in my experience so far I see mostly bad people live a good happy life and people who wouldn't hurt a fly suffer. Why else would 7 out of 10 of you would have suffered so much in the end? All of you were the best of people that I know of. Is there a God? If so, why all this? Both you and Ammaji wondered about why God would do such things and play such games. Ammaji had faith that God would not punish them and allow Babaji to get better enough so that we could all once again live together. But that faith wasn't rewarded... And same with the rest of you who went through such emotional and physical pains and why? -- I ask. But there isn't an answer, is there?

I miss you so much and wish I could take the pain away that cannot possibly be taken away now that it is all too late.

I can only love you until my last breath and I will always.
Love you
Your daughter
January 26
January 26
Dear Mummy

I dreamt that I was with Indira mami, mamaji and Guddi jeeji. The weather was bad and so they asked me to stay with them until next day. So I started to write you a letter to let you know. The last thing I remember writing (and then I woke up) was "I miss you so much, Mummy!"

I hope you got that letter...

And I do miss you... very much.
Love
Your daughter

January 25
January 25
Dear Mummy

I was reading a book yesterday and it occurred to me that I should say something to you...
   Thank you for giving me your trust...


Missing you very much, but then you know that.
With all my love
Your daughter
Recent stories
New

Ammaji's First Letter to you, dated September 7th, 1977

February 6
The very first heart breaking letter from Ammaji since we left them on the 3rd - all on their own; left them to unimaginable pain.  We thought that 3 years will be over soon and that it wasn't such a long time.  But as it turned out, it was too long...  The life we wanted to get back to upon our return was not to be.

Babaji passed away on April 26th, 1980.
We were too selfish to return for Ammaji...

Birthday and anniversaries

November 28, 2022
Chachi it is difficult for me to remember birthday or anniversary date of all near and dear how far  or close they may be , specially at the age of nearing 68 years for me.  distance physically should not be blamed but blame goes to heart of the people । 
In environment today, heart of people in general goes to only with whom who were having direct harmony with other. Irrespect of they have left planet earth way back. Some people are unable to see who  is alive and who use to think your welfare .anyway apni dhapdi one Raag.
Tomorrow is birthday of gudiya i wish her all the best wishes and to have a wonderful day and years to come 

A message from the future?

November 26, 2022
Papa Mummy sent me this card in 2002 and I happened to just find it.
It says "No matter where we are...".  Normally one would say "No matter where you are...".

Wonder if, like in Interstellar, they sent me this card from the future - from a day when they won't be anywhere where I can see them...  

I don't know.  I just feel like it is a sign -- for me to just find it after 20 years of it being somewhere in a box and for it to say "No matter where we are, you are always in our hearts". I hope so.  I hope they are somewhere smiling down on me and sending me their aashirwaad.

I will listen to the song that Papa sung for me in 2014.

I will miss going out to lunch with them tomorrow.
I will miss them as I always do.


Invite Saroj's friends and family:

E-mail Invitation

Facebook Post