Dear Mummy

I was just listening to Babaji Ammaji's voices that Papa left for me here. I wish you were here and we could listen to them together. We used to read their letters together and cry... remember? Everything ends at "your illness robbed us of everything" and it is true.

I miss those days when we were all together in Meerut...

Just wanted to say this.
Love you
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I saw both you and Papa in my dreams around the time of our day. You were waiting for me and I thought I should have called you so you wouldn't worry.
You came for our day - I know you are somewhere keeping an eye on us.

Sometimes you don't seem very happy in my dreams and it saddens me. Maybe even now you worry about me. I try to not be sad when missing you - but is that even possible? We would have enjoyed our walks in this place. When I look outside and it is a nice day, I can hear your voice - 'ghoomnai chalagi?'. Chris is not much fond of walks - though we have taken many walks during this pandemic and he seems to enjoy them. 

I hope you saw the red/yellow roses we left at Mom and Dad's grave site. Red was for them - yellow for you. 

Today is Babaji and Ammaji's birthday - I hope you are together and are happy. Hope the sweet smell of my suji halwa will reach you to celebrate their birthdays.

Chris was talking about you yesterday - he was telling me of the time when you called him at the office and asked him to come over because you weren't feeling well. He said that he came and you sat with your head on his shoulder. He said that he felt so good that you were comfortable enough with him. He gets very emotional whenever he thinks of that day.

Missing you very much these days - even more than usual, if it is possible.
Love you
Your daughter

You may be in heaven, but you’re not far enough away for me and my memories to forget that it’s your birthday. Deep remembrance and Birthday wishes to my dearly missed chachi. A lady with Strongest will power I ever met.
Kokil also have word of praise for you always . She always remembers ki chachi ne aakar hee humare sir se palla dhakna hatwaya tha.

Dear Mummy

As I signed onto your memorial, Papa's photo came up sitting at the senior center celebratingyour birthday with a cake :)

Happy 85th Birthday, Mummy. You used to say that you wish you could see what people will say about you when you were gone. I know you can see it from your warm and happy place and are smiling a happy smile. 

Love you
Missing you on your day and always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

The Queen passed away on your day and I got a bit distracted.
She was loved by many.
Your World was much smaller. You were loved by me and are still thought of and missed by few others as it appears. I hope it is enough to keep a smile on your face and that my heart is big enough home for you until I see you again.

Love you always
Your daughter

Cherishing some fond memories! Holding your warm hands, visiting and sharing our love , smiles and laughters to one another, sharing prasadams and treasuring your blessings! We miss you!

Dear Mummy

I woke up thinking of that morning when you woke up in the hospital in June after they connected you with an IV that helped your heart function. That was one of the best days of my life! Your heart was working and providing oxygen to all parts of your body, making you feel good in a very very long time! You were soooo hungry and wanted cafeteria to send all sorts of food for breakfast - egg, toast, juice, tea, pancake...; they refused because you were a heart patient - until Dr. Swietzer called them and told them to give you whatever you wanted.

The thought made me smile. I am so glad that I was there to witness this - otherwise it would have been akin to missing your baby's first step! I remember exactly where I was sitting.

The IV made you feel good - initially - perhaps for a couple of weeks. You had so much energy during that time and you wanted to do so many things. I remember going to the hospital with you - this time just to give a thank you card to Ryan. You and I walked all the way from the parking lot to Cardiology and up. I remember running into Dr. Rahko and you telling him so proudly that you had walked all the way from Parking lot. He was surprised to see you so well.

Doctors gave us 6 months to a year but it only worked for couple of weeks and you were gone within about 2 months.  But what a difference that drug made and I am so happy that you were able to experience good health and happiness that comes with it - even if just for a short time. 

I will hang on to this feeling today...

Thank you, Mummy for all you have given me. As someone put it --
"Today I honour you for all you have given...
 All that you have done and for all that you have been...
 Gone but not forgotten...
 Loved and missed today and every day"

Love
Gudia

Chachi ko sadar naman evam pranam
Even today I do not have example of any women who had or have stronger will power than yours

Dear Mummy

This was the worst morning of your whole life nine years ago, I know - and the last when you woke up. "If tomorrow comes without me and I am not there to see... If the Sun should shine and find your eyes filled with tears for me... I wish so much you wouldn't cry..."

I brought you some hash browns from McDonald because you liked them so much but there wasn't anything you could keep anymore and anyway you just had the worst night of your life. 

One never knows as one lives their life caring for people and imagining that others love them. But does anyone love enough? I remember what you said to me on Thursday - just less than 72 hours before you were no longer there for me to hold on to - and it breaks my heart to remember your words. How your heart must have been breaking... How could any medicine work when so much was on play all the time. The way we used to be before everything fell apart - it all seems like a dream now. You were always there for me - both you and Papa. I read your letters now and realize how much I had forgotten as we went through years of your illness and all the other troubles! You worried about me so much. I was reading letters you wrote from India - both you and Papa - during your trip to India in 1989. You were worrying about me even when you were having such medical issues. I wish you had your surgery in India then and I think all would have been ok. But it was not to be. Our relationship as mother-daughter was very much affected by your illness and same occurred with Papa later during his last four years. With so much going on with you, I kept trying to act like mother and thinking of you as daughter who wasn't listening. If only your cancer hadn't spread so much and had been treated in time... our lives would have been so different.

And now even Papa is not here to go and sit on your bench with - to talk about you with... And I have a big hole in my heart. Its aching badly today. Papa and I were the only two people left after you who knew you so well and missed you so very much. He may have counted on me but I depended on him more to be there and feel like I had a home and roots to go back to. Now he is with you. I know it makes you sad to see me sad so I will try to not be so much. Instead I will try to think about your birthday next week and plan to do something while thinking of happy times we had.

Will I see you again?  I always like to picture you coming down for Papa and taking him by the hand with you and telling him that it was time he came to you and Babaji Ammaji. I hope that he was at peace. I hope he thought of me just for a moment and knew how much I loved him.

Now that all is quiet, there is so much to say to you - so much to talk about and so much to do together. How I long to see your smiling face and if all of us could be together - to see the wonder and happiness in everyone's eyes.

Hope I will dream of you tonight.

With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

45 years ago this was our first day away from all that we had ever known - here in Fairfax hotel, Washington DC. For the first time ocenas away from Babaji Ammaji and all others who loved us and who were important to us. I have a memory of that suite. Just the other day on our way to the Kennedy center, we unexpectedly passed the hotel and it was a bittersweet sighting. I remember we used to go for a walk at night and wonder at the wide sidewalks.

We were here together - four of us and it was hard to be separated for everyone. But it must have been hardest on Babaji and Ammaji. They were the ones left alone - at this stage in their lives when they really needed us. Sometimes I wonder if you and Papa thought about that. They never blamed us and never complained but perhaps it was not the best step to have taken. I don't know and while it doesn't help but I can't help wondering what ifs. Even for you, it may have been better to have stayed in India because it was in 1989 when Mamiji diagnosed the cancer - though she didn't say it. But if we were there, you would have had the operation sooner rather than waiting until 1993 when it had spread outside of main area You and papa - along with Babaji Ammaji would have been much better off if we never came here. I wonder if there is a parallel universe where things went better for us...

I can only hope - and do almost believe - that you are all somewhere together looking down at me and wondering why I live in the past so much. I know you were not the kind to be looking backward too much - though you were forced to think 'what if' at later stage.

I have also come to realize, too late to make a difference, that when you were trying to tell me - on those rare occasions - about what was troubling you, I should have just listened and held you. Instead I tried to tell you how things were not as bad, in turn invalidating your feelings - that was not what you needed. All you needed was for me to listen and just listen. I wanted you to not feel so sad and wanted to instantly take the pain away - but I know now that it was not the right thing to do because that was not what you needed.
Wish you could come back just one more time and give me a chance to do it better...


Missing you so much today...Wonder how we spent our first day here so many years ago. Everything has changed in almost half a century! But my love for you will never change and never die. That thought is the only one that gives me some peace - that you knew in the end how much I loved you.

Love you still... always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I miss you even more these days. I imagine the smile on your face and try to think of what you would say and do. I find myself imagining that you are sitting next to me and we are having our talk that we never did. You have been gone almost 9 years now!!! As hard as it was to imagine a life without you, here I am... life just keeps going on and time keeps flying by in one way and stands still in other. It is hard to believe almost 9 years have passed without talking to you; and at the same time I can picture you, your smile and your tears just as if it was yesterday.

You knew me and knew how it will be for me when you were gone. Some of the dreams I have had of you are so vivid that I strongly believe you are somewhere... in a good place with just the right amount of sunshine smiling down on you. Papa had hoped that he would find you in your next life. But I hope that there is no more rebirth and no more finding each other; I hope that (and believe) that you are somewhere all together with all of our family and are happy. I hope you are with naniji whom you lost at such a young age. I hope I don't make you too sad by missing you so much. But I can't help it, Mummy. You know how I am. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I miss you not being there; miss not being able to hold your hand once again. 

At least I have your recorded voice and the prayer that Papa recorded and some of the messages you left for me. Papa made all those videos that I would not otherwise have. So that has been a gift from him to me. Sometimes I listen to Babaji Ammaji's voices that Papa left for me. I will try to see if I can convert the tape to CD so that I have the full recording. That, along with your memories, is all I have left from those happy days.

I love you Mummy.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I know I say it often but I miss you so much. Especially these days... Wish you were all here. Sometimes I just try to picture it how it would have been. I miss the comfort of having you around and miss feeling that light heartedness that came when you sounded happy and well.

You used to complain that I don't talk about myself much. But in those days my mind was full of thinking about the two of you. Now I wish I could sit with you or at least call you so we could just talk and talk... I want to tell you so many things... I wish you were here in person to share in all that is my life. I know you are always in my heart but... I don't know - I just miss those days and regret that I took them for granted and didn't savor each moment. I would if I could now but second chances are hard to come by.

Wish we never left Babaji Ammaji on their own in Meerut. Wish I kept you with me... I guess when you have something, it is easy to become selfish and forget that that something won't last forever.

Now I think of many things we didn't get to talk about. I suppose in those days there were many things to keep me occupied but you went too soon! I wonder now how you dealt with Naniji's illness so long ago when you were barely 18! So often I think about what fun it would be to ask you how your college life was, how it was to grow up in Mawana. How it was when you came to Meerut after getting married. Just so many things... 

I miss kheer... Miss your cooking... Miss fighting with you...
More than anything I miss you and the sound of your voice.

I love you so much.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Wish you were here - in person; not just in my heart. I can see your big smile when I close my eyes. Sometimes so many memories come flooding in - you and me going to Mawana in a bus, me counting trees :) , babaji's phoolgharis that never ended, you making pakori, you singing in Bareilly home, you and I taking walks, and yes of course, you and I fighting and arguing... All that was part of the package that we once were...

Missing you very much today.
Someone you didn't get to know but I know you would have loved sent me something that you would have sent. It brought tears to my eyes. It has to be you and Papa and Babaji Ammaji and few others who are looking after me. It has to be true.

Love you always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

What should I say to you and Papa today? What can I say? 
This is my biggest regret in life but all this is fruitless now that it is too late for everything. I just wish that you were here. If I could only go back in time...

You gave me everything and never questioned or complained about any of my decisions. Just like Babaji and Ammaji who never ever blamed us for leaving them on their own at that late stage in their lives. My other big regret at the same level is for Ammaji. She deserved so much and after having a wonderful life with Babaji in Meerut, who could have imagined and how could she have imagined that last 15 years of her life will be the way they were. I can barely read her letters because I can feel, well almost feel, her pain. When we used to get their letters when we came to the US, how you and I used to read them together and cry and miss them. Now I don't have to read them with and no one else can possibly know what it feels like to have been loved so much and then be so far apart. Now I wish I could call you or sit with you and tell you all that is in my heart and in my life - but you are too far away. I only hope that you can read my thougts and listen. Its been a while since I have seen you in my dream...

It is a very important day and I wish you were here; that Papa was here; and Ammaji Babaji; and others who have loved me and loved you.

With all my love and memories
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

There is so much to say... so much to talk to you about. You would have been so happy and it would have been such fun to have you and Papa with us. All these milestones without you leave such sadness in my heart.

You were always so brave and forward looking. I look back a lot. I had so much. Come to think of it, so did you. You were loved so very much by so many. I recently found a letter written by Taiji to you. She missed you very much as you two were very close. Found a letter from Tauji to Papa as well that he wrote a day after we left India in 77. He told him not to shout at me for being sad :) We had a good happy family. 

I sometimes just picture you two and Babaji Ammaji sitting with me in the car or even in the house and imagine how it would have been. Guess I will never know now.

You would have loved the little garden! I still remember all those cherry tomatoes you grew at the Temple Hills house. And that nice little veggie garden you had in Bareilly! You used to be happy there and used to sing all the time, I remember. Someone stole your smile - some day they will know how you felt - I just know it. But I just want to think about your smiling face and the happy times we used to have.

I miss you so very much - just as you knew I would.
With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

So many occasions come and go... without you. I like to think that you are always watching from above and are always with me... to be happy with me whenever happy things happen. I can see your smile so clearly and hear your voice. I want to think of you smiling always but then I remember so many of other times that were so difficult... I try driving those thoughts away because I know you would not like me to be sad. You didn't dwell on things... on the past. I don't know where I inherit this from but I wish I could be more like you in that I could just keep moving forward. The only time I have seen you sad was at the hospital while waiting for Papa as you mentioned something about Nanaji and naniji... I didn't want to make you sad further and so didn't ask for details. Maybe I should have... now in hindsight, I should have. There are so many things I want to know and want to talk about, but it is too late for all that, isn't it?

I haven't seen you in my dreams for a while. I wish I would.

You will be with me wherever I go... that much I know.

Love you
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I was just listening to your "Om hai jeewan hamara" in your voice and it all seems like yesterday. How can I have lived almost 9 months now without you? I can feel your touch, I can hear your voice and picture one of our walks together - all as if it was just yesterday. I also listened to Babaji Ammaji's tape that Papa brought. I am so glad that Papa added it to your memorial otherwise I don't think that the tapes are very good. Although I don't think that he was able to post the whole audio as it is missing "Om jai jagdish hari" in ammaji's voice. It breaks my heart to listen to Babaji and the pain that he went through.

I made some of your favorite dishes and some of ammaji's without onion. But I made a mistake and used the same oil that was used for onion dish - so I feel very badly. Next time I will be more careful. 

Mummy I am missing you very much today.
I love you.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Happy Mother's Day. I can't send you flowers but I can send you my love and it is yours forever.

Yesterday again something happened that strengthened my belief that you are watching over me from somewhere. Just the other day I was thinking that I envied you one thing that you got in abundance - at least until really bad moment came - that I will never have. But then something very unexpected happened and it could not have been anything else other than your aashirwad. I know you are somewhere - you all are. I know you want me to be happy and smile and I do when I think of all the happy times we had. Sure they were mixed up with everyday things that happen in every family but we were happy together and I miss those days. Today is just another reminder of the loss but you are always in my heart. I know how much you used to worry about me and worried about how I would be able to bear your loss. It is hard, very hard sometimes. 

I think of that Mangolian place we used to go for lunch and how much you loved that food and then I remember how your hands were shaking the last time we went with Jan and Dick... and it makes my heart ache. You would have only been 84 at this time... you went too soon...

I don't know how to call you and wish you a happy mother's day. I remember when you were here, we used to go out for lunch. Papa's favorite place for dosa is now long gone. I will make some of your favorite food today and hope that it will make you smile. You would be surprised at how much I cook these days :)

Happy Mother's Day, Mummy
With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Wish you were here and could enjoy all these new and wonderful things. Sometimes it hurts so much and I wonder why have all the things that we can't share with you and Papa and Babaji Ammaji. Can you see me? Can you see all the changes and are you smiling? I hope you are...

Every new step that we take brings excitement but also a sadness because you are not here... How excited you would have been... what you would have said... I can imagine the wonder on Ammaji's face.. But all we can do is imagine... and hope...

Always stay with me... near me Mummy. I could not 'banndh ker rukh saki' but I hope that you are watching us from somewhere and are now at peace and smiling down on us.

Missing you very much today and always. Today is Babaji's 42nd anniversary since he said goodbue to the World - but it is never a goodbye to us as he will always be in our hearts. You will all always live on in us... in our hearts.

Love you always.
Your daughter

Happy Valentines Day, Mummy

I used to send you flowers but you didn't leave an address for me and I don't know how to. I hope you can feel my love as you live in my heart now.

I didn't know I would miss you as much as I do. Sometimes I can feel physical pain. Wish you were here now that we have so much time and so many things to talk to you about. Wish we could sit together in the Sun and talk... Wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug. 

I send my hug to you in Heaven or wherever you are. 
Miss you... miss sending you roses. Miss seeing the beautiful smile on your face.

Love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Just thinking about you - on this night - 9 years ago your life became even worse! I try to picture that time and how helpess and confused and terrified you must have been. The only protection you had suddenly sort of faded away and there was no support - no one to offer you their shoulder to cry on and no one that you could express your fears to.

You went quiet that day and from then on said so little.

I only saw a happy smile when Jan and Dick gave you ride and you came home looking so much relaxed - at least for the first few minutes. I remember that well. I am so grateful to them for that time. 

I remember you mentioning naniji once to me when we were sitting in the hospital waiting for papa to come out of a test.

But mostly I remember you being so quiet and just taking everything without so much as making a sound. I remember you asking for a sleeping pill on your last night - and I know why you asked for it. I am just happy that you were spared the hardship that Papa went through. I am happy that you went with your dignity intact - just as you would have wanted to. You went with as much dignity and strength as you lived with. I hope that when it is my time, I can do the same. I hope you will help me from wherever you are.

Love you and miss you always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I hope that you saw today that the muffler you made for Chris kept him warm today on our walk. He was telling me again about the call you made to him in July ... just before... and he was really sad. Mummy, I miss you so much and look back so much on times that I cannot change. You were not like that - until you were broken. It was such a tough time and no one -- especially no one like you and Papa should ever have to go through it. I had most part on it as I selfishly let you go.

These days especially -- I think of you often and just picture you and me sitting around and talking about things to come.. think about our drives and walks together... I can picture your face and hands and feet as clearly as if I just saw them. When I am in the kitchen and look over the sofa, I can clearly see the back of your head... And I am so lucky that I can.  I feel lucky to be able to remember you vividly, remember your voice and everything about you. Not everyone is blessed with this and this is how I know that you are looking over me from wherever you are.

I feel you close but still since I can't touch you and see you physically, it hurts and it helps to talk about you with Chris.

Love you - as you know already.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I wish you were here today with me... You know why...
I can only try to imagine how it would have been.

Afraid to ask for too much because as you know Babaji Ammaji gave me that one moment I wanted in our house in Vijaynagar - in my room. I will never forget it.  I had promised that I won't ask for anything more. But it is probably okay to wish that you all were here now.

Missed you very much today.
With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

There is much to tell you now and time to visit but you are nowhere I can reach. But you know all now, don't you? Still what I wouldn't give to be able to call you and sit with you and just listen to you - all you had to say and tell you - all you want to know.

We never realize and appreciate fully what we have when we have it. I couldn't imagine a life without you - so never really took advantage of the time we had together. Now you are gone and I have so much to talk about.

Milestones come and go - when you were here we celebrated every little thing- at least until things started to take downward turn. I miss doing those things with you - miss going shopping with you; and for the walks and just enjoying the foods you cooked. Can you believe how much cooking I do now? You would be proud of me.... 

Missing you today very much as it is a special day. Wonder what you would have said!! 
Love always
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Come and take a walk with me one more time...
I remember that dream I had of you, a while ago now... where you and I were walking down and everything was black-and-white. And then suddenly we came into sunshine and all became so colorful. I felt like you were now better and healthy and happy - wherever you are. It was such a beautiful dream and made me so happy. 

Wish I could have that again. Every time I turn the corner near the house, I always look at that stone you stepped down from and think of you and that time.

Today Papa joined you and I just like to picture it that you came down and took him by the hand. I am sure you did. You were so protective of him and it was time - he had suffered so much.

Missing you today and always
With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy Pappa

Wishing you a very Happy 63rd Anniversary wherever you are. At this time we would have been going out to lunch somewhere to celebrate your day.

It is a gray kind of day. Wish it was nice and sunny because you liked sunny days. 

You know, what I miss most - or one of the things I miss the most are our trips that we took together. It was so much fun getting in the car, you bringing picnic basket and samosas and bananas and all sorts of things. We didn't have much money but we did travel quite a bit. The fights Papa and I had because even when he wasn't sure of directions, he would say "it should be this way" and point in a direction he could not possibly be sure of being the right way to go in. But at this point all I remember are the good times - us being able to go anywhere we wanted.

And I miss our walks together; shopping together. I rarely go shopping anymore. Miss your smile. And just plain miss you. Whenever I close my eyes and think of you, such a warmth comes over me - a familiar safe and comforting feeling that only parents and grandparents can provide.

Missing you on your day and always.
With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

63 years ago today you were preparing for your new life with Papa. You were so beautiful! I woke up thinking about it and wondered what you were doing just at that moment all those years ago.

Now you are all together again - I like to think so.

We would have gone out to lunch tomorrow to celebrate your day. I will make your favorite kofta curry - the way you used to. Just marking the day with something you would have liked.

Thinking of you.
Love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

It is another anniversary coming up - another year without you.
Eight years have gone by and four even without Papa. 
Feels so strange to think of it.
And there is so much to talk about now. I am hoping you know it already.

Walk with me once again in my dreams...

Missing you as always.
With all my love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I had a bad dream last night - saw you and you were not well. You were lying in the shade, got up and sat on a chair in sunshine. You looked at me as I was inside talking to Chris and I indicated to you that I will be out in a minute. I remember your face so clearly from the dream - you were in pain. I remember thinking I would call hospice and see if they can come to help you.

I know it is just a dream but I like it when you are smiling and seem happy. I know you are now in a happier place with all your family around. 

I miss you so much. Your legacy, your funds that you left are now beginning to come to fruition and help people who will come after you. Hopefully new innovations in medical science will make the suffering of others a little less.

I wish you could have been here to see the calendars, the new changes in our lives... we could sit and talk and take walks again. But may be you do walk with me as I carry you in my heart always.

Love you so much and miss you always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

You were there when I was born and I was there when you left this World. I keep thinking that you were exactly my age when you went through your Chemo and life just went downhill since then. I can't help wondering what it may have been like if I didn't insist you get Chemo and let you take some less harmful treatment. Would you have been gone much sooner then? But even so, what about the quality of life?

I regret my part in the suffering you went through because of your health. I will never know...

But today I woke up hearing your voice in my head "happy birthday"...
Chris made it a very nice day for me today - you asked him to take good care of me and he does. I think it is because of the love of all four of you that I have what I do now. You took care of me even as you were fading. Chris is right when he says to me "you thought you were taking care of her... but she was looking out for you.". 

I miss the times we had together... I feel sad for the time we never got to have because of so many problems. You two were too simple and unassuming and trusting. I wish I took better care of you.

Missing you so much today. I have your sweater on - just to feel close to you. I love you so much.

With all the memories and love
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

It is 3000 days today since you and I last sat together...
I have so many things to tell you. I know you know them already since you are always with me. But I wish I could sit with you once again and talk - the way you always wanted to.

Chris loves Pakori very much and every time I make them now I think of you and those midnights when you would make them for us... Those were such happy times. I wish I didn't resist you cooking so much because you would have been so happy to watch Chris consume those Pakori the way he does :)
But in my defense, I just wanted us to sit together and talk rather than you spend all that time in the kitchen... 

I just miss all those times so much. Miss you so very much.

Wonder if I will dream of you tonight or hear you call my name once again - just like a year ago now on November 1st.

Love you
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Wishing you a very Happy Diwali wherever you are.
Last few years since you moved to Wisconsin things were so bad in so many ways - mostly your health - that Diwali and Dasharah and so many other occasions we used to celebrate and had such fun and good food - kind of went unnoticed. Now when I look back, I wish I hadn't been so focused on your day-to-day health and tried my best to distract you in other ways that made you happy. Now that I know so many more things than I did before. 

Even things like instead of staying in hotels if we rented an apartment for a week or whatever, that would have been so much more comfortable and nice for you. I remember once when we stayed in one, you said as we were leaving - 'Yeh ghar jaisa laga hai'. It always brings such ache to my heart whenever I think of it. I wish I never let you go to Wisconsin... wish I was not so selfish and didn't take you on your word when you always said - 'sub theek chal raha hai'. I wish... I wish....

Yesterday you and Usha mausi gave me an unexpected gift. I hope Usha mausi knows how much she is missed - by me, of course but by her children. She was an unfinished story - even more than you. I hope you are together with her and that she is happy.. happy because her children have done well.

So much is happening now; many changes and happy ones - I wish I could talk to you all about those. I wish I could get you to come and help me with all the things that need to be done. But I know you will be there - and always are - with me - in spirit - in my heart. That one early morning of Nov 1st last year, you called out my name and I can still so clearly hear it! It woke me up from my sleep and I knew you were just letting me know I am not without my Mummy.


Love always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

27 years ago on this day you and Papa said goodbye to Ammaji. I am happy that you two got to be with her and she got to see you before she went to be with Babaji. I know the pain of not being there at the end. I wish I was there. But you were the only one I got to be with when the time came.

Ammaji - I remember her telling Babaji when he was worrying about her "Aap chinta kyon kertai hain? Merai chaar betai hai, woh sub dekh laigai". Babaji wanted us to look after her because we were always together before coming here. It didn't work out that way, did it? 

I am missing you all so much today - though I miss you every day. How can someone lose the pain, or even want to, of losing people they loved so much? I would never want to lose it. I smile sometimes when I think of our time together but tears also come.

If you are with Ammaji - and I hope that you are - please give her a BIG hug for me. I have been very fortunate to have had all of you in my life and to have been part of your family.

With love and memories always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Missed you today on your 84th birthday. But then there is nothing new. I miss you every day. On that birthday, your 75th, on cruise - we didn't know that it was the last birthday we would celebrate together. I have a feeling that you would have been happier to celebrate it at home but Papa sure was planning it for a while :)

I hope he gave you a balloon today. I will make Pakodi because it was one of your favorites and hope you will see and smile. 

I am keeping all those happy memories in my heart today because I know you are somewhere and can see me. And because today is supposed to be a happy day...

I will play the Happy Birthday song for you that Papa left for me :)

Love you.
Always in my heart - secure and happy...
Your daughter

We have very fond memories of spending some special time with you. We will always treasure those memories.

Sadar naman . May you rest in peace.
We have a lot of memories with you.

Dear Mummy

It is 4:52am in Madison - just about the time we turned the lights out. You were breathing deeply and we couldn't wake you up. HeartLand told us to turn the lights out and let you sleep. Papa and I dozed off for just 10 minutes. You took that opportunity to slip away quietly...

I left a candle on for you last night just as I always do.

I will always miss you... your love...and your smile... even your rebukes when I fussed too much. I will remember the touch of your hands and the color on it. You always used to say - look how red they are - I have a lot of blood.

I know you are looking down on me and telling me to not be sad... but how often did I listen to you?

Sending you all my love. Goodbye until we meet again.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Here is another year anniversary of that last day of us with you. At this time - just about - I woke up and was getting ready to come and see you. I was totally unaware of the most terrible night you had. I should have stayed with you... 

You went all so quiet. The only four things I remember you saying to me were - "aik cup chai..." and later when we were sitting at the bench - "chal thodi dair gaadi mein chalain". After that as you fell in bed you said "mujhai aik sleeping pill dai do". The very last words were "Jai Shiv Shan..." and without being able to finish it, you fell asleep and never woke up...

My heart aches thinking of all you went through and all that I could have done and didn't. I was thinking yesterday of those few times when three of us got out of the house to go for a walk. You were not able to walk the hills that you normally did - so you would turn left to take a shorter walk and I would, with Papa, turn right for the regular one. I remember turning back to look at you and thinking that one day you would disappear and tried imagining what it would be like to be without you - but never really could... I remember that just like yesterday.

On the 3rd this month, it was 44 years since we left home and all familiar and loving faces to come to the States and I thought of us a lot that day. Remembered saying goodbyes to Babaji Ammaji; remembered JFK airport; remembered Shirodkar Uncle picking us up and that long tunnel he drove through to bring us to the hotel. I wish I could visit that room again.. I remember getting letters from Babaji Ammaji and both of us crying as we read them; remember our walks in DC at nights and marveling at the wide side walks. Everything was new and exciting - happy and sad at the same time.

44 years have passed since then! You both sacrifised so much for us and didn't ask for anything in return. I miss you so much and would give anything for one more walk with you - to see that smile just one more time. But the only thing I can hope for is that you are somewhere with all we have loved and lost and have forgotten all the pain and sorrows - and are just happy - smiling down at me - and frowning that I worry and regret so much about what I can't change.

Missing you as always.
Lots of Love
Your daughter

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today;
While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.

Dear Mummy

I have the last photo of you and me sitting in my room and this picture here on your memorial - I look at it sometimes and wonder at how dignified and at peace you look. I wonder how you could manage it. That was the worst time of your life in every possible way but yet no one can look at it and tell that you would barely be around for less than a month! No one can look at it and sense any pain or sadness in you. That is something even Papa displayed - with his big smile for all when he was hiding so much pain and sadness. I don't think I can do that. I don't think I have inherited that from you. 

All the things you gave up for us and never ever said a word to us about any of that... Neither of us will have the life we have now without that but if I could just do it all over again, I wouldn't let you sacrifise so much.

For last couple of days I have been thinking of that last talk you and I had when you were sort of okay and at least your medications were still working. You had just come back from the hospital and were having dinner when I called. You told me that hospital had called and wanted you to come back. Yo said "Mujhai tow theek he lug raha hai; per yai sub keh rahain hain tow chali jaati hoon". I can hear those words as if just yesterday. I wish I stopped you - or had been there to make sure no harm came to you. But you were left alone at the hospital. Had I been there, I would have seen the signs and I know I would have been able to protect you. I never got a straight answer from the hospital as to why they called you back to be admitted. If only I had been there... I am so sorry Mummy - more than I can say. 

I want to think of just the good times we had - because we had many. We travelled so much together and had fun. Miss the samosas we used to make together to take with us on drives. Sometimes I think of those Puri-Aaloo we used to bring that you or Ammaji made when we went on a bus or train in India! But I have so much regret and I don't know how to just smile at your memory - I do sometimes - at your funny ways and all the corkiness - but not always. I remember so much pain you went through and I wish I could take that from you. 

I wonder if I will dream of you tonight.

Love you Mummy.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

You heard me!

Missing you just as much as you thought I would.
Love always
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I heard a story about building a cabinet... long story...but it made me think of the times you wanted so much for me to open up and tell you how things were going with me. I just didn't want to burden you (and have you fuss over me) at the time. But now I wish you were there and we could talk and talk... Not just about problems, but about all the things we used to talk about before you had cancer. Cancer stole everything from us -- the doctors stole the life we could have had. I miss that. I miss that so very much. So much so I can feel a physical pain. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to our home in India where we were all togther - even if just in a dream.

I miss you every day... all the time.
With all my love.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

You never wanted to go anywhere alone... especially not without Papa. But I guess you were very tired and needed the rest. Papa missed you much more than you would have imagined. And I miss you as much as you thought I would and some more... 

We heard this poem in "Hope Gap" and it says what I would have wanted to say to all four of you.

Forgive me for needing you
to be strong forever.
Forgive me for fearing
your unhappiness.
As you suffer
so I shall suffer.
As you endure
so I shall endure.
Hold my hands
and walk the old walk
one last time...
- By William Nicholson


Sometimes I just call out for you, Papa and Babaji Ammaji just so I don't forget the sound of it. 

The moment her heart stopped, mine changed forever..

Love you always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Last couple of days I have been looking at photos of Nainital... And when I opened up your memorial, the first photo that showed up was of you and Papa sitting in a boat in Naini jheel. Those are some of my more precious memories of vacations together. I can still see us so clearly up on the China Peak when the clouds surrounded us so suddenly that we couldn't even see each other! Memories of us hiking up the mountain... of sitting in a bus on the way to Badrinath... here in Florida. We did have a good time even though we couldn't afford expansive hotels and luxuries we can now.

And I thought of Papa and how it cannot be a coincidence the way he went and when... I am sure you all can see me from somewhere. This just cannot be the end. Or so I like to believe.

Love you
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Today just for a split second I got a glimpse of you in the mirror.  It was such a strange feeling. May be because I was wearing your top and may be I do look like you a little. Little things like these keep me happy and remind me that you are always close...

Still I miss your touch and your smile.
Often I think of you in Mawana with Mami, joking and laughing... and I wish I could go back in time to when we were all together and bring Chris with me.

Love you and thinking of you.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

I was watching a wedding yesterday and suddenly all the memories of mine came along and brought lots of tears with them. That was a happy day with both of you there on my Big day. I still wonder how it came about that your Sari's color matched with my dress :) That was sure an intervention I credit Babaji Ammaji to - they must have been somewhere around also...

If I could change one thing, I would have you walk me down the aisle along with Papa. You were a major part of it but I know you didn't feel it. I wish so much that I had thought of it. 

I am missing you very much.
Love you.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

No place to send you flowers and no phone to reach you. I thought about those times I called to wish you Happy Mother's Day and could hear your voice in my head - the smiling voice saying - Thank you... Thank you for being my Mummy and for the understanding and love that you gave me. You gave so much so quietly that I didn't know at the time. I keep thinking of Chris's words - "You thought you were taking care of your mother, all the time she was looking after you"... 

I am missing you so much today. Can you see me? I feel your love all around me but one always wants more... I wish I dreamt of you and Ammaji last night. I haven't seen you in my dream for a while now and I miss it.

I want to think of all those happy days and your smiles and laughter and vacations taken together... eating samosas you made... and of all that comfort of having you all around me. I know you don't want me to be sad or think about the bad times. You always said -" Jo ho gaya wo ho gaya... ab aagai ka socho... " I try... sometimes I succeed but mostly I don't. I want to hurt those who hurt you but then I remember Babaji saying to me "why do you care about people who don't matter?" - and I try to just think of those happy times at home in India and smile.

I just miss you so very much.
Papa always wanted to send a balloon to you and it was fun to do it with him but I haven't done it since him...

Sending all my love to you and Ammaji and all the other "moms" in my life who are not with me anymore. Hope a butterfly lingers where you are and you know I send my love through her.

Missing you and love you always.
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Chris reminded me of a promise he made to you - something you asked of him. He will keep his but we didn't keep ours to Babaji - did we? My heart breaks every time I read Ammaji's letters. Wish I could somehow reach you and talk about what actually happened because I don't remember. The only thing I am glad about that you and Papa got there to see her one last time and may be it gave her some peace to see you and freed her to pass on. I know Papa's heart would have broken if he didn't get to see her.

How strange all this seems when I think of it sometimes. All that time we had together in India seems like a dream...

To that dream...
and to you...
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

You waved at me and I could see you both from across the street...
And I thought I wish you and I could spend couple of days together... Then I woke up.

Something we were watching last night brought back so many memories of that last night... and of you asking for a sleeping pill... that was the last thing you asked for. 

Missing you so very much
Love you
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

You waved at me and I could see you both from across the street...
And I thought I wish you and I could spend couple of days together... Then I woke up.

Something we were watching last night brought back so many memories of that last night... and of you asking for a sleeping pill... that was the last thing you asked for. 

Missing you so very much
Love you
Your daughter

Dear Mummy

Today Chris told me about two special times when you did something that told him how much you loved him. Once was before we were married; papa and I had gone out and you were alone in the house. You called him and asked him to come over because you felt unwell. He said that he came over and you sat with your head on his shoulder. He said he felt so happy that you were so comfortable with him and that it made him feel so close to you.

And the second time was when you called him just before... and asked him to look after me because you were worried that I wouldn't be able to bear your loss.

It was so good to hear that from him and to talk about you. We were talking about your cashews last night that you used to fry for him.

He and I remember you and that is enough - I know you were watching from somewhere and I am sure you smiled.

Love you very much. Miss you always.
Your daughter