So, this all started because I was mad at Derek and he had decided to hang out with Jay Jay and not tell me. (Turns out he had sex with her in trade for spice.) Anyways, I was furious and livid, I knew my mom was going to be out of town, my cousin Olivia was working the late shift and my dad didn’t get off until 5:30, home at 6. And Josh was going to be out hanging with Karely as usual. So, me being stupid me making rash decisions asked Nathan if he was free the next day so we could finally “hook-up”. We had planned it a few times, casual sex, but never had gone through with it, just stuck to fore-play until that point. Well, my dad came home early, and he was watching TV by time Nathan and I had gotten to the house, I expected Nathan to want to leave but, he didn’t. I text Derek and told him Nathan and I were “going to play the Wii and I’d text him later”.

At that point, my dad was watching TV, Josh came home early for Future Freshman Night so he could wear his ROTC uniform  and I was stuck cleaning my room, listening to Nathan chat up with my dad about “selling [me] before the Comet went anywhere”. My dad informed us he was going to sleep, Josh left for FFN and it was pretty much skirt up, panties down. Simple, and quick, little bit of fore-play and then sex. He didn’t put on a condom at first; it was about maybe 30-40 minutes into the sex that he stopped to put the condom on.  And 5-10 minutes later we were done. Bam, 45 minutes of fun, talking about me “flying high on cloud 9”, best sex of my life, exchanging kisses as we walked to the school (He had to hold me up because my legs were practically jelly and weak). And the next day, I asked him if he wanted to hook-up again because my dad was at the car show. He said he couldn’t so I invited Derek over, which was the very first day I’d met Derek in person. Nothing happened. Just chatted, made out, typical early stage relationship.

On January 26th, Derek and I first talked of lasting and having kids. He said if and when I was ready he would love to have kids with me. He told me he wanted to spend forever and ever with me and that I was the best girl he’d ever been with and that he couldn’t imagine his life without me. And I hung out with Adam, kissed him. Text Derek and told him about Nathan and Adam. Derek wanted to “forget it ever happened”. Which was because he had cheated too, I read it through his I.M.’s with Jay Jay when he gave me the password.

And bam, it’s like reality set in, Which was when we made a pact to always be honest faithful and be together forever and if we lose our feelings to tell the other so they don’t get hurt. Well, we laughed and talked all night that night and talked about silly things, it was a big reality buster and I was pissed but I so desperately thought Derek was the “one”. We wanted 3 kids. Syerra Madyson, Lillian Marie, and Nikolas Mason.  Those were names we chose for our future kids.

And then Nathan, me, and Sam hung out a few days before V-Day. And I talked about finally having sex with Derek. I hadn’t noticed I was 1 week late. I didn’t pay much attention because it was so diverted between Derek and school and Chris. Naturally, Derek and I had sex before we saw “The Vow”. And on the 13th I’d realized I was late because my mom had bought me tampons.  I was freaking out. I asked my friend Destiny and Morgan to go with me to the Crisis Pregnancy Center, after taking 3 pregnancy tests which all showed up positive and realized for sure I was pregnant. And I knew who the dad was. And I knew it was not Derek’s and he would NOT take that lightly.

And then Sam and I talked of hanging out with Nathan. I said yes because I ultimately wanted to be alone with Sam and tell her, as well as break the news to him. But, as we talked in the car I realized he had no interest in anything above friends with me. So I tried to sway his mind by being reckless and stupid. I was already pregnant. It didn’t matter. None of that really mattered. But I chickened out when I realized he had feelings for Sam and she had feelings for him. So, I was in a tight spot and chose to shut up and deal.

I debated between abortion and adoption and keeping the baby for a couple weeks, until I told Derek. I told Derek on February 26th, and Derek was gung-ho happy and me being pregnant and with the timing when I told him, he assumed the baby was his. And Derek proposed to me. He was so happy and I didn’t want to tell him because I wasn’t ready to be a teen mom, and I didn’t want to have to do it alone. So, he talked me into keeping the baby, and then he asked me to talk to Sean which was just around the time the DNA test results of him being my dad came through.

I called Sean, crying, freaking out. Sean was PISSED. He gave me the lecture from hell. And Angela was amazingly understanding and sympathetic. She wanted me to keep the baby and Sean followed in her footsteps. She helped me with everything. Set me up with an appointment and realized I had to go to a High Risk OB-GYN because of my heart problems and the health issues in my immediate family. I had my first ultra-sound on March 7th. Angela and Kamrynn had come with me. It was then that I’d realized my entire life was going to change and I was going to be a mom, ready or not. I saw my baby there on the screen. I lay on the table, just staring at that baby inside of me, growing and growing. A little “me” and I couldn’t have been more excited.

And then my mom’s fights with us kids started getting physically worse and I was scared, frightened, completely deathly mortified, petrified if I stayed in that house any longer, I would lose my baby and I never wanted that to happen. So, I left. I grabbed the cell phone, packed my stuff and told my dad I loved him but I had to leave, as well as Josh. I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t exactly think staying round my mom’s abusive ways was very healthy for me. I wanted to stay with Sean but he didn’t have the “mental capacity” to deal with a pregnant woman. He offered to pay for a hotel and food and everything I needed, as long as I visited and kept him in touch and he would take care of everything as far as the baby went. He just wanted to be there. He was ecstatic to be going to be a grandpa; he was past the “she’s only 17” stage. 

I didn’t tell my mom because I was pretty much in the same boat she was when she was pregnant with me, scared shitless to admit that their perfect smart responsible was irresponsible, reckless and made a stupid decision and now had a baby to prep for. I didn’t want to hear the lecture from my dad and knew that if I did tell him I’d have been kicked out anyways and disowned. At that point, I needed ALL the love and attention I could get.

And I moved in with Ricky for the first time. I was moody and cranky and nauseous all the time. I was always hungry and complaining about the most ridiculous things, I felt fat, I wasn’t getting enough sleep, I didn’t have something to press my back against, my stomach hurt, I was hungry, I was thirsty, something smelt disgusting, my thighs touching was bothering me and I was gaining weight. (When I got pregnant I was a straight 140, and at 10 weeks pregnant I was weighing 145. I was pissed. But with being pregnant, Derek and Ricky and my dad didn’t dare mess with me. They pretty much did as I asked unless they wanted the water works. I was overly emotional and whiney. I figured, I was creating a child inside of me, I deserved to be prissy and rude.

But then I got unusually sick, I was puking all the time, couldn’t hold ANY of my food or drinks down, I had a fever that spiked to 103, and I was flipping between the chills and hot flashes. Derek thought it was typical pregnancy stuff but I wasn’t. I was scared. It was my first scare. I thought I had lost my baby. I called my mom to take me to the hospital, went in, checked in, mom left and they verified my baby was okay, but they were going to keep me  and run some tests and take a look at what could be causing all of the symptoms I had.

I was overly stressed and scared that my mom would find out or that she would come to the hospital during the times Sean and Angela were there. But, none of that happened, no. All I found out was I had a benign ovarian cyst, about 5 cm in diameter, and not to stress about it. They recommended if the Ovarian Cyst grow in size that I would get it removed before 16 weeks, while the baby was still small. But I never got it removed. I’d remembered reading about it affecting the baby’s growth, chances of a miscarriage or being pre-mature. And all of those frightened me, but my doctor never expressed serious or high worries about it and said it was common. She explained they happened to 1 out of every 100 pregnant women and that if I stressed about it, it would only make it worse on the baby.

While I was still in the hospital, when Derek had visited me the last time the nurse had expressed enthusiasm in my pregnancy and healthy baby. And talked to Derek, thinking he was the dad, about how far along I was. And that I should be all excited. And I was up until that point. Derek calculated it in his head, I was roughly 11-12 weeks pregnant at that point which was a little shorter time than we’d been together and we didn’t have sex until a month nearly after we got together. He knew it in his head, Nathan was the dad.

When I got out, I went home. I didn’t have a say in that matter, mom said so. Well, I was out of energy with fighting with Derek about it. I told my parents I’d liked a boy. And they liked Derek too because he showed up at the hospital. When he picked me up to go to Maricopa the following weekend, we bickered about it back and forth. He didn’t understand why I hid it from him. And truthfully I didn’t either. Christopher was in the back seat crying and I was trying to soothe him. Derek was clinching tight to my thigh talking about that “thing” in my belly and was disgusted at the sight of me. We were fine around his parents, laughing and talking.

But when they welcomed us to go to the e-team party at the park and them watching Chris, I was scared. He took me to a deserted area at the park and we yelled, I stomped off and cried. He yelled so loud once that it scared me shitless. I sat down on the steps and listened to him belittle me and my child. I threatened to leave him if he kept it up and I stood and tried to walk away. He had grabbed my wrist and said “I swear to God, if you walk away, you will regret it, and I will show you your place”, I tugged back and he squeezed tighter. Once I wriggled free, he grabbed me again, pushed me into the grass and started grabbing at my chest and telling me I was going to give him what he wanted. I had sex with him and I was mortified. It was painful and I was in tears. When he was finished and saw me crying, he got mad and slapped me across the face. I shut up. He grabbed me by the mouth and said “Do you know your place now bitch? Your mine and you can’t do anything about it.”

I was scared at that point to not obey him. He apologized for his attitude and the hitting me and forcing me to have sex with him, before I walked in the door of my house. That was March 31st. He asked my mom for permission to date me. And the next day I told my mom about Christopher. We went out to the park and talked and he told me that he didn’t want me to tell Nathan because he wanted that baby to be his, and to let us pretend it was Baby Odom.

It didn’t even last 2 weeks. We were fighting on our 3 month anniversary and he hit me again. We fought constantly and he never let me live down the fact that I was a whore and got pregnant. The fights and beatings didn’t cease at all. And a day before Nathan left, I debated on telling him anyway, I debated on just telling him everything about me being pregnant and the whole story until he understood he was the father, all because of one little kick. It was a remarkable feeling. I couldn’t mistake what it was, and I cried and decided it was then that I had to tell him. But instead, he changed my mind when he talked of finding a girl and getting everything he wanted with her and coming back a changed man, happily. I didn’t want to do that to him, at all. So, I didn’t tell him, I just kissed him goodbye and cried. I wrote him nonstop letters telling him everything but I never had the guts, I never sent them. I didn’t want to do that to him. I cared too much.

Derek and I were growing worse and worse but I loved him more and more. My baby was growing and growing and kicking and moving and becoming more and more real to me. Derek would talk to the baby, he loved the baby. But he had his random fits and moments where he lost it and hit me. By time prom came around, I did not want to go, I couldn’t find a decent dress that would fit or expose my growing belly bump. But we still went. And he hit on Chelsea. I was pissed that night. I was enraged and pissed and didn’t like that he was being such a shitty boyfriend all because of one mistake I made. But every time I got close to speaking up, he’d hit me and shove me back into that same spot.

When Derek was good, he was great. But when he was bad, he was terrible. He would scream at me, god-awful names and the only time he’d touch me when I was angry was to fuck me or punch me pretty much. I didn’t have a say in much of anything. I did as he said and made sure I’d stayed clear out of his way. I seemed to live in his anger and fiery temper. I mean I fought and defended myself against my mom and yet Derek was doing all she’d done, and worse. He would black mail me and lie. He threatened to take a child from me that wasn’t his nor yet even born. He threatened to take Chris which was a big thing to me as well, Which was why Derek and I had fought in the end of May and resulted in my passing out and hitting my head on the dash board. It was my biggest fear, Ricky was so mad, and I remember Ricky carrying me inside and Derek was sitting on the sidewalk.  I text him and told him if I lost my baby because of him, I would never forgive him. But the baby was okay.

By time it got to June I was overly excited to go to New York to get away from that life I had here. I was hoping getting to New York would be a good thing for me. I had numbers and everything for OB-GYN’s in New York so I could still take care of everything I had to the entire 2 months I was there. I was looking forward to getting away from the abuse and belittling. And I knew if he decided to yell at me on the phone, all I had to do was hang up. It’d piss him off but I was away from home and he couldn’t hit me. He couldn’t get me there. But as luck had it, it got cancelled. I was staying in Phoenix for the summer.

My baby was fine, growing as it should have, and ultimately healthy. There never seemed to be anything wrong with the baby. That was the only positive about my life. I was scared to leave Derek and I knew if I told anyone he would only make it worse. He held the ultimate control over me because of my being pregnant and Christopher.

When I left again, the final time, things hit rock bottom with Derek. He was overly worrisome with who I was with, who I was texting, what I was doing and if I was “whoring around” I was pregnant and he would never know. So, he constantly accused me of the shit I did that caused us to be in the predicament we were in.

But it was amazing when the baby moved, when it kicked and nudged and just showed proof the baby was there.It usually got Derek to cool down and he’d smile and laugh and touch my belly and get down on his knees and put an ear against my belly. He’d laugh about the baby trying to push him off my belly and we would be okay again. The baby was our only “good” sources of conversations. Although I had been in the hospital 4 time because of my scares, It was stupid small things I worried about, a few days without kicking or any moving and I go off on frenzy and would go to the E.R. with Angela and be scared shitless I had lost my baby. But I never did. I always was fine, my baby was healthy and I was over stressing myself and needed to relax and do something fun and relaxing and calming.

Which was when I had talked to Derek about moving in with my dad to raise the baby, they wanted me there and we talked about it all and my dad was excited. Derek was okay with that until after I graduated, then he wanted me to move in with him. And we talked about when the baby would see him and he was okay with coming down every weekend to see the baby. And I said I would always be able to convince my dad or Angela to drive me to Copa to take the baby to see its daddy. And it all seemed settled. Angela and my dad had kept a bunch of stuff from when Angela was pregnant with Kristofer. And they did get new things for the baby and I. They even decorated the guest room, with Derek’s help, as a surprise. They’d painted my room a fair pink color and got new pink sheets for my bed. They crib and changing table was right next to the bed and the window. I was excited. But I didn’t want to move in until 2 weeks before I turned 18 or had the baby. Whichever came first, since I was due so close to my birthdate, November 2nd.  I justified my reasoning’s as school and not wanting to put too much pressure and stress on myself and telling my mom sooner than need be. Nothing kept me from telling my mom when I moved out other than my own fears.

I got closer and closer to find out the sex of the baby. And I wasn’t completely worried about finding out. Up until you and I hung out and you told me that you wanted to know with Jocelynn so you knew what everyone who bought her stuff knew what color to buy. I thought of the rationality about it all and agreed with you. Ultimately I didn’t want to know because Derek did. I wanted a boy. I had thought about a lot of names and had settled of Colby Nathan-James for a boy, and for a girl I liked Colbie Chelsea-Marie or Ainslie Leighton-Marie. Anyways, we talked and that’s when we had discussed, while Derek was in the bathroom at Cortez park, and Jocelynn was in the back seat, and we were talking about the possibility of the baby being Nathan’s, and I knew for a fact. And I knew I had to tell Nathan soon, despite what Derek wanted. 

And that day I told Nathan. I told him and he was very shocked and had to “think” about it. He didn’t know how t react and it fucked up his plans because he’d found that girl he thought was perfect for him. And that fucked up Derek too. He was pissed and angry that I had to put him in that predicament. He said I was being reckless and stupid and not thinking about the consequences. Which as you can guess ended up in a big fight, as always.

The day after I told Nathan, I found out the sex of the baby. I was having a girl. I sent Nathan pictures of me holding my belly, and told him we were going to have a baby girl. I remember being thrilled and the feeling of knowing I was having a daughter. I dreamt about her, what a beautiful girl she would be, with having a mother like me and a father like Nathan. I sent the same messages to Derek and we discussed name options.  They hated my ideas. And Nathan said that he wanted to name his first born daughter Scarlet. I loved it. I fell in love with the name because it seemed to make Nathan happy and Derek happy. Derek loved the name and I chose Chelsea for her middle name.

I remember calling Chelsea and telling her I had some bad news. She was scared shitless, she was like “Oh my goodness, sweetie, sissie, is the baby okay?” I laughed and said “yeah, but you’re going to have to share your name, we chose Chelsea as her middle name” She flipped, she a) had just found out the sex of the baby and that b) that the baby would be her name sake. She cried and laughed and I had never heard any ne more thrilled in my entire life. And then I had asked you to be her god mother, Derek chose you but I couldn’t find a better pick for her.  I mean granted I wanted a boy, but I was content with a girl. I just wanted a healthy baby.

Derek and I had been at a rocky patch when he left for some trip to Jelly Stone Park. He came back and it was hell. Because I had made decisions about Scarlet that he did not like. I knew that Derek wanted Scarlet to be an Odom but I didn’t want that. I remember telling Nathan, despite the fact that he won’t be in her life as often as Derek, there was no guarantee’s he would stay and that I didn’t want to torture my child by giving her double last names. I made the case and point that she will and always will be a Jeppe. Derek HATED that, He thought if Scarlet got Nathans last name that she wouldn’t love Derek. And I had to tell him that no matter what, if he stuck by Scarlet, not even me, but her that she would always know the love he had for her.

That’s why I care so much to this day. Despite his undying hate for me and Nathan, he had loved my daughter more than he had ever loved anyone. And he had worried and cared about her before he had even met her. I loved that I had to promise that he could always remain a part of my daughter’s life. And that if in fact Derek and I remained together, he would be daddy to Scarlet as well as Nathan. I had to put it in the concept of me and my dad and step dad. I don’t call Bruce step-dad or anything, just simply Dad or Daddy. And the same at that point, went for Sean. And that is how I intended it to be with Scarlet.

I remember just before I lost Scarlet, Derek and I had gotten into a huge argument, the worst by far. I was so angry over him talking to Dessie and Deanna without telling me and it went awry fast. And he brought up the stupid issue with Nathan again. He just could never let that go. And he had hit me, harder than he ever had before. He had me pinned against the tool shed in the back yard of Ricky’s place. I was crying and he was holding my chin in between his two fingers. I remember him raising his palm and it hitting my cheek. I cried and cried as he continued to hit me in the face. I crumpled to the ground and he kicked at my legs and thighs. He pulled me back up when he saw Ricky come out and told him I was “in pain.” I just nodded and agreed. And he pulled me back inside. He had squeezed my arm so hard it was bruised. I remember going inside and laying down on the couch and Chris sitting between my legs pointing to my belly saying “No baby” over and over. I hadn’t felt Scarlet kick in a week or so at that point. I didn’t think anything of it because it’d happened before.

But that night, I woke up in the middle of the night, bleeding. I started panicking and crying, begged Angela to get me. Derek refused to believe me and said I was making it up to get him to forgive me. I remember texting you and Caitlin and Nathan in a panic. I was crying the entire time while I was with Angela. I knew something in my heart that something was wrong and my fears were confirmed. I was lying in the hospital bed and the doctor came in and said he was so sorry but I lost my baby. I remember crying and shaking, shaking my head, touching my stomach as if she were there. But Angela told me she was sorry and that’s when it clicked. My baby was gone, forever. And all I could do about it was suck it up and get over it.. I had dealt heart break and pain before but never like that. And I wasn’t ready to deal with it, so I closed up. I shut down and removed myself from being able to remember, to feel. I went home, got dressed just to start my day again, and go to school. And I told Sam, and Nathan and Derek and Caitlin. And I let it go. I shut down, I felt as if I had nothing left.