Grieving
16 Oct 2011.
It's been 7 1/2 months since Shereen passed, and I continue to grieve tremendously - in fact now moreso than ever before. After Shereen passed, I received several invitations to attend grievance group therapy, but never did, nor do I anticipate I will. For me, grieving is very personal - I don't want to 'share' so many of my thoughts and feelings with others, even though I've oft been advised that doing so can help - not only me but others as well. But perhaps my contemporaneous notes following may help others understand one man's experiences.
I have read of the grieving processes - the five-steps of grieving, seven-steps of grieving, and so on. I will share this - we are all different and grieve in our own way. Some say 6 months is a 'normal' time to grieve, other say a year. I say it's an individual matter - there is no 'right' or 'appropriate' length of time to grieve, nor can we expect to get through Step 1 and be done with it as we move to Step 2. No, it's been my experience to continually revisit the various Steps in no particular order. As a result, I myself am on a see-saw of sorts - feeling fairly well for a few days, then not for a week or so. Tears flow readily almost every day since Shereen passed. I feel myself as no longer whole. I recall writing in an e-mail to a friend that I feel like I'm walking solo down some remote path, hands in my pockets, kicking at stones and watching the dust rise as I shuffle along, going absolutely nowhere in particular.
I feel the terrible loneliness of living alone - no longer coming home to Shereen, or waiting for Shereen to come home.
There are no more meals being cooked, no dinner parties Shereen loved to prepare, no shopping trips, no drives in the car, no picnics at the beach, simply no anything. The isolation and lack of nearby family is taking its toll. I feel myself getting more fatigued than ever - more tired and lethargic.
My appetite is completely gone - I sustain myself primarily on powdered drinks and canned or frozen meals - if they can even be called meals. I literally have to force myself to take even minimal sustenance. At one point I found myself having dropped about 20 pounds in a short period of time. But then a craving for ice cream came on, and so the pounds went right back on. Currently my weight is stable, although I need to be careful of eating too much sugar.
I'm told that time cures all, but so far, I haven't experienced the 'cure' - as time goes by the worse I get. But perhaps at some point, time really will start its cure.
Yes, there are friends who call every once in a while - I get invitations to join them for a Sunday brunch or a dinner at a nice restaurant, but I simply have no energy or desire to do any of that. As a result, I find I'm unintentionally pushing people away from me. I'm sure at some point the calls will become fewer and then stop - people don't like being refused all the time and so eventually they may stop asking/inviting entirely.
But too, I need to be fair to a few friends and family who I know will always be there for me - they will always stay in contact with me. To protect their privacy, I will talk about them using first names only. In no particular order...
Abidin and Melek - they were very close to us - they are and will continue to stay in contact.
Cevza will also stay in touch, but is currently giving me 'space' to get through much of the grieving process and back to normal.
Barbara W. of Chicago is an attorney and long-time friend, who literally took me by the hand and guided me through the maze of processes to administer Shereen's estate - when she visits Hawaii she's always here for me, most recently completely restored our condo from the mess it was in, to a nice, neat place to be. Following that, she even opened all my mail for me (I hadn't done a thing except toss it into a huge pile), sorted it, and set aside those things that needed my attention. She feels Shereen's presence to provide help to me, and regularly calls and e-mails me to check up on how I'm doing.
Sheldon (Barbara W's brother). Sheldon came to visit his sister while she was on vacation here in Hawaii. He and I spent some time together, which was very helpful to me. He too lost his wife some months before Shereen passed, so his words of comfort and understanding were very consoling. He offered me advice on how I might get past my grieving, but as with all others who have tried to help me, I just can't seem to get out and about and otherwise occupy my time beyone just staying alone in the house. But his words weren't lost on me - I often think of what he said and perhaps eventually they will give me the motivation to help myself.
Shannon and Lidia, who live in the same condo as I do. As other close friends, they regularly check on me, offer to run errands and take care of matters that I'm simply too tired to accomplish.
Dave and Lisa (husband and wife), and LisaAnn - they regularly call to check on me with a standing offer of help whenever I need it. Dave severally extended an invitation to lunch to discuss my situation - just waiting for when I'm ready to do so. Dave is also our UBS financial advisor - he's been extremely attentive to my needs and takes very good care of our portfolio - regularly calling me giving me updates and advice. But beyond that, he also checks just to see how I'm doing. He and Lisa (and more recently LisaAnn - all of the same office) are very near and dear friends indeed, but even beyond that, almost like brother and sister to me. I have a very small circle of friends, and they are most certainly in that circle. I so often wish I could reciprocate and not dash their expectations regarding their regular offers to help, but I'm just simply not at a place where I can do that yet. Many other people have offered help, but because I've not been able to receive their help, they've now essentially given up on me - a perfectly natural reaction - there comes a point when you simply stop trying to help. Not the case with Dave and Lisa and LisaAnn though - they are true friends indeed who I know will not give up on me. God bless them all.
Members of the Mormon Church. As a result of Dave's (see immediately above) concern for me, he asked several members of the Mormon Church to contact me. He also asks me to join them for church services (I've only gone once), as well as the Christmas 2012 party (which I attended). First there was Zak, who I met with in the park and we sat talking of the loss of not only Shereen, but Zak's wife as well. Then there was Betti who called and offered to talk with me whenever I wanted. Further, two Elders of the Church have contacted me as well. Unfortunately, and because I was (and am) becomming more reclusive then ever before, I haven't met with Betti or either of the Elders. But as time goes on, I find myself in need of help, so perhaps I will finally meet with them.
Barbara and Jacques who e-mail me all the time with words of solace, and who offered to arrange the Hawaiian religious ceremony of spreading Shereen's ashes to the ocean this coming Jan 2012 (after Denise and Andea return to Hawaii). As noted elsewhere, Shereen's cremains were not scattered - this primarily in deference to our daughter Denise's desire that her ashes remain in tact at the small memorial I made for Shereen in the house.
Kahu Kalehua 'Stuart' Featheran who will oversee the arrangements for the spreading of Shereen's ashes. NOTE: During Denise's visit for the 2011 Christmas season, she sat at the memorial I prepared for Shereen in our home, and asked if we could belay the spreading of Shereen's ashes - Denise wanted to know that Mama was still here with us. I readily agreed that we would keep Shereen's ashes in tact - and that when it is my time to be with Shereen, Denise will mix our ashes together so that we will continue to be together forever.
Wanda who arranged the March 2011 Celebration of Life for Shereen and stays in touch with me. For those not aware, Funerals can take many forms, one of which is a Celebration of Life. I purposely agreed to Wanda's suggestion as I wanted, as much as possible, to celebrate Shereen's life - something I know she would have wanted vice the more solemn and typical funeral as most of us are accustomed to.
Bill and Anita - Two very good friends who have a standing offer to assist me whenever needed. Bill was especially helpful at the Celebration of Life - he coordinated the flow of activities for me, something I myself just could not do. Thanks to him, the Celebration turned out exactly as I would have wanted.
Barbara and Christian - again, a standing offer to help if/when I need it.
Richard and Alan - e-mails and a standing offer to help. During his regular trip back to his farm, Richard keeps in regular contact with me just to see how I'm holding up, as well as to give me news of what he was doing.
Barbara O. - One of the few Armenian friends who calls to see how things are going. (We once had a fairly sizable group of Armenians here in Hawaii, but most all have left the island).
Nora and Wanistha - an e-mail now and then, plus a standing invitation for a coffee to discuss how I'm getting along. Just like with Dave's invitation to lunch, I'm just not ready to go out and about too much, so it'll be quite a while before I can accept their kind invitation.
I've purposely saved the best for last - family.
Denise, our daughter, who worries about 'Daddy'. Not only is she grieving herself, but just like her Mama, always there for me - always ready with comforting words to help get me through this especially difficult time of my life. But I now also feel considerable guilt. I was focused on my own grief - I may not have done what I should have to console Denise. Further, Denise didn't tell me too much about her own grief - she knew I was in overwhelming distress, and in her unselfish way (just like her mama), she avoided talking about herself but instead focused on consoling me. God truly blessed us with a most precious daughter. Denise and her husband Andrea live in Switzerland, so it's a long way to travel except for once a year, although Denise stays for about two months at a time. Her being here with me takes a considerable amount of hurt away from me, and of course relieves the loneliness/emptiness of losing Shereen - I can only hope that I do the same for her in some way for having lost her mama - I know she feels the terrible loss. I look forward to January of every year - the month she starts her eight-week stay. Andrea visits as well, but his job allows him less vacation time than Denise. Because of Shereen's initiative, we bought them a small condo so they have their own place to live in comfort while here - plus there's 'Mama's car' that Denise uses - I purposely didn't sell Shereen's car so Denise and Andrea would have it available to them.
Eli and Sara - my brother and sister. I've leaned on them with my grief, and they've both been there to listen and provide the moral support I need to survive. Both of them are on the East coast, so our discussions are via e-mail. Nonetheless, they've both been very patient with me as I would re-tell my grief over and over - I'm sure it had to be difficult on them over the months to read the constant replay of my thoughts and symptoms. But compassionately they did and offered words of support to aid me. It greatly eased my pain to know I had them by my side. I should also note that Eli offered to come here to Hawaii to stay with me for a while, and Sara extended an invitation that I visit her. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to pull myself together for either - I didn't want them to see me in my grief - in a way both Shereen and I were the same - we only wanted people to see us as well and happy (as I mentioned in an earlier Chapter, Shereen did not want visitors while she was ailing - she wanted people to carry memories of her as healthy and vibrant - not laying in a hospital bed).
So all in all, I have quite a few people who are in my corner so to speak, but for me, grieving is a private matter - I'm just not able to share face-to-face with others. But at least I do have a support group of some very kind, generous and compassionate friends and family who won't abandon me in spite of my current desire for privacy, and will be there when I finally bounce back. God bless them all.