Today is Friday, 2 Nov 2012, 20 months since Shereen passed, and I am as weary as ever living in solitute as I do.  I so often pray Shereen will come and take me to her, but that's not happening.  One reason of course is she wants me to be here for our precious daughter Denise - so do I.  So, I continue along this dark journey hoping that soon God will allow the sunshine back into my life.  But too, I've read that God will take us all in His time, so until then, I will simply keep walking down this lonely road.  Just wanted to express my feelings at this particular low point.  Things will brighten up though - Denise will be making her visit to me starting the beginning of March 2013, and stay for perhaps six weeks - we're both looking forward to that.  Her husband Andrea will also visit, but unfortunately he can only get a two-week vacation.  No matter, it will be wonderful to see them both again.  Perhaps someday I'll get up the energy and make the long trip to visit them in Switzerland.

Today is Wed., 6 Jun 2012.  In two days (8 Jun 2012), it will be our 49th wedding anniversary - one which I will celebrate alone - although I know Shereen will be with me in spirit.  As I mentioned in another narrative, I still wear my wedding band - I am still married to my precious Angel - that will never change.  Yes, I am a widower, but in reality, still married to the one I love with such fervor that I can't describe.  It will be a tough day the 8th of June - no doubt I will shed many many tears as I sit here alone.  I will think back to the 47 anniversaries we celebrated - hopefully with happy memories.  I will look at pictures that Shereen so carefully sorted and put into albums.  I will sit by the memorial I have to her in our home and pray that she continues to be in the arms of God - no longer sick - no longer suffering as she did for all those months of her illness.  I will remember the call I received from the surgeon who removed her diseased spleen that it would have taken a miracle to recover.  I will also remember his words that I not feel guilty that I was unable to save her from passing in spite of my constant care of her.  Yes, I do feel guilt - I was suppose to be able to enable her to recover - that was my function as a husband - to care for his wife and make her well.  But God took her from me - I have no idea why He did - I still question what no mortal can answer - but someday I will join her and perhaps learn at that time why she was taken from me - I will learn of God's plan.  All I can think of is he wanted another Angel, and this time it was Shereen.  I greive more now then ever before.  I grieve for longer periods then ever before.  Often I pray that Shereen will come and take me to her - I want to be with her - but I also know that won't happen - our daughter needs me to be here for her and so Shereen won't come for me.  I'm currently losing weight, and barely eat at all.  I feel myself getting weaker; I feel the lonliness closing in on me; I feel as though I'm going to pass soon.  As terrible as that may sound, I look forward to joining Shereen.  There have even been recent thoughts of going to her by my own hand - the only thing stopping me is consideration for our daughter - I don't want her to be without both parents, even though she is married, happy, and part of her husband's large family.  I don't remember things that people tell me, even an hour after they do.  I'm slipping - I feel it - I know it's entirely possible that I'll soon join Shereen.  I'm lost, fatigued, lethargic, lonely - perhaps God willing, I will join Shereen on our 49th anniversary.  Yes, and again, these are terrible thoughts - but I can't help putting my thoughts in writing.  I am tired dear God - please relieve my pain - please take away my lonliness - I beg of You.  I recently had a dream where Shereen came to me and told me to follow her, but before that could happen, I awoke.  I actually had to look around to see where I was - I actually thought I had indeed passed on.  Obviously, not so.  I was disappointed.  And so my life goes on, such as it is.  I love you Shereen.  I love you Denise.  I love you Andrea.  Please forgive my thoughts, but this terrible tradgedy that has befallen us is just too much for me to bear.  They say God will never burden you with more than you can handle, but I sometimes wonder if that's true - I'm at a point where I simply cannot tollerate any more grief.  I have the means by which to take my life - if I do, I can only ask that family and friends forgive and understand.  No one can imagine the sheer torture of losing a spouse - unless you have yourself.  God bless family and friends.  God, please bless me if I should decide to join Shereen.

Shereen loved to travel, and this photo is one that goes back a couple of years.  As I recall, this trip included travelling with Denise primarily to Italy.  So here's my beautiful and precious Shereen posing in front of some ruins.  I can tell from the look on her face that at this point, she was feeling healthy and happy and enjoying every moment of her travels and visits. 

I am so happy that Shereen both had and took the opportunity to travel.  She so often talked about travelling at a point when she was healthy and able to travel - almost as if she had a premonition that God would take her earlier than any of us expected.

Shereen typically took two vacations a year - one was usually to the mainland to ski with the Hawaii Ski Club, and the other to visit Denise in Europe, and use that as her jumping off point to other destinations, including visiting family and friends in Germany and Turkey, as well as her visits to Greece, Italy, and other countries.

I thank the Lord for allowing her these so many opportunities to do something she loved to do so much - travel.

This picture is from Shereen's last visit to Switzerland (Summer of 2011) to visit our precious daughter Denise, a most compassionate son-in-law Andrea, and their beautiful cocker spaniel, Coco.  You can't tell from the photo, but Andrea is a large man - he fills the doorway when he walks through.  I think he scrunches down a little when pictures are taken so he doesn't overwhelm those next to him. :-)

I can tell that Shereen was feeling poorly, even though she manages a smile.  But too, the smile is genuine - she's with our Denise and Andrea - a very happy occasion for her indeed.

Denise is just so precious - a most loving and giving person - just like her mama.  I know she's suffered tremendously having lost mama, but in her unselfish way, regularly worries about me - wishing there was more she could do - but then she has her own family to worry about, so just knowing how much she cares for me does much to relieve my pain and grief.  I only wish there was more I could do to help her in her grief.

Andrea was also consderably pained at Shereen's passing - he loved Shereen and has been a truly wonderful son-in-law to us both in these most trying of times.

As I look at this picture, I'm reminded of how fast time passes.  Soon the holidays will be upon us.  I wasn't sure how I'd make it through them, but in their loving way, Denise and Andrea will be visiting me over the holidays.  They were originally going to come in Jan 2012, but changed their plans so they'd be with me for Christmas 2011 and New Years.  I'm still not up for a lot of activity, but just having them near me for a quiet celebration is more than I originally expected.  Sitting together, a glass of wine, some hors d'oeuvers, and a few decorations is all I want to make me happy.  God bless them for opting to be with me - this the first holiday we will be without Shereen.  But too, we all regularly feel Shereen's spirit with us, so it will really be the four of us together.

26 May 2011

Little did I know that this would be the last brithday Shereen would celebrate.   Because I'm introversive, I don't go out much, but for some reason, something came over me to take Shereen out for dinner instead of celebrating at home.  She was feeling poorly, but because she loved going out, the dinner was most welcomed.  As I now look back, I can't imagine how I would have felt had I not taken her out - of course I had no idea this would be the last dinner - but again, a 'force' of some sort encouraged me to do so.  I am so thankful that I had this last opporunity to celebrate with her in a manner she preferred.  God bless you my sweetheart - I will love you forever and ever - never will I forget you.  I still wear my wedding band, and always will.  In my mind, we are still married - it is not 'until death do us part' but rather 'until death do us both part', at which time I will join you for eternity.  I love you so much that words cannot describe.  The light of my life.  My Angel.  My Precious.  Oh how I love and miss you.