ForeverMissed
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Missing you always

December 31, 2020
I just miss you Sophie, your gifts are never too far. The painted tropical bean pod, the handmade books and journals, your postcards and letters. You gave others so much more than you realize, not just things, or even experiences, but your willingness to share your heart. I only wish you had conserved some of this generosity for yourself. I'll probably write again in a year or sooner, thank you for being you and for always being with me even in your absence. 

Madrid 1997 Sophie,Loes,Karen,T.Jeannot

April 29, 2018

Leuke herinnering van onze reis samen naar Madrid. T. Jeannot

On your 42nd Birthday

December 31, 2017

Happy Birthday sis!
The family will all be together at Leerdam with month old Alexander.
Miss you and love you. 

One of Sophie's Poems...

Peace-

a still sea,

just before jumping in,

while hearing the waves of mother's womb.

 

On the edge of life

unaware of its current, its pull,

its turbulence.

 

There's no stopping, turning around,

nor leaving-

your feet have left the ground.

Somewhere divided, you-

between air, horizon and sea.

 

Water still unmoved by my entry-

Was it a cocktail of courage and willingness,

or gravity itself,

which brought me to this airy moment-

seconds short of impact?

 

You've been immersed before,

with head above or beneath the horizon,

waves continued to undulate.

 

Until, a gargantuan wave,

sparing you, leaves you on a barren shore.

 

Then, an unsolvable puzzle

with a three dimensional time constraint,

and a morphing perspective,

reveals M.C. Escher shoots and ladders-

a Wonderland where you appear at once pawn, at once king.

 

Each loosely organized step

imposes change upon a lifeline,

A filament, so delicate, its end the sight of fusion,

where innumerable particles bind,

releasing the energy of Continuance.

 

Without warning,

nor specific purpose,

this spider's thread will lead your Weathering Will,

to face another height, upon another cliff.

 

Here, again, I look upon a still sea,

How to reappear?

Back On Curacao

June 18, 2016

I've taken a few steps back in the last days. 
I needed some time to let the flood of emotions since the funeral eb a bit. This gave me a chance to reflect on good times instead of making sense of a reality full of questions.
Having experienced the suicide of our mother and seeing Sophie struggle with similar questions for decades only drives home my notion that there are few if any answers. It is the circular thinking that arises from this futile mental effort that gripped Sophie (and myself at times) and eventually helped paralyze her. 
I know that, like in the past, it takes time for the sorrow guilt, regrets and empty bits of my life to be replaced by acceptance; for the fond memories to seep back into the cracks of my mending heart.
This site is part of my plan to (eventually) give everyone who was touched by Sophie, in her many guises all over the world, a place to see, hear and read about those happy times.  Honestly, I'm quite sure Sophie would have hated all this online "stuff" but I'm also sure that a big part of her problem was feeling she had nowhere and nobody she could really turn to (read my eulogy). Happy Sophie would have been proud for all who knew her to experience her many positive qualities, her art (no pun intended), words and impeccable grooming. I'm just waiting for the parts she kept so well hidden to fade. Sophie was always too concerned with how others perceived her when she was alive. It puts a smile on my crying face when I see lovely photos, read and talk about her life. She hid her dark sides for a reason and I'll be damned if give into that haze.
I spread some of her ashes at one of Sophie's favorite places in the garden at Mahaai. In my mind's eye, can still see her sitting there with a smoke and a glass of wine. I know she'd get a kick out of some of her atoms being there as well.
I miss you Sis. 

Sophie's Smile

May 1, 2016

When I think of Sophie the first thing that comes to mind is her BIG beautiful smile.  She has a smile that just brightens any room she walked into. 

No matter what she was feeling on the inside she didn't show it on the outside.  Sophie's smile showed how big her heart was and the love she has for her friends and family.  I don't think she realized what a trooper she truly was. 


I remeber all of our dicussions Sophie and you will forever be in my heart my dear friend!  Your smile and love will live on among your family and friends! 
Love you SOPH!!!

SMILE ON MY FRIEND!!!!

Alicia



Keep on Smiling

If at times you feel you want to cry.
And life seems such a trial.
Above the clouds there's a bright blue sky
So make your tears a smile.

As you travel on life's way
With its many ups and downs
Remember it's quite true to say
One smile is worth a dozen frowns.

Among the worlds expensive things
A smile is very cheap
And when you give a smile away,
You get one back to keep.

Happiness comes at times to all
But sadness comes unbidden
And sometimes a few tears must fall
Among the laughter hidden.

So when friends have sadness on their face
And troubles round them piled
The world will seem a better place
And all because you smiled.

By Alexandra Skiathitis

A wonderful person

February 5, 2016
by Rob O

I'll always remember her sweet smile and wonderful laugh - it seems like yesterday we were hanging out and living next door to each other.  I knew Sophie 20 years ago at Tufts and cherish the time we had together. I was once able to help her when she was going through a tough time, and will forever be glad I was there to help. After leaving Tufts we lost touch - and while I tried to look her up over the years she kept a low profile online, and was difficult to find. This past year I was getting ready to turn 40, and it made me think of a conversation we once had about turning 40 and its significance for her. I was 6 months older than Sophie and tried to look her up once more, but found out I was a month too late. I'll always remember the fun we had together and will keep her memory alive - she was a great friend and one of the best people I've ever met. 

October 30, 2015

I dont have a touching story like the others before me. But for some reason I was thinking of Sophie and googled her. Perhaps because I lost a patient and a collegue this week. 

Shocked, sorry, but not surprised to find out she isnt with us anymore. She was a special person. We roomed together for a while in Uttecht.

I will wear the hat she bought for me while taking a walk in the woods tomorrow.

Sweet Sophie

May 31, 2015

We know Sophie since my husband, Enrico, became good friends with her father Jaap for over more than 10 years now. Although Sophie was struggling with herself we did always admire her will and fight against this and she was always there at parties, happy hours and gatherings. Sophie had a great sense of humor and she could always make us laugh.
I remember walking with her on a sunday afternoon Happy Hour on the Wet & Wild beach and there was a guy from which you could immediately see had a crush on her. He followed us and asked Sophie for a cigarette and after getting this from her he gave her a beer. We kept walking and suddenly Sophie starts laughing and said "Flavia I scored a beer"! 
When Enrico was around in his body shirt and Sophie was there she was always teasing him with his "big breast" and played with them like radio buttons.
Her humor and simplicity went so far she told us once a story about someone who showed her a very expensive huge diamond ring. Sophie kept starring at the ring and all she could say to the woman was: "It looks like an Icicle".
So beautiful, so simple, so honest, so Sophie.
Sophie we are sure you have find now all piece, harmony, laughter and love. 
Flavia & Enrico

A touching note from my Maternal family.

May 29, 2015

Art,

Let me just share this with you and your family:
I used to be a lawyer, based in London for some time(in the eighties). At a seminar in Cambridge, one of the English lawyers came to me when he heard my name, and the first thing he asked was: are you the sister of Caroline?
Everybody seemed to remember her very well over there... At about the same time or maybe a little later, at a party in Paris, I heard some friends of friends talk about a Dutch/Belgian family living in Saint Germain en Laye, with a beautiful little girl called Sophie...

Dear Caroline and Sophie, so much loved!

All my love to you to

Christina Verlende

May 25, 2015

Sophie, I spent 2 months in Antwerp when you were new born and I remember your parents were preparing your christening in March 1976. Caroline had just put up a nice flowerish wall-paper - I think it was in your bed-room. You were such a beautiful baby and later I met you and the rest of your family in Oslo on your way to a cottage on the west coast of Norway. I knitted the sweathers which you see on this picture to you 4 children - hoping that you would come to Norway to see the reindeers. You came to Norway - but did you see any reindeers? This summer I will meet all the foreign Cambridge-friends of Caroline in Iceland. We still have good contact after meetings in Norway, Sweden, Spain (Malaga and Madrid), and Cambridge. We all miss Caroline among us and we feel close to her family - even that we have not been in touch. You looked like her. You brought back a lot of memories to me when I just by chance was looking through Google.com and found this Memorial Website.
 Strange - isn`t it? 

Sophie

May 12, 2015

I am struggling to write about Sophie as I am struggling to believe she has died. I have had this photo near me for years as it reminded me of the happy, carefree Sophie I saw in Monduli, Tanzania. She brought me the book Motherless Daughters which rocked my world. We talked about being motherless daughters. I love Sophie. She was an amazing young woman who never truly felt how amazing she was. The last time we talked, we had talked at length about depression, I said how amazingly talented I thought she was. She replied, "I never felt I could live up to the expectations you have of me." It made me sad. I know she struggled with her demons but I wish she could have felt the love we all had for her and the amazement at how wonderful she was. I felt like part mom and part friend to Sophie. The world is a darker place without her. She is with her mom and friends who have died before her and she is happy. For this I am grateful but I am still really, really sad.

My Sophie

May 10, 2015
I only lived in the same place as Sophie for two years of our lives. I realize now though that they were two very important years for me.    We graduated from ISD together in 1993 and as senior students, we wrote "senior wills" - to leave stuff, memories and advice to each other. Really weird thing actually, but anyway... I went down to my garage the other day and got out our senior wills, and I read Sophie's on the plane going down to Holland for the funeral.

(In her will, Sophie left me "More tequila and ice cream", by the way!)    At the end of her will, she wrote:    "And lastly to myself: The strength to enter into a world I did not create, and the power to change as much as I can. All any of us wants is to leave a footprint on the earth before we perish into eternity! "Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb…" Pink Floyd."   I want to say that Sophie left a huge footprint in my heart. Some of my best and brightest memories are from those two years and from her. I've been in touch with lots of ISD people in the past week, and it's apparent that she left huge footprints with everyone. Apart from the fact that every single guy seems to have had a crush on her, they all talk about her laugh, her smile and her energy. They all send their sincere condolences and they are devastated. I am too.

I know now about her struggle, but my memories of her are completely different from what I learned in the 24 hours I was in Holland, and although I will always regret not having gotten in touch with her in the past few years, I'm so happy to have "1993 Sophie" in my memory. She was one of my best friends and I loved her.   Thank you for a beautiful ceremony. I'm so glad I came – to see all of you and to share these moments with you. Thanks for including me in your family gatherings, for taking me around to her apartment and studio, and thanks so much for Sophie'e piece. I will find a nice place for it in my house.   Stay strong and keep in touch.   Lots of love, Sandra XXX

My Funeral Eulogy

May 8, 2015

If there is anyone who can relate to the condition Sophie was unable to bare, it must be me. I've wrestled with similar demons. Even invited them and provoked them, to try and make sense of them and thereby conquer them. I have discovered that in my struggle and through my suffering it is in the surrendering, acceptance and letting go of what we can't explain that we can find peace. When you can swallow a demon, you gain it's power! I believe that regardless of how hard I made it for myself the capacity for love and joy was never lost, even when I was only just holding on.

 

In the last decade, Sophie too was just hanging on. Lately this was almost all that she was doing. It became harder and harder for us and for her to accept that existence was almost all she had left. I have to call it “existing” because it really was a life somewhere between joy and sorrow. Looking back on our past conversations and reading her honest thoughts, it's clear that life for her was getting harder and harder to bear. To the point where she couldn't even cry about it anymore let alone be happy to live it.

 

The roller-coaster of her life turned into a merry go round, and even that started to loose the merry. Near the end it was just a roundabout. No one could drag her off and she didn't know how to make it stop. She couldn't find her way back onto the roller-coaster, god knows she tried. Too afraid that she would continue to fail in her own eyes, Sophie isolated herself. Putting on a brave face for those close to her made it all the harder for her to accept support. I too have felt forlorn. To the point where it was harder to be around those that I was sure loved me. Harder even than to be alone.

 

Sophie was still making plans, still “trying” in her own limited way. So concerned with what she thought people thought of her. Always accepting the negative opinions of others over the praise. She avoided both where she could and tormented herself with shadows from a past she never could shed much light on.

 

For those closest to her, those who wanted her to choose life, and knew how great she could be when she did, it was inevitable that we sometimes turned away. It was often easier for me to avoid seeing her than to watch her waste. I tried to be an example. In my own imperfect way, without excuses for my failures and shortcomings. I hoped she would see that life is about falling down and picking yourself up. Something I had to realize for myself. She wanted to be so perfect when picking herself up that every stumble was seen as a failure. Eventually it was easier to just follow routine, do everything she could so as not to disappoint others. Put on a show, a brave face, prepare her story well and fool those who knew her best as well as those who knew her besides. All the while she would give more weight to evidence, real and imagined, that supported her own sense of inadequacy. As the years progressed, her medication and her own mind conspired to block her emotions. She mentions how there less and less tears and laughter. Sorrow and happiness had melted into an amalgam of indolence that left her numb. She saw no other way out. Her roundabout only had one exit left. The choice to take the road to life faded and the path to death became the only one she could take.

 

As all of you know, this is not the first time our family has experienced a loss like this one. The similarities are striking, with one big difference. Though my mother Carlie completely isolated herself in her last living moments, Sophie did not want to go alone. I take comfort in the fact that she passed in my fathers arms. She really wanted to go but at least in final moments she was not alone.

 

Once we have all taken the shock and processed the loss a bit, it is important for me to ask you all to remember her life! She spent enough time dwelling on her own sorrow for us to continue the same way. Throughout her life and even in the toughest of times she continued to produce. We are left with many pieces of Art ( you will have noticed them yesterday) Poems and initiatives like the “Order of the Crimson Poppy”. This last Project is something I will continue in her honor. Sophie always felt the suffering of others very deeply. I have a short account Kathy Sell (one of her teachers at the International School of Dusseldorf) sent to me recently describing our time together in Tanzania:

 

"People who don't have money to give to the church bring items to be auctioned off after the service. On our first Sunday in Tanzania Sophie bid on (and won) a live chicken. Many people offered to buy it from her, but she knew they only wanted to cook it for dinner so she held out. Because women in Tanzania were not allowed to own property (in fact, they were themselves considered property in some cases), she kept the chicken until she could find an old lady living alone to whom she could give it. This was our Sophie!"

 

Sophie has a big heart. And it often had more room for others than for herself. It is unfortunate that, especially later in life, her troubled mind prevented her from realizing her good intentions. As a way of carrying on her desire to help those less fortunate, especially underprivileged children, I will be continuing her “Order of the Crimson Poppy” and am currently fund-raising for this cause. I encourage you all to contribute. My goal is to endow a foundation so that I can make yearly donations to appropriate and worthy causes especially those supporting children in Curacao and Tanzania.

 

I am also publishing a collection of her poems and we have many beautiful pieces of Art she created that I will make available to those who would like to hold on to a physical bit of Sophie. We are here together to mourn her passing but I would like us to leave with fond memories of her life, her creations and all her positive accomplishments. Let's not mourn too long and instead turn her memory into a lasting force for good.

Thank you all for coming to share in our grief. We value your support. Please feel free to approach me in any way and help me remember the Sophie in the best possible light.

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