ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of our loved one, Spring Friedlander, 75 years old, born on July 24, 1943, and passed away on March 22, 2019. We will remember her forever.
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March 22
March 22
Dear Spring, I think of you often, and miss our many trips and time together.
And your brave choices, a model for us all.
Pat
February 15
February 15
Spring,
spider lilies dance in the wind for you.
Reading about your story, I found tears falling from my eyes,
not in sadness for what was,
but tears driven by sublimity.
Your passing is beautiful and good, for you chose for it to be. 
Thank you for your bravery.
Thank you for doing what you believed in and felt called to do.
Thank you for taking a stand for the ones who cannot.
In your death, death for many has been remade.
                                                                שלום אהוב
Pictures of you loving the community around you,
of you young and old,
of you doing the work that you so loved.
I cry for you happy and beautiful tears.
Peace oh beloved.
Peace is what you sought.
Peace is what you found.
Flowers bloom in Spring.
July 24, 2023
July 24, 2023
Oh, dear Spring, You will always be remembered, and so missed. So many times, I think of all you did and how great it was being with you, both in our NY days, and out here. You are missed, kid. (I called her kid sometimes because she was 4 years younger than me).
July 18, 2023
July 18, 2023
Dear Spring,
You were so ahead of our times. You are missed - and you always will be.
July 17, 2023
July 17, 2023
This isn't a tribute to Spring, whom I knew and cared about for many years ... but just want to tell Robin that I was around during that time when Bari Rolfe was being cared for Spring. She was yet another wonderful woman, whose name brought back many good recollections. Thanks for mentioning her.
July 17, 2023
July 17, 2023
Hello to whomever may be reading this. I was thinking about my aunt, Bari Rolfe yesterday, which led me to think about Spring--they lived together in Oakland and Spring took care of Bari as she aged. On this site I discovered that Spring had left this earth; reading the commentaries on this site has been wonderful. I didn't know Spring well, but greatly appreciated her loving connection to Bari.
March 23, 2023
March 23, 2023
Spring, you would be happy to know that I have shared our story yearly. A friend of a friend teaches a class on death and dying at Sewanee University, and she heard about you/us from our mutual friend. Two years ago, she invited me to speak to her class (online). She shared your website with the students before my visit. I have now done this three times. Each time, the students were extremely attentive and interested in you, your decision, and the whole process that led to our journey to
Switzerland. They asked intelligent and thoughtful questions. A number of them said that the experience changed their view of death, and helped them understand that it could be a healing choice. I know that is something that you hoped to communicate, and I'm glad I could help to spread your message. I still love and miss you. Sometimes I encounter something and think, "Spring would be so interested in that."
March 23, 2023
March 23, 2023
Oh Spring, you will always be remembered for the amazing person you always were - and so far ahead of our time. You are, and always will be, missed. 
July 24, 2022
July 24, 2022
Oh Spring, you will always be remembered: You were so ahead of our times.
Love always,
March 22, 2022
March 22, 2022
The long post that I posted today was supposed to have been posted a long time ago. Apparently I wrote it but never clicked on "Publish," so it remained in draft form until I noticed it today and finally did publish it. I was late in writing it, but not THIS late.
March 22, 2022
March 22, 2022
Hi, Spring, wherever and whatever you are now. It's the third anniversary of your passing; the third anniversary of our last trip together. I think of you regularly. I see, hear, or learn something and think, oh, Spring would be interested in that. I know I'll never forget you. you were and are an indelible part of my life. I send you love.
March 22, 2022
March 22, 2022
I am very late in posting this, but better late than never. I am one of the 2 people who accompanied Spring on her final journey, and I was honored to be present at her departure. Following is a slightly edited version of what I shared at Spring's memorial service.

Memories of Spring Friedlander - notes

We met at a regional cohousing conference in Sacramento in 1996. We both stayed at a house in N Street Cohousing. We slept on mattresses in a large living room. We started talking and found out we had many things in common.

We saw each other at various events thereafter, and began a friendship.

We evolved a pattern of getting together 2 or 3 times a month for a walk, a meal, and a nap. I learned about the virtues of napping from Spring.

Some things I learned about Spring:
She was the least defensive person I have ever met. She was very assertive, but always willing to hear my response and negotiate.

She was a problem solver. She was very intelligent, with many physical and mental skills. She viewed almost all situations as problems to be solved. Often this was helpful, but sometimes I needed to say that I was not looking for a solution; I just wanted to be heard. She would always respond positively to this.

She was also a master networker. Whenever she learned something new, she would pass it on to people she thought should know about it. She loved connecting people, especially connecting someone with a need to someone who could fulfill it.

She was very self-aware. She had ADD, and was up front about it. This helped me understand many things about her behavior. When I met her, her emotional awareness and social skills lagged behind her mental and physical ones. She knew this, and in the time I knew her, intentionally worked to develop these areas.

She had significant physical limitations, due to an accident that occurred before I met her and which injured her back. She maintained a complex routine of holistic health work, both with practitioners and on her own. This included a restricted diet that changed over time, on the advice of her practitioners. I learned the basics of her diet restrictions, and we developed ease when ordering in restaurants. She worked hard to maintain her level of activity and normalcy.

One of the most important things in her life was her house, Prudence Crandall House. This was a large house in North Oakland, which she maintained as a coop house. Shared living was very important to her both as a personal lifestyle and as a movement. One of her great frustrations was that she was never able to establish the kind of community that she craved in her own house, although at times she came close. As I saw it (and as I told her), one issue was that she wanted diversity in her housemates – diversity of age as well as race. She loved having children in the house, and enjoyed the opportunity to establish close relationships with them. However, that same diversity often meant that residents had different life goals and different priorities than she did, and they were often not willing or able to prioritize the household community as much as Spring would have liked. Also, there was a fundamental power imbalance. Spring was the owner and landlord; the rest were renters. Spring wanted an equal balance of power, but she had veto power, and sometimes had to use it when she felt the house was not being maintained properly.
I think giving up her dream and selling the house was one of the hardest things she ever had to do.

In recent years, I became aware that Spring was experiencing some deterioration. She could no longer take extended walks. (Neither could I.) She got thinner. She developed an allergy that bothered her more and more. She became less able to fulfill her time commitments. Being with her became more difficult, because it took her more time and energy just to maintain her body, and she was less able to be active and outgoing as before.

I know she was at least as aware of this as anyone. When she began to talk about choosing to end her life, I was able to hear her and find a way to understand where she was coming from.

It was always very important to Spring to be a contributor. Like me, she learned the Jewish value of tikkun olam – making the world a better place. I think it bothered her very much when her physical deterioration made it impossible to find energy to give to the community around her. She began to talk about wanting to end her life before she ran through her money, and wanting to leave her money to people and causes that would use it to help make things better in the world.

Spring researched her options for ending her life very carefully. Eventually she decided on going to Switzerland and using Dignitas to fulfill her last wish. I think she felt this would provide the easiest exit for her and be the least burdensome on those around her. She postponed the trip for many months, because she wasn’t ready (“First I want to go to the Jewish Film Festival,” etc.). Then, at the beginning of this year, she felt that her deterioration had increased to the point of being a burden to herself and everyone around her, and decided that the time had come. I was very honored to be asked to accompany her on her last journey on this planet.

On her last full day, we went up a mountain. At the top, there was snow, and a wonderful view of the surrounding area. I’m happy to think that this was one of Spring’s last experiences.

Carol Ruth Silver has written a report on the details of Spring’s departure. I will only add that she had absolutely no ambivalence or doubt about her choice. She affirmed it twice to the Dignitas doctor who visited her on 2 successive days. She affirmed it to the women who assisted at her departure. And once she drank the fatal dose, she lay back with a wide smile on her face, and started to sing! I believe she died completely happy.

I will miss her, of course. I choose to remember her as she was for most of the time I knew her: An active, socially conscious, community-oriented, generous, self-aware, always-growing human being, and a good friend.



March 22, 2022
March 22, 2022
Its the third anniversary of your death Spring R. I'm still drinking coffee :0 and the garden continues to be a good source of fun; I'm finding reasons to plant vegetables. Parsley is a real winner and goes well with eggs and lots of butter. Yummy on an empty tummy. I miss you a little bit but so grateful for the times we shared cos now I have a little bit of you everywhere. How lucky am I!
August 6, 2021
August 6, 2021
Dear Spring,
You were so brave, and so ahead of our times in making the decision that you did. But then you were always ahead of your time, in your career, in who you were and how you lived your life. You will always be remembered, you are missed - and you always will be.
March 23, 2021
March 23, 2021
Yesterday, the second anniversary of your passing from this life, in Switzerland, I woke in San Francisco to sunshine and cool winds, and I thought of you, as I do often. You gave me the honor of accompanying you to the final day you had chosen to pass from this life. As I watch the political progress of issues you had championed, I am heartened and amazed: Co-Housing. Death with Dignity. Honoring the contributions of African-Americans to our American history. Women taking their rightful top places in government and business throughout the world. Resistance to Anti-Semitism among leaders even in countries where that particular evil abounds. Even some species of whales are recovering, although others are not. Thank you for your life of dedication and service. Rest easy, friend, companion.    
March 22, 2021
March 22, 2021
Spring, my friend, I think of you often... At work, when I turn down Spring Street, When I do a short hike on my favorite trail, that passes by a natural spring, every year at this time, as the season changes from winter to the hope and promise of Spring once more, and also the anniversary of your passing. You are missed.
March 22, 2021
March 22, 2021
I´ve already put in a comment, but looking at the many entries today, I realize that she was even more important and had more of an impact than I had known. For that, I´m grateful. I will think of her on this yahrzeit day, and that will bring up some lovely memories of her childhood, her brother Danny, her
parents (all of which were part of my teen years in Hyde Park, Chicago) and then the visits I had with her in her beautiful co-housing place.
March 11, 2021
March 11, 2021
Oh, Spring Ruth, looking at all the photos brings back so many memories over so many years, so many memories of your caring, your accomplishments, our friendship back to the 60s. I miss ya, kid. 
March 11, 2021
March 11, 2021
It’s amazing to have Valentine’s Day somewhere peaceful to celebrate.
July 24, 2020
July 24, 2020
Your birthday will be remembered, dear Spring. Happy Bday in the great beyond.
March 22, 2020
March 22, 2020
Today is the yahrzeit (anniversary of date of death) of Spring Friedlander, friend, feminist, leader, obsessively unique in her choices of life, love and death. Thank you, Spring, for helping us see you, and life, in different ways. You will be, as the mantra of this web site suggests, Forever Missed. Love,
Carol Ruth Silver
August 9, 2019
August 9, 2019
I hope someone will read this on the occasion of the Memorial for Spring. We were long life friends as I posted before. Spring and I used to commune during our lives about our left wing upbringings. I believe Spring was worried for us and this country and the direction it was headed. Her life is a tribute to trying and, at times to making things work better; and the outcome, for better or worse could never be as bad as the politics of this period we are watching unfold. She has done her part and I hope we all keep on keeping on for the good causes Spring cared about.
August 9, 2019
August 9, 2019
Spring was a pioneer, and a brave one, as a bisexual, a co-housing advocate, and in living and dying . I honor her life and her spirit! I knew her from the 1970s in the women's community in Berkeley. She was a model of being strong and forthright at a time when we were all learning to speak up for ourselves. A year ago, I recorded an interview with her about her experiences as a bisexual in the women's lesbian community in Berkeley in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s. She put the transcript in her archives. Thank you for living such a large and important life, Spring! Your spirit lives on in your work and the people you touched.  I am sorry to miss this event with others who loved and appreciated Spring. Have a great celebration!
July 24, 2019
July 24, 2019
You will always be remembered, dear Spring. You were amazing, and will be missed.
July 22, 2019
July 22, 2019
I met Spring when she was a shy 9-year-old Ruthy. She was in a group I lead (I was 15 then) in HaShomer HaTzair, a SocialistZionist
youth organization. We stayed in touch over these MANY year and I often stayed in her communal house during the 3 years that I lived in California. I always admired how she came out of her shyness, embraced her parents' progressive ideas and lived in her own unique way.  I died in that unique way too, and I admire her bravery to continue to be strong and resourceful all the way to the END. BRAVA Spring!
July 21, 2019
July 21, 2019
it was wonderful seeing Spring Friedlanders Estate on the big screen at the SFJFF, where we always saw each other.. the estate made a donation ie per her wishes..
let me repost my request for donations for us to finish cataloging what she left in trust for us.. and shipping costs from STL to SFLAbor.
these will be shipped Just the week after her birthday, fittingly enuf! thanks all, in advance and belatedly for caring for her and therefore all of us.. lx
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Posted by Laura X on May 26, 2019
hello, I just got an announcement that says there is a new tribute , but I don't see it,, so i will say hello to you all, amazing how many of you i know but did not know that she knew you!
fyi we are currently fundraising for turning over her collections she asked me to curate and ship to U of Houston with the 1000 boxes we have culled down.. and to the SF State Labor History archives.. The Bancroft library requires 1000 a box if someone donates to them for them to process it.
hopefully SF State will not require that, but it is a costly process..
any donations for the Breakaway or Tradeswomen collections are so welcome at http://Lauraxarchives.org in Spring's honor.
July 20, 2019
July 20, 2019
Hi
Is there any more information about a celebration/memorial for Spring on her birthday? Please let me know. Thanks
June 9, 2019
June 9, 2019
Ms. Spring will be missed, but we can Celebrate her memory in our hearts everyday. I and a few others are working on a Celebration and I was thinking about the park or marina in Emeryville off of Powell and I880. In order for everyone not to have to rush perhaps Saturday or Sunday near her birthday on Wed. I met Spring in 1983, but in many ways I realize I did not really know her, but enjoyed being around her. Spring will always be with us. Dance and have fun. I can be contacted through Stephanie, if anyone wants more information on the Celebration any contact information to get the Celebration going.
June 6, 2019
June 6, 2019
Spring was a friend since the third grade. Our parents were left wing and we could talk about such things during the McCarthy period, a saving grace. I remember Spring continuing to associate with our family; she said he felt like a relative. I remember her choosing her name and changing it from Ruth to Spring, nice choice! A UW grad and then a Hunter College grad and short time city planner, she found more satisfaction in carpentry and working with women and youth. She made a communal life in her own style too. and it lasted about forty years, I think. One of a kind, she was and to the end did it her way. It was good to have Spring in my life.
May 29, 2019
May 29, 2019
The memorial for Spring on her birthday, a Wednesday -- the 24 of July -- is coming up. We need to plan! Who is thinking about this?  
   Some one on this site suggested reserving the picnic location at Pointe Pinole, where Spring liked to walk. Sounds good to me.
   I suggest late afternoon, say 5:00 PM to 7:00 (some of us work). 
   Spring always liked to do every event as a Pot Luck, which however requires someone to keep tabs (or else A-G bring main dishes and do set-up; H-L bring recyclable plates, cups, napkins, forks & spoons; M-Q bring salads and manage food tables; R-Z bring drinks and deserts, and organize clean-up).
   Someone should make a decision and send out an announcement. Sooner is better, because all of us are multi-taskers!
   I knew and loved Spring for almost forty-six years, and I love her still in her absence. She has used her end of life as she used her living, to point to a new and better way of being in the world, of relating to our environment and to each other. Truly she will be missed, and remembered.
May 26, 2019
May 26, 2019
hello, I just got an announcement that says there is a new tribute , but I don't see it,, so i will say hello to you all, amazing how many of you i know but did not know that she knew you!
 fyi we are currently fundraising for turning over her collections she asked me to curate and ship to U of Houston with the 1000 boxes we have culled down..  and to the SF State Labor History archives.. The Bancroft library requires 1000 a box if someone donates to them for them to process it.
hopefully SF State will not require that, but it is a costly process..
any donations for the Breakaway or Tradeswomen collections are so welcome at http://Lauraxarchives.org  in Spring's honor.
May 25, 2019
May 25, 2019
To Friends of Spring - I hope there will be a memorial for Spring -
Spring - I love your clarity and unwavering commitment to make choices about your life. I honor those choice even though I would have liked to have you still be here to talk and walk with. We shared connection on many levels. I appreciate your integrity and unique wisdom. I liked the ways you tried to manage your life - from organization and time management. Even when it didn't go smoothly or as planned you kept re approaching the areas you wanted to changed. Thanks for taking me to see Hick. I learned a lot over the years. 
All Ways Moving in love
Robin
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019
Rest in gentle peace, Spring. From our Tradeswomen days, your smile and vibrancy will be remembered.
May 13, 2019
May 13, 2019
I will remember Spring as a kind and generous soul. She never hesitated to share her vast resources to help women in design and construction. Be at peace.
April 25, 2019
April 25, 2019
I met Spring relatively recently—about two years ago at the funeral of the mother of a friend of mine and a friend of hers. We ended up walking out together and, knowing Toni had been her friend, I asked her how she was doing. She told me she wasn't doing very well and that she was considering committing suicide. This was quite shocking to me, of course. I had recently started offering a Shamanic Healing Clinic once a month and invited Spring to come, thinking that perhaps some work on a spiritual level could return her to balance so that she would feel better. I was quite surprised when she showed up! She became a regular at the clinic for the next year or more, working with all our practitioners here, and received many healings, a soul retrieval, and was reconnected with her own personal power animal who could act as her personal connection to spirit. These things appeared to have a beneficial effect on her as when she returned each month she had more color in her cheeks and seemed more energized. I was once again surprised last summer when she said she was still committed to ending her life. After we had a good talk about it, I finally understood where she was coming from, and the work at the clinic moved in the direction of preparing for her transition, and being ready for what was on the other side.
Spring had a powerful effect on everyone at the clinic with whom she worked, and I really miss her, even though we really didn't know each other very well. I was drawn to her so quickly on our first conversation, and was so sad to learn of her passing without having been able to say goodbye. I know she is finally at peace and without pain. May she walk with the spirits in joy.
April 23, 2019
April 23, 2019
It was a pure blessing that our paths crossed as we both served as a educators/teachers.
Spring was a true inspiration to all women especially in all fields construction, & engineering.
She may be gone but she will never be forgotten here on earth.
Prayers to all that knew Ms. Spring...
April 17, 2019
April 17, 2019
I sincerely prayed that you would change your mind about the plans you had made. There were still substantial reasons to continue on in this life.Still the final decision on one's life is theirs alone. Rest it in the peacefulness of your belief.
April 16, 2019
April 16, 2019
Aunt Spring,
So thankful for the support you have given me and the lessons you've taught me. I learned hardwork and frugality from you. As well as being comfortable being my own person - as you were always you're unique self no matter what. There's no other Spring like you and you are definitely missed! Still can't believe you're gone but happy to know you were at peace when you left.
Cierra
April 12, 2019
April 12, 2019
Spring
you touched do many in heart mind with your spirit energy thoughts and actions
Blessed to have known you
we celebrate your life and light
we will miss you
thanks for leading the way with courage
April 6, 2019
April 6, 2019
Congratulations on a life well lived. Rest well.
April 4, 2019
April 4, 2019
I will miss your generousity, values and determination. Go in peace.
April 4, 2019
April 4, 2019
Spring was a passionate & energetic being. So outgoing. She will be missed.
April 4, 2019
April 4, 2019
Thanks for letting me know here, I wasn't sure how this went. Spring was unique and I was priveleged to share some time and space and love with her near the end of her life. Rest well, my friend, and lets do it again on another round of the wheel.
April 3, 2019
April 3, 2019
Dear Spring R.,
Towards the dark I’ve planted a seed; I hope now, three years later, that a corinicopia awaits you on the rim of that dark. Only you know the details of this journey.
Enjoy your cosmic travels and know that I look forward to chasing you and for you to share all the hidden things, again.
your buddy, Bridget
April 3, 2019
April 3, 2019
So sorry to hear this. I knew Spring since our Oakland East Bay NOW chapter was in full swing in the 90's. She was a wonderful person.
March 29, 2019
March 29, 2019
Goodbye Spring - You are a special soul, and I count myself very lucky to have known you. You are missed.
March 29, 2019
March 29, 2019
Dear Spring. I am grateful to have known you. Peace and blessing be with you.
March 28, 2019
March 28, 2019
hi there , do any of you know how to email Aleia to alert her to my note ?
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Recent Tributes
New
March 22
March 22
Dear Spring, I think of you often, and miss our many trips and time together.
And your brave choices, a model for us all.
Pat
February 15
February 15
Spring,
spider lilies dance in the wind for you.
Reading about your story, I found tears falling from my eyes,
not in sadness for what was,
but tears driven by sublimity.
Your passing is beautiful and good, for you chose for it to be. 
Thank you for your bravery.
Thank you for doing what you believed in and felt called to do.
Thank you for taking a stand for the ones who cannot.
In your death, death for many has been remade.
                                                                שלום אהוב
Pictures of you loving the community around you,
of you young and old,
of you doing the work that you so loved.
I cry for you happy and beautiful tears.
Peace oh beloved.
Peace is what you sought.
Peace is what you found.
Flowers bloom in Spring.
July 24, 2023
July 24, 2023
Oh, dear Spring, You will always be remembered, and so missed. So many times, I think of all you did and how great it was being with you, both in our NY days, and out here. You are missed, kid. (I called her kid sometimes because she was 4 years younger than me).
Her Life

MY REASONS FOR SCHEDULING ASSISTED SUICIDE WITH DIGNITAS

March 13, 2019

I have been surprised that ending my life while still somewhat functional has become one of my main personal and political causes over the past 2.5 years. I have been saying for decades that at some point in the aging process, prior to when my body fully closes down, and while I still have my mental faculties, I will choose not to create another phase of my life.

One reason I am going forward now, is that my physical health keeps slowly spiraling downward with an ever expanding range of problems that began with a serious injury when I was 28 years old. I am tired of the increasing work it takes just to remain barely able to do activities I value. An equally important reason is that my capacity to contribute is vastly diminished now that I have fully retired from being productive professionally, am no longer an active member of a shared household, and in my capacity for political activism.

The cultural presumption is that the best natural death is to die in one’s home, surrounded by loved ones but that’s not the only choice. Nor is it even an option for people like me who are solo agers. Rather than face a long drawn out aging process of unrelenting loss of capability, loss of privacy and dignity, I am actively choosing assisted suicide. Because my German, half Jewish mother, had spent three formative years in Switzerland, she talked to me about suicide as an option for herself. This history with my mother, meant that suicide was not a forbidden topic, but was something that could be discussed.

But then actually doing the deed in a way that avoids legal issues or emotional imposition on others is difficult unless you have a terminal diagnosis (<6 months to live, no hope of recovery).

Proactive dying has become my cause, my project. It is yet another social value that I want to change, by example. This act is deeply appropriate for me as a person, and I believe for many others.

I had two wonderful Celebrations of Life before exiting early by choice by traveling to Switzerland to complete living as a manifested human on this planet, using the services of Dignitas. They allow “weary of life,” as an acceptable reason to choose to die on your own schedule. 21% of the people Dignitas assists have this, not terminal illnesses as their reason for ending their life.

The following is my list of 6 reasons for exiting early by choice:
  5%    1.)  Exchanging meals, food, and socializing with my peers is evaporating.
27%    2.)  To leave $ for people and causes I want to support. 50% people, 50% causes.
21%    3.)  To stop having to limit what I do, due to environmental sensitivities.
27%    4.)   Enough already of dealing with the limitations of a disabled body, exacerbated by the aging process.
15 %   5.) An increasing % of what I want to do electronically and on the web, is a burden or impossible.
 5%    6.)   I might run out of money.
100%

1.)  As a solo ager, with no partner or dependents, my stopping to live will be a loss, but not create a major problem for anyone.
2.)  The main source of my money is having sold the house I lived in. I had saved a little money in an IRA while working as a house remodeler, and I had inherited ½ a million $ from my parents 20 years ago, which we thought would be enough for me to live on for the rest of my life. But before I sold the house I was becoming house rich and cash poor.
3. & 4.)  I know what it takes to live elegantly with a disability, but how I spend my time has tipped downward, in terms of even being able to care for myself, much less contribute to this wonderful world.
5.) The newer methods of communicating are increasingly beyond my capacity.
6.) I feel good when I can contribute money despite having less and less time to support what I believe in. Acting now accomplishes this. Delaying does the opposite.

I dearly hope that you will join Robert, John and others who are planning on offering a workshop at the next Reimagine the end of life in San Francisco Oct. 24-Nov 3, 2019 for a workshop that features a 4 minute video about me titled "The Last Days of Spring".

Index

March 14, 2019

MY REASONS FOR SCHEDULING ASSISTED SUICIDE WITH DIGNITAS
Index
MY REASONS FOR SCHEDULING WHEN I END MY LIFE, AND MY OPTIONS @ HOW
OUR SHARED HOUSE, MY FAMILY, MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS, WORK
MY CHOICES: HERSTORY, CREATING FAMILY/RELATIONSHIPS
Lifestyle Choices in the 1970's & 80's
Adult life Phase I
Adult life Phase II Construction, Business Owner and Teacher, 1980 – 2014
College and Graduate School: Madison and NYC. My First Jobs
Childhood: My Family Heritage
LOTS MORE DETAILS about my life - 1
LOTS MORE DETAILS about my life - 2
LOTS MORE DETAILS about my life - 3

MY REASONS FOR SCHEDULING WHEN I END MY LIFE, AND MY OPTIONS @ HOW

March 13, 2019

I have been surprised that ending my life while still somewhat functional has become one of my main political causes. I have been saying for decades that at some point in the aging process I will choose not to create another phase of my life, prior to when my body fully closes down. One reason is that my physical health keeps slowly spiraling downward with an ever expanding range of problems. An equally important reason is that my capacity to contribute is vastly diminished now that I have fully retired from being productive both professionally, in a shared household, and in my political activism, etc.I had two wonderful Celebrations of Life before Exiting Early by Choice by traveling to Switzerland to complete living as a manifested human on this planet.

At some point it becomes time to end it all. But then actually doing the deed is difficult.
Dying has become my cause, my project. It is yet another social value that I want to change, by example. This act is deeply appropriate for me as a person, and I believe for many others.

The cultural presumption is that the best natural death is to die in one’s home, surrounded by loved ones.  But at some point a few of us decide that it is time to actually choose death in advance of when physical and perhaps mental infirmities slowly remove my choices.

But then actually doing the deed is difficult.
I am sure that I want to end my life now.  It will not be in my home, partly due to the medical system, and partly out of consideration for others. More resources on this are available through the meetings of the meet-up Options in Dying.

I was surprised that when I retired from my work and household responsibilities, for myself, I choose not to start a new life, but to put effort into communicating to other family members in the younger generations, the few items of family history that I knew uniquely, largely from end of life talks with the generation before me. I also was more comfortable with the topic of suicide than most Americans because my German, half Jewish mother, who had spent three formative years in Switzerland, which contributed to her talking about suicide as an option for herself. This ease of talking about suicide meant that once again as I have entered this last phase of my life, I have drawn a conclusion and a plan of action that I believe is ahead of what many others in our USA culture will come to believe and act on. I am an exception in being on old person who chooses to not reinvent myself in a new and diminished form.

The book “Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End,” by Atul Gawande, has been providing me with inspiration for my choice.  It discusses end of life choices about assisted living and the effect of medical procedures on terminally ill people and challenges many traditionally held notions about the role of medicine. The graph on page p. 27 was especially informative for me. It shows how modern medicine provides a pattern of one's physical condition between one's birth and death of repeatedly recovering from physical crisis but with less health, and a lower trajectory, instead of what happened until 200 years ago. Before modern medicine, when one experienced a health crisis one would die quickly, and just a few people were able to live till old age. This article,How to Die Well, According to a Palliative Care Doctor” adds percentages to each path on  graphs similar to those in “Being Mortal”.

On Oct. 16, 2018 I, Spring Friedlander, gave a talk to ‘Death Talks,” on my experience in selecting how to die without a diagnosis of a terminal illness. The California End of Life Option Act (CELOA), physician-assisted dying, only applies in case of a terminal illness. If you are simply ready to die after a life of chronic illness, or in a similar situation, you need an alternative to the Act.

The CELOA went into effect in June 2016 in California,  and about ten other states now have adopted similar acts. Compassion and Choices / Death with Dignity are the organizations that are publicizing / defending this Act and supporting other states to get their version enacted.

At the talk, I discussed two alternatives on how to end one’s life when one does not have a terminal diagnosis:

One alternative is voluntarily refusing food and drink: Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking, (VSED), which is legal in many states. Refusing food and drink at home, VSED, takes time: at least five days for one’s liver and kidneys to fail, which means one is dying; and then another 4 - 5 days to die. Kaiser will provide palliative care at home for the initial period, and then hospice care in the final days. However the transition between palliative and hospice care can be messy. One of the challenges is that Kaiser may send different people at different times, you can't be sure who will show up. Apparently Kaiser has become more supportive of individual people, since I checked with them at the end of December, 2017.

It is good to prepare one's body for VSED by tapering off food and water for 2 - 3 weeks. Then drink only liquid soups (bone broth) and water (down to 8 oz of water / day) for 6-10 days, while taking the amino acid, l-threonine, 200 in the am & pm. In my case I also found two supplements that would keep my sugar levels balanced by taking 6 servings / day of each Collagen Protein- Vite K - 107 with GlycemoVitamin K - 85, both by Apex Energetics. Then one takes the next step, which is to completely stop eating and drinking.

There can be interruptions. People may disagree about your wishes, and you may not have control over your environment because you are dying. So refusing food and drink is simple in concept, but can be complex to execute, especially since you cannot expect to be in control the entire time.  It’s essential to complete Advance Directives before starting this process.

It seems true that the worst outcome to taking your life is failure to complete the process of dying. And without clear responsibility and control, failure is quite possible, even with the best of intentions among everyone present. The chances of success are significantly improved, if there is a team of people who are your advocates, (children, spouse, friends, etc.)

Once I found out about going to Switzerland I choose this path and went through all the steps to apply and be accepted by Dignitas, to end my life. It feels like the right choice for me.   
A second alternative is finding an organization to take responsibility for your death, like Dignitas, in Switzerland. The complexity here is in the initial arrangements and procedures. But once you have completed those, then the actual process is simple: you walk into an apartment in Zurich, Switzerland, you drink a sequence of liquids very similar to what is provided under the CELOA, and within a few minutes you lose consciousness and die. With the help of Dignitas you have complete control over your death, and it is as simple as possible.

Here are some points about Dignitas:

       21% of their clients do not have a terminal illness, but are "weary of life."  Most of their clients are old. The do not service younger people who are suffering from depression. They may service younger people with other types of disabilities.
       Their mailing address is not an actual street address, for privacy
       They require medical opinions from two MDs here in the US, not chiropractors or other health professionals, about your health challenges.
       They did not want me to mention my cancer,  even though I have had melanoma for 15 years, because my cancer was not stage 3 or stage 4 which would indicate one being close to  terminal.
       The web is helpful to learn about Dignitas and their process, but they require original hard-copies of all documents. They will not proceed at any step until they have the originals.
       They are very clear about the information they want submitted. Due to them needing more information on why I am making this choice, it took me submitting and resubmitting three times. Dignitas required signed and certified originals, which I sent by USPS for less the $5 each, and would follow-up by email. I got no evidence that they looked at the electronic version I sent each time.
       They far prefer that when you go to Switzerland you are accompanied by family or friends. (and some airlines offer round trips that are cheaper than one way).
       The complete Dignitas procedure costs money: 300 euros initial fee (about $340), then 3,000 euros ($3,500) for two doctors in Switzerland, and about $11,000 total, not including airfare. They recommended that I pay through TransferWise.  TransferWise requires a physical street address, not a PO Box. Dignitas did provide a street address with about a 10 day delay. If I do not complete the process with them, I get a refund of all but my annual membership in Dignitas, $300, and about $2,000 for their handling the administrative process of accepting my application
       The result is clear control, responsibility and legality of a defined process for your death, which seems only possible if an organization like Dignitas takes responsibility. They assert that Switzerland is the only country where foreigners are allowed to be helped to end their life.

It is unclear to me how long their process takes if everything goes smoothly for completion, but in my case I began in January 2018, and I got my final paperwork accepted in the middle of February 2019. I got delayed because;
they added the requirement that one of my Doctor’s letters needed to be from a psychologist,
and I had to go through extra steps to get my birth certificate to match the name I changed to in the 1970's.

Also after my third round of signed letters from doctors were not accepted, I realized I needed to have them review the letters prior to getting them signed. First they had wanted more details about my medical prognosis and then they wanted briefer letters. They required that I focus on objective physical limitations, not fears of my future deterioration. Then the letters were older then 4 months so I had to get current letters. I recommend that anyone going through their process have them review the letters prior to going to get one's doctor to sign it and put it on his letter head. My last round of 2 MD letters involved me sending them draft letters, getting their feedback on how to change the letters to meet their standard, and then talking with them on the phone to get permission to not include some of the language about assisted suicide they recommended. So on round 4, I was able to get them two current MD letters, one from a psychologist, that met their standards. My other communication with them was by email and USPS air mail.

21% of the people they service have this, not terminal illnesses as their reason for ending their life.
I plan to “exit early by choice,” earlier than when my body wears out more, because of not wanting to live/suffer through much more of being older/old. I choose to be in charge till the end of my life now that “enough is enough.” My feeling is that my life is complete as reflected by my conclusion that “My life has been a good run.” I am unusual because I have chosen to take responsibility for the timing of my death.

The following is my list of 6 reasons for exiting early by choice:
 5%    1.)  Exchanging meals, food, and socializing with my peers is evaporating.
27%    2.)  To leave $ for people and causes I want to support. 50% people, 50% causes.
21%    3.)  To stop having to limit what I do, due to environmental sensitivities.
27%    4.)   Enough already of dealing with the limitations of a disabled body, exacerbated by the aging process.
15 %   5.) An increasing % of what I want to do electronically and on the web, is a burden or impossible.
 5%    6.)   I might run out of money.
100%

1.)  As a solo ager, with no partner or dependents, my stopping to live will be a loss, but not create a major problem for anyone.
2.)  The main source of my money is having sold the house I lived in. I had saved a little money in an IRA while working as a house remodeler, and I had inherited ½ a million $ from my parents 20 years ago, which we thought would be enough for me to live on for the rest of my life. But before I sold the house I was becoming house rich and cash poor.
3. & 4.)  I know what it takes to live elegantly with a disability, but how I spend my time has tipped downward, in terms of even being able to care for myself, much less contribute to this wonderful world.
5.) The newer methods of communicating are increasingly beyond my capacity.
6.) I feel good when I can contribute money despite having less and less time to support what I believe in. Acting now accomplishes this. Delaying does the opposite.

I am putting some time and energy into documenting my end of life, as well as the earlier phases of my life when I was at the cutting edge of a series of cultural and political shifts. I plan to get this up on www.forevermissed.com refer to it on FaceBook and have a video made about it.

Twenty one percent of the people that Dignitas provides end of live services for are categorized as “Weary of life.” This is what I wrote as my own version of being “weary of life”. “My life is not working for me. I have put a lot of effort into making my life work, but the results are no longer enough to persuade me to go on. I just do not have it in me to keep retrying old strategies or trying additional new strategies. I am clear that my choice is to end my life at this time.“
I will check, but I believe that if this is one’s reason for getting their help then they require that one of your MD letters be from a Psychiatrist.

Recent stories

Re Switzerland

August 7, 2021
by Laura X
 hello, I heard about something called the Death Cafe where people talk about anything death-related and it is somewhat run as a 12 step meeting.. no cross-talk. in any case, my friend, who attended some of the meetings, said that someone in the meeting said that the place in Switzerland is no more because they were sued. another person said it costs 20,000 because they were sued.

I would appreciate knowing what's up.. a  Spring sat me down to tell me her plans and I thought of many people who could use this info.. Please contact me off this site, if necessary.. by emailing me at laurax@4lx.org  thanks mucho,Laura. and ps sorry for your loss of Spring and mine too.. Best  of health to all, Laura
July 25, 2021
Seeing the photos of Spring and me walking in the woods so reminds me of our so many trips to Strauss family farm.  

You are so missed, dear Spring, aka Ruth from our much earlier days.

7/25/21

Dear Spring,
Thinking of you on your recent birthday:  You were so brave, so ahead of our times in making the decision that you did.  But then you were always ahead of your time, in your career, in who you were, and how you lived your life.  You will always be remembered; you are so missed - and you always will be.
March 22, 2020
I first met Ruthy (long long before she was Spring) when she was 9 a nd I was 15.  Her parents .... Ben andEva brought her to the moadon (meeting place) where our youth group welcomed children starting at age 10.  But her parents said she was tall and very smart for her age.    That was true!  And we continued to know one another for the next few years within that group (HaShomer HaTZair).   And it was so nice to keep in touch over tthe years when we both were adults, and the age difference didn´t matter at all.
MAny years later, I moved to Esalen Institute, and it was easy for me to get to Berkeley and stay at that wonderful communal household.  
Since then, I´ve lived in Antigua Guatemala, and didn´t hear from her from until the note telling me of her plans to  go to Switzerland to end her life.   A difficult and noble decision!

I will ALWAYS remember her, lovingly!

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