- 45 years old
- Date of birth: Jun 6, 1966
- Place of birth:
- Date of passing: May 15, 2012
- Place of passing:
Harker Heights, Texas, United States
|"No farewell words were spoken, No time to say good-bye, You were gone before we knew it, And only God knows why"|
"LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY, BUT STILL CAN'T AND WON'T CRY. HUG DADDY FOR ME AND HAVE HIM HUG YOU BACK FOR ME."
"i didn't know the grown up Steffie, but I knew the beautiful little child. I spent many hours/days at your house when you lived up on Hamlin hill in Northridge. Such great memories. Hold your memories close and know you will see her again one day. She is preparing the way along with your father. Love to you all. Sandy"
As I sit here with the tears falling so freely down my face, I am looking at pictures from your past. The past you flew off with. The smiles and the laughs, the eye rolls and the bus rides from Germany to Holland. Having to trade weekends of doing dishes when I would go to Lord knows where on the week-ends.
I'm not over you and I never will be. Do I still cry at night. Indeed I do. I laugh again. I take the help that is offered to me now. Yes, I still cuss at your and fight with my emotions and this love/hate relationship I still struggle with. Jim said to me that you weren't being punished by leaving Garry and the rest of your family, you were rewarded. I think we all could have had to stay longer. I would have traded with you. I know you and I know you would say "no Tee, let me go first. You have kids" Why did you go when you a much kinder and more thoughtful person than most of us humans.
I still struggle every day Steffie-Gump. Late at night, like now when no one can hear my sobs, I struggle. You would be proud of me, I just used my shirt for a snot rag. Hold on to something, the other day I belched (yes, it's true) and I said "that is for you Steff" I found one half an ounce that Carmen and Wendi left for me.
I still feel the panic I did having to turn my back on you and walk away. I never did that to you before. Especially when something scared you. Like having you wait in the hall at all the new schools so I could help you find your next class. Or the time I found you lost and roaming in the wrong wing for the wrong country. We sat down and leaned back and had a good laugh about that one. Or you and your damn white pearl eye shadow I made you wash off and used my make up to teach you to do yours. It was only a band class we missed and Ricci didn't care. So many things I've forgotten and use to rely on you for. My memory is shit now so I really need you. No one else remembers Zoom and the
fan-dabby-dozey. No one gets it.
Yep baby sissy, I would take you back. There are only 4 of us now, so incomplete sometimes. You'd be happy to know that every year since Daddy passed, Feltenberger goes into some bar and buys a round, for the whole place. Every birthday and the day he passed he toasts "Daddy Becker". It's a week-end, but maybe I will call him and we can have drinks together over the phone. Donte Munlap talks about you. I think most people don't know what to say. It doesn't help.
I'm trying Gumpy, and I am getting better, but I don't know if there will be a day when I'm ok with you being gone. I know you're up there with family members who've gone on ahead. I can't find a way to end this, cause I just wanted to talk with you more. I miss you on turkey day, on Christmas, days in between. Every day before and after. I talk to Sister who has helped me so much. (she said "that woman (you) was a force to be reckoned with" Got a good laugh with that.
Ok, I will stop now. Just know that we all still think of you, each and everyday. You're not someone anyone will forget and no one here on earth will ever, ever stop loving you. Ever baby sissy, ever."
"My baby sissy. Today is your 49th birthday. This morning I woke up singing "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too". You would sing it to my on my birthday and I would sing it to you. I hope you heard me.
I wish I could tell you that I've let you go, but the reality is I haven't. I know you are gone. I've visited your grave. Every night before I go to sleep, I picture myself turning away from your casket and having my knees buckle. Jim and Tracy and the funeral director held me up so I could leave you there. That was the first time in my life, ever, that I turned my back on you. I left you there, just like you left me here. I know it was not your choice. That decision God made for you. I feel like he punished all the rest of us by taking you.
I miss you. I have every day that you've been gone. Every.Single.Day.
You spent 20 years married to your one and only true love. But you've gone and we've all tried to move on. Garry found himself an old/new love. He was lost in such darkness after you left. So he found a wonderful woman who brought him out of that darkness and gave him back the sunshine and laughter he had lost. I would like to thank her for that. I've never met her, I tried reaching out to her but I guess she doesn't want to. At least when I say my prayers I tell her thank you. (And pray nothing happens to her, cause that would probably be it for Garry).
Happy Birthday in Heaven Gump. I would hug you but I'm sure those angel wings would make it difficult. I have on my phone your picture and the recording of you saying. "I love ya, bye". Of course I am sitting here crying. Still for the life you didn't get to live. That yours was so short (in my opinion).
I love you Steffie Gump. Always and Forever. I miss you baby sissy. So very much."
"Garry has gone to Afghanistan. I pray for his safety each night.
What really troubles me now is that you are alone there. I know you really aren't there, but that is the place where I turned away from you. Life is moving on I guess. I went to Spokane for Hoopfest for the first time in many years. As we got closer I felt such a sense of panic and started to cry. I told Ron I didn't want to go there because of the memories. You walking us through the sky walks. Us feeding the ducks.
It's not that I want to leave you, I just want this pain inside to stop. Just stop. I just need a few days without the sorrow in my heart. But God doesn't hear my pleas it seems. Let me have a few days where the thoughts of you make me smile, or feel any thing other than sadness. When will this end because I'm sick of it and I'm so tired Steff. So very tired."
"Changed the song. Toby Keith "I'm cryin for me". I cried at first because God took you away. No one ever thought you'd leave us like you did. I cried at first for Garry. For Mom. For all the people that loved you. I feel like you were robbed. We were robbed. I thought there'd be more time with you.
But now, being honest I cry mostly for me. You took my past with you. You aren't there for me to say "hey, remember how scared you were to walk into the band room the first time?" Nope, that's gone. No one to talk to about how big AFCENT was and all the different wings. No one who shares all those memories that we had. No one to remember how pissed Daddy was when we forgot our passports and they held us at the border until Daddy drove them up to us. You use to play jacks with me. We teeter-tottered together. I can see the swing set in Dayton. The swing where we sat facing each other. No one else has those memories.
I'm not mad any more. I was mad. Very mad. Why didn't you fight harder? But I know now that you did your best. You always said "when it's your time to go, it's your time and nothing you do will change it". Jim and Tracy have helped me so much. Even Sister has spent time on the phone with me. I had to laugh when she said "Oh heavens, that woman was a force to be reckon'ed with".
So now when the hot tears pour out of my eyes late at night, they are for me! Selfish? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Would you be pissed? Yes. And I know I am letting you down. I know what I have to do. Wendi says it's time. She says I have to let you go. I'm making a special birthday video for you for tomorrow. I have to let you go. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking of you. I will carry you with me. I will try harder."
"It is almost your birthday. Another year I could have teased you. I've been dreaming about you. The other night I had to take double the Xanax just to sleep without you in my head. Not that I don't want you to visit me, just don't like the message.
Life is going on without you. Momma is in CA now. She sold the house. She remembers how you jumped up and down when you found out they were going to live in TX, not far from you. We have Mervin (please locate Claudette, she was upset by your passing. Daddy, Sammy, you and Claudette. I include Sammy cause we all loved him as well. Ron and I are getting close to our 29th anniversary. Summer is here, this year we have a giant air conditioner so it won't be like sitting in an oven. Garry has found someone to love, he was so damaged by your death. At first I was so hurt that he found someone. But I recalled a conversation you and I had after daddy passed and I tried to look at it from a different angle. I so want him to be happy but I was pissed. Then I realized, I wasn't pissed at him, I was pissed cause you weren't here and we all hurt and suffer because you're gone. I've got several friends who have had hard losses and I've been doing my best to support them when they are drowning in their sorrow. Yet I sit in solitude with my own. I struggle with the pain of knowing that you didn't get enough time. My health is so much worse then you. You were perfectly healthy except for what killed you. So why you? Why not me? Everyone would have known that I had lupus, so we could chalk it up to that. It would have been so much easier for everyone to accept. I feel like I need to live for you, feel what you would be feeling. Why am I here and you are not? It should have been me. I would gladly take your place and give you back to Garry and momma and Carmen and Wendi and Janet and Hae Bun and Dr. Madeline. I miss you Gump."
"Doing your hair and makeup after you passed did not bother me.
But I am haunted and tortured by the memory of the last time I saw you alive. You took me to the airport and argued with the lady at the counter because of the baggage charges. We had to take stuff out of my suitcase because it was too heavy. You walked me to the gate and stood there waving. Then you left. I sat down then got back up to get a coke and there you were. Standing right outside the gate, waving and crying. I told them I was going back out and they said ok. I came back out and hugged you. We just stood there. I could feel you crying. You hadn't done that before and I didn't understand it. I made some stupid joke and you laughed. So off I went through security again. Turned and there you still were, crying so hard I could see your body shaking. Doing your wave. So I came back out again. And again. It took 5 times before you finally left. All I can see is your face and you crying. That memory hasn't been replaced, even though I worked on you after you died.
Did you know that would be the last time? You never did that before. 5 times I had to come back out. I'd never seen you like that. Why can't I get that picture of you crying and waving out of my head? I think maybe if that was gone, maybe then I could move on. I look at your picture and try to think of you another way but it doesn't work. I want that damn picture out of my head."
"Couldn't leave a message yesterday, although I talked to you. Tracy and Mom pretty much said it all. I can't say much more than my heart feels nothing any more since that terrible day 2 years ago. I miss you Steffie. I love you so much. Life......painful. Death......I hope for you and Dad it is peaceful. I miss you."
I am sitting here reading the tributes that everyone has written and although they are beautiful, they don't even begin to let the world know what a truly special person you were. I am trying to celebrate your life instead of mourning, but my emotions get all jumbled up and I'm not really sure what I am feeling, other than the loss of my baby girl and the close friendship we shared. We saw each other almost every day and the days we weren't together we talked on the telephone, I grieve for the abrupt end to that friendship, and your loss of not being able to live a long, happy life. I know life isn't fair, but this just seems and feels cruel. I carry you in my heart and a day never goes by that I don't think of and miss Daddy and you. I love you both and look forward to the time I will see you both again. Just remember how much you both were loved and are missed. God called you home early because of the kind, loving person you were. I honestly have never met a kinder, more thoughtful person in my life. You were special and I thank God for letting us have you for 45 years. Yes, we wanted and needed more, but God knows what He is doing even though we don't understand or agree. I love you with the love of a mother for her child, and that is the strongest love there is."
"6:33 a.m. ~ The first phone call saying there was something wrong.
43 minutes~ I spent on my knees praying.
7:16 a.m. ~ The call saying you were gone. Huh? Momma had to repeat it to me 3 times.
6hrs and 30 mins. ~ How long it took me to fly from my home to mommas.
1,440 minutes in a day. May not seem like many, it really is because I feel your loss every single one of them.
730 nights I have gone to bed and shed tears because you're gone.
1,051,200 minutes this world has been without you. I can guarantee that you have been thought of and missed by someone, probably multiple someone’s.
Endless tears have been shed since you've gone. 730 days is not enough to understand it. To believe it, to accept it. I know you're gone and gone forever. Yet still I wish there was some way I could bring you back to all of us who love you. Not one of us misses you more than the other, no one hurts worse than the other. We all lost. Family, friends, strangers who you would have helped.
I've stopped talking about you to others. I got tired of hearing how I should be..."should be farther down the road of grief", "let her go”, and “move on". I can only do what my heart dictates. I've prayed for peace, I've prayed to be able to not cry. My heart is still weeping Gump, my soul is still shattered, the edges too rough to fit back together. I put Sissy's song on here. I know that's what you're telling me "don't worry bout me". I'm not worried about you. I just am not yet at peace. I will continue to try. I am alive, I am laughing. I am just no whole, no comfort has healed my heart, no peace yet in my soul. I will just keep trying every day. After I say my prayers, the last thing I whisper is "I'll try harder tomorrow"."
"Gump, it isn't getting easier. I didn't get to call you and say "stop making me old" and hear you say "make me". I guess those days are over. I hope you know how deeply you are missed by so many. I thank you every day in my heart for the laughs we shared. Ronald told me it's ok to cry for you. As Toby Keith said "I'm not cryin cause I feel so sorry for you, I'm cryin' for me" I love you"
"I hope you are looking down on us - happy, laughing like you always did, and knowing that your light, wisdom and love is missed by us all..."
"2) heart it would be better. I stay in touch with Gay-ray, he is struggling daily without you. All those talks we had about husbands, you should know that he loved and loves you so much. We all miss you and I play the recording of your voice from your phone when I really cant stand it and need to be close to you. I love you Gumpy, Happy Birthday with Dad and hug each other for me. LUM"
"1) Today my beautiful baby sister would have been your 46th birthday. How I wish you were here to celebrate and hear me sing in my terrible (but loving) voice. My heart exploded in my chest when I heard JP say "she passed away". But that has been a good thing cause I haven't felt anything in a year. Now if my mind would catch my"
"3/3 live each day in your memory and as I believe that you would want. I pray for the day that everyone who loved you so much will come to the same conclusion. I know that my days here are numbered and I don't want to spend them in such pain. You will always be my baby and I will love you and your sisters until my dying breath and beyond. Hug Daddy until I can. I love you both forever."
"2/3 nor do I believe that is what you would want for anyone in our family. This last year almost shattered my soul. My heart ached with physical pain. When I finally truly accepted that you were never coming back I finally realized that by grieving for you was the only Thing I truly had in my life and by letting go I wasn't forgetting you or abandoning you from my life. Now I will try to"
"1/1 Steffie, I didn't believe that the pain and ache in my heart would ever lessen. let alone Almost go away. The night before the date of your passing, I did some VERY HARD praying. I came to realize that nothing I can do will change your death. I will forever hold you in my heart, but I cannot live with, nor do I want to live the rest of mu life in pain over what I cannot change."
"Hardly a day goes by when I do not think of the value that Steffanie added to my life as a co-worker and most of all as a friend. A more dependable and supportive person could not be found in this world. I look forward to seeing her again when we all gather in the presence of the Saints in our heavenly home with our LORD. Jude:24-25"
"You are gone and there's nothing I can do about it.
You're just gone.
"In days time you will have been gone from us a year, a year that never should have been. I am ever grateful God put me on the same path as you for the time we had. It is one of the great blessings bestowed upon me to have been friends with you. I love and miss you. ~Marie"
"As one year approaches, it still feels like the day you left. I have tried, my heart refueses to feel anything, but my mind won't give me peace. I know you didn't plan or even want to leave, but I miss you sooo much that life is a chore trying to hold it together because I know that is what you would want. I just want you to know I love you. And miss you beyond words. LUM"
"Steffie, we are all trying to ignore the fact that next Wednesday you will have been gone from this earth for a year. A year filled with grief, sorrow and disbelief. I still have to stop myself from picking up the phone to ask you about something that I know you will remember. You gave us all so much love and that love is hard to live without. My baby girl you. are still in my heart."
"My silent has been in reverence to my tremendous grief and the immeasurable lost of this kind-hearted, wonderful and devoted wife. Steffanie, Honey you are missed with every fiber of my being. My heart and soul has been aching with the emptiness left by God calling you home. I love you and miss you Steff. Love, Garry"
"I know what you would want me to do; carry on and live each day. But I can't yet. Oh, I'm alive, I eat and sleep when I can. But for most of the day I think and think. I know you are probably disappointed in me, and I'm sorry about that. I try each day but I fail. Like I failed you. I know you have forgiven me. I need to try to forgive myself. Yeah, right"
"I sit here listening to the rain on the roof, alone and desperate. I know you're with Daddy, but I want you here still. I want so badly to hear my phone ring and see "Steff" on the caller ID. I wanna hear you say "hey Tee, what cha doin". I want this hole in my heart to be filled by the sound of your voice. You left me here. YOU LEFT ME HERE"
"Someone I know has an opportunity to fight for her life and she isn't. Not because she doesn't want to live, but for reasons I think are ridiculous. It pisses me off. If you had a chance, no matter how small, you would have fought for yours. You did fight for more minutes than medically you should have been able to. You didn't have a chance and I'm pissed about that. I miss you Gumpy."
"I changed your song to "I hope you dance" cause in the pieces of my heart that are left I think that is what you would want. But I can't. I feel bad when I smile. I feel bad when I look over at Ron. I feel bad sometimes when I take a deep breath. I can't do what I know you would want. I can't even stand to be in my kitchen. It should have been me."
"I miss you."
"My dearest Stephanie
Coming to this site has been hard. Each time I do, I see your pictures, hear the music and each time I have to leave. Staying here means I have to acknowledge something I just don’t want to face, believe in, or accept in any way. My words fail me and only tears come for each visit I make, so then I leave again with no words spoken of how much I miss and love you my old frie"
"Tonight I feel really sad for the life that you and Garry wont get to have. You got robbed and that upsets me. I cant sleep again. I wish I could have been there for you that morning. I want to smash something so bad. I miss you so bad. It hurts."
"My tears are so hot, yet so silent as they fall from my eyes late at night when I can't escape the panic I feel. I can usually find a way to distract myself during the day, but in silence of night, your loss screams at me. I have to flip a switch and refuse the pain because it's an edge that once I step over, I won't be able to come back. I love you and miss you with my whole being. </3,/3"
"Today I actually felt like I have lost my mind, that really, you can't be gone from us. I will never hear you say "hey Tee" or read an email that you sent cause someone posted something funny on Craigslist. How can this really be??? I know you are gone, but I have these moments where I am in disbelief. One more day. I wish I had one more day to tell you what I need to say."
"Today I did something for you. We stopped at a lake to take pictures and I slid down a hill on my booty and stepped out onto a rock that was hanging over the water. I made a memory, as you would say. I am taking time to stop and do something that I normally wouldn't. I am trying to honor you. If you count my tears, you will see how broken I am. I love you. New song. You would have liked it"
"The dark and stillness of the night is horrible. This isn't getting any easier. Went to Pa Pa's and even surrounded by many people I felt so alone. Every second that ticks on this clock seems like an hour. No emails from you; no calls. No hearing you say "hey Tee, how are you today?" Nothing seems to dull the pain. I would trade places with you. i love you that much."
It just finally struck me that pictures are all we will have from now on. I am so thankful that we have the pictures and beautiful memories, but right now the grief is so overwhelming that nothing can bring any relief or joy. Perhaps, just perhaps, when we find out why you were so suddenly snatched from our lives we can find closure"
"One month ago today you left us and our hearts were broken. I wish we knew why. I'm still here helping momma and we do what we can for Garry Earl. We lost a sister, mom lost a daughter, but he lost his wife and best friend. My sorrow is so overwhelming I can't even think what his is like. What we wouldn't all give to have you back with us and hear your laugh and give you a hug. I love you!"
"Hope tonight isn't as bad as last night. Remember how after daddy died you would sit up and watch the western channel and eat chips? Just so you felt closer to him. I want to sit on your swing and feed the deer. Just to be closer to you. The weight of the sadness inside is so heavy. I am wearing your jammies. They are pink. I hate pink, but I love you, so pink it is. I want you back."
"I played "our" song, you know "dueling banjos" and I cried and cried and laughed. I can't remember what started us doing that in the first place. I feel robbed that I only got 45 years with you. Mad that I assumed there would be more. Standing beside your grave today, I realized how stupid and wrong that was. If I could only turn back the hands of time...sorry Gump"
"Happy Birthday to my Gemini twin, eight years apart. Carmen says that you don't have to eat a German prune/plum cake today. But I would gladly eat it if you could be here. My ONLY comfort is knowing that you are no longer tired all the time and the headaches have stopped. Hug Dad tight for me today and know I love and MISS you forever. LUM"
Tomorrow, which is just a few minutes away, will be hard to face, but I am going to try and remember the joy of holding you in my arms for the first time. You were so small, so perfect that it brought tears to my eyes. Now the tears are in my heart forever. We were so blessed to have you in our lives. I love you forever. Mama"
"I get up everyday and do what I have to do. Everyone is going thru their day when BAM out of nowhere it hits me that you are gone. I consider myself a somewhat intelligent person and yet I cant get my mind and heart to accept that this is real and not a horrible dream. I feel that same awful feeling well up in my chest and the tears come."
"I changed the song to "Angels Among Us" because EVERYONE has told us over and over and over how you were an angel on earth. Daddy, Momma, Carmen, Wendi and I have always known that. Even we were amazed by how many people's lives have been made better for knowing you. Through your viewing and funeral we shook hands or were hugged by HUNDREDS of people who you've helped. An amazing angel. <3"
"such a personable young lady, a hard loss to take. May God lift
all of you and carry you over these troubled waters into His land
of Peace for Families.
"Today I am taking momma to get her shot in her knee. Something you use to do. I am trying to do all the things you use to do for momma but although we wear the same size shoe, yours are hard to fill. Woke up in tears cause I miss you so much. Have a feeling of panic inside, it's hitting me hard today. This sadness is so heavy. I miss you Gump."
"To my loving Seester, Ms. Bunny and the rest of the family...may your hearts forever be filled with all the wonderful memories and laughter Step brought to you. May your life and dreams be remembered with her spirit and all the joy she held. I wish so much to be there with you Seester for I know what a deep burden this is for you and your family. I love and miss you"
"Two weeks ago my whole life changed. What I wouldn't give for that "One more day" to sit and laugh with you, share a meal, read an email from you about a silly post on Craigslist. I wouldn't even know where to start to tell you how much you mean to me. I can't do it now. I hope you can hear my heart...."
I am so sorry that we never had a chance to really know each other.But there will still be a void where you were always in my thoughts. It will be another long mourning period for me as well as those who were closer to you than I. My heart goes out to all the ones left behind. All my love, your cousin."
"My darling baby daughter; no words can describe the agony of losing you. My mind refuses to accept that this real. How is a mother who loves you so much accept that the new grave at the cemetery is now your eternal place to rest? Garry and I held hands as we tried to face what they tell us is reality. The only comfort I can find is that you are no longer in pain. I love and miss you. Mama"
"There are times when accepting the reality of life, that includes death is just too much to deal with. My only comfort is that you are with the Father and your Daddy. While you are missed here, I hope that you are at peace. I wish you had taken better care of yourself as much as you did others, but whats done is done. I will love and miss you always."
"To Tracy and Ron and all of your Family, I am deeply sorry for your lost. My God Bless you all.
This is a great trtibute to your Sister, nice pictures.
My head knows you have left this world but yet I still look out the window for you. I wait for you to walk through the door in your pink sweater, flipping your hair behind your shoulders. I so desperately want you back. Your loss has shattered my soul. I love you."
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