Steff.... it's 3:40 a.m. I'm crying. I'm mad. You have Momma and I want her back. It's not fair that you have daddy and her. You are the only sister that knows what or brother looks like. I miss all of you. I'm not done feeling the loss of you or Daddy and Momma's loss is still fresh. I'm tired of losing people. Tall is up there. Jim is up there. I don't think you ever got to meet Merv, but mom can introduce you. I'm tired of feeling the weight of death. It follows me around like poor Lunus on Charlie Brown. I miss you. It's so lonely without you still. 

Can you tell momma to visit me. Can you make sure that Richard is OK. Watch over him closely please. Hug the ones I love please.

I love you Gumpy. So much.

I miss you so much Gump. It's been years since my phone rang that morning at 6:36 to tell me you had left us to be with God. My chest stills gets tight when I think of that. Throwing clothes in a suitcase (which turned out to be all dirty with no socks or under britches). Seeing Carmen sitting and crying in Houston. They put the two of us on the plane first and let us just sit there. When we got to Killeen, Alana had left us a car.

Please come back just ran through my heart. I know it's pointless, you will never come back to me. I've been without a side kick since you left. What I wouldn't do just to put us both on the bus with our 2 fingered driver again. I would probably have not lived in the dorm because that was time we were apart. I would have ridden home on the bus with you every damn day. The hurt isn't going away. The tears still fall. My heart aches for you baby sissy. I think of you every day. What was it like to hold our brother the first time? Was Daddy just standing somewhere waiting for you? Do you miss us? Since momma left us this year, there's just 3 of us left down here. Do you miss us Steff? We try really hard. Did you see me do CPR on Momma? I'm crying so hard right now. I'm not crying for you, I'm crying for me. I miss you guys. You were the one that held my secrets, saving me from getting in trouble all the time. I hope you're resting high on that mountain with momma and daddy. I love you. My soul misses you, it physically hurts baby sissy. I love and miss you. Take care of the part that's up there with you. We're trying down here.

Right now, this minute I am pissed. You have Dad and Mom. That's not fair. I know mom missed you beyond words, but not fair. I don't have you. I don't have dad. I don't have mom. You have almost everyone. I have Carmen and Wendi, but no one who loves me no. Matter. What. 

Not fair Steff. Could you addy least hug them for me? And Tal.

Mis mis. Again. Without you. I talked to Howard about you. I spoke your name whenever I could. I sat up at night in the dark and watched the tree. Wondering what would be happening in your life. The ache in my heart for you is still strong. I only hear you on the short blip, "love ya, bye". Have you found Tal yet? Tell him to check his texts. I really miss you, everyday. But on Christmas night, I missed you a little harder and longer. I hope you can see Semari. She freaked me out years ago. She said you were ok up there. I was too freaked out to take that and feel good about it. I hope it's true. I needed your help again. I asked God, but it can't hurt to ask you, and can you ask daddy to help Richard? He's in the hospital again. But it's worse this time, his heart is weird. I am not strong enough to lose my son. I missed you so bad I almost lost me. I'm terrified. I can't lose my child. Help if you can. 

I miss you so much. I wonder if your hair would be totally grey. Mine is looking like yours. I love you Steffie Gump. It hasn't changed at all. I love you Gumpie, with every breath.

9 years? How? Why is the hurt still the same? I don't hide my tears. I am allowed to have my feelings and I don't care. So yup. I still cry. Was looking at your pictures this morning. Listening to the playlist that I made for you almost 12 years ago. I just can't let you go. My heart feels like it is black inside. Daddy. You. Claudette. Eugene. Merv. I would live it if you could find Merv for me. I loved all of you, but Merv was super special. I think you would have been special ro Merv. He could tell the good ones without talking.

Just talked to momma. She misses you shop dearly. We talk about you all the time. How much we miss you.

I think about you every single day Gump. I miss you every minute. My heart still cries for you. I love you.

Fandabeedosie

Another birthday in heaven. I am happy for you, but mad cause down here, we're lonely without you. I am texting with Monte. We miss you. 

I wish this hurt would end tomorrow, when it's no longer your birthday, but it won't. I've learned that it I just have to go with it.

I love you Gump. There won't ever be a day that I don't love you and miss you.

Happy birthday Gumpy.

Hey sissy,

Ugh. I am already afraid of what's coming in 11 days. It seems ther older I am getting, I realize how young you were when you died. I wonder if your hair would be all grey now
Would you still be driving the caddie?
Would you have another doggie took play with Sadie? Would you come visit me? Do the deer still come looking for you? 

Do you miss us? Do you see us when we're all together? I have a unique tree with delicate pink flowers that I call the Steffie. My kind of tribute to you since I am not a fan of pink. I am when I see it and smile. Ron bought it, I am sure he probably thought of you and how much I would liked it. 

I miss you. I love you. You live in my heart still. Everyone thinks I have leery you go, but I haven't. The only way I still ihss if you treat yourself away from me. Or you tell me to let you go. You haven't done that yet. I think you stay with me because you know that I am not strong enough yet. 

A friend asked me the other day about you planning. I couldn't. I just sat there not saying anything.

My heart still cries for you baby sissy. I do. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sometimes I smile and laugh over things that only you would understand. But I laugh everyone I think of that sign agt ther funeral home. "No food PD drink allowed". We're in a funeral home smf they are worried about food and drinks....

Dear Steff it has been seven years of forever. You are solely missed daily. But I thank God I was allowed the privilege and honor to call you my Wife. Steff, you were truly described in Proverbs 31. 
Love Garry

It is in the dark silence of the night
When I think I hear you cry
For the things you didn't get to do
While you lived here among us
You left so early
No one saw you go
I pray you were escorted by the angels
Daddy standing there with arms wide
I panic at the thought of those last minutes
And the panic you felt
Just you and Sadie
I wonder if you knew we were all begging Jesus
That it would be a quick fix for what
Knocked you off your feet
When my phone rang
I asked "how is she"
Only to be told that you were no more
You were on your way up there
Each of us now knows an unbearable grief
That is not lessened by the passing of time
When I think back at all the growing up
We did together
I would give anything and everything
If we could do it again
I have said many times
That you took my past with you
Up there in the clouds do you have those memories?
On May 15th do you realize that it is the day you left?
On June 6th do you realize how many years old you are?
On our birthdays, do you know it's our birthday?
Would you come back if you could?
Even if it meant you had to give up
The beauty we're told you live in
Do you feel the pain we feel because you're gone
Because it hasn't left any of us
My sorrow is held in
By my skin, it's stuck in there
Even screams don't let it out
And I've tried Gump
And I've tried hard
But once again
I realize that
In the dark silence of the night
It's never you crying
It's me

Happy 52nd baby sissy. I sang happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too. My heart is hurt, still. So many things have happened since you left us. I hope it's true, that there is no sadness in heaven. I wanna ask that if you see God, could you please ask him to work a miracle for Richard? He needs one desperately. Maybe you and Daddy could ask him every time you see him. It's not good Gump. God has worked miracles for little Mikey. He's done great work for him. I just need a little for Richard too.
I think you would be amazed that after 6 years, I still have moments when I can't believe you are gone. Seriously, still. It hits me and I'm like wait, did she really die? Even after 6 years. I hope daddy hears us when we say "thank you Daddy". So many of the things he has taught us we still use today. Or, we look up and say "ok Daddy, need your help here". I think of you and hope that you have no more headaches. No more worries. I hope you are looking down and thinking it's all gonna be ok with Richard and that I'm wasting time feeling terrified. I am trying to be so strong for him, but inside the panic and fear is overwhelming. I would be talking to you about this and you would tell me pray and let go and let God handle it.
Do you stay the age you were when you died? Do you get older or is it just that we keep track so we know how long we've been on earth? Do babies stay babies? Is there day and night, or just day or night?
I've gotten through the days that have become years. I found a star/planet that I think is you and daddy. I talk to you at night. I don't know if you hear me. I sing Sissy's song. If you can't hear me, that may be a blessing for you lol. There are 2 lines from 2 songs that I repeat to myself when I need to. One from your memorial song: "I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown" and Sissy's song, "she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting and I know she's smiling saying DON'T WORRY BOUT ME".
I miss your voice. I miss the way you would laugh at one of our stoooopid memories like the 2 finger bus driver. No one else knows how freakin hysterical that is. So many things I miss about you. So many things you know about me that no one else does. So many things I know about you. I've kept your secrets, I told you I would and I protect them in my pea brain all this time and I will forever.
I am going now, or I will just keep talking and I know how you feel about words. Gonna go read our emails. I only do it once a year, on your birthday. So here I go. I love you Gumpy. Love you yesterday, today and tomorrow. <3

My heart is heavy today. Again/Still. I have things I need to talk to you about. Things that I would only share with my baby sissy, but you're gone. I found a star in the sky, it's the brightest one. Ronald says I'm retarded because it's a planet, I said that's ok cause your heart was as big as a damn planet anyway. So at night, I sit out there in my folding chair and I talk to you. I talked to you last night until 5 a.m. this morning. I listen hard, but you don't talk back. So I listen instead to my heart and know what you would tell me. Although sometimes, you came up with some shit I never would have guessed you'd say. I see us in the caddie one day, coming home from Temple and you taking the last drink out of a cup and tossing it in the back seat. I am really hoping I start to see the funny stuff more and that it will drown out the memory of the last time I saw you. At the airport and you cried so hard and for so long. I wish you could see my new house cause I know how excited you would be for me and I wish I could hear your voice tell me that.
Jim helped me re-dedicate my life to Jesus. You would have laughed cause we did it over the phone. I felt like I should have been spraying water on myself instead of being dunked in a lake. You would laugh, I know. I knew so much about you, yet sometimes, you did something totally unexpected. I wish we could go back to our high school days sometimes, we had so damn much fun. Missing an entire month of school cause of our bus driver. How we formed a chain and stole the crates of coke off the truck.
I talk to Garry sometimes, he's in the sand trap again. He want's to "find the old Garry" again. He seems lost. You watch over him up there. He needs you to do that. I need you to do that. We can't have another loss.
Ashley has a baby! He is fighting hard each day and I like to think you are helping him do that. The odds were against him, so I think you are watching and helping. You would totally do that.
I need your strength, your love and support as I am facing some difficult days ahead. I keep singing Sissy's song in my head, and everytime I think of you, I say "don't worry bout me". My head knows that is what you would say, my heart believes it, but still I want you here.
I'll just say I love you and miss you more than I ever thought I could. It only gets stronger as the time goes. I know, I know this is a lot of words. I hope you hear them cause I know you would never read them all. Today I will find funny craigslist posts and try to laugh.
Please make your star/planet shine a little brighter tonight. Please.

Another mis mis without you. You know this time of year has been hard for me, even before you and Daddy left. I wrapped presents for the grands and told myself "find the joy" and watching them unwrap them and see their excitement was joy. Yet here I sit, struggling. I know you would tell me that I should enjoy it, that tomorrow isn't promised so I should celebrate. It's just so damn hard because it was your favorite time of year. I am hoping there is so much joy up there that it's beautiful and unbelievable. I hope. I hope you and daddy are enjoying it. I am trying hard. It's like I'm bipolar, half of me trying to feel joy and the other half saying don't even try. Well, I know what you would say. "shit on that other half". So many of the damn phrases you use to say still stuck in my head.

I am going to try. I finally, finally almost made it through "go rest high" but it got me. That's ok, I know you understand how much you are loved and missed down here. No one who knew you has or ever will forget about you baby sissy. Our AFCENT and MoVal friends remember. I just wish you were still with us cause God could have waited till you were old and wrinkle-e and a crotchety old bitty. That would have worked for me.

Well, too many words. I will "get.to.the.point" (with your teeth all gritted and shit). I miss you. I love you. I wish you were still here.

Merry mis mis Gumpy. Merry mis mis.

Crying and smiling at the same time. Missing you and remembering all the good times with the pictures. Merry Christmas Steffie, what I would give to help you decorate. Tell Dad if there were "do overs" I would put tinsel on the tree....nicely. Hug each other for me. Love you.

Dear Steffie,
This will be your sixth Christmas in heaven, you are in the hands of the most High God and His Son, Jesus. I hope you look down at us and see how much you touched our lives and hearts in the short time God gave you with us. As mortals, we do not understand God’s plan but we have to put Faith in His Plan for our lives even though we don’t like it. Or sometimes it hurts us to our very fiber of being. All we can do is trust and believe that the GOOD LORD has a Holy Divine Plan for each of our lives. I am still trying to understand what mine is but the only thing I can do is keep Faith that God will show me his direction to go.  Your passing left me in a dark place but God has supplied a light in his Word (Jesus) leaning on Him does help me with daily life without you in it.  I wish you a Merry Christmas my Beloved and I know this time of the year was and is your favorite time of the year. I can only imagine the Joy in Heaven. Honey, I can tell you one thing-- LOVE NEVER DIES and GOD IS LOVE. Tell Him I said thank you for His Son, Jesus. 

GARRY

Hey Steff,

Watched the sun come up and listened to the birds. Well one bird. I swear he doesn't chirp, he squakes. But either way....I wonder what it's like on the other side? Do you see the sun come up or is it always sunny? Life is so different now. I hope you can see all of us. Ronald and I bought another house. We figured why keep paying rent when we can own. Besides, our mortgage payment was less than our dang rent. That's hella stupid. It's smaller than our other house, and we just have way too much shit. So we are going to have a "shit don't fit" sale. You remember those orange footlocker boxes from when daddy was still in the AF. Yep, I still have mine. Time to let that ugly ass thing go. We needed to downsize, that house was huge. Like two thermostats and call on your cell phone from the bedroom to the living room. Now that all the kids are gone, we don't need it all. Just Ronald, me and Mervin. But it's an adjustment. Just was thinking of you when the sun came up and missing our talks. I woke up with lupus this morning,s o I am gonna lay my butt down and see if I can sleep and then find some energy. Yeah, I know, but a girl has to try. I love you Gump Go find Blu for me and scratch his ears. Until we meet again, I love you.

Gump,

For no reason I miss you really bad today. Wish I could tell you about our new house. When I listen to "Sissy's song", it hits me that you would tell me "don't worry 'bout me". I know you're safe with your heavenly father, but down here your loss is still so shocking. I wonder if a time will come when I look at your picture and the first thing I think is "did she really die?" I have your voice saved on my phone and you say "love ya, bye". The last thing you said to me was "love you too". I am so lonely without you, without the memories you took with you. I also think about the line in the song I used for your memorial video that says "I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown". I so wish I had you to call when I can't figure something out. When I forget the words of some stupid commercial. The light that was you in my life is gone. I try to keep it going, but you were the one that shared all our experiences with me. You kept the secrets that we never wanted anyone else to know. I still have yours. They will remain unspoken, I will honor that. So my baby sissy. Go rest high on that mountain. Dance with those who went before you. Look after us, ok? I miss the hell outta you Steff. I can't believe that you really left us. I will see you again one day. Until that day, know you are loved and missed. I still have you in my prayers. I know you would tell me that you don't need prayers anymore. It's automatic. I love you Gump. I love you.

Gumpy,

This is your 5th birthday in heaven. The shock and trauma still pop up, but mostly there is an unbelievable sorrow in my heart that is still broken. I am still holding on, I can't seem to let you go. You were my first friend. The one who knew the secrets, who kept the secrets. You fed my soul with kindness. The 5 years you've been gone have been 5 of my hardest years.

"Never alone. Never alone. I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown".

"she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting and I know she's smiling saying don't worry bout me".

I miss you baby sissy. With every beat of my heart. I love you Steff. I.LOVE.YOU

LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY, BUT STILL CAN'T AND WON'T CRY. HUG DADDY FOR ME AND HAVE HIM HUG YOU BACK FOR ME.

Gump,

As I sit here with the tears falling so freely down my face, I am looking at pictures from your past. The past you flew off with. The smiles and the laughs, the eye rolls and the bus rides from Germany to Holland. Having to trade weekends of doing dishes when I would go to Lord knows where on the week-ends.

I'm not over you and I never will be. Do I still cry at night. Indeed I do. I laugh again. I take the help that is offered to me now. Yes, I still cuss at your and fight with my emotions and this love/hate relationship I still struggle with. Jim said to me that you weren't being punished by leaving Garry and the rest of your family, you were rewarded. I think we all could have had to stay longer. I would have traded with you. I know you and I know you would say "no Tee, let me go first. You have kids" Why did you go when you a much kinder and more thoughtful person than most of us humans.

I still struggle every day Steffie-Gump. Late at night, like now when no one can hear my sobs, I struggle. You would be proud of me, I just used my shirt for a snot rag. Hold on to something, the other day I belched (yes, it's true) and I said "that is for you Steff" I found one half an ounce that Carmen and Wendi left for me.

I still feel the panic I did having to turn my back on you and walk away. I never did that to you before. Especially when something scared you. Like having you wait in the hall at all the new schools so I could help you find your next class. Or the time I found you lost and roaming in the wrong wing for the wrong country. We sat down and leaned back and had a good laugh about that one. Or you and your damn white pearl eye shadow I made you wash off and used my make up to teach you to do yours. It was only a band class we missed and Ricci didn't care. So many things I've forgotten and use to rely on you for. My memory is shit now so I really need you. No one else remembers Zoom and the
fan-dabby-dozey. No one gets it.

Yep baby sissy, I would take you back. There are only 4 of us now, so incomplete sometimes. You'd be happy to know that every year since Daddy passed, Feltenberger goes into some bar and buys a round, for the whole place. Every birthday and the day he passed he toasts "Daddy Becker". It's a week-end, but maybe I will call him and we can have drinks together over the phone. Donte Munlap talks about you. I think most people don't know what to say. It doesn't help.

I'm trying Gumpy, and I am getting better, but I don't know if there will be a day when I'm ok with you being gone. I know you're up there with family members who've gone on ahead. I can't find a way to end this, cause I just wanted to talk with you more. I miss you on turkey day, on Christmas, days in between. Every day before and after. I talk to Sister who has helped me so much. (she said "that woman (you) was a force to be reckoned with" Got a good laugh with that.

Ok, I will stop now. Just know that we all still think of you, each and everyday. You're not someone anyone will forget and no one here on earth will ever, ever stop loving you. Ever baby sissy, ever.

i didn't know the grown up Steffie, but I knew the beautiful little child. I spent many hours/days at your house when you lived up on Hamlin hill in Northridge. Such great memories. Hold your memories close and know you will see her again one day. She is preparing the way along with your father. Love to you all. Sandy

My baby sissy. Today is your 49th birthday. This morning I woke up singing "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too". You would sing it to my on my birthday and I would sing it to you. I hope you heard me.

I wish I could tell you that I've let you go, but the reality is I haven't. I know you are gone. I've visited your grave. Every night before I go to sleep, I picture myself turning away from your casket and having my knees buckle. Jim and Tracy and the funeral director held me up so I could leave you there. That was the first time in my life, ever, that I turned my back on you. I left you there, just like you left me here. I know it was not your choice. That decision God made for you. I feel like he punished all the rest of us by taking you.

I miss you. I have every day that you've been gone. Every.Single.Day.

You spent 20 years married to your one and only true love. But you've gone and we've all tried to move on. Garry found himself an old/new love. He was lost in such darkness after you left. So he found a wonderful woman who brought him out of that darkness and gave him back the sunshine and laughter he had lost. I would like to thank her for that. I've never met her, I tried reaching out to her but I guess she doesn't want to. At least when I say my prayers I tell her thank you. (And pray nothing happens to her, cause that would probably be it for Garry).

Happy Birthday in Heaven Gump. I would hug you but I'm sure those angel wings would make it difficult. I have on my phone your picture and the recording of you saying. "I love ya, bye". Of course I am sitting here crying. Still for the life you didn't get to live. That yours was so short (in my opinion).

I love you Steffie Gump. Always and Forever. I miss you baby sissy. So very much.

Garry has gone to Afghanistan. I pray for his safety each night.

What really troubles me now is that you are alone there. I know you really aren't there, but that is the place where I turned away from you. Life is moving on I guess. I went to Spokane for Hoopfest for the first time in many years. As we got closer I felt such a sense of panic and started to cry. I told Ron I didn't want to go there because of the memories. You walking us through the sky walks. Us feeding the ducks.

It's not that I want to leave you, I just want this pain inside to stop. Just stop. I just need a few days without the sorrow in my heart. But God doesn't hear my pleas it seems. Let me have a few days where the thoughts of you make me smile, or feel any thing other than sadness. When will this end because I'm sick of it and I'm so tired Steff. So very tired.

Changed the song. Toby Keith "I'm cryin for me". I cried at first because God took you away. No one ever thought you'd leave us like you did. I cried at first for Garry. For Mom. For all the people that loved you. I feel like you were robbed. We were robbed. I thought there'd be more time with you.

But now, being honest I cry mostly for me. You took my past with you. You aren't there for me to say "hey, remember how scared you were to walk into the band room the first time?" Nope, that's gone. No one to talk to about how big AFCENT was and all the different wings. No one who shares all those memories that we had. No one to remember how pissed Daddy was when we forgot our passports and they held us at the border until Daddy drove them up to us. You use to play jacks with me. We teeter-tottered together. I can see the swing set in Dayton. The swing where we sat facing each other. No one else has those memories.

I'm not mad any more. I was mad. Very mad. Why didn't you fight harder? But I know now that you did your best. You always said "when it's your time to go, it's your time and nothing you do will change it". Jim and Tracy have helped me so much. Even Sister has spent time on the phone with me. I had to laugh when she said "Oh heavens, that woman was a force to be reckon'ed with".

So now when the hot tears pour out of my eyes late at night, they are for me! Selfish? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Would you be pissed? Yes. And I know I am letting you down. I know what I have to do. Wendi says it's time. She says I have to let you go. I'm making a special birthday video for you for tomorrow. I have to let you go. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking of you. I will carry you with me. I will try harder.

It is almost your birthday. Another year I could have teased you. I've been dreaming about you. The other night I had to take double the Xanax just to sleep without you in my head. Not that I don't want you to visit me, just don't like the message.

Life is going on without you. Momma is in CA now. She sold the house. She remembers how you jumped up and down when you found out they were going to live in TX, not far from you. We have Mervin (please locate Claudette, she was upset by your passing. Daddy, Sammy, you and Claudette. I include Sammy cause we all loved him as well. Ron and I are getting close to our 29th anniversary. Summer is here, this year we have a giant air conditioner so it won't be like sitting in an oven. Garry has found someone to love, he was so damaged by your death. At first I was so hurt that he found someone. But I recalled a conversation you and I had after daddy passed and I tried to look at it from a different angle. I so want him to be happy but I was pissed. Then I realized, I wasn't pissed at him, I was pissed cause you weren't here and we all hurt and suffer because you're gone. I've got several friends who have had hard losses and I've been doing my best to support them when they are drowning in their sorrow. Yet I sit in solitude with my own. I struggle with the pain of knowing that you didn't get enough time. My health is so much worse then you. You were perfectly healthy except for what killed you. So why you? Why not me? Everyone would have known that I had lupus, so we could chalk it up to that. It would have been so much easier for everyone to accept. I feel like I need to live for you, feel what you would be feeling. Why am I here and you are not? It should have been me. I would gladly take your place and give you back to Garry and momma and Carmen and Wendi and Janet and Hae Bun and Dr. Madeline. I miss you Gump.

Doing your hair and makeup after you passed did not bother me.

But I am haunted and tortured by the memory of the last time I saw you alive. You took me to the airport and argued with the lady at the counter because of the baggage charges. We had to take stuff out of my suitcase because it was too heavy. You walked me to the gate and stood there waving. Then you left. I sat down then got back up to get a coke and there you were. Standing right outside the gate, waving and crying. I told them I was going back out and they said ok. I came back out and hugged you. We just stood there. I could feel you crying. You hadn't done that before and I didn't understand it. I made some stupid joke and you laughed. So off I went through security again. Turned and there you still were, crying so hard I could see your body shaking. Doing your wave. So I came back out again. And again. It took 5 times before you finally left. All I can see is your face and you crying. That memory hasn't been replaced, even though I worked on you after you died.

Did you know that would be the last time? You never did that before. 5 times I had to come back out. I'd never seen you like that. Why can't I get that picture of you crying and waving out of my head? I think maybe if that was gone, maybe then I could move on. I look at your picture and try to think of you another way but it doesn't work. I want that damn picture out of my head.

Couldn't leave a message yesterday, although I talked to you. Tracy and Mom pretty much said it all. I can't say much more than my heart feels nothing any more since that terrible day 2 years ago. I miss you Steffie. I love you so much. Life......painful. Death......I hope for you and Dad it is peaceful. I miss you.

Steffie,
I am sitting here reading the tributes that everyone has written and although they are beautiful, they don't even begin to let the world know what a truly special person you were. I am trying to celebrate your life instead of mourning, but my emotions get all jumbled up and I'm not really sure what I am feeling, other than the loss of my baby girl and the close friendship we shared. We saw each other almost every day and the days we weren't together we talked on the telephone, I grieve for the abrupt end to that friendship, and your loss of not being able to live a long, happy life. I know life isn't fair, but this just seems and feels cruel. I carry you in my heart and a day never goes by that I don't think of and miss Daddy and you. I love you both and look forward to the time I will see you both again. Just remember how much you both were loved and are missed. God called you home early because of the kind, loving person you were. I honestly have never met a kinder, more thoughtful person in my life. You were special and I thank God for letting us have you for 45 years. Yes, we wanted and needed more, but God knows what He is doing even though we don't understand or agree. I love you with the love of a mother for her child, and that is the strongest love there is.

6:33 a.m. ~ The first phone call saying there was something wrong.
43 minutes~ I spent on my knees praying.
7:16 a.m. ~ The call saying you were gone. Huh? Momma had to repeat it to me 3 times.
6hrs and 30 mins. ~ How long it took me to fly from my home to mommas.
1,440 minutes in a day. May not seem like many, it really is because I feel your loss every single one of them.
730 nights I have gone to bed and shed tears because you're gone. 
1,051,200 minutes.
1,051,200 minutes this world has been without you. I can guarantee that you have been thought of and missed by someone, probably multiple someone’s.
Endless tears have been shed since you've gone. 730 days is not enough to understand it. To believe it, to accept it. I know you're gone and gone forever. Yet still I wish there was some way I could bring you back to all of us who love you. Not one of us misses you more than the other, no one hurts worse than the other. We all lost. Family, friends, strangers who you would have helped.

I've stopped talking about you to others. I got tired of hearing how I should be..."should be farther down the road of grief", "let her go”, and “move on". I can only do what my heart dictates. I've prayed for peace, I've prayed to be able to not cry. My heart is still weeping Gump, my soul is still shattered, the edges too rough to fit back together. I put Sissy's song on here. I know that's what you're telling me "don't worry bout me". I'm not worried about you. I just am not yet at peace. I will continue to try. I am alive, I am laughing. I am just no whole, no comfort has healed my heart, no peace yet in my soul. I will just keep trying every day. After I say my prayers, the last thing I whisper is "I'll try harder tomorrow".

Gump, it isn't getting easier. I didn't get to call you and say "stop making me old" and hear you say "make me". I guess those days are over. I hope you know how deeply you are missed by so many. I thank you every day in my heart for the laughs we shared. Ronald told me it's ok to cry for you. As Toby Keith said "I'm not cryin cause I feel so sorry for you, I'm cryin' for me" I love you

I hope you are looking down on us - happy, laughing like you always did, and knowing that your light, wisdom and love is missed by us all...

2) heart it would be better. I stay in touch with Gay-ray, he is struggling daily without you. All those talks we had about husbands, you should know that he loved and loves you so much. We all miss you and I play the recording of your voice from your phone when I really cant stand it and need to be close to you. I love you Gumpy, Happy Birthday with Dad and hug each other for me. LUM

1) Today my beautiful baby sister would have been your 46th birthday. How I wish you were here to celebrate and hear me sing in my terrible (but loving) voice. My heart exploded in my chest when I heard JP say "she passed away". But that has been a good thing cause I haven't felt anything in a year. Now if my mind would catch my

1/1 Steffie, I didn't believe that the pain and ache in my heart would ever lessen. let alone Almost go away. The night before the date of your passing, I did some VERY HARD praying. I came to realize that nothing I can do will change your death. I will forever hold you in my heart, but I cannot live with, nor do I want to live the rest of mu life in pain over what I cannot change.

2/3 nor do I believe that is what you would want for anyone in our family. This last year almost shattered my soul. My heart ached with physical pain. When I finally truly accepted that you were never coming back I finally realized that by grieving for you was the only Thing I truly had in my life and by letting go I wasn't forgetting you or abandoning you from my life. Now I will try to

3/3 live each day in your memory and as I believe that you would want. I pray for the day that everyone who loved you so much will come to the same conclusion. I know that my days here are numbered and I don't want to spend them in such pain. You will always be my baby and I will love you and your sisters until my dying breath and beyond. Hug Daddy until I can. I love you both forever.

Hardly a day goes by when I do not think of the value that Steffanie added to my life as a co-worker and most of all as a friend. A more dependable and supportive person could not be found in this world. I look forward to seeing her again when we all gather in the presence of the Saints in our heavenly home with our LORD. Jude:24-25

You are gone and there's nothing I can do about it.

You're just gone.

Gone.

In days time you will have been gone from us a year, a year that never should have been. I am ever grateful God put me on the same path as you for the time we had. It is one of the great blessings bestowed upon me to have been friends with you. I love and miss you. ~Marie

As one year approaches, it still feels like the day you left. I have tried, my heart refueses to feel anything, but my mind won't give me peace. I know you didn't plan or even want to leave, but I miss you sooo much that life is a chore trying to hold it together because I know that is what you would want. I just want you to know I love you. And miss you beyond words. LUM

Steffie, we are all trying to ignore the fact that next Wednesday you will have been gone from this earth for a year. A year filled with grief, sorrow and disbelief. I still have to stop myself from picking up the phone to ask you about something that I know you will remember. You gave us all so much love and that love is hard to live without. My baby girl you. are still in my heart.

My silent has been in reverence to my tremendous grief and the immeasurable lost of this kind-hearted, wonderful and devoted wife. Steffanie, Honey you are missed with every fiber of my being. My heart and soul has been aching with the emptiness left by God calling you home. I love you and miss you Steff.  Love, Garry

I know what you would want me to do; carry on and live each day. But I can't yet. Oh, I'm alive, I eat and sleep when I can. But for most of the day I think and think. I know you are probably disappointed in me, and I'm sorry about that. I try each day but I fail. Like I failed you. I know you have forgiven me. I need to try to forgive myself. Yeah, right

I sit here listening to the rain on the roof, alone and desperate. I know you're with Daddy, but I want you here still. I want so badly to hear my phone ring and see "Steff" on the caller ID. I wanna hear you say "hey Tee, what cha doin". I want this hole in my heart to be filled by the sound of your voice. You left me here. YOU LEFT ME HERE

Someone I know has an opportunity to fight for her life and she isn't. Not because she doesn't want to live, but for reasons I think are ridiculous. It pisses me off. If you had a chance, no matter how small, you would have fought for yours. You did fight for more minutes than medically you should have been able to. You didn't have a chance and I'm pissed about that. I miss you Gumpy.

I changed your song to "I hope you dance" cause in the pieces of my heart that are left I think that is what you would want. But I can't. I feel bad when I smile. I feel bad when I look over at Ron. I feel bad sometimes when I take a deep breath. I can't do what I know you would want. I can't even stand to be in my kitchen. It should have been me.

I miss you.

My dearest Stephanie
Coming to this site has been hard. Each time I do, I see your pictures, hear the music and each time I have to leave. Staying here means I have to acknowledge something I just don’t want to face, believe in, or accept in any way. My words fail me and only tears come for each visit I make, so then I leave again with no words spoken of how much I miss and love you my old frie

Tonight I feel really sad for the life that you and Garry wont get to have. You got robbed and that upsets me. I cant sleep again. I wish I could have been there for you that morning. I want to smash something so bad. I miss you so bad. It hurts.

My tears are so hot, yet so silent as they fall from my eyes late at night when I can't escape the panic I feel. I can usually find a way to distract myself during the day, but in silence of night, your loss screams at me. I have to flip a switch and refuse the pain because it's an edge that once I step over, I won't be able to come back. I love you and miss you with my whole being. 3,/3

Today I actually felt like I have lost my mind, that really, you can't be gone from us. I will never hear you say "hey Tee" or read an email that you sent cause someone posted something funny on Craigslist. How can this really be??? I know you are gone, but I have these moments where I am in disbelief. One more day. I wish I had one more day to tell you what I need to say.