Dresser For Sale- Possessed By Ex Girlfriend

I am selling the dresser that my ex left behind when we split. Like in our relationship, she felt it wasn't an obligation of hers to move anything along in our union or move anything out when she left.
This dresser has 9 drawers for hiding even everything from the largest load of bullshit to the smallest of emotion It's made mostly of solid wood (mirror and drawer faces) and is very sturdy and very heavy - again like my ex but with less pulp. I believe it is made of oak and not self loathing and hatred It has a huge trifold mirror that was perfect for each of her faces.
Very few bumps and bruises this dresser is a real keeper and just needs a little TLC - not years of therapy or Daddy's approval.
No reason to create the illusion of a bad childhood because this dresser is willing to provide a purpose for a family - storing clothes with no emotional baggage or snack cakes.
Doesn't bitch, never wonders where you have been and it can be friends with other pieces of furniture without being jealous or complaining. It does not believe the foot stool is a whore!
Drawers slide open freely and easily like my ex but without the aid of alcohol, cash, or credit cards
I am looking to sell it for the same amount of weight she gained in our relationship about $150. That price is not negotiable unlike my ex in any bar on a Saturday Night.
Valued at a lot more and like my ex at that price I am giving it away
Pickup only as I am just one man and like my ex - one guy just won't cut it so bring your friends!
Well worth it if you are a wingman, the adventurous type or a glutton for punishment
DISCLAIMER: Exorcism unnecessary as its evil spirits left having already draining me of anything identifying me as a man and human being