Well, it is your birthday again. I stil see you walking up the sidewalk that last day I saw you alive. Your daughter is asking more questions. She misses you terribly. She says it is so unfair she doesn't have a daddy. I can only agree and cry with her and hold her.

We will be releasing balloons up to heaven later after school in your honor.

26 years ago at 12:20 p.m. you came into this world.

Except for her first birthday, every birthday since, with me, something awful has happened. She still remembers them too. So smart.

Second birthday, she kissed the sidewalk hard, bleeding, etc. 

Third birthday, she again kissed the sidewalk really hard, scraped up hands, knees, elbows, etc. But she was also potty trained, but she went to the bathroom in her birthday clothes and I had to carry her home. And then I had pee all over me. She will also tell people that because that is exactly what happened.

Fourth birthday. I went to pick her up at her other grandma's. As I was approaching Hall Road on North Avenue, pressed on the brakes because it was a red light and between 4-5 p.m. so traffic was heavy. My foot went straight to the floor!!! I didn't even look for other cars, I swerved to the right and turned right on Hall Road, again, not looking for any cars. Turned the key many times, threw it in park, neutral, etc. Nothing!!! Finally I drove up on the grass and the car finally stopped in front of Wendy's. It was so horrible. I thought we both were going to die that day considering the speed of the cars.And I was going about 40 mph.  I started crying and was hysterical, of course. Abrianna became the same way and wanted out of the car! I didn't blame her. Called a friend to come and get us, tow truck. Went inside to eat at Wendy's. The fireman gave her a beanie baby frog for her birthday as he looked at me and we both knew how very lucky we were in not hitting any cars or anyone hitting us. Between you and God. I thank you for our lives.

Her 5th birthday is coming up. I am terrified. What will happen this time?. She is too. She will tell people what happened on each birthday. They look at me in horror and I say yes that is what happened.

She was afraid to get in my car for a very long time. She will still bring it up if we are going somewhere and if we go past that Wendy's, she will say that is where the car broke! So I do my best to avoid that area when she is with me. Oh hell, I avoid it too. 

I may have already written about this, I don't look back at what I have said. Abrianna loves Katy Perry, I have her favorites songs on my iphone, she was listening to them today. She has also seen the videos, somehow missing the more adult parts of some of the videos. She really likes the Firework video. She has such a big heart. Out of that whole video she wonders about the bald headed little boy in the hospital in a hospital gown and wants to know what is wrong with him and why does he look so sad..........breaks my heart. I tell Abrianna she is a firework. I wish this song was around for you to hear.

I look around our home and see all your pictures and still just can't believe you are gone, over 2 1/2 years now!!

I am doing my best to honor your requests of keeping your memory alive for her. Your daughter and her mom will be releasing balloons to you in heaven tomorrow in honor of your birthday. She is so beautiful and so smart and sweet. I know you are watching her and see her. Stay close to her. Tell Jim I said hi, he visited me in one of my dreams a couple of weeks ago. We had a great time. You can visit me again too ya know. It has been awhile, too busy golfing? I hope so! 

You only celebrated one birthday with her. I found the birthdat video earlier today I also remember at this time four years ago waiting for the any time now even though the due date was 9-10-07. My prediction was she would be born on the 7th, 11th, or the 22nd. Steve and his dad both born on the 7th. Brian and I born on the 11th and Steve's Uncle Jim on the 22nd. As it got closer, the 22nd became clearer in my mind, thanks Jim. Elise went into labor on 8-21 in the afternoon. Baby was ready, At about 6:00 I told them sorry it won't happen until after midnight. Of course they weren't happy, Elise wanted this done already. Well, at mighnight things were moving along quickly, I whispered in Elise's ear, it is time now. I called the time of her being born at 12:01 a.m. So she shares the same birthdate of someone I loved very much and still do and miss him every day as well.

I made a photo book of you and her. I ordered one for her and one for me. It took me a long time to get it perfect and the way I waned it but I did it. It is beautiful.  Abrianna will always have this book of nearly every picture of the two of you. No video made yet. I can't do that yet. I have watched some of them, too emotional.

I haven't given her the book yet but your pictures are everywhere. You asked us to promise to keep your memory alive in her heart and head and we do even though it is so incredibly hard and so bittersweet. There is a picture of a bear in one of the memorial bookcase pictures. That is the angel bear. Whispers from heaven. Beautiful poem inside and she has me read it all the time to her and there is a picture of Daddy inside.

At times when I can't fight back the tears in front of her, she now pats my back and says Daddy will be coming back for us, it is okay Gaga. Of course I cry more.

What does she know that we don;t? I ask her questions, sometimes she gets uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it so I don't press the issue. I sure hope you are still with her and she can feel your presence. She still misses you like crazy. But I also know as she gets olders, she will lose those memories of you and that, well, I can't even descibe in words. Gotta stop again. Sorry if there is typos and I goof up on wording. I am a better typist and speller but when you are crying all over the keyboard, hard to see what you are doing. Sweet dreams, Steve and to your daughter.

I haven't been here for awhile. Just too painful. I thought I saw you the other day. Maybe it was you, maybe not. Your daughter is just so amazing and it too bad that so many people are missing out by choosing to stay out of her life. I know you had your reasons, but others, there are no reasons. Your life will go on in your daughter but so many family member, they know who they are, just don't give a crap about her and I know that hurt you so bad and when I babies hurt, I hurt a million times more for them. Them not knowing this beautiful amazing little girl with be another forever loss for them as well as they lost you. Well, more like you were thrown away like the garbage. But you know those you loved you more than life itself and beyond. From here to infinity!!! For you Toy Story fans. My love knows no bounds for you, Brian and Abrianna. The hurt has not let up at all. Somehow I have to learn to live with this.

Abrianna and I talked about you today, but you know that because you are with her. We talked about God and you being in heaven and she cried she didn't want to go unless she could see you and God. I said Daddy would love to see you but he said you have to live your life first baby gil and he will be waiting they for you with open arms and a huge smile just for you, his baby girl. You will always be daddy's little girl. I wish he would have made different choices. He knew how hurtful and horrible it was growing up without his dad around all the time. I told him he couldn't do the same thing to you and create so much hurt and heartache but his heartache was too much for him to bear, he couldn't hang on any longer. I know the lack of acknowledgment when you were born hurt him horribly!! I also hurt for you and for new family. Remember, we have so many relatives all over the country who loved you and some never even met you. I do take comfort in that and knowing they did care even though they were so many miles away. You had other family members who live so close and they just can't be bothered, I guess. Not sure what it is going on in their heads. Don't care. Too much damage and too much water under and over that bridge. I know you desperately wanted your dad to meet your beautiful baby daughter. For whatever reason, you may know now after living with for God for awhile now. Sure would like a sign from you to help me ease my pain. I have a lot of rage and anger in me towards a lot of people who hurt my babies.

The mother lion..........I will always have two children. Always.

One lives in heaven, the other here on earth.

Everytime we see a bunny, we think of you. When we see the moon, Abrianna says Daddy brought me the moon tonight and she blows kisses. When she finds pennies or other coins, all from you we tell her. The moon thing, she came up with that on her own.

She says she talks to you and you and her play. Keep it up. You wanted us to keep your memory alive for her, I am doing my best. You have no idea who difficult this is for me. Your pictures are all over the house for her. Your clothes are hanging in the closets, including hers.

I just saw that this is part of a google search now. So I am hoping people will be respectful here and express their sorry or whatever they need to express.

Steve, I know in your tape recording that you wanted one more time to see your dad. Well, I would have moved heaven and earth, all you had to was ask. I never talked bad about your dad ever. I told you the truth in little bits here and there and only when you asked. I would have made sure you could have seen him.  I am so sorry you didn't get. You know I did and would do anything for you, Brian and Abrianna. You three are my life. When you hurt, I hurt a million times more. My job is to protect you from hurt, harm,etc. Little did I know, I had to protect you from your own blood relatives. It still makes me so sick. I know you know Steve, that they still don't care about your daughter. They have lost such a beautiful part of her life that they will never get back and probably will never have.

I did my very best to protect you two boys from people hurting you, no matter who it was. I was honest as well in some of the decisions I made for your own safety and welfare. That was my top concern. Now I need to protect Abrianna and Brian and you know I will.

Between you, your Uncle Jim, Chris and Grandpa Don among others in heaven with you. I know you will try and keep us all safe and out of harm's way as best you can. But God's will may be stronger than your own.

I love you so much and miss you beyond any words. It still feels like yesterday when I saw you walking up the sidewalk to the house smiling knowing what you were going to do in a few hours. I will never forgive myself for not knowing. I should have known but I didn't. I am so sorry I couldn't help you. May be in eternal happiness and peace. You could not find here.

He lied about being okay. I am sure so many people want more intimate details about what happened. I will share them. Just not yet. A little bit at a time.

I do not want to speak ill of Abrianna's mother, Elise. But they were having some very serious problems and Steve was heartbroken and didn't know what to do. this want on for several weeks. He did keep saying he wanted to kill himself. How many times have we all said when something bad happened? Me too. Many times.

Some of the information I have, I didn't get until after the funeral from the police. The pictures taken on 6-5-09 were to be his last as far as he was concerned. He had a gun in his vehicle, I was watching Abrianna and he had to run errands. He went to Dunham's and bought a shot gun. He came back and wanted pictures of him and Abrianna, so I took several. Still, I had no idea. He took Abrianna back to her mom's house, they were living apart at this point. A couple of hours later, Elise or her mom called me to say the police were there and taking Steve to a hospital. I was devastated to say the least. This was Friday night on 6-5-09. I did talk to him before the police took him away. I did visit him in the hospital that Sunday. Very hard to see that type of hospital setting. I worked in Mental Health for 11 years for Macomb County. I should have known but I was a mom first and didn't want to believe any of this. Well, he did leave a suicide note, the police took that and the gun. A few days after the funeral, I received a letter from the sheriff's department regarding picking up the gun. The woman who came out with it said she spoke to Steve personally on that Thursday morning and if she had any idea or clue what he was planning, she would have thrown him in jail. He faked her out too. Hard to type. Tears streaming down my face. I was with my mom, I hadn't seen the gun before, huge shotgun. She told me that she told him she could not release the gun without a medical release from a doctor. Well, he came to my house right after that, this was 10:45 a.m. Thursday. He told me one story and went downstairs and told Brian another story and said he had to go to work. He seemed fine, sad yes but okay. I was dead wrong. Can't type anymore.