I held you close in my heart today,
It made me feel complete.
You may have died, but you are not gone,
You will always be a part of me.
As long as the Sun shines...
The Wind blows...
The Rain falls...

Missing you 1 year and 17 days (382 Days)
  • 84 years old
  • Born on October 6, 1933 in Lawad, India.
  • Passed away on December 29, 2017 in Madison, Wisconsin, United States.

This memorial website was created in memory of my father, Sushil Bansal, 84, born on October 6, 1933 and passed away on December 29, 2017. He will live on in our hearts forever.

My father was suffering from complications due to stroke and since June this year after a surgery he started to have more problems. While he suffered with multiple issues this year, it appears that he went to sleep on the night of December 28th and just didn't wake up and went peacefully. He was at Belmont Nursing Home in Madison, Wisconsin at this time and had been there for little less than a year.

He was born in Meerut, India, the son of Dr. Dhanpat Rai and Smt. Prakash Vati (Goyal) Gupta. He married Saroj Rastogi on December 25, 1958, in Mawana, India. It was an arranged marriage. They saw one-another for the first time after they were married! They were rarely ever apart until my Mom passed away on September 8, 2013. My father was an accountant by profession. He had a Masters in Mathematics. His first job was as a teacher at a school in Meerut but soon he found a position working as an accountant for the Government Of India. He always worked very hard and no matter how difficult the situation became, he never let any of know that there were problems. In 1977 we moved to the United States and he worked with the Embassy of India in Washington DC for four years. Eventually he resigned from the Government Service and stayed on here so that we, the children could have a better life. After living in Maryland for 23 years they moved to Madison, Wisconsin along with his son's family.

He has always been the quiet one; most comfortable with papers, figures, computers but at the same time he did have a witty sense of humor. He always enjoyed a challenge – learning a new skill like web site development, mastering photography, creating projects on Shutterfly. He loved taking walks. My parents used to take regular a mile walk at least once a day, no matter how cold it was. They both loved to travel. We travelled a lot together both in India as well as here in the States. We went on a Cruise many years ago and this became his favorite way of vacationing. He was very actively involved with Indian American Association in Madison. He loved playing Bridge and created a Bridge Group at the Fitchburg Senior Center. He also volunteered there for various activities including exercise program. He was supposed to teach Exercise class there a day after he had his stroke on February 14, 2013. Stroke left his left side weak. He loved working with the therapists and worked very hard to gain his strength back. He joined Adaptive Fitness class at the UW Natatorium offered by Tim Gattenby in Summer of 2013 and attended every session until the Fall of 2017 when he was too ill and weak from several complications due to Stroke. He loved this class; loved working with the students who doted on him; found a wonderful friend in Tim who went out of his way many times to help and work with my Dad. My Dad was very much looking forward to starting this class again on January 30th, 2018, but... He was definitely a fearless and adventureous soul.

His final year was spent at Belmont Nursing Home and Rehab. He was happy there and actually considered it second best place to home. Special thanks to Gail, Jerri, Essa, Pam, Chad, Joan and Katie who went out of their way many times to make his life a bit easier; and to the Activities Staff for discovering an artist in my father who had never before used a paint brush.

He is survived by his Son, Ashish; daughter-in-law, Gauri; grand-daughters, Priya and Pramita; daughter, Sandhia; and son-in-law, Christopher. He was preceded in death by his parents; 3 brothers – two older (Rajendra Kumar Bansal and Sukumar Chandra Bansal) and a younger one (Suboth Kumar Bansal); his wife and my Mom, Saroj Bansal and his older sister-in-law, Bala Bansal.

Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 4th January 2019
Dear Papa
Today was the day we said our final goodbyes to you... Lots of your friends came to see you off. Hope you saw the gathering and were proud of the legacy you left behind.
You haven't been there for more than a year now but I just can't get used to of you not being there. I feel like you would be right where I left you last on the evening of October 21st, 2017, hugged you and told you 'see you next time'. I WILL see you - I am sure of it. But until then I miss you very much. Miss your calls and texts; miss our fights and miss your obstinate replies to my texts. Miss you sooooo much.
Yesterday driving home I was thinking of you and suddenly had a strange feeling as if I lost a son in you... For five years I got used to of trying to take care of you - more than you would allow me to and suddenly had this empty feeling of not being able to do that anymore.
Papa, I miss saying the word 'Papa'. Sometimes I just say it out loud so I don't forget how it sounds.
Missing you extra hard today. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 1st January 2019
Dear Papa
Happy New Year, wherever you are...
It still feels very strange you not being there. I miss the feeling of 'home' and a sense of having roots somewhere. Its all gone now.
Missing you on this day and always...
Your daughter
Posted by Navneet Bansal on 30th December 2018
Dear chacha , A year past that we have not heard your voice . I hope you also met mummy while in heaven . You are always remembered by us with your fond memories . Your very simple life style is not very easy to follow . May your noble soul rest in peace now . I am your Pappu
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th December 2018
Dear Papa
I was looking at our text messages and saw that you never replied to my last text. I know you read it but...
I miss you and Mummy at the other end of the telephone line. Tracy was so looking forward to working with you and was really sad to hear that you were gone. She had you only for a week. She told me that you beat her at the board game you two played :-) I wish I had thought of her before. She was very good, very caring and very reliable. You have left such a void - now there is no one...
Anju reminded me this morning of our visit to Minneapolis in 2015 and of your smile as you held Dhruv. That was a good time, wasn't it? I enjoyed that ride with you - we stopped at Pizza Hut for lunch and it was nice to be able to have a little vacation (which turned out to be a memorable family vacation) with you the way we used to when we were all together. I am really happy that you were able to have that time with Anju's family and enjoy it. It was really a very nice change from regular routines.
Wish we could do that again.
I miss the times when we used to take vacations; drive long distance to have lunch / dinner; just sit around the house and have your cappuccino with Mummy's cashews. I am sure Chris misses those cashews she used to make. Now that I think of it, last time you made cappuccino for us was December 2012 when I was there at your 54th wedding anniversary.
I have lots of good memories to cherish and I just try to feel blessed and thankful that I have those. I had the best family one can have and now I need to remember that, and smile at wonderful times we have. Now I don't remember our fights much; and we had some, didn't we? :-) But it was all part of our lives together and all of it is important.
Wish I could send you the 2019 calendar!
Thank you for being my Papa... Thank you for being in my life...
Missing you today and always... With Love Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th December 2018
Dear Papa
This morning while getting ready for work, the thought occurred to me that this was the last morning you woke up a year ago! I wondered how you were feeling that morning and what you planned to do.
Missing you much - today and always... Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 26th December 2018
Dear Mummy Papa
I thought of you all day yesterday. Wished I could call and wish you 60th Wedding Anniversary... I am happy that I was there with you at the last one you celebrated together - December 2012. We made pizza at home, remember?
Nothing is the same without you. Wish I started making annual calendars before you were gone Mummy. I think you would have liked these. And Papa, I don't know how to send you the new calendar. You didn't leave a forwarding address. Hope you can see it from wherever you are. I remember you wrote to me last time in December 2017 that you liked the new calendar with its new photos. I thought of that often when I made the one for 2019. You never got to use the one for 2018. The year has gone by so quickly. I am sick this year at Christmas just as I was at last and I wondered at this coincidence whether you were back at Belmont again!
I didn't send off a balloon as I had promised - could not go out last couple of days. And I didn't make samosas as I was planning to. As soon as I am better, I will do both. I am sure you can see me and know that I thought of you every minute yesterday and missed you so very much.
Well, happy 60th Wedding Anniversary and Merry Christmas. Love and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 14th December 2018
Dear Papa
Last year you told me you wanted colors for Christmas. You haven't told me yet what you would want this year... I wish I came last December when you asked me to. I thought that was a very difficult time, getting more difficult every day. But this is much harder...
Sending you a BIG hug wherever you are...
Missing you and Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2018
Read it somewhere... " It’s your first birthday without your Pop. Remember all the years that he did call and cherish those memories. Time will ease the pain but never take it away. "
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 27th November 2018
Dear Papa
First one without all four of you. Please give me strength to get through the day and live rest of my life in a way that you would approve. Give me the wisdom to cherish your memories and at the same time cherish what I still have.
I was looking at the clock last night after 11pm thinking that that's when a year ago you started calling to wish me happy birthday. I read your texts this morning from Nov 26th and 27th last year. Hard to believe you are not there anymore. Where are you? Papa, give me some of your strength as I need it. I know how looking back how strong you were. I love those pictures of you where you have a huge smile on your face. Teach me how to do that now that I miss you all so much. I watched your 'zipline' video again and felt so proud how brave you were. You were dealt a very bad hand but you did do well at handling it. I will not be able to if I get the same hand - I know it.
Wish you would call.
Missed your call this morning. Missing you very much today. Your's Gudiya
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 26th November 2018
Dear Papa
I suddenly had a very strong feeling that I needed you to call me. Long long time ago when I was a child, I read somewhere "Jisko aag kai hawalai ker aayai, phir aisa kyon lagta hai her aahut per ki wo kahi yeh wo to nehin?". Don't know why I remember it still - I couldn't have been more than 12 or 13. All was well then, still it made me sad, I remember, at the time.
This will be my first birthday without anyone being present who was there when I was born. Won't you call me? I miss you so much that it hurts and I didn't think I would miss you much...
Come fight with me; argue with me; or just sit with me; call me on the phone... Why didn't you sit with me and talk to me about how to live on when all of you are gone?
I don't want my birthday - don't want anything where you cannot be. Babaji ammaji used to give me dehi and chheni; I know mine has been a full life; I have had everything one can ask for; and more. But now you all are gone and there is a big hole.
Come in my dream tonight and sing to me. I know you love me wherever you are; just let me see you one more time.
Love Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th November 2018
Dear Papa
Will you call to wish me a Happy Birthday this year? Last year you called and sent so many texts! A year before you forgot because you were very ill but a year before that you left me a 'Happy Birthday' - singing message on phone. Hope you will come in my dream and sing it to me...
There have been so many first's this year and each one is more difficult than the last. But then I don't think it ever gets easier.
I miss you two when I have something important happening and want to tell you; miss you when there is a far away restaurant I want to try out; miss you when I want to take a vacation... We did travel a lot together, didn't we? wish we could do it one more time...
You were here and now you are not... all four of you gone and I am still here. Feels a bit weird even now sometimes...
Missing you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 22nd November 2018
Dear Papa
I am thinking a lot about you today. You were in hospital on Thanksgiving Day last year and were in very bad condition. Now that I look back, I question often why I didn't take family leave to spend it with you. But at that time I didn't think that you would go away so soon and even though you were in bad condition, you always returned and bounced back. Also I was upset with you as you were not trying as hard as I thought you should to get up. I still think that you could have walked and fared much better if you really wanted to. But I also know now - because hindsight is 20x20 that it wasn't my call to make you do what I thought was good for you. I gave you all the tools that could make it possible for you to do better but I should also have respected your right to live as you felt fit. It would certainly have been better for me if you could walk again - but it wasn't my life to live.
And so, I am sorry for how I behaved and made you miserable.
It still haunts me when you wrote to me 'Can you help me die?'
Papa, this year Christmas will be harder than ever because you were all alone on this day and were miserable because you didn't get to send a balloon off for Mummy for your 59th anniversary. I promise to send one off to both of you on that day. Hope you will see it.
Papa, I miss you so much - so much more than I thought I would. Can you hear me when I call out your name?
Love you and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 21st November 2018
Dear Papa
Missed you on the cruise. I know how much you wanted to go and I regretted it too much not having tried to take you.
I tried to do the zip line for you, but I hope it counts that I went to step 3 before backing out for I was afraid. You would have done it - probably more than once!
Miss you so very much, Papa. I still see your tear-filled eyes on October 21st, last year when I left. Wish I stopped and gave you one more hug...
Hope you know how I miss you.
Love you your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 31st October 2018
Dear Papa
I sent your photobook to Andrew as a gift from you for his upcoming graduation - whenever it may be. I thought you would want that.
Papa, how to move on without you? I am so sorry that I didn't come last year at Christmas even though you asked me to. I was sick and also my heart was full of so much regret and guilt and pain to watch you suffer as much as you did. I tried but may be tried in wrong direction.
I miss you so much. Come back... Your daughter
Posted by Navneet Bansal on 31st October 2018
Time runs so fast .. It is 10 months when we lost chacha and going to have 8 months to mummy on 8th November. I read your tributes on forever missed just now with tears in my eyes. Can we ever forget our own regrets which we are not able to do with our parents . Me too have a lot. Now no body is there to excuse us . But as i know our parents have already excused us before they left for heavenly abode. Reason behind is they were large and brave heart. Papa told me just a day before his demise that . "Sorry i was unable to understand you earlier" It happened when he was watching me day and night around only with him for 2 continuous days . Papa was waiting for Bhaiya and Bhabhi to come from patiala . And as soon both reached he breathed his last . We both kokil and myself always regrets that before going she herself was so confident that she will be ok and comeback. In a day from hospital. At least papa spoke some words to me . But she was not able to give her blessing to me . Anyway . You still have maika in what ever manner I can. . I will keep on reminding you holi Deepawali and other festivity . This is Deepawali is on 7th decmbet
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th October 2018
Dear Papa
I thought of you this morning as I drove early in the morning - 10 months ago today I drove to bus stop just like today - not having a clue that you were not at Belmont anymore; that you laid all alone in your last hour and went without saying goodbye. I have often wondered how is it my heart didn't feel that it broke just as you breathed your last. I wondered what I was thinking about as I drove that Friday, December 29th at 5:30 in the morning. I was probably worrying about you - that was what I did - or was mad at you about something. Little did I know that I had been left without any roots earlier that morning. When you were there, I had a place to visit - a place to call 'mine' and a person to call 'mine'. You were my rock even in this condition; you gave me strength. It feels really strange that all four of you are now gone!
I have dreamt of you last week couple of times. You and I were going to work at the same place - something strange like that.
I know Mummy came for you that night and that is my only consolation. It gives me peace of mind and so I hope that it is true.
Papa, I wish I took you on that cruise you wanted badly to go. We could probably have done it with the help of a caregiver. I wish... I wish you pressed me more but you never asked for anything.
I have your paintings and I think I will scan them and have a quilt made of them. I think you would have liked that. I thought of you a lot at Dasharah this year - especially because you wrote that last 'status' in 2016 when you were all alone on this day at Artisan. I am so sorry that I left you alone but all these years since you and Mummy moved to Wisconsin, I haven't even known most of the times that it was Dasharah or Diwali. I didn't know it was Diwali when I came to see you on October 19th, 2017 - the last time we saw each other. So glad that we had that trip to Botanical Gardens. Thank you for sending me the pictures.
Missing you very much on this day. Love Your daughter
Posted by Timothy Gattenby on 6th October 2018
We always knew when it was Sushil's birthday. if fact on his first year with us in Adapted fitness I gave him a shirt. It might be the one in the picture on this tribute. He loved the attention and we loved to give it. I still have not pulled his workout file from the cabinet. I am content to just keep it there.
Posted by Navneet Bansal on 6th October 2018
It is almost 10 months that i have not heard your voice. Miss you a lot after you Ma has also gone. remembering you on your birthday today
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 6th October 2018
Happy Birthday, Papa
Last year I was in Williamsburg on this day. I called and talked with Jerri and she told me that you had a BIG smile on your face when you got up. She said you were doing okay. I am sorry I only texted you and sent a card. I was upset with you. I am so sorry, Papa... more sorry than you know. Last 6 months of your life were the most difficult for you and for me. I did not know how and what to do. Nothing was working and I felt very helpless in all ways possible. It is no excuse. I cannot undo anything. Just know that I loved (and love) you very much.
Now I don't know how to call you to wish you Happy Birthday... I brought food you like yesterday. Hope you are somewhere to see it. Give me a sign, Papa... I miss you so very much.
I watched the DVDs you made last night and heard voices of Babaji, Ammaji, Mummy's, Chachaji's, Pappu bhaiya;s and yours. I am so happy that you made those - one of these I had never seen before. It is a best gift you have ever given to me. How did you make all these with one hand? I am so proud of you and all you accomplished until the last minute of your life. So proud that you even learnt to paint. I know you enjoyed it. I have a plan for all your paintings... Will share it with you some day when it is done.
Love you Miss you on your day... Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th September 2018
Dear Papa
I thought of you last night around 11:30 my time - that you had probably just got in bed that night 9 months ago and were looking at your cell phone. You probably didn't know that you wouldn't wake up next day... I found the check that you wrote to cash for yourself on the 26th and just hadn't had the chance yet to get it to the bank. I am so sorry that Laura betrayed your trust and that you lost that last person you could call whenever you needed something. I think this and also because I was mad at you, broke your heart.
I know if doesn't do good to harp on things that cannot be undone but I just wish you didn't have to find out about Laura. You trusted her so much and I know she did do a lot for you. May be that was just payment for her services and it is good that now you owe her nothing. I hope that gives you peace wherever you are.
I just miss you so much... more than I can ever say or ever thought I would. I still relied on you lot more than I realized.
I am happy for the time we had together and last 5 years have been pretty concentrated around you and me. I miss that too.
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 25th September 2018
Dear Papa
Missed your call today. Missed a card from you both. Last card you sent me was in 2012 that both of you signed! It is still sitting where I can see it ever day. I told Chris earlier that 13 years ago today both our parents were around and other than Babaji and Ammaji not being with us, life was pretty complete. Babaji Ammaji would have been so happy to have been here that day. I wonder often now why Ammaji never came to be with us - what prevented her coming. From her letters it sounds like she was very willing to come. I often wonder about things like these. I miss you all so very much.
No one remembers our day anymore. No one cares anymore. Miss your voice but I can still here it on audio - still not the same as 'real' thing.
Did you know I would miss you so much? You knew I would but did you know that I would miss you this much?
I did get a present from you and Mummy today!! I know you are somewhere watching out for me. Got new Endowment portfolio and your pictures that Joann found from your volunteer time at St. Mary's. Dina sent those to me and I happened to have got them today. Mummy has a BIG smile on your face and you are looking happy to be there at the gift shop to start the day. What a present! Thank you both.
Love you Papa - wherever you are.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd September 2018
Dear Papa
Here's a photo of three years ago on September 8, 2015 when we left Mummy at the same spot as you - at least we hope it was close enough.
Because I wasn't there with you in the end, there can never be a closure for me. Still somehow it doesn't quite seem real that you are gone - at least it feels very strange that you are not there. But you are always with me now - in my heart. I know you know how much I needed you still...
I found something on one of your disks - I believe you were leaving a message to me. You knew just as Mummy did that I would have very hard time bearing your loss. Thank you for that...
Will see you some day.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 10th September 2018
Dear Papa
I hope that I have carried out things in a manner that you would approve. Last time for Mummy, you were there and even in your condition, you took care of everything and it was easier for me. But this time it was very difficult. Probably the most difficult thing that I would ever have to do. Now your loss feels really real. Letting go of what remained of you - the physical part - was very hard but had to do it... You would have wanted that. Leaving you at sea and coming back was hard. You wanted so much to go on one more cruise and I could not take you. But this one last time I brought you on a boat - a nice sunny and warm day - and left you at sea forever.
Driving back from there to drop Pandit Sureshji, I thought of you many times and held my cell phone in my hand - somehow hoping that you would call just like last time. Last time my cell was in the trunk and I didn't hear it ring when you called multiple times to find out where we were. And then later on you came to our room and spent couple of hours with me. This time you didn't. I don't know why - even though I know you are not around, I keep expecting a call or a text... And even after 5 whole years for Mummy and 8 months for you - still once in a while just have this momentary feeling to pick up the phone and call you and then I remember that I cannot.
But then you are in my heart and I can just talk to you whenever I want. I know all four of you are with me and will be always.
Still I miss you... miss you very much.
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 7th September 2018
Dear Papa
Here you go off to Clearwater - exactly 3 years since Mummy's time. You were there then to take care of things. Hadn't thought about at that time that this day will come so soon.
I want to keep you with me - or what physical remains are left - but I know you want to be with Mummy and too that I need to let you go. Not really letting you go though. You are a part of me or rather I am a part of you and you will live on as long as I do.
Will be seeing you in my dreams...
Give Babaji, Ammaji and Mummy a big hug for me and tell them I miss them very much.
Will be seeing you...
Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th August 2018
Dear Papa
For some reason I thought of that song you used to love and even sing in the good old days "Jane wo kaisai log thai jinkai pyar ko pyar mila... humnai to jab kaliyan maangi, katon ka haar mila...".
Oh, it has been ages since I heard you sing it!
Like you wrote on October 11, 2016 on Dashara - "All has changed"...
Will see you some day. I know all four of you will come for me when it is time.
Love you and miss you so terribly. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th August 2018
Dear Papa
I was just looking at the last card you sent me on my birthday last year and the photos that you printed on your printer from our October visit to the Botanical Gardens. I sent you photo paper to print those but I guess you never got the chance to do that. I wish I got a picture of me taken with you at the time but...
So many things remained unsaid and undone. So much regret. But yet I hope that you can now look down on us from wherever you are and see that both you and mummy live on in me and my memory and will live on forever in your legacy that will benefit so many.
Love you so very much. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 3rd August 2018
Dear Papa
I saw you in my dream Monday morning. You seemed younger and happier - though you still needed some kind of assistance - or at least I had a feeling that I needed to help you. But you seemed to be able to get around on your own and somehow you were sitting in Dad's chair and since he saw you sit there, he sat opposite you. Then you and he went out somewhere!
I saw you last night too - but it seemed like you were not able to see and you were trying to hide that from me. I woke up very worried about your eyes!
Papa, I miss you so much and keep thinking about the last time I saw you - only I didn't know it then that I would not see you again. We had plans to go to Botanical Garden again! I am so happy that we were able to take you there that one time and that you enjoyed it. I was surprised and in awe of the fact that you immediately took out your camera and started taking pictures even when you weren't feeling so well. But that were you!
Wish I could see you and talk to you one more time. I hope you can see how your book for Senior Center is coming along so well. Are you smiling?
Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 24th July 2018
Dear Papa
I thought I didn't have time for myself during last few days of your life (how could I have known that they were your last?). Now I have all the time and wish you would call me for something. Who would call me on my birthday this year and sing 'Happy Birthday... happy birthday...'. How your voice changed over the last few years. Even after Mummy, your voice was strong and you sounded well but as I listen to your messages on phone, I can tell that you were getting weaker and more and more sad...
Hope you can see how well your book is coming along for Sr. Center... I think you are smiling down...
Love you and miss you Your daughter.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 18th July 2018
Dear Papa Going to Belmont later today. You haven't called me yet and its almost 8! I left you sitting in the lounge on the night of October 21st and told you that I would see you next time... Wish I knew then... You had tears in your eyes and I didn't want to leave. And I never saw you again. I miss you so much; much more than I thought I would. Your legacy is all set - yours and mummy's and will go on and carry on your name to help so many. I hope that you approve. Love you and miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 16th July 2018
Dear Papa
I missed you a lot this morning. You used to call me at 7am and ask where I was and when I will get to Belmont. I used to get up very early and try to get there as soon as I could - so we could fight again :)... But you didn't call. For some reason I expected you to... You didn't come to pick me up yesterday. I used to wonder how Babaji could have gone away when he used to worry about me so much... But then Ammaji went, Mummy did and finally you. All gone... but not gone from my heart and never will - as long as I live. Both yours and Mummy's name will live on even after I am gone - we have made sure of it. Your legacy will make a difference. I hope that you both can see it from wherever you are. I will also make sure that Babaji and Ammaji's names also live on and help the cause that was closest to their hearts. Love you... Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th July 2018
Dear Papa
I called Belmont earlier and talked with Jerri. While waiting for her on phone listening to same music as before, I missed you a lot. I so badly wanted to ask her 'how is he doing today?' as I used to. But I knew... Toward the middle of December, there was a week when she almost always told me in answer to my question 'Today is not a good day...'. Papa, I really thought we still had at least couple of more years together. Now looking back, I wish I had taken some leave and stayed with you for a while. But we don't get to do it all over again, do we? If you knew that Babaji had so little time left when we left him in September of 1977 - seemingly healthy, you probably wouldn't have moved to US. Still when I think of these things sometimes, I have trouble breathing! I am thinking of those two times when you came to pick me up at the airport after you got your driver's license back. It felt like then that at least some part of old days was back again. But that was short-lived. I need your help... your hand... to do some of the things that I need to do now. I am missing you so much right now. I hope you knew that behind my anger and frustration was this sadness and helplessness of not being able to help you and make you happy again. You were very much needed. I need you still... Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 30th June 2018
Dear Papa Someone gave me Laddoo and Chamcham and Cazu burfi. I thought of you and how much you loved sweets! The entire year you never tasted food! But you never complained - at least not to me. Now I find so many things about you that I am amazed at and admire... Not that I didn't before - there were many and you were never a complainer about your problems - rarely you let us know what was bothering you, but now I have time to think about some of the things you could do and would not be able to! I miss you every day. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 17th June 2018
Dear Papa
Didn't know that last year was the last I could call you to wish you Happy Father's Day. I think at this time last year, things were looking a bit better even though so much was wrong. You were in Nursing Home where you should not have been... you could not eat anymore all those things you loved to eat. But you did make lemonade from the lemons that life gave you. You still found happiness in what you 'could' do without pining so much for what you (at least thought) 'could not' do.
Papa, I hope wherever you and Mummy are, you are happy for this Father's Day (and a belated Mother's Day) gift that Shailu and I are able to give you. It saddened me that there wouldn't be anyone to remember you once I stopped breathing. But now your name will live on for a very long time and will benefit many. I hope that you both approve of how we have made use of your legacy.
You are forever in my heart and always on my mind. I dreamed of you last night. While your voice was strong, it seemed that you were not well. Papa, I hope you are much better and are happy to be reunited with Mummy, Babaji, Ammaji and rest of the family. The dream disturbs me but I hope it wasn't true. I want to see you the way I saw Mummy once on 19th of April, 2015 when she and I took a walk in my dream. It started out with grey sky and trees without leaves but soon as we walked, the trees became full and there was sunshine. I took that to mean that she was telling me that she was now in much better place and was healthy again. That is what I want for you. I want to remember the picture I have in my head of her coming down in the early hours of December 29th last year and taking you by the hand and saying to you 'aab aa jao, chalo merai saath... Gudiya will be okay' - and you smiled a happy smile and slowly rose above.
Come and tell me that you are okay now and are happy.
Missing you very much Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 5th June 2018
Dear Papa
What would you like for Father's Day this year? May be you will inspire me with something that you would want... Please tell me...
Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th May 2018
Dear Papa
Missing you so much today on your 5 month anniversary - more than yesterdays... I wish you weren't alone and wish I knew what exactly happened that night. Wish we talked more...
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th May 2018
Dear Papa
Today my loss in complete - with all four sets of parents one can possibly have being gone now. I hope you are all together somewhere and happy. Not an hour goes by when I don't think of you. Especially last few days I have thought of you often. I don't have a closure as far as you are concerned. I will never really know what happened. First Father's day is coming and what should I do? I used to ask you what you would want but now I can't call you. May be you can come and whisper in my ear when I am asleep how you want me to celebrate your day. I hope you will inspire me once again with what it is that you would want. I miss you more than I ever imagined I will and I love you more than I thought I did. The time has gone by so quickly... just flown by... We were together just the last moment and now... Was it all a dream?
Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th May 2018
Dear Papa
This morning in my dream you, Mummy and I were at a restaurant somewhere and we ordered what looked like fried potatoes (may be tikki?)? -- your favorite.
I am just looking at the last birthday card you sent for me and another one that said 'hur beti kai bhagya mein pita hota hai; Hur pita kai bhagya mein beti nehi hoti' and you wrote after that 'So, I am lucky...'! Papa, I don't know whether you were lucky or not but I sure was. I hope that I was not a total failure at being your 'beti'. I tried Papa but I did not OR could not try harder. I should have... I MISS YOU!
Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 13th May 2018
Dear Papa I forgot to mention in yesterday's tribute the most important thing I remember when I think of you now - a man who gave so much more than anyone else would and sacrificed everything for his children and never ever reminded them of it when things went badly; a proud man who didn't like asking for things and even when his body wasn't cooperating, he tried his best to keep his independence and dignity. If ever I am in the situation you were in, Papa, I hope to take inspiration from you but I am not as strong as you and Mummy were. I need you - the four of you - more than I can say. I miss you very much today - on Mother's Day - you used to take pictures of the flowers I sent for mummy and email me. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 12th May 2018
Dear Papa On the Indian Head Bike Trail I thought of you many times. The last time I was on that trail last October you had called me multiple times and sent texts - "Call back"... "Please call back". I waited until I got home to call... I thought there was still time... And there wasn't. Hope you know how much I miss you and how much I loved you. I felt your pain even when I was mad at you. I wished I could take your pain away but I couldn't. I did what I could to make you walk again... but I was wrong. I should have honored what you wished because you were a very smart man - until the end... and you were stronger than I gave you credit for. Now when I look back, I see a man who made lemonade out of the lemon that life gave him... a man who did his best to enjoy his life as much as was possible... a man who laughed freely and had a big smile that everyone I talk to now remembers. If I am ever in your condition, I doubt very much that I would have the courage to ever smile again. I miss you. I wish you could come back just once so that I could give you a hug and tell you how much I love you. I believe you know now. I hope so... Love you Your daughter
Posted by Carly Wunrow on 7th May 2018
Words from Tim Gattenby: One happy memory about having known Sushil was that when he first signed up for the Adapted Fitness program, he actually either called me every week or actually showed up well before his programming ever started simply because he was so excited and so adamant about not missing the first day. Sushil was a hard worker, fun to work with and helped to train easily a hundred UW students about adapting exercise. At first glance Sushil would appear as being a smaller framed and fragile man. But this was far from the truth. In one class session I took a 20 lb weighted vest and I set it on Sushil's shoulders while he did his squats, gait training and balance exercises. The students working with Sushil were rather shocked that I would inflict this type of added weight on him. At the end of the session Sushil walked over with his cane, still having the weighted vest on and said to me, " put my name on that vest." In the next week's session on his return he came up to me first thing, and said "where's my vest!" We will all miss him.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 29th April 2018
Dear Papa Its been 4 months and a day since we last talked! We used to talk almost every day... I had a very vivid dream Friday night/Saturday morning. It is interesting that I remember it so well. Most of the times I can't recall them as clearly. You, Mummy and I were in some ship. I was talking with some people. You and Mummy got off the ship. By the time I noticed, the ship had already sailed and I hadn't gotten off!!! I tried to call you but my cell phone wouldn't work! I was so upset because I knew it will be a long distance before the ship will stop and that you would worry about me and that I didn't know how I would get back to you... Will I? Missing you very much Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 26th April 2018
Dear Papa Today is Babaji's day. Don't worry - I remember him and love him just as I ever did. He is always in my heart. I also keep his memorial site up to date. I am glad that you started it. If you are with Babaji - give him a BIG hug for me and tell him how much I miss him. He has been gone for 38 years! But never ever away from my heart and my memories... Love you and miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 19th April 2018
Dear Papa When I think of you, often I go back to that evening on October 21st last year when I turned around to look at you once before leaving Belmont. Somehow it is still not real to me that you are not there. What if you didn't have stroke? I often think about that. Wonder if that would have kept mummy around longer and whether she would have suffered more? I was thinking about lunch at Woodland the other day and was reminded of you wanting to eat there. But it was such a hot day and that place was overcrowded with lots of people standing in line outside the restaurant. I told you we would do it next time... for at that moment there was going to be a 'next time'... I hope you look down on me from wherever you are now and know my heart. I hope you saw Tim's comments in his newsletter and were happy and smiled to see you are still remembered and still are in so many hearts. Love you and Miss you. Your daughter
Posted by Chris Whelley on 5th April 2018
Dear Sushil and Family, I was so sad to hear of your passing. I remember you well from stroke camp. You were so kind and smart, interesting in all things. It was a pleasure to meet you and to be able to share time with you and Ashish. Thank you for your participation, it was a great inspiration to us all. Rest in peace my friend.
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 31st March 2018
Dear Papa Just came back from biking. Thought of you often. This was the first one since when I could call you or you could call me. I often either called or texted you or talked to someone at Belmont about you... It is too hard being on my own now. Mummy always used to worry and from what Chris told me you too were worried about me... I know this is the way it is supposed to be but it is too hard. I miss you so much. Not being able to call you anymore is hard. Thinking of you not being at Belmont is hard... Thinking of having abandoned you at Belmont is too hard and hardest of all is not being able to be there for Mummy when she needed me the most... not being able to protect her. I can never ever forgive myself for failing her. You take care of her now. Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 31st March 2018
Dear Papa First day of outdoor biking today - I am thinking of that day not so long ago in October when we were on bike trail and you called so many times on both of my phones and texts. This was after the Turp and you were a bit confused/anxious? You were worrying about the doctor's appointment. You suffered so much and yet whomever I talked to who knew you for any length of time always remembers your 'big smile' as the first thing they remember! I miss you and love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 28th March 2018
Dear Papa I talked to you just about at this time via text exactly three months ago - for the last time! Who knew? I miss you so much that it hurts. I see your photograph and it almost doesn't seem real. I don't think it will ever be real for me, not totally, that you are not there anymore. I didn't see you off. Miss you so very much. Love you, Papa Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 23rd March 2018
Dear Papa Missing you a lot today, don't know why - but... Where have you gone??? You were my last link to my roots and you are gone without a word to me. All these years... were you really here with me, with us? I was just looking at your picture I took at the airport when you and Mummy dropped me off in December 2012 after Christmas. You look so real! Just about 5 years from that date you went away. Will I see you again? I want to believe it. Want to believe in anything that promises that I will see you, Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji again. Without the four of you I am at a loss. For some reason this was not something I could have imagined! Love you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 17th March 2018
Dear Papa I repeated once again in frustration on December 27th, 2 days before you went away with Mummy that "I don't know how to do this. I have no time for myself. I spend all my time talking / fixing things about you with doctors, CGs..."... Now I have all the time to myself and wish you were here to claim some of it. You were angry with me, I know... That's why you just went away without so much as a phone call or text... But I did do my best and I did love you very much... just as I do today. I hope you know now... Love you and Miss you Your daughter
Posted by Sandhia McLeod on 11th March 2018
Dear Papa I saw you in my dream on the night of 9th - two days ago. First time you were the way you were before you were gone. You were at home and I was trying to give you a bell so that you could ring it if you needed someone to help. You were arguing with me just as you used to, telling me how you didn't need the bell. Then little later what I thought was a continuation of that dream, I thought I heard some noise in your room. Thinking that you had fallen, I ran in but when I got there, I saw Mummy... and I saw you! You were dressed in your blue suit and tie and were standing there smiling a happy smile! It gave me some peace. May be you are letting me know that you are okay now. That evening when I came home, I called out for you - 'Papa... papa...' as I do sometimes when no one is listening - to make sure I don't forget the sound of this beloved word. May be you heard me. Some times my cell phone beeps and when I look, there is nothing - no email, text, phone call... May be you reach out to me sometimes. I don't know, I just want to believe it because it makes me feel better. Papa, when you were around even though I tried to imagine but really couldn't imagine how it will be when you are gone - just as in Mummy's time. But now I am left all alone without anyone with whom I grew up. In my imagination, I go back to that home in Vijaynagar and wander around - all by myself; all four of you gone! It makes me very sad. But what really makes me most sad is the thought that after me, there won't be anyone who will remember and think of Babaji, Ammaji or Mummy. When you were here, I could talk to you about them; I could be with you when we sent off a balloon for Mummy together. But now I am all alone in remembering them. How someone who was 13+ at the time cannot remember two people who would die for them, is beyond me - but that is the way it is. You - Shailu will probably remember you but that is where it will end. We were such a close family - whatever has happened to it? I am not afraid of dying and I hope and wish to die before Chris. The only thing that makes me sad about me dying is that after me at least three of the four of you will be forgotten. My only hope is that some day some strangers will come across these pages and will see how much you were all loved; and how lucky I was to have been born in this family that gave me so much love. Babaji and Ammaji gave me so much and loved me so much that no amount of riches could make me want to have been born elsewhere. Remember when Babaji brought samosas for me at St. Thomas when the practicals lasted much longer. Everyone talked about it! But in the end we weren't there for them. Both of them needed us and would have felt easier if we were there since we were together all our lives. Wish I did better by Mummy's side. Wish I knew how much she needed me before it was too late. And you, I tried my best... I did. I love you but you were very hard-headed and you didn't make good use of the help I tried to provide. I don't know why... I am still asking that question - 'why?' I know I made you miserable with my constant pestering about exercises but I did what I thought was best. It didn't turn out to be that way but I wasn't to know it then. Would you have been happier if I left you alone? I don't know. I am grateful that you went in your sleep and didn't suffer more than you already did. I am glad that you were able to do things that you enjoyed - at least some of them - until the end. I am glad that you didn't end up on some machine support to wait for the end to come. But I miss you so very much... Love you Your daughter

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