ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of my father, Sushil Bansal, 84, born on October 6, 1933 and passed away on December 29, 2017. He will live on in our hearts forever.

My father was suffering from complications due to stroke and since June this year after a surgery he started to have more problems. While he suffered with multiple issues this year, it appears that he went to sleep on the night of December 28th and just didn't wake up and went peacefully. He was at Belmont Nursing Home in Madison, Wisconsin at this time and had been there for little less than a year.

He was born in Meerut, India, the son of Dr. Dhanpat Rai and Smt. Prakash Vati (Goyal) Gupta. He married Saroj Rastogi on December 25, 1958, in Mawana, India. It was an arranged marriage. They saw one-another for the first time after they were married! They were rarely ever apart until my Mom passed away on September 8, 2013. My father was an accountant by profession. He had a Masters in Mathematics. His first job was as a teacher at a school in Meerut but soon he found a position working as an accountant for the Government Of India. He always worked very hard and no matter how difficult the situation became, he never let any of know that there were problems. In 1977 we moved to the United States and he worked with the Embassy of India in Washington DC for four years. Eventually he resigned from the Government Service and stayed on here so that we, the children could have a better life. After living in Maryland for 23 years they moved to Madison, Wisconsin along with his son's family.

He has always been the quiet one; most comfortable with papers, figures, computers but at the same time he did have a witty sense of humor. He always enjoyed a challenge – learning a new skill like web site development, mastering photography, creating projects on Shutterfly. He loved taking walks. My parents used to take regular a mile walk at least once a day, no matter how cold it was. They both loved to travel. We travelled a lot together both in India as well as here in the States. We went on a Cruise many years ago and this became his favorite way of vacationing. He was very actively involved with Indian American Association in Madison. He loved playing Bridge and created a Bridge Group at the Fitchburg Senior Center. He also volunteered there for various activities including exercise program. He was supposed to teach Exercise class there a day after he had his stroke on February 14, 2013. Stroke left his left side weak. He loved working with the therapists and worked very hard to gain his strength back. He joined Adaptive Fitness class at the UW Natatorium offered by Tim Gattenby in Summer of 2013 and attended every session until the Fall of 2017 when he was too ill and weak from several complications due to Stroke. He loved this class; loved working with the students who doted on him; found a wonderful friend in Tim who went out of his way many times to help and work with my Dad. My Dad was very much looking forward to starting this class again on January 30th, 2018, but... He was definitely a fearless and adventureous soul.

His final year was spent at Belmont Nursing Home and Rehab. He was happy there and actually considered it second best place to home. Special thanks to Gail, Jerri, Essa, Pam, Chad, Joan and Katie who went out of their way many times to make his life a bit easier; and to the Activities Staff for discovering an artist in my father who had never before used a paint brush.

He is survived by his Son, Ashish; daughter-in-law, Gauri; grand-daughters, Priya and Pramita; daughter, Sandhia; and son-in-law, Christopher. He was preceded in death by his parents (Dr. Dhanpat Rai Gupta and Smt. Prakash Vati); 3 brothers – two older (Rajendra Kumar Bansal and Sukumar Chandra Bansal) and a younger one (Subodh Kumar Bansal); his wife and my Mom, Saroj Bansal and his older sister-in-law, Bala Bansal.

March 21
March 21
Dear Papa

I had cappuccino today since the time you made it - in 2013 after your stroke, I think you made it once... I know for sure you made it in December 2012 when I was there. It wasn't as good because I am kind of doing it from memory and I never actually made it because this was your thing. 

"Papa, coffee piyogai?" - that's all I had to say and you would be off - never lazy about it.  Three of us - you, Mummy and me - we used to love it. I thought of Mummy - she always liked cashews with it. 

I miss your coffee... I miss you...

I regret to say that I cannot get your cappuccino machine to work as I destroyed it. I neglected to clean it after using it couple of times and it calcified. I tried to get someone to fix it but not sure what they did, it came back spilling lots of black stuff and now it refuses to work at all. Few years ago when it stopped working, I managed to find someone who was selling theirs's (exact same model), i bought it. But I never used it in the hopes that I could still get yours's to work. But I have to give up on it. I can still use some of the parts from your machine, so that is some consolation. 

So I opened that machine today and was pleasantly surprised that it worked! Coffee didn't quite taste as good as yours. Also it was much more enjoyable thing to do in the afternoons after lunch with you and Mummy. Chris is not a coffee person - so I tried it by myself. Your memories were with me, so at least there was that.

I am sorry that I broke your machine. You were so fond of it - so fond of coffee and actually liked making it :) Egg-curry is another thing of yours's that I miss. 

Holi is around the corner. We hadn't celebrated any of these holidays together in a long time even when you both were around. We were so bogged down with all the problems. I was telling Chris earlier today that both his as well as mine, mothers, lost quarter of a century being severely ill. All four of you were so devoted to God - even until the end - and had faith in him. I think Tauji was also very devoted. Where does this faith come from, I am trying to understand. Did any of you ever question what kind of God would bring about such pain and suffering those who believe in a God? I try to tell myself that if you all had such faith, then there must be a God somewhere. While I don't condone the pain he brought about to you all, I tell myself that he was the one who gave me such a loving environment to grow up in. There are so many who don't have what I have had and still do. I try to think of the dreams I have had of you and what I consider 'signs' that you are somewhere at peace whenever I feel sad.

I just wanted to share the coffee experience with you.

And while I am talking to you, the little cutting you sent me that said "her beti kai Bhagya mein pita hota hai, per her pita kai Bhagya mein beti nehi hoti" and you signed it with "and so I am lucky... -- Papa". I don't think that it is true that "her beti kai Bhagya mein pita hota hai" -- there are some who have a "pita" but just in name. So I am lucky too - for being part of you and for having your blood through my veins and for the love you bestowed on me all your life. I don't know whether you were lucky. I didn't take care of you, so how can you be? You said that when you were in the nursing home. I wonder why you still loved me.

Life keeps moving forward. I wish I could go back even if for just a few moments - like the moment I had one evening when I dozed off and was momentarily at the Vijayanagar home in my room and then I woke up with such a jilt! It was very real; real enough that I still feel it when I think of it. As real as Mummy's voice sounded a few months ago when she called my name...

I miss you always...
With each one of you a part of me has gone; so how can I be the same now?

Love you
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Papa

Last time I wrote to you on the 12th, I said that I wished I would see you in my dream...

Perhaps you were listening... of course you were... I know you are always with me in spirit... in my heart. So I had a beautiful dream full of jugnu and butterflies and the house in Thapar Nagar. It was out of this World as the jugnu and butterflies fluttered about me. I heard Babaji's voice and have a feeling that Mummy was there too. So I am sure both you and Ammaji were there as well. I woke up happy... At least for today I will try to not think of you with sadness and regrets... just memories of happy years we had together...

You are somewhere safe and peace, I know...
Thank you for the beautiful dream!

I love you always.
Your daughter
March 12
March 12
Dear Papa

Whenever I am on the bike trail, I think of the time you left me a text message "call back. Please call back". You had tried calling me and not finding me you left that message that still brings tears in my eyes.

So if I were to text you "call back. Please call back", will I get a response from you? I wish...

We all had such a good and happy life until mummy's illness and other disasters and life was never the same again. The latter part was so long that it have to make an effort to think of all those happy years. But I do try. I hope you are happy somewhere and I don't want to sadden you by being sad.

You all were all I needed and now you are just memories and I want to just remember the happy years. I wish I dreamt more of you but it's been a while. 

Just wanted to tell you what I was thinking of while biking today. 

With all my love
Your daughter
February 13
February 13
Dear Papa

You and mummy once sent me a card that read "No matter where we are, you are always in our hearts".

Am I? Still? 
I hope so. 

I found this card couple of years ago on my birthday. I keep it where I can always see it.  It makes me happy.

Today is the 11th anniversary of your stroke. At this time today 11 years ago you were probably thinking about the exercise class you were to lead the next day at the senior center. But what actually happened was unthinkable.  In my mind I go over it many times, 'what ifs" and "if only", but it is of course in the past. I would change it, and many other things, if I could.

Perhaps there is an alternate universe...

For now " you are always in our hearts" has to suffice and this thought makes me smile.

Love always
Your daughter
January 8
January 8
Dear Papa

I will always need you. While I miss you all so much, I am very lucky to have all these memories to cherish. Not many are as lucky as I am. 

You gave us your all wanting nothing in return.
You said "All daughters have a father; not all fathers have a daughter; and so I am lucky." -- for someone who didn't find it easy to show his emotions, this brings tears in my eyes every time I see it or think of it.

I was lucky....

Love you for all you were and for all you will always be to me.
Your daughter
December 29, 2023
December 29, 2023
Dear Papa

Chris is pretty sure that it was the 29th when you left us. In my mind it was on the 28th. I will never know and it makes me very sad. But this is just another thing I would have to live with. 

The only sure thing I know is that I learnt you were gone by about 6am today 6 years ago when going to work on a bus! Chris said that Belmont called and left a message to call back at 2am. Chris remembers that they looked in on you around 11 but I don't have any way of knowing whether you were gone by then or not.

After those four intense years how is it possible? You were not an orphan but went out like one - the only one in the family who was all alone, abandoned - on a special day in so many ways. 

I miss you so much. You don't appear in my dreams any more for a long time. Ammaji used to say that she thought Babaji was angry with her when he passed and that was why he never appeared in her dreams. But that was impossible. I don't think Babaji was ever angry with her. And I don't think that you were ever angry with me - disappointed at times, yes, but never angry. I still need you and hope to see you in my dreams some time.

Love you
Your daughter
December 28, 2023
December 28, 2023
Dear Papa

Strange, isn't it, where life takes one?  From your beginning, the family we were, to how it came to an end, who would have imagined? 
It would have been unthinkable, the thought of a nursing home! You, who sacrificed everything for us...

How all this came to be, is difficult to think about and shameful to own it. We failed you and mummy, there's no doubt. Today on this day when we lost you 6 years ago, I go through the years gone by in my mind's eye and it still feels strange that you are no longer here. 

I miss arguing with you:) Miss seeing your smile. Miss the "home" that you were, the comfort! I listen to the voices of babaji and ammaji and wonder at the simplicity of that life... It was simple, simple things made everyone so happy and we loved each other beyond reason. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. But it was. It was our life together and I feel grateful. Grateful for having been blessed with so much love.

So I think of you today, as I do every day. Though lately thoughts of babaji and ammaji have occupied my mind more than you and mummy. All those letters have brought so many suppressed memories back. I sometimes wonder those two were so innocent and simple and loving and all we gave them was tears in their eyes. Babaji's eye were full of tears fir the entirely of 2 years and almost 8 months until he left us with one unfulfilled wish. And ammaji!! 14 years after him was so different from anything she had known in her entire life with babaji.

So other than me who gained by our coming here and leaving them all alone?

Wish you were here to talk about all this and reminisce about the days gone by.

Now I just hope that you are happy and are smiling your big smile up there somewhere with everyone.

Wish peace for you.

Remembering you today and always.
Your daughter

December 24, 2023
December 24, 2023
Dear Papa

Wonder what you and the whole family was doing 65 years ago today.
I know what you were doing 6 years ago - desperately wanting to release a balloon for Mummy from her bench but alone in a nursing home, probably feeling abandoned and un-needed. You were not "not needed". Hope you know that now, wherever you are - and are at peace in some sunny place where time is irrelevant. 

Happy Anniversary Eve, Papa and Mummy.
Love
Your daughter
December 20, 2023
December 20, 2023
Dear Papa

I remember that one hospital visit in 2016 before all those tunes were inserted, you held my hand so tight because you were convinced that your time here was over. And that other time when all you wanted was to check out of hospital and eat something at your favorite Indian restaurant, because again that seemed, and indeed it was, last opportunity when you could possibly take something by mouth. You never once complained, the entire year of 2017, about wanting and missing your favorite foods. And you did enjoy food. It was a testimony to the strength of your character that you suffered through all things with smile. A smile that everyone remembers you by.

Another year without you is about to pass. Unfortunately for us the happy years were pretty much over by 1993 with mummy's diagnosis and so many other Unfortunate events. Her smile was stolen and she felt defeated. And that began the downfall. I still try to remind myself of happy times when we were happy in simple things, took vacations all over, celebrated all little things that came our way. I am reminded of the simplicity of our lives in India and how ammaji babaji and we four lived together, never feeling anything was missing in our lives though we had so much less than we do now.

This year on your day I will just think of how strong and brave you were and how much you gave up for your children without asking for anything in return. Perhaps that will be the best tribute I can offer.

Your memorial funds are going strong. Jill remembers you and you are still very much respected at the senior center.

Your legacy lives on. And will live on, I have made sure of that.

I only wish and hope that you will smile at me in my dream to let me know you are happy somewhere. That you are no longer here, still comes as a shock to me. But you are still in my heart, forever as long as I live, safe and happy.

Remembering you...
Your daughter
December 10, 2023
December 10, 2023
Dear Papa

Another year without you...

I didn't know when I gave you that hug that it was the last one.
If I knew, I would have hung on to you little longer.
I remember the tears in your eyes... of not being able to come out of your own skin... of having been abandoned... of missing Mummy and the life you two had and created... of losing everything.

I wasn't there in the end. So what does it matter of all those other times when I came? Nothing.... 

It hurts so much.

I have had everything a person could ever want or need. But the hole left by the suffering of all of you whom I loved so deeply will stay on until I too am gone. And I did love you all very much even though I made many mistakes and few just from being selfish. 

I hope you know. I hope you all know.

Love
Your daughter
December 1, 2023
December 1, 2023
Dear Papa

I hope you all had a happy day together to celebrate Babaji Ammaji's wedding anniversary today.
Chris says that if I were 47 light years away and had a most powerful telescope, something like JWST, I will be able to see us all together as we were in 1976 in our home at Meerut - happy together...

It is a happy thought. Perhaps some day after I am long gone, it will be possible.
But not today.
Still it is enough to know that it is possible - if we had all this technology.

Missing you so very much
Your daughter
November 17, 2023
November 17, 2023
Dear Papa

I think about you every day. Even more on days that are special. Yesterday I got the 2024 calendar in mail. You used to love these but I don't know how to send these to you now. Can you see it as I flip through the pages? I hope you can. I hope you are somewhere.... happy... smiling as you almost always did.
I sent one to Jill as usual and she wrote back:
"
Thanks again for the 2024 calendar. It warms my heart to see your parent’s memory kept alive here at the Center! I put the calendar out near our footcare room so folks can use it to schedule their upcoming appointments!
"
I would like to go back to Madison and see her at least once before she retires because at some point she will. The Senior Center continues to hold classes and activities paid for partly by both of your Memorial funds. The Bridge group is still going strong - something that you set up and is your legacy there.


Here's part of an article by Sana Sparks that says so beautifully that I would have liked to say but haven't the talent of being poetic and being able to truly express what I want to convey.

==============
The hardest thing during the bleak midwinter, no matter who you are, or who has left a void, is that reality. There is a huge hole in the season when you were once happy with people being in your life, who aren’t anymore. You are forgetting things you thought you’d never forget. And you can’t ease that emptiness with remaining memories you never thought would be painful.
=============

I feel like I have forgotten some important moments and wish you were here to reminisce with. Now I find all sorts of questions to ask you but it is too late.

We were biking yesterday and I asked Chris if he thought you could ride the trike even with the bad leg. He said possibly if we tied the food to the paddle somehow so it didn't slip. But he wondered whether you would have liked to ride. I am sure you would have - especially to compete with me :)

What I wouldn't give to be able to walk with you just one more time. I suppose I do walk with you because you are never further than my heart and I am glad for the memories - all happy ones as well as not-so-happy ones - they are all part of my life and were part of ours.

Wish you could see my paintings. -- Inspired by you and Chris...
I attached a picture of one of your paintings to the memorial candle for Jill's Mom. It looks lovely.

Thinking of you always.
Love
Your daughter
October 17, 2023
October 17, 2023
So loving , so caring you was with me with full regards from my side also to you . I remember you today and always . Seen pains which you faced by your own near and dear you shared a lot with me . I still remember when you started crying on a phone call to mummy . That expresses how much pain you was having those last days or your . Your help to me in my some bad days can not be forgotten by me . My parents were insulted some time by younger generation but you always extended your regards to my parents . I don't know what happened to 10-15 woolen trousers and shirts which you stiched via me from Lucknow ? That was the intimacy between you and me which must people don't know and understand.
Stay cheerful wherever you are . I wish to continue relationship with your family and my parents family but it is very unfortunate that it is broken inspite both are staying saat samundar paar..
October 17, 2023
October 17, 2023
Chacha may you rest in peace . Hope this will reach you befor being removed 
October 16, 2023
October 16, 2023
Dear Papa

I cannot seem to be able to bring myself to finish reading and digitizing Babaji and Ammaji's letters. So few left now - maybe just 4 or 5. There must have been many more from Ammaji between 1980 and 1994 but I have very few. 

I regret not going through your boxes in Madison when you were around. I am sure that many of the letters were there but they would all have been destroyed by now. At the time you were there and just like Mummy's time, it seemed that you would be there and I wasn't thinking about life after you. Short-sighted but I suppose it is the way brain protects one - I don't know. But this is another one in the list of my regrets that I did not look through your things that were at the house you thought was yours once. Sad, how things turn out. 

I find it hard to read these letters - the remaining ones - because these are from the times when Ammaji lost all hopes of us being together again. She never complained, and always told us to not worry and I wonder at her strength; and at our willingness to only look out for ourselves and the betrayal with which we forgot our promise to Babaji. I suppose as parents people always think "not our children", but time and time again they are proven wrong - most of the times - definitely in our family. 

But I have to read these and finish the work so that I can get a book printed. I lack the strength and the pain is physical as well as emotional. I will finish it once I am done with the 2024 Calendar. Haven't begun working on that yet. I feel lack of motivation to do it. You used to love them and you are not here... But I will continue with them as a dedication to the memory to both our parents and grandparents. Difficult though...

The World is on fire these days and perhaps it is for the best that you all are gone. I cannot imagine having gone through the pandemic in your time. You to were not the most careful people and I would have had several heart attacks worrying. Worrying is what I do best. 

Do you know that you inspire me to paint. Wish I could share my masterpieces (!) with you. Maybe you see them as you all seem to be keeping a watch over me. I wish you had more time to practice your art. I am still amazed at how motivated you remained until the end to learn new things and to embrace life with whatever it threw on you.

Dashahara is upon us again - and I think of that last note you left when you were at Artisan - "I am alone, no house, no nothing..."... it broke my heart to read it and it pains me every time I think of it. I have it and perhaps I will start a new book this year starting with that note of yours. 

I look out the window and suddenly an image of you and Mummy walking and smiling at me through it comes to mind. Miss our walks...
Miss our time together...
Miss your smile...
Miss our arguments even... at least you were there then to argue with.

Maybe some day in some other universe...


Love always
Your daughter








October 9, 2023
October 9, 2023
Dear Papa

I gave away all of your clothes and other things that belonged to you - mostly to the Senior Center and few to the caregivers at Belmont. Your brand new jacket that you loved...

I was opening up some boxes today and found some of your things - clothes, your denture cleaning machine and few other things. I don't seem to be able to part with those. Every time I asked you if you wanted me to bring them over to Madison, you told me not to and to keep them there. So I will keep them as long as I am around. I almost picked up your denture cleaning machine to give away but just could not. 

You wanted me to keep them, so I will. Your dark blue shirt that you really liked!

Not that I need things to remind me of you, but I suppose in a strange way it reminds me that you were real and that you were here. Strange thing to say... I am a living proof that you were here but an activity like this brings back more memories like snapshots frozen in time.

I am happy that I have these things.
I am happy that I belong to you.

Love always
Your daughter
October 6, 2023
October 6, 2023
Merai Papa

Time passes so quickly!!
You came, played your game, created your story and now gone 6 years... in a blink of an eye... or so it seems.

Life is too short... though it may seem long sometimes.

Where are you?? Is there a place where you are? Mummy? Babaji ammaji? Other beloved people? I want to believe and so I do that you are somewhere, healthy and happy.

I miss you so very much.
Happy birthday, hope you know my heart. Wherever you are.

Love always
Your daughter
October 5, 2023
October 5, 2023
Dear Papa

Your 90th Birthday tomorrow...

When I opened your memorial, the first picture came up was that of your 75th Birthday, you holding the big cake, smiling, and Mummy and Pramita with you - at the Fitchburg Senior Center. 

You look happy and healthy.
Stroke was the farthest thing from anyone's mind in your future.
But we won't think about those things for the moment.

Have saffaid rasgulla for you and me tomorrow; Chris will have croissant. Maybe I will get pizza since you liked it. We used to always go for lunch to celebrate your day. You liked Shahi Paneer. I will get it next time we get Indian food. But tomorrow we will celebrate your day with pakori and saffaid rasgulla.

Papa, I miss you so much. I had to look up something in your address book this morning and found that note you wrote on Dashara when you were sent to Artisan nursing home. That was the worst. The note is heart breaking. Even for people in nursing home family does come around on special days. The fact that you wrote it tells me how heart broken you must have been at that time. Did you cry? Did you call out for Mummy and me? I am so sorry how things turned out. Chris and I were talking about it just last Friday and he said if he had bought a bigger house, they could have come and stayed with us - at least for longer periods of time. But it is all ancient history now. Can't go back and fix anything.

Time has moved on...

Life has moved on... though the hole in my heart remains and will always.

Love you and miss you.
Happy pre-Birthday day Papa.

Your daughter

September 26, 2023
September 26, 2023
Dear Papa

Are you all smiling and enjoying Babaji and Ammaji's day. Babaji's 125th and Ammaji's 117th birthday...

Hope you all are together and at peace.
Hope there is sunshine and happy flowers and beautiful rainbows where you are.

I miss you so much that it hurts.
It hurts much more to think of that fateful day when you left us... left this World... and were all alone at the time when at least I should have been there holding your hand. If only... if only I was there as I had resolved to never leave you alone in town and to be there when others were not. You told me "yehan per safe hai" - but it wasn't; was it? I should have been there. It pains me so deeply. You were not without family and your last hour - your last travel should not have been the way it was - lonely and ... I shudder to think and try not to think so much of it. I try to only remember you healthy... and I do - whenever I think of you, only your healthy and smiling face comes to mind. But at the same time I cannot erase the image of that day....

You should not have been left alone... especially on a holiday and on your most important day - you wedding anniversary when you missed Mummy so much and were so sad for not being able to send up a balloon to her in the heavens.


No, you should not have been alone. It was too important a day...

But today let me not think of it... I will try to think of the happier years when we were together in Meerut... everybody healthy and happy - at least reasonably so.


Your memory is like a garden...
full of beautiful flowers and a
  sweet fragrance lingers...
The bench is there where,
  Mummy and I once sat.
I fell asleep and felt the four of you,
  pouring your blessings on me.
You smiled that beautiful smile I miss...
  And I was on the clouds in an eternal embrace,
   of all who have loved me.
And I wake up to find a few rose petals,
  with dew drops on them shining in the sun.
And I know you were all there...
And I smile and thought heard your laughter too...


Love
Your daughter
September 14, 2023
September 14, 2023
Dear Papa

You and I would have gone to Mummy's bench (which is now both yours) and sent a balloon up to her... You are not here to do this with me and it just isn't the same without you - so I don't do it. I hope you are celebrating this day with her now and are happy.

I miss you so much! Time is flying by and you have been gone almost 6 years now! Mummy, 10! Babaji Ammaji and others a lifetime ago, it seems. But on the other hand everything seems like yesterday. I think it is a blessing that I have such vivid memories of those wonderful years- even if some of those were not good - but we were together then. Just the memory of being in the same room with you is so comforting - it is hard to explain.

I know you used to hope, after Mummy, that some day you will both be reborn and meet one another again. But I hope you are not reborn. I hope that you are somewhere together for eternity and are past all the suffering that comes with life and is part of life. 

I hope you are happy...
and smiling...

Love you
Your daughter
September 7, 2023
September 7, 2023
Happy Janmashtami, Papa...

"I run down the memory lane, because I know I will find you there" -- anonymous.


Love you always
Your daughter
September 3, 2023
September 3, 2023
Dear Papa

Today, 46 years ago, you brought us here.
Would you have still done it if you knew of the heartaches and pain it would cause to all we loved and to ourselves?

Now that you are not here and my days are not filled with worries and how-tos - about you and Mummy, they have been now filled with long gone memories and wishes to go back somehow and fix things and what-ifs...

It doesn't help, I know.

When I use my newly acquired coloured pencils and I paint, I think of you and how you were so excited about learning to paint - even at that terrible point in your life. How did you manage to look forward to things at that time? It is a source of both wonder and inspiration to me.

I wish you were here to enjoy things with us. Sometimes I think of Babaji and Ammaji being here and how Ammaji would look at things with wonder and that pride and enthusiasm in her voice!

I am grateful for all I have been given in life, however undeserving I have been. And I know that you still watch over me.

Wish I could see you again - just one more time...

Love
Your daughter
August 31, 2023
August 31, 2023
We think of you often and have such fond memories of you as well as your family.
August 30, 2023
August 30, 2023
Dear Papa

We have a neighbor over for lunch yesterday. They are 88 and 80 - reminded me of you. You would have been only 2 years older than him. We were talking about hobbies and they asked me what I like to do. I told them that I have been learning to paint. They asked to see what i had done so far. They took such an interest in looking at my work - it made me think of you and Mummy... I would have shown them to you. Mummy would have told me how much she liked them; you would have been competitive and probably tried to out-do me :)

I miss that... I miss being able to share what I have been upto. 
I miss not being able to ask all the questions about our family that I never had the chance to - given that the last 25 years of Mummy's life was spent so much dealing with her illness. But I want to know so much... and it is too late now...


I miss your smile... so much so that thinking of it brings tears to my eyes.
And I also think of all those no-so-happy times when I was frustrated with you and they fill my heart with deep pain...

When we go biking, I think of you and think of how much you would have enjoyed riding the trike... 

Miss you always.
Love
Your daughter



August 13, 2023
August 13, 2023
Dear Papa,

I look at the photos of you taken with ammaji and babaji when you were returning after your 1979 visit. The hug they gave you says everything proving a picture is worth a thousand words. I can just imagine them saying "Beta, jaldi wapus aa jao". But they never said or asked for anything. Everything has changed for them at that time with Babaji's illness and yet they were worried about us. And I wonder how you could have dealt with the grief all by yourself. You never shared what hurt you or bothered you until the end. Only once when Shailu left to go to Wisconsin with his family that mummy told me you cried. And once I made you cry because I said something mean when you two were with me I. Greenbelt. I regretted it very much then and everything I think of it. You have never said any unkind word to me, ever. You just smiled...

In a later letter after losing babaji, ammaji once wrote "tum sabon ki bahut yaad aati hai..." and talked about how much she missed him. They were so selfless, both of them!!

I am remembering the first time I came to Belmont. You had told everyone there "my daughter is coming". I imagine how sad you must have been then for having been left at a nursing home, but you never showed and never complained.

Just smiled...

I miss that Big smile...
Miss you very much...
August 13, 2023
August 13, 2023
Dear Papa

I wish I could go to Clearwater with you this year - to mark Mummy's 10th...
Somehow the loss is just a bit more bearable when I just even think of the two of us being there on the boat.. sending her flowers... sending her "until then..." balloon.

I wish...
I hope you are at peace now and are with Mummy, Babaji and Ammaji and all the rest of the family.

I miss you
     very much.
Love
Your daughter
July 16, 2023
July 16, 2023
Dear Papa

While I remember your BIG smile like so many others do, I also keep thinking of that last day we were together - October 21st, 2017 and how sad, full of tears and sadness and the helplessness-of-it-all your eyes looked. We had a nice trip to the Botanical Garden and later Chris, and I took you to a small park close to Belmont and I remember looking at you and can never forget how you looked at that moment. You, who were so full of energy and always on a run - now bound to a chair - all in just one night.

And then that last hug... You started to cry and as I left you, how I wished I could run back and make you well again. I tried - more than I have ever tried for anything in my life but there was that factor of missing Mummy and what a hole it left in your heart - I did not pay enough attention to. 

I wonder if ...
I don't know - I wonder about a lot of things and play out several scenarios and visit lots of parallel universes. 
But the fact is, in our universe this is how things happened and I don't get to go back and make corrections. I tried to make the right choices but have failed many times - have failed you - and Mummy - and Babaji Ammaji. Keep coming back to a word Tauji used "Vishwaghat" - that Babaji was a victim of few times in his life by people he trusted most. Did we not do the same thing to him? I read their letters and even Ammaji's that she wrote after Babaji was gone, it surprises me to no end that never did they ever complain and/or talked about how much they were suffering. Instead they constantly worried about us and our problems! You two were the same. I now try and stop myself when I try to complain about anyone. No one owes me anything. I owed much to all four of you.

Is there a place where we will meet again? You used to say that you were sure you would meet Mummy again somewhere in next life and though you may not recognize one another, you would be together again. I wonder if you are reborn somewhere. For my part, I hope you are not and that after this life we will all be together again in some other place - in some other universe or in some other star. I want so much to hug each of you - even if just for one moment.

I miss you all so much.
Funny, Babaji wrote this in one of his letters to you...
And as Ammaji said "Tum sabon ki bahut yaad aati hai"...

I keep hoping... hoping to have another dream of you... hoping to see you again... hoping to go before Chris....

Missing you very much
Your daughter
June 18, 2023
June 18, 2023
Dear Papa

I made gazar ka halwa today. I know that you love it. It has a little too much sugar for me - but perfect for both you and Babaji.

I always miss you, so today is nothing special for that. But it is a special day and no way to call you. Maybe you can see me?

Love always. Thinking of your smiling face.
Your daughter
June 15, 2023
June 15, 2023
Dear Papa

Another Father's Day is around the corner but there are no fathers or grandfathers anymore... For both Chris and me the Father's Day lasted only until 2017. 

I miss you so very much. Lately I have been occupied with the thoughts and memories of Babaji Ammaji as I am re-reading their letters and digitizing them. But now I am at a very difficult part - mid 1979 onward... and I am looking at a very small pile of remaining letters between 1979 and 1994. So it means I don't have Ammaji's letters - mostly are missing now. I wish I looked at them earlier. You probably had them in your box somewhere downstairs where you had lots of paperwork. But now they are lost to me and it makes me very sad. It is hard to read them - especially hard to read them by myself - but I still would like to have them. They are my best treasure and will go with me when I go...

I read an article by Brad Stennerson in Medium today. The article is titled "The mistakes of a past self can be difficult to forgive". He ends the article with
"
When you remember a past version of yourself, do not look for a villain. Look instead for an imperfect human doing their best to manage an overwhelming world, and forgive them for that imperfection.

Forgive them for needing time to grow.
"

It made me cry...
My past self has been far from perfect...
Yes, I was too young when I said, selfishly, "I don't want to go back to India". I think I also said, if I remember correctly "If Babaji was still there, we would have gone back, but..." --- But what about Ammaji?? Why was I not thinking of her - she who gave everything and asked for nothing in return; never complained and never ever said anything to us about not keeping a promise to Babaji that we made - the last wish he ever had. 

Being young is an excuse? I don't think so. I know how much you loved her - and Babaji and how it must have hurt you to not be able to take care of her the way you should have.

How can I forgive myself?
I wish I believed in a God - truly believed.
That would make it easy to bear - easy because then there would be a hope to see you all again.

What I wouldn't give to have you hug me just once - just one more time.

I wish I could believe, really believe. 
But not today...

Missing you very much
Your daughter






May 14, 2023
May 14, 2023
Dear Papa

I miss the times when you and I would go and sit at Mummy's bench (it is now both hers and yours) and leave flowers and/or release a balloon in her memory. I relied on very much in those years after her - much more than you probably imagined. You thought that I was helping you - but you were providing me with that sense of 'home' that only belongs to parental homes. 

I miss that feeling.

At least I have made sure that yours and Babaji Ammaji's names will not be forgotten and that your legacies will continue on - and through those all four of you will live on. Your names will be spoken even after I am gone - by people who don't know you but would benefit, even if in a small way, from what you left.

Love
Your Gudya
April 19, 2023
April 19, 2023
Dear Papa

It is so hard... reading Ammaji and Babaji's letters... 
They were so unwell in 1978 - within a few months of us leaving them...

I wish you were here so that I could ask you how you dealt with it - reading their letters and knowing what a bad situation they were in - physically, emotionally as well as financially. I know how emotionally close you were to them - having lived with them all your life - well most of it - other than those 4 years you were in Bareilly. But those Bareilly days weren't too bad for them - they were healthy, and you were just a few hours away. I know you pined for them - especially for Ammaji - though you never said. But feelings are difficult to hide.

Help me to understand what we gained by coming here. I know that I gained much and more than any of us - but the loss was greater. Perhaps every generation does this - leaves people they love behind to reach for a "better" life but is it really? 

What does one need more than love? And what can one give that means more than love and compassion? "Tum sub ki bahut yaad aati hai" -- Ammaji said this so many times - in almost all of her letters. Why didn't you make me understand that it was important to go back? I didn't think - I was young and selfish - but I would have understood. I don't think Babaji would have been so wrong in giving me all his love that I would not have understood the need.

But my question today is just - how did you bear it? Ammaji's tears and a promise made to Babaji -- not being able to wipe the first and keep the second?

My heart breaks even now after all these years. 

It is the hardest thing I have had to do since coming to see you in the hospital after your stroke - to read these letters and have everything come back to life again. 

I need another sign that you are all happy where you are...
Will you send it?

Love you always. You are in my heart forever.
Your daughter
April 16, 2023
April 16, 2023
Dear Papa

We went biking today. Whenever we go, we often run into someone who is riding a battery powered trike and that always makes me think of you. You would have enjoyed riding the trike and then it makes me think of how much stress it would have put on me because you would want to ride fast - like Chris does :)

I miss you - miss all of you so much and there isn't a day goes by - or even hour - when I don't think of you, Mummy and Babaji Ammaji. But day like today especially makes me think of you - and of Babaji because he always worried about me trying to learn to ride a bike for fear that I may fall. He would have liked my trike because the risk of falling is minimum now :) But then he can probably see me from wherever you all are... I hope so.

I am wearing one of Mummy's rings today - just felt like it. I wish I could find Babaji's ring that he gave me when I was 10. I kept it so safe until I didn't and I don't know what happened to it. It makes me very sad. I hope he knows how much I miss it and loved it. I hope some day it will just appear somewhere in my stuff.

I saw you in my dream yesterday. You gave me a pair of sunglasses but then I ended up throwing them in trash by mistake. In my dream I wanted to buy another pair to replace it so that you wouldn't be sad. Not sure what happened then. Wonder what it means. Wonder what the dreams mean.

I wish you were here - you all were. Ammaji and Babaji's letters haunt me. I am now reading the ones written in 1978.  Papa, what were you thinking those years whenever you read their letters? We hadn't talked about that in years. Hadn't talked about anything that mattered other than yours and Mummy's health issues. And now that you are gone, I want so much to ask you about so many things. I want to know what went through your minds and how you decided to leave Meerut - leave Babaji and Ammaji at that stage... I suppose you struggled with it just as I did when time came for you two. 

I need you all back. I need to know at least that you would take me back in your arms when it is my time. The World is topsy turvy more than it normally has been these days and it is hard to make sense sometimes. Chris is my rock now and I do hope to go before him. He is stronger and I am not. I wish Babaji Ammaji got the chance to meet him and get to know him. They would have loved him. But then I know that they can see him from wherever they are and that they are the ones who likely sent him my way. I can't see how it would have been possible otherwise. What were the chances?!! 

I love you and miss you.
Hope my love reaches you...
Your daughter
March 17, 2023
March 17, 2023
We miss seeing him as he was always such a joy to be around.
March 8, 2023
March 8, 2023
Dear Papa

I had a vague kind of dream this morning when I dozed off. I kind of feel like it was a girl standing somewhere (was it me?) and saying "Papa mujhsai kuch kuhai bina he chalai gayai". I woke up and the picture faded but this phrase stayed with me.

You did go away without saying anything to me - after all those calls, texts and going back and forth to Madison, nothing was said - just a call from Belmont...

How can it be that after a lifetime of father-daughter relationship, in the end there was nothing said; no goodbyes... If I had only gone there to be with you as you wanted me to...

I wasn't able to be with Mummy when she was forced to return to the hospital and that was the beginning of the end for her... I did not come to be with you that last Christmas anniversary of you two and I lost you completely.

I hope you know how much you are missed. People wonder why I still think of you all so much - as if parents and grandparents, especially the ones who gave so much of themselves and so much love can ever be forgotten... as if the hole left by them can ever be filled. No, I will always think of you until I take my last breath because "I was lucky".

With all my love
Your daughter
March 7, 2023
March 7, 2023
Happy Holi Papa

I didn't remember Holi or any other day - especially since after Mummy.
And I am sorry for it. 
Now I think of all sorts of things you and I could have done together - but your illness took all that away and stole so many years...

Hope you are with family and everything is colorful...

Missing you
Your Gudya
March 2, 2023
March 2, 2023
Dear Papa

Jill wrote today that he thought of you yesterday when a meditation instructor started with mindful breathing exercises. She said that you used to end your classes, when you taught it, with breathing exercies.

It felt good that you are still remembered...

With all my love
Your daughter
February 20, 2023
February 20, 2023
Dear Papa
Babaji-Ammaji's letters written so long ago to us, first with absolute sense of loss, then with resignation to a 3 years long wait for us to return, followed by complete loss of hope as they had to leave Meerut as Babaji became severely ill but still with a tiny hope of making it long enough to see us again, again followed by absolute resignation and just wanting one thing in life that Babaji ever asked of you, of us, to take care of Ammaji - bring back so many memories. Some of them having been tucked away some place.

How he worried about Ammaji! He had never asked anything of anyone and in the end one thing he asked so desperately for, we didn't give. Ammaji suffered so badly for the following 14 long years that she lived without him! If we had only gone back... Her letters haunt me. It is hard reading them now after so long. Last I read them was with you and I am sure we cried many a tears - not that it helped her.

Papa, I know you stayed here because I said I wanted to stay, but I wish you put your foot down, went back so we could live like before - as much as was possible without Babaji, didn't resignation from government service and it would have worked out much better for our family in the end. Mummy would have gotten better medical care. Ammaji would have lived happily and Babaji's soul would have rested peacefully. How he took care of everything for her! She missed that desperately! She missed her life in Meerut even more desperately. And she missed us. In every letter she says "tum subki bahut yaad aati hai". I hear her voice every time I read it. How hers, and Babaji 's life changed so quickly! Three years must not have seem like a long time then but it ended up being an eternity for them! And for us!

I wish I had stayed with them... wish they didn't let me come with you... wish you sent me back when Babaji's letters came and showed the total sense of loss and he asked you to send me back because someone there told him how difficult it would be for me here in school.

I mostly think about Ammaji these days. I am afraid I have been thinking lot less of you as I read their letters. I think blame lies mostly with me. I think you would have gone back had it not have been my insistence to stay. I was young and selfish and too engrossed in my own life here. But maybe if you sat me down and explained and reminded me of why it was most important to go back..., I would have understood. I loved both of them very much even though I was temporarily lost in my own world.

How our lives would have turned out different and happier if we just went back! But can't go back now, can we? You are all gone. Perhaps this is my punishment to suffer this great sense of loss and burden of not doing the right thing, the only thing, we should have done. I can only promise that I will try my best from now on to do something that will make a difference in a few senior lives. I hope that through the smile of even one person, I can bring certain amount of peace to Babaji-Ammaji 's souls. This is all I can do at this point. I tried to find someone in Meerut who may be doing homeopathy or a poor student who could benefit from Babaji Ammaji's legacy but have not been successful. So I can only do something here. Even if one of the student who becomes a homeopathic doctor helps a few poor people, my effort, as small as it is, would be successful.

Papa, I hope you and Mummy are now together with them and are happy. Babaji Ammaji, while they never complained or blamed us for anything, very rarely one in my dream. But they did give me an experience that makes me believe that they are watching over me. I was desperately wishing that I could go back to our Vijaynagar home just once and like the old times be in my bed with babaji ammaji in next room. One night as I was reading or watching TV, I suddenly got a jolt and felt like I had been there momentarily and was brought back. I must have dozed or something but it was so real, as real as mummy's hug was in my dream and her voice calling my name was. And then there is Chris... How would I have met someone like him if babaji Ammaji weren't looking out for me? It was 1995, just a year and 2 months after Ammaji.

I hope you are all somewhere and that I will see you one day again.

Whenever I think of you, which is often, I always see your smiling face. Even that last time, on October 21st, 2017, the last time I saw you and hugged you, whenever I picture it, your face always appears young and smiling. You were stronger than I ever thought you were. I remember you were smiling when I saw you for the first time after your stroke on February 15th, 2013. You were in wheelchair and smiled at me. I always wonder at how you could smile in that most unexpected situation.


I loved your smile. I still do.
And miss you so very much
Your daughter
February 13, 2023
February 13, 2023
Dear Papa

Tonight it will be 10 years since that horrible night when you had a stroke. If someone had told me before that that it may happen, I would not have believed it. I wonder what happened that night. I never asked but I should have. Something must have happened...

At least now people have a better chance of recovering, thanks in part to your and Mummy's endowment. You will not be forgotten; neither will Babaji Ammaji. Family may not remember you, as your memories will go with me - but your legacy will be around for times to come.

Missing you always.
With Love
Your daughter

January 1, 2023
January 1, 2023
From my beginning until your end
You were by my side, my first best friend...
               - Author unknown

Dear Papa
Whenever I am riding my trike, I think of you. You would have so enjoyed it. I think if we have thought of it when you could, you and Chris would have had some nice rides together. But all that time was wasted... 

No second chances, are there?

On this new year we went for a bike ride. I thought of the time in 2016 when we were here and you has just been admitted to the nursing home for rehab. You were so unhappy; nothing to eat that you liked. How unfortunate for your family that couldn't be bothered to even bring something you could eat and at least have some enjoyment. 

I hope there is a place where you are and that you are all happy.

I take you with me on my bike rides and smile when I think about how fast you would be going... you were fearless!

Love you always
Your daughter
December 30, 2022
December 30, 2022
Dear Papa

I was just watching some of your videos - more daring ones where you had fun on Zipline, some less where you are just trying to walk. I love the couple-of-seconds one where you are waiving your hand at me. I always wave at you when I see it in the hope that you will see it.

The video of you singing "choti choti gayiyaan", your favorite song to sing at the community center made me sad to see you. Someone stole mummy's beautiful smile. You were strong and managed to keep it but couldn't save the rest of you. "Everything has changed; no house; no nothing" - you wrote on your last entry for Dashahara in 2016 when you were all by yourself at that nasty place in Middleton. It breaks my heart. I can't put the two pictures together - one where we are together enjoying vacations or just sitting at home celebrating a birthday or mummy's cooking and then this (one of the) last one where you lost that exuberance you had for life. You smiled but sometimes it feels like it was just to hide the pain - just behind the eyes. I remember on that last day when I saw you, when you, Chris and I walked to a nearby little garden; I looked in your eyes and I guess you must not have been on your guard because I remember clearly those eyes that looked so sad, helpless and lonely. 

Papa, even though mummy suffered so much more than you - both emotionally and physically and even though I was there for most of those bad times with her watching her accept the pain without making a sound, it is your pain that haunts me the most. We relied so much on one another in those last four years of your life after Mummy. You were all I had to call all-of-my-own. I needed you so much and it hurts me to think that you felt so un-needed in the end as you took your last breath. I feel like you went that night because your heart totally broke - because of me. I have been the cause of so much pain for all four of you. I hope that I will suffer for it in the end as my time comes. I love you so much. If only I made that effort to be with you that Christmas. 

You were true to your word. You told mummy that you would come to her when someone who needs me does not anymore. But I did need you. Mummy understood why I was angry. But you did not. I was angry... very angry - at everything, at everybody, but mostly at myself for not being able to make a slight bit of difference to make your life better. I was desperate for some support that was not coming from anywhere. So many times I cried when I was on the phone with a doctor talking about you. I remember talking to the attending resident who was talking to me about you being on the ventilator and he was asking me whether you had the will to live. I told him that if anyone has a will to live, you do. I told him about the Bridge you still take so much trouble to go and play; the painting you are learning; the smile you have that everyone adores. I cried; he said he would do all he could and even gave me his cell number which was so unusual. I don't remember his name but what he did for me I won't forget. That was the kind of support I needed and no one, inside the family or outside called or wrote or asked if they could help. Maybe I made wrong decisions but we were a broken family and I tried my best. But sadly I was angry in the end; maybe angry is not the right word but just hopeless, helpless and at a loss for what to do next. Then the call came and suddenly put an end to all 'what to do-s'.

You looked so peaceful when I saw you next. The funeral home director tried to tell me that you must have gone in your sleep because you looked so peaceful. I don't know that for sure. I wonder if that social worker who should not have been at that job did something to you or weather you just felt that you couldn't count on me anymore and that I had abandoned you as well. Papa, I hope you didn't think that. Even if I had made plans to come, I may not have been able to because I was sick that Christmas. 

You are always in my heart; always needed and wanted; always like the son I never had; like a father I love and remember and will always.

After all those four years of hard work; watching you take those first difficult steps; watching you smile and be brave; and trying my best to get you back on your feet again and to keep you out of the nursing home; all my visits to Madison... but in the end I wasn't even there when it all came to an end! You are the only one in the whole family who was left on their own. How must you have missed "home"! You never complained. You never complained about anything - not about not being able to go home; not about missing how it used to be; and not even not being bale to eat when you enjoyed food so much!! You did not deserve this kind of treatment. I hope that all of us who contributed to that kind of misery to a simple and good man such as yourself will pay for it dearly in the end. If there is any justice in this World, and if there is a God then we will all suffer the consequences. This is my only prayer, if I can call it a prayer.

So looks like all four of you brothers are gone between November and early January! And Ammaji in October; so really mother and four sons gone between October 1st and January 3rd. I hope that somewhere and somehow you all know how much you are loved - as long as I am alive, your won't really die because you live on in me.

With all my love and memories
Your daughter
December 28, 2022
December 28, 2022
On 5th Death anniversary i pray God for you chacha for rest in peace , Tau ji and you both expired on same date though tau ji two years earlier
December 28, 2022
December 28, 2022
Dear Papa

Spent the day thinking about our lives together, good and bad - in its entirety; looking at old photographs of you as a child, a teenager, the wedding and you grew into the "Papa" I remember and know.

I think of you all the time but can never do it in isolation. You were part of a family and I was part of that and so lots of related memories keep flooding back.  Where has the time gone? I miss you very much. I miss everyone very much.

Wish I would see you in my dream when I go to sleep.
The dreaded hour of 5:30am on the 29th when the call came.

Love you
Your Gudia
December 28, 2022
December 28, 2022
Dear Papa

Five years ago you woke up this morning for the last time. 
Had I known that I won't see you again after the October 21st, I would have hugged you a little tighter and held your hand a bit longer. I just wish I could know what you were thinking about on the night of this day. You made a painting around 3:00pm - so you must have been as okay as you could have been. 

I can't help wondering if something happened at Belmont that fateful night. Did someone do something? Did you need help and no one came? I will never know but I have doubts and those doubts will never be resolved now.

I am missing you very much, but there is nothing new in this.
Hope my love and thoughts reach you up wherever you are.
Your daughter
December 26, 2022
December 26, 2022
Dear Papa

I hadn't made this connection but yesterday it occurred to me that you used to tell that funny story about having an argument with mummy on the 3rd day of your wedding about the photo box that belonged to chachaji :)

It occurs to me that it must have been on the 28th - the very same day, you were gone! But this time I know it involved no argument - just love.

Almost 5 years, 2 months and 5 days since I last saw you and hugged you. How was I to know that it would be the last time ever? I should have come to keep you company that Christmas. Lots of should haves and would haves - for no real purpose now.

Your 64th anniversary has come and gone. Missed you very much - all of you.

Love
Your Gudia
December 20, 2022
December 20, 2022

To the Family I miss every day --

Michael is here. Chris and he are talking. Doing things together. I think of you us and how we used to sit together, talk, make plans for the day or for tomorrow, and of course, fight too. But it was all good. We were together, comfortable with each other, and everything was alright. Long ago when we lived together, I guess at the time that was just a normal day or normal week or normal whatever. But now whenever I think of that time whether it is Meerut or here, it all feels so cozy. A warmth, a closeness, a feeling that all is right in the World. 

Never again will I have that feeling. You, none of you whom I loved and who loved me more than life, are here anymore. I tell myself that I will see you again. Will I? Just because I would like to believe it, will that make it true? Are the little incidents that seem like a sign that you are somewhere waiting for me, are they real? Or just something that I need to be true? I don't know. I hope I will see you again someday.

I sit in the window, reading "Aapka Bunti", thinking of the time when Ammaji and I used to read it together when it published in Dharmyug. Was it so long ago? Or just yesterday? How comfortable you would have been here! I started to cry but then I remembered that it would make you sad to see tears in my eyes. So, I thought I write you this letter while I am feeling whatever I am feeling.

I think I will send this letter to all of you as it is what I would say to all of you. 

I miss the voices that called me "Gudia". I miss talking in Hindi. But more than anything I miss the comfortable and warm feeling of what only people who brought me up could bring.

May my voice and love reach all of you.

With all my love
Your Gudia

November 28, 2022
November 28, 2022
Dear Papa

The new calendar is ready and this time I changed the cover photo to use your favorite photo of Mummy.  Wish you could see it... Maybe you can. Hope that you can....

You are still well remembered in Madison - both at the Senior Center and St. Mary's among the volunteers and the Foundation.

You are always in my heart.
Love you
Your daughter
November 20, 2022
November 20, 2022
Dear Papa

Your smile warms my heart every day. Whenever I picture you, you are always smiling :)

I relearn how to make espresso - the Indian way. Reminds me of you and Mummy - the three of us having coffee and cajoo. You were never lazy and never said "no" to whenever we asked you to make coffee. You would always leave whatever you were doing and happily make it. I miss your coffee...
Miss your smile... and more than that miss YOU.

You were such a good person - you all were. I keep thinking why good people should have had such painful ending and there is no answer that I can find. I doubt that anyone can explain it to me...

You are always on my mind... and in my thoughts.
Whatever I do, you are always a part of you - and so I want to do it right.

Love you
Your daughter
October 24, 2022
October 24, 2022
Dear Papa

I laid down for a minute just to rest and for some reason saw you in my mind lying in your Belmont bed all alone, holding on to your cell phone - and then no one will ever know what happened - you closed your eyes forever. Few months before that when you thought you were going, you held on to my hand so tight. I wasn't there this time... no one was there to wipe your tears as you missed Mummy on your Christmas wedding anniversary. I had planned to never leave you alone in town but failed you this one time. Why didn't you wait for me? I was sick at the time - both in my body and emotionally - I was drained. But that is still no excuse. Just one time I wasn't there and you took off. You couldn't have thought that I didn't need you anymore, could you? I wish I could know the answer.

I did need you; I still do and will forever. After Mummy, you and I spent so much time together but I didn't get to be there at the end to hold your hand and this hurts me more than anything else.

Today on Diwali and on every day I think of you; We used to go and see Ramleela. Babaji used to give me money and sometimes when we took tanga to come home, it was an extra treat. That was much fun.

You all are on my mind today; and always.
Your daughter
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March 21
March 21
Dear Papa

I had cappuccino today since the time you made it - in 2013 after your stroke, I think you made it once... I know for sure you made it in December 2012 when I was there. It wasn't as good because I am kind of doing it from memory and I never actually made it because this was your thing. 

"Papa, coffee piyogai?" - that's all I had to say and you would be off - never lazy about it.  Three of us - you, Mummy and me - we used to love it. I thought of Mummy - she always liked cashews with it. 

I miss your coffee... I miss you...

I regret to say that I cannot get your cappuccino machine to work as I destroyed it. I neglected to clean it after using it couple of times and it calcified. I tried to get someone to fix it but not sure what they did, it came back spilling lots of black stuff and now it refuses to work at all. Few years ago when it stopped working, I managed to find someone who was selling theirs's (exact same model), i bought it. But I never used it in the hopes that I could still get yours's to work. But I have to give up on it. I can still use some of the parts from your machine, so that is some consolation. 

So I opened that machine today and was pleasantly surprised that it worked! Coffee didn't quite taste as good as yours. Also it was much more enjoyable thing to do in the afternoons after lunch with you and Mummy. Chris is not a coffee person - so I tried it by myself. Your memories were with me, so at least there was that.

I am sorry that I broke your machine. You were so fond of it - so fond of coffee and actually liked making it :) Egg-curry is another thing of yours's that I miss. 

Holi is around the corner. We hadn't celebrated any of these holidays together in a long time even when you both were around. We were so bogged down with all the problems. I was telling Chris earlier today that both his as well as mine, mothers, lost quarter of a century being severely ill. All four of you were so devoted to God - even until the end - and had faith in him. I think Tauji was also very devoted. Where does this faith come from, I am trying to understand. Did any of you ever question what kind of God would bring about such pain and suffering those who believe in a God? I try to tell myself that if you all had such faith, then there must be a God somewhere. While I don't condone the pain he brought about to you all, I tell myself that he was the one who gave me such a loving environment to grow up in. There are so many who don't have what I have had and still do. I try to think of the dreams I have had of you and what I consider 'signs' that you are somewhere at peace whenever I feel sad.

I just wanted to share the coffee experience with you.

And while I am talking to you, the little cutting you sent me that said "her beti kai Bhagya mein pita hota hai, per her pita kai Bhagya mein beti nehi hoti" and you signed it with "and so I am lucky... -- Papa". I don't think that it is true that "her beti kai Bhagya mein pita hota hai" -- there are some who have a "pita" but just in name. So I am lucky too - for being part of you and for having your blood through my veins and for the love you bestowed on me all your life. I don't know whether you were lucky. I didn't take care of you, so how can you be? You said that when you were in the nursing home. I wonder why you still loved me.

Life keeps moving forward. I wish I could go back even if for just a few moments - like the moment I had one evening when I dozed off and was momentarily at the Vijayanagar home in my room and then I woke up with such a jilt! It was very real; real enough that I still feel it when I think of it. As real as Mummy's voice sounded a few months ago when she called my name...

I miss you always...
With each one of you a part of me has gone; so how can I be the same now?

Love you
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Papa

Last time I wrote to you on the 12th, I said that I wished I would see you in my dream...

Perhaps you were listening... of course you were... I know you are always with me in spirit... in my heart. So I had a beautiful dream full of jugnu and butterflies and the house in Thapar Nagar. It was out of this World as the jugnu and butterflies fluttered about me. I heard Babaji's voice and have a feeling that Mummy was there too. So I am sure both you and Ammaji were there as well. I woke up happy... At least for today I will try to not think of you with sadness and regrets... just memories of happy years we had together...

You are somewhere safe and peace, I know...
Thank you for the beautiful dream!

I love you always.
Your daughter
Recent stories

Scholarships through NASH Foundation

October 6, 2023
This scholarship was created to award some funds to a student per year in hopes for continuing Babaji and Ammaji's legacy.  Even if just one of these students serves the community free of charge once they become doctors, this whole effort will have been worth everything.

It is because of the sacrifices my Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy made, that I am able to make this tiny effort to carry on their legacy.

The new Patio at Fitchburg Senior Center

October 6, 2023
Thought you would like to see it...
I made some small contributions to it on your behalf... So I feel this belongs partly to you along with so many others who kindly donated.

Your memory lives on ...

October 6, 2023
Jill has been so very kind to me all through these years.  Her friendship is a gift to me from both of you.
She asked me if I would like a plaque at the new patio they have built outside the Senior Center for people to sit around, chat and socialize.  It looks beautiful in pictures!  

Jill says that both of you would like it. I hope so.  Maybe this is all the birthday gift I can give you?  Your name will go on as long as the center stands.  And you will live on as long as I live.

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