ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of my father, Sushil Bansal, 84, born on October 6, 1933 and passed away on December 29, 2017. He will live on in our hearts forever.

My father was suffering from complications due to stroke and since June this year after a surgery he started to have more problems. While he suffered with multiple issues this year, it appears that he went to sleep on the night of December 28th and just didn't wake up and went peacefully. He was at Belmont Nursing Home in Madison, Wisconsin at this time and had been there for little less than a year.

He was born in Meerut, India, the son of Dr. Dhanpat Rai and Smt. Prakash Vati (Goyal) Gupta. He married Saroj Rastogi on December 25, 1958, in Mawana, India. It was an arranged marriage. They saw one-another for the first time after they were married! They were rarely ever apart until my Mom passed away on September 8, 2013. My father was an accountant by profession. He had a Masters in Mathematics. His first job was as a teacher at a school in Meerut but soon he found a position working as an accountant for the Government Of India. He always worked very hard and no matter how difficult the situation became, he never let any of know that there were problems. In 1977 we moved to the United States and he worked with the Embassy of India in Washington DC for four years. Eventually he resigned from the Government Service and stayed on here so that we, the children could have a better life. After living in Maryland for 23 years they moved to Madison, Wisconsin along with his son's family.

He has always been the quiet one; most comfortable with papers, figures, computers but at the same time he did have a witty sense of humor. He always enjoyed a challenge – learning a new skill like web site development, mastering photography, creating projects on Shutterfly. He loved taking walks. My parents used to take regular a mile walk at least once a day, no matter how cold it was. They both loved to travel. We travelled a lot together both in India as well as here in the States. We went on a Cruise many years ago and this became his favorite way of vacationing. He was very actively involved with Indian American Association in Madison. He loved playing Bridge and created a Bridge Group at the Fitchburg Senior Center. He also volunteered there for various activities including exercise program. He was supposed to teach Exercise class there a day after he had his stroke on February 14, 2013. Stroke left his left side weak. He loved working with the therapists and worked very hard to gain his strength back. He joined Adaptive Fitness class at the UW Natatorium offered by Tim Gattenby in Summer of 2013 and attended every session until the Fall of 2017 when he was too ill and weak from several complications due to Stroke. He loved this class; loved working with the students who doted on him; found a wonderful friend in Tim who went out of his way many times to help and work with my Dad. My Dad was very much looking forward to starting this class again on January 30th, 2018, but... He was definitely a fearless and adventureous soul.

His final year was spent at Belmont Nursing Home and Rehab. He was happy there and actually considered it second best place to home. Special thanks to Gail, Jerri, Essa, Pam, Chad, Joan and Katie who went out of their way many times to make his life a bit easier; and to the Activities Staff for discovering an artist in my father who had never before used a paint brush.

He is survived by his Son, Ashish; daughter-in-law, Gauri; grand-daughters, Priya and Pramita; daughter, Sandhia; and son-in-law, Christopher. He was preceded in death by his parents (Dr. Dhanpat Rai Gupta and Smt. Prakash Vati); 3 brothers – two older (Rajendra Kumar Bansal and Sukumar Chandra Bansal) and a younger one (Subodh Kumar Bansal); his wife and my Mom, Saroj Bansal and his older sister-in-law, Bala Bansal.

October 24, 2022
October 24, 2022
Happy Diwali Papa

All I have is memories of our time together. But then it is more than what so many have. I can see your face in my mind and you always look younger and happy. 

Hope you are smiling somewhere with all our family. Thinking of you with that big smile on your face, I will smile too today.

Love you always
Your daughter
October 7, 2022
October 7, 2022
Wishing you peace and good health where ever you are . Rest in peace
October 6, 2022
October 6, 2022
Happy Birthday, Papa.
When I opened your memorial, a photo of you and Mummy at one of our picnics during a trip came up. Then came yours saying goodbye to Babaji Ammaji in 1980, a boat trip with Mummy in Nainital and finally one from a birthday long ago in the apartment with Shailu giving you cake. 

Today Shahi paneer, your favorite, samosa and rasgulla for your birthday.
Hope you are smiling your famous smile.

With all my love.
Will be thinking of you even more today.
I know I can't call you but can't help wishing. When we were together, we would always go out for lunch or dinner to celebrate your day. Today you will be in my heart.

Missing you
Your daughter
September 30, 2022
September 30, 2022
Dear Papa

I know you are with everyone we had lost but today is the day when you and Mummy were able to see Ammaji one last time 28 years ago. You got to Lucknow just in time. At least her soul was at peace knowing you two were there. She was probably hanging on just for you.

I am missing you all very much. This i the first life event when you won't be with us. I want so much to be able to have you back if just momentarily. But how can that be? Not until we meet again...

Love you
Your daughter
September 26, 2022
September 26, 2022
Dear Papa

Happy Birthday to Babaji Ammaji - I hope you are all together now. Hope you will enjoy the sweet smell of my suji halwa :) I hope they will too.

Papa, you came in my dream just two days ago and I knew it you were here to celebrate with us our day. You walked me with my arm in yours and said "dheerai chal" :) I was missing you two and then you were in my dream looking healthy and younger. But you were worried about Mummy. It felt like I talked to her and she was happy again - so that made me feel good and happy. I was so happy to see you - even just in my dream. 

And this place makes me think of you two even more and wish you could have been here. You would have enjoyed it lot more than me because you liked these activities. There is Bridge for all levels (so close to your heart), craft classes for Mummy, painting for you, exercise classes, walking trails, cooking and all sorts of activities. You two would have loved it. But it is too late. Or is it? perhaps you will be with us when we are taking a walk on one of the trails...
This place is built for you...

September is so full of memories - good and unhappy - but one has to take both in life. Chris and I, we often wonder these days where the time has gone. It is like in those movies you see two young people slowly get more and more grey and older and sit around on the deck, woman wrapped in her shawl and looking wistfully at the surroundings while thinking of all the days gone by as if they were all just 'yesterday'. Funny thing is that we don't feel old but time is fast flying by. 17 years already! you have been missing for almost 5 now.

Sometimes when I think about 45 years of time - all those years ago when we came here together - I feel like you brought me here and left me all alone. But then I am not alone, am I? I know only babaji could have sent someone like Chris to me - I just wonder at him some times.

I love you today and always.
Your daughter
September 8, 2022
September 8, 2022
Dear Papa

I was talking with Jill today about moving some of the money from your memorial fund toward the patio they want to install outside the senior center. I thought you would have wanted that. Yours and Mummy's legacy will benefit so many people. Then there is the stroke simulator that St. Marys has been able to purchase with a small but important contribution from yours and mummy's endowment. I just wish this was available for you and then just like this man who benefitted from it, you would have been able to lead a normal life even after your stroke. They say that 70% of people used to end up either dead or disabled for life but now 70% of people can go on to lead normal life - thanks to this simulator and the practice that it allows for the doctors and nurses. I know you were a computer person and would have wanted to see this. So here it is for you to view - hope they have a laptop for you up where you are :) 

But make time for Mummy and for other enjoyable things too. As you know - life is too short.

https://www.ssmhealth.com/employee-culture-communications/mynews/wisconsin/st-marys-hospital-madison/2022/4/special-simulator-gives-stroke-team-training,-prac

https://nam10.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Ffox47.com%2Fnews%2Flocal%2Fnew-simulator-helps-doctors-save-people-from-strokes-man-shares-story-of-survival&data=05%7C01%7Cdina.boyle%40ssmhealth.com%7Cfb3a535d334e4436f66108da2fce47bc%7Cfbb1df866d494545bde79583d50eee17%7C0%7C0%7C637874860268607959%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C3000%7C%7C%7C&sdata=Cwqs%2FHjkSMz%2FOwsZ6axE8dwgpEJGVfSXERNT5M3xzlc%3D&reserved=0





Love you
Your daughter
September 7, 2022
September 7, 2022
Dear Papa

Last night 9 years ago must have been most traumatic for you as well - and how helpless you must have felt! I wish I had stayed at the house at night...

In those good old days when we were one small happy family, who would have thought of our lives ending up the way that they did? No one really knows, do they? As I am going through old boxes these days I read the letters and cards you both sent to me - and Babaji Ammaji - Sharda Taiji... I feel very lucky that I have been much loved, perhaps more than anyone deserves. And I suppose it is better to have had all that I have had and lost it than to never have had it at all. I have been lucky. And so now I have so much that I miss.

I miss you... perhaps more than I miss anyone else... perhaps because our shared grief for Mummy bonded us even more... perhaps because this was the grief shared by just the two of us. Maybe you didn't realize how much I depended on you - even in your frail state - as you struggle with so much in nursing homes. You were my rock. Who else will go and sit on that bench at Swan creek park now with me and send up a balloon to the heavens? It wouldn't be the same without you there.

I hope you are with Mummy and Babaji Ammaji and everyone else who ever loved us.

I miss you, Papa.
Love
Your daughter

September 5, 2022
September 5, 2022
Dear Papa

You are never far away from my thoughts but for some reason when I happen to look at your picture, my heart aches anew with a sudden pain. You and I held on to one another very tightly - unknowingly perhaps - after Mummy. It has left a deep hole in my life - deeper than any other, I believe. You counted on me but I depended on you much more - more than you or I ever realized at the time. I think I miss you the most - and it somehow makes me feel guilty because Babaji loved me the best and he suffered so much after we left them alone in India. But the four years after Mummy - you were the only fragile root I had left to cling to and I did cling to it as if my life depended on it.

And now you are not there. Hard to believe that its been almost 9 years since Mummy and 5 even since you left me. Where has the time gone?

Just have been thinking of our first day in US 45 years ago today and trying to imagine what it was life for us - and for Babaji Ammaji. I don't think I am capable of imagine the pain they must have gone through without us with them.

Wish you were here. Wish you didn't have the stroke. More than anything I wish you were at home in your own bed when you closed your eyes for the last time and that I was there with you to hold your hand. I wish / hope you knew in the end how much I loved you and needed you.

Papa... I miss you very much.
Your daughter
August 11, 2022
August 11, 2022
Dear Papa

I can just see your big smile... 
Wish you were here.

I found two pictures of you with Babaji and Ammaji as you said goodbye to them in 1980 after you went to see Babaji. I can just see their hearts being broken once again...

I think of them all the time and it breaks my heart as I can almost feel their pain of losing us. I say 'almost' because no one can really feel another's pain, can they?

I hope you are all together now and are happy. Just take me in your arms again when it is my time...

Love you and miss you always
Your daughter
July 29, 2022
July 29, 2022
Dear Papa

Your simplicity caused you so much heartache. I remember you saying once that if we bought a bigger house, you two could stay with us for 6 months and rest at Shailu's. Why did you give away your home to him? Why do parents not learn from their previous generation's experiences? I think of what you said often and thought of it again today and my heart aches.

I know you are all together now, happy and are sending your aashirwad for me - because otherwise I won't have all that I have - and for this reason I shouldn't be sad. Me being sad, I am sure, causes pain to all of you. I try but sometimes I can't help it.

Missing you so much today as I sit and watch the rain and smell the summer. There is so much we didn't get to do together, didn't get to say to each other.

I love you
Your daughter





June 19, 2022
June 19, 2022
Happy Father's Day, Papa. I was thinking about that cutting you sent me with your note "And so, I am lucky, Papa". The cutting said "Her beti kai bhagya mein pita hota hai, per her pita kai bhagya mein beti nehi hoti". 

This broke my heart when I saw it and it has lot more meaning to me now ... now that you are not here and I can't call you ever again. It surprised me, just like the note that I found in your drawer after you were gone that you wrote for Mummy "September for your birthday, September for missing you forever". I never took you to be so poetic or emotional. you always seemed to hide your feelings very well. Maybe that wasn't a good thing as I think it took a toll on you that culminated as stroke. 

Papa, if you could just come back once and hold my hand again; pick me up at the airport; fight with me about whatever... Whenever I am working on a new code, Chris and I talk about you and how you wanted to solve code also and constantly used to ask him for "clue" :). It makes me happy when he talks about the bike ride he took with you on your scotter and it suddenly rained real hard... Those are happy memories and it is nice to share them with him.

We would have gone for lunch together today... but it has been so long. So much time wasted in trying to keep you and Mummy from harm, from illnesses and trying to navigate family drama. All that time that we could have talked about good old days, about Babaji Ammaji, about all the mausis. I hardly know any of them... I am convinced more than ever now that mummy was the victim of J&J powder. But the doctors are the once who could have saved her life but didn't. Maybe if there is a parallel universe, you two went back to India and she was safe and all of us had a different, perhaps happy life together? Maybe beyond what we can see and know there is a place where you are all happy together and maybe you will take me back when it is my time.

Wish you were here now. You would have been so excited and happy and things would have been so different - now that we have lots of time and lots of space. But what good is it when you are all gone? Why didn't you teach me some of your optimism and how to smile even when things are as bad as they can be. I have everything - except the four people I love the best. Babaji has sent Chris to me, of that I am sure. I could not have been so lucky, otherwise.

Chris was telling me the story of once when you and I were out and she felt sick and called Chris to "Come to the house" :) He said that she sat with her head on his shoulder for a while and said that she had felt faint. He said as he saw her sitting there like that, he was so happy that "I have got it made now" - he said with a smile :)

Papa I try to remind myself constantly that I have been one of the luckiest person in terms of family; had the best childhood; best grandparents and parents and the best husband; and even some new family. Still I miss you so much and it hangs over me like a cloud and sometimes, like on a day like today, I feel so sad. How could you smile so much even when you were at the lowest point? I wish I came to see you on that last Christmas. That was the only time you were left alone with both me and Shailu out of town. I always made sure that I was there if he was not. I was sick - but that is no excuse and then you were gone... all alone - not the way it should have happened. I should have been holding your hand.

I love you Papa. Always.
Your daughter


May 22, 2022
May 22, 2022
Dear Papa

I thought of all four of you many times on Friday... I always think of you but that was a special day. How happy you would have looked and I can just see your eyes brightening. I know you are always with me but I wish you could be here physically. The thought of being together the way we were back in India is just so comforting. Wish you were here...

Life is just too short! Too many things were left unsaid... I remember how tightly you held on to my hand once when you were in the hospital and were feeling like that was the end. I wasn't there when the time really came. You were all alone... that is a big regret in my life.

I hope you can see me.. see everything and are smiling...

Love you always
Your daughter
March 14, 2022
March 14, 2022
Dear Papa

How I wish I knew about the Ocean Liners to UK and other parts of the World when you and Mummy used to travel. You loved cruising so much but this would have been so much better. As I learn of new things and see new places I take you two with me - and Ammaji Babaji and imagine the wonder and smiles on your faces. But it isn't the same as having you really there.

I long for the days gone by... Miss the days we were together and felt at home and sheltered... wish you all were here at this point in our lives.

Miss you all so much. 
Love you
Your daughter
February 14, 2022
February 14, 2022
Dear Papa

I am trying to forget what a horrible morning you woke up to today 9 years ago and thinking about the happy place you may be at now - with all the family. I am trying to think of you smiling - it is easy because whenever I picture you, you always seem to be smiling. 

I wish I had your strength and be able to smile and not be sad about and regret so many years in the past. I just miss you so.

Happy Valentines day.. I hope my thoughts can reach you. Since you are in my heart now, I imagine that they can.

Missing you very much today.
Your Gudia

February 13, 2022
February 13, 2022
Dear Papa

9 Years ago tonight - about an hour from now you had your stroke that totally ended any happiness we had in our lives. I was just telling Chris how proud you were of being so healthy and "nothing will happen to me" - and then something struck you down so hard! And then we lost Mummy mere 7 months afterwards. But you persevered in face of such and so sudden downturn. You could still smile and still were so interested in learning new things. Your love of learning to paint in the last month and a half of your life inspires me to do the same. I have most of your paintings with me and I have been making a blanket with their prints and mummy's crafts every year - except this past year and sending them to Sr. Center. 

I miss you so much. I can't help thinking that if I had been with you on this night all these years ago, I would have recognized the signs and you could have been saved from speding last four years of life with so much pain. But I was not there.

You never asked for anything when you were well. And you never asked nor expected anything after. I try to imagine some times how it feels to know that one would never travel again and be on the cruise as you loved to do - and to know that one can never go home again. But it is like the time I used to try to imagine a life without Babaji Ammaji and later without you and Mummy - but never really could. These things are part of experience and not something that can be felt before they happen.

Wish you could be here now - now that we have all the time but don't have you.

Thinking of you always... and specially today.
With love
Your daughter
January 18, 2022
January 18, 2022
Dear Papa

I needed you with me today. I wish you were here always but specially today.
I know you know why.

I wonder if I would see you in my dream tonight. It has been a while since I have seen either of you. I rarely see Ammaji and have never seen Babaji even though I think of them all the time.

Wish you were here.
With love
Your daughter
January 16, 2022
January 16, 2022
Dear Papa

I wonder if it is just a coincidence or your way of communicating with me / us. You were so excited about learning to paint in those last couple of months of your life (it never ceases to amaze me - how!!!). And at this turn in my life both Chris and I came up with same thing for me to get-back-to/relearn! So I am learning to paint with pencils. And now that I have had little experience with it, I feel like I should have just sent you the water colors as you wanted and not the pencils. You didn't have time to learn to use pencils and others benefited from them. 

But I am happy that I will be following on your footsteps and I will try to keep a positive attitude about it and not be afraid of failure - actually not even contemplate it. You always thought you could do everything - real estate, business, web design, games and painting. You were quite successful at everything. I tell everyone how you helped Indian Association with their website when you had no computer programming experience! I don't inherit that attitude from you but will try my best to follow it.

I miss you so much and wish we could have more time to do things together. You almost had that childlike curiousity about everything and wanted to do more than you felt you had time for. I guess as I think more and more about it, perhaps that feeling of having not enough time caused you not to want to spend that time on exercising and all those mudane tasks people (and I) expected of you. You wanted to do so many of other things. Your excitement to play Bridge and V-Bowling and wanting to be the best at everything took precedent over being able to walk again - and I think it was because you knew you had only limited amount of time and you wanted to make the best of it by doing what you loved most.

Hindsight is 20x20 and so it is for me. The only way I console myself at my folly is that when one is in the moment, they can only see that (well, most of us are that way) and my focus was to be able to see you walk again and not be dependent on others for things and be able to enjoy life. But your definition of 'enjoying life' at that point was different than mine. And I am sorry that I didn't see it then... and didn't listen....

I can't ask for forgiveness from any of you because what does that even mean now? It won't change how you all suffered.

I only wish and hope to be born in your family again in my next life, if there is one or better yet to have you come for me when my time comes and take me with you.

Love you very much.
Miss you even more.
Your daughter

January 4, 2022
January 4, 2022
Dear Papa

Time passes so quickly. 4 years ago today - just about now we said goodbye to you and sent you off with the letter you wrote for Mummy to her. When it was time for Mummy, you were with me - but when time came for you, there was just one great emptiness. Nothing and no one can bring the comfort that a parent can. Just knowing you were there - somewhere at a place where I could go and see you meant so much and was so comforting a thought. We had plans to go visit the Botanical garden again, didn't we? I miss you so very much.

And now this day... Could we have imagined this day? Don't think so. But here we are. You would have smiled and smiled and teased. We would have gone out to dinner. Can't do any of that these days with the pandemic! But you are in my heart always and there you will remain until it is my time.

I just imagine you and talk to you, tell you all about everything. Wish we had more time together - wish you were both not gone the way you did. Wish and wish...

I try to think of good times we had and remind myself that I am luckier than most - very lucky indeed.

Love you and miss you as always.
Hope to see you in my dreams.
Your daughter
December 28, 2021
December 28, 2021
Goodnight Papa...
Until we meet again.

Love
Your daughter
December 28, 2021
December 28, 2021
Dear Papa

Here is that dreaded day again - the day you woke up for the last time. Four years without you. I haven't been able to go and sit at your bench in last two years because of the pandemic. But you will be happy to know - and indeed probably know already - that your legacy is helping out the community in multiple ways. The Senior Center had a beautiful painting class this month - something that you developed a taste for toward the end. The canvas and the way they were painting reminded me so much of you - and the picture I have of you painting those flowers.

That text of yours is still my best favorite - "I changed my mind... I want colors" - you said... I felt so happy when I saw that. I thought may be tide was turning and just for the moment thought you may get better. But not so. How did you find the courge, and willingness to do and learn all those things when you were so down with everything? That smile... that beautiful big smile... that is what I remember whenever I think of you - I always see you smiling in my thoughts.

Its been a while since I have dreamt of you. I wish I had last night.

You know I miss you so very much. I keep thinking of you holding my hand so tight in your hand when you thought it was your last day. Wish I was there to hold it when it really was. Just seems so strange that we, a father and daughter - and something didn't break in my heart when you took your last breath. I felt something when you had your stroke - definitely something - as I remember it being very disturbed that night - and I kept thinking of Babaji having such difficulty with his leg. Next morning I got the call that you had a stroke! At that time I hadn't realized the sevrity of it. But when you left this World, and us - why didn't I feel something? I used to wonder where I will be when the call came - and there I was, in the bus on my way to work!

Will you come for me - and Mummy and Babaji Ammaji when it is my time? I hope so. I hope you are all somewhere together and happy - in sunshine.
The new calendar - don't know how and where to send it for you. You used to love getting it. One sits at the Senior Center. I won't let your memory fade as long as I live and your legacy will go on even after I am gone. I have done what I could to make sure of that.

Missing you as always. Hope my love reaches you and makes you smile.
Your daughter
December 25, 2021
December 25, 2021
Dear Papa

Wonder if you smiled today and Mummy and asked her whether she received all those balloons you used to send her way when you were here - with me.

Wonder if you are happy and smiling from wherever you are.

Wonder if you can see me.

Chris was just looking at his old folders on his computer for codes he used to give you. He found 10 folders of code he was planning to give to you. We think he gave you at least 2, may be 3. So he was laughing that he had all those plans for you... Had it not been for the stroke, you would have solved few more. I am sorry but it appears that I did manage to not bring your cryptex from Madison. I also remember those of Mummy's art books she had from her school days - and it the chaos that it was after she was gone, those two things got forgotten. I wish I could find them again but I am sure they are long gone from the house. I did bring her cook book - so at least I have that.

Thinking about you two today but then I always think about you. And miss you.
Happy 63rd Anniversary today.
Your daughter
December 24, 2021
December 24, 2021
Dear Papa

Four years ago you were in a very bad way and I was sick and we did not have a good conversation. No excuse for me - just was tired; and tired of being sick and sad for not being able to fix things for you. 

Tomorrow is your anniversary - a happy day 63 years ago. You all have come and gone. Feels like life is too short.

Missing you as always.
Love
Your daughter
December 23, 2021
December 23, 2021
Dear Papa

When I opened your memorial today, a very old picture of you and me came up first at the TR Bridge. You were so young - younger than I am now!
Time has come and gone. Where are you? Somewhere you can still see me? I hope so. 

Chris told me again the other day how much I look like you. I don't see it but many have said this - so it must be true. Certainly don't have your BIG smile for sure. A part of me is gone with you all and there is a hole in my heart. I want to be complete for Chris but how can I be? 

Well, it is your another anniversary coming up. You always wanted to send up a balloon - I will start that tradition next year when (if) this pandemic ends. You were so sad on that last anniversary that you could not send her balloons. But now you are with her.

This is also almost four years since you went away. I wouldn't have wanted you to suffer any more but wish that I was there with you to hold your hands. I remember a year before that when you were in the hospital and felt that was your last day, you held my hand so tight... 

You should have been home just like Mummy was... and everyone else in the family - every one left this World from the comfort of their home. You did not deserve this. But at this point I can only hope, and it makes me feel just a little happy, that Mummy came for you in the end and took you by the hand and was as protective of you as she ever was - even when she was angry about something.

Four whole years! It is a long time but yet seems to have gone by fast. You and I had been like siblings as I was growing up; then like a daughter for a long while and finally like a mother - well not quite but I felt like I lost a son - a really strange feeling but there it was. The last four years of your life without Mummy brought us much closer and yet when I should have been there, I wasn't. That is my biggest regret.

I know you can see me from wherever you are and are probably smiling at me for talking like this. You always were a teaser.

Missing you today and always.
Love
Your daughter


December 10, 2021
December 10, 2021
Dear Papa

You will always be as fresh in my memory as ever. Whenever I imagine your face, it is always smiling. At the same time I feel a pang because you were so unassuming and trusting and kind. If only you were more worldly...

Here's something you would be so proud of... 

From St. Mary's Momentum magazine:
"
Stroke Center journey
Thanks to the generous support from the
community, St. Mary’s Foundation recently
funded a neurointerventional radiology (Neuro
IR) digital simulation model to help support the
multi-year journey to advanced Stroke Center
certification. The simulator will augment physician
training and support proficiency and credentialing
in addition to providing support for onboarding
of technicians who work on Neuro IR procedures
and other clinical areas. Generous gifts to the
Mary K. Berge Endowment, Saroj & Sushil Bansal
Endowment and the Innovation and Environment
fund made this investment possible!
"

This is your legacy...

With all my love.
Your daughter
November 27, 2021
November 27, 2021
Dear Papa

I am listening to the "Happy Birthday" you left for me on the phone in 2014 and you ended it with "call back". I don't know how... Can you hear me when I call out your name? 

I miss you so much - it is just so hard without you and not being able to come and see you and spend time with you - and of course - argue and fight with you. It still doesn't seem real that you are not within my reach. Haven't been able to go to Wisconsin in two years now because of the pandemic. I want to go and sit on your bench and imagine you sitting beside me with a balloon for Mummy in your hand.

I miss you coming to the airport to pick me up even after your stroke. Now that I think of it, it scares me to realize how dangerous it was for you to be driving in that condition. But I didn't have the heart to say 'no' to something you wanted so badly and you did work very hard to be allowed to drive again.
How could I deprive you of one thing you wanted so badly - the little bit of indpendence you could have.

Well, I just miss you so much today. My heart is full of sadness for all the lost times and for all the things that must remain unsaid and undone.

Hope to see you all in my dream again soon.
With all my love
Your daughter
November 5, 2021
November 5, 2021
Dear Papa

Last time I saw you ever was on Diwali.  I was so wrapped up and focused on you and what was going on that I didn't realize it was Diwali. Had I thought of it, I would have done something special for you. But we did do something special, didn't we. Chris and I took you to that Botanical garden you liked and we had made plans to go there again next time. That was never to be.

I miss you so very much - but then you know it already. This Diwali brought something new for me - a special gift from Mummy and Usha mausi -- A reminder of holiday celebrations that I grew up with. 

I hope you are smiling... I know you are...

Love always
Your daughter

October 6, 2021
October 6, 2021
Great memories of you will always remain with me. No body else in family have the qualities that you was carrying otherwise people today demands ack now 100 times for their deed if they have rarely done some good.to some one some time.
October 6, 2021
October 6, 2021
Happy 88th Birthday, Papa. 
I can see the smile that used to lit up your face.
Hope you are smiling today. Wish I could see you just one more time.

October 21st, 2017 was the last time i saw you and for some reason whenever I picture that last moment, I always see your healthy face and you wearing that maroon - dark brown T-shirt and a big smile. May be that is a gift from you to me...

Thank you for all the happy memories and for always being there for me. Whenever I fell, it never felt a hard hit because you were there to catch me.

Happy Birthday and hope all my love reaches you.
Your daughter
October 5, 2021
October 5, 2021
Dear Papa

Your birthday is coming up tomorrow... In 2017 at this time Chris and I were at Williamsburg and I thought that you would still be around for at least couple of more years. You were very - or at least seemed to be - very resiliant. So I thought we still have more time. But that was not to be. 

You were very tired - I know - by that time - of everything and everyone. You counted on me as you knew I counted on you for being there; but I was becoming impatient with wanting you walk again and I hurt you, I am afraid with my anger and disappointed looks. Every single time when I was upset with you and I would walk out in anger to the car - by the time I got in the car, I was planning my next trip to come and see you. I know you didn't know it then - but hope that now you can see and feel it all from wherever you are.

That I would be creating a memorial for you - was far from my thoughts and that you won't be around always for me was unthinkable - even at that stage. I had plans to take you back to the Botanical Garden again when it warmed up during my last visit. You enjoyed the garden. You took pictures even in that condition! The thought does make me smile. You were a lot stronger than I ever gave you credit for - both you and Mummy... And Babaji and Ammaji. None of you ever complained about us not being there when you most needed us and for not making things right.

Those last four years without Mummy - just you and me - I wish you had been well and I wonder how that life in the parallel universe would have been like.

I wish I was there in the end to hold your hand so that you could feel how loved you were and how much you would be missed.

In my dreams, I'll always see you
soar above the sky.
In my heart, there'll always be
a place for you for all my life.
I will keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am,
There you'll be.

Happy Birthday Papa
With all my Love
Your daughter


October 1, 2021
October 1, 2021
Dear Papa

We have come very far from the days when I was 10 and used to find it impossible to be able to live without Babaji. And here we are - even you have been gone almost 4 years now. Your birthday is coming up. And today it is 27 years since Ammaji left us. I know how much you missed her even though you never let it be shown. I am glad you got to be there in her last moments. I know she found peace when she saw you. 

The pain of losing someone is bad enough but not being there to be able to say goodbye and hold their hand is just too much to bear. I specially feel that pain for you because you were all alone and in unimaginable distress. I should have been there. Should have been there for all of you. Having to live with this guilt and pain is my punishment and I do embrase it.

I am missing Ammaji so much today - though there is not a day when I don't think of her - and of all of you - all of my family that is not with me anymore.
I don't know and won't know until I too am gone whether or not I will see you again. I hope so...

Love you.
A BIG hug to you and to Babaji, Ammaji and Mummy...
Your daughter

September 26, 2021
September 26, 2021
Dear Papa

Your birthday is coming up soon and I think of that day - now almost 4 years ago - on your birthday. Jerri told me that you woke up with a smile because it was your day. 

I am so sorry Papa that I wasn't there with you that day. I didn't know that it was your last - but that is no excuse. You were alone and I should have made more effort. Should have done a whole lot of things - now that I look back. But can't bring the past back and can't go back to fix all the wrongs.

I always remember all the sacrifices you and Mummy made for us - not many would have done all that - and neither of you ever complained or ever said anything to remind us when we seemed to have become too busy with our own lives. A "thank you" is not enough. 

I miss you so very much - missed your card yesterday but I know you were thinking of us wherever you are.

With all my love
Your daughter

September 8, 2021
September 8, 2021
Dear Papa

We said goodbye to Mummy just about at this time - 5:00am in Madison. She waited until we turned the lights out for just about 10 min. 

You said that she has just fallen asleep for few months to be born again and that you will meet her again in next life even though you may not recognize one another. I hope that is true; but I hope that you both are "up above" somewhere with all the rest of our family and are happy; have your days filled with sunshine and love and laughter - and are waiting for me some day to join. I hope you will come for me just as Mummy did for you.

You and I were with Mummy in the end - at home in her bed - in peace - just like she would have wanted to go. There is that consolation at least.

You are not here with me to share - having you around used to help bearing the losses. But you are somewhere. 

I lit the candle as usual last night and as I stepped down, it flickered brightly. I take that as a sign...

With all my love.
Your daughter
September 7, 2021
September 7, 2021
Dear Papa

Who knew that September will bring so many happy things and so much loss - all packed within a month? We came - leaving all we loved - on the 4th; Mummy was born and lost to us; Chris and my anniversary; Babaji and Ammaji's birthday and then Ammaji's last day with us - all within 30 days!

You and Mummy must have suffered so much this last night 8 years ago - I can only begin to imagine. I should not have left her that night. We both - you and I - lost so much with her; and this day was the last of us - three of us - together. But it all seems very strange to think that 8 years have passed without her; and almost 4 now without you! How does one go on without people one can't imagine life without??

Are you some place safe now? And happy? I hope so...

With all the loving memories
Your daughter
August 30, 2021
August 30, 2021
Dear Papa

I had a dream of you just the other day. You were running - as usual- to catch a train and turned to look to see where I was. Just at that moment I remember thinking 'where is mum?' and then I remembered (still in my dream) that she was not with us anymore and I thought how lonely you must be feeling!

It was just a dream but was a reminder of those days - just after Mummy - you were suddenly without someone you spent almost 54 years of your life with and took it (as we all do and did) for granted that she would always be there. You woke up a day after her at 4am and you were crying - missing her. 

I just can't help thinking about what it may have been like if you hadn't had your stroke. Wonder how our lives would have been then - without her. As it was, you gave up even though you didn't say it but you didn't want to try anymore - the loss of her and loss of so much else. In hindsight I can certainly understand that. But I pushed you very hard because I knew you could walk again and that was the only thing I was focused on. I would ask for your forgiveness but I won't as I don't deserve it. I was old enough to have been more understanding. I should have taken more time off to be with you - should have.. and would have... that is all I have left from those days.

Why didn't you teach me to hide all I feel behind a big smile?

Love you
Your Gudia


July 28, 2021
July 28, 2021
Dear Papa

We have befriended an 84 year old man we met at the bike trail. He reminds me so much of you. Like you, he drives a van with ramp and is as resourceful as you were. While he is not disabled, but he is old and misses his wife he lost 2 years ago very much. He talks about her whenever we meet. His children are very protective of him and hence the van with all the equipment needed to get the bike in and out of the van along with his mobility scooter.

I keep thinking how much you would have enjoyed riding a battery powered trike like his! It makes me smile to think of all those heart beats I would have missed because you would have insisted on going fast just like Chris does. If things didn't deteriorate the way they did for your health, we would have bought you one and the fun we would have had together. I think most of the times you would have preferred to go just with Chris (and he with you) because he would not have fussed and worried about you the way I would have. It just saddens me so much thinking of all the fun you missed and the smile we missed that would have been on your face.

So whenever we are talking to him, I am reminded of what we missed...

I just wanted to tell you this.
Love you
Your daughter
July 16, 2021
July 16, 2021
Forgive me for needing you
to be strong forever.
Forgive me for fearing
your unhappiness.
As you suffer
so I shall suffer.
As you endure
so I shall endure.
Hold my hands
and walk the old walk
one last time...
- By William Nicholson
June 20, 2021
June 20, 2021
Dear Papa

Hope you heard me say "Happy Father's Day". We always use to go out to eat on this day. Woodlands has now closed. I wish so much that I took you there to eat that day but it was so hot! It was your favorite restaurant. You loved that huge dosa! 

I made your egg curry yesterday for the first time and thought of you. I have a video of you making it at Wisconsin house.

Miss you today and always.
Sending you lots of love and balloons.
Your daughter
June 8, 2021
June 8, 2021
Dear Papa

I was reminded of "Little Caesar's Pizza" today and a memory came flooding back at me. One day after Mummy was gone, you and I were there and as we were getting out of the car, you pointed at a place in the parking and said so wistfully "We used to park there and eat pizza for lunch". I am not likely to forget our lives together or any part of it but few things stand out more - may be because they were important; may be because they were happy and sunny; may be because they were just so sad This memory falls in the latter category. I think of it every now and then and feel such a pain in my heart for the sadness you must have felt at the terrible loss - loss of Mummy; loss of what it felt to be home with someone you spent more than half of your life with, loss of your own physical capabilities. 

That was one of the rare moments when you expressed your feelings. I wish you did that more often and may be if you did, you may have avoided some of the problems that came from being too stressed and burdened with so much.

Once again, what if...

I wish I could take your pain away...

Thinking of you - as always.
Your daughter
May 25, 2021
May 25, 2021
Dear Papa

I am reminded of today of that injury you had to your ribs when you took a fall in the bathroom. That fracture never healed. I know now how much it must have hurt - and even more when there wasn't anyone to take care of you. You lived with that fracture for over a year and never complained. 

You managed to tolerate a whole lot of pain - much more than I used to give you credit for. I knew you were emotionally very strong and over the years kept all the hurt and sadness that came your way hidden in your heart. But I didn't think you were capable of handling so much physical pain.

But you were... And you did it with your famous BIG smile.

I was just thinking about it today...

Love you
Your daughter
May 9, 2021
May 9, 2021
Dear Papa

I wish that you were around and we could send a balloon up to Mummy and Ammaji together. Last time we did that from the Bench, I didn't know that that would be the last time for it. I know how much you wanted to do that - it had become a tradition with you. I will start this tradition again soon just because it was important to you.

There is never enough time, is there?!?

Missing you very much
Love
Your daughter
March 7, 2021
March 7, 2021
Dear Papa

Today we had a more serious talk about our move and I wish you could have been here. I can just picture your BIG smile and excitement. You were a happy sort of person. That didn't rub off on me :) 

If we cannot do it physically, at least I have some beautiful dreams of us vacationing together somewhere :) It was a really nice and vivid dream. 

You will always be with me... always. No matter how old I get, you are always going to be my Papa and I miss you so very much.

I remember when we first bought the house - four of us - in Temple Hills, that was such a happy time! Mummy was younger than I was but I remember being afraid that she may fall from the steps and break her hip or something :)
That happiness of 'home' didn't last very long after that. But we made some anyway, didn't we? Our vacations together, time we spent, pizzas we ate... I always think of you on Fridays because I remember bringing different kinds of things as you and I liked pizza, mummy liked veggie calzone and Chris wanted salad! Kheer that Mummy made... Cappuccino you used to make... I miss it all. Most of all I miss your smile that said everything will be alright.

Love you Papa.
Your daughter
February 14, 2021
February 14, 2021
Dear Papa

Always this day brings back those memories of 8 years ago and I look at the clock every now and then and live through that again - though I was not there then. If I were, I may have recognized the signs and things may have turned out different. Who knows...

You used to take pride in the fact that you didn't have any medical problems at your age! 

But I try and learn to be more like you in that find a silver lining in a cloud and hang on to that but it doesn't come naturally to me. Still I am trying. I was lucky to have had four of you in my life for as long as I did. So many don't have that kind of luck. And I did - and still do - get more than my share of love. I have been very lucky indeed. I think what really makes me sad is the thought of every one of you suffering so very much. 

Whenever I see you in my dream, it brings me such joy and makes my day a happy one...

Love you always.
Your daughter
February 13, 2021
February 13, 2021
Dear Papa

This was the fatal night - 8 years ago now - that changed our lives even more for the worse. At this time, just about 3:50pm - you were going about your business - ready to teach the exercise class at the Sr. Center next day. But less than 6 hours later bad things begun. If only you recognized the signs or at least let someone know, something could have been done.

But there are all these could-have, should-have, would-have's in life. May be there are parallel universes where other scenarios play out - but we have to live in ours and endure all it offers.

But you made Lemonade when life offered you lemons - that's for sure - and you did that with a BIG smile. I am very proud of you - was always. You were able to many things I could not have the courage to - more than anything else - resigning from government service for us - not many parents would do that. But there were many other things - starting your own business, never losing hope despite of set backs; even passing Real Estate exam and actually working as an agent! Never would I be brave enough to do that. But then even later on with all the stuff going on, you were a force to reckon with - that's for sure.

I told Mummy about a movie we watched last night. There was a "papa" in it also who did something that reminded me so much of you and I wondered if it was just by chance we came across that movie or if there was some kind of plan. The man's daughter was having few not-so-nice-phone conversations with her Mom and Mom was very distressed and worried about the daughter. "papa" called his daughter and tried to explain to her how worried her Mom was and tried to explain to her that she should be more understanding and take care not to hurt Mom's feelings. You had those conversations with me couple of times - once here and once when you picked me up at the airport and Mummy was home because she had just returned from hospital. It was so uncanny to be watching that movie last night - and around this time!

I know you all are watching out for me. And I am happy that Mummy is at peace because I am in good hands - she always used to worry so.

Today is a painful day because of what happened to you. But it also reminds me of your strength. I was telling Chris just the other day that by the next day when I arrived in the hospital to see you, Shailu was pushing your wheelchair in to the room and you were smiling!!

I loved that smile. I miss that smile. I hope I will have your strength some day if/when I need it.

Love you always.

Your daughter
February 9, 2021
February 9, 2021
Dear Papa

We walked by the little shelter on the lake as we took a walk this evening. Chris always remembers it and you and the bike ride you two took together and it rained. We walked in for a bit and then when we went across it, I looked over across the lake and could imagine you waving at us and smiling :)

That will always be a place of your remembrance.

Love you and miss you.
Your daughter
February 3, 2021
February 3, 2021
Dear Papa

I have a good news. Your endowment will make its first distribution this year toward one of the projects it is set to support - either cancer or stroke patients. I am so glad for your inspiration so that it will make a difference for long time to come. I hope you are smiling.

I just wish this happened during your lifetime. you would have been so proud. I can still see a big smile on your face beaming with happiness. 

Love you and miss you always.
Your daughter
February 1, 2021
February 1, 2021
Dear Papa

We took a walk on Lake Elkhorn on Chris's birthday. He always talks about that bike ride he took you on and it poured down. He told me how he asked you if you wanted to turn back or keep going and you replied "let's go". He laughed and said that he knew that is what you would say before he even asked :) So like you. What ifs were not in your vocabulary or thoughts, were they? 

He always talks about you when we are there. You must have enjoyed that ride. Wish there were more times like those.

Just wanted to tell you this story because it made us think of you with a smile.

Love you always.
Your daughter
January 27, 2021
January 27, 2021
Dear Papa

Someone said, in a show I was watching today, "sometimes the hardest thing to do is to relinquish control, specially when it comes to people we love". How applicable it is/was to you and me - and to some extent, to Mummy. But I couldn't do it - even now that I know the outcome You - being able to walk and live an independent life - was all I wanted during those last 4 years of your life. 

Hope you are at peace. I see you once in a while in my dreams- sometimes you are well, and sometimes not This has to be enough for now - I suppose.

3 years is a long time and yet everything seems so recent.

Missing you very much
Your daughter
January 17, 2021
January 17, 2021
Dear Papa

We were watching a mystery program last night having to do with nursing home for elderly. It brought back to the front that lurks in the back of my mind and I wondered all over again what actually happened to you on that last night. The suddenness of it and the fact that none of us could be there at the time to ascertain of the cause will always cause a shadow of doubt in my mind. Yes you were not doing well but then you were well enough to make that painting just a few hours before.. you were able to reply to me via text - may be just about 2-3 hours before it happened. 

Did you need help and called for it but no one came - as it was happening more and more from what I saw.

There is no way to find out... And in the end the fault lies with us - your children - and mostly with me. We were supposed to take care of you. Babaji and Ammaji both were in that condition they would never have imagined in the end and needed the help that I can only imagine how much it cost them to take. But their children who were there managed to care for them at home - willingly or unwillingly - the fact remains. We should have been able to do the same for you two. So how can we blame the strangers to not do all that was expected of them? 

It is just the mystery of it all - how and when - because I can't really be certain whether it was the 28th or 29th. But mostly it is the 'how' that haunts me.

I hope you are at peace now with Mummy and all of our family. 

Missing you.
With love, your daughter
January 1, 2021
January 1, 2021
Dear Papa

Another year is here without you. Wishing you a Happy New Year wherever you are. Hope it is nice and warm and that you are with the whole family and have that BIG smile you have become so famous for :)

I am missing you very much. -- but you know that already.

I still manage to find surprises now and then when I am looking at old photos. I found a photo of you that I would not have recognized if you didn't have your name on it! This is a picture of you when you were a young boy! It was like a "Happy New Year" gift for me that you sent to me from Heaven! Thank you!

Papa, you know - don't you how thankful I am for all you did and all you gave up to give us the life that we now have. I said it to you - not often enough - but hope that you heard it. You gave up much more than most parents would. I am also grateful to Babaji Ammaji who never complained at having been left at the age of 79 to manage for themselves. You all collectively gave us so much - so much more than we deserved - and I say that because in our turn we were not there for any of you - not enough...

And that is what that rankles the most. Regret is a useless emotion - as Dr. Switzer wrote to me once - but it is also the most painful one.

Missing you as always but specially today. The new calendar is up that you won't get to see - or won't you? 

Love you always.
Your daughter


December 29, 2020
December 29, 2020
Real person. Real character. Real main you was my real chacha in all means. Miss you. My tributes. Sadar naman.
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March 21
March 21
Dear Papa

I had cappuccino today since the time you made it - in 2013 after your stroke, I think you made it once... I know for sure you made it in December 2012 when I was there. It wasn't as good because I am kind of doing it from memory and I never actually made it because this was your thing. 

"Papa, coffee piyogai?" - that's all I had to say and you would be off - never lazy about it.  Three of us - you, Mummy and me - we used to love it. I thought of Mummy - she always liked cashews with it. 

I miss your coffee... I miss you...

I regret to say that I cannot get your cappuccino machine to work as I destroyed it. I neglected to clean it after using it couple of times and it calcified. I tried to get someone to fix it but not sure what they did, it came back spilling lots of black stuff and now it refuses to work at all. Few years ago when it stopped working, I managed to find someone who was selling theirs's (exact same model), i bought it. But I never used it in the hopes that I could still get yours's to work. But I have to give up on it. I can still use some of the parts from your machine, so that is some consolation. 

So I opened that machine today and was pleasantly surprised that it worked! Coffee didn't quite taste as good as yours. Also it was much more enjoyable thing to do in the afternoons after lunch with you and Mummy. Chris is not a coffee person - so I tried it by myself. Your memories were with me, so at least there was that.

I am sorry that I broke your machine. You were so fond of it - so fond of coffee and actually liked making it :) Egg-curry is another thing of yours's that I miss. 

Holi is around the corner. We hadn't celebrated any of these holidays together in a long time even when you both were around. We were so bogged down with all the problems. I was telling Chris earlier today that both his as well as mine, mothers, lost quarter of a century being severely ill. All four of you were so devoted to God - even until the end - and had faith in him. I think Tauji was also very devoted. Where does this faith come from, I am trying to understand. Did any of you ever question what kind of God would bring about such pain and suffering those who believe in a God? I try to tell myself that if you all had such faith, then there must be a God somewhere. While I don't condone the pain he brought about to you all, I tell myself that he was the one who gave me such a loving environment to grow up in. There are so many who don't have what I have had and still do. I try to think of the dreams I have had of you and what I consider 'signs' that you are somewhere at peace whenever I feel sad.

I just wanted to share the coffee experience with you.

And while I am talking to you, the little cutting you sent me that said "her beti kai Bhagya mein pita hota hai, per her pita kai Bhagya mein beti nehi hoti" and you signed it with "and so I am lucky... -- Papa". I don't think that it is true that "her beti kai Bhagya mein pita hota hai" -- there are some who have a "pita" but just in name. So I am lucky too - for being part of you and for having your blood through my veins and for the love you bestowed on me all your life. I don't know whether you were lucky. I didn't take care of you, so how can you be? You said that when you were in the nursing home. I wonder why you still loved me.

Life keeps moving forward. I wish I could go back even if for just a few moments - like the moment I had one evening when I dozed off and was momentarily at the Vijayanagar home in my room and then I woke up with such a jilt! It was very real; real enough that I still feel it when I think of it. As real as Mummy's voice sounded a few months ago when she called my name...

I miss you always...
With each one of you a part of me has gone; so how can I be the same now?

Love you
Your daughter
March 19
March 19
Dear Papa

Last time I wrote to you on the 12th, I said that I wished I would see you in my dream...

Perhaps you were listening... of course you were... I know you are always with me in spirit... in my heart. So I had a beautiful dream full of jugnu and butterflies and the house in Thapar Nagar. It was out of this World as the jugnu and butterflies fluttered about me. I heard Babaji's voice and have a feeling that Mummy was there too. So I am sure both you and Ammaji were there as well. I woke up happy... At least for today I will try to not think of you with sadness and regrets... just memories of happy years we had together...

You are somewhere safe and peace, I know...
Thank you for the beautiful dream!

I love you always.
Your daughter
Recent stories

Scholarships through NASH Foundation

October 6, 2023
This scholarship was created to award some funds to a student per year in hopes for continuing Babaji and Ammaji's legacy.  Even if just one of these students serves the community free of charge once they become doctors, this whole effort will have been worth everything.

It is because of the sacrifices my Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy made, that I am able to make this tiny effort to carry on their legacy.

The new Patio at Fitchburg Senior Center

October 6, 2023
Thought you would like to see it...
I made some small contributions to it on your behalf... So I feel this belongs partly to you along with so many others who kindly donated.

Your memory lives on ...

October 6, 2023
Jill has been so very kind to me all through these years.  Her friendship is a gift to me from both of you.
She asked me if I would like a plaque at the new patio they have built outside the Senior Center for people to sit around, chat and socialize.  It looks beautiful in pictures!  

Jill says that both of you would like it. I hope so.  Maybe this is all the birthday gift I can give you?  Your name will go on as long as the center stands.  And you will live on as long as I live.

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