Morning, Mom. I know I don't need to tell YOU, how sick and tired of BEING sick and tired I AM; this NEEDS to stop. I have an appointment with Nilsa this morning that it looks like I won't be able to make it to now. Chris was gonna bring me... But his truck won't start, and THAT happened last night, so I was at least forewarned. I let them know at the Doctor's that it would all depend on a ride; but they WANT to see me, and I WANT to BE SEEN. Well, that was Chris on the phone... Haha I DO find it funny that whenever I either talk or think about him, he calls or shows up. Perhaps he and I have our own 'connection'… After what he described to me on the phone, it's the starter. So, yeah; no appointment today. I just called and cancelled it. I was grateful, and touched by him the other night... He was SO worried about me, he stayed so Blayze didn't have to. I had asked Blayze to, because I was legitimately scared to be alone, with everything going on with me. He watched over me all night, Mom... He kept checking on me. I woke up to him standing over me, just looking at me. He told me he HAD to check on me, because he had NEVER seen ME look anything like that; and it SCARED him. Yeah... He knew 'the younger, stronger' me. 20 years makes a big difference; especially when you have debilitating conditions like we do. But, Mom... The things he remembers... Especially for such a 'soaked brain' from drinking so much all these years; but the DETAILS he remembers, astonish me. He REALLY DID and DOES 'LOVE' me; genuinely. It's not just 'a word' you say to get what you want from a woman; HE GENUINELY 'LOVES' me... And always has. He's never forgotten the little intimate details; and when we talk... He TALKS about ME and the memories SO 'fondly', 'lovingly' and 'adoringly'; never a bad word... And there never WAS between us; we were together over a year. He remembers what happened the first time we 'tried' to be intimate; I started to cry, so we didn't. I just couldn't yet. I THOUGHT I was over my ex, and I DID have real feelings for him; we had been together for a few months by that point. I felt like SUCH a jerk, and HE was SUCH a comforting gentleman; he understood. And we moved on from there. WHEN I was ready, it was all good... And he remembers HOW 'all good' it was. Haha Especially after everything in my life as of late; hearing about the 'younger' me was actually a pleasure. He even said it; he remembers me being a VERY "sexual woman"… Because I WAS, with the right person that I loved and had FEELINGS for. So, I obviously haven't changed in the morals department, anyway. 

Chris says he's gonna win big, and we're gonna leave here together. Haha Well, if he wins big, who knows? I'll believe it when I see it. Haha Something's gotta happen though, Mom. I obviously can't keep doing what I'm doing; not for too much longer anyway. People, doctors; everyone always tells me to "take care of YOU", because I can't take care of everybody else if I'M sick. Haha But the fact of the matter is... If I don't, WHO WILL??? I don't have a 'Me' in MY life; I wasn't as blessed as you, to have a child that would move HEAVEN and EARTH if they had to for you, their Mother. I'd miss work, drive to your house BEFORE work; I spent the time with you in the hospital, ANY time you were there, day AND night... I just REALLY wish I had a 'Me'; life wouldn't be quite so scary. Sometimes, it just makes me think... If I don't want to be alone, I may have to 'settle', at least somewhat. There's Chris... At least he doesn't cheat and I KNOW when he says he loves me, he MEANS it. It's not just something he says to every woman... Maybe he IS my 'ultimate love'…? I don't know, Mom. I KNOW what he wants; I KNOW what JD wants; they both have legit feelings for me. 2 totally different types of men though. I've also been talking a little with this guy named Guy. Haha He thinks I'm "beautiful". I like it when they say that, or things of the like; even though 'hot' is a compliment too, there IS a difference. It's in their perception OF you. I like that men think I'm 'hot', too; but again, there's a difference in the perception, and it speaks volumes about them. Chris has ALWAYS referred to me as "a beautiful and lovely Lady". He was even telling me, over and over (Haha), that yesterday while I was getting ready for work, he was watching me. He saw me in the bathroom in my black dress, and he said that I am SUCH a beautiful woman; inside and out. He said it's not just my looks; I am JUST a "beautiful Lady and woman"; that [I] was "Fine, all the way around; no matter HOW you looked at [me]." I told him he had no clue how much that meant to me... And you know what? That's how Chris has ALWAYS been; It's NOT an act. He was like that when we were together before; and I was just 'the Girl that got away' because of his stupid drinking. I don't want a MAJOR drinker, smoker, liar, cheater or thief. I need someone I can believe IN and depend ON; IF that ever happens. Haha But, according to the cards, I'm gonna have to choose.

Wow... Blayze just walked in and asked if Chris was gonna be able to bring me; I told him no. He said that HE was gonna bring me, because this has gone on TOO long and I was going TODAY. He called his boss, and apparently has been telling his boss about me being sick. So, I have to go get ready for my appointment; he's even going IN with me!!! I think I've scared him... I'm sorry; I didn't mean to. Lord knows, I've been there... 

OK, Mom, I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom; obviously, I'm back. I feel it went OK. Nilsa fully feels what I feel, really... That what I'm going through is combination emotional/physical; and I need to address the emotional aspects, too. I thought that's what I was trying to do; but she, of course, REALLY wants me to get counseling. I DON'T dispute it; I just don't have the transportation THERE. We addressed my pain issues; THAT was a VERY difficult area BECAUSE of how I feel about medications, AND HOW they affect ME. We decided on one after discussion at great length. I've been on it before in the past; but it should address both pain and depression. If I can get rid of the HORRIBLE pain in my body; especially my upper body, I will be SO relieved. To obtain some sort of 'quality of life' would be a step in the right direction. Nilsa liked Blayze; she said what a good son he was. He was even vocal during the appointment, to try and assist me with Nilsa; help her understand things ABOUT me and my life. He was VERY helpful, and I am VERY grateful. He IS a GOOD son... I got my lab work done right there, on the other side of the building. THAT lady was a real peach. We'll see what they have to say.

Chad just ROYALLY pissed me off; but he got a 'taste of reality' BACK from me. He started off the job REALLY strong; just like they all do. Now, I'm getting complaints, he barely works... Talk about 'Free Rent'. So, I did bathroom checks on my way back to the apartment; he happened to come out of his room as I walked into the first one... The MEN'S Room. He knew what I was doing... Haha So, he came over ALL nervous; and YES, I report to Sarah. We had a LONG discussion about him JUST Friday; NEITHER of us are happy, and we talked about possibly hiring out for the cleaning. Just GET it DONE. So, that's a possibility. I've done a little looking; we'll talk tomorrow. But what he just did was text me to see if I got to packing up Rm 223 today. REALLY??? First off, WHO made him MY boss??? Secondly, I'VE been and AM ILL. I'M not GOING to clean it, because I can barely stand, walk or BREATHE. I'm DOING my job... But OH... The text I sent back; I haven't gotten a response. I don't expect one. I'll be showing them to Sarah tomorrow. On top of everything, I've also had Sully EXCEPT for the last two days; but he's home now, too. I don't know... I just found that beyond 'ballsy'.

I've got a LOT of thinking to do to figure some things out; this ALL has to come to an end. I KEEP getting told the SAME things, over and over; "LESSEN YOUR STRESS." "Get more rest and take care of YOU." Yeah, OK... But WHO'S gonna come step into MY life, and take OVER for me so that I can DO just that? Haha Chris talks about "sweeping [me] off [my] feet, and hitting the road; getting out of here." Do you know how GOOD that sounds sometimes? I NEED something different... I want some of what I've had, and a WHOLE lot of different. So, help me out here, Mom. Just whatever I end up with, I know I want it to be REAL. No more liars, cheaters or charmers; REAL. No one is ever gonna make me feel the way I've felt again; not EVER. 

OK, Mom; I'm really tired so I'm gonna relax before I go to sleep. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Yeah, yeah, I know; I TRIED to sleep later. I even managed to stay UP later. But I HAVE to laugh... I got up a little before 4:00 for my 'pee trip', then came back and curled up in bed. I could NOT go back to sleep for the life of me. I laid there thinking; then realized my eyes were open. Haha So, I said to hell with it; just get up. I rolled, saw the clock, and it was 4:20 am. Haha I HAD to laugh... I got up, made coffee and, believe it or not; actually watched a little of this 'Preacher Show' that I always change. Haha The guy was actually REALLY funny; and he made a lot of sense. I listened for a while, then changed it to my regular shows that I have on now; and now I'm here with you.

I gotta tell you something else funny; 'ironic' funny. There's a guy interested in me; another one. Guess what his NAME is... REID. FIRST name!!! Haha Spelled different too, thank God. If anything ever came of it though; anytime I said his name, all I can hear in my head right NOW is KEN'S voice, saying, "Good one REED", or ONE of the things he used to say to me. LMFAO So, I don't know... Haha He could be the NICEST guy in the world; and it just MIGHT not be able to happen. Hahahahahahaha Damn 'Bad Penny'… Hahaha ANYWAY... I don’t know WHY I'm LAUGHING!!! I just find it SO FUNNY!!! Is GOD PURPOSELY slapping me across the face with stuff in my ENTIRE LIFE? Haha I have these, so called 'GIFTS' that IF I talked about, everyone would think I was INSANE or CERTIFIABLE, and just want to burn me at the stake or have me committed somewhere. Especially IF I DID talk about stuff openly; because I DON'T. I only divulge so much. I learned YOUNG, NOT to talk about this stuff, except with YOU, Mom; or our 'LIKE kind'… Which are VERY few and far between. I GET that our 'GIFTS' [AHEM curse] has a LOT of things that 'occur' that make US hard to live with, hard to believe what we tell you is TRUE... But it is; and I think I've proven myself enough to the people that MATTERED to me. The rest is up to them. 

People have SUCH misconceptions as to WHAT 'psychic ability' REALLY IS. I'm not a 'Fortune Teller'or Palm Reader; I don't 'look into crystal balls', or 'stir a witch's brew'. Does that all exist? Certainly; and MORE. I guess it all depends on what you're actually USING your ability FOR. I just allow MINE to come naturally. The cards assist me; they give me hope, confirm me, etc. Otherwise, I 'get feelings' about things I can't explain. I 'know' stuff I don’t know WHY I know... And a LOT of the time, I LITERALLY get a message; I HEAR something said to me. I DON'T KNOW!!! I can't explain it; you had it, too. One Blayze and I were JUST talking about yesterday was Ken and Jason, his son; the message I got from him that I did NOT know how to tell Ken... Because it was about that ring. I KNOW he blames ME for that ring; but I PUT it in his bag when I threw him out, and THAT was the LAST I SAW IT. But it's gone because JASON wants it that way. Jason didn't want ANYONE wearing THAT ring; it was HIS and it was ONLY to be worn by him. It was his wedding ring. I got the message LOUD and clear when I went to put it on; I took it RIGHT off and put it on the ring holder. Ken asked me why I wasn't wearing it; I told him I took it off because my fingers swelled, which was TRUE. But I did NOT know how to tell him about the message. The ring is lost because it should've been buried WITH Jason. ANYONE that finds it, will lose it. The ring that Blayze has that LOOKS a lot like it, is hardened steel; he got it at Myths & Maidens in the mall. Just one of my 'crosses' I bear... Another thing is 'I see dead people'. Haha Just not as though they're STILL living; they're more like 'shadows' if I'm seeing them in FULL human form. Otherwise, it's more like smoke, and then there are the light orbs. 

There's just a LOT that we 'experience'; and all we ever really want out of life is love and acceptance. Right, Mom? I guess, especially where we're so naturally giving of ourselves; we find it hard to comprehend the selfishness in others. We learn HARD lessons in life; which, in turn leaves US 'Broken Angels'. A LOOOOOOT of hard lessons have brought me where I am today; but I'm still standing. I'm still here; waking up everyday to face the world that I really DON'T want to face. People have tried to crush and destroy me over all of these years... But HERE I AM; STILL STANDING. I may not be tall (haha), but I NEVER CRUMBLE. I have my MOMENTS of weakness; but they're moments in time. NOT a lifetime of weakness, like SO many others; and I'm gonna KEEP reminding myself of that. I may not be who and what I WAS; but I'm STILL standing, and still going (somewhat) strong. I'm still independent; for the most part. Maybe I lost the bag of chips; but I guess I'm still 'all that'. Haha Oh, Mom, I love you SO MUCH... <3

There's another guy 'hitting me up'; got right down to "R u single?" Long hair... Yeah, BAD BOY ALERT!!! Haha I said, that as of recently, I am; but I'm not interested in 'chatting up' another 'BAD BOY', THANK YOU VERY MUCH, NO THANK YOU!!! Haha I re-opened my other site, just briefly. I haven't totally decided what I'm gonna do. I'm hoping it was closed long enough, people will stop sending me requests. I realize I 'worded' it incorrectly in the profile area; so I'll have to go change that. But anyway...

I actually got some positive feedback from Lisa that Josh had been talking about me. She said, "You're his WORLD." I looked at her and said, "Wow. That's certainly nicer than hearing what I USUALLY hear that Josh says about me." Haha She said, "No. You DON'T understand. YOU ARE HIS WORLD. I just thought you should know that." OK... Well, GOOD; Because THEY have ALWAYS BEEN MINE. ALWAYS. Always WERE, and always WILL BE. "There will ALWAYS be Three... Just now there's room for Four or more." HE thought I "hated" him... GOD, NO!!! HE'S MY WORLD!!! My first born... The one I depended on for years. He's just gotten 'wayward' in ways; he needs to get his act together. He's doing exactly what he calls WOMEN OUT for; except for us "1 Percenters". Hahaha Thank GOD I fall into that category, or my son and I would have some SERIOUS ISSUES. Haha  I love, Love, LOVE HIM. I just wish he made better decisions so that I could be living my OWN life, rather than raising and supporting Sully; but NOBODY ELSE is gonna do it. If Josh can't handle it; well then, I do what I ALWAYS do and take the reins. I LOVE Sully. Did I WANT this at this point in my life? No; but the fact is, I never 'intended' to have children ANYWAY. It was apparently my LIFE'S plan. I've been 'rearing' children since I WAS a child myself; just LIKE you, Mom. You know... I never thought about that similarity before, because they weren't siblings. But I used to HELP babysit when I was little. I started babysitting on my OWN at 11 years old. I've helped raise kids, other than my own... And now, I'm raising my Grandson. I've been BUSY!!! Haha Sully keeps trying to call me "Momma"; I won't let him. I'm his Meme'. I explain that I DO everything for him that a Mother does; but I'm STILL his Meme'. He, of course plays his 'cutsie' little games; but I DON'T and WON'T allow him to call me by any 'Mother' name. I'm MEME'; I EARNED it. 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. It's still early; I think I'll read some cards or something. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom; Yeah, I'm back. 'We' just did cards, and what a reading. As of late, they've all been a little 'wow'; sometimes, there's so MUCH going on it gets confusing. I spend time with the book to get clarity, as much as possible. But these last few have been much clearer; I just don't know exactly 'who' everybody is... I can only assume in a few areas; others, I'm in complete darkness and will have to wait until it happens. THEN, I'll say, "Oooohhhh. So, THAT'S what that meant in the cards." Hahaha I do it ALL the time. Haha But anyway... As happens NOW and THEN, cards will 'pair'; such as Kings and Queens, the Emperor & Empress, etc. They've been doing that a LOT lately; like the last couple of weeks... And just did it again. King & Queen of Pentacles are together, and so are the Emperor & Empress; these signify 'husbandly' and 'wifely' characters. Those always came up for Ken and I... But, Mom; if I read the cards from beginning to end; the end ALWAYS ending in love and happiness as of late... My 'Ultimate Love'… 

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK. Wait. Let's just talk 'in general' here. I already said he was either moving and/or leaving another relationship; yeah, that could fit. But because he wanted to know what he meant and was worth to 'someone else'; 'a love that went wrong'; his 'true love'. So, he gets to a point where he 'ends' things to move on to HER; because he's 'not ready to give up the fight'. Then enters the Emperor & Empress; AFTER he finally 'ties up loose ends' with the other woman; with whom, there's apparently been some fighting going on anyway. Once he moves on from her to his 'ultimate love'; it's all 'happy place' and 'sunshine' as long as the RIGHT decisions are made... Which were that HE had been on an 'emotional journey', and had come to realizations. Again... I'm READING CARDS here... I'm looking at them RIGHT now. Haha He made up his mind as to what he wanted, and pursued it. But changes are necessary and known; and he's far from the end result. But with effort, in the vehicle of time, he WILL HAVE ALL that he seeks; the woman AND the love in his life. It’s all based on whether he makes the right decisions. Now... I happen to know that woman at the end is me. So, needless to say... That reading scared the HELL out of me. Who ELSE could it be, Mom??? Let's just be real here. Unless I have another ex out there that's in love with me that I'M in love with. I don't know... He CAN'T keep coming in and out of my life; love or not. He 'damages' me SO much EVERY time... SERIOUS changes would have to be QUITE apparent in order... He was EVERYTHING to me; and he destroyed me, carelessly. I want what I want; and I don't want to settle. And I DESERVE NOT to have to. I've been ALONE and WORKING on myself. What has he been doing? Being 'Ken', and that's ALL I have to say; we know his 'habits'. I LOVE him and even miss him; but imagine what he could've accomplished in a month...? Kelly Beard is just two words TOO many; and I'm sorry, I know she contacted ME because Ken contacted HER. I've gotten 'wind' he's been 'in the office'. It is what it is... He just can't seem to stay away from people like that; 'trash', and I don't know why. I heard she looks even worse now than she did when she lived here. But, "you look how you live"; that's what you taught me, and I've SEEN it for myself. Sex and drugs are a hard life... But, I guess all the 'rumors' about Kelly and how for a 'Toot', her 'area' isn't disappointing, was just too much knowledge to have and not try? Not to mention other rumors. Samantha Lepine; a pain in the ass, trashy little REDHEAD. She's another one; he's got a 'thing' for her, too. One named Patience... Among many others. But I guess one of the things that really bothers me on top of it all, is his dishonesty about it. If you're SO ASHAMED of ALL that you do; STOP DOING it. You LIE and are ashamed BECAUSE you know it's all wrong. Especially... Especially when you could have had something SO wonderful; SO beautiful and phenomenal as you and I were together. And you know what? THAT was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY; at least I always have been. I'm dependable and reliable, among other things. Again... I don’t want to, and don't believe that I've just been a 'comfortable convenience' for the last 3-½ years; it may have started off that way, but he fell in love with me for REAL. I DO KNOW and can FEEL the difference. I knew when he was 'with ME' and when he was somewhere else in his head; I didn't like it, but I knew. I guess I just can't wrap my brain around that if I can love and accept HIM with ALL HIS faults, issues, past, etc; WHY does he need MORE than ME, when there are SO MANY MEN that would LOVE to have a CHANCE with me, and CAN'T? Not even when I'm single. But HE HAD me; I LOVE him, and he continually screws me over. WHY??? YES, I KNOW it's not me, it's him... 

Mom. I WANT love in my life, and I WANT it to be that 'Ultimate Love' that I'm always shown, and can I say 'promised'? I WANT IT. But it HAS to be right for me... PLEASE. I'm leaving this all in yours, the other Blessed Mother's and all that is Spiritual and Holy's hands. I'm trying so hard to better myself so that I can MAYBE have somewhat of a 'normal', even sex life with whomever I'm with. IF that's going to be Ken... Then HE has to do the same; work on himself, so that none of the same issues EVER occur again... EVER. Funny thing is, I keep getting mail for him, which means he hasn't changed his address. Why? I'm blocked on Facebook, he's 'doing his thang' with women... Why not change his address? I don't know... Anyway, just PLEASE look out for MEEEE; WHOEVER this man is. I want and NEED some happiness in my life now. I've had enough of everything else; MORE than enough OR my share. 

OK, Mom, that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

"Best Of Intentions" - Travis Tritt

I had big plans for our future,
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow
I tried makin' good on that promise,
Thought I'd be so much further by now
Never could build you a castle,
Even though you're the queen of my heart
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser,
Cause I seldom get things right
But you make me feel like a winner,
When you wrap me in your arms so tight
Please tell me you will remember,
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along

[Chorus:]
I'd gave you a ring, and I promised you things
I always thought we'd do

But my best-laid plans slipped right through my hands
to show my love for you.
And if you could read my heart,
then you'd know without exception
It was all with the best of_ intentions

[Chorus]

So here I am asking forgiveness,
and praying that you'll understand
Don't think I take you for granted,
girl I know just how lucky I am
Though you deserve so much better,
you won't find devotion more true
Cause I've had the best of intentions
Girl I've had the best of intentions,
Yes, I've had the best of intentions
loving you...
------------------

This song ALWAYS makes me think of Ken. I just heard THIS and 'Strip It Down'. But when I first got to my office, 'Head Over Boots' was playing. I'm TELLING YA!!! KNOCK IT OFF!!!

I'm having REAL bad chest pains today, and I have Pest Control tomorrow. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me. I'm having a REAL HARD day today. I was supposed to call Friday if not better and DIDN'T.... Sharp, stabbing pain... Gotta go. Love you, Mom. <3

OK, Mom... As you can see, I made it back up here; I took Xanax this time and I'm laying down. Oh my Lord, it was horrible... Stabbing pain, right in the left side of my chest; and I could NOT get a breath. I actually ran into Chris up on the second floor, coming out of Tuesday's room. He said, "What the HELL is WRONG with you??? You need to go to the hospital." I just kept waving my hand 'no'; I just needed a pill and to relax. Those attacks wear me out though... So I'm gonna get something to eat and lay down. Thank you for being with me and getting me back to the apartment safely.

I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Sorry it's taken me so long to get here today; but as you saw, it was a busy day for me... All the way around. I was UP before 4:00; but I started cleaning my phone, and checking messages. JD saw me on and messaged me; "Hey, what are Y0U doing up so early?" We ended up messaging until 8:00, when he had to open Mike's. Haha He's REEAALLY laying the pressure on me... It's getting heavier. He wants me to come to HIS house now; get me on HIS turf for the NIGHT. I told him I've been ill; I'm not up to it. Plus I have Sully. He said HE thinks I'm scared. Haha I said, well, YEAH. For me to be on HIS turf for the NIGHT... I want to keep things 'simple'; but HE wants what he WANTS. Haha He says he "respects" me, would BE a gentleman and control himself. Yeah... He IS a gentleman and he DOES respect me; but I'm not so sure he'd stay totally in control. He'd at least try, persistently to get something going; and that would make me VERY uncomfortable. I'm not ready to even be TOUCHED by anyone else; never mind other intimate acts. WHEN I'm ready, I'll know it; but it's not NOW, and I doubt it will be soon. I need time for ME, and to heal. As a RULE, women aren't like men; we can't just hop out of ONE bed and into ANOTHER. That's what kills me about what both Chris AND JD have said when I said I have no interest in sex. They say something like, "what's wrong with 2 people giving each other a little pleasure?" OK; nothing, I guess... But who said it gave ME pleasure? Especially with the WRONG person? I'M not wired that way; SORRY... I don't 'get laid' because I broke up with my boyfriend, and I have a broken heart that needs mending. Yeah... Jumping RIGHT in bed with just ANY [wrong] old 'Joe' should do the TRICK. Haha Fix my problems RIGHT up. I'm SO glad I'm smarter than that... But I need some help in putting them off in a delicate manner that they'll accept. I just need some time; that's all I'm asking. But I'm also not saying that I'm ever gonna choose either JD or Chris for anything other than a friend. Chris, I've outgrown; but I could never tell HIM that. That's just too insensitive; but it's the truth. JD... I don't know. I love the guy, just not like that. I can't see myself with him that way; he's not my 'Ultimate Love'. I DO wonder who IS though... There's more than one man though; I'll have to choose one. But there's more than one woman, too. I think he'll be leaving a relationship or will have just moved, or both; something. MEN and WOMEN ALL over the place. Haha I don't know, Mom... I have SO MUCH to overcome; SO MUCH healing to do. I feel like it's forever away. I've spent MONTHS before trying to move on... I want to; I'm so scared.

IN honesty, what scares me the most, other than getting hurt again... Is never finding the 'qualities' it took me a lifetime to find in a mate. Amazingly enough, I found them in Ken; and we connected. Unfortunately, he had his other side, too; if SOMETHING could only have been done.... We'd still BE. I don't want to believe that I'm just 'one' in a string of women throughout his travels; that has been a wonderful 'convenience' for the last 3-½ years... Because there'd be some PRETTY HEFTY lies going on, and that would mean MY 'Radar' was WAY off. I mean... First impression was right; but I believed he loved me... Even though I KNEW he does this to women. Maybe he didn't MEAN to; but he ended UP loving me... And WHEN he's away from me, he's miserable. Yeah, me too; but I'm not the one that … I'M not the ONE. I don't do anything when we're TOGETHER; and I don't do anything when we're APART. I'M not the ONE... Yet I'M the one WORKING ON MYSELF. Haha Imagine that. If he cared even ¼ of as much as I did... Yeah, I know; neither here nor there. So, I'LL just keep working on MYSELF. Haha Thanks, Mom... Haha

So, my nose being itchy... Between all the 'pressured' activity with JD, and what happened with Sully; I think I'm covered. Sully: I was in my office working and left Sully with Blayze. Blayze went to the bathroom and Sully disappeared. Blayze came to the office and asked if he came down to me. No... He ended up being IN the apartment, hiding; but STILL. I was shaking, heart pounding out of my chest and we had a search party going INSTANTLY. I didn't know whether to HUG him, or KILL him. Haha So, itchy nose and anxiety issues SOLVED. Haha

Tomorrow's Father's Day. Gotta call Dad; maybe going to a cookout at a friends. Still feeling crappy, so I'm really hoping to stay in and rest. I just don't like to disappoint Sully. I guess we'll see...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. I know, It's early. Haha I slept pretty well though; considering. Of course, it started out on the couch while TRYING to watch "John Wick" with Blayze. Haha Yeah, unsuccessful... So, I came to bed. Then I woke up sometime before 4:00, and just couldn't go back to sleep; so I said to Hell with it, and made coffee. Haha Then I came in here and did some cards... Interesting reading. I'll just say that they ended VERY unexpectedly and surprisingly well. I will be 'released from my emotional prison' because of 'an ULTIMATE love' coming into my life. THAT'S how it ENDED; last 6 cards. Me and ultimate love... So, I guess I'm gonna succeed at working some things out; getting that material was a positive step in the right direction. Of course, as usual... Cards are only a 'counseling session'; that's what YOU used to say, Mom. And that's how I look at it. Anything can happen in the BLINK of an eye... I can read one day, they say one thing; read the next day, and we're already moving on. The cards are TRULY AMAZING, when used 'purely'. But I have found them to be ACCURATE; since I have been involved with them at 15 years of age. I am NOW 50 years of age; that's 35 years experience with 'cards' that have TOLD me what WOULD happen... And it DID. It DOES. However... It is WE that hold the keys to OUR futures. If it's something we DON'T want to happen; again, the cards are for COUNSELING, and you are FOREWARNED. Do something to PREVENT it. But if it's something you WANT to happen... Well then, GET MOVING!!! Haha The cards have seen me through a LOT; good AND bad. They’ve given me HOPE; they've given me dread and devastation. They show me things I DON'T ask or want to see... Like even about Ken. Haha I don't ASK about him; I ASK about MYSELF. But he gets IN there. I know he's with Candy; at least in SOME fashion. It shows a female that's 'put work' into him; and LORD KNOWS that Candy has stalked him, EVEN THROUGH ME. Posted things about him, came to NH for him, MULTIPLE times; even as a STRANGER... SHE doesn't 'Love' him; she's 'obsessessed', and there's a difference. There's seriously something WRONG with that woman... It's QUITE apparent. Just look in her eyes; they're the 'mirrors to the soul'. The woman might be nice; but she's cracked. But if that's who and what he likes/loves and wants to be with; so be it. As long as he's happy. I want that for both of us. Anyway... I don't DO cards to read on Ken; but 'we're connected', so he gets IN there. I try to just skip over it. That's kinda why I find it funny he blocks me on Facebook, the MULTIPLE sites he denies that he even has. Haha I 'see' him anyway; WITHOUT trying. And I KNOW he HAS them. That's where he's friends with people he knows I wouldn't 'approve' of; prostitutes, girls, etc. I bet Candy doesn't though; but I KNOW him. But anyway... All I want is happiness; I'm just tired of fighting for it. It shouldn't BE THIS hard to be happy. So, I hope; I HOPE the cards are... I kinda can't believe I'm gonna say this, but we ARE talking about ME here... I HOPE the cards are RIGHT about my being 'released from emotional prison' and finding love. I don't want or deserve to settle. I deserve happiness... Everyone deserves to know and feel their worth. 

On an UN-happy note though... As you know, I've been 'thinking'… ONLY thinking that I may have to submit to a medication because the pain is getting unbearable; and REALLY taking quality of life FROM me. I'm also thinking that possibly, the pain may be at such an unbearable height; that may be contributing to the other health issues I'm having as of late. The PAIN in my upper torso, ALL THE TIME... From my shoulders DOWN my ENTIRE ARM, into my fingers; both arms, but especially my right. Movement of my arms... Just SLIGHT movement, is like moving HEAVY WEIGHTS around; ALL DAY LONG. Never mind CONSTANT movement. People wonder why I'm SO exhausted all the time? People should be wondering why I'm not SCREAMING and CRYING all the time... Because there are times I could. But instead, I just put a smile on my face, and 'allow' people to THINK I'm this 'Happy-Go-Lucky' person, while I trudge through this miserable existence I call, ummm... Oh Yeah!!! My LIFE!!! Haha Yeah, well... It is what it is; isn’t it? We can't change the past, so we need to live TODAY for the FUTURE. There are NO guarantees in life... I'm getting too OLD for this CRAP. Haha I just want some happiness while I have some time left; I don't know how long that will be. No time SOON, that's for sure... But, I wanna LIVE while I can. So, COME OOOOONNNNN, 'ULTIMATE LOVE'!!! Divine Intervention, Mom??? [BIG, cutsie smiles inserted here] Haha OK, OK... No pressure. I just remember you saying something about you could "do more good for [me] up there than you could down here"… But again; NO pressure. Haha But, yeah, medication... I'll probably being talking to Nilsa about it; I need some 'quality of life'. I don't have any, really. But THIS is gonna be HARD, so... PLEASE help me find one good for ME. NO or LOW side effects; but will get RID of this HORRIBLE feeling in my body... So that I can have some 'quality of life'. It's time. I HATE it; but it's time. I've done SO much crying about this for SO long now... It's time to talk about it. I can't keep doing this. GOD and all that is Holy, please help me... :'(

OK...I'm gonna go take a shower, Mom, and get ready for work. I'll check in with you later. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Man, what a busy day this has been; and it's no where near over. Haha Well... It's almost 3:00; but my day even started OFF feeling 'weird'. After my shower, while I was getting dressed and stuff; my nose started to get that irritating itch, my stomach got nauseous, and I got shaky. It basically imitated an anxiety attack; but it wasn't. It was my 'sign' that something is 'up' somewhere... Something is going to happen; expect SOMETHING, sometime. It's been on and off all day. It was SO bad this morning, I DID have to take one of my pills... So, whatever it is; PLEASE don't be 'bad'. I've already been through enough, am GOING through enough; and on top of it all, have been and am STILL ill. So, PLEASE, all that is Holy; go easy on me.

I'm just trying to be positive, stay positive, work on myself... I'd like to TRY to be the 'me' I USED to be; but only in ways. Other ways that I've changed are positive and for the better. I need to work on my 'inner' self; I want to see if I can somehow 'feel' like a normal person again. I don't know if it's possible; with all the damage and scars... But I want to try. Somehow, I want to feel 'whole' again; and a 'whole woman' again. IF, that's possible... But there's only ONE way to find out; to TRY. But in order to even TRY; I have to be 'healthy'... Emotionally. I already am, for the most part; because I've always BEEN on the right path. It's been the people IN my life that were 'wayward' and strayed; not me. But that's where it will BE hard to BE healthy; because whoever is IN my life has to follow the same path. It doesn't always go as I plan, does it; as my history has proven. I just PRAY that this 'Ultimate Love' coming into my life will be the 'healthy' love that I need and want; so that I can continue on the same path I've always WANTED to; and that I've, once again begun on my own... For self healing and preservation. How I wish the prozac worked on Ken; but that's neither here nor there. I couldn't watch him be VIOLENTLY ill, multiple times per day; just to have US. Eventually, we STILL wouldn't have had 'US'... SOMETHING would have happened; one way or another. I just wish there were some sort of 'magic pill'... But again; neither here nor there. No such thing; and if there were, the Government wouldn't ALLOW it to be marketed. Haha  Anyway... Whatever the HECK is 'UP'; just let it be over and done with so I can get over this anxiety, Please? I'd greatly appreciate it...

OK... I think I'm gonna go upstairs; I'm BORED to death. Haha I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Last night was an 'interesting' night's sleep... I coughed a lot, which was irritatingly necessary; yet I actually slept pretty well. Explain THAT one. Haha I think it's because of the new med Nilsa gave me to take for anxiety; and I took one last night, then took my melatonin. So, I think that explains fairly decent sleep WHEN I slept, despite restlessness. I'll be glad when this bout with phlegm is over; it's annoying. 

Dreams... I have SO many different dreams as of late, when for so long, I really don't think I was dreaming; even really at all. I'm usually SO GOOD at figuring out what they mean... But lately, I just don't know. I DO think they're corresponding with what's going on in my life and with my thoughts; that IF I have ANYTHING in my life at ALL... I want it to be REAL, and I want to be able to TRUST IT. That's the basic 'Bottom Line' message I get from them. Yeah... I've been hurt; REALLY BAD. And it’s materializing in my dreams what I WANT, and what I NEED; what I've never HAD. Why I'm alone... Again. Because I expect to receive what I give; and CAN'T seem to GET it. WHY IS THAT??? WHY do I not 'deserve' the fruits of what I sew? My 'just rewards'? I don't lie; why am I lied TO? I don't cheat; why am I cheated ON? I don't emasculate men; why do they 'de-womanize' me? I don't EVER put them in competition with other men; why do THEY put ME in competition with other WOMEN? You're supposed to be each other's ONE and ONLY; each other's WORLD. NO OTHER could EVER break the bond between you... The bond of COMMITMENT. That's how it is when I'M with someone. My eyes don't wander; therefore, NEITHER will the rest of me. My priorities are STRAIGHT, my focus where it BELONGS; on my PARTNER and FAMILY. Well NOW, just my family... But, you get my point, Mom. I KNOW I'm not wrong about all of this; and after reading the material I've been reading, I'm VERIFIED and CONFIRMED. Not just as a person, but as a WOMAN and a MATE. I DO know the right things to do, and HAVE been DOING them; and have been TRYING to have them reciprocated... Unsuccessfully. Sadly, for me; especially this last time. I TRULY loved him and TRULY wanted it to work; but I can't BE just ONE in a list of females that he transports back and forth between. The ONE and ONLY... Or nothing at all. I'M WORTH THAT. I'm not like those that he usually goes with; and even he knows that. I'm WORTH settling DOWN to JUST ME; and if he CAN'T... Then it's that he's not worthy of ME; not the other way around. Because I was willing to spend the REST of MY life with JUST HIM and ALL of HIS faults and imperfections. If I could do THAT... What the HELL is SO wrong with ME??? I'd really like to know...

I'm not an idiot... The only idiotic thing I did was fall in love with the wrong men for me along the way; my version of love. I allowed the wrong men to 'choose me'; YOU said it right, Mom. I never chose the men I went out with; THEY chose ME. I reciprocated if I was interested at all. I guess I should've showed less interest, huh? Haha Anyway... I'm not an idiot. I love Ken; but I also KNOW him. Is he going through and doing what I am right now because of our break up? And he LOVES me SO MUCH... Right? That's what he says anyway. But I guarantee he's hitting up women; flirting. I GUARANTEE he and Candy at least HAVE BEEN, if aren't still in contact; if there isn't MORE involved there. He's probably contemplated moving back with her; even talked with her about it. I just KNOW SO much... And yeah; it hurts. How would HE feel if the tables were turned and the shoes were on the other feet? What if I were 'the slut'? Well... In all honesty; MAYBE he would've been HAPPIER if I HAD been. He never would've trusted me, but maybe he would've LIKED me more; felt more comfortable around me. But WHAT IF I were the LIAR and CHEATER, and HE couldn't TRUST ANYTHING I said or did??? How would he feel...??? Like ME. THAT'S how. I hope it was all worth it... I guess that's all I can say at this point. Today is his birthday. I hope he has a nice day with the people he wants to be with.

Me? I'm just doing 'me' for right now. I have friends talking about setting me up with 'Nice guys'; if there IS such a thing. Haha Hey... Lisa knows BUSINESS men; that own HOUSES and have MONEY. We talked about that. Haha So, yeah... I'll get back out there; and in BETTER circles. Obviously, I had to put off calling about that job. I almost wonder if my getting ill was a 'sign' not to. Oddly enough, I haven't gotten the email again either. So maybe it wouldn't have been a good move. I was only gonna find OUT info; not JUMP on a PLANE. Haha But anyway... I'll take it as a 'no go' sign. 

OK, Mom, I guess that’s it for now. I gotta get ready for work. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Boy, I'll tell ya; I'll be happy to feel like my normal old, broken down self again. Haha This is completely exhausting; more so than usual. I have to give real Kudos to Nilsa and her staff though. They've been in constant contact with me since I left the hospital, to ensure that I'm OK; and they ALSO want to ensure that I REALLY DON'T need to come in again. Nilsa wanted me to, but I said this is very typical of me under the circumstances... Stress, weather. But if I'm not back to normal by Friday, she wants to see me; so I guess she's gonna see me. Haha She wants to make sure that the hospital didn't miss anything. Again; KUDOS to Nilsa and her staff. In all honesty, I wasn't in great shape for my appointment last week; and she knew it THEN. So... I'm trying. 

I got, interestingly and ironically enough; a message from Candy today. I kinda didn't know what to think of that. Was that them, together, throwing in my face that they're together now; on a day, as special as his birthday...? Something cruel, that I'd never do; and I was NEVER cruel to her. OR... Has he 'distanced' himself, suddenly from her; like Ken tends to do... And now she's checking the FIRST place she thought to look...? Whatever the case, I haven't responded; I really don't need or want to get involved. I had already distanced myself from her when Ken and I were together; I told him that, BECAUSE I knew that she was still out for him. I feel that she is probably at least 'a' female in the cards that has ties to him; wants him and has put 'work' into him BECAUSE she wanted him. I also know they've at least been in contact. But you know what? NO one put more into Ken than I did; and NO one could love him more, or the way I did. But it's Ken that would need to know and accept that into his heart; Always, Forever and a Day... Like we used to say to each other. 

I've read things from other people TO Ken about Candy in the past; about how she loved him, and all she had planned. Well... Ya know WHAT??? WE ALREADY HAD PLANS TOGETHER, and were IN LOVE. Ken's problem ISN'T that he doesn't love me; it was that he needed to learn to FOCUS on his priorities. Remember what made HIM happy in life, too; where HIS 'Happy Place' was and WITH whom, and maintain it. He didn't do any of that; he lost focus... When you do that, everything in life gets 'blurry'; even the love that's RIGHT in front of you. We talked about SO many plans that we wanted to fulfill... If we could JUST have had the chance. But things HAD to be right between us; he had to be DOING his part... Not just relying ON me. 

We had SO many dreams... We fit together like a glove; and a chair. Haha Yeah, we're opposites; he's a 'furnace' and I'm an 'icecicle'. And that's why we 'blended'. I can't help but wonder and imagine, WHAT we would've and could've become; without ALL the hurdles and hurt. I had SO MANY hopes, dreams, desires... He had some, too, I wanted to fulfill. I wanted to be everything to him, that I could be; fulfill his fantasies, be his 'dirty girl', his woman, someday his wife... But I needed to BE his ONE and ONLY. Maybe we didn’t have much... But together, Baby; WE had it ALL in the 'love' department. When we were genuinely good; we were untouchable... I thought we were, anyway. 

I figured out WHY so many songs fit Ken and I, and LITERALLY form 'The Ken & Wylene Medley'. Haha It's because WE fit; so the SONGS fit. The 'nice' and mushy love songs fit us when WE'RE 'all good'. The sadder ones hit on us when we're having a tougher time. The really sucky ones fit us when we're broken up; but they still talk about the love and connection that we have... And how we REALLY don't want it lost or gone. Yup; 'The Medley'. I'm hearing them left and right, too. Today, I heard "Head Over Boots" AND "Strip It Down"; both this morning. OH! AND "Halo"… I actually haven't heard that in a while, but HEARD it later on in the morning. On Ken's birthday... So, I said out loud: "Happy Birthday" after I heard "Strip It Down". That one, to me, especially has a lot of meaning. So does "Head Over Boots". There was another one that caught my attention, too; I'm just having a hard time thinking of the... "We Don’t Have To Be Lonely". Hahaha It was 'playing' in my head; I was trying to 'hear' the title. Haha ANYWAY... THAT was another one that I heard. I heard a lot of them today, of all days. So, Happy Birthday, Ken; wherever you are... I hope you're happy, and with the people/person you want to be with.

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for tonight. It's been a long day. Tomorrow is Friday, and THAT'S a long day in itself. Hopefully, I'll stop getting the 'stupid' calls I've been getting. My phone rings enough... Haha I love and miss you EVERYDAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, I'm definitely a little better; I can feel a slight difference today, thank you God. I'm sure the 'cool off' has something to do with it. The heat and humidity have been unbearable... SO hard to breathe, but I know YOU know what I'm talking about. I've been MAINLY resting; thank God it's even been slow for rooms. People have called, but don't always show up. Even though I need to get another room rented and another one will be available today; if MY health isn't any good, well... I'm no good to do anything for anyone. I've gone down to do what I NEED to, then come back up and rest. I can answer the phone from here; go meet and show from HERE. Though, Chad... Haha He is still 'pulling' his 'High and Mighty' acts; or at least trying to. His attitude has changed CONSIDERABLY; because I put a 'bug' in Tuesday's ear that he wouldn't HAVE job anymore and WOULD go back to paying rent VERY QUICKLY because neither Sarah nor I were "happy" with him and his attitude. All of a sudden, that ATTITUDE disappeared, and 'the King' fell off his self-made throne. But now, he feels he 'deserves' an air conditioner "for all [he's] done for her". Hahahaha OK. Well, I'M the one that BROUGHT this place UP OUT of the gutter, and CONTINUES to do jobs ABOVE and BEYOND MY job... So, WHO 'DESERVES' the air conditioner IF someone were to GET one??? ALL Chad does is HIS JOB; NOTHING more. And THROUGHOUT the time he's lived here, he GOT 'special privileges' for ANY of the things he DID do that were NOT his job at the time. He got things that ANY other resident would NOT have gotten BECAUSE of what he did. So, I'd say it ALL worked out in the end. But anyway... I'M just not 'selfish' or 'self-centered', and even work the hardest; have the most on my plate. I just ALSO understand EVERYTHING involved.

Josh and Lisa came by last night; Tori is out of jail... Yeah, not good. So, you know what THIS means...? Josh is 'confused'. Why? Because, as he's denied to US all these years, he LOVES her; as he's said TO Tori, in FRONT of Lisa, and TO Lisa. Yeah.... I told Lisa I WAS afraid of this; I've been seeing something in the cards, and I was even wondering if it was Josh with Tori. Sometimes, it confuses me, because it's the same card that comes up for Ken's 'other woman'; and the card that comes up for Josh, is also one of the cards that comes up for Ken. But... What was also weird was that RIGHT next to me was a card that can also BE me OR 'another woman' in cases. She was right next to me... I believe this was Lisa, and she's hurting. It looks like Josh is gonna get ALL mixed up with Tori again; GREAT. Let's mess Sully up EVEN more... What came out of Sully's mouth when he heard that Tori was getting out of jail? Quote/Unquote: "Oh, well that's bad." Yes; YES, it IS. Blayze and I are NOT gonna keep going through HER HELL; and we will NOT allow Sully to be dragged through it. I should probably contact Jessica and let her know that Tori is out. I'll do that today...

I can't believe we're half way through June already... I gotta find Sully a summer program. I don't want him to have a boring summer. I wish I could remember the name of the one Ken mentioned; maybe I'll call Mom. I'd like to know how Dad is doing anyway. Sarah said that Shiloh has one... Haha I know. I'll look into it because of the convenience only. I gotta get on it though... I've been SO ill; I just haven't been able to.

Tomorrow is Ken's birthday; 49 years old. I'd wish him a happy birthday, but he wasn't receptive to me when I needed to contact him about my program. It was as though I was 'bothering' him... He told me on multiple occasions that I could ALWAYS contact him; it didn't matter if we were together or not. I know that's the case with ME; but I've never felt the same about him. I've seen things he's said about me to other people while we were together; never mind broken up, and they weren't true. His 'hatred' for me must be pretty intense, to want to cause me the pain he does and has... I just wish I knew WHY he hated me so much; I never did anything, except be myself and be there FOR him. I THOUGHT we meant the world to each OTHER; but it is what it is... And I can accept it; regardless. I have to have faith in myself; believe in myself... Continue to be strong and persevere. I know that one way or another, he'll be OK. He's made it this far living the way he has.

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Man, I'll tell ya... I know WHY I never wanted to be a housewife, or an 'at home Mom'; or anything of the sort. I WANTED things in my life that kept me busy and fed my mind. I can't STAND just being idle and not having anything to do. In all honesty, I always understood that when Ken and I were together; that was one of the reasons HE did a lot of the things HE did... Complete and utter boredom. Again, if he had just kept himself focused and busy on what he should've been doing FOR us; we'd still be together. But anyway; that's neither here nor there anymore... My point is, even I think of doing things that are basically 'out of character' for ME because I'm bored; like the chat & dating sites. But I THINK; I haven't DONE. I've just been spending time resting as much as possible; thinking a LOT... And working when I need to. I think it's BEST to 'think' before you 'act'; a lot of the time. It can save a lot of regret.

I've been thinking a lot lately about 'loss'; how much of it, in general there has been in my life. I've HAD to 'accept' a LOT; swallow a LOT. Emotionally, physically; just all in all. I've endured and overcome an extreme amount; and continue to on a daily basis. The load that I carry with me; the scars that bind my heart like glue... If anyone had a clue, JUST HOW broken; I'm a 'Broken and Fallen Angel'… So lost; desperately seeking to find myself. But these latest 'blows' to my 'womanhood', and frankly, my ego have not helped. I have always been a VERY loving, affectionate; even 'sexual' person and woman. It just had to be with someone I was in love with. I've NEVER had any 'issues', and certainly never any complaints. Back in the day, I was ACTUALLY, quite the 'bomb shell' in bed... Chris certainly remembers 'intimate' details, and has NO problem 'reminiscing' about them. He'd LIKE to re-LIVE them. Haha But it hurts me, all the abilities I've lost over the years due to my disabilities, and the lack of feeling in my body. It HAS affected me sexually; but so has all of the abuse over the years. I've realized in my recent 'self-searching', that I DID have all the desire to be and have a, so called 'normal' sex life with Ken. I even had the desire to be what I refer to as 'his dirty girl'; because I know that HE has certain little desires that, let's just say, 'need to be satisfied'. I even expressed those desires TO him; told him he didn't need to seek elsewhere. I even DID start 'experimenting' in bits and pieces with him, doing different things, even IN different PLACES; but I never got the opportunity to explore any of that with him, and he ended up 'exploring' elsewhere. That, in turn, 'damaged' ME even further; creating more emotional 'blocks' because of the senses of hurt, betrayal, lack of self esteem and security... So forth. Then, every time he verbally 'slapped' me with a name I didn't deserve; more blocks went up in my 'emotional city'. I want the OLD me back; the one that doesn't cringe at the thought of it again. I've got a couple of guys, TRYING to 'peak' my interest; but nope... I tell them I'm OUT of the game, at least for now. But as for sex; count me OUT. Haha Hoping they'll just lose interest. Haha Not going THERE ANYWAY... I don't know, Mom; as women, we go through SO much. 

Well... I guess it could've been worse. I could've gone the OTHER extreme. Started dating REALLY young guys, become a 'Cougar'; even let one move in with me. Haha Yeah, NO THANK YOU!!! I may be a fool when it comes to someone I ACTUALLY love; but I'm NOT FOOLISH. Hahaha At least I have a brain... I just wish it functioned a LITTLE less often, and a LITTLE less rapidly. Haha  I think too much... 

Sooooo, ANYWHO... The boredom is killing me; and even though I HAVE to rest, because movement is too much for me right now... And I'd LOVE to just clean or something; SOMETHING!!! And I can only write so much. Oh my Lord though; there are SO many times throughout the day, I WISH I had a way to just write. I should find a way to do 'dictaphone' or something... I have a LOT of thoughts that NEVER materialize because, of course, I forget by the time I'm here. But anyway... Chris is here right now, but he's at least asleep on the couch. I don't want to get tied up in all that. He showed up here this morning around 9 am, smelling of beer. I love and care... Want him safe. But he's still singing the same songs, with the same 'hand motions'; it just makes me uncomfortable. Oh, he's UP!!! Off for a ciggy-butt... Maybe the same thing will happen that happened last night; he left for a butt and didn't show back up again until this morning. Haha I think he goes and drinks; then passes out. Whatever... As long as he's safe. So much for rehab. Hahaha Oh... It was funny; yesterday, I wore my black dress because it was SO hot. It has no sleeves; just straps. When I was showing the room, one of the girls commented on my tats; said she liked them. Then she said, especially the crown; she's been looking for one like that. I had actually forgotten about it briefly... I just smiled and said thank you.

Again, tomorrow is Ken's birthday; I hope he has a good day. Should've been with me, but... It is what it is. Nothing I can do about anything; the past is the past, and I can't change anything. I can't wish him a happy birthday, personally... But I can in my own way, I guess.

Head Over Boots
Jon Pardi
I wanna sweep you off your feet tonight 
I wanna love you and hold you tight 
Spin you around on some old dance floor 
Act like we never met before for fun, 'cause
You're the one I want, you're the one I need 
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen 
You're the rock in my roll 
You're good for my soul, it's true 
I'm head over boots for you
The way you sparkle like a diamond ring 
Maybe one day we can make it a thing 
Test time and grow old together 
Rock in our chairs and talk about the weather, yeah
So, bring it on in for that Angel kiss 
Put that feel good on my lips, 'cause
You're the one I want, you're the one I need 
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen 
You're the rock in my roll 
You're good for my soul, it's true 
I'm head over boots for you
Yeah, I'm here to pick you up 
And I hope I don't let you down, no, 'cause
You're the one I want, you're the one I need 
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen 
You're the rock in my roll 
You're good for my soul, it's true 
I'm head over boots for you
You're the one I want, you're the one I need 
Baby, if I was a king, ah, you would be my queen 
You're the rock in my roll 
You're good for my soul, it's true 
I'm head over boots for you
I wanna sweep you off your feet tonight 
I wanna love you and hold you tight 
Spin you around on some old dance floor

Strip It Down
Luke Bryan
Let it fade to black
Let me run my fingers down your back
Let's whisper, let's don't talk
Baby, leave my t-shirt in the hall
Like a needle finds a groove
Baby, we'll remember what to do
To drown out every distraction
It's time we made it happen
Strip it down, strip it down
Back to you and me like it used to be
When it was an old back road with an old school beat
Cowboy boots by your little bare feet
Let it out, tell me right now
Everything I need in them white cotton sheets
Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat
Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans
We both know that we lost it somehow
Let's get it found
Strip it down, down, down
I wanna drop this cell phone now
And let it shatter on the ground
They ain't holdin' nothin' these two hands
Until they're holding you again
Oh, strip it down, strip it down
Back to you and me like it used to be
When it was an old back road with an old school beat
Cowboy boots by your little bare feet
Let it out, tell me right now
Everything I need in them white cotton sheets
Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat
Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans
We both know that we lost it somehow
Let's get it found
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
I don't wanna let you go
No, not tonight
I just wanna love you so bad, baby
So let's close our eyes
And strip it down, strip it down
Back to you and me like it used to be
When it was an old back road with an old school beat
Cowboy boots by your little bare feet
Let it out, tell me right now
Everything I need in them white cotton sheets
Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat
Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans
We both know that we lost it somehow
Let's get it found
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
Strip it down, down, down
---------
Two that actually meant something TO us... Even him. Happy Birthday. I hope he has a blessed day...

OK, Mom; I guess that's it for now. Chris is back and he keeps walking in and out; I guess I better see what he needs or wants. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Sorry I wasn't able to get back to you yesterday or last night; but I ended up having to use yesterday to rest, rather than all that I had planned. I went down to the office and did all that I needed to do; but my chest and arms got VERY heavy and tight, and I could barely breathe. So, I came upstairs, took a Xanax and laid down to rest with some TV and mild activity. Then, of course, later in the evening… People showed up; Josh, Lisa and Sully. Brendon and Angel came over for a while; and JD came over. I haven't SEEN him in a while, so that was a pleasant surprise. By the time EVERYONE was gone, it was sleep time for me. JD wanted to stay over… Haha But… It was SO hot and humid; HE'S used to AC, he couldn't have handled it. Haha So, that got me off the hook without any excuses that would've hurt his feelings or anything of the sort. Honestly… I don't care about him STAYING; I just know how he FEELS about me and he'll hope for more. JD USED to be a 'comfort zone' guy for me; I guess he still is, because we're SUCH good friends and HAVE been though a lot together over the years. I'm 'comfortable' with him because I KNOW he accepts me the WAY I AM; for WHO I am… And he truly LOVES me; always has. He and I just don't have enough 'in common' to make it work, for ME, in a relationship; at least we DIDN'T. JD is DEFINITELY one of the men in my life that has NEVER lost his true feelings for me.

Talking about that… Josh flipped me out the other night with something he said to me. He actually thinks I should get back together with MICHAEL, of ALL people. He said, "Mom, YOU'RE Michael's Jess." I know what he means by that; I also know that Michael is still in love with me. He carries EVERYTHING from our relationship with him, everyday. We broke up 15 years ago… I told Josh that's NEVER gonna happen. I don't even feel about Michael that way anymore, and HAVEN'T for a VERY long time. Once I AM gone; I'm GONE… Forever. There's NO going back. I 'healed' from Michael, and THAT took YEARS to repair that damage. He 'de-womanized' me; THAT took time to put all the pieces back together that he TORE apart of my VERY soul. You don't go BACK to that. You COME back FROM that; which I did. And Michael… It took him about 2-1/2 YEARS to say to me, "Hon… It WASN'T you, it was ME. I'M the one with the problems." I KNEW that all along; but he HAD to DESTROY me as a PERSON and a WOMAN, FIRST??? So, you see… This is the story of MY life with men. I guess I SHOULD'VE been a lesbian. Hahaha I would've been good for the 'male' role in the relationship; other than LOOKING so female. Haha 

I just want to work on ME right now. If I end up meeting someone worth dating to breakup the boredom; great. I've noticed there are things like 'chat rooms' and stuff that you don't even have to register. Funny how those just 'popped up' in the search engine… Perhaps they were 'searched' for? Because I DIDN'T type it IN… But anyway. I've thought about things like that, too; just to do to break up some of the boredom AND possibly 'meet' new people. I don't get OUT too much, soooo… Maybe a 'free' dating site or chat site; something to occupy me and some time. Get my mind off of other things… We'll see.

OK Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom. Well, as you see, I'm in the hospital. Despite all my attempts to avoid it... They're gonna do chest xrays and so forth. I'm already hooked up to IVs and heart monitors. Already had the EKG the MOMENT I got here; they didn't waste any time bringing me back here from when I JUST walked in. I guess I look that bad... PLEASE be here with me; my breathing has been SO labored and I just haven't been feeling well. I've been trying to take care of myself... PLEASE be here with me, Mom.

Love you...

Hi, Mom; I'm home now. Thank you for being there with me and comforting me; I felt you. ALL those tests, done multiple times... At least I DON'T have pneumonia, a blood clot and my heart is OK. It boiled down to the stress again; but the weather, pollen, humidity/temperature and pressure change ALSO added to it this time. They told me to REST and lessen my stress. Haha Yup, OK. I'm working on it... But I was REALLY BAD. I'm glad I went, but now I'm just gonna rest.

So, I love and miss you EVERYDAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Well, last night was quite the mixture; but we had a GREAT time!!! We didn't get home until after 3:30 this morning. Everything started off really good, there were people to meet; some, very nice. But there was this ONE guy, Mike… I couldn't get away from him; he kept following me, sitting next to me. He kept asking me about myself, and telling me how beautiful I am… I was NOT interested. ONE look at him, I KNEW he was trouble. Turned out to be the father of one of Josh's friends I know… Didn't change anything. He was obnoxious in my eyes, BEFORE he started ACTING that way; it was written all over him. I knew there were gonna be problems; and there were. You mix a certain level of alcohol with some people, and you get 'liquid asshole'. I was the one that came to 'the rescue'… He wasn't wanted there anymore; no one had the guts to say anything, and kept coming to ME… "Wylene, you GOTTA help." OK… Haha No problem. Blayze and I STARTED to give him a ride back home in Manchester. Once we hit a spot on Bridge Street, I had Blayze pull the car over and made Mike get out. He was a complete ASS, ALL the way from DEEP in Derry to Manchester; ARGUED with me the ENTIRE ride. So, he HAD TO GO; I was DONE being NICE. Blayze was ready to pound him; and if he made ONE move toward me when I got out to open his door, since he wouldn't get out on his own… It would've been OVER. But you know me… I'm basically 'fearless' when it comes to this stuff; and that impression is quite apparent to the person I'm opposing. HE was NOT going to win and knew it; got OUT of the car, and we left. We got back, everyone was asking what happened; they were SO grateful. THEN, we continued with our good time. Haha After all that, the time just FLEW. Blayze and I could NOT believe it was after 3:30 when we got home; but it was WELL worth it. Good Time Had: CHECK!!!

Sully is with Josh and Lisa, so today I'll rest a little; then get some work done around here. I have to say that I AM proud of myself. I was a little worried, how I'd be able to manage everything; especially with Sully, all on my own. But as usual, Mom; I'm DOING it. There are things about everything that are easier; and of course, some that make things harder on me… But I AM doing it; again, AS usual. I never HAVE 'needed' another person to survive; it just would've made things 'more pleasant' in ways. 'Life', in general is easier with the responsibilities laying on TWO sets of shoulders, rather than just one. But I've ALWAYS managed… No matter what. 'Wylene, the Survivor'. I don't anticipate that ever changing…

Later, when all is said and done, I'll do some more reading. I really feel positive about this program/material. I came across it MONTHS ago, and it piqued my curiosity then. So, when I happened to stumble across it AGAIN… I took it as a sign, and PRAYED it wouldn't be expensive. The price was AMAZINGLY knocked down; so I got it. Especially after my discussion with Nilsa the other day… My 'mental health' is VERY important; even though I DON'T have MONEY, you still can't put a price on HEALTHY Mental Health… So, I got it and it wasn't majorly expensive; and again, I really feel it's helping me. I already feel different than I HAVE been feeling in a long time; more positive about myself. Because you can be confident and secure… But if people in your life that YOU love and care about, that supposedly love YOU are constantly trying to make YOU feel like YOU'RE crazy; it’s GONNA affect you. You start doubting yourself; YOUR self-esteem lessens, AND your sense of security. I'm a STRONG person and woman; but NO ONE should have to carry the problems of the WORLD on their single shoulders. That's what my life has been like… I NEED that load to lessen, and working on ME should help.

OK, Mom, I gotta go check the office before I get going on things. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Morning, Mom. I have to say that I feel pleased; I think I'm on the right track here... FINALLY. I slept pretty well last night, comfortably; and today, I feel more at peace. I think this is gonna work. I'll finally be FREE... THANK YOU, Mom for being here... As ALWAYS... While I tried to work this all out. My emotions were a MESS for many reasons; but a lot because I knew and KNOW... THIS IS THE END. I was NOT and AM not going through life ALLOWING Ken to use, abuse and take me for granted. Talk about 'consume and destroy'… But NO MORE. I'm TAKING my 'power and control' BACK; as of ALREADY IN PROCESS. I counsel people... Women; and I TELL them to RAISE their price tags. People can ONLY treat you the way you ALLOW them to. Well... I've always been a strong woman; but I'm older, TIRED, and feel people should JUST know HOW to be proper adults by this age bracket... Apparently, NOT the 'common rule'. I'm a REALLY good person; I just don't have the tolerance for bull shit anymore that I used to. Bottom line. I've always been honest; to a fault. Brutally when the situation called for it. I'm KNOWN for it. But now... NOW, even as patient as I AM; my fuse is MUCH shorter than it used to be. I sit QUIET through MOST of what I see and hear; if people ONLY knew THAT. I guess it’s just that when I DO finally speak, it's powerful; maybe even TOO much so at times. Because what I do is throw out a WHOLE bunch of FACTS that I gathered and retained along the way; for a moment, like what had just presented itself. Truth hurts, right? You taught me VERY young to just 'give enough rope to let them hang THEMSELVES.' My motto in life is Watch, Listen and Learn. In doing those, I gain WHAT I need for the times I'M the victim of attack, so to speak. I spend all MY time listening... WHEN I talk, it's usually for a purpose; to SERVE a purpose... When it's, so called, 'conversation' with another person. Then I get my little 'casual conversations'. But to actually TALK about myself, things going on with ME, ETC... I even feel a sense of GUILT for words that come out of my mouth; and THAT'S not right. I have needs, feelings and emotions too. Even though I'm here for others purposes; I still have my own. So, it's time for ME to take my OWN advice.

I keep seeing this offer for a job; and it's SO TEMPTING... It's RIGHT up my alley and would PROVIDE for me, as well. But I'd HAVE to move out of state; which, in all honesty... I wouldn't mind too much in ways. I'd get PAID $300/wk PLUS have my own little house to live in on the property. All I'd have to DO is 'take care of' this guy; he has some medical issues, and is looking for a LIVE IN Caretaker. But again, I wouldn't have to live WITH him; there's a guest house on the property. Right up MY perfect situation of an alley...???? I'm COMPLETELY QUALIFIED for what he's looking for; and it would give me a NEW start WITH MONEY in my pocket. I'm SO tempted, Mom... I might contact him, even just to get more info than what's in the emails I receive. Maybe THIS could be a start in the RIGHT direction to a NEW life for me. Mixed emotions, yes... But, maybe; JUST MAYBE, Mom!!! It's even in a state I wouldn't mind living; never lived there before. This could open ALL NEW doors for me... Lord knows, I could use some CHANGE. 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I think I'm on a REALLY GOOD path, so just guide me through. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, I've been actively 'working on myself'; watching these videos… I have to say, Mom; I'm SO HAPPY that I decided to do this. Watching these videos and reading the material I am; written by a psychologist… It's ALL AFFIRMING me as a Woman, person and mate. ALL the things they SAY to do; I already DO… Just naturally. The things I preach TO people and TRY to remember for myself, are ALL outlined in these materials. The things I DO in a relationship; to appeal to certain natural instincts of men… I DO. The necessary components to make a SUCCESSFUL relationship; I do, and TRY to impose on my partner the same things necessary to be reciprocated in a relationship. Even the things we women need to do to appear more 'submissive' and 'needy'; I did. I sat reading and watching, just shaking my head… But felt better about myself. The MEN in MY life have always tried to make ME out to be the one at fault, with issues… It's NOT ME.

It also dawned more light on me and Ken. I'm on the money about him, what he does, his character, etc. A MAN is SUPPOSED to be the Provider and the Protector. Ken has that desire too; to an extent. Ken ALSO has his 'lazy' side, where he wants to BE taken care of; HE doesn't want to be the one that has to be RESPONSIBLE for anything… Except what he CHOOSES. This causes a SERIOUS imbalance in Ken; and has been, at least PART of the root of our problems. "Idle hands, leaves time for the Devil's work." Ken STARTS OUT good; he WANTS to please, earn trust; show that he's even worthy of me and my love. He FEELS happy and content because he FEELS that sense of accomplishment. A BIG part of why I was always letting him KNOW that I needed his help; because I DID, but it ALSO would fill that void and sense of accomplishment that HE needed. If he filled his time with things that were ABOUT US, OUR lives and OUR future; what need would or should he have to seek elsewhere? He would ALREADY be FULFILLED with his life; his life with me. But he fought all the methods… EVERYTHING I did, that I'm even READING you're SUPPOSED to do to build a SUCCESSFUL relationship or marriage, FAILED; because HE had another agenda. But WHY??? WHY if what ALL I'm reading is TRUE??? All I can say is AGAIN; the issues weren't with me. "He might be in a relationship with you, while trying to get this need met through other relationships. That can work in the short run, but the romance will never live up to its full potential that way. All people have a deep desire to be understood. Your man wants you to understand his need to be useful. Being able to give him this feeling is like giving him a precious, rare diamond of incredible worth." When did I NOT make Ken feel that way? If he DIDN'T feel that way, it was his OWN doing because of the LACK of what he did WITHIN our relationship. He sought elsewhere instead of doing what was necessary for US. But I talked him up all the time; told him he was good at things… "Those people draw out a side of his personality he likes. It makes him feel manly, empowered, desirable. Those are all good feelings to a man. So even if he doesn’t realize why, he’ll find himself wanting to be in that person’s presence more often." Why wasn't I enough? What I DID enough? Especially if he LOVED me…? Again, after watching and reading… It wasn't and isn't me. I did my part… HE slacked on HIS.

Men have this 'hero instinct', and I've known about it for years. I always had an issue being 'the submissive female'; but I learned for Ken. Why? Because I WANTED it to work. But some of the same issues reared their ugly heads that usually do… Men tend to feel 'inferior' to me; and that SUCKS. JUST because I'm a capable and independent woman with a mind of my own, does NOT mean that I don't have NEEDS. Needs that only a man can fulfill; a man that I WANT close to me, and a part of my life. Ken had that issue as well; low self esteem… NEEDLESSLY. However, had he fulfilled HIS end of the relationship contract, HE would've been FULFILLED, and WE wouldn't be here TODAY. Unless… He's JUST a whore that has NO morals, standards and values; and even one GOOD woman will just NEVER be enough for him. What I've realized Ken does to satisfy his 'masculine needs', but ALSO fulfill his 'goal' of BEING taken care of is, he chooses women that ARE more 'needy'; on multiple levels. But THEY are also able to PROVIDE a roof and whatever necessities HE will need. I… Do NOT fit that criteria.

"The concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy: The power of a self-fulfilling prophecy has been demonstrated in many research studies. If you believe something is true, it sometimes becomes true because of your belief. Our brain is designed to release energy whenever we perceive a reward that we can go after and achieve. In other words, we are energized when we clearly see a purpose for taking action. Do you know the greatest motivator of all time for mankind? It’s a driving sense of purpose that gives our life meaning." When you REALLY WANT something, you gotta take the RIGHT actions to achieve it; no matter WHAT it is. Had he TRULY wanted US, he could've had it; but he would've had to change things he's done his entire life… I get that. But to ACHIEVE SUCH GREATNESS; isn't that a SMALL price to pay? "Change takes time. But emotions can change in an instant. Because our emotions are controlled by what we believe is coming next." HIS actions controlled MY emotions all the time; because I NEVER knew what to expect next. Was he REALLY gonna CHANGE THIS time? Or would I be left, once again, for something and someone that can't even compare to me; or what WE had? It also means that people can feel one way, one minute; but because of an action, or LACK there of, feelings can change and emotions be affected. What we had was beyond compare; to ME anyway. I believe it was to him, too. I WAS feeling like our relationship was nothing but a lie; but I KNOW in my heart… And mind, that it goes deeper than that. We didn't have that connection because it DIDN'T mean something; it meant everything. We knew each other SO well, we could finish each other's sentences. We knew stupid, little things that just meant SO much… We came into each other's lives for a reason; whatever that may be. All I know is that regardless of WHAT he thought or felt about HIMSELF; in MY world, WE were perfect together. I thought he KNEW that, and I THOUGHT I made SURE he knew… There were just OTHER issues that HAD to be addressed. I COULDN'T be cheated on in ANY way, shape or form; I NEEDED to be able to trust him on multiple levels he's aware of; I NEEDED to KNOW that I was the ONE and ONLY… Just like HE was for me. He needed to help me in LIFE; just period. With household chores, financial support, emotional support, etc; JUST like I DO for HIM. Or I should say, did. We COULD'VE had a GREAT life together… Gotten our licenses straightened out, gotten a vehicle, put some money away towards the future; all once HE got his income. We needed to have somewhere to GO to from here; and the only way to have done that, was for US to have put away some money… Invest would've been a great idea. I THOUGHT we had all these plans… Together. I know I was holding up MY end of the bargain. The only place I can't say that I was, was in intimacy; but there ARE reasons. There have been the times we fell asleep; the times he or I had an unfortunate physical attack of some sort… But he HAS hurt me; and it HAS affected me. I AM unfortunately 'scarred' by the things he's said and done… But I did whatever I could to overcome during intimate moments; because I DID love him. I do… But I'M not the ONLY one that was supposed to be 'concerned' with their partner's needs; what about MINE?? Do I count? Shouldn't HE have been working and concentrating MORE on what he could do to better US, instead of playing on his phone and on the internet? Those 'slippery territories'… Searching for whatever ELSE is out there. Had he been MORE concentrated on the APARTMENT, what needed to be DONE around here, his social security and making phone calls, etc… ALL things that would have benefited US; we'd still be together, because he WOULDN'T have been focused on the things he SHOULDN'T be. He would've gotten that needed 'sense of accomplishment' and 'pleasing his partner' you NEED for a successful relationship.

I don't know, Mom. I'm certainly getting clarification and confirmation from reading all of this. It's definitely making me feel better about myself. I'm apparently supposed to come to forgiveness; and even express it to the person I need to… Even if it's in a text. It said letter, phone call, text, in person; however you're comfortable. So, somehow, I have to text Ken that "I forgive him". Lord knows, I have many times; but HE'S not gonna know what the hell is going on. Haha I guess I'll have to put a brief explanation of WHY I'm texting him that. I just hope it goes over OK, and doesn't start something I really don't need or want; I'm not looking to argue… I'm just trying to follow a program, so that I can obtain some self healing and move on. So, WISH me luck, Mom…

OK, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I gotta go get ready to go out. That party got rescheduled to tonight, so… I'm going to THAT instead of karaoke. It should be fun… Time away from here and away from my own thoughts. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom. OK, I did what I was supposed to do; he was OK, but cold and un-receptive. But that's OK, because I did what I needed to do for the program; and I can move on. It just ensures me that I HAVE made the right decisions; as painful as the path may have been. The path from here on out is a CLEAR one. Love? I didn't sense or feel 'love' from him; this man that I'M supposed to be the love of HIS life, as well. If he thinks I think he's happy, he's mistaken. It STILL shows; no matter HOW MUCH he tries to hide it. But again, THIS is just his character; and not one that I am deserving of. I deserve to be treated the way HE treats me when he's ON his best behavior; and I'll GET it... Or just be alone and date for the hell of it. All I know is I DID show him all that I was supposed to; it just wasn't reciprocated. So be it... Time to move on and for a change.

I'm leaning towards calling that guy about the job; I'll probably do that tomorrow because we're leaving here momentarily. I just want more details... It just sounds TOO good.

OK, Mom; we're getting ready to go. So, I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow. This is a MAJOR part of my therapy. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. What a day... I really feel the way I've been working my work schedule, is working out well for ME; though residents might not be too thrilled about it. I need to NOT work myself into the ground; or the hospital, for that matter. But I know that the residents can't be and aren't too thrilled about my 'lack of availability' to THEM; it's lessened considerably the way I do things now. I get the 'nice to my face digs' from Tina... Haha Two faced, toothless wonder. Haha But my health is more important; and having me around is more important to Sarah than having me IN the office, twiddling my thumbs just because the 'office is OPEN'. Things are working out in that aspect; I'm getting it together.

I got this random message from Candy the other day; it made me feel weird... I didn't even respond to it until yesterday; even then, just a thumbs up. But then, I decided to look at her profile for the hell of it. WOW, what a change... Her pics are GONE, and there's ONE post that occurred when KEN and I broke up about relationships, making promises and blah, blah. She always posts stuff like that when she's GOT it bad for a guy, is IN a break-up... Whatever. How many times have I said what about her and Ken? And Ken's 'threatening' to leave... Again. What did she do; do what Ken does, and create a WHOLE NEW site... JUST so that THEY can have contact without MY knowledge? Haha Whatever... I go on MAYBE once per week now, IF that; that's mainly to check messages, which is the ONLY reason I keep it in the first place. So that I can keep in touch with the friends that live wide-spread. That's where TRYING to open that other one failed; I thought I had it set up OK... It was 'Private', etc. But EVERYONE was sending me a friend request; even people like Kelly Beard, which I did NOT understand THAT one. The point is, it defeated my purpose. I JUST wanted WHO I 'wanted' on that site; my ACTUAL friends and family. It was gonna be the one I used, and just kept the one I have now, to use for what it is now; and because it's attached to my Edmond site. I ended up just deactivating THAT site and said to HELL with Facebook. I'm tired of getting 'hit up' by men, like it's a dating site; that's HOW I met Ken. THAT worked out REAL great...

I read the cards earlier and I VERY SPECIFICALLY ASKED... What is in store for ME and MY life; what do I have to expect now? I'm trying to be as SPECIFIC as possible to get a reading on ME. Well... I DID; but Ken was in there, too. ALL it made me think and feel was IF he LOVES me SO MUCH... WHY am I so CONSTANTLY in COMPETITION with OTHER WOMEN??? 'True Love' means there IS no competition; because you ONLY have eyes for the ONE you LOVE. You don't spend your time SEARCHING for something ELSE. It clearly STATES in the cards that I'M the ONE HE LOVES; he WANTS. But because WHENEVER we run into 'hard times'… Even though he probably never stops; I just try to give benefit of the doubt to make it work... HE turns to OTHER WOMEN. He 'uses' love with others to GET what he wants FROM them; then leaves them, because he doesn't really love them OR want to be with them. He ends up thinking about and missing me... Remembering where his ACTUAL 'Happy Place' IS; with ME. But being with ME is HARDER, because I EXPECT him to do WHAT'S RIGHT. In MY opinion, a SMALL price to pay for what even HE has referred to as pretty complete happiness. But that's ONLY when he's GOOD. Problem is, I never REALLY know WHEN that IS; DO I??? He's been doing this shit his ENTIRE life; WHY should I think he would stop for ME??? For Love...??? People, not just men... Like him; they 'act' a certain way for affect. To get what they want out of a situation. He got a WHOLE LOT out of OUR situation... Even just out of the 'Love' aspect of it; we both did there. But it didn't keep him 'faithful' and 'trustworthy'; WORTHY of ME, the love and just everything he had WITH me. Phones... THOSE are IMPERATIVE in Ken's world; and not just a PHONE. He HAS to be able to go ON the internet; NOT just be able to call or text ME, as he has said. When here last, he had what... 2 or 3 phones? Only people I know that NEED that many phones are DRUG dealers and CHEATERS. Does he even REALIZE HOW SICK he is??? How much he CAUSES not just for others, but FOR himself? The utter MISERY... In DAYS, he'll be 49 years old; WHAT does he HAVE and WHAT has he ACCOMPLISHED? WHAT does he have to SHOW for it??? Let's see... That he STILL lives with Mom and Dad because he CAN'T make it on his own OR in a relationship. No car or license. No job OR income... Hmmm. He USES his 'sob stories' from YEARS ago; the death of his daughter and fiancee'. Even Candy told me he told HER those stories... Yeah; they were loss you suffered. NOT RECENTLY, so STOP USING it for sympathy with women. You KNOW it works; you just don't add IN there that it happened about 20 or so years ago. You have NO EXCUSES for being basically 'no where' in life, EXCEPT that YOU made BAD CHOICES. You're real quick to knock others down; Michael your brother, Josh my son... Take a GOOD LONG LOOK in the mirror. Only difference between YOU and Michael is that Michael DOESN'T go off with SEVERAL different women; USING them for THEIR resources. You always say, what's gonna happen to Michael when Mom and Dad are gone. Yeah, because he's not the 'charming womanizer' that YOU are. You... You'll be fine though, won't you? You'll just bounce around from woman to woman; to whomever and wherever suits YOUR needs. Sounds pretty miserable to ME; but it's not MY life, thank God.

I don't know Mom... I started writing this to you last night but got too many interruptions. Haha Then I had to go to bed because I was exhausted and have a big day today. Doctor's this morning, heavy work day today; then PARTY tonight!!! Mom called me last night, too, to tell me about Dad. He's not doing too well. She had to get him an appointment for today. They've been married 49 years this August... Imagine that? Ken, with parents that managed THAT, CAN'T keep it in his OWN pants. So much for setting a 'good example'. I know that plenty of other things in his life weren't as they should've been; but still no excuse for turning out to be a lying, cheating womanizer that feels he can just bounce in and out of people's lives, but SAY that he "LOVES" them. Anyway... Please just watch over Dad, Mom. Keep him as comfortable as possible. I honestly don't expect he'll be with us for very much longer.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I gotta go get ready for my doctor's appointment. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, I'm back from my appointment; what an appointment it was... Covered a LOT. I got to discuss the things I didn't get to last time; and I basically spent the entire appointment, just talking. That's not what was supposed to happen; I was supposed to get a full exam. I'm pretty sure Shilo's reaction to my, once again, extremely and dangerously high blood pressure probably had something to do with it. They also mentioned something about my 'looking stressed'. I talked to her about my 'chinese torture' issue. I hit the nail RIGHT on the head with THAT one; about it being 'nervous energy' in my body. I showed her what I got to help me with it. She also gave me more Xanax and something else that I can take without WORRYING when I have anxiety issues and nervous energy. 

After we talked for a while... And I did a lot of crying... She told me she wants me to seek Mental Health; not for medication purposes, but to have someone to talk to on a regular basis. She said that I REALLY need it. I told her, she had no clue; I've known I needed it for a long time... Pretty much since YOU died, Mom. I told her how I do THIS, and write to you. She thought that was awesome. But she said I need more. She said I have an awful lot going on for ONE person. Again... If she ONLY had a clue. We talked just a little about Ken; because it was during THAT time that I really needed the Xanax. I haven't taken it since. He was a major cause of stress to and for me... But none of that helps how I feel NOW. None of that takes away my heartache, or how he's hurt me; again. I mentioned how I'm tired of competing with other women. How would HE have felt if he even KNEW about all the men that contacted me; never mind HIT on me??? Men have TRIED to steal me away from him; unsuccessfully. How would HE have felt if I were like HIM??? Lied to him about just anything; cheated on him with just ANYONE... Perhaps I should have, just ONCE, given him a taste of his own crappy medicine; but I can't lower myself to such a level, JUST to 'prove a point'. But how WOULD he have felt, ALL the time, if HE always felt 'threatened' and insecure; or in competition with other MEN, and NOT so secure with ME??? Never knowing what I was gonna do or NOT do...? What IF...??? Yeah, well... They don't matter because it would NEVER happen and he KNEW it. So, he felt SECURE in being the whore he was; loved by the FOOLISH me. No more... I can't go on feeling THIS way, and I DON’T EVER want to feel it again. He'll NEVER change and he's PROVEN THAT. I have to accept it in my HEART; not just know it in my HEAD. He talked so much about marrying me all the time... If he only knew how badly I really wanted to; but was TERRIFIED because of all he does. I hoped the tattoos would show him SOMETHING; but apparently NOTHING I've done over the course of nearly 4 years has been good enough. Yeah. I think Counseling WOULD help... Give ME a chance to talk instead of listen. Give me a chance to work THROUGH my emotions... I gotta find a way. I also gotta find a way to LESSEN my stress and LOWER my blood pressure... Before I have a … End up in the hospital. I have a LOT of thinking to do, Mom. PLEASE help me come up with the RIGHT answers.

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for now; I gotta go back to work. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I know I wrote just a little while ago, but I just did a little research online about some stuff I've been thinking about. SOMEHOW, I need to break this 'spiritual' connection I have with Ken... Because nothing but pain has come from it; and I know, despite ANYTHING he says, what he's BEEN up to and IS up to. You know... I didn't mention this before because I've been talking about SO MUCH; but that 'pic-less' Facebook profile... Yeah. He probably just uses it to 'follow' GIRLS. Not even women; girls. ANOTHER thing that has always slapped me across the face; I've even DISCUSSED it with him... So, it's OBVIOUSLY a LEGIT problem he has. One, I don't need in MY life; and I feel sick... I've seen his Facebook. Funny, he switched to wolves, all of a sudden. Candy's 'fettish'... I love ALL animals, but Ken's was Eagles and SHE was posting THOSE. Hers is Wolves, and now HE'S posting those and has it for his cover photo. But he wasn't doing anything and ONLY goes on Facebook for his TRUCKS. Yeah... Who are all the people, especially young FEMALES on your friends list? HS kids that are boys, too. I sometimes don't know WHAT to think; but I've had suspicions through the years. I just didn't want to ACCEPT.

Anyway, I'm gonna look into doing these things to see what I can do to get him 'out' of me. HE can't be MY 'bad penny' anymore... The key word has always been 'bad'. WHY did I let him CLOSE to me when I SAW what I SAW??? I'm such an idiot. He came at a time... I was in need and HE was there; and regardless of the circumstances, wasn't scared away.

What I already read said that what I'm already DOING is the right thing... I've always been my BEST doctor and psychologist. But I have to break FREE... I can't be his prisoner anymore, because that's how I feel; while HE'S out CARE FREE and Fancy Footin' it with ANYONE he feels like. I know it's because it's not in MY character to 'whore' around like he does... "After a breakup, the LOYAL one stays single, and deals with the damages until healed. The other one is ALREADY in another relationship." There's a fact for ya... I'M the loyal one; obviously. Always have BEEN. IN a relationship and thereafter... But whatever. I just need to break free from him; and the process NEEDS to begin... NOW.

So, I'll be working on all of this; to get MYSELF back... At least a little. But that's it for now. I'll write more later... Love and miss you, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day...<3

Morning, Mom. I guess I'm making up for time we lost together, while Ken was back this last time, huh? Haha Isn't that usually what happens? I end up with my time totally immersed in work, family and Ken; then I have NO time for anything I need or want for myself. Haha It's better than being bored though... I go insane, NOT having anything to do. God putting MY brain into THIS body... All in all, was a big joke on ME. You want to talk 'mixed emotions'??? I'm a FEMALE that grew UP with ALL MALES during the developmental years of my life; the most IMPORTANT years of your life... Years that determine a LOT of who you will turn out to be. They are very important grooming and molding years of a child's life. On top of that, I had weight issues my entire life that were OUT of my control due to medical issues. I did everything within MY means to keep weight under control; but was heavy the majority of my life, regardless. As for beauty... I didn’t realize I had any, regardless of how often I was told; by most everyone. You, Mom, told me my entire life that I was "All that AND a bag of chips. [I] just didn't know it." I apparently still don't, but I'm at least closer. Haha How COULD I? I was 'the fat kid'...? It didn't matter that men always chased me, or showed interest; I had NO self worth or esteem. What I saw when I looked in the mirror... :'(  All I could think was, "Yeah, who'd want that?" But I worked on all of that; HARD... And I GAINED some. I raised my 'price tag'; I gained my self worth. I KNOW who and what I AM, and WHAT I'm worth; PRICELESS. So, don't mess with what I've worked for and am STILL working SO hard for. But yeah... Mixed emotions? I think I was DESTINED to have them. They've been the stepping stones of my entire LIFE; on multiple levels, I haven't even mentioned. But I'd have to write a short novel in order to do that. Haha Which I've been told on numerous occasions, by numerous people, I should do. But anyway...

So, I had a pleasant, unexpected visit last night. Josh and Lisa came over, just before Sully's bedtime. How ironic; I was JUST talking to Blayze about how we haven't even heard a PEEP from Josh. He doesn't call to talk to Sully; just nothing. I asked Blayze to HONESTLY think back to his childhood... Did he remember a time when I didn’t call when they were away from me? He even brought up that EVERY DAY, after school at 3:00; I called home to talk to them. Never MIND when they were AWAY from me. I called to tell them I missed them, and to make sure they were having a good time; behaving themselves... Even though I KNEW they were. Haha I JUST MISSED them, and wanted to hear their voices. What was I, CRAZY???!!! HAHAHAHAHA  No.... I'm just OLD now; I LOVED and ENJOYED my kids. Not bad for someone who never wanted to even BE a Mother. OH!!!! And because I thought I'D be too SELFISH. HAHAHAHA Yeah. OK!!! THAT'S how it worked out. Hahaha  Anyway... It was a nice visit. I got Josh to take Sully for the weekend so I can go out Friday and Saturday night. Friday night's, just a party; but Saturday night, it's OUT, out; to The Ye. I need some time away from here and OUT; a GOOD time. A nice change of scenery would be good...

Well, I guess that's it for now. I guess I'll drink my coffee and watch some SVU. Sully's awake, too, watching HIS TV; and it's only 5:45 am. When I first saw and spoke to him, it was only 5:15. He'll pass out again though for a little while. OK Mom... I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Yup, early again. I seem to be falling asleep at a reasonable hour, then waking up early morning; which is fine. It gives me some 'down time' that I like to have in the morning before having to get ready for work; to do what I want and need to do, as well as relax, and spend some time here with you. Then I get up, get showered and dressed for work; then get Sully ready. It all works out pretty well, and I don't feel rushed in the mornings. I'll get things totally figured out along the way; but I've been managing pretty well. I wanna go through some clothes and get rid of some though. I just have TOO MANY. I know people that can benefit from my 'closet & drawer cleaning' day. Haha GOTTA do it... 

I mentioned I'm having emotions I'm dealing with; one is, having to adjust to being alone again... Even when you're not alone; you're alone, or FEEL alone. You gotta find things to do to fill time and voids. It's hard for me to just sit still, as it is. So, even when Chris is here and Blayze is here, Sully... I still feel alone and I get SO bored. Haha I'll grab my cards for something to do... So I did. First two rows, there she was; but she's apparently not happy. I don't know what happened; the cards that were there indicate she found out 'the truth' about something, and now she's devastated. So, it either IS or WILL be over. Then it moves on to how Ken feels about ME; NOT ANY of what I was asking, but typical of what happens when I do the cards. Haha Gotta admit though; I am a little curious. What 'truth' did she find out? What a lying, cheating, woman-using snake Ken is? That he USES the WORD 'love' to GET what he WANTS and DOESN'T actually FEEL it? He'd actually USE 'love' and sex JUST to get money and/or a phone; or a place to live? Don't they call those 'Gigilos'? Just because he goes about it in a different way... More of a 'Con-Man' the way he goes through life; just using women instead of standing on his own two feet. Regardless, doesn't make it right; any way you look at it. Anyway... Whatever she found out; GOOD FOR HER. She might be hurting now, but she has NO clue what she was ultimately rescued from. 'The Devil in Blue Jeans'; aka 'Peter Pan'. 

Like I said, Mom, he DESTROYED me; I'm beyond 'Broken'. Beyond repair... Sometimes, this 'nervous energy' I get, that screams at me; I don't know where it came from, or why... But it all of a sudden started when we were together this last time. I think the pills I got to have on hand for 'just in case' are going to help, too. I started to have an onset last night; so I popped a couple. I felt a calming feeling come over my body, and the sensations went away. So, between the StressTabs and those, I should be good; I hope. Haha But I HAVE noticed that they came on LESS after he was gone; and that makes me SO sad. This man... He's SUPPOSED to be the LOVE OF MY LIFE; and it's a COMPLETE disaster. I've NEVER had in my life what I've had with him; the connection... And it's ALL been desecrated; by HIS OWN MOUTH and ACTIONS. You CAN'T take it back; once it's said and done, it's DONE. And never forgotten... Because the WOUNDS cut SO deep, the SCARS take FOREVER to heal. Mine? Mine are deep. You (figuratively) beat me OVER and OVER in the SAME spot, with the SAME bat. My skin and bones WILL break, and I WILL bleed... But I've reached a point that I JUST don't want to get beat anymore; I'm done bleeding for you. Every time you verbally assault me by calling me names, you're lashing out at me. Why? What did I do to DESERVE IT??? Whore, Tramp, Slut, Cum Bucket, Fuc-ing Cu-t... Etc. The list goes on, but are MORE appropriate for the TRASH you've SEEN on the SIDE; NOT ME. I EARNED my reputation of a LADY, but YOU TRY to DESTROY it by YELLING these TRASHY and DISGUSTING epithets, fit for the people YOU date; LOUD enough for everyone to hear. I just thank ALL that is Holy, EVERYONE knows that YOU'RE the trash, and I'M not. People come to me after you do that, every time, just to make sure you didn't hurt me; they think you're crazy. You're under the impression that everyone likes you, because you're SUCH the charmer. In reality, everyone asks me what the HELL I'M doing with such a "loser"; and worse things have been said, too. You REALLY THINK you're 'ALL THAT', because you're a fairly decent looking guy. I hate to burst your bubble, HON; but there are BETTER looking guys in BETTER situations. For instance; they have jobs, cars, licenses, INCOME, their OWN place... Yeah. You're NOT that great of a catch. ;-) And you're gonna be HOW OLD in HOW many days? I think you have some work to do; 'Peter Pan'.

Anyway... Sully's last day of school is coming up and I gotta find something for summer. I also gotta figure out how I'm gonna get him to and from school in September. This was ALL supposed to be done for me now. Anyway... I suppose I should go get ready for work.

I love and miss you EVERYDAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom. Well, it was a pretty good day. Sarah and Tyson got back; Sarah was dreading BIG time going through a week's worth of monies. She said I had it SO organized, she breezed right through it. Haha It was QUITE the amount, too... I'm glad I succeeded in making it easy for her. All I did was what I normally do; so that makes me feel even better. Only difference was that it was a WEEK'S worth, so I labeled the envelopes before putting them strategically in the safe. Important thing is, it worked out. I love the relationship we have though; I really do. She's newly expecting again, so please watch over her. She's having a rough time of it, sick wise. She showed me her ultrasounds; SO tiny. Haha Adorable... I pray this works out for her and she gets her girl.

I seemed to do better physically today; I had a little 'pep in my step'. Haha It's still up and down, but I'm praying I'll get there. There's gotta be something out there that will help me gain some quality of life. Lord knows, I'm on my own... I've gotta find a way to deal with that; with ALL of this. Just everything in my life. I just have to accept that MY life, REALLY isn't 'my own'; I'm here for whatever purpose(s). So called 'happiness'; the 'moments' that I get of it, I suppose I should just be grateful for. It's HARD to accept, in all honesty... Because I really DO want so much more; especially now that I've 'tasted' it. But I'm TERRIFIED. ANY-time I let ANYONE, anywhere NEAR my life... They do SOMETHING to hurt me, somehow. I get used, lied to, at least attempts to manipulate me are made; the same ole, same ole always occurs. But I DON'T want to be alone either... THIS is a miserable existence. But again, the alternative TERRIFIES me. So many emotions, Mom... I read the cards; I see what they say and I know what they say is right and true. How do I deal with it all??? I CAN'T keep doing this; OVER and OVER, and OVER... I mean, DON'T I deserve better; after all??? LOVE ISN'T ENOUGH; and just because I'M the one HE ACTUALLY LOVES in the end... After ALL is said and done; ALL the INSULTS are said, and the DAMAGE is done... He's had ENOUGH of the cheating, has been away from ME long enough to REALLY MISS me; APPRECIATE what we HAD together, because he DOESN'T have it NOW. The cards have always said, ALWAYS SAID; that his CHEATING was a MORAL choice and issue. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not he's on his MEDS; it’s just his character. And I'm sorry, but LIFE has taught me that ONCE a cheater; ALWAYS a cheater. I want that life, WHY??? Because I LOVE him??? Sorry, NO. I've given him almost FOUR YEARS; the chance to change was GIVEN, time and time, and time AGAIN. Along with undeserved forgiveness and several other of my generosities he used up along the way. I need ABSOLUTE CHANGE in my life; but yet, I also want ALL that we had together that was so great. WHERE am I going to find that??? 1-976-ABOY-TOY? Haha  Wouldn't that be funny if that were a real number? Hahahaha Well... I guess it's good to know that even despite everything; I still have my 'weird' and sarcastic sense of humor. That means I'm STILL in here somewhere. Haha 

I'm angry, yes. I'm bitter, yes. I'm ALL of that, and I think I have DAMN GOOD REASONS to be. I'm TIRED of EVERYTHING being the way it is in MY life. I'm TIRED of EVERYONE depending on ME for EVERYTHING; depending on ME to DO everything. I'm 50 YEARS OLD now; I've worked HARD my ENTIRE life and STILL am... I'd LIKE a break. I'd LIKE to get out of HERE TO somewhere... I'd LIKE to settle down, buy my own little place and finally START to have a life of my OWN; I wanted that to be WITH Ken. I wanted ALL of this with Ken... Now, I still want it; I still want it with SOMEONE. But I'm TERRIFIED... I'll end up alone because I'm just damaged beyond repair. God, Mom... 'Auto Pilot'. I wasn't lost until he found me... Now, I can't even find myself.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERYDAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Yeah, it's early; couldn't get back to sleep so I figured, what the heck. I got the 'hot/colds' going on, besides the multiple bathroom trips... Haha So, I got my coffee and I'll spend some time with You.

My life, Mom; the WAY it 'rolls', functions, operates... Will it ever change at ALL? Get ANY better? I know you know what I mean; you must hear me grumble about it all the time. Haha It's just that things NEVER change for me... I'm busy all the time; I get set in my mind I need or WANT to do something, and then I get interrupted WITHOUT fail. Whether by the phone, or the door... Just SOMETHING. Last night, I get a call from Ken; devastating, yet at the same time relieving news to ME, that Caroline passed away from a heart attack the other night. The only reason it's relieving news to me is because of what I've been seeing in the cards; it was either her or me, and I have NOT been well lately. Pardon my relief; I do not WISH her dead, but I have a LOT more going on in MY life and FOR me than SHE does. Again, Lord, forgive me... But I SAW it; and it COULDN'T be ME. When I went shopping at WalMart, I bought stuff I THINK is helping; StressTabs. I got some other stuff, too, to have on hand that should hopefully help with that horrible 'chinese torture' thing I go through. Since I started taking the StressTabs and got the drinks again, I haven't had them; I PRAY I don't have them anymore... They're MISERABLE. If you could FEEL sound; LOUD, BLARING sound throughout your body... Just SCREAMING at you; THAT'S what it's doing to me. It's NOT pain; it's nervous irritation moving throughout your body. It's like 'chinese torture'. If the Government COULD corner this somehow, and USE it as a technique for torture; they would. They probably HAVE figured out a way to simulate it. Anyway, I digress... 

After talking with Ken on the phone, I decided I wanted to do the cards. I started them, and the BELL rang; it was Chris. We talked for a while... We talked about his drinking; he ADMITS he's a drunk. I told him FLAT OUT he's a great guy with a DEMON of a problem. He can continue to sit and complain about his situation, but it's NOT gonna change until he does something about the ROOT of the problem; his DRINKING. In the end, he decided to go into rehab. He knows it's what he HAS to do. It's the inevitable... It's what the court wants him to do; it's what he NEEDS to do; PERIOD, in order to get his life back. He needs help, and there's NO shame in that. You know... Anyone... Ken can put Chris down; but the bottom line is, he was a GOOD boyfriend back in the day. Granted, he's aged HARD; but back then, he was GORGEOUS. He's always been a HARD worker, PAID his bills and debts, took care of his woman, treated her well, NEVER CHEATED... His vice was his alcohol, and still is; but he's STILL a GREAT guy. He's just not for me anymore, that's all. Ken as a boyfriend... I TOLD him I was very 'broken'. He said that was OK; I could be 'fixed', and HE was gonna 'fix' me. Haha YEAH. THAT happened. That and a WHOLE list of LIES and broken promises that never materialized. HA. After being with Ken, I'm beyond 'Broken', I'm 'Damaged Goods'; beyond repair... NO man is worth doubting my own self worth. I KNOW WHAT I'm worth... But when 'where I'm at' and 'AT what' is being questioned so undeservingly... Stepped out on SO constantly... And WHY? WHY do I DESERVE to be cheated on??? I'm a GOOD Woman AND Person. What do I DO to DESERVE the treatment I GOT from KEN??? NOTHING, except be TOO GIVING and TOO much of a FOOL in love with a PLAYER. Caroline is dead... I read the cards and there is still a female present. He's still talking about 'going' and there is the 'moving' or 'breakup' card right around her. So, he's either moving IN with her or gonna break up with her; whoever this female is... Maybe it's Candy. Haha Wouldn't THAT be hilarious?!!? He doesn't love her. But we ALL KNOW, Ken CAN'T be ALONE; God forbid... Good luck. I know he wants to tell me because he keeps bringing it up. Or should I say, he wants ME to ASK; but I'm not going to. If he wants me to know, he can tell me STRAIGHT OUT; NO LIES. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. I'm TIRED of your LIES and BETRAYALS; which is WHY we're not together anymore. You LIE; you CHEAT... So, go ahead and move on to your next victim. Good luck to HER. You'll just do the same thing to her... You'll never change; 'Peter Pan'. I wonder if you'll realize that not only are you making OTHERS miserable; but YOU'LL never find true happiness the way you're living your life. Fact IS; you already DID, and you BLEW it BECAUSE you CAN'T STOP doing these STUPID things... 'Peter Pan'. You're NEVER gonna find 'Neverland'... It doesn't exist. But GOOD LUCK.

Meanwhile, I'm going on with my life. I'm making adjustments; to my schedule, how I do things... Just different things. I'm doing different things to try and deal with my different emotions. One way or another, I'll get through; I always do. I'm a survivor. 

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. It's Sunday, and I guarantee the day will fly. My ONE day, so called 'OFF'; but not really. Haha I got a lot done yesterday, and the duties continue today. I got ALL my shopping done yesterday; WalMart, groceries, little errands... ALL of it. Today will be a LITTLE office, then house cleaning and laundry. A Woman's work is never done. Haha TRUTH. Feels good though... Throughout the couple weeks, I've been doing laundry, organized Sully's drawers, put the rack up in the bathroom, cleaned the frig & freezer; got rid of meats that I won't eat. Now, my frig LOOKS like MY FRIG. Haha And I have FOOOOD in it!!!! Haha Good stuff, that we like to eat. It was nice while shopping, because I didn't have to worry so much about money; I could actually SPEND some on food, which I did... $250.00. Why? Because I wasn't already in the hole, WHEN I got paid like I am when he's around; by HUNDREDS. But he'd ARGUE with me about ANYTHING I brought up about him and having to DO something about gaining some income. Yeah... 'Money Pit'. Not MY problem anymore...

As you know, Mom, he was here briefly yesterday. Hmmmmm.... He's definitely not a happy camper; he was playing his typical 'Yeah, I'm fine', trying to be a tough guy Ken. But the truth is... He was on the verge of tears before he left here. I don't know what he expected from me when he was here...? He got a new phone, of course; he was 'shoving' it in my face, like I'd care. Caroline (or someone) probably bought it for or gave it to him. And even IF he earned the money for it... WHY wasn't he out doing it BEFORE??? WHY can he SUDDENLY come up with work SO EASILY when he needs it, when we're APART??? Yeah; GOOD question. He said he's leaving, and won't be around... OK. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. Do I have feelings? Of course I do; but the betrayal is JUST... I'VE HAD IT. And I've had it with his denial; THAT'S a betrayal, too. Not only did I see the messages between them with my own eyes, I see her in the cards; she's THERE. He REGRETS it. But she's there. I SEE IT; ALL of it... I even see he wants out and back what he had. I guess he should've thought of that when he HAD it... MULTIPLE times and was forgiven for the SAME things. NEVER again.

Do I hurt? More than you know; which is what BROUGHT me to how I feel. I've been through this TOO MANY TIMES, with JUST Ken; I can't do it ANYMORE. I'm not even the same person anymore.... And that hurts. I don't trust at ALL; I don't FEEL except for pain and heartache. I'll NEVER let anyone close to me again... EVER. I just exist; and it's a miserable existence. I work and clean, clean and work; and when I'm not doing those, I'm doing laundry; or counseling somebody; or working ON something FOR somebody else; taking care of Sully... The list goes on. THIS is my 'down time'; when I get to write. Lately, I've been coming in my room, shutting the door and sitting on my bed here, with my laptop; just writing. Maybe I'll do a blog site again, I don't know... It went well before. Maybe that would be a better idea than a dating site. Haha I'm not so sure I'm ready for that... Hence, why I haven't done it. Last thing I need to do is jump out of the frying pan, into a hot skillet. I'm also not up for anymore disappointment; I think I've had more than my share. Again, just with Ken. I wanted things to work; desperately... So desperately, I forgave him the unforgivable, in MY book; multiple times. Then, even when apart AGAIN and heartbroken, I see things that 'maybe?', woulda?', 'coulda?' possibly helped his aggravation and mood issues... OVER the COUNTER. Which, of course in my opinion is the better way to go over medication, IF it would work. However, you know WHO would've been PAYING for it; ME. Again... Another reason HE needs income; but he never seems to get off his ASS to get anything accomplished unless he's NOT with me. How sad is that? But he loves me, right? He can't even stay ALONE. Then like they say... If THAT'S love; then I want NOTHING to do with it.

Chris was here last night when we pulled up from shopping; passed out in his truck, drunk as a skunk. He's really worrying me. In order for your life to change, you need to ACCEPT your problems; then FACE them HEAD ON, and TAKE ACTION. Nothing will change for Chris, first off because he's in denial about his drinking AND won't stop. He bounces around for places to sleep; to include a rest area in his truck. He pops in here, now and then to spend a night and get a shower. I appreciate that he's not taking advantage. But I'm worried about him, none the less; I just can't make him MY problem. I have enough on my plate. I can offer a 'safe haven' now and then and an ear to listen... To his stories OVER, and OVER, and OVER... Haha He repeats himself a LOT. A LOT. Hahaha But anyway, he's a decent guy that's REALLY down on his luck. But it won't go UP anytime soon if he doesn't at least cut DOWN on the beer. 

OK, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I gotta go to the office. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever, and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Thank God I have writing as an outlet. Times, such as I've been going through lately, are when I miss you the most. You know I miss you every day; but I really have no one... To talk to, to lean on, to depend on; just no one. Some of the things I really need to talk about, I can't; I feel others 'judge' me if I try to talk to anyone. In their cases, you DON'T know what you've NEVER had. YOU were different. YOU understood; because we're alike. Some of the things I need to talk about, people just think I'm crazy... 

Sometimes, looking around at other people, I feel like my 'gifts' ARE gifts; I wouldn't want to go through life as 'clueless' and delusional as others do. I actually have the ability to 'read' people pretty well; even from a picture. My 'senses' and 'feelings'… Are they ALWAYS right, and ON the money? No... But a lot of the time they are; or they sure as Hell lead me in the right direction, at least. If I suspect my man is doing something that he shouldn't be; then more than likely, he is. Deny ALL you want; I've been PROVEN RIGHT in my history... Even THROUGH the denial. Ken, even though the love of my life, had to be my MOST abusive relationship; he has forever broken and destroyed me. I'll NEVER be who I was again; or able to let anyone near or close to me. How could I??? The one time I actually let someone in, he betrayed me the worst and the most; over, and over, and over... And to think, my first impression was to put the car in REVERSE and BEAT IT. He was the Devil in Blue jeans; just smilin' away... But he saw, he wanted, he GOT; and I'VE regretted it since. The 'Good Times' were NOT WORTH ALL that HE has cost me; in 'the long run', and 'in the big picture' of things.

I just keep thinking things over and over in my mind; the different things he's put me through over the years. How he can even claim to 'love' me, I don't know. But what I think is even stranger, is that I KNOW he loves me; because I've SEEN it. He's just SO sick and self destructive... Why he thinks and feels the way he does; and over the course of time, STILL thinks he can get away with it all. WHO'S the Fool? Doesn't he realize that all he's done is make our entire relationship a LIE? EVERY time he's 'taken these breaks' to do his 'whoring' thing... He THINKS he's 'all that', but... He's got a rude awakening coming someday. He's got a stupid pattern of '3'; 3 days, weeks or months. We just made it 3 months; AGAIN. But I'm DONE this time... TOO MUCH DAMAGE. He purposely sets out to hurt me; I pick up on even the stupid little details. Such as with Caroline. At first, she had NO pic on Facebook. Then she HAD a pic of herself. Then Ken and I break up and are going through all of this; suddenly, her pic is a cartoon monkey. Why? Did Ken tell her I love my primates, and he THOUGHT it would bother me? Haha I found it ridiculously, childishly, KEN. Haha Just like what he'll do is get tired of the whole thing with her; because it was never REAL to begin with... He'll break it off. When he feels he's let enough time go by, he'll contact me; but he may not get the response he's expecting. He's hoping that enough time will elapse; I'll cool down and forgive him... AGAIN. Well, I'm TIRED of forgiving him for USING me, ABUSING me; taking me for granted; LYING to me; CHEATING on me, MULTIPLE times (I should make a list of names that I KNOW; never mind the ones I DON'T!!!); STEALING stuff from me; BREAKING stuff on me... The list goes on. Then, we get to the name calling, of which I do NOT deserve. He SAYS horrible things about me, besides the name calling... Like saying I "just lay there" in bed. Whores "give better head" than I do. How much MORE can he DESTROY me??? He rapes me in my sleep, pretending to have a conscience about it; but had he had conscience, it would only have happened once... Not several times. Under NO circumstance, is there a justification for what he did. Not even me telling him to wake me up for sex; because he NEVER WOKE me up. Any time I stirred, he backed off; which is an indication you KNOW what you're doing is WRONG. To indicate further knowledge of his guilt, when he THOUGHT I was asleep, he started back up AGAIN, until I stirred; he backed off, so I got up and went to the bathroom. Now, this is just ONE occurrence that I HAPPENED to wake up to; there was one other that I recall, and he TOLD me about another. That makes THREE. How many DON'T I know about??? So, perhaps THAT'S where he gets that I 'just lay there'; because I'm NOT CONSCIOUS. When I WAS, I've known him to not be able to breathe (to the point it scared ME); he was exhausted and fell right asleep, content. But what do I know...

The more I think, the angrier I get... At myself, too. WHAT IS IT about ME, Mom; that men LIKE Ken just HAVE to HAVE me? WHY can't I get someone more 'suitable' for ME??? Then, once they have me... It's just NEVER ENOUGH; they DESTROY EVERYTHING in my life. I'm done; JUST DONE. Closest a man will get to ME, will be to take me OUT. I have no interest in anything else anyway; THAT'S all been destroyed. So, from here on out; it will be what YOU can do for ME. 

Well, I finally got paid, so I can go get some food!!! I'm actually starting out the month IN the POSITIVE; money IN my pocket BEFORE payday... Ken was my 'Money Pit'; he'd give me a hard time about getting OFF his ass, yet had NO PROBLEM dropping his hints, and sticking his hand out for whatever HE wanted. Bottom line and I'm not gonna candy coat it: I worked my ASS OFF, 7 DAYS PER WEEK. HE was a 'House Husband'; he SHOULD'VE done the JOB of a 'House Husband' like I did, even as a WORKING Mom. I was and AM disabled; but am older now. I need HELP now, and should've GOTTEN it; especially with all that I GAVE. That's my story, and I'm STICKING TO IT. 

OK, Mom... I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... What a day I had yesterday; busy, busy. Got more laundry done; which reminds me, I have to go down to the basement. Haha I even got a massage last night, which I didn't expect. I thought those days were over, and the only ones I'd get were the ones I gave myself. Haha But, I actually even slept better last night. I kicked Chris out of my room around 7:30 and said I'm going to SLEEP. Yeah, he showed up again. Still talking the same ole, same ole and reeking of beer... I feel bad for him; but not bad enough to let him in my bed. I hear about how he reminisces about all those years ago. I told him FLAT OUT; I'm not that girl anymore. HE'S still that guy; but I'M not that girl anymore. I've changed; I'm very different now because of all I've been through. He says he can still hope. I told him I hope he lets go of it. Memories are nice; but as for the future... It's ALL in the PAST. 

You'll never guess who I got a Friend Request from today... Yeah; Ken. Yet, ANOTHER Facebook site. Hahahaha How many does he NEED??? When I TRIED to establish that new one, his other ones popped up as 'suggestions' for friends. Haha They're still out there... Now, he has at least 3 ACTIVE. The one he had while with me, the one he just friended me from, and one that doesn't have a pic; but it's obviously for his and Caroline's use... It's only on HER site. Don't tell me she knows 2 'Ken Reeds'. Haha He tried pulling THAT one on me with Tina about the other site. I'm sorry, but I'M JUST NOT STUPID. He's got Brandon as a friend, too; but whatever. I'm not on Facebook ANYWAY... I really JUST don't care anymore. I've settled on that not only doesn't HE deserve ME; I don't deserve ANY of what I have and haven't gotten from him. He's where he belongs and with his 'type'. The thing that kills me is, if he ONLY put HALF as much effort into what he SHOULD be doing, as he does manipulating, conniving, cheating, lying and ALL the things he does JUST to suit his own purposes... He'd actually be BETTER off and ABLE to stand on his OWN two feet. Imagine that... ;-) But what can I say? Not only did I give him love and TRY to show him a different way of life; I WAS successful. It bottom lines to HIS CHOICES; BAD ones. Then he CHOOSES to lay blame on me for HIS actions gone bad. Yeah... THEY can HAVE IT; NO thank you.

I've actually been contemplating joining this dating site that would be more appropriate for ME. I might; I might not... I haven't decided yet. I might, just for fun; something to do, and maybe meet someone NEW and more like ME. I don't know; we'll see.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Well, it was back to work today; not that it ever stopped. Haha I even work on my, so called 'days off'. Then on top of it, I have all my other stuff to do; so it's never ending. That's why it killed me; all the time that Ken just sat on his butt, yet 'expected' praise for all that he did. What about all that he COULD have done that he DIDN'T do that's still left on MY plate; the one that actually WORKS...??? He could've cleaned the refrigerator, for example. Why did that have to be done by ME? I think about a LOT that just pisses me off... I work SO HARD, ALL the time; but he complained when I asked him NOT to 'waste a trip' downstairs, and to take the garbage out that had ALREADY been sitting there for THREE DAYS, and the trash needed changing AGAIN. Did I need to ask for THAT, TOO??? Oh no, that's right; I just DO it MYSELF. Today, I was opening the windows in the living room and checking my plants. I noticed that the pink butterfly you 'sent' me on my birthday a couple years ago is NOW missing; when it WAS there when I watered the plants last week before Ken was gone. I know this because I have to MOVE the butterfly in order TO water the plant it's IN. He knows how MUCH that means to me... Yet, ANOTHER desecration. That's fine... More proof we DON'T belong together. Love isn't supposed to hurt; and Ken sets OUT to hurt me on PURPOSE. He gets pleasure out of hurting me. He'd like to see me get arrested, he likes to see me lose things, hurt my feelings... Etc. He's just sick.

So anyway... Sorry, Mom. I had it for a while anyway. Sully's home now, so I'm going home. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. So many 'sign' issues this morning, I can't help but go over things in my mind. First, after I was thinking about Ken with Candy, and possibly returning to PA... On TV, all of a sudden I heard the end of a commercial; but what stood out was the word 'Candy'. Then, I turned on my computer right after AT 9:11 AM. Haha I had to laugh... Then by the time I got on site here, it was 9:17. Haha Yup. 'Signs' that I'm at least on the right track that there's SOMETHING going on... And whether Ken PLANNED anything with Candy or not; SHE'S been watching and had/has a plan of her own. That's why she kept in contact with ME; to keep an eye. Maybe Ken kept in contact with her on one of his other sites. NOT saying he did or that there's even a plan WITH her... She couldn't get over him for SOME reason; and it wasn't the sex. Of course, SHE could be as sick as HE is... "Birds of a feather, flock together." One of the things I've been reminding myself of, as to why Ken and I could never work anyway; we’re TOO different. He actually LIKES 'ugly, whorish' women; I don't fit that bill. But Candy and Caroline DO. They're also idiots; make him feel 'smarter'… I never did anything on PURPOSE to condescend to him; but I can't help that I'M educated and HE'S not. I'm not gonna 'dumb' myself down for ANYONE. Another thing I've been reminding myself of is, "You're only as good as what you surround yourself with". I'm tired of having to defend HIS record. After things that HAVE 'appeared' in his phone, on his Facebook he DOESN'T know I know about... High school girls he was friends with; like in PA. Some little RED HEAD that used to like to post HOT little pics of herself... Funny how he wasn't 'friends' with her anymore once WE started talking again, and he 'friended' ME on Facebook again. Why would THAT be? Teen porn sites that 'popped' up now and then that he just couldn't explain... Funny, I never get any of those in MY email, or on MY YouTube. DATING Site ads, sure; not teen porn. You go LOOKING for that. Things that happen to ME in my sleep; every now and then, I just happen to wake up to. NOT cool. There's a difference between waking someone UP to be intimate, and just HAVING your way with them while they're unconscious. And some of the opportunities chosen were beyond selfish... Not that they weren't to begin with. I've defended him being a 'predator'; but WHAT is all of THAT??? A man that has a woman like ME, but STILL has to CHEAT; with whores or just ANYONE... YOUNG girls, teens. I don't want to believe it and never have... But, Mom; He NEEDS HELP. He's SICK. I can't make it my problem anymore... Where ever he ends up, he ends up; Caroline's, PA... Wherever.

I just found the WHOLE thing FUNNY; how the 'signs' were corresponding with my thoughts. I had to tell you about it. I think it would be funny if he ended up moving to PA again with Candy; because all in all... He was MISERABLE down there. Haha The bottom line is... He can try, but he won't find happiness; he already did and BLEW it. Now, he has to live with THAT for the rest of his life. What he HAD with ME was as perfect as it can get; except what HE needed to do to better our situation. So, good luck... And yeah, to both of us. I don't deny that... The difference is, that I'M capable of being ALONE; HE'S NOT. Which is ALSO a part of our downfall. He's proven THAT to me, too. He's just NOT capable of being faithful; a ONE WOMAN Man. Not even online, or when he's JUST away from me... And considering I can even let an EX STAY with me and NOT do ANYTHING; just HOW SAD is THAT? Extremely, I'd say. So, THIS was the FINAL chapter of the 'Ken & Wylene Saga'… As sad as it is in ways. I KNOW I'll never find what WE had; so why bother. 

OK, Mom, that's it for today. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Well, Mom, I have to say... This HAS to be the FINAL Chapter in the 'Ken & Wylene Saga'; because I JUST can't do it anymore. He hurt me for the LAST time; but I DO need to talk about it... And you're the one that's always been here for me.

Things were going really well while he was on the meds; at least I think they were. In all honesty, I was at work while he was up here all day; alone... On his phone. He had EVERY chance in the world to do WHATEVER. Then, when I send him home to Mom's & Dad's to give US a break... He picks up IMMEDIATELY with Caroline; who has the hots for HIM, but HE claims HE thinks nothing about HER. Funny... Last time we broke up and got back together, she wouldn't even TALK to me; when BEFORE, she was DESPERATE for my approval. Why? Because THEY had 'a thing'. He goes home THIS time, and IMMEDIATELY takes up with her; friends on Facebook, messaging, getting together for coffee, blowing heart kisses, calling her "love", sexual innuendos... But OH; NOTHING is going on. I don't know what's MORE of a betrayal; the ACT or the LIE...??? They're both hurtful, and BOTH acts of betrayal; but TRUST him. Yeah, SURE. Sorry... I trust my OWN EYES, for one; then my own instincts. Then, THEN... He pulls the 'Typical Ken' and turns it ALL around on ME. First, he tries to be charming, because what he REALLY wants is ME. When that doesn't work, he turns VICIOUS; the REAL KEN comes out. He threatens me and anything important TO me; my WELL BEING. Yeah; THAT'S love... Threatened my Social Security & Welfare Benefits; after EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR HIM. But whatever; he can't hurt me. But I COULD, HIM... IF he ever pushed it; and I could pass a LIE DETECTOR TEST. I wouldn't want to, but I'm DONE being screwed over BY the people I'VE helped. I'm done being called names and threatened; used and abused. Just completely BROKEN. At this point, I don't know if I'll ever be whole again; I've been broken SO MANY times in my lifetime... Never mind over the last few years. 

I know I need to ACCEPT that Ken will NEVER change; in my HEART, as well as my mind. I KNOW it; I just continue to carry 'hope' because of how MUCH I love him... And because regardless of how SICK he IS; I know he truly loves me, too. But he IS SICK; and THAT is just ONE of the things that I can't deal with anymore, because HE doesn't deal with it APPROPRIATELY. You can't use 'meds'; being on them or not being on them as an excuse for ALL your actions, or LACK thereof. Once you learn you HAVE these conditions, you ALSO learn the methods and skills to DEAL with them. He's been USING his 'issues' as an EXCUSE to do WRONG things for our ENTIRE relationship; and it's OLD. It's JUST WHO and WHAT he IS; and I HAVE to accept it. He'll NEVER change. He's a LIAR, CHEATER, USER and ABUSER. He manipulates situations to benefit HIM. He's SELFISH and SELF-SERVING. He actually gets ANGRY when something DOESN'T go his way, or you DON'T give him what he wants at times; and I don't mean just 'upset'. I mean 'temper tantrum' angry; where he throws things, storms off, slams things and doors, things get broken, and SERIOUS damage gets done... On MORE than one level. He calls me "Tramp", "Douchebag", "Whore", "Cum bucket", "Fuc-king C-nt"… ALL kinds of names I not only DON'T deserve, I certainly DON'T qualify. But HE does. I certainly haven't DONE anything in my LIFETIME; never mind our relationship that would EARN ME any of those titles. But HE has; in BOTH his lifetime AND our relationship. So, what do I have to worry about? He said that I'll "get [mine]"… For the LOVE of GOD, I HOPE SO; I've definitely EARNED it. I won't even BOTHER to talk about what's 'in store' for Ken..... But HE made his bed; now HE can lay in it... With Caroline or WHOEVER. But he'll never hurt ME again. Ha. 'Peter Pan'… 

Well, Mom... Just help me stay strong. He really hurt me; AGAIN. He gave me 3 months of GREAT with the Love of my Life; what do I DO with all of these EMOTIONS??? 'Auto Pilot'. I need 'Auto Pilot'. I could use one of your Angel hugs right now, too... OK, Mom. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

You know, Mom... Until Ken, I never knew I was capable of loving AND hating someone at the SAME time; but he's proven to me that it's possible... And that I'M capable of it. How HORRIBLE to be able to mix and MESS with someone's emotions; it's incomprehensible to me. Then to claim you LOVE someone. Just wow... And continue to TRY and torture them; because they didn't give you what YOU wanted. That makes YOU such a GREAT person, doesn't it, Ken? To be MEAN and VICIOUS to me... SO loving and gentlemanly of you; ISN'T IT, Ken? SO deserving of my love and loyalty...? My FORGIVENESS...? SO MANY TIMES...??? Yeah. I WAS a GREAT girlfriend; honest, faithful, loyal, TRUSTWORTHY, supportive on multiple levels... MY list goes on TOO. But it's DONE. I'M done; being lied to, cheated on, used, abused and JUST plain PLAYED for a FOOL. So, SWEET DREAMS... Lord knows, they were NEVER of Me ANYWAY, LYING SACK OF SHIT. Good luck to, especially your NEXT victim.

Love you, Mom... Thanks for listening; as always. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Oh, God... I'm SO tired; of just everything. I'm tired of listening to OTHER people complain, when I have SO much to complain about MYSELF; but don't. I'm SO tired of LISTENING to everyone else, when NO ONE ever has the time or desire to EVER listen to ME; even when it's important... Even if just to me. I'm tired of being 'the go to' for everyone FOR everything; yet NO ONE is there for ME when I'm in need without making me feel bad about it somehow. I'm tired of BEING everything TO everyone without GETTING at least a little something in return... Such as a little recognition or gratitude. I'm not "Miracle" or "Wonder Woman" anymore... 'Strong like BULL' anymore, like I was. It affects me; in MANY more ways than one. If they were ONLY aware HOW it affects me... If they only cared; I wouldn't be "THE ONE" ALL the time. At least I could hope anyway... 

This whole Ken thing; I just can't do it anymore. I can't 'play' his fool anymore. 3-½ years now... Things have LITERALLY popped up in front of my face. He's a liar, cheater, womanizer, user, abuser... The LIST goes on. He'll do WHATEVER it takes to get WHATEVER he wants; even a few bucks for a phone. He'll sweet talk a woman; even WHILE with me, to get MONEY for whatever. These last couple of times, Caroline; a little 'tottie' that couldn't compare to me if she tried... She's lazy, a leech, a user herself; JUST perfect for Ken. A match made in Hell. WHILE he and I were still together, even though he was back at Mom's and Dad's; he was 'sweet talking' HER for his selfish purposes... The entire time, LYING to ME about it; saying there was NOTHING going on with her. I SAW it with my OWN EYES; the messages between them... Ones that occurred even while he was messaging me, telling me he was already on the couch for bed; when in REALITY, he was making plans with HER for coffee... At HER place. 'Peter Pan'; not only will he never grow up, he'll NEVER change. I'm done investing MY time and money into something that will NEVER materialize. I can't live on 'hope'… And I can't live without trust; so I may as well be alone. I'm done playing ANYONE'S 'Fool'.

Why, Mom? I was fine. I wasn't lost until he found me; just like the song says. I lived my life on 'Auto Pilot', and THAT worked JUST FINE for me. So WHAT if I went the rest of my life not knowing what REAL love felt like? I wouldn't have known... Now? Now, I'm going BACK to 'Auto Pilot'. Ken destroyed what LITTLE 'normal' I had left in me. I have NO sex drive; I haven't for quite some time now. I don't even get 'feelings' anymore. Trust? WHAT'S THAT??? I don't think I'll EVER be able to trust ANYONE of the male persuasion again; on any inter-personal level. 

EVERY man in my life has taken advantage of me; personally, financially. People, especially MEN wonder WHY I'm a little sick of it now? When will someone have a first thought of taking care of ME??? ALL anyone ever thinks of when they meet me, is WHAT they can GET from me; especially MEN. DONE with them; PERIOD. Ken thinks I don't pick up on his little 'hints' of needing "just $15 to get [his] phone"; and him being SO WORRIED about NOT being able to be in contact with me... BULL SHIT. More like NOT being able to be on his SITES and in contact with EVERYONE he wants; especially FEMALES. Sorry; I was DONE paying FOR your resources TO cheat on me a LONG time ago. EARN it yourself. 

But as for 'Earning' me... Guess THAT'S over. You've proven you're NOT capable of BEING or STAYING faithful; so be it. So, I'm done. What LIES and STORIES will you tell people THIS TIME??? I'm PARANOID and ACCUSED you of cheating??? SHOW THEM YOUR MESSAGES. IF you didn't DELETE them. Let's see how OTHERS would feel if they were in my shoes; NOT that I CARE. They're MY shoes, and I'M WALKING in them; no one else. Let THEM deal with Ken's shit for nearly 4 years... See what THEY do. I've been MORE than decent, and MORE than forgiving; and it's gotten me NOWHERE except SCREWED OVER.

OK, Mom... Wish you were here. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... MAN, what I HAD to DO just to get on here via my phone. I've done it before, but THIS time, had to change my password. Took FOREVER... Appropriate, I guess. Haha

Anyway... I've been going through a lot; physically, emotionally... I really can't STAND it. I finally wrote Josh a letter; expressing my discontent. What it will accomplish, I don't know; I can only hope. I HATE feeling the way I do, but I have NOTHING because it goes to OTHERS. TIRED... I'M the one that BARELY sleeps, WORKS EVERY DAY, to include FOR the roof over ALL our heads... But TRY to get any satisfaction for things that are important to ME. Ken helps... But for HIM to have the attitude that HE "busts [HIS] ass" on a daily basis, when he gets to sleep... Even during the day... Hangs around, plays games; and yet I STILL come home to MESS, things NOT done, and ATTITUDE when I FINALLY say something. The way he started things with me this morning made me wonder, IS he taking his meds...? Because the mattress needed to be pushed back against the wall; he started, I finished... But then he says we won't be able to feel the heat, that's getting shut OFF in a WEEK. AND, HE always complains about being HOT. It bottom lines to I just can't do things RIGHT in HIS mind and opinion. The mattress was pushed back to where we HAD it; even during COLD weather. So... The issue IS??? Yeah... Just what I thought. If he THINKS I'll tolerate being mistreated, even a LITTLE... THINK AGAIN. I'm SO fed up, even though I WANT my relationship; SOMETIMES I miss LIVING alone. Would I be happy? Only to the extent of FINALLY having MY environment the way I WORK SO HARD to HAVE it... And NOT get destroyed on me. I've EARNED it. My LIFE has been about struggle and sacrifice; but the last 30 YEARS have been extreme... And at MY loss. I'm TIRED... Of taking care of EVERYONE. Will there EVER come a time when MY life is about ME??? Doubtful...

Anyway... I'm gonna quit venting, and just tell you I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I'm SO sorry it's been SO long since I've been here; LIFE has been a bit 'overbearing'... As I'm sure you see.

I was moved out of the office area into an ACTUAL apartment. I feel like I finally got a raise after 3 HARD years of work. It's made life better in some ways, but harder in others. It's JUST like 'having a job' now, which I'm NOT supposed to be doing... Even though I worked SO hard before, NOW it's get up every morning; shower and get ready to GO to work. Before, not feeling well wasn't an issue. IF everyone 'under my umbrella' right now ONLY KNEW what I was going through DAILY... They STILL wouldn't care because it's NOT THEM. God knows that Joshua WOULDN'T and COULDN'T do ANYTHING I've done or accomplished... But I was just informed from SULLY today that Josh thinks I'm "STUPID". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA If ONLY HE could light a MATCH; never mind a CANDLE to ME... He'd be SUCCESSFUL, on the RIGHT path instead of a life of 'chaos', and bringing it into MY life... HE'D be raising Sully and RIGHT. NOT be the kind of parent that ONLY thinks of himself; not others OR HIS child. Instead, he just EXPECTS everyone to take care of and clean up after him; RESCUE him when he CONTINUES to make the SAME mistakes, OVER and OVER. I'M TIRED of it all... So is Blayze. WHEN will I be able to have a life of MY OWN??? I WANT my kids; I even WANT them AROUND me... Often. But they NEED to be able to make it on their OWN; that's HOW I raised them. Blayze... He's doing OK for the most part; I'm VERY proud of him. HE should be the 'older brother'. I'm just TIRED of EVERYTHING being on MY shoulders, ALL the time. When things don't go 'right', it affects me and Ken, too; and for the FIRST time in 3 years, we're doing pretty well. We have a LONG way to go; he has to PROVE to me that he's DONE with EVERYTHING he's done in our past history... Which will take TIME. But when things like a phone bill getting 'mysteriously' paid... I check his phone and stuff on it or Facebook, and I see DATING SITES. He had 14 of them, so I deleted them WITH his knowledge and him right there. I NEVER used to do stuff like that... But I'm sorry; I'm scared. OTHER people do it as a protective measure; SELF protection. THAT'S what it's all about. I don't LIKE feeling the way I do... It was 'induced'. But AFTER I did all of that, I checked again the other day. There was ANOTHER dating site called 'UDate'; THAT was NOT there before, so WHY WAS IT??? But he SAYS he's not doing any of that anymore... I WANT to believe, but it's HARD; especially when things 'pop up'. A text from what was obviously some 'site', or 'someone' he contacted on one... All I KNOW is that I CAN'T and WON'T go through what I have... My entire life. I KNOW I'm worth MORE than all of that. And I'M TIRED. Things are either gonna be LEGIT in my life... Or I'll go through it ALONE. I LOVE Ken... But I ALSO need to trust him and KNOW that our relationship is TRUTHFUL; that I'M the ONLY ONE... Even 'online'. I'd like to get married (again) some day... Scary as it is, I DO want it; and I DO love and want it with Ken. But... I HAVE TO KNOW... Or it's NOT gonna happen. Things have DEFINITELY been SO MUCH better since he got on his medication... But... I NEED to KNOW that it's HONEST. THIS will be the LAST time I ever play 'the Fool'. But anyway...

That's it for now, Mom. I gotta go feed Sully some lunch. I LOVE and MISS you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, there's certainly a lot going on. Where do I begin? I've been busy, that's for sure. I have SO much to do and catch up on; I wonder if I'll ever be able to, unless I JUST SIT for HOURS or even DAYS and JUST DO IT. Haha Frankly, sometimes, I WANT to... Then, I get this overwhelming feeling of, "Oh man, just to hell with it." Haha It's BECAUSE I have SUCH an OVERWHELMING amount on my plate, ALL the time; and then MORE just keeps PILING ON. Then for Tyson to say to me yesterday what he said... I'm sorry, THAT just PISSED ME RIGHT OFF. If ANYONE is 'OVER WORKED' in THIS place, it's ME. But they want to worry about CHAD??? How about just a LITTLE concern for ME??? I'VE ended up in the HOSPITAL 3 times BECAUSE of the STRESS of this place, and was TOLD to LESSEN my stress. Hahahahahahahaha  YEAH, OK. I'll HOP RIGHT ON THAT. ;-)  I can't even WALK OUT MY DOOR without being BOMBARDED; which is WHY I prefer to send OTHER people to do things, rather than just go myself a lot of the time. You REALLY THINK I WANT to be cooped up IN HERE, ALL the time??? No. But I can't even go down to do LAUNDRY without being BOMBARDED by people, and HELD UP for a CONSIDERABLE amount of time. When that happens, it KEEPS me from doing the things that I either NEED to be doing, or WANT to be getting done. Am I glad that people around here 'like' me and WANT to associate with me, rather than think I'm just a 'Wicked Old Witch'? Haha Of course, I do... However, DRAW THE LINE, and realize that I am a VERY BUSY WOMAN that ALSO has a LIFE, or would LIKE to have a life of her own. Haha  I don't think that 'The Duperrons' have a clear and concise 'description' or 'definition' of WHAT a 'MANAGER' IS and/or DOES; because in MY experience AS a Manager... I always had a TEAM that worked for/with me that I DELEGATED 'work assignments' to. I did MY work, and BELIEVE me; I got MY 'hands dirty'... I worked VERY HARD at WHATEVER job I did; it didn't matter if I worked in a GARAGE. I even did BODY WORK and MECHANICS, besides running the Office. Here... When I agreed to take this position, the POSITION consisted of THESE duties: Collect rent, answer phones and turn over rooms and apartments when people moved; PERIOD. I basically just had to sit here and 'look pretty' at ANY time in between; but do any WORK??? No... I TURNED this INTO 'A JOB' and a REAL BUSINESS, and got it RUNNING like a REAL business. This is NOW the BEST Boarding House IN Manchester... And EVERYONE that comes here, SAYS that. So, THAT even means above and beyond the OTHER 'Duperron Properties'. Perhaps THAT'S why Bob is SO hard ON Sarah about certain things. Maybe he's a little 'envious'... He's ALWAYS complimented me and so has Joanne; they wish THEY had me running THEIR properties. Anyway... As usual, I'll move past and just DO whatever I NEED to DO to run this business the way I HAVE been. I know Chad's here for me... He was here for me BEFORE he was 'official'. Haha 

Ken and I have spent time together the last couple days, and we've gotten along really well. I know, that's always how it goes at first; so, don't worry. Haha He and Chris met last night; I admit, I was a little nervous about it. Ken was on his way over, and JUST as he was about to get here, Chris showed up. Then the bell rang... Ken was actually REALLY good about it, thank God; and so was Chris. I could tell Chris wasn't HAPPY about it... Haha But, oh well. I've been pretty up front with Chris, so... The fact that HE'S not HEARING me... However, NOW, after hearing what I heard last night... I have to say, the way Ken put it is FUNNY, but definitely correct, too. 3 strikes, he's basically OUT. Haha At first, I wasn't sure what he meant; but it goes to show how WELL Ken knows me. Hahahahaha He said, First strike, talking about the Future. Second strike, saying HE was my 'Bad Penny'. Third strike, saying he DOESN'T believe in GOD. THAT blew me AWAY... I didn't know he felt that way; but it TOTALLY caught me off guard. Then he just FLAT OUT said it; he's an ATHEIST. So, OK then... HOW could I even POSSIBLY consider any type of 'relationship' with him, other than friendship? I am who I AM... And IF I even TRIED to 'explain' anything to him about it, he would not only NOT believe me... He'd think I was some sort of LUNATIC. Hahaha To this day, I don't think Ken knows what to think or believe... WHO WOULD??? Someone looks at you and tells you they're an 'Earth Angel' and their MOTHER was, too. They show you a PICTURE of their Mother after She died, and it's Her 'Angel'. ALL the different things ABOUT me, and I basically have to say, "I just need you to accept it and ME." I've always wanted to JUST be loved and accepted BECAUSE I KNOW that everything ABOUT me is SO 'unbelievable'... But it's ALSO, ALL true; and when given the time, I CAN 'back it all up' with 'action'. Things I say ahead of time, WILL happen and DO... Things I should have NO knowledge of, somehow, I DO... At times. I get visions at times; I get 'feelings' at times... I 'sense' things. I'm capable of 'feeling' another person's emotions AT the time. I don't always like that one... Hahaha There are LOTS of things I'm 'capable' of that are considered 'gifts'... Do I always consider them 'gifts'? NO... Haha Sometimes, they're a pain in the BUTT. They've made my life extremely difficult, especially with OTHER people and with relationships. I don't seem to be 'entitled' to HAVE one, or to be 'in love' on a 'Forever' basis. It's like, I get men that need some sort of 'fixing', and I'm the 'Repair Person'. Haha Because in all honesty, there's not one that I was ever with that I DIDN'T help in SOME fashion. Even THEY were able to admit that. Being with me was a 'positive' thing in their lives; even if it wasn't so much for me. Again... "Earth Angel' and HERE to 'serve a purpose'. It's basically been crammed down my throat, and FORGIVE me for putting it so bluntly. It's just that I would LIKE to have some 'happiness' while here, too; while SERVING that purpose. But I guess, like YOU said, Mom... I'll get my just rewards in 'the after life'. So be it... I guess I'll take whatever LITTLE happiness I can get while here.

But now, HOW do I tell Chris that we can ONLY be friends? He called me last night, STILL talking the same way... He plans on coming here today after work to 'spend time' with me. He's entitled to his beliefs and how he feels. It's just that I can't possibly... I can ONLY be friends; THAT'S IT. And I don't want to lead him on to think we could be more. We don't even have anything in common... And I've BEEN saying that I felt I've grown beyond him over these years. People change... I have. I'm just not the same person I was all those years ago. I am in WAYS; just not completely. I'm FAR more 'grown up', and my standards are just obviously higher now, also in ways. I've stayed alone for YEARS... Not even a date, because the RIGHT person didn't ask. Please help me do this RIGHT, Mom. I don't want to hurt him. He's already going through so much.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom & Dad. Dad's in the home, but Mom's having a difficult time. Please comfort them both through all of this. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... How was YOUR Valentine's Day? Mine? It was 'interesting' to say the least, but was also VERY nice. Night before last, there was a death in the building; I'm positive it was an OD. I don't care for the woman, but it was sad, just the same. I wanted her 'out' of the building; just not in that manner. I didn't care for her as a person, and I certainly didn't care for her way of life; but I certainly didn't wish her any harm. Her man left her last week because he was sick of a lot of different things... He was in here in tears yesterday, as well as on the phone. As little as I care for him, the moment called for a sympathetic and consoling hug; words are never enough. For a Tuesday, it was a ROARING busy day... But of course, it HAD to be, because I had things I WANTED to get done; I had plans in the early evening, wanted to close EARLY and head for MY Valentine's Day. But when do MY plans ever go the way I PLAN? Hahaha Never; that's right. Haha And it started FIRST thing in the morning... Haha But I made it through. ;-)

First, it was just issue, after issue, after issue here at the building per usual. Sarah even contacted me a COUPLE times while I was IN the shower, AFTER I told her I was IN the shower. Hahaha She called, I heard HER ring... So I got out to answer. She asked if I was in the office, so I said, "No. Actually, I was IN the shower and I heard you call." Haha So, we left it at just call her when I was OUT. I got back IN... She TEXTED me a FEW times while I was back in, but I was using my phone for music, and the text tone sounds out over the blue tooth speaker... LOUDLY, that my 'BOSS IS ATTEMPTING TO REACH [my] PHONE', and interrupts the music momentarily. Haha Thank God NOW, the music starts back UP again; it didn't used to. Haha ANYWAY... The PHONE was NON-STOP, PEOPLE were NON-STOP... I was getting irritated; I almost bit Chad's head off when he called me during all of this. Haha I'm gonna start calling him 'The POOR Chad', for having to work FOR me at times. Haha Funny thing is, I NEVER used to be like that AT ALL. AGE has REALLY gotten a hold on me, hasn't it Mom? I worked in HUGE Corporations... Fidelity Investments, for example... And had HUGE responsibilities. TONS were just DROPPED on my lap at a moments notice, and I JUST DID IT; without a peep. Of course, BACK THEN, I was getting PAID the BIG BUCKS to do it. Haha NOW, I'm just sprouting GRAY HAIRS!!! Haha Money... It truly MAKES a difference as to 'Performance' in a job, doesn't it? Not necessarily for ME. Look at ALL I've done here WITHOUT receiving a PENNY. Look at all I STILL do. It's no wonder Sarah doesn't want to lose me... I wouldn't want to either. Haha Anyway...

Ken and I saw each other for the first time since we broke up, too; and on Valentine's Day of all days. It was actually a nice visit, considering what brought him by. He was working up at Brandon's and texted me about Mom and Dad. I guess Dad was being moved yesterday to the same Nursing Home/Rehab that my Old Man Al did in Bedford. That's a good place, so I'm pleased about that. Do I think this means we're closer to 'the end'? Yes... But we've been anticipating this for quite some time. As MUCH as it hurts, it's what's best for DAD. I so desperately want to go see him... I'll go see Mom first; find out how Dad is doing once he's settled in a bit... Then I'll go see him; I HAVE to. But then, I guess Mom was going to the hospital, too; she wasn't admitted though. Her anxiety is out of control. Ken said last night, they gave her Paxil for it. That's an anti-depressant; good. I pray it helps her... This is NOT easy on Mom; I'm SO worried about her. I'm worried about Ken, too, but not like I am about Mom. We anticipate our parents to pass on... But when we lose our SOUL MATE; we, too, can pass from depression, loneliness... Even a broken heart. It's simply called 'giving up'. I had an Aunt die 2 weeks after my Mom because of it; my Mom's sister, my Aunt Ellen. They were SO CLOSE... My Aunt couldn't bare my Mom's passing, and 2 weeks later, she passed. Within WEEKS after that... HER son, my cousin Orville SET OUT to die. He literally left his place of residence WITHOUT any necessities... Went to a field, and was found dead. Funny thing about all that was, HE was the child that she always 'pushed aside'; she favored her other children over him. Yet HE was the one named after my Grandfather, their father. Orv always wanted her love and acceptance, SO desperately; but never fully got it. My Aunt loved him; just not LIKE her other children, and she had 5 I think. Anyway... It was just one of those situations that I'm trying to describe. It even happens with animals. I remember when it happened specifically to a ferret we had that favored Josh over all of us. Toney... We ALL loved Toney, but Josh was the one that spent the MOST time with him; we had him for YEARS. Then, when Josh spent his 60 days in Jail at 18 years old... During that time, Toney died. Little by little, I could see the differences in Toney. We had other ferrets, too; he stopped playing, eating... And then he died; of depression. I swear he thought Josh 'abandoned' him, like Poquito thinks/thought I did to him. I told Blayze and Jess (love of Josh's life) NOT to tell Josh about it because it would DESTROY him. We kept it from him for the longest time. Problem was, I've NEVER lied to my boys... Christmas, birthdays; things like THAT, yeah. But LIE to them, NO. Josh would ALWAYS ask about Toney... And it KILLED me. I'd just say, "Yup, the ferrets are good" and then change the subject. He must've caught on, because then ONE day, he came RIGHT OUT and asked me, "Mom... Is Toney alright?" You may as well have just PUNCHED me in the stomach. It was getting CLOSER to him getting out, but I did NOT want to tell him... I had to or LIE. The truth... I told him the truth because it's what I've ALWAYS done and I didn't know what else to do and we were on limited time. It destroyed him... But did I chance him coming home and seeing NO Toney and MAYBE not forgiving me for LYING? Or would he have forgiven me under the circumstances? I didn't know... ALL I knew at THAT moment was his PAIN... And MY regret. Anyway...

It was nice being able to visit with Ken and be the way we were, and not the way we were a month and a half ago. I don't want to 'hate' him; I don't even want to have bad feelings toward him. I feel past that, pretty much now. Times like these can put a bit of a 'Rush' on things. Haha I'm a pretty forgiving person anyway; a little TOO forgiving for my OWN good. But I don't want to waste time and energy on 'hate' anyway... It's not ME. I have my 'moments', and move on; and that's what I've done with this situation. I ALWAYS leave everything up to 'Karma'. It's not MY place to 'right' any 'wrongs' that have been done; unless it was ME that committed the 'wrong'. Then, I would take any action necessary. But 'Karma' is the BIGGEST BITCH for ANYONE that goes around 'wronging' others. If you get to 'witness' any of it, you're fortunate. If not, just be rest assured that it WILL happen. Even with Ken... I don't WISH him any grief or anything; but even in some things he says to me or texts me... I hear some 'Karma'. Some experiences he's having and going through; I understand. I've either been there, had it, been THROUGH it... And it's scary; especially ALONE. But I've been THERE, too; ALONE. I've also been experiencing things that were scary, then had to go through 'crap' with HIM, WHILE experiencing the scary stuff I was already going through... ALONE. When REALLY what I wanted and needed was comfort from him. I never did anything like that to anyone... Someone needed me; didn't matter WHO... I was there. EVEN Tori, when we WEREN'T getting along and she had one of those FLESH EATING abscess on her; I treated her... More than once, more than twice; more than three times. God gave me 'talent', 'abilities' and 'skills' for reasons, and I believe if I DON'T use them for the purposes I'm meant to... He'd be pretty upset at me. Haha I have ALL this knowledge along with the abilities. WHAT am I supposed to DO with all of it if I DON'T use it??? So, I help people... That's what I'm HERE for, RIGHT? Earth Angel... HARD life. Your warning has been WELL received, Mom. ;-)

Moving on... Chris took me WalMart shopping, FINALLY (Haha), and then we went to Ollie's for dinner. We had a real nice time. Then we came back here and hung out until a little after 10:00. He's supposed to go to bed around 8:30-9:00 because he gets up around 3-3:30 for work. I keep telling him NOT to change his schedule for ME. He keeps saying he just has a hard time leaving me. Haha He does though; I see it. It gets later and later all the time. We have SOME things in common; other things, not so much. Haha We both LOVE the whole 'Log cabin on the water' setting; he talks about it ALL the time. He wants one, too and talks about US having one some day, and kayaking; and HE'LL do things like split wood to stay busy and stay in shape, and I'll make the house look nice and have a little vege garden if I want. Haha Now... I LOVE the whole log cabin on the water idea... But I don't want to LIVE with him or anyone; AND... Even in the little bit that we've been spending together, I already see the DIFFERENCES that we have. Haha I'd HAVE to have my OWN 'space' IF we were ever to live together, JUST so that I could watch TV. Haha He likes to watch NEWS all the time and stuff. I watch the news for a FEW minutes, then MOVE ON to what I WANT to watch. And shopping... Haha I actually forgot a few things because he made me feel a little 'uneasy'; he was teasing me a bit in the vitamin isle. Haha He grabbed ONE bottle and put it in the cart. I'm standing there, looking... Grabbing this bottle, that bottle, another bottle. Haha He started to laugh and made a couple comments; even one about my health. He said something about "that must be why I'm NOT healthy". I stopped him RIGHT there. I told him I AM healthy; I'm JUST DISABLED... There's a DIFFERENCE. That's when I actually made the comment about how Ken and I used to actually have FUN when we went shopping. I'm sure he's not gonna like being 'compared' to Ken; WHO WOULD like being 'compared' to an EX? However... I told Chris that even though Ken and I had some pretty serious issues, he DID have his good points, such AS being a Gentleman. So, when I get in Chris's truck, he feels like an ASS, because HE doesn't do what Ken did and go to the driver's side, unlock the door, then go to the passenger side to OPEN the door for ME. Haha Yeah... I told him that Ken used to do that when he gave me the EXCUSE that he couldn't do that BECAUSE he had to unlock the door from the driver's side. Haha Hey; I AM a LADY, and I DESERVE it. I DON'T expect a man to lay his jacket across a puddle for me to walk across. Haha But to open my doors, even put my jacket on for me is a NICE touch that Ken did... ALWAYS. Ken HAS his BAD points... And IF I could just RIP them OUT of him or wave a MAGIC wand over his head, I would; to make him "A Better Man"... So that we could still be in love; just like the song says.

I don't know, Mom... We know we can't be together; and it's ALL because HE couldn't do the 'right' things BY me. But IF he loved/loves me SO much... WHY couldn't he??? THAT'S the part I ALWAYS have a hard time understanding, because MY brain doesn't function that way. Someone would rather LOSE what they claim to love and not want to live without, rather than just DO the RIGHT things??? TREAT them right??? Be JUST WITH THEM instead of always searching for something else??? What I had with Ken, I KNEW HE wasn't 'the greatest'; but I LOVED him, and WHAT we had TOGETHER felt incredible... So, WHY would I want some-ONE or some-THING ELSE??? I guess I'll never understand, because I'm not LIKE that. I'm a 'One Man Woman' and always HAVE been. People that feel they 'need' more than one partner... It's a 'sickness'. Just WHY do I end up with men like THAT??? Why can't I find someone more like ME...? Chris is a 'One Woman Man'; it's just that I don't feel we have so much in common. He's an 'old flame', and I'VE changed. I've grown SO much over these years... I've grown beyond him, I feel. One day at a time... That's ALL I can do.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom & Dad. We all really need you right now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Happy Valentine's Day!!! <3 February, like April, in our family and for me, has a 'string of memories' and 'historical events' in my life. Yours and Chris's birthdays; it even just dawned on me that yesterday was Billy's birthday... I wonder if I ever told Blayze that? If memory serves me correctly, he's 3 years older than me; so he just turned 53. Valentine's Day... ALWAYS was 'just another day' for me; until Ken, basically. For some reason, I always managed to end up 'alone' for Valentine's. Haha I'd either JUST break up with someone OR some sort of dilemma would occur. Then came Ken; in my LATE 40's. Haha Valentine's Day became 'special'; at least for that year. The next year, too, if memory serves me correctly. We had broken up, but managed to get it back together, pretty much just in time for Valentine's. From there, was the 'Roller Coaster Relationship'; the constant ups and downs with the same old 'empty promises'. So, Valentines' Day... Just another day; even though I have a couple that are 'trying' to make it otherwise.

Luke... He came by yesterday; he stops by a lot now. He even told me something yesterday that he supposedly said to Ian WHEN he met me a year and a half ago. He supposedly said that it might take time... Even 5, 6, 7 YEARS... But he WOULD "get with me". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah... NO. NOT happening. I LIKE Luke... I CARE about Luke... He's even a 'good looking' guy... But he's NOT FOR ME. There are a LOT of things ABOUT him that are UN-attractive TO me. He's NOT MY kind of guy... So, THAT kind of 'cockiness' and 'confidence'; I guess it works with SOME women... But NOT me. I'M 'untouchable', unless I WANT to be touched. Or I'm UNCONSCIOUS and unaware. Haha Yeah, THAT'S not really even funny, even though I try to make light of it; because I KNOW that's 'damage' from the abuse I endured throughout life. My mind 'shuts off' and goes elsewhere... I don't like that. It used to be that you couldn't BREATHE around me when I was asleep without me waking up. Not the case anymore... Anyway. Luke... NOT an option whether HE cares to accept it or NOT. Friends... Period.

Chris came over after work yesterday afternoon, and hung with me until about 9:00 last night. Thought he was working today, but his truck is still in the lot, and it's almost 8:00 AM. He leaves early in the morning, like around 4:00 AM... But not this morning, I guess. Last night when we were talking, he said he had to work. Hope he's OK. Anyway... I guess we're going out tonight for Valentine's; he wants to take me to dinner. I'll also FINALLY get my WalMart shopping done. Haha I'm OUT of some stuff I REALLY need. Between the snow and work around here... I've been busy and exhausted; then the weather. Put a bit of an obstacle in my way. Haha 

Ken texted me; told me Dad was doing a LITTLE better than he was. THAT was nice to hear... I guess they're gonna put him in a rehab or home; that makes sense, actually. I think it would be better for Dad at this point. I guess Mom's anxiety is really acting up... I wish there was something I could do; I feel SO helpless. :'(  I'm so glad Ken is there to help Mom, AND be there for Dad. I'm so glad he didn't do what he usually does when we break up... I'm sure he's doing 'his thing'; but at least he's THERE. That's a HELL of a LOT better than he's done in the past. Mom REALLY NEEDS him right now; especially with as BADLY as Michael is screwing up. Michael is her 'favorite'. Well... She can't exactly depend on him right now, CAN she??? She needs SOMEONE.

Wow... Fire Dept. was just here and I GOTTA GO. Sorry to end SO abruptly, Mom. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... HAPPY 83rd BIRTHDAY!!! Yes, I HAD to put HOW old you are in there. Haha It's all part of it; I tease myself, too. So, how you feeling today? Just 'Heavenly', I bet. Hahaha I know, I know... Knock it off. Hahaha Get anything special? Your own cloud, maybe? Hey, they have toilet paper called 'Angel Soft'; maybe it will get changed to 'Sybil Soft'. Hahaha OK, OK... Enough. You wouldn't want THAT anyway... I'd say that people like US get 'used' by ENOUGH asses in our lives as it is. Hahaha OK!!! I'll stop now. Hahaha SERIOUSLY... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!! :-D Needless to say, I wish you were here to celebrate WITH me; I miss you terribly... <3

As for other things... They're going along. Things are going well, pretty much. Of course, I still have things I need to straighten out; but things are definitely going better. I need to get on my license; I'm tired of being 'dependent'. It's been a month and a half since my nails have been done and Cassandra is RIGHT in the building. I thought this would work out well... But not so much. I paid her last month BEFORE she finished, but then she never got back to FINISH. When she comes today, I'm gonna talk to her about it. I'm gonna tell her basically that I CAN'T be going without my nails DONE. We're gonna have to SET an 'appointment' and KEEP it on the weekend. FINISH my nails. If she can't do that, I'm going back to Nail City. It takes her SO long to do them; I get that she probably needs practice. Go to a salon, and you're in and out within 1/2 hour to an hour, TOPS; and that's if you get a FULL SET. Just a fill, and you can be out in 1/2 hour once they start on you. Now, BECAUSE she didn't finish and it's been so long, I NEED a whole new set AND MY actual nails CUT down. MY nails are VERY long, but they're dry, separating FROM the acrylic and one nail even has some nail fungus going on underneath that I showed her a COUPLE WEEKS AGO. Yeah... I NEED some attention, ASAP. Serious talk today, and she either takes me seriously as a 'customer' and NOT just as a 'friend'... Or I go back to the salon.

I'll tell ya... I am THRILLED having Chad as my assistant. Yesterday, and even right now, he TORE APART the kitchen to do a FULL CLEANING. THAT hasn't been done since me, Ken and Jenn did it 3 YEARS ago. Other than that, the ONLY cleaning it's gotten is Jenn's 'half assed' cleanings. I LOVE having someone working for me that CARES like I DO. Since my Management, I haven't had that. Ken didn't... Jenn really didn't; she was just doing this to have a roof over her head. Blayze... Well... He cared; but HE saw the same things I see, so he gave up and 'didn't care' anymore about putting HARD work into what he did. He wasn't gonna make something SPOTLESS for someone ELSE to come in and DESTROY. I get that... I actually feel the same way now when I clean the rooms. The whole "Wylene Clean" thing has gone RIGHT out the window, as far as preparing for re-rental. Why should I KILL myself for people to just come in and destroy it; live like 'pigs'? As long as it's 'clean' and presentable... Good to go. I'm not gonna spend the HOURS on END in each room like I used to, to make them SHINE when I opened the door to show them. Forget THAT. Typical me though... I start EVERYTHING off ALL 'gung ho'; ready to change the world; until the 'reality' sets in. Hahaha Ken always hated that about me, I know... Haha That, along with some other things. Once I started something, MOST of the time, I HAD to finish it. He hated that about me, too. When it came right down to it, I used to tell him that he didn't 'like' me very much at ALL; because he used to either just put me down all the time about stuff, OR just negate ANYTHING I said. He also always 'told' me he'd do ANYTHING for me; but when it came right down TO it... That wasn't the truth either. "When A Man Loves A Woman"... LOVE that song... SO meaningful; but is it true? I, personally, wouldn't know.

I guess Ken 'loved' me the best way he knew how...? I don't know... I think back sometimes, even to the beginning. HOW did he manage to 'hide' WHO he REALLY was/is for SO LONG??? MONTHS upon MONTHS!!! I guess when you LIVE a LIFE a certain way, you become 'well practiced'. Did I see through it? Yes... Which makes me an even BIGGER fool; but there was that PART of me that always 'doubts'... That 1% of me, so to speak. That "What if?" What IF I was wrong??? Problem is... I'm NOT, usually. My FIRST instincts are usually SPOT ON; and they were. "The Devil In Blue Jeans", smiling; standing in front of me... SUCKED me RIGHT in. I was in SUCH a desperate time in my life with my family; and ISN'T that WHEN 'the Devil' lures you in??? Don't get me wrong; I will ALWAYS be GRATEFUL to Ken for the help he gave during that dreadful time... Perhaps THAT was PART of 'the lure'; I was IN NEED, and 'the Devil' PLAYS on that WHENEVER possible. Now... I'm NOT EASILY lured by ANY means by 'the Devil'; EVER. I avoid HIM and 'Evil' at all costs. However... HE will take ANY opening possible; especially with people, such as myself, BECAUSE I'm NOT someone to be 'caught' BY 'him'. I've ALREADY been through HELL... 'He' can give it 'his' BEST shot, but I WILL WIN. Just like the song Josh dedicated to me when he was just a child; the one by Eminem, "Soldier". In there, it says things like "I will not crumble, I will not stumble..." Josh told me WAY back then, that song reminded him of ME; because no matter WHAT came my way, I never fumbled. I AM a SURVIVOR; and I always will be. Don't get me wrong; it was FAR from all bad... It was actually phenomenally great, a lot of it; something I'm afraid I'll never have or experience EVER again. He was the love of my life, which says a LOT. Just one of the MANY reasons I put SO much effort into it; I wanted it SO badly... Something I NEVER had my entire life, but felt and feel I deserved. I'm, apparently like YOU, Mom, and just meant to be 'alone' for the rest of my life; serving 'my purpose'. Because I'm tired... Exhausted, really... Of lies, cheats and empty promises. What I GIVE in comparison to what I GET out of life; HUGE difference. Which, I guess leads me to...

Chris... I was definitely right about the drinking and he's trying to hide it from me. STUPID. I can SMELL IT. Haha Then yesterday, he was SUPPOSED to take me WalMart shopping, but... I went up to his room yesterday to see if we were still going, and FIRST off, he LOOKED REAL rough. Then, on top of it, I could smell it. He FINALLY admitted that he 'screwed up', but still; I've BEEN smelling it. He keeps saying he "doesn't wanna screw this up". Well... LYING to me DEFINITELY WILL. I just got OUT of a situation where I was lied to on a regular basis. I'm not starting up, even with a 'comfort zone' situation that I can't trust. What's the sense??? I don't want to hurt him... But I gotta look out for ME. We'll see what happens, I guess.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And I wish you were here for me to hug and kiss, too. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I was basically 'realizing' the date this morning; it's the day before your 83rd birthday. See how busy I've been and how time just flies by...? I wish you were here to celebrate WITH me. You know I'll honor you; I always do. <3

Chad and I have managed to get MOST of what was on our plates, OFF; but, of course, Lorie... The one that LIKES to cause the drama and chaos, AND be demanding of everyone's time... That apartment being the ONLY thing left to take care of; but no, she CANCELLED to hold us ALL up. An APPOINTMENT was made with me, Sarah AND Tyson for yesterday morning, 10:00 AM for her to retrieve her belongings that she has CLAIMED she has been "repeatedly denied" to the Sheriff's office when she filed the Restraining Order and gave dates in JANUARY when she was evicted in FEBRUARY. Hahaha Also... She apparently doesn't have ENOUGH faith in ME to realize that I KEEP EVERYTHING between she and I... ALL messages and texts. Therefore, I had SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION to PROVE that I was NOTHING but 'cooperative' and ACCOMMODATING until she texted me at 5:30 in the MORNING to ask me for UNDERWEAR. Yeah... THAT was where I drew the line, and I had EVERYTHING to prove it and PRINTED it to provide for Sarah and Tyson for THEIR court documents, in case we DO need to go back to court with her. Drama, drama, DRAMA!!! PLEASE get this PSYCHO off of MY grid, and have her take Tori WITH her. Anyway... Moving on... Then, someone, out of the blue, contacted me yesterday and said they were moving out LAST NIGHT. Haha Gee, thanks for the notice. Just kidding... I don't really care. It affects them more than me. They lose money; I don't. I just gotta prepare the room and re-rent it. Poor Chad... Hahaha He just DIDN'T know what he was in for. Hahaha He THOUGHT he was getting a NICE 'Cushy' job where he did 'a little here, and a little there' that basically paid his rent. NOPE!!!!!! SORRY... WELCOME to MY World. Hahahaha That's what I say to him all the time now, too. He says he doesn't LIKE my world. Hahaha Yeah... Well I'M not too fond of it either. Hahaha Though, I gotta say... It's a LOT BETTER NOW than it WAS. I can LIVE and I can BREATHE... FREELY. There were definitely 'issues' here that were MAKING me miserable, OTHER than just the 'bell and phone', and how the residents basically take me for granted. Jenn was a MAJOR factor in my misery... And unfortunately, so was Ken. But things are gradually getting better. Of course... I wonder if I'll EVER have 'my space' JUST to myself for ANY period of time. Hahaha 

I LOVE my family... My Boys and Sully are EVERYTHING to me; but I'm not gonna deny that I get 'tired' of 'taking care' of other people. That's the whole reason I put the 'house' idea on HOLD... Or should I say, I basically just killed it. Anytime my boys are in the same 'area' as me, I'M MOM; it's as SIMPLE as THAT. I've ALWAYS 'taken care' of EVERYTHING. I supported them, cleaned up after them, stood BY them with ANYTHING... I cleaned up their figurative 'messes'. Anytime they 'left home', they ALWAYS LEFT me with a DISASTER to clean up; NOT figurative... A LITERAL DISASTER of a mess that they left behind because they just figured THEY "didn't need that stuff anymore". Even as adults, coming into MY space, they just 'take over'. If ANYONE ever did that to THEIR space... They would NOT HAVE IT. They leave dishes for me to wash, messes for me to clean up... AND my 'SPACE' is COMPLETELY INVADED. Now... When you go to stay with someone, you DON'T 'take over' their space; you POLITELY take as LITTLE space as possible. Well... Not MY Boys in MY SPACE. Hahaha They DOMINATE... Because I'M MOM. They take me SO for granted and they don't even realize it. I was the ONE 'Constant' in their lives; even ABOVE you, My Blessed Mother. But, of course, THAT'S how it's SUPPOSED to be. It's just that I raised them 'in your light' BECAUSE I wanted them to love you the WAY I did... It was certainly successful, because their entire lives, I felt they loved you more than me. Hahaha It hurt me sometimes, sure; because I'M their Mother, and the one that did EVERYTHING for them... But all in all... I accomplished what I set out to do; and TO THIS DAY, they have the love and RESPECT for you they should. Now... If I could ONLY accomplish the same for MYSELF. Hahaha Yeah... I don't see THAT happening. Hahaha C'est Lavie. One miracle at a time. Hahaha

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'll be here tomorrow for your birthday at some point. Cassandra is supposed to come do my nails tomorrow morning; I'll probably get in here before then. You know my sleep habits. Hahaha As usual, please watch over us all, Mom. I think we need you right now. Please keep watching over Dad... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Just thought I'd drop a quick note. It's been a VERY busy day, as usual; it's Friday. But I had things actually scheduled for first thing this morning on... Got a new DVR for my camera system; it can accommodate 32 cams. SO AWESOME!!! Better pic quality, too. We're gonna have more cams installed pretty soon; I can't WAIT. I've wanted them and have been asking for quite some time. I know it's quite the expense; but I know that Sarah sees the validity of the NEED for them. Just VERY excited. It was a bit of a wait for the DVR, but I'm happy. :-D

I talked with Mom #2 yesterday, and believe it or not, Ken; Dad isn't doing well at all. He apparently doesn't even recognize you... :'(  He has all kinds of issues going on, Mom. Sickness is really taking over... :''''(  PLEASE just keep him peaceful and comfortable. I don't know what to do; Mom said if I went to see him, he wouldn't know. That, of course, would hurt... But I just feel like I want to see him, and I want him to know I love him. I KNOW that even when people are in comas, they can still hear you... I know that even when YOU were 'unconscious', WHEN you came to, you told me WHAT you remembered I did for you WHEN you weren't conscious. You KNEW I was there and that I was taking care of you. You said I "had the most gentle touch". I'd go in and wash you, rub cream on you... And you remembered; you KNEW I was there. I don't know... I'll figure it out, I guess.

I guess Ken has been having some issues, too; more seizures and stuff. But he said he's sticking with the mental health and the meds; so that's good. I hope he gets the help he's needed all this time; maybe he'll straighten out, at least a little bit.

Chris... Something else. Hahaha He keeps saying he's "like a giddy school boy"; and I have to agree. Hahaha For a 57 year old man... Hahaha He keeps talking about "Permanent" and "Future" and ALL kinds of things that are just WAY too soon for ME. So, I keep reminding him of SLOW and ONE DAY AT A TIME. Hahahaha I understand his feelings... But I need MINE to be understood too. I NEED TIME. I don't want to RUSH into ANYTHING. DATING is good for ME. I'm comfortable with the idea of a 'Comfort Zone' guy right now... Just someone to spend time with, go out with, cuddle with... Just the 'simple' things. I understand that Chris and I have 'history'; he has a LOT of 'fond memories'... I get it. But we're not who we were 19 and 20 years ago; at least I'M not. If we're gonna do anything this time... It's gonna be built 'new'. But again, ONE day at a time.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I gotta go deal with a few things. Please watch over everyone... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... First things first; I need for you to watch over Dad #2. Mom #2 called me last night, and Dad isn't doing well at ALL; he's in the hospital again. Things are happening, Mom; to his body... I think you and I both know what that means when all of that starts taking over, and becoming more 'rapid' and progressive. PLEASE watch over him; make him as comfortable and as peaceful throughout EVERYTHING as possible, Mom... PLEASE. I love him SO much, and I'm not RIGHT there... He's surrounded by... Well; you know. Mom's there and Ken's there to take care of him, so that's good. It's just all the rest... PLEASE look out for and watch over him, Mom. I have no choice but to leave this with you, considering... :'(

It's hard for me to really be 'happy' about anything else with what's going on with Dad; but things are going pretty well otherwise. Chris and I talked a LOT over these couple of days, and I must say... I'm AMAZED at all that he remembers, and in such DETAIL. Things I said, we said, places... I honestly didn't realize that I had SUCH an 'effect' on him, and especially for ALL of these years. I, apparently, was 'the one that got away'; it REALLY bothered him, and it was AFTER I left him, he actually QUIT drinking and straightened out his life. Imagine that... Got his license back and has a REAL nice truck right now. He drove past where I used to live ALL the time, just wondering what ever became of me. He told me that he realized after I 'left', and thinking of everything I said to him... He realized that his alcohol was a REAL 'Eliminator'. It eliminated his license, some friends, and it DEFINITELY eliminated ME in his life; he realized he needed to stop. We were together a year or more, but never lived together... We had a GREAT relationship... EXCEPT for his drinking, it REALLY bothered me. In all honesty... I'm not so sure he's really QUIT drinking. I SWEAR I smell 'ale' on him, which is the smell of beer. Hahaha I certainly don't want him hiding it from me BECAUSE it was a problem before, JUST to get me back; then I find out down the road, he lied. THAT would be a problem. If he can handle HAVING a FEW beers and leaving it at that; NO problem. But the problem before was, he couldn't do that. Anyway... He's a good guy; just so different than what I would consider going out with NOW. Hahaha  I've definitely changed and grown... BUT... Who knows. He's showed up after 19 years for SOME reason. People are in your life for reasons. Even Ken was in my life for a reason... Why I had to go through ALL that I did, I don't know; but he was still in my life for a reason. So, I'll just do what I've said here AND to Chris, and just tread lightly... ONE DAY at a time, and just see how things go. I told him FLAT OUT that I JUST got out of a 3 year 'disaster' just over a month ago, and I'm still 'broken'. I don't want him suffering any of the 'consequences' of the 'aftermath' from THAT relationship... AND, I'm just not comfortable JUMPING into anything anyway, even though he's 'familiar territory'. SLOW and EASY is what I need. He said he has NO problem with ANYTHING, just as long as he gets to be by my side and spend time with me. THAT works. So, we've done JUST that... He rented the room here yesterday, we've spent time together; it's been nice. HE'S gonna take me to do my WalMart shopping so that I don't just get 'dropped off' by Blayze, AND he said it will give him more time to spend with me. So, THAT works, too. Hahaha I know Blayze will appreciate it, and SO will I. So, as far as me and Chris, Mom... So far, so good. Just help me keep everything on the 'level' I want it, OK? Just 'simple' for now, especially.

Chad and I got #204 packed up yesterday; today we gotta go up and get as much more done as we can. I can not WAIT to have Lorie OFF of my radar and grid. She actually went to the Sheriff's Office yesterday to get a restraining order on Sarah. Hahahahahaha The Sheriff called me LAUGHING. She had ALL kinds of incorrect information down on the paperwork. Hahaha Drug soaked brain of hers... She just wants to do whatever she can to make OUR lives miserable. It won't accomplish anything. I have witnesses here that state that SHE'S been in the building trying to KICK IN the apartment door WITH her dogs. Yeah... THERE'S some 'RESPECT' for ya that SHE goes around PREACHING about. Hahaha She CLAIMS she wants to be 'FRIENDS' when this is all over and done with... Yeah... SEE YA!!! DON'T WANT or NEED YA in MY life, you two faced, drug dealing, crazy ass PSYCHO BITCH. Sorry, Mom, but THAT'S what she IS. You KNOW I 'calls 'em like I sees 'em'. Ask ANYONE what they think of her, and they'll TELL ya, SHE'S CRAZY. Even Jenn, who was crazy HERSELF, used to tell me ALL the time how 'crazy' Lorie was. Hahaha She is... But when you have a DRUG SOAKED BRAIN with NO common sense to BEGIN with... NOT a good combination, and rather 'explosive'. Long story short: GOOD RIDDANCE!!!

OK, Mom, I guess I'll end for now. I have another busy day, and I need to go shower. Again, PLEASE watch over Dad; comfort him. Comfort Mom, too; she's gonna need it throughout all of this. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Can YOU believe what happened yesterday??? I just nearly dropped my jaw. Haha Chris Maguire, of ALL people... Haha 19 YEARS later. My phone KEPT ringing and it was this same number; I was busy... HAVE been NON STOP for a while now. They finally left a message... I listened to the message; he said his name was Chris, and if this was the same Wylene that was friends with Gretchen, to call him back. One, that voice... It clicked with everything he SAID; it HAD to be him. Haha I called him back and asked HIM a couple of questions; sure enough, it was the SAME Chris I went out with 19 YEARS ago!!! He was SO excited, he couldn't WAIT to get back over here; he was apparently here just last week looking for a room, but spoke with some guy. They told him there wasn't any availability. He said he's SO HAPPY he called back. Hahaha When he walked in, it was SO funny, because he's looking right at me, asking FOR me. Hahaha When we went out all those years ago, I was heavy... Him seeing me THIN, never mind a size 4 HAD to be ONE of the shocks of the century for him. Haha  I said, "Yeah, hi, Chris; it's me" and laughed... I told him I knew I looked different. Haha  He couldn't get over it, but he said that I was "still gorgeous". Then we talked for about literally a minute before he asked me, "So, what do you think, can we?" I said, "What?" He said, "Get together again. I'd LOVE that! I think and talk about you ALL the time! I've never forgotten..." You know; I actually believe him; Chris WAS always a GOOD guy, TREATED me good, was always sincere, affectionate, loving... The way we broke up back then... There really weren't any 'words' spoken; I just kinda 'moved on' because of other issues. He drank a lot, was one... How ironic I moved on to Michael; a RAVING alcoholic. Haha Chris and I had a 'nice' relationship. We actually were together for a good year or more, but never lived together. Then, I just started 'feeling' things, and knew it was time to move on. He called me a lot back then, too; I remember feeling REAL bad about the whole thing... But I didn't know exactly how to deal with or confront how I was feeling at the time. But he's never forgotten me... And apparently, thank God, has 'nice' memories. Like the majority of my exes, they usually want to come back. Hahaha Even the ones that 'leave' yelling epithets at me; they usually want more 'rounds' with me. Haha WHY, I don't know, IF I'm, IN REALITY, so 'horrible'. Haha  I guess the ACTUAL reality IS, "You don't know what you've GOT, until it's GONE." Perhaps you should've treated it better WHEN you had it, because if YOU don't; SOMEONE will. Back in the day, Chris was SO good looking; wavy/curly salt and pepper hair, MUSCULAR as ALL could be... He's a laborer, so physical fitness is even still in his favor. Haha But he's definitely 'aged'. I mean, he IS 57 years old; but YOU always taught me and has PROVEN to be true, "You look how you live". I look the way I do at 50 because I've lived an honest life, despite how HARD of a life it's been. I'VE been a GOOD person; didn't do harm [much] to myself or others... I've definitely done MORE to myself than I've EVER caused anyone else. I've done more FOR others, than TO others, and there's definitely a difference. I've had my bouts with addiction, and beat it on my own. Probably just one of the reasons I'm capable of 'understanding' others so well. Even though I never got into 'hard drugs' like heroin, meth, stuff like that; I DID have a brief episode with crack, unknowingly for a while; as ODD as that sounds. When people lie to you and tell you something IS what it ISN'T... But I got myself out of that. Then later in life, when my boys were older; Josh was an adult... I had my bout with alcohol and 'self medicating'; I was SO miserable in my life, and it was 'induced' by other factors... To include Barry, who was making me the drinks and drugging me. But I eventually got myself out of THAT, too. Because I had YOU as my Mother; and YOU raised me RIGHT; with ALL the RIGHT ingredients to KNOW 'Right from Wrong'... Even when you're making the 'wrong' decision at the time. Then, you OPEN your eyes WIDE, take a DEEP breath and say, "I'm DONE. NO more." Believe it or not, THAT'S what I do; then STICK TO IT. Make a CHOICE, to take a CHANCE, to make a CHANGE. NOTHING changes unless YOU TAKE ACTION. Sitting around, complaining about your life and what's wrong IN it accomplishes WHAT??? Driving OTHERS CRAZY, THAT'S WHAT!!! GET UP off your BUTT and DO SOMETHING to change your life. You want something... GO AFTER IT!!! Be 'assertive', NOT 'aggressive'; there's a difference. 'Assertion' is POSITIVE; you don't hurt anyone or anything in the process. You take ALL the RIGHT steps to accomplish your goal. 'Aggression', you'll use ANY means necessary to accomplish your task; even at the cost of others. That means you're a 'selfish' and 'self-centered' person, and 'Greed' is one of the TOP 7 Sins... Like 'Vanity'. To be 'vain' or 'conceited' is another one of the top 7 sins. ANYWAY... Chris will be coming back tonight after he gets out of work to rent one of the rooms I have. I don't know if that's gonna be 'too close for comfort' or not. Hahaha  I know HE wants to start things up again... I guess we'll see. Nice guy and all; and again, he treated me GREAT back then... I just feel like I've 'grown' beyond him. I know you know what I mean, Mom... 

Well, things around here are going well. I feel SO differently since Jenn is gone, I really do. It's SO much 'easier' to function. I don't have to watch what I say or do; I don't have to hide or lock up my stuff... I don't have to deal with her 'looney-ness'. Rumors and lies being spread around about me, like that I'm trying to 'kill' her. Oh my Lord... Hahaha Like I said before; IF I were ever GOING to 'kill' anyone, it would've been one of my EXES; DURING the times I was going through all of the 'abuse' and unnecessary bull that they were putting me through. That 'Looney Toon' was doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to try to destroy me; just like others in my life. Why? It all boils down to LACK of SELF WORTH and ESTEEM. You raised me to 'JUST DO IT', and THAT'S what I've done my ENTIRE life; therefore, I became 'skilled' at a LOT of things. I'm also just a 'naturally skilled' person, just because of WHO I am, DNA inheritance, ETC. You 'inherit' things from your 'family tree'; abilities, talents, etc. Throughout life, you perfect them. I did a LOT of that with a LOT of different things. I can't help that I'm 'good' at things; whether it be naturally, or I learn quickly. The UGLY head of 'Jealousy' tends to show up and rear, to make MY life as miserable as possible... BECAUSE I am who and what I am, and can DO all that I do. RIDICULOUS... People I worked with did it to me; people that were SUPPOSED to be my 'friends' have done it to me; MEN in my life that supposedly LOVED me have done it to me... I'm just better off 'alone'. Haha I'll stick with my plan of 'no serious ties' for now; if something comes along that 'flips my flipper', I'll give it a shot. DATING is what it's going to be for me... NO serious 'relationship'. It's just that SOMEHOW, when I get with a guy, they always end up 'owning' me. Haha  Gotta change that somehow... And I know that IF I consider giving Chris another shot, HE'S gonna want as many waking moments with me as possible; and he'll be HERE in the building as of tonight. Even after he left here from visiting last night, he got home and called me. Haha I was off in the building without my phone, so I missed the call; but his message said that he's SO happy that he's found me again, and he CAN'T WAIT to see me again tonight. One day at a time, I guess... That's all I can say or do. I'm not making ANYONE any promises. I've been through HELL; a HUNDRED times over, just in the last 3 years... Never mind the MILLIONS of times throughout my lifetime. I'm treading VERY lightly. Hahaha I'm still trying to get the past resident that's been hitting me up on a regular basis to 'get it', that I'm not 'interested' in being anything more than friends. I've stopped answering him so much, so now I'm getting, "Did I offend you?" No... I just don't want to go OUT with you and you're NOT GETTING it. Hahaha So, 'baby steps', it is, I guess...

Snowing again today... YUCK!!! So, Chad is getting some rest right now; then we're hopping on the apartment to get that going. Chad has to go shoveling later... Fun, fun, FUN!!! I need to get Lorie OFF of my 'grid'. She's OUT of the building, but STILL thinks it's OK to text me at 5:30 in the MORNING to ask me about coming to get some UNDERWEAR from the apartment. THAT was the FINAL straw... I let her HAVE IT; and GOOD. I am NOT here at people's 'beck and call', ALL hours of the day and night, for WHATEVER their purpose. I have BUSINESS HOURS, and I made that CLEAR. I also made clear that SHE got HERSELF in the predicament she's in, and to STOP punishing others for it, to include ME. I would contact HER when her stuff was ready for her to come pick up; PERIOD. I'm NOT heartless, uncompassionate, or anything of the sort. But I'm also NOT RESPONSIBLE for the predicament she's in, and BROUGHT her Father into. Some 'Care Taker'... That NEVER would've happened with you and me, Mom. YOU came FIRST; not an animal, or ANYTHING, for that matter. YOU; JUST YOU. I even sent Blayze to go live with Marj for a good year while I moved in to take care of you. SACRIFICE??? Yeah, I'd say so. My CHILD, even though he was a teen; he was MY child. He came back with me for the 2nd year I was with you, and I even trained him to assist me with your treatments. He was a BIG help to me... Anyway... Your parents, once YOU'RE an adult... If THEY need YOU, you're THERE for them; there's NO saying 'No'. I never told you 'no', Mom... I was there for ANYTHING you needed; it didn't matter WHAT it was. If you needed your car fixed, a household issue, a health issue; it JUST didn't matter, I was there and took care of WHATEVER you needed. I just wish I could get the same treatment.

Well, I'm gonna end for now, Mom; I have a lot to take care of today... As usual. Haha  But I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Man, what a busy day yesterday. I was busting it down here all morning; then, upstairs in the afternoon with Chad cleaning room #219. That was an interesting experience... Haha He flirts with me NOW and THEN... But he apparently looked at THIS as an 'opportunity'. Haha Funny thing was, there was one comment he made that actually took me a few minutes, before I knew what he ACTUALLY meant. Hahahaha Well... I guess when a guy and girl are cleaning together, and the girl is having to lean and bend in front of him... Haha The whole 'friendship' thing goes RIGHT out the window for the GUY. Hahahaha Poor Chad... Hahaha  Good thing I won't be cleaning many rooms with him, huh? Too funny... Haha I'll probably let him handle #214 on his own, inspect it, then do final pics myself. Maybe that will be easier on him. Haha Anyway, he does a good job. I'm even getting compliments from the residents about the job he does on the bathrooms. I'm sure people are grateful to be rid of Jenn, too... But he IS doing a good job. I've actually gone around to some of the bathrooms to inspect, just randomly. They're nice and clean... Good job. So, SO far, I'm confident in wanting to hire him for the position.

Cassandra and Angel came in the other day to pay Angel's rent, and she told me that Ken told her something about it was a good thing they broke up, because Angel was seeing some whore whose name began with an 'M'. I asked her, "Was it Macey?" She said, "YES!!!" I told her that was Ken's whore; or at least one of them. What Angel said was funny, but a little inappropriate to put here. Hahaha But Angel doesn't require the service of prostitutes; he has Cassandra. But even when he's alone... He doesn't 'buy' sex. That's SOME people's bag... But NOT Angel's. I'm so glad he realized and admitted that it was all because of his withdrawal. They're doing SO well now; and Angel is ALMOST done. Just a couple more weeks... Watch over him, Mom; PLEASE. I don't like what happens to him sometimes; and I don't like that he didn't call me last time. He promised me he'd call me if it happened again, so that I can monitor him and just make sure that he's all right. I can't lose him... No one has EVER looked out for him. Well, I'M going to. Please help me do that.

So, other than my pain being out of control... Things are going GOOD. I'm doing well, Sully's doing well, the boys are relatively well. All in all, things are good. I have some things I really need to attack and work on, because I want to get something ACCOMPLISHED. In order to do that, you need to TAKE ACTION. My problem is, TIME... TIME for MYSELF. Somehow, SOME way, I HAVE to find it.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. Please watch over us all and guide us to make the right decisions, as well as protect us. You know, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... You know; it's SO NICE that I've been able to get back in here on a regular basis to spend my time with you. I was feeling so... 'Disconnected' before when I wasn't able to. Even though you KNOW I 'talk' to you when EVER I can... This is different somehow. This is like a literal 'Record' of our relationship; it's important to me. It's also something I've ALWAYS done to 'express' my feelings, is write; in some fashion... Whether it was poetry, a song WAY back in the day, OR just to sit and write the way I do here, to you. It helps me... And YOU'VE always helped me; talking to you. This is important to me. Just like when I come across things that you've written over the years, I treasure and cherish them just BECAUSE you wrote them; they're YOUR writings. My boys may feel the same way some day... And this; this is online and easily accessible. It's there and should be for a long time... Hopefully, this site will 'Forever' EXIST. I'm sure I'm not the only one that takes it so seriously...

I went shopping last night; spent LESS than $200; THOUGHT I had MORE than that in my basket... Hahaha I did REAL GOOD!!! Got ALL kinds of stuff that I needed for my 'balance' issues. My frig is SO PACKED... I really had to maneuver it. Hahaha I've got TONS of yogurt, some nice flavored creamers; even some left over from last month... Things are really just 'leveling out'; even helping my boys out. It feels REAL good. :-D

Tori has REALLY screwed up... She lost the place, like we KNEW she would, that they JUST moved into at The Abby; JUST like Josh said was gonna happen. She's literally RIGHT back to where she was when I did 'The Rescue Mission' a few years ago. She's 'Bootin and Tootin'; dealing, she acts completely demonic... When she does THAT, it involves LOUD noises and screaming, which leads to them/her getting thrown out. Josh was smart to call me, JUST about what was going on with Sully, because it was ALREADY getting back to me. But for him to GET OUT TOO, was a SMART MOVE on HIS part. Now, we have a FAVORABLE police report for US that is completely AGAINST Tori and HER 'abuse' of Sully. PERFECT and THANK YOU!!! We met with Jessica from DCYF again; I really like her. Sully was VERY verbal all on his own about things that occurred; I was SO proud of him. Of course, Ken got brought up. I let her know exactly what the deal was with that... All the 'coaching' that was done by Tori and Michele, and Josh backed me up. Despite ALL the 'nastiness' and 'threats' that were done and made TO me, ABOUT me and mine... I will NOT be a part of anything unjust; it's NOT how I live MY life. Just one slight 'indication' of anything, and there could've and would've been an investigation. NOT GONNA HAPPEN and I MADE IT CLEAR. Those people are JUST PLAIN EVIL; and thank God, she sees it. It's left at the same... Tori, IF she wants to see Sully... Which WE don't WANT her to... Has SUPERVISED ONLY visitation. She wants us to file for a Parenting Plan through the court. We'll hop on that. She just needs to be wiped out of existence somehow... Anyway...

One of my past residents has been hitting me up a lot lately... I've had a feeling he'd get to it eventually, and SURE ENOUGH... Last night, got down to asking me if I was still with Ken. No, but I don't want to go out with HIM either. Hahaha Nice guy, but DEFINITELY not my type. Hahaha Gotta give him an 'A' for persistence though!!! No matter HOW flat out I say 'No', he keeps coming at me. Hahaha I've been nice about it; was even honest about my reasons why, pretty much. I'm concentrating on myself and my family. That's true... But I just don't want to go out with HIM. If he were someone that 'flipped my flipper', I'd consider it; but he doesn't. Hahaha I knew him, even before here... He liked me THEN, too. It's just a 'No'... I want someone that REALLY has something to offer ME for a change; not someone looking at me because of all that I have to offer... Or because I can 'fix' or 'help' them. I'm SO TIRED of all of that!!! I don't want to BE that for people anymore!!! But ESPECIALLY the MAN in my life!!! Can't I just have someone in my life that DOESN'T 'need' me??? They JUST want to 'be with me'??? JUST because... They enjoy my company, I make them laugh, they think I'm 'adorable'... WHATEVER!!! Just NOT because they 'need' me. I'm EXHAUSTED and DON'T want to be NEEDED so much anymore. I just want to be 'loved and accepted'. Some 'TLC' would be nice, too; for ME!!!! Hahaha I think I deserve it. I'm not gonna just pick up with 'some guy' just because they ask; I never have, and I never will... Even when I know them ahead of time. ESPECIALLY when I know them ahead of time!!! Hahaha That's like a 'Preview' into what you'll GET! Hahaha Yeah, so I'm just a little too 'aware' of THIS guy, I guess. PLUS, he's JUST not 'my type' anyway. NO attraction. If there's no attraction, why bother? I've been down that road where I THOUGHT someone was a 'nice guy', so I TRIED to 'like' him... I wasn't attracted to him. It just didn't work out. If I don't feel that attraction at first... Don't count on it.

OK, Mom... I'm looking at the clock and it's close to time to open. So, I'm gonna close for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Wow, what a WEEK!!! Thank God it's Friday!!! Haha But, don't I say that EVERY week? Haha Yeah, I thought so... Definitely a lot on my plate this week; but at least I have GOOD HELP now!!! And it's SO NICE living like a NORMAL human being again!!! My frig and freezer AREN'T on 'lock down' anymore... Laundry detergent and fabric softener where they BELONG... Toilet paper IN the bathroom instead of my room... The list goes on. I'm just FREE again; FINALLY. It's just so AWESOME, I'm still getting used to it. Haha I'm training Chad, so there's a LOT to learn. He thought this was gonna be SO EASY; he didn't realize there was SO MUCH involved. Haha Oh... People LOVE throwing around that 'FREE RENT' phrase. FREE RENT? REALLY??? Come TRY it and THEN tell me it's FREE rent. Hahahahahahahahaha  Chad actually started to get overwhelmed with me JUST showing him the 'Job Check List'. Yeah... There's a LOT more involved than you THOUGHT; it's just not DAILY, that's all. But we're ON CALL 24/7, and everyone around here THINKS we're here to 'serve' them; but we're NOT. Everyone, to include Chad, was under the impression that Jenn just really 'didn't do much'. Hahaha Well, OK... I can kinda give them that, IN A WAY. She DID work her butt off, just not WELL; and her 'Looney-Toon' character did NOT help the situation. Leaving the cart in the hall to make it LOOK like she was working, so she could LEAVE the building... Did she HONESTLY think no one noticed??? Us moving the cart BACK to where it belonged WHILE she was out of the building WASN'T a big enough CLUE that we DID??? Haha I don't know... She did SO much to SO many people around here; ME more than anyone... I really can't be sad or upset at her absence; I just 'feel' for her situation. Regardless of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING... She's still a human being that so obviously ALL along the way has needed 'help'. She wouldn't accept anything from me that I offered, except my vitamins and occasionally something to eat. Other than that, I guess it wasn't 'acceptable' from ME unless she 'took' it on her OWN accord; basically meaning that she 'stole' it from me... Because LORD knows, she ROBBED me blind. Hahaha I had to go out and buy ALL kinds of NEW stuff, she stole so much from me. I guess, in the long run, it worked out OK. I LOVE my NEW bowls and stuff. Hahaha 

When I talked to the hospital yesterday, they told me to do whatever we needed to do to 'clean out' Jenn and her stuff; to just get her packed up and let them know. They're going to assign her a 'Guardian' since she doesn't have anyone, and they're still not sure where any of this is going. I'm SO glad they do things like that; I feel like my prayers have been answered. She's not and won't be alone... So, I'll notify Sarah of that today. Hopefully, she'll LET me and Chad do her room so that maybe... JUST maybe, I can even recover some of my stuff. I have NO interest in anything of HERS; I'd just like MINE back. Maybe NOT even ALL of it... But I saw, for instance, one of YOUR baskets in there, Mom; RIGHT behind the door, and pointed it out to Sarah. I'd like to have THAT back. Anyway, we can get done what's already on our plate, then hit that room to prepare it for Chad. Today is Friday; my busiest day of the week... I DO have a lot going on today, even ABOVE normal. I have an appointment coming around noon today; I need to go up and finish #219... Tonight AFTER work, I want Blayze to take me shopping to get some food I need. I can definitely tell when my potassium is low... I asked them when I was in the hospital last time if my 'head in the clouds' was an indication; it messes with my vision, and even my eyes LOOK messed up. They said DEFINITELY. I've noticed that when I EAT or DRINK something high in potassium, it goes away. So, I need to get, even some drinks I can use for when I'm NOT hungry. Coconut milk is VERY high in potassium; so is yogurt. I can make smoothies... Bananas, of course. I'll look at the drink mix the boys told me about; you just mix with milk. It's an instant breakfast drink, so it's a 'meal replacement'; that should help. I've gotta do this and take care of this... I don't want to end up with worse issues.

Mom and Dad have been on my mind pretty heavy; I've been wanting to call, but have been SO busy. When people are on my mind so much, there's usually a reason; or if I see certain 'signs'. I've seen certain signs, too, but they're usually tied to Ken; but of course, they are HIS parents. Then the topper of the signs... I got a text yesterday from Evision Eyecare saying that Ken's glasses were ready for pickup. Hahaha Yeah... It was time to call. When that happened, I had literally just plunked my butt down after a hell of a day (so far); it wasn't over YET, either. I called; Caroline answered, sounding JUST like Mom. Hahaha Anyway... I talked to Mom later on; Dad's not doing so well. NOT what I wanted to hear; unfortunately, what I expected though. Emotionally, Mom's not doing so hot either. She said she wanted to call me SO many times. I asked her why she didn't... Because I'm so busy. NOT too busy for HER. Dad's not eating, having severe incontinence issues... Oh, Dad... I want to get over to see him. Mom said Ken's been helping him; I'm SO glad. That's one thing I can definitely give Ken credit for; he LOVES his Dad. Like you're MY 'Hero' in life, Mom... Dad is Ken's. It's gonna be... Just absolute HELL on Ken when Dad goes; and I empathize. I just hope HE'S OK when all is said and done. As 'horrible' as Ken is and can be... He has this other side; this wonderful side... The one I fell in love with. It's the side of him that I WISH made him up as a WHOLE person, and not just part. If he could turn himself into THAT person, at least 95% of the time... We would've made it; as long as those OTHER 'bad habits' made THEIR way out of the picture. I'm a pretty patient person... I'm not even the 'typical' Aries. I could've tolerated SOME of the 'mood swings'; just not at the level HE was at, where they were SO CONSTANT and he accepts NO responsibility. Mean, vicious and just plain abusive. I also can't tolerate being lied to, cheated on and stolen from. What I NEED in my life is people I can TRUST and DEPEND on. Not people that are just going to constantly 'take' from me whatever it is that I have to offer, then not 'give' in return; but also 'TAKE' from me the credit I deserve, degrade me, condescend to me and pummel me into the ground because they feel 'challenged' in some way about themselves. I guess I've boiled it down to, from NOW ON... Someone wants a 'place' in MY life; what is it that YOU have to offer ME? Because I know what I have to bring to the table; and frankly, I'M not afraid to eat ALONE. ;-) I should've had that philosophy my ENTIRE life; it would've saved me a WHOLE lot of... Well, EVERYTHING. Hahaha But anyway... Back to Mom, Dad and Ken... I'm so glad that Ken is there to help Mom with Dad. The condition Michael is in and HAS been; he's USELESS. He's more of a HINDRANCE. I just don't know what to think about Michael... Can I or CAN'T I believe that he got BACK involved with hard drugs...? SO STUPID!!! EVERYTHING that family is GOING through, and he chooses NOW??? NO time is good... But NOW??? Damn him to HELL... First, he brings in a bunch of low life 'undesirables' to LIVE there, when what Dad WANTS is his APARTMENT to HIMSELF and HIS FAMILY; and WHY shouldn't he HAVE it that way??? The man, God help me, is dying. What would YOU want??? I love Mom... GOD KNOWS, I LOVE THAT FAMILY!!! Even Ken, God help me. Haha I still care, and always will what happens to him. But GET those LOSERS OUT OF THERE!!! BREATHE!!! I bet you'll find there's MORE air to breathe, Dad will be at least a LITTLE happier, even in his 'misery'... You'll ALL be just a little 'emotionally' better settled. I know Mary isn't really a 'problem'; but she IS another 'body' in your space. Hopefully, that apartment will come available soon. But Steve and Caroline??? Buh-BYE, NOW!!! Don't let the DOOR KNOB HIT YA, where the GOOD LORD SPLIT YA!!! HOW many MONTHS has it been now??? Yeah... Stick your FOOT up their AS-ES, and get them the HELL OUT. They DON'T pay rent, they STEAL from you... WHAT is it gonna take??? If it were ME... GONE LONG AGO.

Anyway... I can only say or do so much. But now, I gotta get ready for my day; I have a TON to do. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom. Yup, it’s another one of THOSE mornings; where I just can’t sleep… My mind just won’t stop. Hahaha  It’s just been so eventful around here lately, to say the least. Yesterday kept me hopping, literally ALL DAY. 2 evictions in the morning with the Sherriff; and, of course, one of them being Lorie… THAT got dragged out for as long as she possibly could. It was supposed to happen at 10:00 am. That’s it. 10:00 AM. PERIOD. But of course, we all know LORIE… ‘Drama Queen Galore’. It wasn’t going down easy, and neither was she. She pulled the whole ‘Man with Dementia’ act. Chad was with me, and while she was in the apartment doing whatever it was she was doing… Chad and I filled the two Sherriff’s IN on ‘The TRUTH about Lorie’ and the ‘So called Man with Dementia’. Hahaha  They laughed and got a BIG KICK out of all of it. Haha  But they appreciated the TRUTH because it helped them make the decisions they needed to make concerning the situation; and I had paperwork PLUS to back up anything I said. Lorie was given until 12:30 to provide PROOF of what SHE was saying; they would come back. If she didn’t have proof IN HAND, she would have to leave. Long story short, she had to leave. She had been blowing up my phone ALL morning, to include that time the Sherriff’s gave her to provide proof. She was actually trying to get me to say something that I DIDN’T… And I actually have PROOF in my Facebook Messenger; I didn’t answer her ON PURPOSE when she told me she wasn’t paying rent until the 3rd of February, because I KNEW that the plan was to file the Writ of Possession. She was trying to get me to say that I told her she was “all set” when she informed me; but I didn’t… Deliberately. EVERY move I made with her throughout the month was very careful and basically ‘calculated’. Even the letter she requested from me; I gave her BASICALLY what she wanted… But not exactly. It’s ALL in the wording, and I’ve noticed that Lorie doesn’t understand what she reads. I made sure that the letter I provided for her gave her what she needed on a very BASIC level; but informed that her rent was ONLY PAID UP until a CERTAIN date. Even Bob said when he saw the letter that it was “Perfect”. It’s ALL in the wording… My Life’s Motto: Watch, Listen and Learn. It’s amazing what you WILL see, hear and learn in the process; whether about others, life lessons… Just whatever. Anyway, yesterday was VERY eventful; but at least Lorie is FINALLY OUT. Drama, drama, DRAMA!!! You should see the messages she wrote me while she was mad, and the voice mails too. Hahaha  Hey… I did my JOB. Had SHE done HERS by looking out for and taking care of her FATHER by putting HIM FIRST; we wouldn’t be here today. I put my own life on hold to take care of you full time the last couple years of your life… And I wouldn’t have had it ANY other way. NO ONE could’ve taken BETTER care of you than ME; and I’d say THAT was proven time and again. Every time you went to the hospital, you GOT sick. Hahaha  Sorry, not to laugh… But aren’t THEY supposed to MAKE you better??? Hahaha  It was always ME that made and kept you well; and I was HAPPY to do it. YOU sacrificed YOUR life for ME; it was the least I could do. Lorie should have the SAME attitude about HER sweet Father; he’s SUCH a dear… It’s mainly out of my hands; but from what I was told yesterday, there may be ONE thing I can do. Help me out there, Mom.

Jenn… I talked to the hospital a little yesterday. They asked for her ID to see if maybe THEY could do some sort of research to find ANYONE. I faxed it over to them. I asked how she was; she’s still not GOOD, but she was a LITTLE better than before. The prognosis still doesn’t look good though. I pray that whatever is BEST for her… Jenn doesn’t have anything or anyone; how sad is that? She’s in the hospital, and NO ONE is THERE for her. I even thought about going… But she HATES me. What good would THAT do? I just feel that NO ONE should be alone like that… It’s so miserable when you’re even just in the hospital for a SHORT time by yourself. Believe me; I know… It’s so much nicer when you have someone there for support, or whatever. I was ALWAYS there for you, Mom; and of course, my boys. Me… I’m usually alone… And it sucks. I get dropped off at the door. Anyway… I just have mixed feelings about the whole thing; I don’t know how she’d react if I showed up there. Here, she HAD to deal with me. Hahaha  I guess I’ll just keep praying for her…

I had quite the experience the other day; it kinda bothered me. A guy was flirting with me and went to grab me. Well… I reacted, subconsciously, because I really didn’t WANT him to… And somehow, between him GOING to grab me and me backing up… We ended up on the floor; me, FLAT on my back and him RIGHT on top of me. Stuff in the hallway/pantry went flying… I’m still feeling it. Hahaha  In all honesty, I don’t even KNOW what happened between HIM going to grab me and me stepping back… And ending up on the floor; the ‘in between’ is BLANK to me. What bothers me is everything on MY end of it; I thought I was beyond all of this… And I’m RIGHT BACK to ‘sudden reactions’ coupled with ‘blackouts’. These are triggered by abuse. I worked SO LONG and HARD to rid myself of all of that… Now I’m BACK to it and I don’t even know what to think, feel… Because I don’t want to be THAT ‘Broken’ anymore; I worked SO hard… And I want to have SOMETHING in my life; I just want to be able to ‘pick and choose’ WHO. I’ve never liked it when guys were THAT ‘aggressive’ with me; but I also know how to handle myself APPROPRIATELY… NOT BLACKOUT and REACT. Help me out here, Mom… It’s back to ‘self-counseling’ again; like I have TIME. Like I EVER have time for me… I guess I’ll have to utilize all that time that my brain DOESN’T stop; like at 2:00 and 3:00 AM and I decide to come in here with my coffee. Hahaha  It’s about the ONLY time I get to myself, you know. That’s why I actually DON’T mind getting up at these times, for the most part. BECAUSE it gives me time with you in here, some time for ME… Some actual peace and quiet for a change. Like right now, here it is going on 6:00 AM and I’ve already been up for 3 hours. Hahaha  That’s INSANE!!! I should be getting UP now. Haha  Oh well, it IS what it is…

Luke’s been coming by a lot. I know he likes that Ken’s not around, but it still doesn’t change anything. Haha  He can flirt all he wants, I really don’t care. Well… As long as he keeps it to a minimum, I should say. ‘Friends’ is as far as that relationship will ever go. It’ll kill him when I DO find someone I’m actually interested in. Hahaha  But it’s not like I’m not straight up and honest with him; I always have been. WE’RE FRIENDS. Hahaha  There have been a few that have shown me ‘interest’; but nothing that I’M interested in. Help me out here, Mom, would ya?! Hahaha  A little ‘Divine Intervention’ wouldn’t hurt… Hahaha  I got my insurance card for the gym coverage. THAT would be a good way to meet guys. Hahaha  There are ALWAYS men at the gym… I’ll buy some sneakers this month and start looking into going. I’ve been looking forward to this for a LONG time. I’m also gonna start looking into my license, and then a vehicle. I’m sick of not being able to get around on my own. I got some interesting and GOOD advice from someone, so I’m gonna give that a shot.

OK, Mom, I guess I’m gonna go take a shower and get ready for the day. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom... Well, I spoke with someone at the hospital today, at great length; things don't look good for Jenn. Apparently, she's actually been 'sick' for a long time. Thinking about it, she gets sick quite often and just tries to blame it ON things, people, or ME. It's actually very sad... As annoying as she's been to me these last 3 years, this isn't how I intended for her to 'exit'. Horrible thing is, I actually saw something about it in the cards; I was praying it was ONLY an 'ending' and not death... But the 9 AND 10 of Swords came up with the Death card; my immediate thought was, "Well, THAT can't be good." However, it continued on to a 'happier' situation for ME. Great... Yeah, overall, I get what I've wanted; just not HOW. I know I'M not 'responsible'... The ironic thing is that before she even went to the hospital, someone told me that there were rumors going around (spread by JENN) that I was trying to kill her. Hahahahaha Oh my LORD, how RIDICULOUS!!!! I've NEVER hurt ANYONE in my LIFE; especially not like THAT. If I were ever gonna 'kill' ANYONE, I'm pretty sure it would've been an ex. Hahahaha But I'm NOT the 'murdering' TYPE. Anyway... Sarah and I are gonna go through her room tomorrow to see if we can find any pertinent info on her, like relatives. THAT should be fun... I'll probably find some of my stuff. Hahahaha

Josh is staying with me for a bit; he FINALLY had enough of Tori and her CRAP. She's FULL BLOWN like she was when I did the 'Rescue Mission' 3 years ago. How she treats Sully is completely UNACCEPTABLE, and it gets BACK to ME. Josh at least doesn't let her get away with it like he USED to; he stands up to her. But the cops were called the other night ON HER because of HOW she was yelling AT Sully; she found out they were called, so she took off and left Josh and Sully there. Josh told me he was SO SICK of it all, he didn't protect her like he usually does. He told the cop EVERYTHING. I said, "GOOD!!!" It's ABOUT TIME; so now there's an actual Police Report. That was the FINAL straw. He packed up his stuff, waited for her to pass out, called me and I had Blayze go grab them. NEVER AGAIN. I think and HOPE that SEVEN YEARS is LONG enough of her INSANITY and abuse. Blayze and I made it CLEAR... NO MORE.

As I go along, I've come across more things missing that just shouldn't be; like my package of razors. Hahaha I went to get one today and it was just... Hahaha Wow... Just amazes me the things I discover as I go; some things missing... Other things, I just need to get rid of. So, I'm just gathering things together in a bag in one area; other things, I'll decide what to do with later. Some stuff, I'll keep as memorabilia; other stuff, I'll dispose of, as I have some other things. It just depends...

OK, Mom... Well, Blayze brought home and COOKED us some FRESH FISH that his boss caught and gave him!!! So, that's what WE'RE having for dinner!!! Along with some yummy veges I made with a ham dinner last night. So, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3