i feel like im highly comfortable talking to you like we are texting... but I receive no reply. i know you would be proud of me but I'm not proud of me... I'm scared mama, I'm scared of what I will become. I'm scared that I will never feel your love again. I'm scared of never been able to reach what you thought of me... at times I feel numb and hide behind a mask but I deeply miss my childhood... i have episodes where I just breakdown and cry about you or my past and I feel like I should pull myself together, that I should get over your passing because no one will care that you are gone because everyone will be gone. i got a job recently, my very first job at 18... I'm happy with the money that comes in but that's all I care about. i take up more hours because I feel that if I don't I will stay in my room just eating all that I can and that I will start to overthink and lose control of my feelings. I'm starting to drive now, not a new moment goes by without me thinking what if you was here?? what could I changed when I was young... i know your death was not the reason of your death but I feel like it was, I feel like it was always my fault... your birthday is almost here, I plan to celebrate it with you but I have to ask, whats your favorite food?? i have forgotten everything and its sad to me... i don't know whether to live through you or to live for myself... my life is mines but nothing without you, I just... miss you. my mom, my sunshine...
