RIP daddy I love and miss you so much. If I only knew how hard life would be without you I would’ve cherished you more. I’m the emptiness I’ve ever been without you, I never thought that I’d miss you this much. I will remember you until the day I die, I will speak about you so that generations upon generations will know about you long after I am no longer. I will not allow your remembrance to fade. I’ll never forget the deep raspiness in your voice, the strong Nigerian accent even after 40 years of being in America. Your pride in being Nigerian only made me excited to tell people my given first name, you named me Toluwanimi meaning “I belong to God”, I’m so grateful for that name, but that hasn’t always been then case considering it is 10 letters long, and may be difficult for some to pronounce. Today, I’m proud of it, it’s what makes me unique so I will be forever grateful for the name. I will never forget the way you walked or might say waddled because of your knee problems, the way you walked almost reminded me of how a baby walks when they take their first steps. Your dedication and drive for your children… Out of this world, not a lot of kids are blessed with parents that would push them beyond their limits and encourage them to get out their box. You pushed each and every single one of your children to be involved in some type of activity growing up, you made sure we were constantly active in music and the sports. Although I have no athletic bone in my body, Thank you for pretending I did so that I’d feel more encouraged in doing my best on the soccer field, your love for soccer rang through me, I wanted to make you proud so I dedicated to showing off my soccer skills every game on Saturday’s. Thank you for getting me in Piano, I’ve always had a love for music so it prompted you to make me follow after my late brother T.J. Who was like Mozart’s on the keys… A God given gift, a one in a million talent that you didn’t come across often, a very loved kid and known to be remarkably intelligent in the academics and highly skilled in sports. May God rest his beautiful soul. My dad searched day and night looking for a piano instructor for me until we finally found one, an Asian lady was my first piano teacher, in one of our sessions she stormed out of the room and told my dad she couldn’t teach me because she didn’t have the patience for my inattentiveness, but that didn’t stop my dad from searching. We eventually found one and even though you couldn’t really afford the sessions you would sit and talk to my instructor bargaining the price so that my sessions could be cheaper, it’s funny thinking about it because you would always negotiate prices and most of the the time you were successful. Thank you for making me a germaphobe, because of you I wash my hands constantly and this is not because of COVID, that is just how you raised me, to be super aware of germs and how nasty some people can be. Because of you I will not go to a library without the reassurance there will be Clorox wipes so I could wipe down the computer station before I’d use it. Thank you for doing my school work for me, the days I’d feel too depressed to open my laptop you took the time out of your day to work on the assignments for me, I wish I was more appreciative of that. Thank you for praying for me, daddy prayed for me and the rest of my siblings every single morning, I will miss being awoken by your hand covered in anointing oil laid on my forehead and your prayer beginning with “Father God Almighty”. I will miss hearing you sing worship songs so loud that everyone in the apartment complex could hear you, I was told by one of your neighbors that she would hear my dad singing gospel songs and she’d just listen and enjoy. Because of you I have gratitude, I’m thankful and blessed for the little things even if it’s not much, I will be thankful for it and most importantly I will thank God for it. Because of you, I have a drive, I have a drive to make you proud. Because of you I now I have purpose, my purpose is to take care of your wife “my wife” is what you’d call her, my mother. Your life on earth was like a collection of songs featuring pain, joy, sadness, redemption, love, passion, laughter, hope, struggle, regret, resentment, kindness, forgiveness and devotion all balled up into a beautiful, normal life. You were not perfect, but no one is, everyone has their own personal triumphs and tribulations, that’s what makes each and every single one of us human, because of you I’ve accepted the fact that I am human and I will never be perfect, we make mistakes and fall down, we learn and we get right back up. I wish I showed more grace and forgiveness towards you, I wish I recognized the fact that you were a human being, and human beings were never meant to be put on this earth to be perfect. Our purpose on this planet is to get the full human experience, that’s it. Since you’ve perished from this world I am committed into being the good kid you said I was the morning of your transition.That’s it, that’s all I want to be for you, is to be a good kid. When I lost my brother T.J. It traumatized me, it was the most devastating moment in my life. I was still so young and didn’t truly understand why God had to take him so soon. As years went on the days were beginning to get easier, as time passed it made me forget how I felt when T.J. died. Now that I’ve lost my father the pain of grief has now renewed, this emotional pain feels unbearable, so much so that it exemplifies physically, I feel a heaviness in my chest, my heart pauses for a few seconds when you cross my mind, my body grows numb and my stomach aches. Your spirit lives through me now… You walk with me, you speak through me, you breathe through me, on days I feel like I can not survive this devastating grief your warmth flows through me and suddenly I’m at ease. Dad, I love you more than you could ever even imagine, ‘I love you’ is said too often, it’s no where enough to describe my deep connection and spiritual bond towards you. Thank you for giving me a life full of endless adventures and teachings. Most importantly thank you for giving me my mother, Thank you for giving me the privilege to experience T.j., Timi, Tosin, Praise and Zechariah…
Your physical human body is gone, but God gave you wings and there is no other place better than in God’s arms, you’re at rest for eternity. For that I am blessed and at peace knowing you are in a better place. I know you’ll be sending me blessings from heaven. Eshe O, I am forever grateful for your existence, Toluwaloju Oluwagbenga Ademodi, until we meet again, rest.
-Toluwanimi Faith Ademodi