You know what... that day, June 24th, was one of the worst days of my life. On Sunday, june 22nd, we had my babyshower, Victoria was moving and playing, almost like she knew all this was for her. Then monday, the 23rd, i got all of her things put together... her bouncer seat, pack n play, organized eveything... her room was ready to go.... she was helping me in her own way, playing like she was getting excited....

I had a 10year old ferrett trynity, and im sure if you looked at my picture albums, you know who i am talking about. Well, tuesday, i noticed that she didnt come to her cage and give me my morning kisses. I called my mom and said i think shes not going to make it, somethings wrong. My part time girl kim didnt come in till 11am that tuesday, so i went up to my apartment, to get trynity and put her in a box to bring her downstairs with me to keep an eye on her. As soon as i hit my apartment door, i heard this god awful squealing and my cat was crying, i ran over to trynity's cage and there she was, laying on top of her bed, having a seizure and foaming out of her mouth... i yelled, screamed, grabbed her out of her bed.... rushed down stairs to my office,and by the time i got to my office, her seizure had stopped. So i grabbed my cordless phone and went and sat out back on the back steps, every 5 minutes she would have another seizure and scream really loud. I sat out there and balled my eyes out.

So once my part time girl got here, i told her i had to go and take my ferrett to the vet... i jumped in my car, and had to go to 3 diff vets to find one that wasnt busy and would take us in ASAP! So i finally found one that was like 20 mins away!!!!!!! And when i got there, they took us back and told me that trynity had pancriatic cancer.... there was nothing to do, she had it for sometime now, and it was taking over her body, and it was time for me to lay her to rest instead of keeping her in pain,and letting her pass later one that night at home. So i sat there and balled my eyes outl.... i was loosing my 10 year old child... i couldnt believe it! They injected her, and gave her to me, and i rubbed her head, and gave her kisses and talked to her, until she went into eternal rest..... I left her there so i could go to my regular two week check up for the baby. I cried my entire way there... my heart was so broken... i called my mom, i called nick, and my sister becky.

Once i got to the hospital to see my dr..my sister karen called me, i had a few min. to spare so i sat out front of the drs office and talked to her for a min or two then i had to let her go. This was my FIRST drs appt by myself. I never went alone, nick would always go with me, and if he couldnt, my mom would.

I was so excited to hear Victoria's heartbeat, i knew it would put me in a better mood, and lift my spirits to hear my baby girls heartbeat with mine. What, wait, what do you mean you cant find it, your sending me where? I have to get a stat what? Im getting scared......

One of the nurses walked me down to get a stat indepth ultrasound done, i was so scared and so nervous, i sat there with that nurse, for over 30mins, freaking out until they brought me back. Tell you what, that 30 mins, felt like 10hours.

I layed down on the bed, they put the jell on my big ol belly, and im praying to god "please let her be ok, ill stop smoking for good, and go to church everyday" over and over again, thats what i repeated in my head. The nurse looked at me and just shook her head no........

I lost it. Here i am at the hospital , my first time by myself, i just lost trynity, and now they are telling me i lost my baby? are you fucking kidding me? This is a fucked up joke or something right? The nurse took me back up to my midwifes office, and put me in a room, and tried to calm me down. She handed me the phone and told me to call who i needed to call.

Of course,my first phone call was to nick, that was the worst. I had to call him and work, and tell him , we lost our first child and to get to the drs office. My second call was to my mom, she was on her way, my third call was to my sister becky.... she was like, what, what are you talking about, i cant understand you, im on my way.

I left the drs office, and went out side to smoke my life away..... i see my aunt dee running thru the parking lot, she grabbed me and i went limp ..... i needed someone there , and im so glad it was her. She just held me, and held me and held me... then bruce showed up, then my mom, then becky. Nick and i live about 30 mins from the hosptial, and once he got there, we all went up to my drs office. Thats when my lovely midwife melissa came out to talk to us, she told us i was going to be admited, and induced.

Well, after i was outside for a really long time, smoking, and smoking,and smoking and smoking, i finally looked at nick and said, ok... are you ready? His mom, grammy, dad, we were all there, my family and his....

My mom went into the room with nick and i to find out what exactly was going to happen. Apparently, either i , or victoria had some kind of an infection, my white blood cell count was wayyyyyyyyyyy high,and my platlettes were down extremely low, wich ment i coudlnt clot....

So, they induced me, i had no meds at all, no epideral or nothing. My mom stayed in the room with nick and i the entire night. I had contractions all night long, no sleep no nothing. So then, after everyone got there on wed, the 25th, we were all in the room, and i knew she was comming the contractions were less than 30seconds apart, and the pressure hurt so bad... my mom had everyone leave, and it was just me, nick, my midwife,and the nurse. Not even five minutes later i had her out... i was screaming at the top of my lungs, had a seizure in the middle of delivery and the entire situation, was awful... nick was so great. He didnt let go of me, and actaully watched his child be born. Shocked me. He always said he was staying up north, or he'd hit the ground. I was proud of him.

Melissa wrapped her up, i held her for second, gave her to nick, then the family all came in. Eveyone held her, talked to her, kissed her.... then my sister karen called in her priest, to have her christened. Nick held his daughter while we had her christened. The tears in his eyes, the look of fear on his face, was awful. Melissa had everyone leave, so nick and I could have our time alone with her, i held her and cried and cried, i kissed her, I handed her to daddy, he held her, and rubbed her head.... then they took her away to clean her up to get her pictures taken.

The hardest thing i have ever seen was watching nick give up his child. We had a beautiful viewing, very private, and a very beautiful funeral. Very peaceful and calming. Nick dedicated a song to Victoria and we played it at the funeral. Our priest actually flew in from boston to perform the ceramony. It was lovely.

Nick and i have literly gone thru hell and back. I feel like i have hit rock bottom and cant get up .... this has made nick and i stronger as a couple, but it has made me meaner, and weaker as a person. I would never wish anyone to have to go thru what we went thru. Never in my life....

Who wants to burry their child? I begged god to take me, and leave her, i knew her daddy would raise her perfectly, and i was so willing to take Victorias place. When they finally let me out of the hospital, which was a few days later... thats when all the planning had to begin. It was the hardest thing in both of our young lives we have ever had to go thru. Ive had many deaths in my family, and nothing compared to this... nothing. I am fighting major depression, and just want to sleep my days away. Nick motiviates me... i love him to death. Now we are going to start planning our wedding, that is one thing god cant take from us.

He took away our dreams, our hopes, our future with our baby. We both wanted her so dearly, so badly. We were ready to be the best damn parents ever! Well, i just had to get all of this out, and i have so much more bottled up inside of me... but all that is for me too keep.......

Keep praying for us... keep us all in your hearts and in you thoughts. My co-workers bought her a star and named her victoria anne bower, so now, she will always be here, always have her place in this universe. Years and years and years after we all are gone, she will still be shining bright up in the sky, in the heavens, watching her very own star... when that day comes, i hope that its her, daddy and i watching her star from up above.

I love you victoria, i hope you know how badly we wish you were here. I know you are in gods hands, an you will never have to fear the devil, or the pain and heartache here on earth. My love, daddy and i will see you when its our turn. You just stay with us, stay by our sides, and always kiss us goodnight. We love you and miss you more than anyone in this world can imagine. I love you my little angel. Daddy and I can actually say, we held an angel, a gift from god. You, you were the gift from god, and we held you , our precious angel...





I wish my child hadn't passed away. I wish I had her here in my arms where she belongs. I hope you aren't afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived inside me for almost 9 months and was very important to me. I need to hear you speak of her so I know she was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I hope you know that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's passing is the cause of my tears. You have allowed me talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for supporting me. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I hope you don't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I hope you let me talk about my child, she's my favorite topic of the day, and everyday. I know that you think of us and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I hope you don't expect my grief to be over. These first years are going to be traumatic for me, but I hope you can understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I hope you understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that she is gone. I hope you don't expect me to "not to think about her" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. And right now, I really hurt. I hope you understood how my life has shattered. I know it isn't plesant for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me, i need you around me. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I hope you understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. Its going to be along time before im ever okay. I hope you know that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. These are all apart of my healing process. Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I hope you can understand that I'm doing good just handling an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I hope you let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I hope you understand that grief changes people. When my child passed, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child passed and I will never be that person again. I hope very much that you can understand ~ understand my loss my grief and my severe pain. But, I do pray daily that you will never have to understand the feelings that I am feeling. The loss of a child, young or old, is a loss all the same, and I hope you are never in my shoes. I do pray daily that you will never have to understand.