I have experienced this feeling before but not to this extent - when Tony died there were no major happenings to remind me that he was not here.. Father’s Day is not like that : you are reminded everyday for about a month : at the grocery store , on TV , every restaurant will remind you , even at Walmart there is no safety net to protect you from the reality that this is the first Father’s Day that I won’t hear your voice , this is the first year that you won’t  remind me to not go over board on your presents and that I won’t see your face at the kitchen table or from the hallway in as you sit plugged up to your head phones watching baseball ..

This is the first year that I won’t be purchasing a Father’s Day card for you , or spending countless hours creating my Dad’s Box of assorted gifts - there will be no mail man delivering the goods to you this year and with that leaves a hole in my heart : filled with the never agains and never-mores...  

You are gone and the idea of never , well it sucks plain and simple..

Everyday I say Hello to your picture and on occasion I might let out a swear word blasting the universe, on how I’m insanely angry that your not here but also with a broken and heavy  heart because I’m grateful that you were not in pain long and that you died with dignity despite the circumstances of the last few weeks of your life ...

I am and will forever be grateful that I was there by your side : we laughed , we kinda cried ( Swanson Tough - but I shed more tears then I care to admit ) , we shared and we reflected , we attempted to conquer the fears of the unknown and we prepared the best we could ...

You were my father , you were my friend and you were by far my greatest cheerleader- if anyone could get it done you believed in me to be the one to do it . 

As a young lost wanderer and runaway , it would be you who would come get me and bring me home much to mom’s  displeasure , you would watch me run and root me on while rebuking any ney sayers : she has that look you would say , you will see  and sure enough as I rounded the corner I closed in on my competition and smoked them as I let her loose ... You were there when I was broken and you were there at some of my finest of moments ( there weren’t a whole lot of them ) .. 

It was you and I who spent countless hours in Hopewell Jun creating chocolate delights from that German Chocolate Recipe Book ... 

You were there when Dakota was born and you were there all the days after enjoying your role as the best dang Papa .. You have been at every graduation both mine and Dakota’s . You have always been , even if you and I butted heads & you my father were definitely a hot head - but so was I .

You helped me paint my first place  and you also welcomed me back home with open arms .. 

In the later years  we had dinner served and our lunches packed - 

When I would forget my : keys , lunch or whatever : it would be you who came to save the day ...

I remember our nights on the truck delivering bread and how you let me sleep on the cardboard home cuz my eyes were too weary but you just pushed on and got us home safely. But I also recall how we ended up lost in New Hampshire and Vermont and we truly believed we wouldn’t make it home cuz those people up in the mountains were crazy as all heck ..

You were not a builder which I would often remind you of : swing-set flipping over with us on it , my Barbie dream house collapsed on Barbie , the wood interior paneling that you used outside : carpenter ants anyone and by far the best ever was when the pool collapsed with us in it and all us kids and the pool went rolling down the hill ...

You rocked out ( perhaps not happily) with us young teenage girls to slayer , poison , megadeath , white trash and all the other rock bands we listened to : from my friends perspective you were a dad who rocked - The Cool Dad .

You shared in my joy when I met Tony and you cried with me when the Lord took him home ..

You were a great papa - hands down the BEST !!!!

Today I worked and I’m super grateful no one asked about you - it was super busy and I am grateful because I was afforded no time to think of what day it was but I can assure you I was reminded of it everyday prior to today ..

I miss you and I suspect I will continue to do so until I myself take my last breath ..

From here to there and past heavens gate , Happy Father’s Day - miss you , love you today tomorrow always .

Love ❤️ 

Laura 

Truth my selection of men always bewildered my father .... I remember the time I was inhigh school and I had asked my father if he could give my boyfriend a ride home ... So my father asked the young man where he lived to which he responded , “ A house “...... You could see my father’s eyes drop ... I didn’t hear the end of that for years ...

#thinkingofou 

I've never been the most organized person. I have some checks on my dresser, some on the floor, some hidden under the rumples of my bed. So, one day, my grandpa forced me to March down the stairs. He took his time with each step, and I rolled my eyes wondering why he wouldn't just let me grab all my bills and bring them upstairs. But, he was always a stubburn man and so he stood in the basement, collecting each of my car bills and other assortment of financial information and placed it in one envelope. I never used the envelope because I'm a Dakota and Dakota's naturally lack organization. 

The other night, I spent most of my day in H&R Block getting my taxes done. And my eyes started to tear up because it was the first time I'd ever done my taxes without my Papa. Normally he'd force me to get them done during February. Without him, I did as I always do, I waited till the last minute. It wasn't the same. Sitting in that H&R Block building, I wished he could have been there: confused by the technical talk and use of computers, but understanding the mathmatics behind what the tax people do. 

As people we try to hold on to those with whom we love ..

In this video I was going back to a time when my father would tell us kids about a tale of diariah ... He would always get a kick out the the ending  , plop plop get the mop and of course we would all squirm .

You can tell he was tired in this video , and my heart tugs as I remember he was putting up a good front  and I thought foolishly if I took him far enough down memory lane then perhaps I could take the pain and the weariness away - 

He fought a good fight and I’m so very grateful that I had this time ... I drove my father through some pretty turbulent chapters in my youthful rambunctious  years and what a blessing it was to hold his hand as we walked through the valley of darkness , grateful were we that we feared no evil because we did not walk it alone ❤️

I love you Dad and I miss you already -

‍listen my children and you shall hear

A midnight  tale of diariah , 

Open  the door

Down the hall 

Plop

Plop

Get the mop

I remember being so frightened to learn how to drive that I tried to put it off for as long as possible. Now, if you know my mother, she wasn't having any of that. There were days where she would pick me up from school, walk out of the car, and tell me to drive myself home. My hands would shake as I tried to turn the wheel in conjuncture with pressing the gas pedal. Papa on the other hand had a more subtle touch to his teaching method. 

My first lesson learning to drive with Papa was down by the parking lot at FCA. This spot had been our go to place to meet up with Demi and her mom after school. During Middle school, me and Demi would run about the parking lot, creating worlds, and playing games while Papa and Demi's mom talked. As an anxious 16/17 year old, this spot transformed into my driving course. After school, and any time my Papa deemed good enough to learn, we would come to the parking lot and drive around until I felt somewhat comfortable behind the wheel. While we practice there, Papa would have me turn the car between the light polls, drive in reverse, and practice parking. Unfortunately, my parking skills still lack any real finesse.  

As I got more comfortable in the drivers seat, my grandpa would have me start going on the back roads. We'd drive around our block, on the back roads near our house, and eventually, I'd get to go on the main road. One time, while we were practicing, this driver began to follow us. My hands tightened around the wheel as I kept looking behind us. "Koda, he's just messing with you." My Papa said, smiling. "He probably figured you were a first time driver and wanted to make your ride interesting." 

The main roads were always interesting to say the least. At the time I was learning, 40 mph seemed like the fastest thing ever. I would speed up, freak out, and slam on the breaks. Every-time, I made a mistake, my Papa would make a "Mamp" sound. We'd both laugh and then he'd "mamp" me for taking me eyes off the road to laugh with him. Other times, he'd point to someone and say "Five points if you run them over."

The biggest challenge I faced learning to drive was Mainetti drive, which was a steep hill that came at a quick right turn. Papa knew I was afriad of taking that turn, and everytime we'd go out for a drive, he'd say "take Mainetti home." Sometimes, I'd listen. Sometimes, I'd avoid it. But over time, driving with my grandpa allowed me to overcome my fear of Mainetti. 

The last few lessons I had learning to drive with my Papa was the August before I began attending Marist. I had never driven that far from my house and was super nervous. During the weeks before school, my grandpa would drive Route 9 to Marist so I would know the layout. Then as I learned Route 9, I'd begin driving to Marist with my Papa in the passenger seat. It also helped that I had a job on campus during those summer months so I always had a reason to drive to Marist. Every time I drive now, I'll think of my Papa.   

My father once said , " Laura you really need to work on your profanity, after all if you want to climb that corporate ladder you must be dignified. "

Me : Dad I don't know ‍♀️ what your
F$@king talking about.

Dad loved this movie but he especially got excited when they closed it out with this dance scene .

He loved when the Cowboy Willard Hewitt broke out and danced in the final scene 

The truth was my father was not afraid to die  : he was ready..

His heart did ache for those he knew he would be leaving behind , as a concerned papa , life partner and father would, but  I believe he was confident that we would pull together as we always have despite the distance and miles between us ..

This song touched my heart because it reflects upon the conversations that are had and the thoughts of the loved one who is battling their cancer but understands that it is spreading and time is a short commodity.

I have shared in the tears and the pain.

I know that the burden that my father carried was quite heavy ..

Thankfully heaven is not that far away 

When I visited home I recall very vividly my father running out of his room all excited about this young lady...To say my father was an American Idol fan would not be true, but he was a Maddie Poppe fan. 

He loved this song (:

His eyes lit up every time she came onto stage, in his final days I would play him her sounds and he rested quite peacefully as he would drift off to her singing.