HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILLY!!!!
Yes, here I AM, Of course, I am!!!!!!! OMG, THE big 5-0! God, if you were here, I would throw you the BEST PRTY EVER!!!!!! It would definitely tbe the "Over The Hill Theme", LOL! Of course, I naturally have your Birthday Candle lit, next to my favorite picture of you, the one on your Memorial Page. The music on your Memorial Page is playing, but makes me cry, but today, I cannot turn it off. I have cried more in the past 4 months than I have in my life, but at least these tears, mean something to me, as they are for you, instead of about me.
Today is a VERY bittersweet day for me, Missing you so desparately much on your Birthday, and I am 4 months Sober TODAY!!!! CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT??????? Yes, I am proud of my accomplishments, the progress I have made these past 4 months and my 103 AA meetings in 90 days, but don't have my pride back. I can see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel, but I am empty inside, have lost my ego and EVERYTHING I have ever believed in myself. I am working so fucking hard to be whole again, to love myself again, and to laugh again..... I know, it is going to take time. I feel I have lost so much - everything. I am very hard on myself, my Counselors, Therapist, Scooter and everybody tells me that. Scooter says I need to forgive myself, which is difficult to do. As my new saying goes, "It is what it is", but Iknow you are watching over me and keeping me safe!
Well I am off to my AA meeting to get my 4 Month Coin and "share" today, so will finish later.
Hi! I am back! They were out of 4 Month CoinsI The person who led the meeting was an old timer, and he chose people to share, rather than opening the meeting up, so I didn't share or get my coin!!!! I am kind of upset over that, as I like that meeting because it is always an open meeting, except for today. I will get my coin at my home group meeting Sunday and share then. My sharing was sayint this is a special day for me and the coin has special significance, as not nly is am I 4 months sober, but it is your Birthday, and was going to hold my coin in my fist in the air and say "This one's for you Billy, I love you". anyway, I will have to do that Sunday.
I am volunteering at the AA 38th Annual Summerfest Convention this week-end at the Hilton. So, rght after my AA meeting, I got a haircut, then went to the Hilton, for a while. I came back to my office, where I am staying 3 nights every week end, to get away from Sponsors and heated up a Cheeseburger patty I made this morning before leaving Sponsors, and put together a BIG juicy Cheeseburger, LOL.
Well, I could go on and on and on and on, but guess I better go for now.
Happy Birthday Baby, you live in my heart, I miss you so much, need you so much and love you with all my heart.
Keep an extra eys out on Scooter, she also is on an emotional roller coaster. I am so glad we have each other to talk with, laugh with and grieve with. She is the BEST!