This is one of the happiest moments of life as I sit here at the Ohio State Fair for Carla's sewing for others.  4h has been the best decision I have made for her.  She has grown so much.  I have had so many 43 things on my phone and I feel it's just you saying that you are here and proud.  She did ( 4 ) 4h projects and went to state for 3 of them.  It's so hard to believe she's getting ready to turn 16 and is driving.  This isn't how I ever imagined life but I know that you would have loved Darrell if you had met him.  We have our rough times but in the end he's great to us and is spectacular as a father to her since you are in a far better place than us.  It feels like eternity since I saw your beautiful face and heard your precious voice.  I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt everytime I look in Carlas beautiful blue eyes or hear her voice I am beyond blessed with the best thing life could have ever given me.  Forever my love.  8-2-18

      It doesn't seem possible that today is the 7th birthday since you've been gone.  

     Life still moves on, never quite the same as it was with you.  It seems impossible that in only 4 months Carla will be driving.  That doesn't even feel realistic.  She has decided to take up bowling for River Valley which she loves because you loved it.  I think it makes her feel connected to you.  She bowled last week at colony Lane's.  Your name is still on the board there.  Holly came out to watch her and that beyond made her day.  I pray someday that things will be different.  

     Carla and I ran into Randy Baldwin last night.  It was great talking to him.  He doesn't bowl anymore either and is now retired.  He still drives Cliff to and from work.  

     You are forever in our hearts.

     Today marks 7 years and I still remember every second of that day like it was today.  You were such an amazing friend, huband, father, brother, uncle, son, and grandpa for 3 weeks.  I wish Tyler would have gotten to grow up around you but I know Holly talks about you to him.  This time 7 years ago I was at a fork in the road.  The day had started out so amazing!  That 3:30 call I got, I never saw that coming.  My heart breaks because I am treated and talked about like I never loved or cared for you by some and yet others say even though I am happily married I haven't grieved or moved on and need to.  They just don't understand the deep level of love I do have for you and always will and that moving on after the death of a spouse doesn't mean you can't love someone else and still remember the awesome times we had as a family.  The love,devotion and memories didn't die because you did and I want to cherish each and every one and take them to the grave with me.  Darrell, Carla and I make memories and I cherish each of those also and will carry those to the grave with me also.  

      Can you believe Carla is getting ready to start High School.  She has grown into a beautiful young lady and you would be so very proud of her.  I know I sure am!  She goes to Washington DC in a few weeks with the 8th grade.  We finally found some pants for her tonight in Mansfield after we went to the cemetery to talk to you.  We loved you yesterday; love you still; always have, always will.

     My dearest Bill as I am sure you know our lives have taken a massive change for the better than what they had been since we lost you.  I have met someone and we are getting ready to get married.  I didn't think I would ever find anyone that would win my heart the way you did but Darrell is so great with Carla.  I think he actually tends to spoil her.  He bought her an ipod touch 4th generation for her birthday.  I can't say what else just in case she happened on her but it is alot more than I could have done.  He treats us both great.  We are expanding our family as his family isnt totally small.  They have all made us feel special.   His mom Phyllis is great with Carla.  Already he feels like you did with Olivia. We have actually had to take her home early since she was kind of ignoring Carla.  She doesn't want to be anywhere I think she feels like she doesn't fit in anywhere.  Well I just wanted to tell you I love you and think about you often and Darrell is taking good care of us and I know you would be happy for us.  Also,  keep a special watch on the kids for us.  I hate not having the contact but I know you are watching over them.  I do wish all the best for them and have since I met them 15 years ago. 

     Today has been one of the worst days since you left us,  not that there haven't been others but my heart is bleeding for dad tonight.  I think Satan hit us all at one of the hardest possible ways.  Poor dad is out working on my van and moms van is broken down and he is also supposed to be working on Buds truck and another truck.  He is so discouraged and it breaks my heart.  If I didn't have to have the van for prior committments then I wouldn't even bother.  I just miss having you here to talk to.  You were always such a great listener.  I love you for all you were and always will be to us.  You were always an inspiration to me. 

     It all started with the Good Friday service.  It was such an awesome celebration service.  You would have loved it if you had been there.  The egg hunt Saturday at church saw the record of attendance.  There were more people than seats.  When we were at Shelly and Jamies coloring eggs I remember the pictures from your last Easter.  I wasn't with you because I was in the hospital with my ulcers.  That was the only time you got to hold, see and feel your 1st born grandson.  You seemed to be just staring into Tylers little face and at times I wander what was going through your mind at that moment.  I know when you came home all you could do was talk about him.  He was truly going to be your favorite little man in the world.  I wish you were still here and celebrating everything with us.  I know we will always have your memory with us but it was better with you.  Easter Sunday I remembered our last year together and we had dads birthday celebration and when dad got his cycle I was thinking of his birthday years ago that we have pictures of.  I will always cherish every single memory I have of you and I know Holly will do the same with Tyler and if we get a chance to see him all I want to talk about is you.

    It seems hard to believe that in just less than a month we would be celebrating our 15th anniversary.  There are so many memories I have of you I cannot hold them all in sometimes.  I got a post today from Attica Raceway and they are having to delay opening season because of our nasty weather.  Yeah if you were here you would really be hating our weather this year.  It is so nasty, gross and disgusting.  Today it is cold, raining and freezing rain.  I would like to move away at times like I know you said you would at times.  Baby Tyler will be 3 in just 2 weeks.  It doesn't seem possible.  I miss them all so much.  I love you and will talk more later.  I will never stop loving you.

    Everytime I think things are getting easier something happens and I realize it will never be easy dealing with the loss of you.  I have been blessed by all of the people God has put into our lives and at the moments He has.  Tonight at church for the 2 Christmas Eve Services all I could do was remember sitting beside you 4 years ago tonight and not having a care in the world and all of us planning to get together with the kids once service was over.  I remember sitting beside you and thinking life was perfect for us.  I know things can happen at any time to change things.  I do try to make sure Carla always knows you didn't nor would you have ever chosen to leave us.  I know God has all the visions that we don't.  I love you and look forward to our reunion someday!  Until then keep 2 seats beside you for Carla and myself.  You were a great husband and an amazing father.  I feel so truly blessed to have spent the 14 years with you that I got to.  My love always babe.

     Well the family is all together for the 1st time since before you passed.  We have had so much fun but I have constantly had in the back of my mind it still isn't the same.  I miss you so much and so does Carla.  I think after the passing of someone the rest of the world gets to go on with life at times it feels like having no recognition of you and then we are left to deal with the reminders that our lives will never again be the same.  I told Shelly when her mom passed that you start a new normal because normal of before will never exist again.  I have really realized how much that is true.  Chris and Amy leave to go back to PA tomorrow and everyone will go back to their lives and Carla will go back to school and I get to try to get everything ready for the holidays alone.  I was looking through things last night and was going through some of the cards I have sent you before we were married.  I wish I had kept up with th at alot more after we were married and in the latter years,  I did to some point just not as much as usual.  I hope you truly know how much I loved you and feel so very blessed to have been your wife for 11 years and in your life for the 12 that I was and that we had Carla for 8 years while you were here.  That is the hardest thing to do without you is being a single parent.  A lot of guys I have found out just want to hurry and tie the knot but I am not going to do that without alot of careful preparation and consideration if I ever would.  I have really realized that there are few men out there that could ever compare to you.  I will never let anyone try to talk Carla into letting you be replaced.  I remember us talking about things in the past and how much you hurt and I will keep Carla from doing things like that to you. 

     You were a great and loving dad and I thank you that I got to be a part of all 3 of the kids lives Kris, Holly and Carla.  As I remember the picture of you with Tyler Wayne the day you 1st met him and it looks like you were so long in thought,  I just wander daily what was going through your mind and if at all you already knew something was about to happen.  I hope you know that if I could have taken your place I would have in an instant.  Mom has been going through sorting her pictures again and I have seen so many pictures that has brought back so many memories.  Remember the time we took Cory and Christa with us and went to Mt Gilead State Park to take Holly craw dadding or when Holly dressed up in my clothes outside our place with Bill Zinn on Eastwood Ave?  There have been so many good times and I am so thankful to have had each and everyone one.  My most precious memory is the day Carla was born.  I have always hated that you did not get to be in the room with me when she was born.  I remembe when you came in the room and told her "welcome to the world little one" and she wailed!  She must have already known it can be a cold hearted world.  Then you gave me a kiss on the forehead and asked if I wanted you to go with them to take her to the nursery,  I dont remember anything from then until I woke up in recovery with you holding my hand and the nurse Melody there by my side.  You had been by my side that night before, all night and then all day.  I could not have asked for more!  I remember you putting her on the bed beside me as I was being taken back to my roon and we were passing the nursery.  I have the picture of that kiss and the 3 of us.  It was almost completely purfect.  It would have been completely perfect to have Chris and Holly there at that moment.  Thank you for the opportunity to have Carla.  I also remember several bowling tournaments.  I most remember the one where we took Kris and the boys to Ashland and they were bouncing the van.  That was hillarious.  Thanks for the memories baby,  I will always love you and miss you.  You are never forgotten. 

I miss you so much.  We are sitting here at moms because Carla wants to see Buddy but I just want to go home and wait until she is asleep and just have a good old cry.  I feel so bad for Marvin and I just pray God will provide someone to ease all of this for him.  I know exactly how he feels and I had Carla to help me through it.  He has no kids at home.  This has been the hardest death since yours.  She was in the same room and I could just sit there and imagine you being there.  That night was one of the roughest nights of my life.  I have told Shelly that you never really get over it and start to live life normally again you just start a new normal.  I don't think you ever really get back to normal because the normal you want will never be.  I am so blessed to have had you in my life,  you were truly an amazing father and I am so glad that you gave me the opportunity to have Carla as I couldn't have made it through this without her.  She is my reason for living and going on and I want to do what God wants me to do until we meet again because I want to live with Jesus and you and other family members eternally.  LIfe seems so strange without you.  It just doesn't feel real at times.  The holidays are so much harder without you.  You are were an amazing father.  I think that this has been hard on Carla also.  I think she looked to Marilyn as a grandmother figure since she never got to meet or know your mom.  Dad is being silly saying he is going to Walmart with a mustache on his head.  He is silly which makes life lighter at times.

I love you so much.   

     Shelly's mom passed away Thursday.  I am glad that they are not going to have calling hours monday and funeral tuesday as I feel it would have been hard to deal with, with it being at Boyds.  I am so thankful you looked so at peace when you passed and it really didn't appear that you were actually deceased.  I miss you so much.  I would love to have you back!  I miss you so much my heart breaks constantly for my loss of you.  There will never be anyone that could ever take your place.  Daily I ask questions why?  Like I know everyone does.  I do know that this side of heaven I will never know the answer to the questions I have but I do know that our Maker is the Divine One and He has everything ordained from beginning to end of time.  I will always love you

     So some people have posted on facebook about their forever friends their husbands.  I SO miss my forever friend my husband, YOU!  Carla and I have really spent alot of time together this summer and the summer is almost over but I truly miss you more now than before.  Carla is going to be in the 4th grade this year.  She is growing up so fast!  Only 2 more years left of elementary school and then she will be in middle school.  We are going to Pennsylvania and this is our 1st time since we lost you.  I am looking forward to it but dreading it in a way also.  I pray Carla doesn't remember and think but I think she already does to an extent.  She has told me she doesn't know why but just doesn't want to go.  I love you.  I miss you also.  Your love still means the world to me!  Kisses from here to you.

You were the love of my life!  Shelly and I talked tonight about how long we were together and dated before getting engaged and married and she asked if I remembered my proposal.  Yes I sure do, it was Nov 29 1998- your 47 year birthday.  You asked me how much I loved you, alot I said and after that question about 5 times sitting on Kris' bed in yours and Kris' bedroom at the house on Eastwood Ave, you finally asked if I loved you enough to become Mrs Murfield.  Of course I did and wouldn't change that again if I had every opportunity to do it all over again I would in a heartbeat.  If there was some way to put you in a bubble and have kept this all from happening I wish it was an invention that I had come up with before I lost the most amazing man in my life.  I know we had our problems, but, what couple doesn't.  I wish we had at least another 50-75 years together.  I so wanted to grow old with you,  but this wasn't old enough!  I remember the last time Chris and Amy were home and we stopped in St Clairsville to eat supper and you teasing Carla about us having another baby and here having to help raise it and push us around in wheelchairs teasing with her.  I would so love to have had all of that fulfilled.  I would push you in a wheelchair anywhere you wanted to go just to have you back.  You never really let things get you down and I admired that so much in you. 

    Carla competed in her 1st 4h project judging Tuesday.  She got an A and once she walks across stage Monday night at the fashion revue she gets 1.00 plus 2.00 for her A.  I am so proud of her and I know you would be also.  She judges another Saturday.  You would be so proud of her if you were here.  I guess she told Shelly tonight after learning that Steve Tromm is off the ventilator now and talking and doing what they ask, she and I for that matter wish that had happened to you.  I would not have wanted to see you suffer just like you hated watching Betty and Mary suffer. 

    I am sure by now you are rejoicing with Tom.  I remember going to Delaware Lanes and you and I sitting and talking with them for hours.  I loved doing that and hated when you gave up bowling at Delaware Lanes because those visits came less and less.  I did get to see the kids.  They seem to be doing pretty good.  I got to see Baby Tyler yesterday at the Eagles for the funeral dinner.  He is so precious.  He keeps Holly running and I mean running.  I got a picture of Holly, Baby Tyler, Chrissy, Anita, Daniel, Jason, Carla.  I wish we had so many more pictures like that.  I feel daily like our families here on earth are dwindling away like a twinkling of an eye.  We had 2 funerals in 2 weeks.  I feel like Heaven is growing by leaps and bounds and if it wasn't for Carla after losing you I would have been ready to go that very next second.  I know you would rather have been buried in Delaware with the rest of your family and I am so sorry that we didn't have any life insurance yet since the loss of your job at Delo to do that.  I really did try to do the best.  After Toms' cemetary service we went to your mom and dads and betty's.  There are alot of things in life I would change if I could but there are just some things we don't get to change. 

     Can you believe our precious daughter who we struggled so hard to have and almost lost both of us the day she was born is going into 4th grade this year.  She only has this year and next and will be in middle school.  It just blows my mind away!  Of course though when we met Holly was attending Willis in Delaware, when I think like that I feel so old!  Sami-Kay lost some of her fair animals tonight and Carla put her arms around her to help comfort her.  She is the most loving precious thing I know.  She cannot stand to see someone hurt.  It is something I pray never gets used against her but people will take advantage of those kind of people. 

    Fair starts this week and I remember all the fun we had at the fair the last few years before you passed!  There are pictures of you and Carla and Katie in the back of Dave Birds truck playing around.  That was the most amazing thing about you, you loved everyone and loved to enjoy the time you had with everyone!  I could go on with that forever.  The May vacation to Tennessee less than a year before you passed our God is great and Carla and I always remember times of that vacation!  We want to go back but no vacation will ever be the same.  You were what made our family our family.  It is so hard trying to get used to being a single mother.  I pray I do a good enough job to mold and shape Carla into what the Lord wants her to be.  I want her to find a Godly Christian man to follow in your footsteps!  I would be immensely pleased to have her find a husband like you! 

     Not a moment goes by but what someone, something reminds me of you.   People probably think I am nuts when I go into the store I like to go to the soap aisle and take a whiff of the Irish Spring bar soap.  It reminds me of you freshly after a shower.  I love that smell so much to this day.  I even sleep with a bar under my pillow so I feel like I smell you every night.

   I love you and miss you so much.           

     We have made 2 trips to Cumberland FAlls Kentucky this month.  I always wanted to take you there but we never did get around to going.  The trip 2 weeks ago was the worst.  We stayed in a nasty hotel but this time we stayed in the Dupont Lodge at the falls and man it was so beautiful.  I so wish we had gotten to take Carla there together.  I realize each and every day that there are going to be all kind of places that I get to take Carla to that it won't be with us as a family.  We actually went this time for my Great Aunt Lit's calling hours and funeral and I realize more and more every day how much our family here on earth is dwindling away and just how my family has diminished.  My family went from me and you and Carla and Kris and Holly and baby Tyler at the end to just pretty much Carla and I.  I hate that it has to be this way.  I know it is not how you would want it but it seems to be the way life has been dealt for the time.  I still love Kris and Holly and just wish all good for them.  I would always do anything for them and my heart breaks because life is too short to not be with family.  I miss mine so much.  My family of Carla and I gets so very lonely at times.  Everytime we go somewhere I think of you.  Coming back we stopped where we tried to get a motel on our way to Tennessee with Jamie and Shelly and they were all booked full because of graduations and everything.  We ate at that exit at Bob Evans and found out we had just missed the tornadoes.  Then we drove past the Frish's we ate at on our way home.  I could just remember so much about that trip when I go past things.  I loved that trip so much.  No trip we will ever take will have the same effect.  We will enjoy any trips we take with anyone but that was the best if for no other reason now than it was with YOU!  I remember we thought so many times about not going but Praise God, He worked it out for us to go.  We will ALL have those memories for a lifetime.  Dani even said the other day that she missed you.  I know what she means because not a moment goes by that I don't miss you.  Charlotte asked me tonight on the way back at supper if I would ever remarry, my remark I do not know what God has in store for me but it would have to be someone super to start to fill the void left behind by you.  You were easy, laid back, sweet, loving, gentle, caring.  I just miss all of that in you being gone.  Today is TAmmy Welch's birthday.  I sent her a facebook birthday message and thanked her for giving you my number and the best 13 years of my life.  I have now decorated your grave in 43 richard petty.  I hope you like it.  I think it looks rather awesome if I do say so myself.  Carla and I did it together.  Can you believe she has now passed 3rd grade and is now a 4th grader.  She is a remarkable kid and has 100.00 in OSUM college tuition money.  She is a smart cookie.  Next year I pray she gets all A's and B's all year.  She almost did this year.  She ended up with 1 C that was because of test at school and nothing I could do here at home to help with it.  My love I miss you so much and hope you know every day I live is another day closer to being with you but until that time I want to spend everyday here creating memories and lasting impressions to be left behind when I do go.  During Aunt Lit's funeral they sang a song about mom and dad being reunited in heaven.  Carla kept looking at me to see if I was crying and saying mommy I love you.  Thank you for giving me this precious gift and part of you.  She is what gets me through when at times it feels if it wasn't for God and her I would have given up a long time ago.  She laid against me coming home tonight and I took a few pictures.  I just want to cherish these memories forever. 

    Cannot believe it has been 2 amazingly long years since you left us.  You were an amazing person and I still love you as much if not more than the day you left us.  You are with us in everything we do.  Carla actually slept in her bed last night the one night I really didn't want her to as all I could remember was that night 2 years ago being the last night I would feel your comforting arms around me.  I so long to feel that just 1 more time but I know I never will till we have our great reunion beyond the skies where we will never have anymore sorrows.  This earth is so filled with heartache and disappointment and I so long for being with you without any of the drama and just being able to rejoice together with our Heavenly Father and all of our family that has gone on before us.  I am sure it is amazing where you are.  Everytime I sit and see God's beauty down here all I think about is the amazing beauty you have up there.

    Carla got baptised today.  I just sat their wishing you were there to hold my hand just like we did the day when she was 6 months old and we had her dedicated.  I know you are with us in spirit but it just feels so lonely at times like these.  Everybody at church has responded that they don't know how I do it.  It is only by the grace of God that I go on daily.  I have to press homeward to be with you.  Carla is growing up so very much.  She is precious to me.  She is doing choir, already has 75.00 in scholarship money for OSU because of her good grades, doing 4 h.  This thursday proves to be quite busy.  She has 3rd grade concert at 6:30 which she has 2 parts in and then she is doing her 1st 4H fair project demonstration.  She is doing it on her collection of melty beads.  She just loves those things and enjoys doing them.  I actually enjoy doing them with her,  it is a major stress reliever for me.

    As for me just try to get by day by day.  Most days are not that bad.  I keep myself grounded in the Word of God so than when Satan is throwing all of his swords toward me I can go on.  There have been alot this week that have been terribly traumatizing but I know you now know the truth of everything.  I have always tried but if others aren't willing then there is nothing you can do.  I do hope that you are not upset with me for having you buried in Iberia but it was the option at that moment with no insurance.  Others have made alot of nasty comments about that but I did what I could do.  I know of others who in my same position had them cremated and put in coffee can in closet.  I would never have chosen that for you.  I chose with the kids to do the best with what I could do.  Our friends and family so graciously stepped up to the plate to help us with what they could and if I had been rich you would have been buried in Delaware.  Sorry it had to be the other way but I know that you are not there so I do not stress because of that because I know you are with our Maker. 

    Until our greatful reunion on this our 2 year separation anniversary I love you forever and KNOW we will be reunited in eternity.  Our daughter and I miss you every moment of everyday.
     

    Not a day goes by that I don't have memories or thoughts of you.  It is getting close to the anniversary of that dreaded day.  I am so thankful for the last day we had together.  I just recently figured it was 2 years from the day of checkout at Fairfield Inn in Mansfield to your calling hours.  I am so glad we took that weekend getaway with Carla.  I have been looking alot of my pictures on facebook and really missing you.  John Rupp at church passed away last sunday and Cheryl made the comment to me how do you go on and my comment was that God is the only way to get through something like this and our church family is a great support system.  I told her she would have good days, bad days, and just days that you cannot wait for the day to be over but she is like me and has that heavenly reunion to look forward to, NOT that it is easy because not 1 part of being a widow is easy.  I miss you so much but I will love and remember you and look forward to the day we are reunited again. 

     This week has been a blessing and a challenge.  It has been the hardest week in my life having seen Carla suffer and knowing that there was nothing that I could do for her but pray and get her to take her medicines.  She was pretty good most of the week,  just being in pain was the reason for little outbursts that she has had.  She did excellent Monday.  She didn't fight the liquid medicine to make her drowsy so that they can do the iv.  She did so good with it.  Her funniest things were asking why the wall was just hanging there.  That had us all get a good laugh.  Then Pastor Paul was teasing her asking her if she was getting sleepy,  it was hillarious.  He kept trying to get her to agree to let him say a prayer with her and she wouldn't but he finally did anyway when they got ready to take her back to the holding area.  Shelly came out also so Carla actually had her own little "party" as she called it.  I got to go back to the holding area with her.  She was so good but started getting a little bit scared back there and leaving her at that moment was almost like leaving you before they closed the casket.  It was one of those moments in time that I didn't want to come, that I knew was.  I told her even though I couldn't go from there with her God would and so would you.  I truthfully feel like you must have set there and you and God both held her in your laps while the doctor did the procedure.  She was only back in operating room for about 20 minutes and the doctor called to say it went good, almost no bleeding and they were already waking her up so we could go back to her room.  While waiting on her they brought in and handed me the prescription for her tylenol with codeine.  I looked at it briefly and put it down,  then something made me look at it again.  To my surprise I couldn't believe that the prescription number was 04343.  I had to take a picture of it because I knew people would not believe me.  I know you were there.  There is no way anyone can say that was anything but a God thing.  Shelly brought the girls over that evening and Carla enjoyed the company and did so well.  They brought her a present that was Sami-Kay's idea which is an 8X10 collage full of pictures of you and Carla.  That with the 04343, you were there if nothing else than in everyone's minds. 

     This surgery was the hardest thing to have to face.  It just made me realize that you will always be with us but your actual presence never will be again.  You won't be here to go through the teenage years with us, her dating (if I decide to ever let her), her 16th birthday party, her highschool graduation, college, college graduation, wedding, birth of babies.  I know you will be there in spirit for all of it but there is a link missing, the link of physical contact.  I just realized Monday how much you will miss out on, not that I would ever change having this precious daughter and having to raise her as a single mother now that you are gone.  You truy made me the happiest woman alive when our precious daughter was born.  That was the best day in my life, alot of that day I would like to go back and change but I know God worked everything out for the best in the end.  Because of that day, I know where you are and I get to look forward to spending eternity with you.  I can never thank you enough for being willing to sacrifically give me something that would mean all the world to me.  I love Kris and Holly also and always will but they have Blanche which is how it should be, but I also have Carla which was the start of a new era for both of us.

     I sat and thought today that I am so glad that we didn't cancel out on the Tennessee trip,  that would have been devastating after the time that we had there and the memories made that all of the rest of us will always have now.  I cannot believe that in the difference of less than a year we went from the happiest of times to the worst of times.  If anyone would have asked me if I thought anything like this was going to happen, I sure would not have believed it.  You were an amazing person and we they all got to see that side of you that I loved endlessly.  You were so ready to taking any punch and roll with it.  God protected us through so much on that vacation to ensure that we were all going to be truly blessed before he took the best. 

     I miss you daily and every second of every day.  I don't know why I can't sleep tonight.  I just guess I have so much on my mind.  Sometimes I don't know where I belong, fit in or anything.  It is so difficult when people are afraid to invite you to things because I am no longer part of a couple in the physical sense.  I am trying to deal with everything the best that I can but I truly love and miss you all the time.  I thank God all the time for the time He blessed us with (although,  I cannot lie and say I wish it was longer).  I don't know the reason for God's timing, only He does.  I pray you know how much everyone down here loved and misses you.  You were an amazing man that I thank God for every moment I had with you in my life.

     Missing you your loving wife, Mel.       

     Okay so Marion Area Healthcenter called to give me all of the information for Carla's surgery Monday and they asked me if Carla's daddy would be coming.  I pray your there just not in the way they were thinking.  Just a simple little question can tear this momma apart.  I cannot believe it has almost been 2 years that you have been gone.  It feels like an eternity but sometimes it feels as though life has all been a big dream that I was woken up from.  If it wasn't for Carla I truthfully would think that at times.  I am so thankful for your family that is there for us.  It feels weird though to go to Aunt Winnies and sit and talk and remember when you used to sit across from me there.  I will always love you so much.  You truly were a Godsend to me when I so desperately needed it.  Thank you so much for all you did to help through everything you did.  I love you all the time and miss you so much.  I now know that I am not alone with alot of my feelings and they makes me feel so much better.  Shelby and I got to talk the other night about Butch's last night and your last day here on this earth.  I love you and I miss you so much.  Forever in our hearts.

     It has been awhile since I have written on here to you.  So much has went on and changed that I can bearly believe all the changes of our lives.

    This was the 1st year since I met you that I hadn't gotten to be with Kris and Holly for Christmas and the 1st time since Baby Tyler was born that I didn't get to spend time with him at Christmas.  I know I have not been a perfect stepmother and for that I am dearly sorry and I know the kids are doing what they think they need to to get over your death.  I pray that they realize like Kris said that they do that we are always here for them.  It is just extremely hard to act like 14 years of my life or all of Carla's lives haven't existed.  I pray for them daily and wish only the best for them.  They will always hold a special place in my heart and that will never change.  I have always considered them a part of you that I fell in love with and still am. 

     Carla is having her tonsils taken out Monday.  Last night was a hard night as Carla had been to the doctors office during the day and the nurse pa kind of thought that alot of her health issues is due to the grief she is continuing to go through.  She then spiked a fever and I had to take her to the er and they wanted her to do a urine specimen which totally embarassed her and I advised her it was better than a catheter.  After drinking juice she was finally able to do that.  She was throwing such a fit in the er.  I looked at her and told her I was telling her daddy and she just kind of looked at me, but then kind of snickered a little bit while I on the other hand was almost in tears.  In tears because the things I took for granted of having you by my side at the bedside of our munchkin when something is wrong is no longer a realization but the realization is that I am there now always by myself.  I am so thankful for our church family and friends who always try to help out.  I have been thinking about you so much lately.  My main concern was if anything happened to Carla I would no longer have the reason for living.  I almost didn't want it anymore when I lost you but have pushed forward and persevered because I needed to for her but without her I don't know that I could go on another day.  Mom is going with us on Monday and Pastor Paul is planning on going and Shelly said something about coming out and bringing Sami-Kay and Dani.  I pray that you have our Heavenly Father that you are now at home with everyday put His and your protecting arm around munchkin Monday and keep her safe for me.  I really do need her here.  I so wish you were going to be there by my side so that I could feel your protection as the man you were.  Be with Carla when she wakes up in recovery.  I remember waking up and wanting mom and them telling me I couldn't see her til the dr came in and I remember seeing the dr and saying that and they still wouldn't take me back.  Please Dear Lord let Carla feel your presence and the presence of her daddy.  I could not imagine going through something like this and not having both of my parents there.  She has been through so much and I just want only the best for her health and everything.

    I contacted Shelby yesterday.  I cannot believe the similarities between my life and hers.  Nikki was 8 years old when Butch passed and it has been almost 8 years now.  We are going to get together as we think it may be the best thing for Munchkin.  I am willing to do whatever I need to to get her through the grief process, although I know it is a process that you are never really done dealing with,  it just leads onto another step.  Sometimes the steps seem to steep to try and climb but I know with God on our side he will never forsake or leave us.  Our BSF biblestudy is dealing in Acts, right now we are in Thessalonians which right now I am just praying for the kids.  I want us to all be a family for eternity. 

    Don't think that just because I am not on here constantly that I don't care because I do but sometimes it just hurts too much and there is so much going on in life.  Taking care of Carla is a fulltime job as a single parent although I have wonderful family and friends who help all they can and for that I am forever greatful.

    I am always your wife and love Mel

     Boy the difference 10 years has made in our lives.  Just think it was 10 years ago tomorrow that we were celebrating your 50th birthday by going to Northland Pharmacy to learn how to do the injections for infertility.  It was 1 month later from the day of your 50th birthday 11/29/01 ----- 12/29/01 we did the artificial insemination and by God's divine intervention got pregnant with our precious daughter Carla Celeste Murfield.  You were so caring and supportive through every bit of what we went through to expand the family and create our own blended family.  Alot of men would not have been willing to do all that you were willing to do for me and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I wish you were still here for me to tell things to you personally but this is how I get to do it now.  I miss you so much!!!!! I know that the Holidays were always a special part of the year for you and I am trying to keep that going and actually that may be a part of what gets me through this part of the year although,  I have seen so many things I would love to get you and I have remembered all of the birthday shopping at this time of year for you and Christmas presents as well.  I told mom today if we had known that you would be leaving us I would have loved to have taped you reading a book for Tyler Wayne our beautiful grandson and Carla.  There are so many things I miss with you not being here.  Just little everyday things.  Just having someone to come home to to share my day with.  There is nothing in this world I would rather have more than to have another day with you!!!! I would love to walk through the door and find out it was all a mistake or a bad dream but I know it isn't the case as much as I wish it was.  The only good in this in any way is that you didn't suffer.  I don't think any of us could have standed to see you suffer.....You were in such a great mood that day and just ornry and funny and silly.  I will never forget that about you that day.  You were my knight in shining armor at a point in my life that I really needed you and what we shared means so much to me....I am constantly thankful for what we did have.... I remember the last couple of years though,  you seemed to be so full of life and energetic to do so much.  Our vacation to Tennessee and our trips to Cedar Point.  Man did we have alot of fun with family and friends.  I know that those times we spent with everyone were enjoyable.  I remember everytime I go somewhere or do something,  doing it with you.  At times I can relive almost every word said or anything done.  You will always be My Hero......This is not the way I intended on spending your 60th birthday or even how I had wanted to remember you on this special day but the weather doesn't seem to want to cooperate.  I actually wanted to launch off balloons tomorrow but I don't think that they will with the weather..... Just know that even though you are not here we still are thinking of you every minute of this your 60th birthday..... I love you Bill !!!!!!!!!!

     Carlas parent teacher conference was AWESOME!!!! She is doing so good.  I know you are so proud of her as am I.  I was kind of taken back at her conference just remembering all of the conferences that we were at together.  She is such a fun loving child.  I miss you everyday and wish you were here with us.  Love ya babe.

     I am one proud mama.  Carla tried out for the Chorale at Taft and made it.  I am so proud of her and know that you are also.  She is such a good kid.  We have our moments but she is so great.  I love her with every ounce of my being.  I never imagined not having you here to share all of this with us.  I cannot believe you have been gone for 17 months.  I am just so greatful for the fabulous day we had that day and that made it easier to accept your passing not that it is any easier not having you here to share all of our life moments with.  This is also Carlas 1st year having the ABC grading system.  Well her 1st 9 week midterm report is A+ spelling, B Math and C for Reading which she is working on bringing up so I am imagining her 1st 9 week grade card is going to be quite good.  She has the ability to be very successful in all she does as long as she applies herself. 

     We went to Hardings Homecoming game Friday night to watch Lindsay cheer and I had a bittersweet moment that once she is in highschool she isn't going to have you there for her concerts or any of her extra curricular activities.  I try to apply enough congratulations with everything that she does for both of us.  Just little things that I miss so much not having you there,  just a periodical break to run out to the store in the evening or just take off for awhile and not having to worry about a sitter or anything.  It is difficult being a single parent.  I have to commend Holly on how well she does with Tyler with all of that.  She is a very good mommy to him.  He is just getting over being sick again,  poor little guy doesn't seem to catch a break.

Missing you, Heavenly Rest

My Beloved.

Tell everyone with you hi from us.  My life is not the same without you here.

     Well our baby girl is now 9 years old.  I can hardly believe it.  She is so loving not that her and I don't have issues at times but she is just the greatest girl in the world.  Her birthday was so special,  she did it in bff's and almost everyone at her party were her church friends and a few family.  Jim came and man he was in pain,  I felt so bad for him.  I am so thankful that Carla has so many church friends to draw strength from and that will be in youth with her and help her through some of her rough times.  Our church family has been so great to us in all of this.  I don't know what we would have done without all of the people that have played major roles in helping us through all of this.  We have started a MOMS connection at church which is a bible study for mothers 5th grade and under and I really enjoyed the group Wednesday which was the 1st day we had it.  I am glad for the group that I got.  I have started singing back in choir,  I really felt I needed it for some consulation in my life. 

     I also started BSF last week.  I had to miss this week as I had to take Carla to Urgent Care because she had allergy buildup in her eyes but I didn't know that was what it was.  She said her eyes were burning and felt like they were bleeding and with moms eye problems I wasn't about to chance it and we couldn't get her in to Uncle Jonathan until next week.  He is quite the community pediatrician.  She is doing better now and is sleeping peacefully.  I know that we both miss having you to sleep with at night.  I think that might be one reason we both hate getting up in the mornings is we don't rest peacefully without you.  I know it is something that we will have to someday get used to but I guess we both just haven't yet.  I also miss the way she always woke up so happy to see you in the mornings and I know she does also.  I have tried so many things but they just aren't the same.

    I have so many questions I would love to have answered but know that I will never get them answered.  The way you looked at our 1st grandson Tyler Wayne Wheeler in the pictures,  did you know it was going to be the only time in your lifetime you would ever hold that little man and get to dote over him?  I know you wanted to take Carla and myself with you but wasn't able to because of me being in the hospital with the ulcers and Carla couldn't because he was so little,  did you know you would never get that moment in this lifetime to see your entire family together like that?  What was on your mind when you had your heart attack and passed away?  Did you know when you left me that "final" kiss that it was just that,  our FINAL KISS?  Did you know when Carla left for school that day that you would never get to congratulate her on a job well done or kiss her precious little lips ever again?  Did you know how much I loved you and just wanted to have so many more years together?  Did you know how much Carla loved being a Daddy's Girl and would be devastated if she was to ever lose you?  Did you have any idea of the mark you had made on this world you were leaving behind?  If you didn't let me tell you,  you left marks everywhere you look.

     Holly is a great mom.  She is so good with Tyler and you can tell by the pictures that she takes of him that she is always focusing every minute of her life on him.  Her and Tim are no longer together but she still is doing great with him.  I think she is as good of a mom as you were a dad.  Of course, she had the best in you to learn from.  I never doubted for 1 minute the kind of father you were.  I remember our 1st date here in Marion at the Palace seeing Home Alone 2 and you talking that whole evening about Kris and Holly.  After that evening I already felt that I knew them through you without ever having met them.  I know alot of men that could take a few lessons from you on how to treat their children and be there for them.

    Kris we don't hear from very much but you always said he was just like you at that age and your buds were your life.  He still works at Walmart.  He still bowls as far as I know.

   Jim and I took  Carla to the last day of Delaware Fair this year and we had a BLAST!!!  We went to the demo, watched the McGuffie Lane Concert and the Fireworks and Carla got to ride a few rides.  We sat with Uncle David for a little bit but he pulled out early on us.  The Demo was the best I had seen in quite awhile and the fireworks and laser light show were out of this world.

    I love you and hate that you are not here to share in every part of our lives in presence instead of memory.  Your memory does grow fonder everyday.  I guess I just always want to have you close to me.  Losing a spouse is definitely one of the hardest things in life because we were NOT ready for it.  I would give almost anything to have you back,  I could never wish you back to have to suffer or anything like that but I really do miss you and think about you every day and look forward to our heavenly reunion, but until that day I will labor here and keep you alive for all of us and just keep keeping on til I am finally home with you forever!!!I love the thought of that.

Heavenly Peace

MY LOVE

Man am I ever missing you so much lately.  Life being single totally stinks.  Not to mention how some people treat others.  I really hate things right now and am to a point that I feel like I need to try and move on as if there were no one else in our lives other than us and you.  I know now why you was so concerned about having another child and the fact that you thought you would not live to be very old because neither of your parents were.  I see Carla being neglected by people who are supposed to care for her and feel you must have felt yourself that that was what would happen if you weren't here to make them care for her and treat her with the most respect she deserves.  You know I am an adult and it tears me apart.  Especially when people don't want their children to be treated like crap but guess what they can sure dish it out.  Maybe someday they will realize what they have lost out on life because they couldn't treat people the way they should have.  I would not blame Carla to not want anything to do with some people.  It breaks my heart that the people we loved most are the ones that have treated us the worst since your passing.  I am glad you don't have to face all of this crap anymore.  I hate it so much sometimes but then I get to a point where I feel like God will get vengeance on them.  You are so much better off where you are and not having to suffer like you did that last day on this earth.  I have prayed so hard that that wasn't on your mind when you left this world as I know how heartbroken you were about certain things that had transpired that day with people but I thank God continuously that you and I had a total peace and it was one of the best days of our lives.  I would have hated to have had anything left unresolved that day to never be able to get another chance to change with you.  I am trying my best to be the best mom and dad for Carla that I can.  You were a truly amazing man and an amazing father.  I love when I look at the pictures of you teaching Carla to ride her bike or of all the hospital visits with your sisters.  I would have never traded any single minute for what we had.  I love you today, tomorrow and always.  Our daughter is such a blessing and God send.  Thank you for letting me have the opportunity to have her.  I could not have done this alone.  You will always be my love.

Heavenly Rest

From the seat of a car to heavenly rest,
God took you home to be his guest.

We lived and hoped and prayed in vain,
that life would soon would be better again.

But God decided that we must part,
He eased your sorrow and broke our hearts.

But when we are sad and lonely,
and everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on".

Each time we look at your picture,
You seem to smile and say-
"Don't cry I'm only sleeping,
till we meet again someday".

Wishing God could have spared you for a few more years.
In Loving Memory of My Beloved Soulmate Bill

     Today is a new day and I feel so hopeful for the future.  I feel like everyone knows how I feel and the ball is in all of their courts.  Today is a beautiful day outside.  You would love to be here today,  no rain, sun shining, not too hot.   Today would be an awesome day to do anything outside.  This is one of the days you would have loved. 

    I always sit and wonder what you would do if the tables had been turned and it was me that had passed away instead of you.  I would have wished for you to go on with life and be happy.  I am happy most of the time,  always missing you and wishing you were here but thankful you don't have to experience any of the heartaches anymore that some people had caused you.  I know you had wanted things so much different with alot of people and my heart aches that some still don't realize how you were hurt by them.  I know it is because of how they were taught in life differently than what we believed but you at least are done with all of that now.  I know even though you were hurt that you do know that they did love you they just weren't exactly sure how to show it. 

    I cannot believe it has been almost 16 months now since I last held your hand, had your arm around me and gave you that last farewell kiss.  You were such a loving, kind, generous and growing Christian man and I am so thankful for all of that.  I could not have went on without having the assurance that I did that you were finally home with your loving Heavenly Father and your parents, sisters, cousins, grandparents.  I bet that was a reunion beyond reunions!!!  I can't wait until we get our heavenly reunion.  I will always pray that all of us will be reunited with you and I pray daily for the kids.  I know Carla has accepted Christ as her savior and I pray for the other 2 as well. 

    You were an awesome companion and 11 years didn't seem like long enough.  I would rather have lived a lifetime with you then 1 single solitary day without you.  You are always close and dear to my heart.  So many days I wish God had left you here but I know that I would not have wanted you to suffer at all so I guess this is the best way God saw to take care of that for you.  I love you so!!

    Jim and I are going to take Carla to Delawares fair 1 day this year.  I know you would have loved that.  I remember the years that we tried to take her there on her birthday.  I try to always keep those memories fresh for her so that she will never forget 1 minute how much you love her and were here for her and wanted to do so much for her.  I am so thankful that I always am able to tell her that you NEVER would have chose to leave us but that you left our lives by NO choice of your own.  You were an amazing man that I am so glad to have had had a part in our lives. 

     I wish the death of a loved one came with a manual with all of the dos and don'ts for the rest of your life.  I feel at times like I do things to get people upset with me and I don't even know what, where, when, why, or how I do them.  I just wish that you were still with us and we didn't have to face any of this.  I would rather live a lifetime with you than a single day without you.  When I see couples together I think of you and the good times that we had.  I miss them so very much!!!!  You were the best thing that ever came into my life and at time life seems so barren and dry without you.  You always had your sense of humor even the day you passed away.  I am just thankful that God didnt let you suffer at all.  That is the only good that came from it.  I wish you were right here with your arms around me and everything would be okay again.  I know I have to go on for Carlas sake but I so much long to be with you. Maybe I just need to not even think of spending time with anyone else so that way I please everyone but if people only walked a mile in my shoes then they would understand what it is like to lose the person you plan on coming home that night from work and crawl in bed beside you and to never get that chance again.  You left with no warning and it has been hard because it is not as if we would have ever expected that from the good day we had and how you had said you felt so good that day.  I sure didn't expect the call I got,  I just expected it to be like every other day and you to come home to us that night like usual.  I think we all spent that night in complete and udder shock and horror.

    I pray that everyday I make you happy with my decisions and that you know how much I still love and miss you and wish you were here to be with us.  I cannot believe Carla is going to be in 3rd grade in 3 weeks.  She is a very bright young lady and if I do say so myself a very mature and respectful young lady.  I would have had a dozen of her if we could have but with just her I get to love and dote and spoil her.  I know you would have done the same.  She is just like both of us.  She cares so much for everyone around her.  She cannot stand to see someone hurt or anything.  Yeah and she fractured her wrist at the start of summer and has been in a cast all summer.  She has still gotten to do almost everything though.  I have to take her back to the doctor on the  16th to get the cast off hopefully.  I cannot believe both times she has fractured a bone it has been at the park.  I did take her back the other day though but made her be extremely careful.  I got mine and Carlas haircut tonight and we donated to locks of love and I had told the lady I was ready for a change since you had passe away and she asked me if I found myself questioning every decision made what would he think,  I was like YES most definitely.  It made me feel good to know I wasn't the only one.

    I love you and long for the day I get to spend eternity with you.

     I love you and sooooooooo wish you were here.  It has been a really rough bit of time.  We stayed at Jamie and Shellys and house sat and spent extra time, kind of a reminder of the good times we shared in Tennessee.  A taste of what life is getting to be like without you not that I enjoy life without you but just getting on with life.  I am so thankful for the last 2 years we had before you passed, they were the best.  I am thankful for every moment those we just did so much more.  We enjoyed spending the time with Jamie and Shelly,  it is so great to have awesome Christian friends there on your side.  We are staying at mom and dads for right now because of a rental issue beyond my fixing.  The landlord has to fix the water leak and the water company shut off the water which is hard not being able to go home.  It brings back so many memories of the last time it happened, then I had you.  I hate feeling like I have to depend on others to put us up but I cannot do anymore than I have already done.  I hope they get it fixed shortly. 

     I miss you and love you and think about you all the time.  Your car is almost totally cleaned out and then will be put up for sale.  It is the hardest thing to do.  Please always know how much you meant to all of us and we all wish we still had you here.  I think today is just a day where I miss you soooooo much more.  Love ya.  Forever in my heart.

     Well so much is happening right now. Carla is growing up so fast.  It makes me sad at times that we both looked forward to seeing her grow up and you miss the personal part.  I hate that you have to watch from afar but I know that you have the best seats in the house.  Carla pulled out her 2nd tooth last night.  Tooth fairy visit number 4.  She is now considered a 3rd grader.  She swims like there is no tomorrow.  Today she was doing front flips over the side of Shelly and Jamies pool.  I miss sharing all of those aspects of life with you as I know she does also.  She stayed the night Sunday with Jamie and Shelly and told Jamie monday that he is the best dad alive only because you were in Heaven and not alive anymore.  She talks often about you. 

    Chris and Amy are going to be coming home in just a few weeks.  We are all so excited.  Next year will be there year home the 1st since your passing.  This is going to be the kids and Amy's 1st time home since you passed away.  Chris was here for a very short visit last year.  We are all going to Cedar Point one day.  Carla wants to ride so many rides it isn't funny.  I know she would love to have you here to ride with as would I.  I always enjoyed riding the ferris wheel with you.  We just have to cherish the times that we had with you and always keep that fresh with us.

Love ya always and forever babe.

     I am missing you so very much this morning.  I cannot sleep and just wish you were here.  I cannot believe I put myself out there to just get hurt again by someone I loved very much but I am tired of being judged and told everything I do when it comes to Carla is all wrong and I am screwing up her life.  I am trying so very hard to play both roles of mom and dad since you left and I guess to some people I am just not doing good enough but Bill I would never do anything to intentionally hurt or sabotage our precious daughter, she is what I live for.  She is a part of me and I love that precious little girl with my whole heart and I am striving to help her and myself grow in all of this but I have had to cease another relationship because I cannot take all of this drama anymore and I don't want my mom being judged by people for innocent things said.  I just wish people could just deal with the stuff in their own closets and learn to leave others alone.  I have a feeling it is going to be a rough weekend since we won't be going to Charlottes like always before or going to the cemetary with Charlotte like every other year.  You were always my best friend and I am so thankful I feel like I can write these and talk to you and feel like you know and care.

     Our grandbaby has to have tubes put in both ears next week, poor little Tyler.  I know everything will be okay though.  He has only had 7 ear infections poor thing.  He is so funny.  Holly has put videos on facebook of her and him playing peek a boo.  It was hillarious. 

Love ya

    Thanks Shelly,

    This year has been a bit difficult but not because of Bills passing but the burden I feel for those around me and how I want to try and take everyone to heaven with me.  I don't want anyone to miss Bill's reunion.  I have seen God's amazing love displayed at almost every turn this year. Just the awesomeness that I got to purchase to others might seem worthless keychain with the footprints saying and when God closes a door He opens a window saying.  How more loving can our Heavenly Father be.  I have kept that in my mind through all the trials and disappointments of the year. 

    It was always fun seeing  and hearing Bill and Jamie carrying on about the Grenada.  It was their own little tease fest.  It is a shame it didn't work out but our Lord knows why and has it all under control.  I know how Jamie and Dave and everyone involved wanted to do it for Bill and in tribute to him.  I don't know what plans God has in store for the car but He and only He does.  I leave that all in His hands.

    I am so thankful that God has blessed me with such good friends.  The trip to Tennessee and mine and Bills 2nd time to Cedar Point together will always be remembered and cherished.  Between us there are alot of special memories that we will always hold dear.  I have decided it is hard for Carla and I to go to some places because of it being just us 2 girls and that scares me a bit.  But the traveling we have done with you guys has given us alot to look forward to when we do get the opportunity to do some traveling.  I thought it would take me forever to decide I was willing to travel just the 2 of us but I know God has under His control.

    I think Bill rejoiced in heaven the day you guys got to meet with the girls and get to see your grandbaby who was only 1 month older than ours.  The relationship that you have with the girls makes me so ecstatic.  I know it isn't always easy but I consider it a blessing that God has worked so much in that for you this year.  I know I was afraid Holly would want nothing to do with us be she is so much more than I ever gave her imagined.  She has Carla and myself's back and interest and concern.  I  think she has kind of taken up where Bill left off.  I so appreciate her more than words can ever express for the love she has bestowed on Carla  and I.  She is great when it comes to Tyler Wayne which is how I see Nikki and that is a comfort.

    I did have a breakdown tonight at moms as Carla ate supper at Crystal and Mikes.  I cannot believe it will be 13 months Sunday that Bill and I shared that awesome and spetacular day together.  Which at times has made each and every other day a little dificult.  God has helped us through and I know He will continue, it is just the longing of the relatonship lost.  Which I am sure is what you are talking about with Jamie.  I know Bill will never be able to be replaced nor would anyone try but I know Bill well enough he would  want someone to pick up with all of us where he left off.  I wish that for Jamie and everyone that loved and lost a special person 4/22/10.  A person that can only be a reflection of what Bill was but who can help everyone develop a new relationship to fulfill something he left behind.  He was an amazing man and our lives will never be quite the same there will always be a part of him with us. 

    I pray for your safe journey tomorrow as you travel to Drewby's 1st birthday party.  Man this year has had alot of changes and I am so glad for the relationships God has restored.

Love ya

If Bill's untimely death taught all of us any thing it should be to love each other & appreciate the time we have together.  Melody, you've had to carry on in his absence and I'm so sorry for the things that have made that harder for you this year (esp. the things that I played a part in).  I have found myself wondering what Bill would think of all the craziness that goes on in our "human" relationships.  Of course, he has an unfair advantage now that none of us do!  He's in the presence of pure, perfect love & has a better understanding than any of us will have until we join him there! 

It's a shame things didn't work out better with Bill's car.  It was such a great idea.  I can still picture in my head the vision we had of a memorial to Bill in the paint work.  Too bad we're not independently wealthy!  It just wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't a wonderful idea.  You have such a good heart, Melody.  I'm guessing that's what attracted Bill to you!  You know Bill would want you to do whatever eases your burden.  I will always have fond memories of our two guys teasing each other over that car!  

Jamie, "Bill, why don't you let me take that hunk of junk off your hands?"

Bill, "You know you're just jealous!"  

I loved their little banters!  They truly enjoyed their friendship.  I'm realizing more and more lately that there just isn't enough fun in our human relationships any more!  We all need to be more like Jamie & Bill & really have fun, stop taking things too personally, and just enjoy each other!  Bill's friendship was a true blessing to Jamie!  He was someone to kid with & have fun with, but also someone who could be relied upon when the chips were down.  I miss that for Jamie.  I'll pray he can have another "Bill" in his life, but no matter who that may be, the original will never be replaced! 

      It seems like an eternity since you were taken from us here.  I feel like I remember so very much about you, but at times seems like I forget things per iodically and something is said or done that brings it back.  I don't ever want to forget anything about you and wish I had had longer to know more about you than I already had. 

     I want to always display the love that you displayed for everyone here.  I want to always remember the moments I treasure soo much with me laying my head on your lap while watching Nascar and the Browns on Sunday.  Carla and Tyler watched wrestling last weekend and it reminded me of our monday nights when we first met and wednesdays after your bowling.  I can still seem to remember our whole schedule at first.  Monday-wrestling, Tuesday- nothing really, Wednesday -bowling, wrestling on tv, Thursday -ER, friday-payday-get the kids if we didn't already have them, Saturday-nascar-kids bowled, Sunday-church-nascar-browns-you bowled at Delaware Lanes.  I try now to get so much down on paper so that everyone will always have it if they need it.

    Carla played in the prepond at church last night.  She went in clothes and all to catch tadpoles,  it kind of reminded me of Holly when we used to go crawdad hunting.  I pray that Tyler loves to do that as much as she did so that she can enjoy that with him as much as she did when she did it.  Carla is alot like Holly and I think it is funny when I see her do something that Holly has done and even more funny when Holly comments she is so like me.  So there daddys daughters not that I love them any less than you did but just that they are both alot like you.

    MaryBeth is a mommy now.  It doesn't seem possible.  She gave birth on friday the  13th.  Kind of funny huh,  Holly april fools day, MaryBeth friday the 13th.  At least they will neither one ever forget when they gave birth.  Not that they would but a little easier to remember.  Pat and Tammy now have 4 grandchildren: 3 boys and 1 girl.  They are all really cute.  Jim still doesn't have any grandkids and we have just the 1.  Tyler Wayne is so daggone cute.  Holly noted the other day that he is getting more hair and it is coming in in curls and she may never get it cut.  Made me think of Devon with his beautiful blonde ringlets.

    Holly and I both have enjoyed watching Dancing with the Stars.  I really miss watching it with you.   We usually watch it at mom and dads.  We are probably at mom and dads a bit much but I think Carla has issues being at home because of where she misses you, not that I don't but I have been trying to learn to cope with the emptiness and the regret that you will never be walking back in the door to give me a hug or kiss, or put your arm around me.  It is the hardest thing for me to have to do.  It is something I know that at some point or another everyone has to go through but I don't wish it on anyone.  Everyday I miss our companionship even more.  You were truly a remarkable man and I will always love that about you.

    Mom had her retirement party tonight at Harding.  She is actually retiring June 1st.  I am so excited for her.  Dad has been retired for a little over a year and a half now.  I think that they will enjoy their time together.  Carla was a HAM at the retirement party.  She carried on with everyone she knew, quite a few.  The lady sitting next to mom said that she wanted to take her home with her she was so adorable. 

     Everytime I take her some place she is like you and knows so many people.  I have recently noticed her acting like both of us with her giving and caring.  She always wants to be at Crystal and Mikes to be with the girls.  I pray that we don't all get hurt when the new baby comes.  I know she would have made an awesome big sister.  She is also trying to be friends with people that she knows are hurting with life circumstances.  I see her passion for loving others like you and I both were.  I know that with God she is going to go far.  I love her so much more that we were blessed with her and now that you are gone the kids are my everything.  She is so precious and I know that her and I have our disagreements and we both get on each others nerves but I continuously pray for Gods intervention in some of these areas as I want her to know that I would give my own life for her in a split instant.

     Next weekend is Memorial Day weekend so we will be out to the cemetary then.  I cannot believe you have been gone for over a year and a month almost.  If tomorrow never comes and I never get the chance to say I'm sorry for anything I ever did wrong or any wrong I ever caused you,  I am.  I so wish I had you here to talk to and didn't have to go through this writing but I want you to know everything that goes on.  You will always be my cherished love, that I continuously miss.

Miss you always my love

     I am not doing the usual blue color of your eyes tonight as right now I feel life is sooooo gray.  I have felt sooo much since you have been gone that everything I do is completely and totally all wrong.  I am trying to get a little ahead so that Carla and I can just leave town for a few days.  Her attendance this year wasn't the best but for an 8 year old she has been dealt a BIG blow!!!  I think last year it was all new to her not having you around and this year her and I have started adjusting and felt guilty for saying that our lives will always include you but in the past tense since you will never be with us here again.  I would give anything to have you hear right now.  I could always talk to you about everything and I am sooooo greatful that Holly has taken it upon herself to be there for us.  We may not get to see them all the time but even Sunday Mothers Day which was one of the worse days of my life,  she called to tell me Happy Mothers Day and just at a point that I really needed it.

    I am not sure what God has instore for Carla and I but I truly believe He will not take us to something without being willing and ready to take us through it.  I believe that with my whole heart but it still hurts when our worlds have been turned upside down and feel like some of the people that were supposed to care either did and it all changed or they never really did after all.  Crystal and Mike are pregnant with baby 4.  Carla is sooo excited and I am excited watching her trying to be a witness for Mike and Crystal,  at the age of 8 our little girl is trying to be a witness for adults.  She is sooo special and I wish we had you here to share everything with us.  She is becoming a mature little lady.  It feels like just yesterday we had her.  Where has the time gone.  I pray for her that she always knows how great you were and how much you love her and would give anything to be here in person for her.  I really do thank you for giving me the opportunity to become a mother and have this special treasure in my life.  I know I could not have made it through all this without family but most importantly her.  I can never thank you enough for the love you gave us all while you were here and the witness you left for alot of unbelievers in your life.  I can say that is hard to imagine the rest of my life without you but I know that is how it is going to be.  You will always have a special place in my heart and no one will ever be able to fill it,  not that I am trying to find anyone to do so.  I still haven't even wanted to go out with anyone not even as friends as you passing away has left a HUGE hole in my heart.

     There are so many questions I never thought to ask.  I realized I don't know alot about your family medical issues and things and poor Carla will never really ever know about her grandma and grandpa Murfield except for what little I know and if Holly and Jim can help with all of that.  I would like to put so much things down for her in case anything ever happens to me,  I pray that it won't for a long time.  I pray she has had enough heartache for awhile. 

     I thought that giving your car to Jamie and Dave as something to have to do in memory of you would be an awesome thing but it turned out not to be.  I so just want to sit next to you and have you put your arm around me and tell me it is going to all be okay which I know it will,  it is just difficult to see it sometimes.

    Alex and Ellie will be coming home at the end of June and I wander how that will be.  It will be their 1st time home since you passed away.  I know that they have been told but it took all of us awhile to deal with everything so I am sure it is going to seem weird to them when they get here to not have you around.  I cherish the pictures of you with Ellie and Alex the last time that they were home. 

    You mean so much to me and that is why at times I just feel a need to journal on her and let you know how we are doing and feeling.

    Our grandson that is now 1 is also walking.  He is sooo adorable.  He has already enjoyed his pool this spring.  Holly and I laugh at what we say you would do with him and how you would have treated him.  At times we get a big kick out of all that we think we know you well enough and what you would say.

    I love and miss you soooo much.  My life will never be the same with the loss of you!  The only thing that gets me through is knowing you are safe in Heaven and await our returns.  Till then you will forever be in our hearts.

     I cannot believe it was 1 year ago right now we were out mowing our yard and playing with David and it was like we didn't have any cares in the world.  I think it is what has made all of this seem so hard at times, wandering, did I do the right thing by not having an autopsy done.  Was there something the kids needed to know.  So many questions I never bothered to ask about your family with the thought of you just being here and being able to answer any questions I ever had.  It just goes to show that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, I already knew that but this just rehit that plate again for me.

    The church did so much for Easter this year and I think that is what has made it easier because of everything Jesus went through this week for us and it gives me the assurance of seeing you again in Heaven.  I know God worked so much of your life out before we all knew it and I am so thankful He let us have Carla and our complications so that you attend church and later get saved and give us all the calm assurance that we will be reunited in Heaven with you.  Your life was not in vain,  I think we have all done some growing this past year.

    I have had difficulty with Carla wanting to go to school because of certain situations that I know would have driven you insane.  She does fabulous in school and I cannot believe next year she starts the ABC grades in school.  This year is just O and S but you would be so proud of her.  She has been making cards and pictures for you stating she wants you to come back and visit her.  We sometimes watch Coming Home on Sunday nights and often times I have wished that it was all a mistake and you just came back home for all of us.  We have actually made it through the 1st year with Gods help and I know He will continue to help us, not that we will ever miss you any less.  It may get easier with Gods help but you will always have special places in all of our hearts that no one will EVER be able to fill.  I am so greatful that at one of the lowest points of my life God filled it with the love of my life and let me have the time that we got not that I don't wish it was longer because I do.

    I have laid there the last 2 nights watching Carla sleep, just not believing how much our lives have changed in a year.  Last night was the hardest because I kept thinking it was a year ago tonight we spent our last night sleeping together which is one of the hardest things for me is the loss of you being there with us.  I lay there many a night wishing I  had you there to talk to like we did.  I do have to say there have been many times that I would love to talk to you and Holly would call and we would talk for quite awhile.  She has grown so much as a mother.  You would be so very proud of her.  I know I am and mom  and dad are.  She made us all feel so good at Tylers 1st birthday party and for that we are all forever greatful.

  I cannot believe that 1 year ago today Holly gave birth to our 1st grandson.  He is so handsome and such a cutie and Holly is such a good mother.  She let me go with her to get his 1 year old pictures taken and I am so thankful for that. 

   I cannot believe that it is now down to the last 3 weeks we got to spend with you last year.  I wish you were still here but I could never wish you back from what you have where you are at.  There are still so much I would love to talk to you about and wish that you were here to just lay my head on your chest or lap.  I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I saw you I miss you so much.  Your love for me at a time when I really needed it is something that I know that God had worked everything out.  You were such a great father and I am so thankful that God let you chose to have Carla with me and I am so glad to have shared that part of life with Blanche as being the mother of your children.  You would be a great grandpa too,  I know you all too well.  When you got the call from Holly that she was expecting you were soooo excited.  I had not seen you that excited about anything since the day that we had found out that we were expecting Carla.  I know you looked forward to spending alot of time with Tyler and I really wish it had been granted.  We are all better people by being touched by your life.  You were definitely one of Gods masterpieces.  Mike apologized to me today for how he had acted last week when I took Chan home.  I think it is because he knows how you had your talk with him about he was treating Crystal. 

   I am still trying to take care of Carla, Chan and Olivia.  I guess Olivia is wanting to move with Steve this summer.   I think she has had alot to deal with since your death because you were like the only father figure she ever had and she didn't get to tell you goodbye, which would have been one of the easiest for her.  You didn't even look like you had passed away,  you just looked like you were sleeping.  I pray that when my time on earth is gone I go like you and look as good as you.  There are still so many questions I have that I know I will never get answered.   You will always be the light of my life.  Forever in my arms and heart!!! I miss you babe.

     I found out the other day that Kris was going to Reno Nevado to bowl.  I know how proud it would make you.  Even better for you is the fact that he went with Cory Baldwin.  I texted Lucy and said mini Randy and mini Bill running around together.  That would make you so proud.  It makes me remember all of the bowling tournaments that we all went to together and all of the fun we all had.  I really regret that you no longer wanted to do it.  I tried several times to talk you back into bowling but you just always said your heart just was no longer in it.

    I remember the trips to Parkersburg WV and the couple of times that we went there and the fun we just had traveling.  I always enjoyed running around with your bowling friends.  You were so close to them,  one of the few things that I hated when we moved to Marion, further for you to run with everyone.  I think you were always closest to Randy and Lucy and that always made it fun,  I enjoyed the football games at their house.

    If things could be changed that would have to be one of the things I would change,  we would have made it a point to have stayed closer with the friends and family in Delaware.

    I wish we had taken all 3 kids on a vacation somewhere,  which I would still like to do as kind of a tribute to you.  Their are so many things that I want to do as a tribute to you.  Thank you for giving me some of the best years of your life,  I said some because I know you also had some with Blanche and with Kris and Holly and the relationships there but I am still so very glad to have shared what I did with you ,  always wish it was longer but not that I ever regret 1 single minute of what we had.

   A group of our friends are going to a Christian comedian April 2.  I am looking forward to it and kind of sad about it,  I think everyone else going are going as a couple which will lead me as the oddball.  It will be the 1st thing I have done as a widowed person with all other couples.  This is the part of all of this that I do NOT like.  I really miss all the talks and times we had together.  All I CAN do is look forward to my heavenly reunion with you when it is my time to be reunited with our Heavenly Father.

    Jen passed away last Sunday morning.  It has been a rough week.  They had her calling hours last night and her funeral today.  I would have thought I thought more about you this week than I had all along but I can't truthfully say that because there isn't a second in a day that my thoughts aren't somewhere with you and what we had and what I miss.  I feel so bad for Frank as I know what it is like to lose the love of your life and it is especially difficult when you have just been given a 2nd chance at love again and you plan on that forever to never come,  all too well it does and we know that it will,  not that it feels it should.  I also know that Frank is also going to face challenges with Aaliyah who has lost her mother,  her hero.  There are going to be days that are going to be difficult for her when she sees kids at school with their mothers and grows up and wants that relationship and it isn't there.  I know all too well how difficult it is trying to play both parents and trying to keep yourself together and then having the constant reminder of the missed love in one in the presence of the child.

    I would have never have changed a moment of what we had or did!  You truly were the best thing that happened to and for me.  God sent you to me at a point in life when I was big time down in the dumps and you were so lovingly there for me when I needed you with the deaths of Grandpa D, Aunt Carla, Grandpa Rice  and Grandpa Feight.  I also enjoyed being a comfort for you during your difficult times like the loss of Mary and Betty.  I still miss both of them so very much, but I will never miss anyone as much as I miss you.  We had gotten almost to a page where we were able to say they things that the other needed said. 

    I happened to come out of the bathroom today at Jens funeral at the wrong time, the closing of the casket and it was gut wrenching to me.  I hated that moment more than any moment I had ever had in my life to that point.  I was never going to get to see that beautiful smile,  tease you about your shoes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that could just melt my heart.  That is a moment I would love to erase but instead it just makes me look forward to seeing you face to face.  I pray daily that I am doing justice by Carla.  I can only imagine how hard it has to be for her,  I cannot imagine my life without dad and I am almost 42 years old.  I know that you will always be with her for all of the important and even what seems to be not so important moments of her life.  I will do all I can for her and to make sure that she always feels your presence with us.  I forgot to tell you although I am sure you already know that Monday 3/14/11 our littlle baby girl accepted Christ as her savior,  she will be with us again in Heaven.  I am so blessed that she chose to do that and with me of all people.  I know that you were rejoicing as I was.  Now I just pray that I can be the kind of role model she needs.  I need everyones help in that area,  I know that there are times that I need to have more faith and be more structured in my life.  She is our little girl and I don't want to do anything to ever jeopardize the decision that she made. 

     Holly is being such a great mommy to Tyler.  I cannot believe 2 more weeks and she has been a mommy for 1 year.  I see both of them growing more and more everyday.  All the times we talked to Holly about knowing when she had a child of her own how you only want to look out for that child.  She does fabulous with that one.  I think she grows more each day that Tyler grows seeing his accomplishments makes her long and look forward to and cherish the next.   That is how I feel also with Carla.  Holly says Tyler is still going to be her only child but she would be a great mom even if she did have more.  Some people just seem to be able to deal with things differently then others,  instead of being like most her age who does visitation with the daddy,  she has Tyler and they do things together.  I don't think she will ever be the kind to just leave him and I am so proud of her for that.

    I wish that things had been so different with the kids,  I am glad for the times we had and the things we did,  I just wish we could have taken them for vacations and done more like that with them.  I hate that we don't have numerous pictures of major things done with them.  I just pray that things will be different and maybe we can all take vacations together.

   I loved you so much and hate that we didn't get longer together and I wish you were still hear but I wouldn't wish you back from what you now know.  I just long for the day that we get to meet again.

   If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane,
We would walk right up to heaven,
And bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say goodbye,
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.

Our hearts still ache in sadness,
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you,
No one can ever know.

But know we know you want us,
To mourn for you no more,
To remember all the happy times,
Life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
We pledge to you today,
A hallowed place within our hearts,
Is where you'll always stay.

You will never leave our hearts and our memories.  Forever missed and greatly loved. Your beloved wife.

     Jennie is in the procss of dying..  They are not giving her anytime at all just a few days,  she has finally given up fighting, much like what happened with Betty and I can so understand how she must feel and be just tired and drained.  We are probably all going to go and say our farewells to her tomorrow if she actually lives that long.  I know that you never wanted to suffer like Mary or Betty and I am so thankful that you didn't but I don't know that there is ever a way that death makes it easy on those left behind.

    I cannot believe when I see all of the Easter stuff out and it brought me to tears today as that was going to be our last holiday together and I spent most of that weekend in the hospital.  Now this year I am having to think about what I want to put on your grave.  It so doesnt feel like this is the way life is meant to supposed to be,  the phrase "come grow old with me, the best is yet to be" now I don't have that person with me and at times I just don't know how this emptiness can ever be filled,  it aches so bad at times and I just want to turn around and see you there.  That is starting to happen more and more though,  Tyler is looking more like Holly who has always looked like you and mom even told me the other day that Carla is looking more like you and Holly again,  which I am very happy for.  I know you never thought that you were a handsome man but I always loved the way you looked, it was always just fine for me.  What I wouldn't give for another look into those baby blues.  Your eyes were like the beautiful blue summer sky on any rough day and you were almost always able to take most heartache away.

     I am so thankful for the time that we got with our core friends those last few years.  We have so many great memories, the bonfires at Jamie and Shellys with Dave, Rachel, Jamie, Shelly, Carolyn, Jen and Frank, Holly, Carl, Sami-Kay, Katie, Dani,Carla, Aaliyah,  so many nights out by the fire with not a care in the world.  We had so many laughs. You were good at just being a friend to everyone.  I so miss that about you being gone.

   I think Carla and I both are just going through a stump right now as it is getting close to the 1 year anniversary of your passing.  I am going to the district womens retreat this weekend with mom and I remembered that was the last time that you and I spent away from each other before I lost you until eternity.  I never imagined having to think about that. When we took our vowels almost years ago.  Everyone thought it was funny because the entire time that we were standing before the congregation and you kept telling me that you loved me the entire time we stood there. That was the best day of my life. I remember that you wouldnt let me go with you and the guys to pick out the tuxes,  you wanted me to be surprised to see you in your outfit.  After the tux fitting, you took the guys out to Michaels restaraunt that is no longer here. 

    I talked to Jim for a few minutes today.  He ordered girlscout cookies from Carla.  We are taking them down to him on Thursday as Carla has an appt at childrens hospital. 

   I am getting tired.  I love you to the moon and back.

     I am sitting here writing on here with 2 sick children.  Carla and Chan were both up last night with sore throats and stomach aches.  I need to run to the store and pick up a few things,  man it was so much more convenient when you were here.  I have to take them to mom and dads and drop them off if I want to run errands or pick up things for them at the store.  Life was so much easier when you were here to help with everything.  It is so hard trying to be both mother and father,  I know that the father I will NEVER compare to the dad that you were nor would I try.    It is just so much easier when you have someone in the same home to help you with everything.  Holly is on her way up here and called but I cannot meet her today with Carla being sick.  I don't want Tyler to get whatever she has.  He has already had enough with bronchitis himself.  If I ever took you for granted I am sorry but I do know more daily how much you did and how hard it is being a single parent and without you to help me with everything.  I will always love you and life will never seem the same,  sometimes I just miss being able to have someone here to talk to when the house is quiet or just someone now to watch TV with.  I got satellite yesterday and so far it is all kid shows, would love to have you here to watch some tv not children shows with.  I did not believe when I was told that you had passed and I still find it hard to believe but you were the best thing that happened to me and I will forever be greatful for everything you did for me.

     I cannot believe that they are actually calling for another 5-10 inches of snow tonight and tomorrow.  I have to wonder if God knew you wouldn't be able to handle this winter down here this year,  everyone is sick of all the new curse words

3 letter i word = ice

4 letter s word = snow 

4 letter c word = cold

5 letter s word = sleet

and the 5 letter w word = winter

It has seemed to be storm after storm after storm after storm.  It would not bother me as much if I had you here beside me to cuddle with and spend time with.  You could always make all problems seem to vanish just by putting your arm around me and letting me lay my head on your lap.  I know that this winter would have driven you INSANE!  That was just the way you were, you always looked forward to spring and summer and being able to be outside and enjoy the outdoors.  I hope you know that the reason I journal all of this is for the kids and myself, I never want anyone of us to forget any part of you and as I thnk of things I like to come here and reflect and remember the man that touched my life in such a powerful way.  I will always have you here with me in my heart and the numerous memories that I will never allow myself to forget.  Til eternity you will always be my love.

     Today is Hollys 1st Birthday since your loss.  I pray for peace for her today as I know it has to be hard.  I know it has been for all of us so far on our birthdays this year.  She may be coming up to Marion to check out another car.  She has decided that a 2 door vehicle with Tyler is no longer feasable.  I had to laugh at that one as I just got another van, I had looked at a few 2 door cars and said I will NOT own a 2 door car with kids. 

     Holly said she has gotten alot of text from everyone on her phone today with it being her birthday and all.  She is growing into such a terrific lady, boy it doesn't seem possible to be able to call her mother or lady,  where has the time gone?   When we got together she was in Middle School, age 12 years old.  I am so glad that she was never like one of the kids that dropped out of school or anything.  She stuck it out even if she had problems or anything.  I remember some of the rough times that she had with people causing her problems but she always showed everyone that she was her own person and trucked on.

    She is still the " hoodie girl".  That was what she wanted for Christmas again this year.  I remember years of hoodies.  I don't think I ever knew anyone who liked hoodies as much.  I think she will try to pass that on to Tyler. 

    I pray that she will ALWAYS know that just because you are not here doesn't mean she means any LESS to me or my family.  I wish you were here for her but as a Christian song goes, I would not wish you back from your eternal peace for what there is here on Earth.

    Love is something that is grown over a period of time and I am so glad that you and I got to grow our garden together,  I love EVERY single flower grown in our garden.  Kris, Holly, Carla and now Tyler.  I pray that you are always able to see that our garden will never be the same and that there will always be a whole in our garden where you can never be replaced!  Our garden feels so empty at times without you!  Every thing we do and every day that goes by changes things for us and makes new memories but the memories of you will never be taken away from us!  I will try to make every day as good as I can for all 4 of the kids.  You were so special to all of us and I hate that you were gone before any of us got a chance to tell you goodbye.  I love and miss you as do all of the others.

Always In Our Hearts

Mel

     I am writing this letter to you in blue as that is how I feel right now.  I wish we had so many more years together!  I hope you know that the moment you walked into my life you were considered my Knight In Shining Armor.  There is never a day that goes by that I constantly think about you, you are everywhere around all of us.  A Nascar Race,  I havent been able to bring myself to watch yet.  I remember spending the day with you on Sundays and just laying on the couch with my head on your lap and just feeling so safe and like my life was finally coming full circle.  I never imagined we would only have 12 years together.  I think our anniversary this year will be the hardest as it is on a sunday and it will be 12 years to the day that we said our vowels in the same church. 

    After reading what Carla has been writing,  I understand alot more of what she is going through.  She is not our same little girl without you.  I try to play the mommy and daddy part both but it is so hard.  I can never do the daddy part as well as you did.  You were a GREAT dad,  that is what drew me to you.  I think you and my dad were alot alike and that is why you both got so close.  Dad considered you more like a brother to him.  I know it has killed him with the loss of you.  I think when he made that call to me it was because he wanted me to tell him that you didn't go to work or what we were all getting ready to go through was all just a BAD dream.  What I wouldn't give for that to have been the case.  I just want to wake up and find you here beside me. 

    You were so great to me with all that I put you through that last year with no health insurance and hospital stay after hospital stay.  You were always by my side and I am so appreciative of that. I know it was the last place you wanted to be Easter weekend, your 1st long weekend but you took the journey with me once more to try to find out what was wrong.  You were so loving to me and I will never forget that about you.

    I wish I could just walk up to Heaven and bring you back.  Shelly has even talked that she misses you so much when we do things together, it just doesn't seem right or the same.  I will have to vouche or that.  When we go somewhere or do something, we are constantly reminded about you.  Everytime Mike brings Chan over or picks her up he mentions you.  The song Thank You I am sure was played when you entered Heavens Gates.  I have always looked forward to my enterance into the Grandest City ever with the Pearly Gates, Robes of White and, Mansions, Streets of Gold and seeing my Heavenly Maker but after that I want to just take your hand and stand together because at that point it is us and Eternity baby.  I know you are there with so many family and I cannot wait to see them also but being with God and you is what I look forward to.

    I pray daily for Tim, Holly, and Tyler.  I get just as upset as you did when he hurts her.  She doesn't deserve the heartache caused to her sometimes.  I know you would go have one of your long chats with him and lay down the rules.  Sometimes I just wanna say wake up Tim, you are screwing up a good thing.  I pray that they are meant to be together but Holly was my 1st daughter and I wanna always look out for her.  She has been so fabulous with Tyler,  she could give lessons to alot of adults alot older than her.  Her and I have seemed to have gotten pretty close and whenever she says something is wrong my heart just breaks I don't want to see her hurt.  I want her to be treated for the loving affectionate mother that she has become.  I was so afraid that with the problems we had had in the past that once you passed away we were not going to be able to have a part in their lives, but babe, she has so not made that the case.  I hope and pray that she knows how VERY PROUD of her that I am.

    I am bawling as I write this because this isn't how I want things to be.  I know that God has his reasons but I so wish this wasn't the way it was meant to be.  I have tried doing so much growing up lately,,  you were the stronghead in our couple.  Everytime I turn around someone will ask me what I plan to do and it is so hard to give and answer because this still seems all wrong but it is almost 10 months right.  I am so thankful that our last day together was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE next to the day after when I got to meet our grandson for the 1st time,  I so wished it had been under different circumstances!!!!!  Holly let everyone hold him, he was sooo tiny but handsome.  It didn't take us very long to plan everything because I had already had a few things planned.  I remember things during that time but there are moments from that weekend that I cannot even remember even if I tried.  I could not tell you who all was there at the funeral,  one thing I thought I would never be able to forget.  I so wanted our last moments together before they closed the casket and I can see it as if I was standing at the front of the church right now looking at you, Pastor Dave and Pat were with me as I broke down.  Mom bought a hat to go in with you and Holly had a picture of you and Tyler that went in and Sami-Kay wrote a letter to you,  I cannot remember all it said now but it was so very sweet.  You touched sooooo many lives and that is what I want everyone to know about my Love.

    Well it is now 1:28 am so I am going to close for tonight and do some housework,  I will ALWAYS miss you,  my life just seems so empty at times.  I have God and I know that but the human interaction and affection I miss from you so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

da-da is a loo-loo

da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da can you reach my hand and take me with you?

da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da come get me.reach my hand and take me with you.daddy i want to come with you.can you take me with with you da-da please?can i haveyou back?

i love you daddy.

it is not fair  you are gone.i want you back now.but you are safe in juseses hands.atleast you didnt suffer any.tyler is a big boy.him and chan can both walk now.you and mommy allways did fun stuff with me.i can sleep in my own bed now.you are the nicest guy in the world.i was tuff about it.all of my friends are nice to me now.mommy thought grandpa was joking her.i knew he wouldnt joke like that.we are going to see that guy that tried to save your life.