ForeverMissed
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from CARLA CELESTE MURFIELD

February 15, 2011

It's not fair that you are gone.I wish you were still here to kiss me goodnight and say "I love you, baby girl".  I really miss that.  I get to play upward basketball,made 3 baskets saturday, wish you were there. I love baby Tyler and wish you were to spend time with all of us.  I coud not believe when mom told me.  I wish it was all wrong.  I love and miss you daddy, you were my hero.

The Velcro Man

February 14, 2011

I have decided this shade of blue is my absolute favorite color as I miss seeing this shade of your eyes on a daily basis.  We all know that you loved your velcro shoes and Holly would be proud to know that if you were still here with us I found Nike Shox that are velcro and guess what you would be wearing right now if you were here with us.  We would all have to compromise, us for your velcro and you for our stylish shoes.  We could all even have matching ones, that would make for a cute symbolic picture.  I never stop thinking about you and the way you were and the way I wish you were here to be with us.  I still may even get me a pair of the velcro nike shox just for kicks and giggles. 

    Carla made 3 baskets at her basketball game saturday.  I cannot believe how much she is growing up and everything.  She is getting to be a very dependant child.  I think that since the loss of you she is suffering from separation anxiety and I wish that wasn't the case for her.  I will have to talk to her counselor today as I wanted to help her out as soon as possible so that she doesn't have problems later in life.  You were such a great dad and I know that I will never be able to fill your shoes nor would I ever try.  I love you so much, today is Valentines Day, love and miss ya lots.

Missing you dad

February 13, 2011

Hey dad as i am sitting here writing this my heart is obviously breaking because this is not the way i prefer to talk to you or share memories with you...i miss talking to the man who always had time to sit and listen to me cry when it seem'd as tho the whole world was out to get me i miss the man who always said hey kiddo you know i love you dont listen to what others think your perfect how you are....i miss the glow on ur face when i first told you hey ur FINALLY gonna be a grandpa and the smile u had when i placed your grandson in ur arms for the first time...i didnt know it then but that was the only time i would hand over ur first born grandchild to you....i miss everything about you dad u were an amazing father and i KNOW you would have been an amazing grandpa...I cant even count the times you would ask me when u gonna make me a grandpa and i would always tell you NEVER i dont want kids and u would tell me someday i would change my mind i still told you NOPE....you were MORE than right dad i could not imagine my life without my son he is what keeps me going...i am not religious never have been and you know this but i do believe one thing with all my heart tyler was brought into this world because god knew i had a rough road ahead of me and  would be needing someone who would consume my world to help get thru the loss of you....you were always a strong willed person i dont know if you knew there were things wrong with you but if you did i wish you would have told us cant say it would have still had u here today but sometimes i wish i knew....Tyler walks alllllll over the place now with the help of one of his toys he says mom mom and da da....i WILL teach him papaw murfield and he will know of you every little story of you and what a wonderful dad you were to me....He will be a year old here soon he is growing so fast it breaks my heart....i know i have a long journey ahead with him and there are to be hard times ahead but if i ever get stuck i know i can always talk to you and without hearing ur voice i will know exactly what you would say if you could....i look in the mirror every day and see more and more of you in me....The blue eyes...the nose...our ears....my facial structure i am so my fathers daughter....so HA for ever calling me *Little Blanche* im a  *LITTLE BILL* hahaha ya big meanie!!!! oh uh tyler has inherited one of your traits lol i became a simple person and broke down and he has *VELCRO* shoes hahahahaha and yes you are right MUCH easier brat! dont think he dont have his lil nike shox tho gotta keep him hip at the same time....he is his mothers son he is a hoodie/jeans/sweatpants kid just like me i see no point in dressing uncomfortably i am who i am and he will be whoever he wants to be...well i am a little sleepy i will write you again i miss you dad and i love you lots!!!!!! goodnite

daddy

February 12, 2011

daddy i miss you so much:( i wish you were here right now:( atleast i had a good time with shelly,jamie,sami,dani,amber,bradi at castawaybay:):( but i still wish you a-lot i know you are safe with the lord but i want you back so much it is okay with me that you didnt suffer any:( that was so nice of that guy to try save you but your had allready stoped and your life was allready gone:(

Valentines Day

February 12, 2011

I know that you never really liked that holiday but it didn't matter we still celebrated.  I sat today and tried to remember exactly what we did and I cannot remember but that is okay because I always knew that you loved me and I never needed that holiday to know how you felt about me.  Last year that would be one of the last holidays I would ever get to spend with you.  I just came from the cemetary earlier and I know it is real but God has helped me through thus far.  I have come to a part that you spoiled me with the quiet times we had and I am starting to feel lonely.  I could never have imagined 1 day without you much less the almost 10 months it has almost been.  It will be 10 months the 22nd of this month which is Chan and Hollys birthday.  I did put things on your grave today for Valentines Day not much as it appears everything that we put on your grave is going to come up missing.  I know Valentines Day Carla has an appt with the counselor, that is the plans for our big day other than the fact that she told me today she would like to go out to eat at Cracker Barrell.  Love and missing ya babe.

February 10, 2011

I have lots of great memories of our friend Bill, but the best will always have to be our trip to Tennessee.  I always knew that Bill was an easy going guy, but not until that trip did I fully realize how fun & easy to get along with he was!  With five kids in tow, Bill just rolled with the punches.  I've been afraid to travel with anyone else since because I'm afraid they'll suffer by comparison!  

We have many pictures from that trip, but the one that touches me most is the one at Ripley's of him holding LiLi's hand.  It was mine and Jamie's decision to take on that extra responsibility of a rambunctious 3 year old.  Bill could have said, "hey, she's all yours!"  Instead, he watched over her and helped us take care of her like he would his own.  To me that demonstrates the kind of big-hearted, loving guy he was--  the kind you can depend on no matter what.  I have no doubt Bill would have done anything within his power to help us out if we had needed it.

Melody & Carla, We love you both so much and of course still enjoy our time with you!   Still, at times, it just doesn't seem right for us to be together without Bill.  When we went to Castaway Bay I kept thinking, "if I miss Bill's presence this much, how must Mel feel?"  He would be so proud of how the two of you have carried on.  He'd be so proud, Mel, of the way you've put your faith in God, and stayed focused on the blessings instead of the heartache!   I feel privileged to have known Bill & to have called him a friend!

Lots of love,

Shelly

Everday I Miss You More

February 10, 2011

     I miss this shade of blue, pure as a spotless ocean was the color of your eyes.  Things that I would have thought I would not have been able to have remembered but I do. 

    Carla and I are trying to find another vehicle.  Boy is that ever a chore.  I want something dependable so that I can at least get out to the cemetary to visit with you, although it probably isn't the greatest right now with all the snow that we have had.  At least the recent Noreaster has went along PA and up to NY and everything.  You would have truly have hated this winter with the way that you hated snow and everything.  Carla and I spent a total of almost 4 weeks at mom and dads because of the 1st holidays without you and then the snow and them being afraid that Carla and I would end up stuck here without heat and so they wanted us to be at their house,  cable that way made it nice.

    Back to the car thing, I want something dependable preferably a minivan still.  It is hard for all of us to go places without a minivan and you know how often I babysit and keep everyone else's kids.  It is funny to be looking on Craigslist and have Carla say pull up that one it sounds good and it to be a piece of junk and then she reminds me of Holly and how she was always embarassed about your vehicles.  You always did have the right idea though and that was that the older ones were made better, boy isn't that true.  I just want something reliable so that if Carla and I have money and just want to take off somewhere we can do that.

    Buddy just had triple bypass open heart surgery which made Carla ask questions like why did daddy pass away but Buddy is going to be okay,  I sure wish that I could understand that myself and be able to explain it to her.  He is doing pretty good, other than going insane because he is not used to being down.  I think I have decided to pay $233.00 per month for health insurance for myself as I know what Buddy and Mary are going through with him not having any health insurance and I don't want that.

    I have 10 years of being on your benefits and then once Carla graduates I will have to go back to work.  Boy that is a scary thought and I am not sure I will make it that long.  I really miss the adult interaction without having you and without working.  The only bad thing is that I would have to pay back part of our social security and I see mom and dad struggling because of that and I don't want to.  I really did enjoy our quiet time.

    Holly went last night and had Tylers footprints tattooed on her and was having the words my life tattooed as well.  She said if she was ever to get another one it would be of something with you.  I would almost like to but to me for myself personally I think I would always feel it was a waste of money.  I don't judge those that have them done but I just don't think that I ever will.

    Mom had upper and lower scopes done today.  The meds didn't empty her out so she has to drink the nasty stuff twice as long next week and go twice as long without eating.  They found a couple of irritations on the upperscope today which would be the reason for her heartburn.  I am glad that it is nothing serious.

    I often wander if you had symptoms that maybe you didn't tell me about since we didn't have insurance and everything.  I pray that you didn't suffer any symptoms that you didn't tell us about.  You were such a strong man though when it came to that stuff.  I love ya babe.

Almost A Year

February 8, 2011

     I've always heard what a difference a year makes.  I would have never have imagined 4/22/10 when you left our house for work that my life was about to change like it did.  We had had so much fun that day with David and mowing the yard that when I got the call,  I could NOT comprehend or fathom what was going on.  I think I subcontiously wanted someone to tell me it was all a dream.  I regret at times that I didn't have them perform an autopsy on you, but I just wanted to see you, I didn't want to believe it.  Chris Edwards was the 1st on the scene to me as I had David, then mom  and dad, Pastor Paul and Kristy, Rachel and Shelly, Andy Paul, Pastor Dave, Bud, Mary, JT, Charlotte, Penny, Lil, Missy, Kris, Holly, Blanche, Jim, Tammy, Pat.  I didn't even know what to do, how do you know what to do when you have just lost your soulmate and the man you wanted to grow old with.  Before I could even think, I told Shelly and Rachel that Jamie and Dave were getting the car, as you had always joked with them about it.  Pastor Paul kind of put some structure to everything and said I would have to call a funeral home, I chose Boyd, they called Carey funeral home and said that Wyandot county coroner would probably be calling about the autopsy, he said he didn't have to do one as it was apparent it was your heart, NO clues, NO symptoms, at least NONE that I knew of, I still DON"T or CANT understand and it has been 10 months 2 weeks from tomorrow.  I had to call Pat and Jim and they all came up to view your body, it still didn't really sink in.  Youl looked as if you were just napping and we all just wanted to wake you up.

     I don't remember much after viewing your body and everybody going home until the next morning meeting with everyone at Boyd to make arrangements.  That was when I got to meet Tyler Wayne Wheeler for the 1st time,  I immediately fell in love with him and already hated that you weren't going to get to see him grow up with us here.  I do remember taking the clothes to the funeral home that day that I wanted you to be buried in.  It was the blue shorts and tshirt that I had just gotten you for our 11th anniversary that still had the tags on.  I hope you didn't mind but blue was always a good color on you and it looked marvelous on you.

     From Friday morning when we made the arrangements til Monday when we had your calling hours I know life went on but to me even looking back on it now, it was as if all time stood still and froze.  I was there in the person but it was like as if I was living another life and I had no clue where it was or where it was coming from.

     When you become a widow,  I oftened heard that alot of women or men grieve for the spouse,  I can vouch for that.  I know if I didn't have Carla, Holly, Kris and Tyler,  I would not want to be here without you. 

     I know that we had our differences and our complications that every marriage has and you always told me even to the end that we worked them out and that was what was making us different and compatable forever.  I do have to say that you were so very much right about that.  I know when I was married to Randy,  I could have never have imagined feeling for him what I felt for you.  There was so much of a difference.

     Carla has grown up so much.  I feel she kind of has had to whether she wanted to or not.  She still sleeps with me which I wander if she will ever leave my bed.  I know she will at some point but I am not rushing her at this very moment.  She has decided not to do Upward Cheerleading this year but Basketball instead.  She is doing okay since she has never played a sport before.  She does excellent in school other than not wanting to go since she was at school when you passed away and she is always afraid of something bad happening again while she is there.  We had an awful snow storm this week so mom and dad had us stay with them all week and before she left our house she wanted to make sure that everyone around would have heat, she is so much like you.

     Holly is one of the best moms I know.  She is completely and utterly fixated on her little man.  She does so much for him.  He is into Mickey Mouse so Holly is doing his 1st birthday party in Mickey Mouse.  I know you are proud of her I just wish that you were here to tell her that yourself.  I try to as I know she can use all the encouragement she can get with people like Tims mom or anyone that is negative on her.  She has done really well with all that life has been dealt her this year, with your death, pops death.

     Kris has started college.  He is still bowling.  He reminds me alot of you and Holly and I talked for quite awhile the other day and she thinks like me that his life is alot like yours.

     I know that our anniversary this year is going to be hard as it falls on a Sunday which means 12 years to the day that we were in the church being pronounced husband and wife, I will be in the same church as a widow and what would have been the happiest day of my life.

     The 1 year anniversary of your passing is on Good Friday, a religious holiday.  I guess maybe it is something to let me know that for sure you are at peace in Heaven with all of our family that had passed on.  Will still be wishing that you were here with us.

    It is hard to explain but I love posting these things about and for you as I feel a since of closeness with you that I could not have imagined.  The longer you are gone the more I want to talk to you, feel your closeness and have a since of your affection.  I know that God has tried to make everything easier on me just by the fact that the minute you passed away, your time of death is the time on my receipt of purchasing the Footprints keychain, stating when God closes a door he opens a window.  Your being in Heaven so peacefully at rest was my window and always will be.  I was able to tell everyone your last meal, where, how much it cost.  I gave the 3 kids and Tyler the last 4 dollars that you had on you.  Holly has theirs framed.

     Hugs and a million kisses to the man of my dreams.

The Day You Met Our Grandson

February 8, 2011

     I have always hated the fact that we didn't get to share that event as a family like I know that Carla and I would have loved to have shared with you.  Carla wasn't able to as Tyler was 3 weeks early and prematurely small.  I was in the hospital when we got the call that Holly had just had him.  It was a Friday 4/2/11 and I told you to go down and see him the next day 4/3/11 as I was in the hospital.  You said you didn't want to but I told you to go ahead and we would get to see him a little later.  I am so glad that we persuaded you to go without us and get pictures and spend time with him.  I know Holly was so happy that you made it down.  That was the only time you would get to see and hold Tyler Wayne Wheeler.  When I look at the pictures of you with him I often wander if you knew.  If you did you surely didn't let us know.

     We will all make sure that Tyler knows how wonderful his grandpa was and I will always make sure he has things that are about and from you.  I hate that he won't get to go fishing with his grandpa and have you teach him things and be the buddy pal that a lil boy is supposed to have in his grandpa.  You would just eat him up I am quite sure.  Holly brought him up to mom and dads last weekend and he is so attached to her.  I am so greatful she didn't listen to anyone that told her to have an abortion when she was pregnant as she has really changed.  She is a great mother to Tyler and is always doting over him.  I know of alot of older people than her that could use to take some lessons of mothering from her.

     He is starting to take his first steps little by little,  I cannot believe he is almost 1 year old already.  The fact that he is almost 1 also means that it has been almost a year since you have been gone.  He is pushing around the ride on toy that I got him from us for Christmas.  At first, he appeared to look more like Tim but he is looking more like Holly daily.  I just pray that if it is meant for Tim and Holly to be together that Tim would treat her the way that we all feel she deserves to be treated.  She has given him the best part of her in their little boy and he needs both parents to be able to get along and be together for all of them.

Remembering and Reflecting

February 8, 2011

     This week has been hard on all of us.  Buddy had a heart attack Saturday and is in Riverside.  Carla is having trouble understanding (as with all of us) why he is going to be okay or so we pray and you didn't have the chance to be helped with your heart attack.  They did a heart cath procedure on him today but advised him that they were not going to be able to do any of the stints that they had hoped that they would be able to do.  Instead he is having open heart triple bypass surgery today.  I have been having problems sleeping with all of this and the weather.  I just wish I had gotten the opportunity to let you know how very much you meant to me. 

     I remember Mary Feight being at Riverside in April of 02.  We had spent the weekend at Tammy and Pats and had stopped by to check on Mary as she had her pacemaker put in.  Buddy was upset no one had been down and was going on and you let him have it as I was 5 months pregnant at the time.  I remember it as if it was yesterday.

     Carla remembers being down at Riverside for Betty but I don't think she has really thought through that that was were your sister Mary was when she passed away and we were all there with here.

     I was looking at the pictures tonight of you teaching her to color in the lines while we were down there visiting Betty on one of our many hospital trips to Columbus.  Dad told mom tonight that today would probably be the last time down this week as gas has extremely went up since you passed away and this is day 4 of trips down to hospital.  I told dad that I remember several of those trips.  I remember having gas in vehicle when you got off of Delo and taking Pops Cain down to see mom when she was in Dodds hall, and then the visits to Betty and Mary to Grant, Riverside, Lancaster and everything.  I did always enjoy those trips just to have you to sit and talk to on the way down or the way back.

     I drove tonight out to Sugar Grove to get JJ so that he can go down with us in a few hours to be with Buddy before his triple bypass open heart surgery.  I had to drive slow as some of the roads were drifted quite a bit.  I didn't drive fast enough or anything for him,  he kept trying to get me to speed up, of course you would have been proud of me as I did not do that.  If i t hadn't been so late and dark and the cemetary probably being poor driving I would have loved to have came out and just spent time there with you.  I feel bad that I don't make it more than I do but I am really trying to get Carla and I a better vehicle so that I can go out there to visit you whenever I want.  I have tried to make an appointment with the guy that I want to order your marker from so that I can get it put up.  I hope that you like what I have chosen,  it is more than what you probably would have wanted me to spend but it is what I want for you.  I would much rather have you here to be able to buy things for you but this will have to do.  Miss ya babe, kisses.

The Journey for Carla

February 4, 2011

     I know that when we got married and even before we had decided not to have any more children.  I was ready to hold true to that committment to spend my life with you but was so very excited when you talked to me about going ahead and trying to have a little one.  The journey wouldn't be easy, quick, or free for that matter but you gave it your all.  You said that if we weren't pregnant by the time you were 50 then we weren't going to.  Your 50th birthday we went to Northland Mall Pharmacy for a class to teach us how to do the fertility shots.  We had awhile between picking up meds and the class starting so we were going to go to Tammy and Pats but I was driving like usual and we ended up part way down to Zanesville,  what is the joke about men not asking for directions,  that was me also, I guess.  Once we went to the class they wanted the spouses to try to do the shot with the orange and you said there was NO way you were touching anyone with a needle.  It took a few weeks until everything was ready.  We did the class on 11/29/01 and then the insemination on 12/29/01.  It was 2 weeks later when I had to go for my bloodtest and when they called with the results you were out with dad and we were at mom and dads.  Mom came into the bathroom to see what they had to say and when Nurse Nancy called to tell me that we WERE pregnant I kept telling her NO I knew my body and I was going to have to go through the shots again.  Like usual you were the one with all of the Faith at that early stage.  We were ALL so excited!!  It was Feb 01 that we had our 1st ultrasound,  mom went with us because at the point of our insemination we had the possibility of 8, so mom wanted to make sure that we were still pregnant, if not I would be devastated and then if there was more than 1 mom thought you would have a heart attack.  God blessed us with not more than what we could handle.  The entire pregnancy was FABULOUS for me to feel the munchkin growing inside and bonding more daily and just looking forward to getting to meet the little person.  We would go to Mansfield shopping with mom and dad and you would talk to my belly and tell our little munchkin that you were tired of buying everything yellow and green and they needed to let us know what they were so that we could buy some gender neutral clothing.  I feel you and I bonded so very much during this time I could have never imagined.  There were little things about the pregnancy periodically like when mom and dad went to Australia as Chris and Amy and us were all experiencing the birth of our 1st child for me and them at the same time.  Our precious little one we thought we were going to lose them and had to go for non stress test with them.  Once mom and dad got home she got to go with me and couldn't believe the difference of having it done once I had eaten right before or not.  Then finally the friday before,  I was feeling ready to meet this stubborn little one.  I told mom that he had better do something soon.  Originally our due date was determined to be 09/21/02 but I knew I didn't want to stick to that as it was going to be 17 years to the day that grandma and taunia got killed and would be a saturday which was the same day of the week so I didn't want everyone spending that day at the hospital like that day.  Well Dr Foulk determined it was time to have the little one and decided we would be admitted to the hospital on tuesday 09/17/02 and have cervidil on my cervix and be induced on wednesday which was 9/18/02.  That was my aunt Carlas birthday and I had always loved the name Angelica Celeste but you didn't want to name a daughter of yours after a rugrat if she was a girl.  I took so many showers on 9/17/02 you told mom that you were glad that they didn't charge for the water usage.  You just set there  all night and day holding my hand.  I can remember it as if it was just yesterday.  We were finally at 10 cm ready to start pushing when they almost lost both the baby and I.  They rushed me off to OR which they said I would be able to push but they had to call Dr Foulk 911 and they had told you to stay put,  you went out with Tammy and Pat and mom and everyone started praying for both of us.  Dr Foulk decided baby needed to be delivered ASAP.  It was 1400 hours when Dr Foulk made 1st incision and 1417 when Carla was born.  I will always regret that you didn't get to be in the room, but I do remember the minute you did  come in the room.  It was about 5 minutes later when they told me that we had a little girl and there was no reason why she was in distress,  stubborn little punk before birth we should have known that we were instore for alot from her.  When you came into the room you told her "welcome to the world, little one", she WAILED!  She didn't like the world already.  It wasn't one of those magical moments where you have the baby naturally and then mommy and daddy get all of the 1st pictures with their little one.  That was all I remember until I came to with you holding my hand.  Once they finally took me to my room, we stopped off at the nursery so you could get our precious little Carla Celeste Murfield and I could hold her for the 1st time.  A moment that no other could ever replace.  We did try to find out our whole pregnancy but Carla being stubborn before birth would never let us see what she was.  You were always a great father with Kris and Holly which was one of the things that drew me to you and so to see you with Carla I knew God had great plans in store for us.  After the miracle of God saving both of us on that day you decided to start going to church with us,  AN ANSWER to my prayers.  The day you got saved I knew God had always been doing more than I could have ever imagined and I am so greatful.  The time that we had together before and after Carlas birth will never be forgotten and was all so very special to me.  You got to teach Carla to walk, swim, ride a 2 wheel bike and I am so thankful for that.  I don't ever want to forget anything about you which is one reason I have started to journal on here.  Forever in my heart

 

     2/7/11

     I have spent alot of time in Columbus and reflect everytime we go past Bethel Rd what a marvelous gift God entrusted us with when we were going through all of the fertility procedures there on Knightsbridge Dr.  I will always love you for that opportunity to become a mother not only to your older children that I will always hold dear as if they were my own but to have a child of my very own.  I know words could never have nor ever will be able to repay you for that.  You always did things for others and I appreciate all you did for me.  There are so special memories for me at every point of the fertility treatments and everything that special day of conception and the day of delivery,  you will always be here with us, I will always see to that.

Football Games

February 4, 2011

    I can remember back to Buckeye Valley v.s. River Valley games. We would always mess around on who would win the game... every year they would win by a huge margin... till this year. We beat them and I couldn't believe it. I don't know why but I kept looking for Bill. Instead of being happy, I cried. I couldn't share it with him..

Tennessee Vacation May 2009

February 2, 2011

     Our trip to Tennessee that we almost cancelled was one of the best times of our lives.  I know that you had alot more put on your plate than most men would have let have been expected of them with Aaliyah and Olivia.  You were such a trooper though and not letting things get you down.  We were all so excited about this vacation to be going with friends of ours.  It was an absolutely FABULOUS time. 

     We had so much fun with Jamie, Shelly, Sami-Kay, Dani, Olivia, Carla, Aaliyah, You, and myself.  It was so much fun, I dont think we could have ever imagined going on vacation with someone who wasnt family and having so much fun.  Just the times sitting and talking in our cabin bed was worth it for you were just so relaxed and not a care in the world.  If I was to ever do this again there will be alot of just quiet moments of that first vacation that I will miss. 

     Dixie Stampede was alot of fun for all of us.  I tried so hard after you passed away to get the pictures of you and I from there as those would have been our last pictures professionally taken and they were so good.  I guess I will just always have to remember the look of them in my memories.  It was so much fun getting to look around at Dixie Stampede and the dinner was quite interesting. 

     The dinosaur boat ride was quick, expensive and scary for all of the kids, but I would have loved to have just cuddled up to you, but there were too many scared kids needing comforting at that time.

     The ride park was about but not quite the best part of the vacation.  Us racing on the gocarts was so much fun.  The kids had so much fun on that and I have a picture that I will always treasure and will make sure that Carla treasures it forever also.  There is the picture of you and Carla in the go-cart with you looking kind of down at her and that is one of my favorite pictures of the two of you of all times because it symbolizes to me that you will always be looking down on her and I will never let her forget that.

     Ripleys Aquarium was alot of fun.  That was one of the most interesting places I had ever been in my life.  The kids all loved that so much.  It was so worth the money.  There was so much to see and do.  You could have actually spent alot more time there than we did but it was nice.

     The trip of touring the Fields was awesome.  It gave us some quiet moments to talk and just enjoy each others company as the kids were excited and carrying on amongst themselves.  Sorry though that I almost ran us out of gas before we ever started that long tour but God was sure with us.  I enjoyed touring all of the historical sites and just being able to enjoy that time that we had together.  The sites of the animals were amazing and just it was just so amazing looking at the site of Gods wonderful masterpieces.

     I thank you so much for helping me the night that Jamie and Shelly went out.  Alot of men would have said no way but that wasn't the type of man that you were and I love you for that.

     Our night out I will never forget,  Red Lobster for supper and then to Gatlinburg to the space needle which you didn't want to go up in.  After you came out of the bathroom you were all for going up and I was until the minute after the structure of the building it was all clear and I being afraid of heights tried to make it go down and it wouldn't and you holding on to my hand til we got to the top and you trying to get me to come out and look at the edge and me being afraid to and you finally persuading me to.  That was like a moment in heaven for me and a moment that I will never forget.  We both enjoyed that moment just looking around at all of Gods wonderful masterpieces.

    That is what I consider you is one of Gods wonderful masterpieces.  I still cannot fully fathom life without you but I know God worked everything out ahead of time putting another touch to His wonderful masterpiece.  I dont know that I ever told you enough how much I considered every day a blessing with you.  I know we had our moments and our troubles and I am sorry for everything that I ever did wrong but I am a better person because my life was touched by one of Gods wonderful masterpieces.  forever my love.

The Casual Man You Were

February 2, 2011

     My dearest love,  if there is anything I can pass on to the kids, it is the type of just casual man that you were without having to impress anyone.  People loved you as you were as you had a personality that would have made Satan just beckon you.  You could make everyone feel at ease just by being around you.  You could sport a dress shirt and a hat and everyone think it was fashionable as that was the way we came to know you and respect you for that.  I want Carla to not care what others think but to develop her strong personality like yours which I am sure she has already started.  I want her to be the one to befriend the unloved and uncared for.  She already thinks of others before herself just like you but I want her to do so much more for her fellow man, just the way that you did.

Missing you

February 2, 2011

Tonight, I sit here longing to be able to talk to you.  We have stayed the last 2 nights at mom and dads because of the storm going on here.  I really wish instead that I was cuddled in our bed up with you and not having a care in the world.  I went today to get my taxes done for them to ask where you were,  I had to tell her that you had passed which made it a little bit more difficult.  I sit here tonight with Chan in mom and dads guest bed not feeling great and it took me almost forever to get Carla to sleep as she was complaining with an upset stomache.  Carla is playing Upward Basketball this year,  not cheerleading she has decided to go on an extra step,  she is growing up so very fast.  It seems like just yesterday she was there in our arms and then she started walking, riding her bike and now playing sports.  Her report card was excellent, she is doing very well in school except for Aaliyah, but I tell everyone that for a child to be told by you that they were not welcome back in your house ever again, they had to be bad.  I have held true to that though and she has never been back.  I am trying really hard to follow through with our expectations of Carla.  I know she has issues with losing you as we all do but I could not imagine being her age and having to deal with the difficulty of losing someone who meant so much to her.  The other day she said she wished people only died for 19 years so that she would be 27 when you came back and that you could be there when she got married and had kids.  I know you will be there but she truly misses you.  I think it is soooo special that she says you give her a kiss everynight and tell her night baby girl.  You were a great father and I pray that I can be the type of mother that you will be proud of.  I pray that we will be getting a different vehicle soon so that we can start visiting your family again.  I miss that and I want to do that for you for Carla.  I know it is extremely important for you to keep your family close to her.  I havent' seen your family since August and want that to change.  I do keep up with them somewhat on facebook.  I do try and get something for Tyler monthly and spend a little bit of time with him and Holly.  He is growing up so fast also.  Holly posted today that he took 1 step 3 times today.  He doesn't like for Holly to leave him,  she is a great mom and I know you cannot help but be proud of her.  Kris is going to college.  One thing in common for everyone is that we miss you so much.  I cannot believe it has been 9 months already almost 10 months.  These have been the longest 10 months of my life and I don't know how I can ever repay you for all you did for me.  You truly were a miracle in my life.  From the day we met to the day you left I loved you and considered you my absolute best friend.  RIP Forever My Love

A Wonderful Man

January 1, 2011

I loved this man with my whole heart.  He was an amazing person.  I knew from our 1st date that I wanted to spend my life with him,  I just wish we had longer.  So many things remind me of him and let me know that I will always have him as memories in my life.  I strive to keep his memory alive for everyone. 

He taught me so many life lessons.  Most of all money,  doesn't matter.  When we are gone it is the special things that we leave behind.  Bill has left a part of himself behind in so many things.  I see him when I think of the wonderful life God has blessed me with.  There is not a moment that I don't wish that I had this wonderful man back. 

I know I am not the only one he taught life lessons to.  I see Holly as an excellent mother and know that Bill is so proud of her.  Tyler is truly blessed to have her as his mother.  She is so proud of her little man and I know that Bill is so proud of her as he watches her with his 1st grandbaby.  Tyler,  your grandpa will always love you and it reflects in the picture of the 1st time that he got to meet you and was so looking forward to spending more time with you before he passed away.

Kris, I am so proud of you for deciding to further your education and I know that your dad is also.  He always respected you as his son and could not get over how much you were following in his footsteps.  I am so excited that you have taken on your dads love of bowling and I know he is too.  Continue to go as far as you can in all you do.

Carla,  daddy will always be proud of all 3 of his kids and I know he is of you for how much you have grown up since he passed away.  You are continuously mommies little trooper.  I know you miss your daddy and I just pray that you always feel his presence with us.  Daddy loved you and always wanted what was best for you.

To the rest of the family,  Bill loved everyone and I think he would have loved to have had more hours in the day just for visiting and spending time with family.  He taught me how much family is meant to mean to each other.  I don't think I have ever seen anyone that was such a joker and wanted to spend time with others.  Bill was always a friendly, loving person but simple and background type of person.  I know that from Bill I can stay back and people see how much life and relationships mean to me.  I will never forget the 12 years that I had with Bill and am so thankful that I did get those years.  God truly put Bill in my life in a point where I truly needed him, not that I don't feel that I still need him but I am very thankful that he did not have to suffer and God made him look so peaceful for all of us.  That was a blessing for those left behind.  There are so many questions I have and things I wish I could have told him, but just the memory of him waving and carrying on when he left that day and seeming so happy and wearing his gray tube socks with dress shoes stating he didn't care what anyone thought of him.  Those were the last words besides I love you and will see you tonight and I will never forget them.

I pray that now that you are in heaven with all of yours and my family that passed before you know how much you still radiate through lives down here.  No one that knew you will ever be able to forget the friend and the man that you were,  we love you.

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